When is it too soon?

[Lonely_wolf]

:Offtopic:

This is kinda one for the girls but a guys point of view would be helpful also. I have posted this question on other sites and also asked all of my friends but us "crazy" speedfreaks seem to think different to "normal" people.

Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

We knew each other for 10 months and have been serious for the latter 8 of those. He became really controlling and wanted to rule my life. He wouldn't even let me talk to other guys in the end! :argh: The day that I left him, he got really violent (I won't go into any details), and I ended up having to get the cops involved.

Now I know someone that I get on really well with, I feel more myself with this guy than anyone I have ever met before. I told this guy not so long ago that I just wanted to have a really good mate and nothing more. Ever since then, he has completely backed off saying that he wanted to wait for things to "cool down" before seeing me again. :(

So, what do I do? Any advice from anyone? :confused:

[vifferman]

Sounds like this other guy is on your "just friends" ladder. Does he know that, or does he think he's on the "guys I could have a relationship with" ladder?
Do you know which ladder he's on?

[chanceyy]

back off & deal with your crap first ....


do you seriously think you have anything to offer a relationship when you have just broken up from another relationship

[Mom]

Your head/heart is clear, you called this relationship over?

You are free to do as you wish.

Mind you, I would not be rushing things if I were you, seems you may have a few power and control issues to get straight in your head so you dont step back into the same situation again.

Take some time to think about what you did not like about what happened and how you reacted to those situations. Maybe think about what in you gave that person the ability to make you feel the way you did. Lots of thinking is my advice.

Dont rush things, a 10 month relationship is not a real test for the long term, you must have felt things not right long before it came crashing down. Think, maybe talk to someone that can help you sort it out in your head.

Apart from that, nothing stopping you going out and having a bit of fun! I dont actually think "morals" enter this equation at all!

[Mom]

Sounds like this other guy is on your "just friends" ladder. Does he know that, or does he think he's on the "guys I could have a relationship with" ladder?
Do you know which ladder he's on?

Have you got the link to the just friends ladder? It is a good thing to read.

[idleidolidyll]

You weren't married, you had no kids (i assume): you have no obligation to the guy so start looking or accepting offers the very next day.

[FJRider]

Or doesn't want any hassle from the "ex"... any "moral " (and I am in NO position to take the high ground here) obligation NOT to date, ended with the good-byes.
Life is short...ENJOY IT...go girl...

[sinfull]

Buy some batteries !
Make him wait a bit longer !
Nah just go for it !
No he might think your too easy if ya jump him now !
But someone might snatch him up if ya dont !
Awww hell its far too confusing to even try thinking about before buying the new batteries !

[Owl]

Buy some batteries !
Make him wait a bit longer !
Nah just go for it !
No he might think your too easy if ya jump him now !
But someone might snatch him up if ya dont !
Awww hell its far too confusing to even try thinking about before buying the new batteries !

Who let this guy loose?:lol:

[Conquiztador]

You might just want someone who keeps your bed warm.
You might just need someone who shows you that you are still desirable for the opposite sex.
You might just need someone to talk to re the crap that went down.

If any of those are correct, then if he is not part of your future, it does not matter. Use him and then when your head is straight find the real one.
Said that, he might not deserve that treatment...
But if he is the one and your head is not screwed on then you most probably blow it.

Take time out. Focus on stuff you always wanted to do where a partner can be a hinderance.

What is the time it takes to get your head sorted? Anything from a day to 5 years.

EDIT: Had a look at your profile. You ar 19yo. Take a week and jump back in.

Good Luck.

[icekiwi]

A guys point of view....
Go for it...as you know all guys only have one thing on their minds, oops two things forgot the sex.
Just sorting the shit after my marriage bustup (no2 phew) and although its nice to go out with a lady its only for a goodtime not a longtime if you know what i mean,but who knows who you might meet up with...Nothing ventured nothing gained...
Your situation.. the guy backs off because he wants the whole nine yards by the looks of it...if your ready for that go for it, if not stay well clear and save yourself some more heartache...

[icekiwi]

BTW i'm free tonight....lol

[mstriumph]

...............Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

..... He became really controlling and wanted to rule my life. .................

