Creative writing

[hXc]

At school, we have just finished doing our creative writing achievement standard. This beauty got me a merit, but I'm going to attempt to resubmit for excellence.


Focus. Alright, I tell myself. Clutch in, starter button, first gear, accelerate.

The low rumble of a 1300cc monster engine below me reminds me to take it easy for the first couple of laps.
The sound of the other bikes means nothing now. The faint smell of petrol tickles my senses, and suddenly I find myself approaching turn one. I drop it in quickly, as a green machine sweeps around the outside of me. The weight I find myself having to throw around serves as another reminder to take it easy.

Eyes up. 2nd gear, 3rd gear. 160 clicks. Now brake!

A sweeping right, left, right 's' is now behind me as I come a cross a tight right hander. This green machine is immediately in front of me and I have to swerve as suddenly, his rear slides out and he's hit the deck - hard.
I quietly hope I'm not going to end up like him.

With ease, I guide this 200kg beast through the infield, passing other riders with a twist of throttle and my young, full boosts of testosterone. I feel one with the bike now - man and machine, not man versus machine. The sweeper is a hard corner, and as I find myself roaring past other riders, I know I'm too fast.

In my head- sky, ground, sky, ground, crack. My ankle and arm - broken. Under my ripped leathers, My bones have pierced the skin. I start to feel dizzy as the pain sets in like quick-dry cement.

But I shift my weight and gently but thoroughly, I haul on the anchors and drop in right - hard and deep. I'm determined to show this thing who's in charge. My knee goes out and hits the ground - I feel like Rossi riding MotoGP.

"Eyes through, smooth throttle, upright...pin it" is what Chris said to me. I follow his advice and luckily, find myself heading down main straight. Wind rushes past and I have to tuck behind the screen as my speed increases. 120, 170, 200. I look up, pass more riders. Down again - 220, 240. I'm concentrating and calculating how much straight I have left - 300m. Speedo reads 260k's and my eyes begin to sting. Even blur.

I can feel the tunnel vision crawling...scratching at my eyes as a full second later, 270k's and 100m to go before three tight corners...

Front brake, rear brake, down shift, down shift - 2nd gear, 80k's. Drop left, flick right, and quickly back left again.
Pit straight.

There's one lap down, and about eight to go. I cross the start/finish line and prepare myself for another lap at Taupo on the fastest production bike in the world; Suzuki's GSXR1300 Hayabusa.

In one lap, I've dodged a fallen comrade, avoided a crash and broken my own personal speed record.
Thank you Chris, for the amazing experience.
Thank you Suzuki.

[The Pastor]

kinda wanky mate

[hXc]

kinda wanky mate
You write something better then. Knob.

The above story is based on fact. But a little bit of beefin up put in places to make it exciting.

[The Pastor]

You write something better then. Knob.

The above story is based on fact. But a little bit of beefin up put in places to make it exciting.
ok i'll write somthing that is both bigger and better than yours, are you ready?
















renegade masters penis




SORTED

[deanohit]

Ahh bugger off RM!!!

Thought it was pretty cool hXc, I reckon you got the thoughts and feeling spot on mate, A+

[Scorpygirl]

Well done HxC. A good piece of writing. :2thumbsup.

[yungatart]

ok i'll write somthing that is both bigger and better than yours, are you ready?
















renegade masters penis




SORTED

Hahahahahaha! That is really creative!
Bloody humorous too! :rofl::rofl::killingme:killingme
Lacks any substance tho, and not enough detail....
NA (not achieved)

[Colapop]

You coulda done the same piece about a set with the band.... you on the kit... Still pretty cool though

[Maha]

renegade masters penis in a Watermelon



Yeah now thats big!.....:baby:

[jrandom]

Well written, sir, and not in the slightest bit emo.

I humbly and publically apologise for my earlier inappropriate and entirely inaccurate insinuations, and offer a lap or three of Taupo track on my Ohlins-bedecked GSX-R750 in consideration for your annoyance, as material for further not-at-all-emo writing.

Am I forgiven?

:pinch:

[gijoe1313]

Not too bad, a merit definitely ... heading towards a high merit - to get excellence you would need to incorporate some more language techniques like alliteration (e.g. the tach takes two seconds to tell me...)/similes (e.g. "the throb beneath feels like 100 horses galloping")/metaphors (e.g. "I find myself roaring behind with the speed of a cheetah chasing down it's prey" <-- ooh metaphor and alliteration!) and to nail it home, an extended metaphor (ooh funny that, biking metaphor would do!). No onomatopoeic words?

Good on ya hXc, keep putting in those hard yards and you'll do fine in the externals!

[fireball]

ok i'll write somthing that is both bigger and better than yours, are you ready?


renegade masters penis


SORTED


its people like you that cut down someone who is obviously good at what they do, that stops others stepping out and reaching and excelling their potential.... bloody tall poppy syndrome really

that is really good hXc id love to read more feel free to PM me some more anytime creative writing is good for the soul keep it up and it can and will take you places if you let it! :niceone::niceone: for you!

