Share your txt jokes

[Daffyd]

Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.





Nobody came!

[Bikkie]

Claiming anyone who wears a
confederate flag is Racist
is just as sterotyping as
claiming,anyone wearing
a hoodie is a Gangsta.


Please Help.I've been given this cute
little puppy but my wife says I can't
have another dog.I need to find her a
good home for her.
She's 51,non smoker,cleans
up well,and a good cook.

A slutty girl's favorite line is
"Don't judge me
you don't know what
I've been through"
Yes I do.Dicks.
Lots and lots of dicks.

Don't wait till your deathbed to tell
people how you feel.
Tell them to fuck off now.

Men are usually too
focused on
the cleavage in the shirt to
notice the crazy in the eyes.

You know it's gonna be
a good blow job
when she puts on a
breathe right strip.

[Bikkie]

Love is like a fart.If you have to
force it,it's probbly going to be
shit.....!!!

The Moody Blues,A band named
after a smurf on her period.

Why use a condom when you
can use a false name?

[Daffyd]

What's the smallest muscle in a goat?


A muslim's dick.

[Bikkie]

Back in the day
a selfie is what you did
when the wife wouldn't put out.

A man before
marriage,a dude.
After marriage,
sududed.

[Bikkie]

If she eats her French fries
with a fork,she's probably not
going to do that thing you like.

Saw two druggies having a 69 in the park
earlier on.He was on crack,she was on blow.

[Bikkie]

LIFE TIP: When she gives
you good head
reward her,it will be
even better next time.

Decaffeinated coffee is like
a hooker who only wants
to cuddle.

After Monday and Tuesday,even
the calendar says WTF........

As I have grown older,
I've learned that pleasing
everyone is impossible,but
pissing everyone off is
a piece of cake.

[Bikkie]

"Happy Mothers Day Mum! How
does breakfast in bed sound?"
"ooh,that sounds lovely!" "Great
I'll have a full English."

A vagina is like the
weather.Once it
gets wet,its time to
go inside.

Girls! If you get a message from
your boyfriend saying that he wants
to "kick your puppy." Don't call the
SPCA....He's just not very good at
predictive text.

Holding a door open for a woman and
saying,"You go first" really
means:You go first I just want
to check out your arse.

The first thing a man notices in a
woman is her eyes.As soon as her
eyes aren't looking he notices her
tits...

[Bikkie]

You never see churches
with free WIFI because no
church wants to
compete with an
invisible power that
actually works.


Marriage is a
relationship in which
one person is always
right and the other
is the husband.

Men of a few words
are usually married
to women with them.

I named my penis the truth.
Because bitches can't handle it.

THINGS I SAY MOST WHILE DRIVING.

*Fucking go then.

*Fucking speed up.

*Move out the fucking way.

*Fucking prick.

( sign on a McDonalds window ]

It takes two hands to handle
a whopper.

Stevie Wonder
first black man to tell
police "I aint see shit!!!"

Mexican word of the day.
Nutella.
My wife she no listen,so I
nutella notheen!

My wife asked me what the female
version of a "Man cave" would be.
I told her it's called "A kitchen."

I just had a chick use a pickup line
on me that made me wanna marry her.
She ran her fingers across my face
and said,"Is this seat taken?"

Two crabs on a fanny.
Which one is doing drugs?
The one sniffing the crack.

[Bikkie]

Going to subway is
like seeing a prostitue.
You pay somebody else to
do your wife's job.

I lost the bar trivia
contest last night by
one point.The last
question was,"Where do
women have the curliest
hair?"
Apparently the correct
answer is Fiji.

[Bikkie]

A hungry traveler stopped at a
monastery and was taken to the
kitchen where a brother was
frying chips..."Are you the friar?"
he asked.The brother replied,"No
I'm the chip monk."

[Bikkie]

My wife called and
said,"I want to find
you naked when I
get home from work."
I feel awkward sat
here with her
mother,but hey a
shags a shag.

If we didn't have
orgasms.How would
us men know when to
stop!!!

Two flies on a door,
which one is gay?
The one on the knob.

[Bikkie]

If a woman wants to be
held,hold her.If
she is sad,love her.
If she is drunk,well...then
try for anal.

Nothing beats a nice
pair of boobs and
Jack Daniels.
Well...Maybe a blowjob.
A really nice blowjob.

CLEAVAGE
Something you can look
down on and approve of
at the same time.

Just saw the little boy
next door licking whip
cream off the cat.
Pretty sure he heard
something he shouldn't
have.

GRILS. Don't worry
about a nice dress
for that important
first date.
All were interested
in is seeing you naked.

Fellas be careful that
new Gillette ball
technology is a bit
misleading.
( sent from A&E )


I was standing next to
an Eskimo having a
piss.I asked,"What
are those marks all
down your cock?"
He said,"They're from
my wife's teeth
chattering."