Now I know someone that I get on really well with, I....... ........
So, what do I do? Any advice from anyone? :confused:

sheesh
on the one hand you say you left the first guy because he told you what to do all the time
on the OTHER hand you are now asking all and sundry what you should do about the new man in your life

i mean ----- don't you think that you should make up your OWN mind? :yes:

[scracha]

Try some girl on girl action first. I want full details.

[Lonely_wolf]

Have you got the link to the just friends ladder? It is a good thing to read.
''
No, I don't have that link. Sounds interesting though




If any of those are correct, then if he is not part of your future, it does not matter. Use him and then when your head is straight find the real one.
Said that, he might not deserve that treatment...
But if he is the one and your head is not screwed on then you most probably blow it.

EDIT: Had a look at your profile. You ar 19yo. Take a week and jump back in.

Good Luck.

No, he definately does not deserve that treatment. Thanks for the advice, it's been two weeks so that would make me a week too slow?


A guys point of view....
Go for it...as you know all guys only have one thing on their minds, oops two things forgot the sex.
Just sorting the shit after my marriage bustup (no2 phew) and although its nice to go out with a lady its only for a goodtime not a longtime if you know what i mean,but who knows who you might meet up with...Nothing ventured nothing gained...
Your situation.. the guy backs off because he wants the whole nine yards by the looks of it...if your ready for that go for it, if not stay well clear and save yourself some more heartache...

Lol, that sounds sad! I know what you mean, my relationships seems to start that way and then I get too involved :( . It would just be really nice to know what it is that he wants from this...

[Owl]

Well as a conservative safety conscious biker, I have only one thing to say. Condoms!!!:yes:

[Lonely_wolf]

sheesh
on the one hand you say you left the first guy because he told you what to do all the time
on the OTHER hand you are now asking all and sundry what you should do about the new man in your life

i mean ----- don't you think that you should make up your OWN mind? :yes:

That is very true! It is just so hard to know what guys are thinking sometimes, an extra couple of opinions can be helpful...


Try some girl on girl action first. I want full details.

Lol, know of anyone down my way?

[Mom]

Lol, that sounds sad! I know what you mean, my relationships seems to start that way and then I get too involved :( . It would just be really nice to know what it is that he wants from this...

Sweetheart you are young! You have a heap of life experience to gain knowledge from. You are too young for relationships! What the hell is wrong with bf/gf bonk yourselves silly saturday nights while under the influence of a couple of drinks. You are far too young to be talking relationships! You need to get happy in your own shoes girl!

Last post for me on this subject, I am going to go talk "bikes"

[mstriumph]

That is very true! It is just so hard to know what guys are thinking sometimes, an extra couple of opinions can be helpful...



..........

i think my point is who CARES what a bunch of miscellanious people in cyberspace think?

it's YOUR life

LIVE IT!! :yes:

[Lonely_wolf]

If I was you, I wouldn't go for the other new guy but try and work things out with your ex, you both know each other if you have been together for that long and surely you can work it out to make it the way it was.
I mean 10 months is a long time end a relationship with someone you were serious about.
People make mistakes all the time and if he is willing to try and make things right I say give him a chance.


I don't want to give things another try with this guy, things are well and truly over for me. I don't feel anything for him anymore.

[jrandom]

www.laddertheory.com

Read it.

Be enlightened.

Why do teenagers always think the world's ending and high-level philosophical input is required when their silly little relationships fail?

Edit: Come to think of it, that applies to people of all ages.

Top tip, Lonely_wolf: Just go shag someone new already. You'll feel heaps better.

[325rocket]

if he got violent, the day after you booted him out is fine.

[Sanx]

Why do teenagers always think the world's ending and high-level philosophical input is required when their silly little relationships fail?

The world only ends if you're the one who gets dumped. But high-level philosophical input is required to ensure that you're not doing something f'ing stupid. Of course, you're going to ignore all the advice anyway and do something that really isn't a good idea, but that's what experience is built by.

