Katiepie graduates

[brumax]

Hey Katiepie, great reading your blog and progress.
I am really glad to see you are getting sleep and some mobility,
something we will all take for granted,
I went to a Rally in England last weekend, met up with Woodybee and a mate of hers, who has also stayed in NZ, so the talk is, when will we all come back,
i hope it is soon and you are riding, and we can have a tour together,
Big HUGS from sunny scotland xx

[Hinny]

I went to a Rally in England last weekend, met up with Woodybee and a mate of hers, who has also stayed in NZ, so the talk is, when will we all come back,
i

And what were the answers?

[sels1]

I went to a Rally in England last weekend, met up with Woodybee

Thats where most of us meet Woodybee....(at a rally)

[Gone Burger]

I have been sitting here tonight, trying to snap out of it. I have been trying to compose myself and move forward. I have been trying get back to how I am so good at being - positive and bubbly, and nothing is a problem.

But tonight, I am failing. I am unsure why this is. I am confused as to how this came about. The tears are flowing for only the second time for reasons of the accident, and it seems they are not going to stop anytime soon.

Why can't I fight this? This is so out of character for me, and it makes me more upset when I realise that I have no control over it at this particular moment.

I had an interesting weekend, and it seems that this new low may be an after effect from it. I got some bad news by accident on Saturday. I brushed it off, said it wasn't important. I knew I felt so heavy about it, but managed to push it aside. Then I got some great news through by email. This was the lift I was hoping for. All of a sudden the bad news wasn't even slightly an issue. My mind quickly changed this. I soon found out a dear friend of mine had been trying to organise my "good news" as a surprise for me. All of a sudden I now felt that I hadn't achieved this result on my own, that someone had taken that one small victory from me that was mine. I unkindly address my friend, who has a heart of gold and been there for the whole journey, and he is now deeply hurt. Then I allowed the bad news to sink in and it all got to me. The tears began to arrive, and heavily. I couldn't think about any of the positives any more. All I could see in front of me was all that had gone in the wrong direction. And as a result of my lack of control of my thoughts, I hurt a friend in the process. I went out for a night out in town on my own, to catch up with some buddies. Had a great night, and pushed everything else aside. I got home, and I was back to square one. On my own, with my negative thoughts, with wet cheeks.

Tonight I feel like I am back there again. Some great news is on the "halo"countdown. So far it's 9 Weeks down, only 4 to go. 63 days completed, only 28 to go. Not long now. But I feel this may be part of my problem. Out of the blue, and for the very first time I now feel terrified about all that is about to happen. I am so incredibly nervous about getting the halo off. About not being able to hold my own head up properly. I am nervous about not gaining the Independence I have the thought of at the back of my mine. I am worried about how the hell I get a job, in a completely new industry after 10 years. I worry sick about ACC not covering me when I can finally drive to interviews again, and for how long I will be without income for. I am nervous about perhaps spending a further 2 months alone, living on my own in the country, and needing to ask my friends for more help. Help to keep my sane. Help to get my shopping done. Help with my dogs boredom. It terrifies me that the bones in my neck and back may not have healed enough in time, and that the bad fractures may be so easy to re-damage.

For the first time in 9 weeks, I question why all this has happened? As I let the tears come, and no longer fight them and say "I'm just fine, all under control", my white german shepherd is deeply concerned for me. He tried to climb on my lap, with his ears pinned back, and pushes his head hard into my tummy - as if to say "I'll make you feel better mum". I long to be able to lie down next to him on the ground and get my first cuddle through this whole experience. I have never been so desperate for a hug before. and I know all that this dog can fix. He has been at my side for the past 5 years of ups and downs, and have pulled me through everyone of them.

Tonight I am going to sleep. I need to close my exhausted eyes and remember all these exceptional things that have and are happening to me. I need to refocus my thoughts of how to tackle all these next stages alone. I just find it so hard sometimes to step through it on my own. No one to talk to each day. My friends would be more than happy for me to call them, and just talk. But it's not me. I hate to make my problems others, and lean on them so hard for the help I need.

Thanks for letting me write this tonight. I'm in a bad way tonight, as I guess it was just a matter of time. It's time to find new strength and new ways to attack things. Starting tomorrow, I will aim to be a better person and put much of my energy into it.

I apologise to those friends near me who have worn the brunt of all of this. You have seen me at my worst, and I am ashamed I let it get to that point. But know that I still need you there each step of the way, and that I love each and everyone of you for all the love and support you give to me - even on my bad days.

4 weeks to go til the halo is off. I can do this.

[Mom]

4 weeks to go til the halo is off. I can do this.

Bless you sweetie, it is all part of the healing journey you are on is all. You have to have some balance love. You have been so bright and positive through this, you have to expect the lows for balance.

