What happened to my friends?

[Macstar]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

Christmas and New Year has always been a family and friends time for me, something I'd look forward to for the whole year (spending time at our batch in the Coro). My parents seperated years ago though and now my brother, mother and two sisters have all moved to Oz to live. Over the last five years a further 7 close friends have moved off shore permanetly. Of my remaining friends 4 were married and are starting families.

I try to visit my friends and family abroad when possible but this is obviously few and far between. My married and new family starting friends are difficult to hang out with in terms of the times and activities we can do and frankly seem to be quite engrossed in their own new lives.

My old best mate who I used to live with ended up shacking up with another flatmate who happened to also be married and then the two of them ran away together and had a kid. I was a bit of a bastard to them for a while afterwards though even after the dust had settled we were never able to pick up our friendship again as he now has a family to tend for.

I've made some excellent motorcycle mates here on KB though for some reason these friendships struggle to extend beyond the motorcycle relm.

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

[Grub]

Christmas is a good time to have such thoughts, as uncomfortable as they are. Your point is well made and noted :)

[Chickadee]

TIme to spread your social wings and find some more mates to visit, always a good bunch on KB having social gatherings to go to. We'd of loved to have gone to them but having no family when we were in Aucks to babysit was a downer.

[skelstar]

...yeah bet its tough. Had something similar once but it just sorts itself out. Least you're not trying to get a shag through KB, you'd be stuffed now! LOL

[SlashWylde]

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

I agree, you're right, it is hard to make friends and maintain existing friendships these days.

I guess one just has to make an extra effort in these areas. One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is "You get out what you put in". Meaning, what you get out of your life is proportional to the effort and energy you put into it. This can be in terms of work, study, relationships or anything really.

Seems obvious really but the experiences I've had this year have really impressed this upon me.

[HungusMaximist]

I reckon there's also a bit to do with the attitude of people in New Zealand. They seem to stick to their own groups and only step out of their circle to contact you, when they have a reason to or that they have something to gain.

Like most things, maintaining relationships are easier than making new ones, but then again that's just a saying.....

[Trudes]

Still got the batch in Coro?
I'll be your friend......
lol.
Yep, it can be tough, but like someone else said, you have to look at what you put in to any relationship, it's very hard having a good relationship with someone who doesn't give back what they receive, and my personal pet peeve, people who don't listen and talk too much... about themselves, constantly, :whistle:lol!
Good luck mate, join a club or two.:yes:

[NighthawkNZ]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

rant rave blah blah blah etc etc etc

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

There is a difference between aquantences and true friends, you may have heaps of aquantences, but only a couple of true friends. True friends come far and few in between, and true friends don't let anything get in between them. Friends will help each other out through the thick and the thin.

I was told years ago when I was knee high to a grasshopper, you will probably only have 5 or 6 true friends through out your life. 1 or 2 in child hood, maybe 1 or 2 in teenage, 1 or 2 as young adult and 1 or 2 as a old bastard. All the rest are just aquantences.

Some one who will listen, help and encourage when needed. You may loose contact for a many year, and then just pick up as if nothing has happened and start your normal gas bagging. True friends just click.

True friend will not bail you out of jail... s/he will be sitting beside you in jail. (Ok maybe a joke but there is a deeper meaning in that saying)

Also some one that will tell you, you are wrong when you are, but being tacfull about it and also support you when you are right.

Of course this also goes both ways, and you have to be willing to do the same. One way friendships can and are a drain, and do not last.

Yes people change, lives go forward, marriage and children alter they way people react... change happens and there is nothing you or anyonew can do about it, just move on.

[James Deuce]

Friends, schmends.

I prefer victims.

[Pwalo]

It's all part of growing up. Things/circumstances change. I know an awful lot of people (or should that be a lot of awful people), but I'm really happy being by myself or just with the wife and kids (well sometimes I'm not so sure about the boys).

It's a bit of a bummer when you're feeling lonely, but at least you have a girlfriend, somewhere to live, etc. You can always polish your bike. That always helps. Or try and cook Christmas dinner. That's always good for a laugh.

[Taz]

I only have a couple of real good friends also. A few more aquaintances. But even if you only have one true friend you're doing well.

[Mikkel]

I hear what you're saying and I agree that over time it seems it's getting harder and harder to keep strong friendships alive. I'm not going to blame anyone more than myself though - we're all so bloody busy making plans, organising our lives and indulging ourselves! And to be honest I wish it was otherwise, but in this time and age it is actually pretty damn difficult to change it... Let's hope it'll pass with time.