[justsomeguy]

i think my point is who CARES what a bunch of miscellanious people in cyberspace think?

it's YOUR life

LIVE IT!! :yes:


.....and that ladies, gentleman and things is the truth. Well said wise lady.:niceone:

[jrandom]

The world only ends if you're the one who gets dumped. But high-level philosophical input is required to ensure that you're not doing something f'ing stupid.

In my experience, the f'ing stupid part was usually getting involved with the dumper or dumpee in the first place.

:laugh:

[scracha]

Lol, know of anyone down my way?

Lets hold that thought.

.
.
.
.
.

.

And like crashing a bike...it never happened if there aint no photos.

[jrandom]

i think my point is who CARES what a bunch of miscellanious people in cyberspace think?

You forget that most of us miscellaneous cyberpeople are boys, and that Miss Lonely_wolf is now available.

I bet she cares plenty.

;)

[Sanx]

In my experience, the f'ing stupid part was usually getting involved with the dumper or dumpee in the first place.

Hence my comment about ignoring all the advice anyway.

Lonely_Wolf ... it doesn't matter what you do, provided whatever it is is aimed at ensuring you end up happy and content. And you're really the only one who can judge that.

[Sanx]

But how does your ex feel? If he is saying he's sorry and wants to make things right then give him a chance. I wouldn't let 10 months go cause things went bad at the end, think why they went bad? How much did you help to make things go bad? I am sure its not all one sided.

Hmmm - zero posts and joined today. Also in Dunedin. Anyone know this person, or is it the ex indulging in some subterfuge?

[sinfull]

Well as a conservative safety conscious biker, I have only one thing to say. Condoms!!!:yes:
You must spread more rep around before giving it to ferris again !


Just go shag someone new already. You'll feel heaps better.
http://www.isplc2006.org/b2b/pics/1_5V_Heavy_Duty_D_Battery.jpg

[hayd3n]

Hmmm - zero posts and joined today. Also in Dunedin. Anyone know this person, or is it the ex indulging in some subterfuge?

hehe probably

[avgas]

Sleep with him and find out.
If he is too emotional afterwards when you say "that was fun....but..." then you don't want him anywho.

[fatzx10r]

Na, I say take the time to sort yourself out first and hopefully your ex. You might find he has either been trying to change his ways or is the same. If he has, let him prove it to you first before you decide what to do next. You might find that spark you and him had when you first started seeing each other. I remember the good times, not the bad. Its so much easier to do. And surely after 10 months you too must have some good memories together to become serious with each other?

WTF. why don't you just go and hook up with her ex if you that keen. or are you the same person???

[hayd3n]

You really think people are going to believe you aren't him?
All what happened, do you know what happened?
Just becasue you clicked female on a internet website sign up doesnt mean you are (plenty of people have got into trouble with that silly assumption!)

++ true dat

[mstriumph]

You forget that most of us miscellaneous cyberpeople are boys, and that Miss Lonely_wolf is now available.

I bet she cares plenty.

;)

silly me :slap:

[SixPackBack]

Obvious 'shooter' is the BF.
Dude stop hassling the girl and FUCK OFF, you bashed her and lost out:2guns:

[Lonely_wolf]

You really think people are going to believe you aren't him?
All what happened, do you know what happened?
Just becasue you clicked female on a internet website sign up doesnt mean you are (plenty of people have got into trouble with that silly assumption!)

Thankyou for your input. He has already done the whole subterfuge thing. You might remember Dragon_ninja and Bouncer_man? Both him. And this one sounds exactly the same.....

[Trudes]

Short answer, move on when it feels right to you and let this guy know that your feelings for him have changed.

[hayd3n]

No I am not a male, not last time I looked or her ex and as it is, I have a guy, He's not the one that I let get away thou, but eh, he will do for now. lol at least till my ex becomes free again :whistle: Cause he was dam good to me but I never noticed till after I ended it with him and now I kick myself for it :oi-grr:

apologises for assumption

[hayd3n]

You say you too have been serious for the latter 8 months of your relationship, Why would you want to talk to other guys for?

why cant she?????
we are all human and some of us can keep it in our pants

[Owl]

Last time I checked repeating something over and over doesn't make it corrent

Sort of like "Sorry, I didn't mean to bash you"!

