Secrets of a happy marriage [Archive]

James Deuce

12th August 2004, 20:45

Ok guys one of us is going to "link the chain" so in the interests of maritial bliss what are your secrets to successful partnership. Here's two not neccesarily in this order

1 Finish the argument before going to bed." Much more fun making up.

2 Listen.

Skyryder

1. If there is a woman involved and you are male, there is only the illusion of an argument. You lost before it started fella. If you feel an argument coming on, suppress all emotion just like your dad taught you and nod meekly, ask how you can help, dodge the hurled iron, and slink off to the kitchen and do the dishes.

2. Rather than listen, master the illusion of listening. Make soothing agreeable noises, whilst reading the TAB form guide, Performance bikes, or a boating/fishing magazine. Make sure the reading material is within visual range but not occluding the face. Smile and nod a lot. Be aware of changes in the tone of voice so that you don't slip an inappropriate murmuring noise in.

3. Admit everything when challenged.

4. Mope for years on end until you are allowed to buy a bike again, and then stay out of her hair by going on rides and doing yard chores in a 1:1 ratio.

5. Never, ever, tell her she's wrong.

6. Her butt never looks big in anything. Never answer immediately when asked that question. Allow a largely undetectable micro pause so it doesn't seem like you are answering too quickly, but never ever pause more than 500ms. If you do you aren't going anywhere.

7. Always be polite to the Mother-in-law, even when she just drank your favourite bottle of single malt in a single swig, that you had been quietly supping on for years, and were expecting to for years to come.

8. Never Hi-5 your friends in front of her when you "Got Some".

Blakamin

12th August 2004, 21:24

9. tell her "of course the bike would look better in the lounge" when she complains she cant get the car in the garage :apint:

KATWYN

12th August 2004, 22:02

Allow a largely undetectable micro pause so it doesn't seem like you are answering too quickly, but never ever pause more than 500ms. ".

Hallalujah, you got that spot on. A pause IS NOT GOOD in this circumstance.

FROSTY

12th August 2004, 22:41

I wouldn't have a clue -or I wouldn't be seperated. :stoogie:

Ms Piggy

12th August 2004, 23:22

Pass - happily divorced here :cool:

FROSTY

12th August 2004, 23:33

actually Ill correct that.
My dad -married 42 years now told me this
Son you are starting out on the biggest and hardest job you will ever start.
Sometimes thats what it is son hard work
Sounds harsh but I think hes right -sometimes it is hard work --But well worth it

toads

13th August 2004, 08:33

remember why you fell in love with the person you married, keep remembering it , because if you forget, your sunk. You won't always feel in love and sometimes you will even hate their guts, so you need to keep looking for those qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Somewhere under the cobwebs and dust that same old person is lurking, kids have a way of obscuring it at times. especially teenagers! cheers L

greenhorn

13th August 2004, 08:56

Agree whole heartedly with Toads.

Another trap for young players:

Your in a restaurant, or your having supper at home or something like that. You ask her if she wants some ice cream/desert cake or whatever. She says "no thanks". You say "are you sure?" She says "yes". You say "Are you sure your sure, because i'm going to get some for me and its easy as for me to just get you some too if you want" She says "Thanks sweetie but i dont want anything". You say "are you sure?". She says "no" in a slightly irritated tone that indicates that if you ask her one more time your heading for troubled territory.
You get up and get your self some, let say, cake. CUT AN EXTRA LARGE PIECE!
When you get back, sit down, ready to enjoy your cake, she WILL say...
"mmmm that looks nice, i'll just have some of yours".

DO NOT SAY "I asked you before if you wanted some and you said no..."
This is the wrong thing to say. It means you dont love her and your marriage will nearly be over with out some quick thinking on your part.

Just say "sure darling, here you go" because you remembered to take an extra large piece in the first place.

Can anyone explain this phenomenon? Why women only want something when they see you enjoying it?

Hitcher

13th August 2004, 09:10

1. If there is a woman involved and you are male, there is only the illusion of an argument. You lost before it started fella. If you feel an argument coming on, suppress all emotion just like your dad taught you and nod meekly, ask how you can help, dodge the hurled iron, and slink off to the kitchen and do the dishes.

2. Rather than listen, master the illusion of listening. Make soothing agreeable noises, whilst reading the TAB form guide, Performance bikes, or a boating/fishing magazine. Make sure the reading material is within visual range but not occluding the face. Smile and nod a lot. Be aware of changes in the tone of voice so that you don't slip an inappropriate murmuring noise in.

