Should kids have to pay rent or board when living with parents?

[Ratti]

Rule in my house is the day they leave school they pack their stuff. Next day I will drive them and their stuff to the first of their new homes. While in my home I will pay for basic stuff, but if anyone wants extras like cell phone, designer label clothing or other crap then they have to work out how to get it themselves..yes even my 9 y/o daughter.

my older boy was boarding in another town while he finished school, paid for by me. I paid him one extra week to cover his first week of work and he offered to pay me back..bless him he's a great young man. The useless teens on this site could take a lesson from him, he is still only 18, was 17 when he started full time work. He's had time to make a few mistakes, has got his license, and purchased a plain but servicable car, has acquired furniture and is moving into his first solo flat this weekend. None of these things paid for by me.

And he has quietly had a word with me to say that he now sees why I made him learn how to cook, clean and look after himself. Damn I did a good job. I'd encourage other parents to do the same, I was hard on him and Im hard on my two remaining 'home kids' but it pays off for them in the end. I can't stand useless people and it's up to me to make sure mine understand they owe the world for the space they take up.

end of rant

[The Stranger:Me]

Rule in my house is the day they leave school they pack their stuff. Next day I will drive them and their stuff to the first of their new homes. While in my home I will pay for basic stuff, but if anyone wants extras like cell phone, designer label clothing or other crap then they have to work out how to get it themselves..yes even my 9 y/o daughter.

The useless teens on this site could take a lesson from him,

Damn I did a good job.

Hmm, interesting.
I don't see it as important to be hard on your kids per se. Though that is certainly one option.
If your kids appreciate, respect and value a gift (be it life, food a roof etc) and don't take them for granted then surely that is the goal isn't it?
Isn't that what you are trying to teach with your mean spirit?
If they do appreciate those things then why be mean spirited? What will be achieved?

I think some parents go on a power trip and/or simply get off on making their kids life hell.

How do kids that have never been shown compassion learn compassion?
We as humans tend to live in communities, isn't a part of that looking out for those in their community?

Whilst there some useless teens on this site, they are few and far between. Most are pretty damn good.
To be sure, I'm not advocating giving your children everything, and some definitely require a firm hand, but it's not a one size fits all thing.

For the record, self praise is no praise, and the result is not measured at age 18.

[Ocean1]

Isn't that what you are trying to teach with your mean spirit?

I suspect she's more in tune with her times than that.

Can you say TANSTAFL?

[The Stranger:Me]

Can you say TANSTAFL?

This looks like fun.
Can you say YAFIWCTP?

[Hanne]

I think it does depend on the circumstances of the kids and their attitudes towards things.
If working, you should be paying board. Studying can be a bit different though.

My parents encouraged me to stay at home whilst studying because that was the way they could best support me in getting an education.
While it was also useful to have another set of hands to cook, babysit my sisters and drive them to activities etc, they didn't want me to get a massive student loan which would then take years to pay off, when they could feed me for three years and then send me debt-free into the world to make my own way. The part time jobs I had paid for clothes and petrol but I was always told that while at uni the uni work should be my main focus, even at the expense of working more hours.

I now appreciate my parents' foresight in encouraging me to stay home longer, as it puts me in a situation where my first spare $20k can go towards saving for a house, not paying off the loan on living costs for the past 3 years.

And no, I don't think their attitude has left me ill prepared for life.
While studying I have paid for my fees, clothes, bike etc and managed to fund in full the 5 month uni exchange that nearly completed my degree (German Literature).
I certainly don't take my parents' support for granted, and once I have finished summer school will definitely be either paying board or moving out.
Not because this will be demanded of me, but because I think it will be the right thing to do.

It seems that there are many strands to this debate, and as situations are never clear cut there can be no ONE answer-fits-all.

[Cheshire Cat]

You will thank your mum one day,I would rather have you as a daughter than a lot of other girls your age

I already have!

[Cheshire Cat]

I was made to pay board while studying.then i moved out. now im an apprentice(apprentice = clean everything do shit jobs and get paid under minimum wage) and paying board power food bike etc.


BUT! has anyone thought- nature vs nurture???

[huff3r]

I was made to pay board while studying.then i moved out. now im an apprentice(apprentice = clean everything do shit jobs and get paid under minimum wage) and paying board power food bike etc.


BUT! has anyone thought- nature vs nurture???

Yeah, just cos my parents are going easy on me now certainly doesnt mean I'm a bad person from it, or that I'm gonna be a failure! And on the other hand, I'm sure plenty of people who are bought up paying board the whole time don't necessarily become angels either.
Personally i think it's whatever works for the parents, obviously if they are struggling and the kids are old enough then go for it, but if its less of a struggle then why make them pay to live with you, when instead you can just provide the minimums and if they want extra stuff then they can pay for that

[crazyhorse]

Yeah, just cos my parents are going easy on me now certainly doesnt mean I'm a bad person from it, or that I'm gonna be a failure! And on the other hand, I'm sure plenty of people who are bought up paying board the whole time don't necessarily become angels either.
Personally i think it's whatever works for the parents, obviously if they are struggling and the kids are old enough then go for it, but if its less of a struggle then why make them pay to live with you, when instead you can just provide the minimums and if they want extra stuff then they can pay for that

You are correct. It is most definitely up to the individual family to decide, and that is what this poll is about - everyones opinion on what they do or have experienced. Each for their own family. But some of these answers are certainly enlightening, and good advice too

[peasea]

I think it does depend on the circumstances of the kids and their attitudes towards things.