[Lonely_wolf]

why cant she?????
we are all human and some of us can keep it in our pants


God forbid you could actually be friends with a guy without fucking them hey? Most my friends are boys does that make me love my guy any less? Hell no!
What deluded world do you live in?

Thank you so much for your opinions. The ex just did not realize that I Am a tom boy and i DO get on better with males than I do with females

[Mutley]

:Offtopic:

This is kinda one for the girls but a guys point of view would be helpful also. I have posted this question on other sites and also asked all of my friends but us "crazy" speedfreaks seem to think different to "normal" people.

Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

We knew each other for 10 months and have been serious for the latter 8 of those. He became really controlling and wanted to rule my life. He wouldn't even let me talk to other guys in the end! :argh: The day that I left him, he got really violent (I won't go into any details), and I ended up having to get the cops involved.

Now I know someone that I get on really well with, I feel more myself with this guy than anyone I have ever met before. I told this guy not so long ago that I just wanted to have a really good mate and nothing more. Ever since then, he has completely backed off saying that he wanted to wait for things to "cool down" before seeing me again. :(

So, what do I do? Any advice from anyone? :confused:

Sounds like you may have a really good friendship with this new guy and it would be a shame to jeopardise it by coming on too strong. Give yourself time to adjust to being independent again. It may take a while.


......

Violence is NEVER ok, I am rather disgusted you seem to think this is justified...you seem awful keen for them to get back together when you dont know the situation (or do you?)

Agree. Violence is never ok.


I just know what it feels like to be with someone and then it goes to custard and you look back and go "shit I was at fault too" And then later on you see then down the street with someone new and you see how happy they are together and you think that could've been me and when you talk to him, you see how much he has actually changed. And then you know in yourself that he was the one for you, I know I can never get that guy back again and its my loss :crybaby:

Thats life.
There are always two in a relationship, so there are always faults on both sides. However violence and controlling behaviour in a relationship is unhealthy and not ok. This type of behaviour is usually not a one off and is quite often repeated in a relationship no matter how genuine or remorseful the offending party is.

[SixPackBack]

wow you two are so far off the mark. I repeat again..... I AM NOT THE EX OR THE BF, but reading what she has said I am only putting my personal input out there like everyone else and giving my free advice. Just from my life lessons.
She can take them if she wants to or not.

I call bullshit. Your interest in lonely wolf is a lot more than personal input.

[Mom]

I don't want to give things another try with this guy, things are well and truly over for me. I don't feel anything for him anymore.


But how does your ex feel? If he is saying he's sorry and wants to make things right then give him a chance. I wouldn't let 10 months go cause things went bad at the end, think why they went bad? How much did you help to make things go bad? I am sure its not all one sided.

Seriously girls! This is a biker forum, you are talking heartache and angst, relationships and hurt feelings. Please take this waaaay off the forum. I am sure there is a really cool place to talk complete tripe, but this is not the place.

People are going to start taking the piss if you dont :yes: It may even have happened already!

[peasea]

:Offtopic:



Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

:

In five minutes. When it's over, it's over.

[Number One]

Thankyou for your input. He has already done the whole subterfuge thing. You might remember Dragon_ninja and Bouncer_man? Both him. And this one sounds exactly the same.....
That Bouncer man profile was a bit scary...like he was looking at me in my house and could tell I was wearing trackpants?!!!!


Moral my arse - agree with Mom - you 19 enjoy life on your own for a while. That way you'll figure out how to avoid jumping from the frying pan into the fire.... :sunny:

Also jrandom has a point - sometimes a good shag is all ya need to put ya right too.

BUT AGAIN - avoid a relationship until you settled in your own skin

[mstriumph]

..........

People are going to start taking the piss if you dont :yes: It may even have happened already!

:rolleyes::o

[mstriumph]

It level of violence varies, and depending on if he hit her or what happened is her knowledge. No its not ok to hit woman, NEVER and that goews for hitting a guy too!
And she says he was controlling, how was he? We don't know but we can only offer some advice and have our own reasons to say something and its her choice if she wants to read or listen to any of it.

ok
for the slow learners among us, i'll type this slowly .... one more time


who cares? read her lips .... SHE.DOESN'T.CARE.ANYTHING.FOR.HIM.ANYMORE ........