As for the few true friends and lots and lots of acquaintances - I am with you on that one. It's certainly true of my social circle!

There's a good oneliner, not dissimilar to the one you wrote Nighthawk:


Friends helps you move, real friends help you move bodies.

[Joni]

It’s weird but I have been thinking about a very similar thing…. For me I think I have realised that things definitely change as we all know, but its 100% linked to decisions that are made by yourself and others…

I have all my life had a few good friends, which I hold very close and cherish! My decision to immigrate to NZ has removed me from them on a physical level… and I have found myself longing for them, because as you say in this day and age making new friends is not the easiest. (Although I will say I have been lucky enough to make a few friends I will cherish for life here in NZ).

So its true you should value the people in your life, and always remember that the decisions you make have consequences.

My heart is pretty sore at the moment, miss Evelyn and Shaun my 2 closest friends very much… sometimes late at night when Im lying in bed, I wonder if it the sacrifices I made to be in NZ have been worth it.

Great post Macstar! :hug:

[Number One]

Of course this also goes both ways, and you have to be willing to do the same. One way friendships can and are a drain, and do not last.

Yes people change, lives go forward, marriage and children alter the way people react... change happens and there is nothing you or anyonew can do about it, just move on.

Ditto what most have said. I have only 2 very close friends that I'd call TRUE. One is my hubbie and I'd call him my BESTEST mate :love: and I have an awesome girlfriend who supports and loves me, hubby and our boy as extensions of her own family. :2thumbsup
Recently decided to move on from my "apparently true" girlfriend, as it was just getting depressing to be the only one making any effort just to be turned down 99.9% of the time. :argh: That gets old pretty quickly and I put up with it for around 15 years...so I think I have been more than patient.
She was at my boys birth and was to be his guardian (should anything awful happen quickly touching wood). This guardian arrangement was one that was agreed well before he came along and despite her saying many times that she would move heaven and earth to be there for him (in the event of the awful) Over the 4 years she has only made a real effort to come see us/him at his birthday parties (which she always managed to leave soon after arriving - after standing on the deck smoking through most of it and drinking the free wine)...this year we didn't even hear from her at all. :crybaby::crybaby: I only care because of my boy now...but I suspect she has the pip because (after lots of soul searching) I sat her down and explained that we had decided to have one of our sets of parents be his guardian as her life (as a single) is all about her and she is thinking of moving out into the booneys and well she doesn't make an effort now while we are alive. Plus now we have a kid we recognise the sacrifices required and the importance of the role of a guardian and given the lack of effort she has made as an 'aunty' I doubt that she'd be able to make the necessary efforts to do the right thing by our lad.
ALSO I believe that guardians should know the child well and the child should know and be comfortable with them too. She missed the point completely explaining that she was totally prepared to drop everything for him if she needed to and responded as if I had taken her promised toys away!
This from a woman who has 'seen' him a sum total of about 7 times (no exaggeration) over the last four years and who invites me to her place fairly infrequently and always "by myself for a girls night" and at the last minute...as if her real plans had fallen through and she didn't want to be alone.
It was his birthday on Sunday and since we last spoke I have been to Outward Bound and christmas is coming up and she hasn't bothered to make any contact at all....sent her an Xmas card to let her know we were thinking of her...NOTHING. I have definately moved on as it has been one sided for ages and frankly I deserve a friend who gives a shit, not one who just contacts me when she has nothing better to do. Get the feeling she never really was a TRUE friend:spanking::spanking:...very sad as I thought she was and put lots into the friendship myself.
Do feel heaps better now that I have made my mind up to move on too - sometimes I think it is bad for you to hold onto things that just aren't....and I now recognise that you don't have to have heaps of true friends as 1 or 2 true ones more than make up for 12 untrue ones.
OK, sorry - rant over now and I feel much better thankyou for suffering through that.

[Macstar]

Thanks for your posts guys. I've lived in a few small towns growing up and it was definitely much easier to meet your neighbours and community in general than a big city like Auckland.

I agree that I should be making more effort and getting into clubs etc, though as people have rightly said here, it's quite easy to make acquaintances and that's probably not the issue for me: A good friend or two is what I'm really after.

I'll throw another idea out there for you all (something I have come across repeatedly as a business / marketing student and business consultant). There is a diliberate strategy today for consumer product producers to associate emotions with their marketing and advertising / brand i.e. you will feel good if you buy this product or be the envy of others etc. So as consumers we work frantically to earn the money to buy the latest iPod or plasma tv, car etc.