Yes, but surely their attitude toward things (and people) are shaped at an early age (pre-school I believe) by the parents? If you work hard in the early years the rest is not only easier it is more pleasureable. If you have kids with bad attitudes at teenage level then you've created a rod for your own back; not only have you shat on your own head, you've shat on your kids too. Try changing a teenagers attitude. There are expensive programs set up to 'save' what are termed 'at-risk' teenagers but precious little is done to help or train parents in the art of toddler management, which is abosultely vital.

[Mully]

Yes, but surely their attitude toward things (and people) are shaped at an early age (pre-school I believe) by the parents? If you work hard in the early years the rest is not only easier it is more pleasureable. If you have kids with bad attitudes at teenage level then you've created a rod for your own back; not only have you shat on your own head, you've shat on your kids too. Try changing a teenagers attitude. There are expensive programs set up to 'save' what are termed 'at-risk' teenagers but precious little is done to help or train parents in the art of toddler management, which is abosultely vital.

"You must spread some rep....

superb post.

[The Stranger:Me]

BUT! has anyone thought- nature vs nurture???

My mummy always told me her mummy told her that a child's character is set in the first 3 years.
My mummy was adamant that this is the case.
We took specific note of this and worked hard to give our kids a lot of experiences and love in the first 3 years in particular.
In the case of our kids this has proved a very reliable indicator of character and in fact much of their character now could be seen significantly earlier than 3.
I also note that research released as a result of the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study also supports this 3yr position.

Again from the Dunedin study (which followed 1,000 people from birth for 38yrs now) research indicates that there is genetic predisposition for many character traits. Personally, I believe character is as much nature as it is nurture, AND that the nurture part is mostly set far earlier than many would think.

[peasea]

I also note that research released as a result of the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study also supports this 3yr position.

Again from the Dunedin study (which followed 1,000 people from birth for 38yrs now) research indicates that there is genetic predisposition for many character traits. Personally, I believe character is as much nature as it is nurture, AND that the nurture part is mostly set far earlier than many would think.

Agreed, and yet society seems to 'miss the boat' by a wide margin. Time and time again parents think that schooling starts at school. Bollocks. Worse, it would appear that the 'system' thinks so too. My kids were ahead of many of their peers when they started school (reading and writing, puttting two and two together etc) and found the work/homework easy. There were some parents I spoke to (I was a house hubby for a while, great time) who shared the same views but as many, if not more, thought that teaching was all down to teachers.

When it comes to character; there is much to said for (or against) genetics and the basic makeup of the person, but if a child has a disposition toward certain traits I also believe that early childhood (pre-school) education can weed out the worst (through simple observation) for individual attention. This is better for the individual and also for the class as a whole when Year One begins, as well as being a major plus for society in general during the coming years.

I do think things are getting better(the 'Can't Read, Can't Write but Brite' program is one example) but it is painfully slow, with progress often impeded by the parents themselves as they focus on their own wants and needs instead of facing up to their responsibilities, both to their children and their neighbours. (Lazy bastards, if you like.) In my experience laziness towards children's needs, generally speaking, tends to be less of an issue in households where the parents themselves are better (if only slightly) educated but I don't just mean in academic terms. I didn't do particularly well in the 3rd, 4th and 5th Forms but I have learnt much about children from older family members and to a large degree by reading and watching. I know of parents who also haven't done well at school, don't earn big money but have made great parents through hard work, determination and, for want of a better word, love. (Perhaps the first two come from the third?)

Parents need to take an interest in the beings they create, from day one, not Year One.

[Hanne]

Yes, but surely their attitude toward things (and people) are shaped at an early age (pre-school I believe) by the parents? If you work hard in the early years the rest is not only easier it is more pleasureable. If you have kids with bad attitudes at teenage level then you've created a rod for your own back; not only have you shat on your own head, you've shat on your kids too. Try changing a teenagers attitude. There are expensive programs set up to 'save' what are termed 'at-risk' teenagers but precious little is done to help or train parents in the art of toddler management, which is abosultely vital.

Totally agree with you there re the importance of pre schoolers and and shaping of attitudes.
But where does this put the paying rent thing?
If behaviour is set because of stuff that happened 14 or 15 years ago, does this mean the kids will either pay rent automatically out of a sense of duty or be no hopers forever?

[Thani-B]

lucky for some!! a hard life is character building.

"do not handicap your children by making the lives easy" I think my mum takes that too seriously LOL

We all have our own definitions of a hard life, and none of us can know what sort of life the other has lived/is living.

Some are speaking like those of us who still live at home sit around all day and are just a hinderance for our parents. Circumstances are different for each family, but as well as paying board, I do my share of the chores, and I like the fact that me doing a bit around the house means my mum can have more time to relax. Just because we still live at home does not mean we are not ready for the big wide world. We just have another option, and while we are still young and learning things, its the best for some of us.