Translation for users of the haynes manuals (or any other for that matter) Prolly been done before too
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with Vice Grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with Vice Gripsthen beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with Vice Grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with Vice Grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with Vise Grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Silicone around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.
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