Fatt Max
3rd December 2008, 06:11
Oh cor blimey, it’s been a memorable 24 hours.
Yesterday I had my encounter with Sum Long Poo, the oriental hat crapper, and this morning….well, read on….
I’ve pulled out if my driveway and am cruising up the hill stopping briefly to wave to the lady walker who I see every morning. I get to the top of the hill, turn right, pop the visor down then….
Fuck me, a wasp the size of a friggen’ seagull is in my lid and going shit stopping mental!! Some of you may remember my post about a similar incident a few weeks ago and may recall that I am shit scared of bees and wasps. Don’t mind admitting it but I would rather have my arse hairs burnt off with a blow torch than stand in a room with one of those buzzy bastards…
So, I pull over and try and get my helmet off. It’s a new lid with one of them fancy snap lock fasteners that I am not quite used to so I am struggling like buggery to get the lid off. I finally pop the visor open and am sure I see the culprit fly away.
I compose myself, put the visor down and…….FFFUUUCCCKKKKK… the c**t has somehow got back in my lid again. I’m shitting houseloads of bricks now because I am sure the little fucker is eyeballing me and getting his arse spear at the ready.
I’m wrestling with the lid strap and as I step backwards I go arse over tit right into someones front garden and end up flat on my back in a rose bush.
So, now I am rolling on the floor with a wasp in my lid, thorns up my arse and a suspicious smell starting to fill my nostrils. I am rolling around shouting and roaring like a demented chimp and when I look up there is the home owner (a lovely old lady) with her dog looking over me saying ‘are you alright dear”
I put 2 and 2 together and realise that I have possibly been rolling in dog shit as well as thorns but put that to one side. I finally get the lid off and Mr Wasp fucks off to annoy someone else. I make my apologies to the lady, refuse a cup of tea and ride into work a bit sore and poo-ey smelling.
I’m at work and sure enough, my jeans have a bit of dog crap on them and a whole heap of thorn holes. No worries though, I have a spare pair in my back pack……
…..only problem is, when I fell flat on my back into the garden, the plastic container with my lunch in it (left over beef stew from last night) has shattered and now I have my spare jeans with lumps of beef, potatoes, carrot and gravy all over them. I sit here writing this in my undies waiting for Farmers to open as I really need new strides.
So there you go, its all getting a bit much lately, eh…….:shit:
Yesterday I had my encounter with Sum Long Poo, the oriental hat crapper, and this morning….well, read on….
I’ve pulled out if my driveway and am cruising up the hill stopping briefly to wave to the lady walker who I see every morning. I get to the top of the hill, turn right, pop the visor down then….
Fuck me, a wasp the size of a friggen’ seagull is in my lid and going shit stopping mental!! Some of you may remember my post about a similar incident a few weeks ago and may recall that I am shit scared of bees and wasps. Don’t mind admitting it but I would rather have my arse hairs burnt off with a blow torch than stand in a room with one of those buzzy bastards…
So, I pull over and try and get my helmet off. It’s a new lid with one of them fancy snap lock fasteners that I am not quite used to so I am struggling like buggery to get the lid off. I finally pop the visor open and am sure I see the culprit fly away.
I compose myself, put the visor down and…….FFFUUUCCCKKKKK… the c**t has somehow got back in my lid again. I’m shitting houseloads of bricks now because I am sure the little fucker is eyeballing me and getting his arse spear at the ready.
I’m wrestling with the lid strap and as I step backwards I go arse over tit right into someones front garden and end up flat on my back in a rose bush.
So, now I am rolling on the floor with a wasp in my lid, thorns up my arse and a suspicious smell starting to fill my nostrils. I am rolling around shouting and roaring like a demented chimp and when I look up there is the home owner (a lovely old lady) with her dog looking over me saying ‘are you alright dear”
I put 2 and 2 together and realise that I have possibly been rolling in dog shit as well as thorns but put that to one side. I finally get the lid off and Mr Wasp fucks off to annoy someone else. I make my apologies to the lady, refuse a cup of tea and ride into work a bit sore and poo-ey smelling.
I’m at work and sure enough, my jeans have a bit of dog crap on them and a whole heap of thorn holes. No worries though, I have a spare pair in my back pack……
…..only problem is, when I fell flat on my back into the garden, the plastic container with my lunch in it (left over beef stew from last night) has shattered and now I have my spare jeans with lumps of beef, potatoes, carrot and gravy all over them. I sit here writing this in my undies waiting for Farmers to open as I really need new strides.
So there you go, its all getting a bit much lately, eh…….:shit: