Funniest work story

[onearmedbandit]

I could full an entire server with what the owner of our business gets up to, honestly I could. His efforts have us in hysterics everyday. But I can't post them up because OSH, or any other similar organisation would be on top of us like a tonne of bricks. But if I could you'd be pissing yourselves.

Now that the business is closed down I can list some:

1/ Needing to change the bulbs on the 6mtr high ceiling he bought a ladder, as the one we had was too short. Problem is this one is too long, so he has the idea of propping the longer ladder up on an angle using the shorter ladder as a prop for the long ladder. At the very top, with one staff member holding the smaller ladder in place, it all gives way and he comes crashing down 6mtrs onto the concrete floor. Goodbye Sunday Golf

2/ Put some new alloys onto a vehicle, but the offset is wrong and the inside of the rim fouls the brake caliper. So, in the middle of the showroom, gets an angle grinder and takes 'just the right amount' off the caliper so the alloy fits on. In the showroom. In front of customers.

3/ Using the angle grinder (again, he loves power tools) to cut back a piece of metal, strongly secured up against the rubbish skip by his stomach. Cue his shirt burning as bits of hot metal hit it and start a small fire

4/ In a previous attempt at changing the showroom lights (they were always causing trouble) he had me drive a 3 series BMW converitble around the showroom with one part of the ladder in the back seat. Another attempt saw him balance a large flat section of wood on top of the managers Prado with the step ladder on top of that.

5/ In an attempt to get an outside sign lit up he ripped into some wires he found coming out of one of the yard light poles. Managed to route some extra wires up to the sign. Realising it was time for him to go he and not wanting the wires to slip back down, he secured them around a hammer, which for two weeks swung dangerously above a row of cars. At least he took care of the bare wires he left at the bottom of the light pole before someone died.

6/ Had a customer trading an old diesel Pajero once. He came over to 'inspect' the engine. His method of doing this is to put his foot flat to the floor and if it doesn't blow up with a couple of minutes it's deemed to be 'mint'. Unfortunately the owner of the Pajero was still on the yard as he put his foot down hard on this poor old diesel, literally losing the yard in smoke. The owner came running over, and was told 'it's a bit smokey mate'

7/ Never ever tell him that a customer has complained that a vehicle is not performing well, as it will get subjected to his performance test, which basically involves screwing the shit out of the car up the street, and then back, in reverse. It is either then deemed to be a 'good one' or that it's 'fucked'.

Oh I could go on and on. He is actually a very smart man, and a successful business owner. Just approaches things a bit different then you or I. I hope.

[Grub]

He is actually a very smart man, and a successful business owner..

You think? ... in light of ...

Now that the business is closed down ...

[onearmedbandit]

You think? ... in light of ...

Ha, it was closed down by choice. He still has two other yards going and other interests as well.

[kevfromcoro]

A few yrs ago i had to gas cut a circle in a checker plate catwalk.

cut it out, but the blank remained there. gave it a belt with a large hammer
still didnt move.
had a TA with me at the time..
he takes a massive leap in the the air and lands on it
well that moved it,through the hole he went.
lucky he had his elbows out to stop him. cause we were 3 floors up.

[CookMySock]

Oh I could go on and on...

BAHAHAHA that is fucking classic. Please do go on, please !!

DB

[The Stranger:Me]

Auckland Senior Management type user: I can't get my PC to go and I have an urgent proposal to finish.

Me: This is a long shot, but did you know there is a power cut in Auckland at the moment?

SMTU: Yes, but what's that got to do with me...... O, I see what you mean. (click)

ME: Bye.

Must be an Auckland thing.
We had an upset client phone us recently to find out why we hadn't responded to the email she sent the day before advising us that their email wasn't getting through. Well I guess there has to be a first time for everything.

[zooter]

onearmbandit please continue!

[vifferman]

I have loads of stories, most of the best from when I worked for MAF, on a research station.
The best would have to be about Mr Dumb-Arse (we'll call him 'Mike', because that was his name), who was a labourer there.
Exploit one: Mike wanted some watercress for his kai from the swamp, but didn't want to get his feet wet, so drove the bulldozer into the swamp, climbed over the top and stood on the bucket at the front.
It worked well until the dozer became irretrievably mired.

