flyingcrocodile46's joke thread

[flyingcrocodile46]

One morning a Council road repair crew crew reaches their job-site and realise they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"

The mom answers, "A vagina."

And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"

And the dad answers, "A penis."

So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

[flyingcrocodile46]

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation

3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.


4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.


6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.


10. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.


12. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.


13. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.


14. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.


16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


17. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.


18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

[Gubb]

Yeah, Pedophilia, Rape and Incest are the funniest things.

Dropkick.

[flyingcrocodile46]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains would fall out.


2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.


4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.


25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.

[awayatc]

In Austria that is not a joke....:baby:

[MIXONE]

I resent that.I used to work for the council and we underwent vigorous training on how to lean on a shovel correctly so as not to get bad posture.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Yeah, Pedophilia, Rape and Incest are the funniest things.

Dropkick.

Sorry.. you have the wrong address.. victim support is some place else.

[Gubb]

If your child had been raped, I doubt you would find this sort of shit funny.

[nallac]

i go by #8.
easier to get forgiveness than permission.........

[flyingcrocodile46]

If your child had been raped, I doubt you would find this sort of shit funny.

I don't think I'd be so embittered that I'd loose all perspective of humour. Nor would I let anything (no matter how bad) turn me into a long term victim.

I'm sorry if someone you know has been victimised... but I ain't responsible for it and I respectfully suggest that you don't let it rule the rest of your lives. If you're tender at the moment then take a bit of time away from public forums till you're ready to interact without getting emo.

[Gubb]

Honestly mate, if you find jokes about child rape funny, your obviously not the sort of well-adjusted person that i'm interested in ever having an actual conversation with. I suspect i'm younger than you, but considerably more mature. Grow up.

After the whole "pedobear" fiasco, I don't see this thread being around for particularly long.

Welcome to the swelling ranks of my ignore list.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Welcome to the swelling ranks of my ignore list.

Yeah!... sticking your fingers in your ears and squeezing your eyes shut is real grown up.:niceone:

Funny I didn't see anyone jumping up and down about the inappropriateness of all the pics of young girls in suggestive poses that have been plastered all over the picture association thread on and off over the last few weeks... which is likely to be more inciting for deviants who fear they are subject to such whims than a string of text posted in a joke thread.

Ever noticed that those that protest the most on righteous matters tend to be the most prominent offending deviants?... We only have to look to the catholic church to see examples of such evil hypocrite's.

I have a clear conscience so I don't feel insecure about jokes in that vein... I guess that can't be said of all.

[flyingcrocodile46]

My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[flyingcrocodile46]

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the
meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole and you're a hole behind me. You must be on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th and you're a hole behind me.
You must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his
play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand you are in the sales profession. What a coincidence ..
I'm in sales too. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he
laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would
laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman,
so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[flyingcrocodile46]

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.



1.A woman whispers, "Fuck me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:

•Short-sighted.
•Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
•Begging for it
•A recording.


2.In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

•Sex.
•Fucking.
•Enclosure.
•The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.


3.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

•Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
•Your blood-test results.
•A cab.
•Five tequila slammers.


4.You time your orgasm so that:
•Your partner climaxes first.
•You both climax simultaneously.
•The director can set up for a close-up.
•You don't miss Sportsnight.


5.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

•Strictly for cats.
•Healthy, creative love-play.
•Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
•Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.


6.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

•The best part of the experience.
•The second best part of the experience.
•A loathsome chore.
•$100 extra.


7.Your girlfriend says she's gained four pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

•No concern of yours.
•No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
•No problem--she can join your gym.
•A conservative estimate.


8.Today's sensitive, caring man is:

•An ideal to which you aspire.
•A myth.
•An oxymoron.
•A moron.


9.Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:

•Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
•Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
•Take her to the abortion clinic.
•Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.


10.A prostitute is:

•A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression.
•Someone who provides an essential service. •A cheap date.
•A valued employee.


11.A wife is:

•A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression.
•Someone who provides an essential service. •A cheap date.
•A valued employee.