3. Admit everything when challenged.

4. Mope for years on end until you are allowed to buy a bike again, and then stay out of her hair by going on rides and doing yard chores in a 1:1 ratio.

5. Never, ever, tell her she's wrong.

6. Her butt never looks big in anything. Never answer immediately when asked that question. Allow a largely undetectable micro pause so it doesn't seem like you are answering too quickly, but never ever pause more than 500ms. If you do you aren't going anywhere.

7. Always be polite to the Mother-in-law, even when she just drank your favourite bottle of single malt in a single swig, that you had been quietly supping on for years, and were expecting to for years to come.

8. Never Hi-5 your friends in front of her when you "Got Some".
You da man!

F5 Dave

13th August 2004, 09:34

. . . Can anyone explain this phenomenon? Why women only want something when they see you enjoying it?

Why do cats only sit on the newspaper when you are reading it?

vifferman

13th August 2004, 09:53

Why do cats only sit on the newspaper when you are reading it?That doesn't help, because it's not the same thing at all. A cat does this because no matter how cute and furry and friendly they try to appear to be (to get you off your guard), cats are all arseholes.:angry:

It's not that "women only want something when they see you enjoying it"; if that were the case, they'd automatically want to be in on all your motorcycling, beer-drinking, and other male domain activities, wouldn't they?
This probably falls into the area of a woman's right to change her mind.

Oh yeah - the secrets are The Three C's:
Communication
Compromise
She's always right (or at least, you must Convey that impression even if you know she's wrong).

Oh yeah - and the fourth C :
If you're in a long-term relationship with a woman, then you're always in trouble (this is actually a sub-clause of the third C).

(I've been mostly happily married for 22 years, and with my woman for 26.5, and I'm starting to get the hang of it now...)

Mongoose

13th August 2004, 10:01

Rule #(what ever we are upto) Be yourself from the start so no false expectations are created.

pete376403

13th August 2004, 10:26

Expect a bit of noise from time to time. This is true for all males, regardless of species

Devil

13th August 2004, 10:58

My point of view.
At the start of the relationship you need to set some expectations.
Things like:
1) I will never be whipped.
2) Guilt Trips are NOT acceptable
3) Arguing about the toilet seat is stupid.
4) I will not pander to peoples insecurities.
5) I will not take emotional bullshit.

If you let them (works either way here, male or female) think that some of the things above are ok, then you're heading for a tank slapper :p

Then of course, during the relationship you need to be able to:
Communicate
Compromise
Share
Respect

Firefight

13th August 2004, 11:32

Motoracer

13th August 2004, 11:38

Some dam good advice/secrets so far, very important also is the "Time Out"thing :love2: :love:
even after 21 years together, we still get excited planning a break away from home,.....no phones, pagers, kids, dogs, computers ...what ever..

This weekend were doing the whole seaside cottage, candle lit dinner on the water edge, late night walk on the beach in bare feet(maybe not , too much broken glass), but you know the sorta thing.. :yes: :yes:

F/F

FF you big romantic :love2:

Wouldn't it be a bit nippy for you and the Mrs to be wondering off next to the ocean at night at this time of the year?? Or maybe that is just the extra encouragement for some body heat exchanging...

Now why do I always end up talking about what goes on between you and Mrs FF? :crazy:

Cajun

13th August 2004, 12:13

cause your a sick sick boy MR.

secret to marriage, mmmm well i been with me woman for 8 years now.
We abuse each other and give each other shit all the time, i mean i been calling her a bitch since the first day i meet her, all in good fun.
Have passions/interestes together, have interestes apart.

but like always give in inch they try and take a mile, its knowning to when let them take the mile or not. I am a bit of a push over with my wife, but she knows when i say no, i mean it, not to push it any more.

just my two cents

Coldkiwi

13th August 2004, 13:40

listening and talking in equal ratios is very important. Its all very well to listen, but if one or both people don't express their true feelings, you'll still get miscommunications

I think the biggest secret to a successful marriage is to know how to show you love the other person. There's a FANTASTIC book called the Five Love Languages that talks about the five general ways people perceive that they are loved (and in turn, how they show love to other people). So many people feel unloved in their relationships because the people they want to love them are expressing their love in a way the person doesn't perceive as love.
For instance, a person might perceive receving gifts as being loved. If their partner perceives love differently as receiving/giving kind words and offers kind words to the person but no form of gift (can anything from flowers, to jewellery to homemade cards), then that person is unlikely to perceive how much they are loved. Mine happens to be physical touch... ie. all sorts of stuff can go wrong, but so long as my wife gives me lots of hugs and physical affection, i can deal with it. Kind words help a bit but mean a lot less to me than one hug.

