Norwegian Blue

[El Dopa]

Albatross!

[riffer]

Albatross!

.... Salty petrel on a stick!!

[riffer]

****

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.
Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. No.
Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS
STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh...Sorry...
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Manpause) I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I'm telling you, I did!
M: You didn't!
O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute
argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did! ___
M: Oh no you didn't! \
O: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
O: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
O: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
O: Oh yes I did! > very fast
M: Oh no you didn't! /
O: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
O: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
O: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
O: Oh yes I did! ___/
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

(pause)

M: It's just contradiction!
O: No it isn't!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn't!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is!
(pause)
I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
O: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can't!
An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a
proposition.
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!

>DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that's it.
M: (stunned) What?

O: That's it. Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
O: I'm afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

(pause)
O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five
minutes.
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
(pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
O: I told you...
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!
O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
Gotcha!

O: (pause) No you haven't!
M: Yes I have!
If you're arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

[riffer]

To save me copying and pasting anymore, here's a url for all the python scripts:

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Scripts/

[SPman]

You must forgive me Wilde, I must get back up t' the palace...

Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top!

I beg your pardon!

Ah....it was one of Whistlers

I didn't say that

You did James, you did.

Well Mr Whistler?

I meant, your Majesty that, like a doughnut, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure leaves us hungry for more!
...laughter..
...Right!
Your majesty is like a stream of Bat's Piss!

What!

It was one of Wildes!

It sodding was not! It was Shaw.

Well Mr Shaw?

I umm, I ahh ..I merely meant, your majesty, that, ah, you shine out like a shaft of gold, when all around is dark!
...laughter...
Right!
Your Majesty is like a dose of clap!

What!

Before you arrive is pleasure, but after, is a pain in the dong!

I...beg your pardon!!!

It was one of Wildes!
..........

[Hitcher]

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!


Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.


Fiddily di, fiddily dee, Eric the half a bee
A B C D E F G
Eric the half a bee
Who is this dreaded demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No, it's Eric the half a bee!

[spudchucka]

The Holy Grail

"Oooh look there goes the king".

"How do know he's the king"?

"Well he's the only one that hasn't got shit all over him".


Also another all time favorite is the "fish slapping dance".