[Bikkie]

A 73 year old woman
is in court for
streaking at the
Chelsea Flower
Show.She was let
off with a caution
but was awarded 1st
prize for best dried
bush arrangement.

[Bikkie]

Men look at boobs for the
same reason a little kid
looks at puppies in a cage
We just want to set them
free and play with them.

Dear neighbour,
last night I believe I
could hear you and your
BF having sex.Do you
mind being louder? It was
hard for me to masturbate
while holding a cup on
the wall.
Love
Guy at No.17

The only F
word out a
woman's
mouth that
should scare
you is "fine."

[Bikkie]

I went up to the
missus this morning
and said,"I have a big
problem." she replied
"Now look,you don't
have a problem,we
have a problem,
remember our
wedding day? for
better for worse,for
richer for poorer and
all that,now what's
this so called big
problem?" I said,
"We got your
sister pregnant."

We've given feminists
an inch and they've
taken a yard.The new
Doctor who is female.
We all know doctors
can't be female,it
should be Nurse Who.

What do you call a
duck without a bill? A
responsible and up to
date payer of financial
demands.

American kids are
really looking
forward to the
summer hoildays No
more studing or
getting shot at until
the Autum.

[Bikkie]

After watching Iran,
Morocco,Saudi,Arabia,
Egypt and Tunisia crash
out of the World Cup.
I'd beginning to
think F.I.F.A
stands for Football Isn't
For Arabs.

[Bikkie]

So it's Dry July.
So I'll be taking
part by drinking,
Dry Cider,Dry Gin,
Dry Martini,Dry White wine
And Canada Dry mixer with
any other shots.

[Daffyd]

After watching Iran,
Morocco,Saudi,Arabia,
Egypt and Tunisia crash
out of the World Cup.
I'd beginning to
think F.I.F.A
stands for Football Isn't
For Arabs.

There's still one Arab country in the race... The UK.

[Bikkie]

Men look at boobs for the
same reason a little kid
looks at puppies in a cage.
We just want to set them
free and play with them.

Sometimes God sends an ex
back into your life to see
if you're still stupid.

What do you call an English
man holding the World Cup?
The Engraver.

[Bikkie]

What is the
difference between a
limp dick and a
refugee? One iS hard
to get in,the other
one hard to get out.

[Bikkie]

I just walked into
a local liberal
ran bookstore
and asked for
Trump's new
immigration
book.
The owner said
"Get the fuck
out."
I said,"Yes
that's the one."

Patient:"Hey doc,I would
like to get rid of my love handles"
Doctor:"You sure would
look funny without
your ears."

[Bikkie]

The Mafia have decided to get into
online crime to keep up to date.
They have a new app called
Pay-up-pal.

What's the difference
between a dog and a fox?
About six beers.

[Bikkie]

What's the most
intelligent thing to
come out of a woman's
mouth?
Einsten's cock....

New sexual practice.
'The Mini Van: Two in
the front and as many
as you can fit in the
back.

[Bikkie]

1 caught mt 14 year old
son having a wank.I
told him "If you do that,
you'll go blind." He
replied "Can I do it untill
I need glasses?"

( saw this on the back of a females car )

If you are going to ride
my arse at least pull
my hair.

[Michaelpum]

One "yank" that thanks you for the explanation.

Sounds like something similar to our Starbucks?

:) (https://www.sportzfuel.com/)

[Bikkie]

Women's Quote Of The Day:

"Men are like a
fine wine.They all
start out like grapes,
and it's our job to
stomp on them and
keep them in the dark
until they mature into
something with which
you'd like to have
dinner with."

Man's Counter-Quote Of The Day:

"Women are like
a fine wine.They all
start out fresh,fruity
and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn
full-bodied with age
until they go all sour
and vinegary and give
you a fucking
headache!!"

New relationships are
like joining a gym.In
the beginning there's
so much hope.

[Bikkie]

A word to the wise
chaps.If you borrow
your wifes car to go
dogging in and don't
want her to find out,
for fucks sake
remember to unplug
the dashcam.

Is marriage a lottery?
No-in the lottery,
the odds of being
made happy are only
1 in 45 million.

My wife is a sex
object.......eveytime
I ask for sex she
fucking objects!

[Bikkie]

"So Paddy," said Mick. "Did you
remember to put your clock
forward like I said?" "I did that."
replied Paddy."But I won't be
doing it again." "Why not,Paddy?"
"It tipped off the mantlepiece and
smashed tp pieces."

[Bikkie]

Had to go visit the
sperm bank a few
days ago....The
woman behind the
desk asked me if I
"could you please
masturbate in the
cup" I replied "Well I
am pretty good but
I'm not ready to
enter any
tournaments yet."

[Bikkie]

Mama said,"Life is like
a box of chocolates...
you never know what
you're gonna get."
Well every box of
chocolates is required
to list each one on the
back or on that little
tag attached to it both
for people with nut
allergies and also to
entice customers with
their unique
selections.So do one
Forrest.