Its a damn interesting and useful book. I recommend it for anyone thinking about getting married or engaged (or even just improving an important relationship). Its written by a guy called Dr Gary Chapman. Forget Men are from Mars etc.. just learn how to love the important people in your life!

moko

13th August 2004, 17:29

Best Wife I ever had was someone elses :confused:

jrandom

13th August 2004, 17:38

Best Wife I ever had was someone elses :confused:

Then she wouldn't have been if she was yours. If you get my drift. Doesn't count...

jrandom

13th August 2004, 17:47

There's a FANTASTIC book called the Five Love Languages

I'll check it out sometime.

By the way, my carefully-thought-out life strategy involves getting rich after writing a book about either relationships or dieting. Not sure which, yet.

I'll be sure to make copies available in advance to any KBers in need of quick, reliable fixes for their love life or waistline. As the case may be.

jrandom

13th August 2004, 17:51

Regarding the original question, I have less than five years of marriage to draw on, so I can't make any comments at the same level of profundity as the older and crustier forum members.

If I *had* to give sage advice to a bachelor(ette), though, I'd just say... avoid the dumb ones and the selfish ones, be prepared to put in plenty of effort, and you'll probably be OK.

dhunt

13th August 2004, 18:04

Can anyone explain this phenomenon? Why women only want something when they see you enjoying it?
see food diet

David

MikeL

13th August 2004, 18:51

Regarding the original question, I have less than five years of marriage to draw on, so I can't make any comments at the same level of profundity as the older and crustier forum members.

Profundity? You mistake experience for wisdom, young man. You'll learn...

bluninja

14th August 2004, 05:39

Forget Men are from Mars etc.. just learn how to love the important people in your life!

Tsk tsk.....the Mars Venus books are pretty good resources. There's 14 other books after the original covering specific areas....one good model is the Love tanks...it describes the type of love you need as you move through lifes stages. You need to keep them all topped up...so sometimes if you feel the fires burning down, you need to look and see if you are neglecting your other love tanks. Sometimes I need to be with friends and top up that love tank in order to be more loving to my wife; or she needs to be with her parents and other immediate family (one of the reasons I'm now back here).

Most of the good resources are just putting a recognisable structure around what we already know, so that we can recognise it more easily. If you read Steven Covey you'll see he talks about an 'emotional bank balance' you keep making deposits so that in tough times there's something to tide you over rather than the relationship going bust.

Well in 2 weeks I'm going to my uncle and aunties golden wedding celebration. Maybe I'll ask them for some of their tips, they must still be doing something right :laugh:

Ms Piggy

14th August 2004, 09:37

Ok well being ever so slightly cynical about the whole thing due to a bad marriage I personally believe that no relationship will work if both parties aren't "on the same page" so to speak - I reckon it can be applied as a basic life principal really.

When it comes to marriage though I believe it would be even more applicable. My theory is one of "mutuality", mutual respect and commitment to want to make the relationship work and want what is best for the other but without being a doormat. I think any good relationship takes effort and work from both people.

:mellow:

KATWYN

14th August 2004, 10:24

Gixxer 4 ever

14th August 2004, 11:17

Should I comment after my controbution in "A disgusting toddler thread" :spudwhat: :killingme

Mongoose

14th August 2004, 12:33

Well I can never understand it when people say marriage
is hard work. What the heck is so darn hard about it?

Being single is hard work I reakon. I was single for 5 years
There was absolutely no man in sight etc and THAT was a slog

Totally agree with that, if its hard work where is the mutual respect? Hell it should be something a little easier than hard work but then again, maybe thats why I am single after 20 yrs of marriage? :confused2

Storm

14th August 2004, 13:48

All this wisdom !! And to think, some sections of the public think all bikers are hairy chested gorillas who never had a sensitive bone in thier body. Good to see the prejudices are all wrong ! :)

toads

14th August 2004, 15:37

Well I can never understand it when people say marriage
is hard work. What the heck is so darn hard about it?