[hXc]

Well written, sir, and not in the slightest bit emo.

I humbly and publically apologise for my earlier inappropriate and entirely inaccurate insinuations, and offer a lap or three of Taupo track on my Ohlins-bedecked GSX-R750 in consideration for your annoyance, as material for further not-at-all-emo writing.

Am I forgiven?

:pinch:Mate. You're forgiven.
Yesterday's post was insensitive, but I accept your apology.
And of course, your offer if you're serious.

[hXc]

that is really good hXc id love to read more feel free to PM me some more anytime creative writing is good for the soul keep it up and it can and will take you places if you let it! :niceone::niceone: for you!Haven't really done too much creative writing/short stories, more inclined to write poetry, but check http://bebo.com/urlthing. It has all my poetry and my new story too.

[jrandom]

And of course, your offer if you're serious.

But of course. I jest not about matters of such import.

You just have to turn up to the track at the same time I do, whenever that is...

[hXc]

But of course. I jest not about matters of such import.

You just have to turn up to the track at the same time I do, whenever that is...28th Oct KB track day?

[jrandom]

28th Oct KB track day?

The possibility exists. However, 26th Oct MotoTT is a higher likelihood, given that on the 28th I'll waking up in Wellington, hella hung over.

You could also try 27th Oct, Suzuki trackday at Manfeild, although I'm not sure if I want anyone punting my precious around that dodgy goat track.

I have no idea just yet whether I'll have the Snail at any of the above events, though, given that it's still undergoing open-head surgery. I may simply be cruising past on the Mighty K1200 wearing my very best BMW rider's sneer and disdaining such childish antics as riding a motorcycle upon a racing circuit.

[The Pastor]

its people like you that cut down someone who is obviously good at what they do, that stops others stepping out and reaching and excelling their potential.... bloody tall poppy syndrome really



:wari:waah waah waah cry me a river.:2thumbsup

[fireball]

:wari:waah waah waah cry me a river.:2thumbsup

nah ill kick you in the nuts and bring you down to your true level....


......low.... :bleh:

[hXc]

nah ill kick you in the nuts and bring you down to your true level....


......low.... :bleh:He has balls?

[The Pastor]

the thing hxc realised and you obviously missed, was that i was taking the piss!

it always sounds better in ryhme.

[Krayy]

I thought it was quite good, but way too familiar. I have read things like this before. What I would suggest is having a go at writing the same scenario from the bikes POV. Give the bike a persona and let us know how it feels when the throttle is opened and it's given it's head, or how it struggles for grip when the bozo on board tries to outride the corner.

I'd give you and "Exceeds" for a good interpretation of that.

[NZsarge]

I liked it:2thumbsup All accept the part about it being a Suzuki:Pokey: Now had you written it about riding a YAMAHA you would have rocked into the mark you wanted!:lol:

[Krayy]

CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!!!! :dodge:

With the turn of the key, I awake. I'm cold, so cold. It feels like I haven't taken a breath for a day or more, and my empty lungs long for relief. My feet feel flat and ache at the touch of the cold ground beneath them, but I know that soon they will be warm and regain their usual firmness.

I can feel the weight on my back shift and settle, and then the spark of life erupts from within deep inside my frame. The pungent fuel pumps into the barrels of my iron-like chest, sweet air is sucked in, mixed, and with a high voltage explosion, my crank begins to turn. I cough, bark and finally let out a guttural roar. My roar subsides to a self-satisfied burble and I can now feel the warmth start to flood through me.

The weight above me shifts again, and I can almost feel the smile leech across it's face. Yes, this may be the one. We might form a symbiosis, man and machine, but he has to prove his worth to me first.

He twists the throttle, allowing me to breath deeply and I roar again as we start to move down the pit lane and onto the track...

...Somebody else can take it from there...

[H00dz]

I liked it:2thumbsup All accept the part about it being a Suzuki:Pokey: Now had you written it about riding a YAMAHA you would have rocked into the mark you wanted!:lol:

Neva a truer word has been spoken

We From the North acknowledge your writing prowess I could almost visual the ride myself right up to the point when ya told me it was an "UKI" ......Oh well In my head it was a yammy :headbang:

[MSTRS]

Neva a truer word has been spoken

We From the North acknowledge your writing prowess I could almost visual the ride myself right up to the point when ya told me it was an "UKI" ......Oh well In my head it was a yammy :headbang:

:oi-grr: how much should those decals be??:bleh::killingme

[yungatart]

Neva a truer word has been spoken

We From the North acknowledge your writing prowess I could almost visual the ride myself right up to the point when ya told me it was an "UKI" ......Oh well In my head it was a yammy :headbang:

Well, he normally rides The Mighty Honda Spada.....but it was in getting cam chains done. When he was offered the 'busa, he jumped at the chance to 'prostitute' himself .......