What takes up 18
parking spaces?
9 woman drivers.

The police claim I
didn't pass my
Breathalyzer.I know
for a fact I did.It was
in their car when I
overtook it doing
130 mph.

New Divorced Barbie
comes with all of
Ken's accessories.

A prostitute new to
the game was told by
her pimp,"No sex for
the first 7 days just
wanks!" She asked...
"Why only
wanks?"...Her pimp
said..."Union
rules!...you gotta
work a week in
hand!"

Social Housing,
where anti-social
people live.

YGOLOHCYSP:
Reverse psychology

My gay neighbour
empathetically only
gives loans to those
suffering from issues
of sexuality.He's a
tender bender
gender lender.

Faceboook are
launching a dating
app that's going to let
users choose between
five genders.Well,
I'm all for equality
and think it's about
time they included
the other three
genders-Attention
seeker,Mentally ill
and In denial.

I went to the chemist
to get some lube.
"We don't have any,
Have you tried
Boots?" I said,
"I want to
glide in,not fucking march in!"

I answered an advert,
"Wanted,someone to
stroke my long
golden hair and to
enjoy long walks on
the beaches or
through the woods.I
want to have dinners
with you and spend
all night cuddled up
to you.I want to gaze
at you as you sleep,I
will be there for you,
to help guide you
through your life."
Anyway,I'm picking
up my golden
retriever puppy next
week.

That moment
when you slide the
condom on and
look at yourself in
the mirror with a
massive hard on.
Then you tell the
chemist,"I'll take
it."

[Bikkie]

Just saved a
fucking fortune on
Christmas shit.
Bought an old
stags head and
stuck in on the
front room wall.
Told my kids the
reindeer are dead
and Santa can't
get round,but I'll
make sure they
get some nice veal
steaks for
Christmas day.

Theresa May
might as well
become a
Jehovahs
Witness.They
don't have a party
at Christmas
either.

It was the night of
Christmas Eve and
the missus who
had plumped up
over recent years
was feeling horny.
She whispered in
my ear,"Fist fuck
me on the dinning
table in the
kitchen,I want it
so bad." So we
went downstairs
and she laid back
first on the
table,feet flat and
legs at 10 past 2.
After kifting her
gut away I was
anle to see her
dripping gash.It
was so wet that
my fist slid in with
ease but as I
popped it in I
noticed my 5 year
old son in the
door way.He
looked at me with
my fist buried
elbow deep in this
soggy crevice,
then went to the
fridge and got out
a bowl of pork
mince.He popped
it into my other
hand and said
"Mum uses this
when she's
stuffing the
turkey."

"Do you know
why we don't
celebrate
Christmas?" this
Jewish father
asked his little Yid.
"Is it because we
are the meanest
cunts on the
planet and make
the scottish look
like spendthrifts?"
he replied.

Stay politicallly correct this
Christmas by
buying your child
an action gender
fluid doll,
Complete with
machine gun,
rocket launcher,
penis,breasts,
make up and a flat
500 with
eyelashes.

Befor you laugh
at children who
believe in Father
Christmas,
remember,there
are adults who still
believe in Jose
Mourinho...

We used to have a
girl nicknamed
Rudolph at school
not because she
had a red nose
because she used
to go down in
history,

My lad has come
to me and asked
for transformers
for Christmas.Now
I don't mins the
expense.I mean I
can pick them up
at KmaRT FOR LIKE
$50.But what on
earth does a 5 year
old have that
needs to run on
110v.

[Bikkie]

With so many beauiful
friends to wish a Happy
New Year to I thought
I'd get the ugly ones
out of the way first.
Happy New Year to
you!

Wishing you and family
good health and good
fortune for 2019 take
care guys and girls.

2019 is at the door...
..Remember.Life is
short,break the rules,
forgive quickly,kiss
slowly,love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret
anything that made you
smile,Send to all the
people you love and
don't want to lose in
2019 even me....if
you get 3 back your a
great friend.

Before the sun sets
on 2018 Before the
memories fade Before
the network gets jammed
and Before I get drunk
and lose my phone I'm
wishing you a very
Happy and prosperous 2019

[Bikkie]

I was going to
make some New
Years resolutions,
But that just
perpetuates the
idea that we
should try to
improve ourselves.

Simon Cowell
blames New Year's
Honours snub on
Panama Papers
leak.Queen says,
"Not true-it's
because you're a
cunt."

New Year
resolution for
2019 is to get
over my erectile
dysfuncyion.I
don't think it'll be
hard.

I took my wife's
Christmas present
back to the shop
today and got her
a bigger size,the
girls thought it was
funny as fuck.
They've never had
a scarf returned
before.

Wife: "I have
blisters on my
hands from the
broom."
Husband: "Well next tine
take the car stupid
cunt!"

Little known fact,
before the
invention of the
crowbar,crows
had to do their
drinking at home.