Dont stress about your friends, that is why they are friends, to be there for you when you need them.

Take care lovely.

*hugs*

[oneofsix]

Bless you sweetie, it is all part of the healing journey you are on is all. You have to have some balance love. You have been so bright and positive through this, you have to expect the lows for balance.

Dont stress about your friends, that is why they are friends, to be there for you when you need them.

Take care lovely.

*hugs*

+1 well put Mom
Katie, your friend will understand and recover from the hurt. It might be that most of the hurt is from upsetting you and what you have written will go a long way to heeling it no matter what. I guess its hard for someone with such a joyful personality such as yourself to have to be the receiver rather than the giver but hang in there.
Your German Shepard sounds wonderful.
4 weeks to go and a new stage in the healing process to look forward to.

[Paul in NZ]

Katie

Your emotional mind and your logical mind are two very different beasts and at times seem to have two completely seperate lives. The emotional one does not respond to logic or common sense and I guess every now and then it likes to have a turn at the wheel. Its probably a safety valve - stops you exploding.

Believe it or not - I've been in similar circumstances. You are faced with the boogie man and hes not (well in your mind anyway) a wimpy wee one - we are talking industrial strength giant Tokyo destroying Mothra sized one and you cope, you do all the shit you need to do and you get by - except - every now and then the walls of your defences crack and emotions flood in (its actually called 'flooding' btw) and you cant hold them back. Every imagined situation is taken to the extreme conclusion (oh I'll never walk again etc etc) and you see no possibility of any good all this despite the little logical Katie brain trying to get heard in the backgroud.... 'um - hang on, its not that bad...'

There is not doubt about it that your situation is far from ideal - in fact you have every right to have a few tears, shit I'd be amazed if you didnt so never feel that its unusual. AND it wont be the last time either so best gird yer loins for that too.

However - all the worst case shit you are imagining is very very unlikely to happen. (but you know that)

You have had a very serious injury - there is likely to be some kind of ongoing issues, pain, rehab, limited movement etc etc but you will survive it and it will lessen with time. Life takes its toll on all of us - its a part of being a human being.

Cheer up. You are just bored and in desperate need of a hobby. Personally I like fishing. I totally SUCK at it but you get to stand there and look 'occupied' and ya never know ya might catch a fish...

[\m/]

Sounds like withdrawl symptoms after not riding for so long.

[Paul in NZ]

Sounds like withdrawl symptoms after not riding for so long.

You know - I think its just a bit more serious than that....

[Genie]

aww sweets.....you are travelling a bumpy, jerky road which is testing you on so many levels....and guess what?
You're passing these tests with an amazing amount of courage....the foundations of your life have bought you to this point and you are learning so much about yourself and others.

You bring out the best in everyone because you are one of the best. You have given me so much inspiration when I've been battling with stuff, that in comparsion is a spit in the ocean.

I'd love to have your gracious temperment, your gorgoues zest for life, your amazing ability to share your smile....you my dear, give my strength to be a better person. The world is a better place because you are in it, you give me faith in mankind.

Your fears are natural...and understandable. One day at a time, that is all you can do, reach out to those that love you, they are there to hold your hand, you are not alone.

[Paul M50]

Hey Katie, the stress of your situation is huge. In the same circumstance I'm sure I'd be a complete emotional wreck. You are coping really well. Your friends and fellow bikers will be there for you. Take care.
:hugs:
ps my dog sends a hug too.

[Edbear]

You're not female by any chance...?

You're doing fine! Anyone would be emotional at times under the stress of what you're going through!

[Paul in NZ]

Hey - if you are bored we could pick you up and you could come surfcasting with us... Its bloody great fun - you stand on a wet beach (usually windy and raining) and fling really expensive shit into the ocean then stand around for AGES waiting for something to happen (other than loosing all your expensive bits), wind it in and repeat. Its amazing and a total cure for being bored.....

as in you never complain about having nothing to do again....

[Ratti]

KP, if you are bored I have shitloads of housework here that needs doing...lawns, a bit of tree trimming, some weeding...clean up my shed ready for the new bike that might be moving in on the weekend...

Our FurPals are brilliant arn't they? My cats have seen me through many nights of tears and pityparties since my Husband died. Life goes on and the sun always rises.

Thinking of you and knowing it will ease in time.

[Bald Eagle]

KP, if you are bored I have shitloads of housework here that needs doing...lawns, a bit of tree trimming, some weeding...clean up my shed ready for the new bike that might be moving in on the weekend...

Our FurPals are brilliant arn't they? My cats have seen me through many nights of tears and pityparties since my Husband died. Life goes on and the sun always rises.

Thinking of you and knowing it will ease in time.

What ? another bike ?? Is it a running one