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappieness and loneliness.

In fact, I read a study back in uni of people's perceived satisfaction from spending / commercialism vs social networks and in the long term, it was demonstrated that people who spend their time with friends and family rather than at the shopping malls are much happier.

I feel a New Year's resolution coming on!

[Number One]

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappiness and loneliness.

Money can't buy happiness and all that aye? It's easy to feel dissatisfied with what you have when you are always looking at what others have that you don't...the old Keeping up with the Jones' mindset I guess.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Hey you have someone special in your life. I hear what you are saying tho. I have a family (bar a brother and nephew) who don't honestly give a shit if I lived or died - I have absolutely no expectations from them - however I can choose my friends.

My xmas plans all turned to the shitter last week. A friend I was to stay with told me I couldn't - I could have created drama but what's the point. Shit happens - I'm not gonna stress over crap like that - turns out really well in fact. I am going to Nelson. My mother has dementia (I don't include her in the above comment) I think this will be the last Xmas she will recognise me. She is like taking out a little girl - happy in herself - waves at the men in cars and says hello lol I hold her hand to cross the road and I notice she doesn't want to let go of my hand - she looks up at me with such joy on her face - (mum wasn't like that before) ok she repeats herself a bit - but one thing that surprised me (I saw her 6 weeks ago after an 18 month break - cos I was too scared she wouldn't know me) she kept taking my hand and saying you are so beautiful, you look so nice. Anyway I will be taking her out for 2 hours a day (Last time I overdid it and she got too tired and heat stroke was very sick). I want to give her as many happy memories as I can - she;s had a shit life - thanks to the c..t she married, the sperm donor I call it. The staff at the home she is now in absolutely love Mum. (She received poor care in previous homes).

I have waffled. I shall be spending Xmas on my on - but it doesn't phase me - I don't do Xmas anyway. I have a few good friends - who I can trust and their company I enjoy. I'm grateful for what I have today. It may not be the ideal but I have had it far worse!! lol

Happy holidays everyone.

[Mikkel]

Thanks for your posts guys. I've lived in a few small towns growing up and it was definitely much easier to meet your neighbours and community in general than a big city like Auckland.

I agree that I should be making more effort and getting into clubs etc, though as people have rightly said here, it's quite easy to make acquaintances and that's probably not the issue for me: A good friend or two is what I'm really after.

I'll throw another idea out there for you all (something I have come across repeatedly as a business / marketing student and business consultant). There is a diliberate strategy today for consumer product producers to associate emotions with their marketing and advertising / brand i.e. you will feel good if you buy this product or be the envy of others etc. So as consumers we work frantically to earn the money to buy the latest iPod or plasma tv, car etc.

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappieness and loneliness.

In fact, I read a study back in uni of people's perceived satisfaction from spending / commercialism vs social networks and in the long term, it was demonstrated that people who spend their time with friends and family rather than at the shopping malls are much happier.

I feel a New Year's resolution coming on!

Indeed - we're starting to get to the point where moolah is the only thing that matters. If you got the dough you can get whatever you want, whenever you want and you don't need to rely on anyone else (friends, family and social network) to help you realise your dreams and desires.

It used to be the thought that mattered - now it's all about whether you get the people you care about the right colour and model of iPod.

When people fall on hard times you see others starting to collect contributions. The thought is a nice one and in a few cases it might even make a positive difference.
And this post should in no way be seen as an attempt to take anything away from the noble intentions behind such contributions, but still it's all about the bloody money.
If I'm ever going to be unlucky and end up in a bad way I hope my friends will come and see me and help me cheer up before they start throwing money at me.

Have a look at the recent camper van thread in the general discussion and you'll see how much focus the number of dollars has received. So yes, sadly, this money mentality is alive and well in NZ and on KB as well.

[Blue Velvet]

I moved flat recently and two complete strangers from KB offered to help me move my things.

My 'friends' couldn't even remember when or where I was moving to, let alone offer to help.

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants :bleh:

Edit edit: It really bugged me though that two total strangers offered to help, but people who were friends didn't (yes, past tense, not an isolated example). If I found out a friend was moving, I'd offer my muscle straight away.

[Number One]

I moved flat recently and two complete strangers from KB offered to help me move my things.

My 'friends' couldn't even remember when or where I was moving to, let alone offer to help.

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants :bleh:

Clearly there are some damn fine people on here...

[Blue Velvet]

Clearly there are some damn fine people on here...