Mary had Dyslexia.
She also had a
stammer.So Mary
never had a Lamb.
She had L L
Llama

Jack and Jill went
up the hill to
smoke a little grass
He wanted a shag
She was on the rag
So jack fucked her
up the arse.

They say that
people can no
longer live without
facebook,twitter,
or other social
media,and get
genuine anxiety if
you take away
their mobiles or
laptops,even for
an hour.There's
even a term for it.
FOMO fear of
missing out.No
it's sadder than
that.Fatuous.
Obssesive.Morons
Online

I can't believe
June Whitfield is
dead.Her
Christmas Day
speech was only
days ago.

Dyslexics are
teople poo.

I'm going to go
rob a bank
tomorrow.I plan
on dressing up in a
clown wig and
make up and only
wearing a thong
and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat
and a can of
fluorescent paint
in one arm and,
while in the bank,
I'm going to fuck
the goat and
throw the paint
over the walls,all
the time ripping
up pages of a
phone book and
swearing my head
off.After getting
the money,I'll
take a shit on the
floor and piss
everywhere.I then
will escape in a
van shaped like a
giant pink cock.
Let's see
Police Ten 7 stage
a reconstruction of
that fucker.

[Bikkie]

Happy New Years!
Wishing you 12 months of success
52 weeks of laughter
365 days of fun
8760 hours of joy
525600 minutes of good luck
and 31536000 seconds
of happiness.

[Bikkie]

I had my first
parachute jump
today and I was
terrified.This guy
srapped himself to
me and we jumped
out.As we
plummited he said
"So how long have
you been an
instructor?"

[Bikkie]

I've just been to
the army recruitment
office and asked for
sercice in Iraq or
Afghanistan.The
recruitment officer
said that they are
both war zones.
Extremely hostile
enviroments.
where you will be
hated.There will
be lots of
screaming and
people trying to
kill each other on a
daily basis and
whatever you do
will go
unappreciated
have you any sort
of training for
this? Yes sir I
replied I live with
teenage
stepdaughters!

I hate it when
people can't let go
of the past,,,,...Debt
collectors are the
worst.

[Bikkie]

I found the pot at the end of
the rainbow.Too bad the
lepechaun had already fucking
smoked it.

So apparently
RSVP'ing back to a
wedding invite
"maybe next time"
isn't the correct
response.

Apparently the average person
has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be a fucking
brilliant week.

[Bikkie]

My grandfather
just died.In a way
I'm quite proud of
him.He died
having sex with
my grandma,he is
93 years old and
was getting his
thing on.Anyways
my grandma said
"We were doing it
on sunday
morning because he
could use the
church bells to
pace himself.I
think he would be
alive today if an
icecream van
hadn't gone past."

[Bikkie]

Life advice for the ladies:
If you're running late and
you says it's
because you were masturbating,men
won't even care about the 'late' part.

If you have ever sat in the
toilet at work and
wondered how long you
can sit there before
someone searches for you,
the answer is 47 minutes.

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend told me
she hoped I had
something planned for
Valentine's Day.I
said,"I'm working on it."
and she smiled,which
was weird as I thought
she would be upset that
I'm having to work on
Valentine's Day.

I told my girlfriend
last year."For
Valentines Day,I'm
going to give
you the sun,the
moon,and the
stars," she was so
excited,until she
unwrapped her
new telescope,which
I am currently using
to find a new
girlfriend.

I said to my
missus,"If I ask
you what you
would like for a
Valentine's Day
gift,you'd just say
nothing,wouldn't
you?" "Yes." she
replied."Ok then,"
I answered,"You
might as well
have your present
now then."

[Bikkie]

The difference between
the marfia and the
goverment is that the
mafia makes a profit!

My lad is in his
first proper
relationship,I
was trying to
give him the
advice about
women that my
dad gave me.I
said,"Never think
you can win an
argument with a
woman by using
logic,that never
works." "Even if
you are right,
never prove it
because she will
then punish you
for proving her
wrong and you
will wish you had
just given in."
"And finally you
can never win on
a single point
because women
always get
Historical." He
said,"Surely you
mean Hysterical"
I said,"No son
they bring up
every fucking
thing you have
done wrong in
your entire life."

[Bikkie]

Not all men want
a relationship just
for sex.We want
sandwiches and
washing done
too.

Tips for girls dating
cannibals.

1.Avoid giving head.

2.Clarify what eat your pussy means.

3.Never allow his mates to come
round and spit roast you.

[Bikkie]

The missus asked
me to be more like
Liverpool during
sex."What the
Fuck" I said,
"Well,you stay on
top for ages then
come 2nd she
replied.

Some bastard just
pinched a pair of my
wife's knickers off the
washing line.She's not
bothered about the
knickers but she wants
the 12 pegs back.