Being single is hard work I reakon. I was single for 5 years
There was absolutely no man in sight etc and THAT was a slog

What we mean by that I spose ( speaking for myself here) is not being guided by how you feel and doing what is morally right on occasions is uncomfortable and requires effort, it is impossible to feel "in love" with your partner all the time neither are your feelings/emotional state always a good guide, when hard times come a relationship must be able to endure without the warm fuzzies. Feelings are fickle and change, true love hangs in there waiting for better times. CSL says it right when she says both partners have to work at it though, no good just one person putting in the effort, compromising etc and the other just doing their own thing regardless

toads

14th August 2004, 15:39

All this wisdom !! And to think, some sections of the public think all bikers are hairy chested gorillas who never had a sensitive bone in thier body. Good to see the prejudices are all wrong ! :)

oh we all have hairy chests storm don't ya worry about that, but only us cruiser/chopper riders are gorillas LOL

bluninja

14th August 2004, 19:29

oh we all have hairy chests storm don't ya worry about that, but only us cruiser/chopper riders are gorillas LOL

But gorillas don't have hairy chests!!! But they do have a hairy ass :buggerd:

Mongoose

14th August 2004, 19:36

But gorillas don't have hairy chests!!! But they do have a hairy ass :buggerd:

And so do ......... Ooops, nearly got sucked in to admitting something there :moon:

toads

15th August 2004, 08:50

But gorillas don't have hairy chests!!! But they do have a hairy ass :buggerd:

You know this because....?????? I won't live with a hairy ass mate mine or anyone elses!! I have some standards

Skyryder

15th August 2004, 11:28

Hard work is when you do not have the time to have all the fun. So it's pissing down with rain and you promised the kids a day out..........someone forgot to put the milk out or bring it home..........there's a little bit of sex in the air and the kids cancel there eveing out...........well that's the hard work etc

Skyryder

toads

15th August 2004, 11:36

bluninja

15th August 2004, 20:33

You know this because....?????? I won't live with a hairy ass mate mine or anyone elses!! I have some standards

You'll just have to go to the zoo and check if they have a hairy ass...but here's the bare chest.

Coldkiwi

16th August 2004, 15:04

good point Blu... I have heard some good reports about the mars/venus books. The love tank idea is also discussed in the 5 love languages book and encourages couples to tell each other how full their tank is each night and then ask what they could do to top their partners tank up. And depending on their love language, it might be anything from doing laundry to some good extra lovin! Sounds odd I know... just read the book :)

F5 Dave

16th August 2004, 15:12

Come ‘ere baby I’ll top yer tank up!

Here’s a deposit, coming ready or not!! :buggerd:

(I'm hoping my girl never finds this site). She did find that book however & I had to hear all about it. . .

toads

16th August 2004, 15:34

You'll just have to go to the zoo and check if they have a hairy ass...but here's the bare chest.

that's a blonde gorilla, kind of different looking to the sort I was imagining, black and hairy, but you are quite right, bare chested, quite cute really, if you are into that sort of thing.

Gixxer 4 ever

16th August 2004, 15:49

The love tank idea is also discussed in the 5 love languages book and encourages couples to tell each other how full their tank is each night and then ask what they could do to top their partners tank up. And depending on their love language, it might be anything from doing laundry to some good extra lovin! Sounds odd I know... just read the book :)
You have got to be kidding. :eek:
Definition of men == Always full. Need to empty all the time :niceone:
Definition of woman==Usually full, some times empty..who know. :spudwhat:
It is wise to always offer to fill their tank and even if they do not think they want it they usual do so we get the odd freebee with out having to go to all the trouble of dipping the tank to see how much is needs. :msn-wink: Just let it over flow darling but on your side of the bed please. And remember we spend all day making this stuff just for you girls, so please appreciate it when we give it. :buggerd:
That is why we men are so stable. Always full ready to give Aren't we great. Guess that's why you girls love us so much.
:)

[/QUOTE]And depending on their love language, it might be anything from doing laundry to some good extra lovin! Sounds odd I know... just read the book :)[/QUOTE]Very Scarry in fact :wacko:

Pwalo

16th August 2004, 16:02

Not too sure about the secrets of a happy marriage, but I find that not speaking too soon is ALWAYS a good idea. Patience??

Or it could just be that I know that I'm probably in the wrong anyway.

Seriously though I do think it helps if you don't take everything your other half says too personally. Well only when it matters.

I've been married 23 years and I still don't have any idea why things have worked out, and to be honest I'm not sure that I really want to analyse too much.

Just my thoughts.

Cheers, Pwalo