There are.

Stop it, I'm getting weepy :cool:

[autos]

i find it amazing how many people here i can identify with and always thought of it as 'my problem for emmigrating here on my own'. i have found it extremely difficult to make new friends here in marlborough, acquaintances yes, but that extras step to friend seems to be a giant leap. im happy to put the effort in to make the trip to see people, or text or call, but when you 'wake up' and see that its 95%effort from you to keep in touch then you realise you dont get out what you put in here. my best friends here are actually my husband and wife bosses! like most good things in life, you dont miss them until they are gone.

[jrandom]

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants

I don't think anyone else could fit in your pants.

Well, except Finn, of course, but it's not nice to poke fun at the little people.


I'd offer my muscle...

You have one?

:dodge:

[Blue Velvet]

I don't think anyone else could fit in your pants.

:doh:


Well, except Finn, of course, but it's not nice to poke fun at the little people.

Do you think he'd be into swapping bike gear? :Punk:


You have one?

:dodge:

Ants are very strong (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ants) :headbang:

[vifferman]

So, you wanna know what happened to your friends? :rolleyes:
I stole them (coz I've got none of my own), and had them for dinner.

Very tasty they were too, apart from that gristly one, and that bloated-looking thing.

[imdying]

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants :bleh:Without pictures of said pants, we can't comfortably draw the same conclusion :soon:

[jrandom]

Do you think he'd be into swapping bike gear? :Punk:

Dunno about that, but if you cultivate his acquaintance you might be very lucky and get a ride on his Brutale 910R sometime...

:love:

[Supermoto Junkie]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

Christmas and New Year has always been a family and friends time for me, something I'd look forward to for the whole year (spending time at our batch in the Coro). My parents seperated years ago though and now my brother, mother and two sisters have all moved to Oz to live. Over the last five years a further 7 close friends have moved off shore permanetly. Of my remaining friends 4 were married and are starting families.

I try to visit my friends and family abroad when possible but this is obviously few and far between. My married and new family starting friends are difficult to hang out with in terms of the times and activities we can do and frankly seem to be quite engrossed in their own new lives.

My old best mate who I used to live with ended up shacking up with another flatmate who happened to also be married and then the two of them ran away together and had a kid. I was a bit of a bastard to them for a while afterwards though even after the dust had settled we were never able to pick up our friendship again as he now has a family to tend for.

I've made some excellent motorcycle mates here on KB though for some reason these friendships struggle to extend beyond the motorcycle relm.

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

I have to agree with you there, I have always worked hard to try and keep my good friendships alive, but when my daughter was born a few years ago it was like I had grown a second head, most of our (my wife and I) friends didn't want to know us, even if we tried hard to keep in touch and have BBQ etc, it made no difference, we all drifted apart (BTW, we were the first in our circle of friends to have a kid)

So yes a agree with ya, it is hard to make new friends, just keep at it and you'll be right, there are alot of others feeling the same way

[Beemer]

I agree, you're right, it is hard to make friends and maintain existing friendships these days.

I guess one just has to make an extra effort in these areas. One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is "You get out what you put in". Meaning, what you get out of your life is proportional to the effort and energy you put into it. This can be in terms of work, study, relationships or anything really.

Seems obvious really but the experiences I've had this year have really impressed this upon me.

I can wholeheartedly agree with you. I have been as guilty as anyone else of neglecting friends because I am too busy/too tired/too lazy, etc and I fully intend to change that in 2008 - well, starting now really.

My dad died in 2001 and our family, which was already not that close, drifted even further apart. My mum died last month and as the family had all rallied around her while she was ill and we were all getting along, I was hoping that would continue after her death. Well, I won't bore you with the details, but the complete opposite has happened and now because of their actions I pretty much feel I have no immediate family any more, only my husband's family. I could be all bitter and twisted about it (in fact I have renamed them the BATS - Bitter and Twisted Siblings...) but have decided to get on with my life and surround myself with people who do matter. I have plenty of cousins who I haven't had much to do with over the years and I want to start seeing them more often. I also have some fantastic friends, two in particular who have been there when I've needed their support and more over the past few months. I realised during that time how important they were in my life so I am going to ensure I make more time for them in future.

My husband and I have met some great people through KB and also through work and other activities so we are making some new friends to add to the old. It is hard, and I remember a period of a few years when we didn't see many people because of things going on in their lives, but true friends are there until the end and we should treasure them.