[Bikkie]

An 8 year old girl went
to office with her father
on "Take Your Kid to
work day." As they
were walking around
the office the young girl
started crying and
getting very cranky.
Her father asked what
was wrong with her.As
the staff gathered
round,she sobbed
loudly "Daddy where
are all the clowns that
you said you worked
with?"

Last night I went to a
bar and the most crazy
thing happened.Some
chick got her nipple
pierced in front of me
On an unrelated
subject...I suck at
darts.

[Hoonicorn]

A
the staff gathered
round,she sobbed
loudly "Daddy where
are all the clowns that
you said you worked
with?"


OMG that made me giggle.

For Sale on Trademe: Dyson vacuum cleaner as new, selling as only collecting dust.

[Bikkie]

Big truck=small dick
thus
small car=big dick
we also know that
big shoes=big dick
therefore
small car+big shoes=huge dick
So CLOWNS.....


Some people are
like clouds.
When they
disappear,
it's a
beauiful
day.

[Bikkie]

I call my wife the
preying mantis
because at any
time without
provocation she
may bite my
fuckinh head off.

[Bikkie]

What do panties and nail
polish have in common?
They both come off
with alcohol...

[Bikkie]

A nurse walks into a
bank exhausted after a
20 hour shift.
She pulls an anal
thermometer out of her
pocket and tries to
write a cheque with it.
She looks at the cashier
and says,"Well that's
fucking great,some
arsehole has got my
pen."

[Bikkie]

Two women are
putting out their
washing and
talking over the
garden fence.
"Hey Sharon,
how come you
only hang out your
washing on
the good days?
This changing
weather never
catches you out."
"Well,Tracey.
What I do in the
morning is I lift
up the sheets and
if my Barry's dick
is leaning to the
left,it's be a fine
day for the
washing." "Really,
Sharon?" "Yes.
And if my Barry's
dick is leaning to
the right,I know
it'll rain." "Great,
I'll have to try
that.And what do
you do if it sticks
up straight?"
"Fuck the
washing!

[Bikkie]

You know how you
get that urge to
eat something just
cause its there?...
Yeah I lost my job
as a gynaecologist
today.

[Bikkie]

American logic:
The average Vagina can
take up to 8 inches of
dick.The average dick
is 5.6 inches,which
means that per woman,
there is on average
about 2.4 inches being
left unused! That's
roughly 159.62 miles of
unused Pussy just in
New York alone!

[Bikkie]

why do Dasher and
Dancer love coffee?
Because they're
Santa's star bucks.

[Bikkie]

"Hey,son do you know
where your Dad is?"
"Yes Mum,I think he's
at Aunty Linda's
playing pin The Tail
On The Donkey."
"Don't be silly,what
makes you think that?"
"Well,I heard him on
the phone saying,I'll
be round in five minutes
to nail your ass."

[Bikkie]

Winter is approaching
and our native birds
will soon be finding
food scarce.
Please go to the pet
shop and buy a bag of
nuts....There is
no finer sight on
a winters morning
than a pair of tits
round Ya nut sack,
however it's a bit
early to expect a
swallow

[Bikkie]

When my daughter's black
boyfriend unbelievably
rubbed a genie out of a
lamp at an antiques store,
It was unbelievable when
he was granted one wish
but I couldn't understand
what he asked for as he
mostly speaks in ebonics.
I then laughed quite a bit
though as when we left,a
few cops instantly came up
and found cocaine on him
and arrested him!
I then asked my daughter if
that had something to do with
the genie,and she groaned,"I
think Jamal really doesn't
know the difference between
reincarnated and reincarcerated

[Bikkie]

Sex with my wife is like my
bank account.
I put it in,lose interest
and take it out again.

[Bikkie]

My wife walked into the
kitchen this morning and
instead of saying good
morning she said "White
Rabbit" I immediately
replied "Jefferson
Airplane,late 1960's" She
just glared at me. W.T.F



Confucious say: Man who
have sex on innerspring
have offspring next
spring.

[Piper]

I asked this young woman at my gym
what her New Year's resolution was,
She said, "Fuck You" So I'm pretty
excited about my upcoming New Year.

[Piper]

Have you seen how
expensive funerals are
nowadays?
Just before I die, I'm going
to change my name to
'OFF' That way when
the car is driving to the
graveyard with my coffin
in it, The flowers on top of
the coffin will spell
"R. I. P OFF".


I was in the pharmacy
waiting for my
prescription when this
pretty assistant started
flirting with me...
So as I waited I couldn't
help but ask, do you take
it up the arse or do you
swallow... That was when
she called the police
You know to this day I
still don't know what I'm
supposed to do with my
suppositories.

[Piper]

Just been watching
women's golf on Sky

So like real life...

They're shit at driving but
great with an iron.

[Swoop]

Okay, it’s over, it’s done. No more jokes about that ship stuck in the Suez Canal. That ship has sailed.

[Piper]

"This girl got her massive
tits out the other day when
I was playing poker" I told
my mate.

"Hold em?" He said?

"No" I said "I was too busy
playing cards."

[Piper]

My wife was getting sick
of me buying her stupid
gifts.
"Next one you buy, I’m
gonna fucking burn it."
So I bought her a candle.

[Piper]

I managed to get out in
my soft top convertible
and the old girl got a few
looks with her top down.
"Put your pinny back on
nanna," I said, "It's fucking
June."

[Piper]

Bumper sticker on a
senior's car.
I'm speeding because I
have to get there before I
forget where I'm going.


A Spanish greengrocer
is 1.74 meters tall, has
a waist circumference
of 105 centimeters, and
wears a size of 44. What
does he weigh?
Vegetables.

[Piper]

Anyone who says their
wedding day was the
best day of their life has
obviously never had two
snicker bars fall down
at once from a vending
machine


DID YOU KNOW?

In the 90's Arsenal soccer club had a player
called David Dicks. When he was injured,
the Newspaper wrote, "Arsenal to play
without Dicks."
The coach was upset so the Newspaper
changed the headline to read
"Arsenal to play with Dicks out".... A
record number of women attended the
match.

[Piper]

A young woman had
been talking golf
lessons

She had just started
playing her first round
of golf when she
suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so
intense that she
decided to return to
the clubhouse for help and complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the
clubhouse and asked, "why are you back in
so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said
"Where?" he asked

"Between the first and second hole," she
replied... He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
feet were to far apart."


My husband died in a
Bungee Accident...
... He was brought
into this world by
a broken rubber...
And went out
the same way.

[Piper]

A motorcycle is like an
Essex girl. It makes a lot
of noise when you ride it.

[Piper]

Women are like roads, the
more the curves, the more
dangerous they are...

[F5 Dave]

Jesus fuking krist.

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

You have like the world's record of un-funny text posted.

I mean really?

Try a bit harder or flag it.

[Piper]

Size Does Matter

Results of women's survey on size.

Women's response:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a Customers
Feedback on different Sizes of Subway
sandwiches!!!! But I love the way you all
think! This is why I worry about you all.
Dirty minds!

[YellowDog]

Hi Brian, This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard P.S. Past my best to your lovely wife too.

Brian , feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Brian then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard:







SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Brian , Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

[Piper]

Things you can say about your favourite pair of
shoes but not about your partner.

I don't like it when I'm
inside of you and you
squeak.

They used to fit tighter.

Hah the tongue keeps
getting in the way.


Things a dentist says that you can't
say to your partner...

Wow, I'm not going
in there.

And rinse and spit.

Ah, It's going to take more
than me to fill that cavity.

You're just going to feel
a little prick.

[Bikkie]

Jesus fuking krist.

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

You have like the world's record of un-funny text posted.

I mean really?

Try a bit harder or flag it.

Don't read them then!!

[Piper]

I asked a woman today
what her favorite type
of man was. She said
Doctors, Dentists and
Coal Men.
How does that work I asked.
Well the Doctor asks me to take
my clothes off, the Dentist asks
me to open my mouth and the
Coal Man asks me if I want it in
the front or the back...

[Bikkie]

Puns

1. The fattest knight at
king Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.He
ate too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye
doctor on an Alaskan
island,but it was an
optical Aleution.

3. She was only a whiskey
maker,but he loved her
still.

4. A rubber band pistol
was confiscated from
algebra class as a weapon
of maths distruption.

5. No mattter how much
you push the enelope,it
remains stationery.

6. A dog gave birth in the
park and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown
into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a
race.They ended up in a
tie.

9. A hole was found in
a nudist camp wall.The
police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an
arrow.Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. Athesim is a non-prophet
organization.

12. Two hats were
hanging on a hat rack.One
said,"You stay here I'll go
on a head."

13. I wondered why the
cricket ball kept getting
bigger.Then it hit me.

14. Lawn sign at a drugs
rehab center.Keep off
The Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller
who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

16. A soldier who survived
mustard gas and pepper
spray is a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet
writes inverse.

18. In a democracy,it's
your vote that counts.In
Feudalism,it's your count
that votes.

19' When cannibals eat
a missionary,they get a
taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off a
bridge in paris,you'd be in
Seine.

21. A vulture boards an
airplane carrying two
dead raccoons.The flight
attendant says,"I'm sorry,
sir,only one carrion is
allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a
concrete wall.One says,
"Dam."

23. Infidelity is a sin.You
can't have your Kate and
Edith too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms
meet.One says,"I've lost
my electron." The other
says,"Are you sure?" The
first replies,"Yes I'm
postitive."

25. Buddhists who refuse
painkiller during a root
canal seek to transcend
dental medication.

[Piper]

The wife said she is doing Dry July.
I don't think so with a sexy fucker like
me walking around.

[Laava]

I phoned the Council yesterday to see if they could collect and dispose of my old broken tv.

They told me it would cost $27, so today I paid $11 for a courier to take it and deliver it to the council.