12.Masturbation is:

•Sex with someone you love.
•A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
•A team sport.
•A cheap date.


13.How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?

•When she drops her nail file.
•When she goes the color of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
•When the Earth moves
•Who cares?


14.It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:

•Call her.
•Call your lawyer.
•Call your doctor.
•Call your wife.


15.Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:

•"Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
•"I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
•"You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep..."
•"Another consonant please, Carol..."


16.You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:

•An overdraft.
•A blow job.
•Her to pay next time.
•A thank-you letter.


17.You call your penis:

•John Thomas.
•Terry-Thomas.
•Massive.
•On its birthday.


18.Foreplay is to sex as:

•Priming is to painting.
•Appetizer is to entree.
•Trailer is to feature.
•A queue is to an amusement park ride.


19.The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:

•Free Lorena Bobbitt.
•Free Mike Tyson.
•Free Willy.
•Free condom with this survey.


20.During sex you:

•Haggle.
•Talk dirty.
•Talk of love.
•Talk on the phone.


21.Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:

•Outraged.
•Implicated.
•Jealous.
•A Labour voter anyway.


22.A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:

•Easier.
•Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
•Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
•A tricky defense in court.


23.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

•"I hope we can still be friends."
•"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
•"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..." •"Keep the change."


24.At what point do you put on the condom?:

•Before you go out.
•Before you pass out.
•As a party trick.
•Never.


25.You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:

•Talk through her anger.
•Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
•Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
•Ask her to put down the knife.


26.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

•Is uptight and a waste of time.
•Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
•May need glasses.
•Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[flyingcrocodile46]

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."

[flyingcrocodile46]

http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg305/flyingcrocodile46/break.jpg
http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg305/flyingcrocodile46/break1.jpg
http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg305/flyingcrocodile46/break2.jpg
http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg305/flyingcrocodile46/break3.jpg

[flyingcrocodile46]

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already !

Q: What's transparent lays dead in the corner ?
A: A woman with the crap kicked out of her.

[flyingcrocodile46]

A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk, "Do you
have any batteries?"

"Yes." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this
way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman answered, "I wouldn't need
the batteries."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A mother is with her 5-year-old boy at the zoo when they reach the elephant
cage. The 5-year-old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says to
his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" The mom
replies "That's his trunk". The little boy says, "I know that, the thing to
the other side of the trunk." The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail". The boy
says, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the
trunk and tail." The mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs,
just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit. Two
weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant
exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the
elephant?" The dad replies, "That's his trunk." "No, behind that!" says the
kid. "Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father. "NO, in-between the
trunk and the tail!" yells the kid. The father replies, "Son, that's the
elephant's penis." The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it
was nothing." The dad replied, "Well, your mom's been spoiled."

[Ixion]

You are SO going to be infracted and PDdb

[fLaThEaD FreD]

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already !

Q: What's transparent lays dead in the corner ?
A: A woman with the crap kicked out of her.

:Bastard u made me piss myself! and you got me in trouble with the Missus :motu:

[flyingcrocodile46]

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time
he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance
further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again
encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind
a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little
Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !"

[flyingcrocodile46]

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found
it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that
it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the
outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counselled the
therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until
she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with
the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to
dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment
for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but,
by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my
compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that
fit you."

[flyingcrocodile46]

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked
Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?", asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

[flyingcrocodile46]

The joystick is still wet.

[flyingcrocodile46]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in
they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator car.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very
matter-of-factly," It looks like cum."
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through
her nose, and proclaims "Yes, and it smells like cum"
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the
puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, it's nobody from our
building."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A blind man, enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, the blind guy
yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ? "The bar
immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is
blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and She's a weight
lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[flyingcrocodile46]

Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is
not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU
can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my
behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the
moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2
about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and
be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is
the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste , but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for
some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. I If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[EJK]

you can stop with the Jokes n Humor spree lol

[flyingcrocodile46]

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when
one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can
blow smoke rings."

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes,
too, and can blow smoke out of his ears."