[Owl]

Oppps ..........

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to sinfull again.:clap:

[Mom]

[for pity's sake put this in PD Mods - i'm getting nastier than i thought possible - sheesh, she's annoying me ..................]

oooooooMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......
ooooooooMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......
ooooooooMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......

Anytime now I am sure ;)

[Lonely_wolf]

[for pity's sake put this in PD Mods - i'm getting nastier than i thought possible - sheesh, she's annoying me ..................]

If this thread is annoying you, why do you keep coming back for more?

[Virago]

The Mods are watching closely.

Unfortunately, dealing with psychopathic stalkers has been a full-time job lately...

[chanceyy]

hmm yes the Mods are watching ...... :crazy:


just make sure you do not delude yourself that friendship with someone is something more than just that .. along with my earlier post you have come out of an abusive relationship do not go looking for the rebound one .. get out meet a ton of ppl have the occassional bonk if thats wot you want

but sort out in your head the baggage first ..

[Owl]

Well hopefully there are none of them on here.

Mods or stalkers? I'd say yes to both!:Oops:

[Lonely_wolf]

Well to have a really rough summary...

I need to sort out my baggage/head crap
I need to go out and have a good bonk
I should go out and live life how teenagers should
Oh, and I should have some girl on girl action before I get back with another guy.....

I think that is all

[Her_C4]

Well to have a really rough summary...

I need to sort out my baggage/head crap
I need to go out and have a good bonk
I should go out and live life how teenagers should
Oh, and I should have some girl on girl action before I get back with another guy.....

I think that is all

:niceone: and don't forget to have fun while you are doing it....:msn-wink:

[sinfull]

Be sure to let us know if he/she shooters turns out to be the ex wont ya Lonley_wolf lol
He wont be able to help but shot himself there !
I'd put odds on the fact she be he !
Awww and +1 with the girl on girl action !!!
I knew i was a lesbian since the first g/g movie i saw ! I mean, them girls weren't doing nothing i wouldn't !

Runs off and jumps the Mrs !

[Lonely_wolf]

Be sure to let us know if he/she shooters turns out to be the ex wont ya Lonley_wolf lol
He wont be able to help but shot himself there !
I'd put odds on the fact she be he !
Awww and +1 with the girl on girl action !!!
I knew i was a lesbian since the first g/g movie i saw ! I mean, them girls weren't doing nothing i wouldn't !

Runs off and jumps the Mrs !

Thanks bud, will do. He/She definately sounds like the ex aye, I don't care what he/she says.
Lol, you got some good humor on you!

[hayd3n]

get a bike and go and spend some time with that!!!!

[jrandom]

IMHO, what we really need before this discussion can progress properly is photographs of Lonely_wolf.

Preferably in a bikini.

On a bike.

Oh, and Lonely_wolf - stop being such a limpdick (figuratively speaking) about all this shit. Just get on with your life. Plenty of cocks and wallets out there; sounds like you just picked a bad pair to start with.

iTW8oUV8Aq0

[Dave-]

7 pages in 4 hours?

not bad.

date when you feel comfortable, fuck the ex, its his problem.

as for the ladder theory you do all realise its a joke right?

[Trudes]

I was thinking more in this direction.....:lol:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/64a_1fWTsls&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/64a_1fWTsls&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

[jrandom]

as for the ladder theory you do all realise its a joke right?

Fuck off, it's deadly serious and 100% accurate.

[Lonely_wolf]

IMHO, what we really need before this discussion can progress properly is photographs of Lonely_wolf.

Preferably in a bikini.

On a bike.

Oh, and Lonely_wolf - stop being such a limpdick (figuratively speaking) about all this shit. Just get on with your life. Plenty of cocks and wallets out there; sounds like you just picked a bad pair to start with.

Lol, you seem to have forgotten that there is already a guy that I have set my sights on.
Yes, you are tight about the last part, I seem to be good at choosing the bad ones :(

[chanceyy]

there is already a guy that I have set my sights on.


and you wonder why he has backed off ??