[R650R]

Repost from FB

Really concerned my mother in law might get picked up in Ice raids.
She lives at 386 West street and Elm and goes to work at Walmart at 7am every morning

[Bikkie]

A farmer went to a
local bar and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next
to him said, "How about
that? I just ordered
champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence"
the farmer said. "This is
a special day for me. I
am celebrating."

"This is a special day for
me too, I am also
celebrating," said the
woman.

"What a coincidence!"
said the farmer. As
they clinked glasses he
added: "What are you
celebrating?"

"My husband and I have
been trying to have a
child and today my
gynecologist told me
that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!"
said the man. I'm a
chicken farmer and all
last year my hens were
infertile, but today they
are all laying eggs
again."

"That's great!" said the
woman, "How did your
chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock,"
he replied.

The woman smiled,
clinked his glass and
said, "What a
coincidence!"




Called my boss earlier
and said I won't be
returning to work
tomorrow because I
have vaginal issues. He
said, "For fuck's sake
you're a man." I replied
"Yes but you're a cunt."




There I was, sitting at
the bar, staring at my
drink when a large,
trouble making Biker
steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps
it down in one swig
"Well whatcha gonna
do about it?" he says
menacingly-As I burst
into tears. "This is the
worst day of my life." I
say."I'm a complete
failure.I was late to a
meeting and my boss
fired me.When I went
to the parking lot, I
found my car had been
stolen and I don't have
any insurance.I left my
wallet in the cab I took
home.I found my wife
with another man and the
dog bit me." "So I
came to this bar to
work up the courage to
put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a
capsule in and sit here
watching the poision
dissolve.Then you
show up and drink the
whole thing! But
enough about me.
How's your day going?"



LEVELS OF STRESS

You pick up a
hitchhiker, a beauiful
youny girl.Suddenly she
faints inside your car
and you take her to
hospital.
NOW THAT'S
STRESSFUL.
But at the hospital, they
say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that
you are going to be a
father. You say that you
are not the father, but
the girl says you are.

THIS IS GETTING
VERY STRESSFUL.
So then....you
request a DNA test to
prove that you are not
the father.After the
tests are completed, the
says that you are
infertile, and probably
have been since
birth. You are extremely
stressed but relieved. On
your way home, you
think about your 3
kids, NOW THAT'S
STRESS!




FIVE DEADLY TERMS
USED BY A WOMAN:

1.Fine: This is the word
women use to end an
argument when she
knows she is right and
you need to shut-up

2.Nothing: Means
something and you
need to be worried.

3.Go Ahead: This is a
dare, not permission, do
not do it.

4.Whatever: A woman's
way of saying screw you.

5.That's Okay: She is
thinking long and hard
on how and when you
will pay for your mistake.

BONUS WORD: Wow! This
is not a compliment, she's
amazed that one person
could be so stupid.




THINGS THAT ARE
DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE
VERY DIFFICULT TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anticomstitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transsubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married

2. Nope, no more booze
for me

3. Sorry but you're not
really my type

4. No, I don't want to see
your fanny

5. No my cocks fine as it
is I don't want you to
suck it

6. No please don't sit on
my face I've got asthma.






MY FIRST TIME!
The sky was dark. The
moon was high. All
alone just her and I . Her
hair so soft. Her eyes so
blue. I knew just what
she wanted to do. Her
skin so soft. Her legs so
fine. I ran my fingers
down her spine. I didn't
know how but I tried
my best. To place my
hand upon her breast. I
remember my fear. My
fast beating heart. But
slowly she spread her
legs apart. And when
she did I felt no
shame. As all at once the
white stuff came. At
least it was finished. Its
all over now. My first
time MILKING A COW!

Yes I know what you was
thinking! send this to all
your dirty minded friends :)

[Bikkie]

TOUNGE TWISTER:

How many buds can a bud packer pack till a bud packer can't pack buds.

( see if you can say it 5 times fast without fucking up LOL )




Teacher: "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Billy: "None, the others would fly away."

Teacher: "The answer is four but I like the way you think."

Billy: "I have a question for you Miss. There are three women eating ice-cream cones, one is licking, one biting and one sucking. Which one is married?"

Teacher nervously answers
"The one sucking."

Billy: "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."




Last night we played a game where we gave each other nicknames with
Bird Theme. I was an owl "clever". Pete was an Eagle "good hunter".
Oh and you were a Thrush "an irritating cunt."




My car failed it's mot. It needs work on the suspension, brakes steering and bodywork.
I said to the mechanic "do you do shocks?" he said "yeah, it will be about 3 grand to get
it back on the road"




"LEARNING CHINESE"

69: Two Can Chou.

That's Not Right: Sum Ting wong.

Are You Harboring A Fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See Me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man: Dum Gai.

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did You Go To The Beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped Into The Coffee Table: Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I Think You Need A Face Lift: Chin Tu Fat.

