HELP! Total EVILness(tm) has broken out!

[Swoop]

Take a piece of MDF...

MDF burns easier than timber. I couldn't even get close to it without the wooden stick bursting into flames!

This is the result that greeted me when I had returned from A&E.

Is there no hope?

[oldrider]

MDF burns easier than timber. I couldn't even get close to it without the wooden stick bursting into flames!

This is the result that greeted me when I had returned from A&E.

Is there no hope?

Relax, it's like swimming across a fast river, let the current work for you, not against you!

Women have beauty, whereas "we" have "brains", use God's gifts as he intended!

The art of diplomacy is, "to tell someone where to go and have them looking forward to the trip".

With women just use more subtlety and lavish them with ("temporary") attention and caresses!

If you do your job well, the books will, as if by magic, appear side by side on the table!

conquers everything! It really is a man's world y' know.

[Pedrostt500]

Ok there may be a way, first you need a full chemical and biological suit, though this may not be enough, if you can buy a very long handeled shovel, shovel the highly offensive material into a lead lined box, they have a furnace in france that may be hot enough to burn this material. your second option is to BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN, and claim that the previous owner used it as a P lab, and NEVER never admit to seeing this foul material again.

[klingon]

From the title of the thread I knew there would be something horrible in here - but I couldn't have imagined HOW HORRIBLE!

Here's my suggestion. You will need the cover of a porno mag (preferably with the words "hot" and "horny" somewhere in the title to make it appropriate to the content).

You will also need a can of spray-on adhesive, plenty of beer and a very loud stereo.

Spray the adhesive to the back of the porno mag page. Then, from a safe distance (you may need to use BBQ tongs) place the page carefully on top of the book, sticky side down.

Now let it be known on KB that you have beer at your house and need help drinking it.

You will need to be very observant for the next part: Inevitably, someone will pick up the "porn" at which point you must be ready, with the door open. At the speed of light, shove them out the door, lock it and bar it. Ensure all other windows and doors are also locked and barred. Turn the stereo up so you will not be distressed by the screams of horror when your victim opens the book.

As long as you have plenty of beer, you should be able to stay inside the locked house for long enough for the book to do its work. Eventually you will find a pile of smouldering ashes on your front step. RIP gullible KBer.

[Swoop]

From the title of the thread I knew there would be something horrible in here - but I couldn't have imagined HOW HORRIBLE!

Here's my suggestion...

I like the way you are thinking! Certainly a bit cruel for an innocent KB'er though.

In the meantime, I have surrounded it with appropriate cd's. When it attempts to (hopefully) retreat from them, the cunningly laid trap of a strategically-placed rubbish bin will become its doom! Muahahaha!

[Ixion]

One word. Nukes. Nuthin' says luvin' like plutonium.

[Swoop]

Nukes are definately on the "to do" list.

Today I have attempted a suitable bait...

[vifferman]

Here you go, if go you must.

First, you must only approach the Offensive Object Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned (henceforth called OOWNMNBM) when suitable girded. I suggest you must wear full motorcycle attire, but for visual safety, it must be emblazoned with Moto Labels (anything motorcycle related, the more, the more betterer. About exactly 57 decals, badges and labels or so should do).
So the OOWNMNBM does not smell you, you must annoint yourself with beer, engine oil, Swarfega, chain spooge, road spooge, blood, WD40 and any other manly unguments.

For aural safety, you need some appropriate protection. Wear ear ploogz, and make sure you have a motorcycle soundtrack playing. I suggest some motorcycle-themed music, plus (this is the important part) Moto-GP engine music on one side of the room, and 2-smoke engine music on t'other, both at approximately exactly 11. If the windws and ornaments aren't rattling, turn it up.

For olafactory safety, you must ensure you do not breathe the pestilential air around the OOWNMNBM. Burn an offering to the BikerGodz that is pleasing to their nostrils. This shall consist of one part Castrol R, one part of Pirelli Corsa race rubber, and one part of 100 octane race fuel. Burn this in a suitable receptacle, such as the inverted piston of a Yamondakawazuki 10000RRR.

For visual safety, you must not be able to look directly at the OOWNMNBM. You must approach it backwards, using a cracked motorcycle mirror, with the glass obscured with a smear of used motorcycle engine oil or SnoSeal.

Right. You're nearly there.
Here's the REALLY tricky bit.

As you walk backwards towards the OOWNMNBM, spray Plexus, WD40 or somesuch behind you to form a thick cloud. Advance the cloud towards the OOWNMNBM, until you are within about one metre of it. Using the OOWNMNBM clubbing stick you have previously prepared (wait - did I not mention that? Oh - it's the left fork of an RD350, with leaky seals, a flakey, rusting tube, a dent in the slider, and a broken off axle still bolted on.) Lunge towards the OOWNMNBM, and with a twisting backhanded swat, flick it using the jagged part of the axle, so it neatly sails out the open window.
Yay! YOu may now burn it at your leisure. (But don't forget to deny all knowledge of it's demise, and to clean up all evidence of what happened).

If you are successful, you may now drink a libation to the BikerGodz, in praise of their merciful goodness for helping you secure freedom from the Perils of the OOWNMNBM.

If [...shudder...] you have failed, RUN AWAY!!

[Swoop]

GAH!!!

Girlie reinforcements have obviously been called in by the OOWNMNBM whilst I was distracted. (Dainty packets of snot-rags? who thinks up or purchases this crap??)




A fine suggestion Mr Viff!

[martybabe]

As an amateur sleuth happenstancing upon the scene depicted in that last photo the following deduction can be made... Someone (as yet unidentified) has read the title A twist of the wrist but failed to inspect the subject matter within, leading them to conclude that this book is for quiet gentleman alone time.

As an act of support/love/understanding they have left you a copy of secret women's short stories, believing this to be a better source of material for solo romancing and a lovely pack of tissues for any spillage that may occur. a magnificent selfless gesture, leaving a little something for you to enjoy, much the same as you leaving a little present of Chocolate for them to enjoy.