[Sanx]

fuck the ex

I think our little wolf may be trying to avoid that.

[candor]

You have been in a domesticly violent relationship - the emotional side is often the most damaging and you seem unaware of how this might mean a need for recovery time or looking at your blind spots - like how you clicked with a bad egg. Who still seems to seek unwanted contact. Pulling back at 19 to see why you had a big V (victim) sign flashing on your forehead at 19 could save a lot of future mistakes.

Violence plus cyberstalking to manipulate the prey :shit:- if the IP numbers track back to Mr X a Judge could well grant you a non molestation order to keep the obsessor away . Controlling plus violent equals serious risk not "flattery" or just nuisance value.

The saddest website to my knowledge was this one by a dom violence survivor made before she was horribly stalked to her death - it is not a remote scenario... someone has to make up the everyday headlines
http://www.angelfire.com/nj3/stoptheviolence/index.html

Homicides start out with unconscious bad choices of sexual partners. I'd suggest counselling with a qualified dom violence person or at least time out awhile. Maybe read Lundy Bancroft or check out some of the support sites for people ex abusive relationships - and if you do, keep the support anonymous and online only as predators use victim support sites as hunting grounds for "their type".

If the ex is reading here - there are places you can get help - with moving on / letting go, or if wanted with the abusive tendencies. The evidence they're there in you is strong based on the final physical violence that's alleged.
Not letting people decide their own view of events, trying to control their social life, trying to direct their thoughts repeatedly in one particular direction (as ?done on this thread while ignoring their expressed feelings) is uncool to max as well as behaviour unlikely to ever get you a satis relationship for you or a partner in future.

[Gremlin]

alright, I read 60 posts, cbf reading the rest, I'll just chip in... if its been said... oh well, repeating things can help :yes:

1, you certainly sound mature for being 19
2, shooter's identity is in doubt, regardless, having known a friend who was in an abusive relationship, do not go back. Guys like those will tell you they will change, but normally, do not, or, not permanently. Perhaps things change for a month or two. You should never accept violence, make it a deal breaker.

Now, we all know that females are way more complex than males... so bear in mind this comes from a guy... I like honesty, and being truthful... why not just talk to the other guy you mentioned, if you are interested... saves a lot of effort and game playing, which the other side may not even have any clue of (this is personal experience... apparently I am completely blind to these fucken "signals").

Female side, things like, bounce back relationship and your emotional/mental state may be factors... Perhaps I generalise, but guys normally forget things quickly, move on. What you don't want is bring your bad experiences into a brand new relationship, and ruining it.

That said, everybody is unique, you know yourself best, just do what you think is right. Its your life, so live it your way. :2thumbsup

[sinfull]

as for the ladder theory you do all realise its a joke right?


Fuck off, it's deadly serious and 100% accurate.

Read the Ladder theory a few years back and like JR says, It's fockin dead on the button !
Seen it a dozen times with mates over the years and "so called" mates, who tried swinging from one ladder to the other, when my ex and i looked to be in trouble !
Fools are still lost to the abissssss !

[alanzs]

You have been in a domesticly violent relationship - the emotional side is often the most damaging and you seem unaware of how this might mean a need for recovery time or looking at your blind spots - like how you clicked with a bad egg. Who still seems to seek unwanted contact. Pulling back at 19 to see why you had a big V (victim) sign flashing on your forehead at 19 could save a lot of future mistakes.

Violence plus cyberstalking to manipulate the prey :shit:- if the IP numbers track back to Mr X a Judge could well grant you a non molestation order to keep the obsessor away . Controlling plus violent equals serious risk not "flattery" or just nuisance value.

The saddest website to my knowledge was this one by a dom violence survivor made before she was horribly stalked to her death - it is not a remote scenario... someone has to make up the everyday headlines
http://www.angelfire.com/nj3/stoptheviolence/index.html

Homicides start out with unconscious bad choices of sexual partners. I'd suggest counselling with a qualified dom violence person or at least time out awhile. Maybe read Lundy Bancroft or check out some of the support sites for people ex abusive relationships - and if you do, keep the support anonymous and online only as predators use victim support sites as hunting grounds for "their type".

If the ex is reading here - there are places you can get help - with moving on / letting go, or if wanted with the abusive tendencies. The evidence they're there in you is strong based on the final physical violence that's alleged.
Not letting people decide their own view of events, trying to control their social life, trying to direct their thoughts repeatedly in one particular direction (as ?done on this thread while ignoring their expressed feelings) is uncool to max as well as behaviour unlikely to ever get you a satis relationship for you or a partner in future.

EXCELLENT ADVICE - READ THIS AGAIN, AND AGAIN. DO SOMETHING TO FIX YOU, OR YOU WILL REPEAT THE SAME BEHAVIOUR OVER AND OVER AGAIN! :soon:

[jrandom]

Homicides start out with unconscious bad choices of sexual partners.

+1.

I won't YELL my response like alanzs just did, but this is very, very true.

Far too many women are completely limp and naive about this stuff, and wander through life letting complete arseholes make use of them because they don't realise that things can and should be better than that.

Hopefully Lonely_wolf will wise up and grow up in short order (without turning into a crass, up-herself bitch, which seems to be what happens when women over-react and err in the other direction).

[rachprice]

Ineresting our friend shooters has disappeared into thin air

[Cajun]

Ineresting our friend shooters has disappeared into thin air

and i don't think they be back until they create another account. But they not as smart as they think they are

[fatzx10r]

Ineresting our friend shooters has disappeared into thin air

LOL, she or he is taking up the last 4 or so pages in pd

[Swoop]

I thought the Olympics had taken care of Coronation St.:rolleyes:

[alanzs]

+1.

I won't YELL my response like alanzs just did, but this is very, very true.

Far too many women are completely limp and naive about this stuff, and wander through life letting complete arseholes make use of them because they don't realise that things can and should be better than that.

Hopefully Lonely_wolf will wise up and grow up in short order (without turning into a crass, up-herself bitch, which seems to be what happens when women over-react and err in the other direction).

"Self care" is a thought that comes to mind. First, take care of yourself Lonely. Even in airplanes they say how if there is a problem and you need the oxygen mask, put it on yourself first, then help those near you.

Its a long process that you'll work your whole life in doing. Its called growing and reaching your full potential. Its very cool, its what makes life so awesome. We aren't programmed for one thing, we have free will and can choose to change our selves and make ourselves whatever we want. Slowly, generally prompted by pain, change can occur. Now you know this. The rest is up to you.
Carry on.... :grouphug:

[Lonely_wolf]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening.

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental). I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It is something that I do need to sort out for myself and it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open. No relationship is whole without trust, friendship or more.

[alanzs]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening.

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental). I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It is something that I do need to sort out for myself and it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open. No relationship is whole without trust, friendship or more.

It's because you are aware of yourself, you should consider getting some professional assistance, so that the unspeakable stuff that happened to you doesn't keep you leading a health full life. As you untangle the damage which has plagued you, you will keep from acting in the same way, again and again and again. If you don't do something to change you, nothing changes, in you.

You'll probably find out that the unspeakable stuff that has happened to you, has happened to many people and that with the proper assistance, you CAN go on to live a great life, free of the torments of your past.

I know about this, I truly do. :yes:

[Lonely_wolf]

I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

[mstriumph]

and i don't think they be back until they create another account. But they not as smart as they think they are

good move - well done, Mods!

[mstriumph]

LOL, she or he is taking up the last 4 or so pages in pd

unfortunately, some of MY profound utterings have disappeared with it .... should i be crushed? :yawn:

[MyGSXF]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening. I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental).

I would SERIOUSLY suggest you pay a visit to "SVS" (Stopping Violence Services). They run a VERY good Women's Education Course, which will provide you with life changing information!!!!!!! Nothing will change in your relationships until you change your own beliefs/thoughts/behaviour patterns.



I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

You are entitled to change your councilor at any stage! You are not obliged to stick with the same one if you feel it is not working for you. SVS will also offer you 10 free sessions for free!! Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom & lay all your demons on the table, DEAL with them & HEAL them, before you can move forwards! :yes:

Rebounds do not work! & another partner cannot "heal" you. Only YOU can do that!

[rottiguy]

Morels are 100% subjective so just go with what you feel is right, if you "like" this other guy just tell him you have some shit to deal with first and then you can get on with getting on with it


:Offtopic:

This is kinda one for the girls but a guys point of view would be helpful also. I have posted this question on other sites and also asked all of my friends but us "crazy" speedfreaks seem to think different to "normal" people.

Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

We knew each other for 10 months and have been serious for the latter 8 of those. He became really controlling and wanted to rule my life. He wouldn't even let me talk to other guys in the end! :argh: The day that I left him, he got really violent (I won't go into any details), and I ended up having to get the cops involved.

Now I know someone that I get on really well with, I feel more myself with this guy than anyone I have ever met before. I told this guy not so long ago that I just wanted to have a really good mate and nothing more. Ever since then, he has completely backed off saying that he wanted to wait for things to "cool down" before seeing me again. :(

So, what do I do? Any advice from anyone? :confused:

[idleidolidyll]

When is it too soon

thinking about this question a little more i'd have to say this:

bugger morals! go out and shag some lucky guy and get the ex out of your system

don't swap names or numbers at all and never see him again

you'll be a legend forever

[Number One]

unfortunately, some of MY profound utterings have disappeared with it .... should i be crushed? :yawn:
Never fear many of us DID get to enjoy them :sunny: :laugh:

[alanzs]

I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

There is no quick fix to problems that took years to develop. The good thing is that you are aware that you aren't who you want to be. Knowing there is a problem is a big step in taking care of it.

Kinda like a person that is really overweight. It didn't happen overnight and the changes won't either. But, with courage and a lot of determination, you can change.

If you took your bike to a mechanic and they didn't fix it to your specifications, you'd take it to another mechanic, true? Same with getting help for your emotions. Keep looking.

I have a coffee mug that has a great quote on it. Its from the Iron Butt competition, where you ride across the US (or other loong, loong distances) as fast as you can. It says "Never say die."

As you can see, I'm a bit of an optimist. Try it, you may like it. :done:

:eek:

[Jorja]

If you have to ask if it is too soon, it possibly is. Only you can answer that question.

If you are worried about what other people might think, don't.

The only advice I will give is when you have been in a relationship like you described, sometime it is easy to expect the new person in your life to react or treat you the same way. We become programmed to expect certain behaviour. Be patient, get to know him well first and deal with any left over effects from the last relationship first.

[jrandom]

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past...

Ahhh. All becomes clear.

Girls with histories like yours should come with a full disclosure and a warning notice in bold letters, not to mention an entrance examination for any guy who's interested in you.

No disrespect intended. It's the truth.

Also - it's not unspeakable. Treating it as such is part of the problem. Childhood sexual abuse is horribly common and horribly under-reported.


I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It's not your fault, m'dear. You're choosing the wrong guys - there's a particular sort of male out there who's good at pushing buttons that you shouldn't have, but do.

I think perhaps the soundest advice might be to ask yourself why you feel you need them at all. Self-sufficiency in life, both materially and emotionally, is a vital skill.

I fully retract my earlier remarks about just gettin' out there and havin' a shag. Dreadful advice in your case.


it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open.

Bang on.

Also, re. counselling, I've seen it do great good, and I've seen it achieve nothing.

The difference is, as far as I've been able to tell, in the attitude of the victim. All 'counselling' or any other type of psych therapy is is a framework and an enabler for you to heal yourself in. (Not to mention that some counsellors are just downright useless, and it can take a while to find the right one to work with.)

If it's not time for that to happen yet, then maybe it's just not time. Maybe you need to grow a bit older first, who knows.

But, frankly, I have difficulty with the idea that you'll get any good out of being involved in sexual relationships with men at this stage in your life. Forgive me if that sounds judgmental. I don't know you; I'm only speaking from my own experience.

But all this 'new guy, old guy' stuff sounds to me like a complete red herring. I don't think you're likely to find anything positive with any of them. And I would seriously question the quality of your judgment in regards to whomever you're thinking of moving on to and your reasons for wanting him.

Solitude does not have to mean loneliness. Give it a try for a while. Focus on yourself.