It's Very Dark In Here: Wai So Dim?

I Thought You Were On A Diet: Mun Ching?

This Is A Tow Away Zone: No Pah King.

You Are Not Very Bright: You So Dum.

I Got This For Free: Ai No Pei.

Please Stay A While Longer: Wai Go Noo?

Stay Out Of Sight: Lei Lo.

He's Cleaning His Automobile: Wa Shing Ka.

Your Body Odor Is Offensive: Yustin Ki Pu.




Texting For The Over 40's and 50's
The kids have all their SMS codes like WTF, LOL and PMSL etc.
So here are some codes for the more mature:

ATD=At The Doctors.

BFF=Best Friends Funeral.BTW=Bring The Wheelchair.

HGBM=Had Good Bowel Movement.

WTL=Where's The Lubricant.

ISMSA=I've Shit My self Again.

WTFMT=Where The Fucks My Teeth.




For some time, many of us have wondered who is 'Jack Shit?'
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit"
Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit
is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit, the owners of Knee Deep n Shit Inc.
In turn Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children:
Holy Shit, Give a Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit , a high school dropout.
After 15 years, Jack and No Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No Shit Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Shit-happens.
Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So tell me now you don't know Jack Shit!


NEW DRINKING
WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice
will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...There you have it!!! ICE is fuckin lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight !!! Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!! And don't forget what it did to the fuckin Titanic!!!




Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!!!!!!!
Today is International Nutters Day. Please sendan encouring message to fucked up friends, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or shit yourself. You hang in there cuo cake, you're fucking special, you're my mate!!!! Look at you smiling at your phone!!!!




ADULT SCRABBLE...................
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important
part of the human body which is even more important when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote spine became doctors...

The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friends. :)




WALLET SCAM WARNING!
In Woolworths, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls , in tight tiny tops They wash your screen with tits hanging out and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment.
On the way they strip and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday. twice on Thursday and again today.

BE CAREFUL!!




Heard my Neighbour shagging for what seemed ages last night, moaning, groaning
and banging the headboard off the wall!...Turns out her elderly mother had fallen
over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help...Feel a bit guilty about the wank now.




An old man and his grandson went into a bookies. The boy asks his grandad if he could put a bet on.
"If you can touch your arsehole with your dick, you can have a bet. says grandad.
"I can't" says the lad.
"Well, your not old enough then."
So the boy goes next door, buys buys a scratch card and wins 50 Grand! His grandad suggested they split the winnings 50-50.
"Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy.
"Yes!" shouts grandad.
"Well, go fuck yourself then."




He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face.
As his girlfriend moved forwards the backwards.....
forwards then
backwards....
back and forth..
back and forth..
In and out..
in and out..
Her heart was pounding
faster, her face was
getting flushed and she
started to grunt and
groan.
Then she let out one
almighty scream!!!
"I can't park this fuckin car! You do it!




Guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Triple scotch on the rocks fast."
Barman says, "You had a bad day?" Guy says, "Fuck yeah my 5 year old son got the neighbours 18 year old pregnant." Barman asks,"Fuck how is that even possible?" Guy replies,"The liittle shit poked holes in my condoms."




I thought my new girlfriend might be."The one"...but after looking throuh her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a french maids uniform and a policewoman's uniform I've dumped her. She obvously can't hold down a job.




This story is about 4 cunts, named Everycunt, Anycunt, Nocunt and Someothercunt, one day, there was a job that needed doing, and Someothercunt was asked to do it, Everycunt was sure Someothercunt would do do it, but Nocunt did it.
Everycunt got shitty cause it was Someothercunt's job.
Nocunt didn't realise that Anycunt could have done it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Someothercunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done. I think I work with these cunts.

[Bikkie]

Rocky the rooster was the meanest, biggest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the shit out of all the animals on the farm.
One day he picked on the farmyard cat, unfortunately the cat beat the shit out of him.
The moral of the story is: No matter how big the cock is, the pussy can always take it.




The wife asked me what I was doing on the
computer last night. I
told her I was looking
for cheap flights. "I love
you!" she said, then she
got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me
the most amazing blowjob
ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before




A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically.
Dad says that's hard, but I have an idea. Ask Mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million.
Mum says yes. Dad says. now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for 2 million. Sister says yes.
Well, there you go son that's your answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3 million but realistically we're living with two sluts.



A MODERN FAIRYTALE:

Once upon a time a
prince asked a beautiful
princess "will you marry
me?" She replied "Fuck
off!", and the prince
lived hapy ever after
and rode motorbikes
and fucked skinny big
titted bitches and
hunted and raced cars
and went to naked bars
and dated women half
his age and drank
whiskey, beer and rum
and never heard
bitching and never paid
child support or alimony
and ate pussies and
and fucked models and kept
his house and guns and never
got cheated on
while at work and all his
mates and family
thought he was fucking
cool as hell and had tons
of cash in the bank and
left the toilet seat
up....THE END!