Katiepie graduates

[Hitcher]

It's great to see positive news. However I would caution Katie (and others) who have been stricken with major head trauma, that it takes quite a while for all of the related fug to blow itself away. A&E specialists don't tell you about what you should prepare for or what it could mean across all facets of your life. They just want you to go home. You might feel like you're back to "normal" soon after your bump, but that's probably most unlikely. Full recovery will take some time -- probably some years.

Watch the interview between Stirling Moss and Richard Hammond (it's on YouTube). There's a lot of history about motorsport and other interesting blokey stuff, but amongst it are some great insights about how head trauma can fuck you around. That was the gold I found in it.

It takes a while for your brain to sort out what it's supposed to be doing with dopamine and serotonin. If you want to know what those obscure sounding chemicals are supposed to do for you, Wikipedia will tell you lots.

How do I know this? I just do. I'm a "work in progress".

[Crasherfromwayback]

I'm a "work in progress".

With the size of the mellon you have...it was always gonna take time!

[nadroj]

With the size of the mellon you have...it was always gonna take time!

........and that's when it's not swollen!

[Toaster]

Yes, very true regarding head injuries. I though I was fine after my 2008 crash, so once the other injuries healed I went back to work as soon as I could. That was a huge mistake in hindsight with 2009 becoming an utter disaster of a year.... I still have some effects from the injury now, although I have worked fulltime since 2010 and cope fine. The pencil just doesn't seem as sharp though...

[Hitcher]

Some people might say that this is Buddhist shit. I reckon it works because it has helped me a lot, and still does for that matter. Make of it what you will.

http://www.freemindfulness.org/breath
http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbp...nd_walking.htm

[Mom]

How do I know this? I just do. I'm a "work in progress".

Aren't we all?

I also suffer a BRAIN INJURY THAT MAKES ME GRUMPY, Opps Most people are broken in some way. Have a little compassion FFS.

I remember when Hitcher was a broken arse. It scared me

My biggest compassion though was for his family, and friends

Kudos to KP for where she was, and what she has endured, and where she is now.

The others may simply Get Fucked!

[Hinny]

Kudos to KP for where she was, and what she has endured, and where she is now.

The others may simply Get Fucked!

Oh! so succinct.

[Reckless]

Kudos to KP for where she was, and what she has endured, and where she is now.

The others may simply Get Fucked!

Well said Mom Amen to that!

[Katiepie]

I have spent the past few weeks reading back through all of these messages in this thread. Why? I am unsure as to my answer to that. Perhaps it is because I am still so unsettled about much of it. Or perhaps it is because I am now tired of having to tread on egg shells here in Wellington around any biker that I ever meet – in case I say the wrong thing, cope more abuse from people who don’t even know me. I miss riding and being able to laugh and be me around others. I do this well now in my own world, but there is something missing that I once had before.

Those of you who knew me before the crash will know that I am different now. Very different. I still ride my much loved Yamaha R6 that I rebuilt after the crash. To be able to ride it for me is a real luxury. Financially I was rather screwed from the accident – from loss of career, to lack of support from ACC, covering medical bills (yes still going to physio therapy and have been paying for this myself since only 3 months after the accident), medical and behavioural issues with my two dogs as a result of the accident… so to sometime be able to keep my bike road legal with a WOF and rego it a real treat indeed. There have been many times where I have come close to selling it, knowing full well that it will be many years until I can buy another of any description. So I have fought hard to keep it, and every few months get a few days of it being legal to get out for a ride again. And it’s those few rides that still make me happier than ever before, and feeling completely free from rebuilding a whole life. For this I am extremely thankful. I miss riding more than I can ever explain in words. Before the accident riding had allowed me to find a new world that I had been longing to find for many years, build confidence within myself, dream new dreams, and find freedom that made my heart truly sing. I miss all of this terribly and look forward to working my way back there one day.

But now when I ride, I ride solo. I no longer have any social network of riders that I can fit into, I do not have anyone I call ask to hit the road with and have a proper laugh with. From a wonderfully supportive scene it has become a world that I have never felt so alone in, and even many of those who were once at my side during the early recovery can hardly talk to me, look me in the eye, laugh with me or reply to my messages.

Many of you will also know that I received a lot of cyber abuse and bullying from early on in my recovery too. From people who had never ever met me, some who had and once been a friend. What many don’t know is that abuse was not just received on here where it started. It carried on right through until the end of last year when I was dealing with the recent loss of my father. The last attack was when I was visiting my grieving family in Auckland and receiving some very very nasty words that made my whole family fall apart at the time, and my brother blamed me. I nearly lost my brother from my world with how I was handing the ongoing crap from my accident 2 years on. It was no longer just online, it was my email, through my own website, by phone and even in person. As a result I fell heavily into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 2012, and it took right through until the end of 2013 to pull through it. I had to seek a councillor to help me find the strength to handle the constant abuse and accept it, and also process it. In the early stages, when my fiancé at the time had become close with a handful of those attacking me, I got into a very dangerous place, and ever came very close to losing my battle. I survived the accident just fine, it was human nature that I nearly lost my life to. I was told over the 2 full years by many people that they wished I had died in my crash and done everyone else a favour, that I was not cared about by anyone for anything more than my body, that I didn’t deserve any of the early support I had received, and ever that someone hopped I would have another crash and finish the job properly. Some of you will say it’s easy to just ignore all of that and brush it off. But after the 12th person saying the same things to you, when you don’t even know them and are beginning to suffer a mental illness, all of a sudden you lose that ability to be able to make good judgements or decisions, all of a sudden you believe every word that is being spoken.