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My
Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the
tobacco stains on his underwear."

[flyingcrocodile46]

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,
and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

[flyingcrocodile46]

you can stop with the Jokes n Humor spree lol

Jokes???.. what jokes? I'd been given the impression that these posts were all taken seriously.... I wish you people would make up your minds:blink:

[flyingcrocodile46]

Finally--a math trick for people who will follow directions!
.

Try this... it works!! Don't cheat by scrolling down or it *won't*
work!
.

STEP ONE:
Pick a number between 1 and 100.
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age minus the number in family.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on one side of a piece of paper.
.

STEP TWO:
Pick another different number between 1 and 100.
Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family and subtract your age.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
.

STEP THREE:
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to the
last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365.
Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
.

STEP FOUR
Take the number of pets you have and add it to the number of children
you have, then multiply this number by your age.
Write the number on the second sheet of paper
.

STEP FIVE
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and sheet two
in your right hand.
.

NOW....
.

Find a bin/drawer and place the sheets in it....
.

Scroll down...
.
.
.
.

Now using both your hands...
.

Scroll down...
.
.
.
.
.
.


slap yourself around the head while repeating:

"I'm a stupid person who wastes too much time on junk like this."

[flyingcrocodile46]

These two brothers both get married on the same day and both couples go
to the same exotic island for their honeymoon. On the first evening the
brothers are briefly left alone and they start wondering about how many
times they'll have sex that evening. They decide to have a little
competition and they agree that they'll tell each other how many times
they managed by using a code.

The following morning both couples have breakfast together. The waiter
comes over and asks what they'd like to eat.

The first brother replies, "I'll have FOUR slices of toast please," and
he smiles subtly at his brother.

The second brother says, "I'll have SIX slices of toast please... And
can you make three of them brown."

[flyingcrocodile46]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other. "You know, I've been sitting here
so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I
want
the condoms because I think tonight's "THE" night. We're having dinner with
her
parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky
after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later
that
evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks
if
he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues
praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told
me
that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers,
"You
never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[emaN]

dude,
enough with the lame jokes...
or at least put 'em all in the same thread so they're outta the way!

[FJRider]

On the bottom of milk bottles...for blondes... OPEN OTHER END.

[gunnyrob]

Describe the WORST blow job you've ever received?


FAAAAN-TAS-TIC!!!!!!!!!!

[Number One]

Another womans perspective...When was the last time you choked on a clit that was trying to sneak it's way past YOUR tonsils?

Just saying...

[Taz]

Describe the WORST blow job you've ever received?


FAAAAN-TAS-TIC!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe a spelling mistake on your name??? Should be GummyRob??? :clap:

[Number One]

Congratulations on giving me an excuse to finally hand out some red.

They say people will find humour in anything and everything...with personal experience in this particular topic - I can assure you there is nothing funny or amusing about these jokes unless you're a sick fuck that is....

[Number One]

Damn I am outta bling and well I just can't red you enough.

As for your pathetic excuse for an argument as to why you feel so 'comfortable' about posting this shite on a public forum and how you don't feel insecure and how you do see the funny side...as I said in the last reply to you on another tastless contribution you really must be a sick fuck!

I really do hope you or someone you love are never in the position where you realise just how fucking rank and stupid your argument and 'apparent' defense of this and some of the other jokes you've posted up last night is.

As for saying you wouldn't be a victim for the rest of your life...spoken like a truly fortunate 'non victim'...good for you ya insensitive ass!


Welcome to my ignore list...ooo another thing to congratulate you on...never felt the need to ignore anyone...NOT EVEN DIPSHIT OR KATMAN!

[Taz]

Your last name Fritzl mate?

[Coyote]

Another womans perspective...When was the last time you choked on a clit that was trying to sneak it's way past YOUR tonsils?

Just saying...
I reckon my nose could get broken...

[Jiminy]

Soooooo, where are the jokes?

[gunnyrob]

Oops, wrong thread!

[imdying]

Awesome jokes, more more!