Birth humour

[Spicer]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that’s her, she wasnt that tall!'

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

[Spicer]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

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Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[miggzy]

Massive mate!!!

[Laxi]

Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"