I asked for help, and the day I did I lost the man that I loved as a result. But asking for help was the best thing I have ever done in my entire life, because I am here today because of it. Not many friends stuck by me when I asked for me, and not once did I get a hug from someone telling me they cared for the 18 months I went through it, except my family when I went to visit.

After with-drawing from the whole biking world I finally began to heal. I have worked very very hard at being stable in a job, handling full time work, getting my dogs through very poor health and behaviour issues from 18 months of not being able walk them at all, making new friends who have nothing to do with the local motorbike scene… Building confidence within myself again, keeping a roof over my head, and beginning to work through Permanente physical issues from my injuries. I live in chronic pain, which I know many on here are all too familiar with. You may look “normal” but what goes on inside no one knows, and is your battle alone. Up until a few months ago I would become very ill at the end of a working week from my pain levels spiking to 10/10 from holding my head upright for a full week at work. I have nerve damage in my neck, the when the muscle begin to work hard they pinch the muscles and make me sick. I throw up with movement from migraines triggered from the pressure in my neck. And my leg swells so badly that some days I cannot walk with full weight on it, also from nerve damage from the injury. I would have to spend most of my weekend in bed lying down for the muscles to settle so that I could get through a full working week again.

But a few months ago I took up a challenge to cycle 200km over 2 days to raise money for Cancer Research in honour of my dad. Slowly the pain is becoming more settled with less spiking and I am learning how to handle it well. It does not worry me, and if anything it make me push harder to achieve my goals. My father never got to see me well after the accident as I was still trying to work through my PTSD. I do this for him to be able to get myself back to who I used to be, and ever stronger – both physically and mentally.

I am very proud to report that after a huge amount of focus and work, self-development and isolation from the world this past year, I am doing really well and now happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I have the spark back inside me and I giggle and smile daily, often for no reason. I am building new friendships that feel very real and I get a few people telling me that I genuinely look happy which is a really nice thing to hear. Because I know I am there, and I know what I have come from.

What do I hope to gain from writing all of these truths? Nothing in particular. But something I do miss greatly is being able to just be my happy self around my own city, around bikers, around those who have known me through all of the events of recovery. If you see me out on my motorbike filling up at a gas station, I ask if you can please say hello again like you once did before instead of keeping me in such isolation from the world I loved so much. I am harmless, I am now just a simple girl, who loves life, and has rebuilt who I am completely. I will continue to ride when I can (once my cycling challenge has finished and I cross that finish line in November). If you are someone that is suffering depression, PTSD or cyber bullying – I beg you to ask for help. I promise you, as hard as it may be, you will not regret it. It is a hard and isolating road at times, but it is all very much worth it in every way.

And for those of you who stayed in contact through here, from afar, even when I went offline for almost 2 years, thank you. You have no idea how much that has meant to me. I warmed my heart to read some of these earlier messages because my downhill spiral begun. Yes the accident has changed me, but I refuse to let it define me.

Much love and appreciation for listening, Pie x

[Bikemad]

good luck and good health to you Katie..........Kia Kaha

[awa355]

What a wonderful message. Your strength and determination put many of us to shame. I have never met you but will make the effort to be at that finish line in November.
Your father would be so proud of you.

[GSW]

good luck and good health to you Katie..........Kia Kaha

What he said!.

[Scouse]

Hi Katie I never have met you but I Well remember when your accident happened.
Can I just say that I am disgusted to hear that you were picked and cyber bullied after all you went through. It is a mesure of the person that you are to come out of the other side with the strength and positive attitude that todays post shows. stay strong

[Hitcher]

Indeed. There are some brutal arseholes in this world. Some have small minds and even smaller penises. Sometimes it takes trauma to expose them, if they haven't already identified themselves. I may be an atheist, but I believe in karma.

[merv]

I've met you just the once at Sandbar when Scumdog last hit town and I am gobsmacked that you have suffered so much because of other people. That night we did just join together to have a few laughs celebrating the visit of our brother from the Riviera of the South and I couldn't imagine what you were going through as I didn't imagine things were so bad and we didn't really talk about it that time. I'm glad to hear you are getting through it and I can assure you not everyone on this planet, bikers or otherwise, are all dickheads.

You were smiling in my photo that night http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...post1130340504

Best wishes for the future, and stay strong .