[H00dz]

:oi-grr: how much should those decals be??:bleh::killingme

now dont be like that :( ya know we all got to have our favourites

[The Pastor]

He has balls?
dude i didnt say you writing was rubbish, i said it was average - why it didnt get an excellence.

dont have a winge to the mods, i still love you :)

[yungatart]

the thing hxc realised and you obviously missed, was that i was taking the piss!

it always sounds better in ryhme.

I must have missed it too!
Not sure whose sense of humour button is off kilter, but I suspect that it ain't mine.

[hXc]

dude i didnt say you writing was rubbish, i said it was average - why it didnt get an excellence.

dont have a winge to the mods, i still love you :)
Actually. If I recall rightly, you said it was wanky. Nothing about average.

[fireball]

I must have missed it too!
Not sure whose sense of humour button is off kilter, but I suspect that it ain't mine.

i second that i must have missed the humor somewhere......

".. hellloooo humor where have you gone?......" :laugh:

[Sanx]

Neva a truer word has been spoken

We From the North acknowledge your writing prowess I could almost visual the ride myself right up to the point when ya told me it was an "UKI" ......Oh well In my head it was a yammy :headbang:

Could tell it was a Zuki from the first sentence - "clutch in, starter button".

I'm not creative writer, although I always seemed to get excellent marks for it at school. But if you want my comments:

THE monster engine, not A monster engine. You make it sound like it's just any old donk, rather than the one in the bike you're riding. And to say it's a 1300cc is just wank-factor.
'right-hander' and 'left-hander' should by hyphenated.
Pain doesn't set like cement, no matter how fast it dries. At least, not in any metaphor I've come across. I'd imagine if you were to come up with a metaphor for pain, it'd be something to with lightning or electricity; something fast and untamed.
Too much use of the hyphen mid-sentence. Some of them should be commas, others should be semi-colons. Try avoid split-clause sentences if you can, or make the transition from one clause to another more seamless.
The Rossi and MotoGP references only work if the reader knows who Rossi is, and what MotoGP is. Obviously, you write to your audience, so when posting it up here, it's a given. However, don't assume some flighty creative writing teacher will know what you're talking about.
The thank yous at the end seem out of place.
Oh - and before Hitcher mentions it - there are also numerous abuses of the apostrophe.


I'm not saying I could do any better. I probably couldn't, truth be told. Personally, I favour quite raw, stripped-down prose. Carl Hiassen, Christopher Brookmyre, Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin and similar type authors. Flowery text doesn't do it for me, but that's not to say that your style won't find advocates. Rather like music, different people like different writing styles.

[bubbles]

Very good writing young man! I also had a look on your bebo, I hope you keep it up :niceone:

[Scorpygirl]

i second that i must have missed the humor somewhere......

".. hellloooo humor where have you gone?......" :laugh:


Humour.....all is forgiven!!!! :hug:

[hXc]

Pain doesn't set like cement, no matter how fast it dries. At least, not in any metaphor I've come across. I'd imagine if you were to come up with a metaphor for pain, it'd be something to with lightning or electricity; something fast and untamed.
Adrenaline causes pain to be 'put off' for a short amount of time.
And how would my teacher know what happens anyway? She doesn't ride bikes, and it doesn't have to be all reality. As I said...I beefed it up a little.


Too much use of the hyphen mid-sentence. Some of them should be commas, others should be semi-colons. Try avoid split-clause sentences if you can, or make the transition from one clause to another more seamless.
According to my teacher, and the HOD, there are no errors within the story.


The Rossi and MotoGP references only work if the reader knows who Rossi is, and what MotoGP is. Obviously, you write to your audience, so when posting it up here, it's a given. However, don't assume some flighty creative writing teacher will know what you're talking about.We are encouraged to write using our own tongue. If the story is about bikes, our teacher will expect to see bike lingo in there. Our audience is our teacher. We are not told "you can't put this in because I don't understand it."


Oh - and before Hitcher mentions it - there are also numerous abuses of the apostrophe.
As I said earlier...


Not trying to put you down or anything. I know that different people enjoy different writing styles (funny you mention music - I'm a musician), and I know that not everyone will like that story. Just as much as I don't expect them to. But these stories are not necessarily written for enjoyment by the reader - they are written to get us a mark. The teacher may personally hate the story, but if it's written well and meets the requirements, they can't fail us.

But I do understand where you're coming from.

[Sanx]

According to my teacher, and the HOD, there are no [grammatical] errors within the story.

Erm ... if you submitted it as typed, then there are grammatical errors. What I said regarding use of hyphens mid-sentence is more of a best-practice guideline than a hard and fast rule, but the others I mentioned are definites.

[Pancakes]

ok i'll write somthing that is both bigger and better than yours, are you ready?

renegade masters penis

SORTED

Leave the Renegay'd alone u guys, I mean... someone who rides a bike called "Tracy" and lives in Kaiwaka must know big?! Right?

Hhahahahah, Master-bater.

He was just baiting U hXc, stick at it dude.