I'm hoping 2008 will be a much brighter year for all of us. Macstar, I hope you and your girlfriend have a great Christmas and New Year and all goes well for you from now on.

[Dilligaf]

Having recently moved here I can say that it has been interesting seeing social interactions. We are a very social family and enjoy company often. When we first arrived we involved ourselves a great deal in superficial activities 'til we'd sussed out who we were interested in trying to become friends with. We really pushed (not quite the word but hopefully you'll understand) ourselves and did lots of inviting to get together with people. Some were interested and others were more reluctant.
Cue three years later and we have a circle of friends who meet regularly and have a great time. The other family who were never really interested had the cajones to say that we had become 'cliquey'. Truth is we got to the point where we just didn't bother inviting them to anything because they never were interested in coming. It bothered me because I went through a bit of angst at the beginning worried that I was a bit too pushy yet that investment in effort paid off.
And it's not always about money - nothing wrong with inviting people to a BYO picnic....
My point is, if you want friendships then you really have to invest the time and effort. I always remember the quote "If you want friends, you have to be a friend".

[BIGBOSSMAN]

What happened to my friends?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVlkZVAw8Gc

[MSTRS]

One of life's lessons is that nothing stays the same. Being able to maintain a friendship longterm is a precious gift that all too few people possess. Because we tend to get friendly with people who have similar interests, it's not surprising that those friendships don't survive a change of circumstance. A true friend will always be just that, no matter what life brings. I am lucky enough to have one of those and have had since 1974. Sometimes we don't see or hear from each other for years at a time, but sooner or later our paths cross and it's like no time has passed. I feel blessed. We are fortunate that our respective wives also share this good fortune, since it is often the case that a (new) partner changes a long term dynamic and it's 'see ya later'.
Cherish the friends you have, work at the relationship, and remember that it is not a case of what they can do for you (or you for them) but rather a case of treating the friendship almost as an entity in it's own right.

[LilSel]

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?


I hear ya buddy!!!... I am a culprit of the above... Have just started my new job on monday this week... I have been neglecting those close to me :no::no: not on purpose of course... thing is... I know that its happening... There just isn't much I can do about it right now. *sigh*... be good when things settle down n I can get back on the :mobile: n be back to my normal social butterfly self. Hang in there dude. It'll be all good :grouphug:

[Finn]

Money can't buy happiness and all that aye? It's easy to feel dissatisfied with what you have when you are always looking at what others have that you don't...the old Keeping up with the Jones' mindset I guess.

That's what all the losers without money say. Try posting something original next time.

[Mom]

I buried my best friend almost 10 years ago. She was one of those never to be repeated mates that even now I sometimes miss as much as I did when she died.

That being said I am fortunate to have real friends, some of whom I dont see for months on end, but when we catch up it is like yesterday we last spoke. Some of them give me shit on here, but i still love them.......LOL

Get out there, be confident in yourself, be honest there are any number of people out here to get to know and become friends with you mate!

[Dave-]

yeah me too, noticed this trend.

had a good solid base of mates at my old work for about a year we fucked around, had beers on saturday night after work, saw movies etc

then it started to fall apart.

then i left...and I've barely seen them in about the 2 months since, a few other guys left too but i dunno how they're going.

making new mates at my new work though and I wonder if they'll only last a year?

then you start to worry if it's you "ahhh maybe no one likes me?" which is perfectly normal in any relationship.

anyone wanna get smahed in town on saturday night?

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

i find it amazing how many people here i can identify with and always thought of it as 'my problem for emmigrating here on my own'. i have found it extremely difficult to make new friends here in marlborough, acquaintances yes, but that extras step to friend seems to be a giant leap. im happy to put the effort in to make the trip to see people, or text or call, but when you 'wake up' and see that its 95%effort from you to keep in touch then you realise you dont get out what you put in here. my best friends here are actually my husband and wife bosses! like most good things in life, you dont miss them until they are gone.

I fly to Blenhiem on 26 Dec arrive 6.20am!! have to wait 3 hours at the airport until my bus arrives!! At that time of the morning I respond well to coffee lol - crikey it might even wake me up enough to converse. See you then - don't worry I'm joking!! lol

[Macstar]

Thanks again guys for your comments. I landed a new job today which is great (starting in Jan). I'm hoping my new work mates will be great (cause it's a high pressure / lot of travel type of job and I think I'm going to have even less time now to socialise outside of work).

[cowpoos]

That's what all the losers without money say. Try posting something original next time.
it sure as hell lets you choose your misery though eh!!! ;)