Exploit two: He was digging a trench across a paddock, with one of those self-propelled ditch-diggers, the kind that you walk along behind, as it races along at 0.25km/h or so. Somehow (and we never did find out how, but we think it had summat to do with him getting bored), he had to be taken to A&E to get patched up, after it "ran him over".

Exploit three: Mike is at the local (country) pub. He's rather pissed, but not yet full, and discovers he's run out of money. He has this absolutely BRILLIANT idea: he'll sell or pawn something at the bar!
So, he goes out to his car, fossicks around in it, and finds something perfect!
Returning inside, he goes up to the barman to barter with him, but the barman is having none of it, runs out the back, and calls the cops. The Armed Offenders Squad turns up.
Yes, Mr Mike Dumbarse had grabbed the sawn-off shotgun from under the front seat.

Here's another, about another co-worker.
We used to do lots of mating trials and suchlike. One trial involved collecting semen from rams (thankfully, not summat I ever had to do, as the unlucky collectingperson usually ended up with ram sperm all over their arm). Anyway, one day, Pete goes into a pharmacist, and nervously approaches the pretty young girl behind the counter.
"Yes, Sir - how may I help you?"
"Mmbhhhsffff...."
"Pardon?"
"Um... I want to buy some condoms, please!"
"Um.. OK. How many would you like?"
"Errr... about a gross should do it."
(Pretty Young Assistant Girl is somewhat noticeably startled by this)
Pete: "Oh... they're not for me - they're for my sheep!"

[Bass]

Used to run the engineering side of a poultry processing plant. Every so often, on a Saturday morning, we would bowl over a run of "end of lay" battery hens. The ducts in them were full of eggs, usually 4 or 5. However, only the last one or two had shells on them. The others, the unshelled ones, used to turn up everywhere - like in your pockets, your gumboots, like everywhere.
Anyway, after a morning of battery hens, everyone in the place went home with a tray of eggs - one of the small perks. On the day of interest to this story, the maintenance crew were working through and so we were sitting having lunch in the workshop. At the time I had an electrical apprentice who was a bit of a loudmouth, but he could take it as well as dish it out, so nobody minded and he was actually quite likeable. He lived nearby (still with Mum and Dad) and had gone home for lunch. However, he had forgotten his tray of eggs which were sitting on the bench.
Our chief sparkie had a reputation as something of an imaginative practical joker and I could see him eyeing up these eggs and was pretty sure that something would happen. Sure enough, eventually he took one of the eggs, punctured both ends with a nail and blew the contents into the rubbish tin. So he now had an empty shell, but that was by no means the end of it. He then got out the silicon sealant gun and proceeded to refill the egg. He carefully smoothed over the puncture holes and replaced it in the tray.
After lunch, the apprentice came back, we did our afternoon's maintenance and he took his tray of eggs when he went home.
Well, it was about 4 days before we heard the outcome of all this. It seems that the lad's mum was cooking him bacon and eggs for breakfast when she encountered the "sealed" version. Apparently, it cracked OK but she couldn't open it. She didn't think too much about it, after all they were freebees from work. So she turned the garbage disposal on and dropped it in.
Well, it almost tore the sink bench off the wall until the disposer spat it back out when it then did about 3 laps of the kitchen horizontally and just about gave Mum a heart attack.
The lad came to the rescue, picked it up, took one look and almost died laughing. He knew what had happened immediately.
Mum was less sympathetic however. Peacemaking took a while.

[Mikkel]

Used to run the engineering side of a poultry processing plant...

Fuck that's awesome!

[Laava]

In the early 80's when I was a prentice, I worked with a grumpy old prick called Tom. Heart of gold but mouth full of shite. Anyway he was always rubbing everyone up the wrong way but one day when the new prentice Murry was walking past the old drop hole builders bog, he heard;"Murry mate, can you get me some toilet paper?" Never one to miss an opportunity, Murry grabbed some newspaper and rubbed it vigorously in some pink batts for a while before passing it thru to Tom. The old prick spent the rest of the day with his fingers plucking at his ringpiece!

[Oakie]

I've already posted this wee tale in another thread but it suits here just as well:

I was watching out the office window and talking to our receptionist on the phone as I waited for a woman to turn up for an interview. A rather attractive woman ran up the access road in tight t-shirt and shorts and I made typical male comments about this nice looking woman and finished up saying ...
"Jeez, I'll interview her even if she's not here about the job.". Receptionist waited a moment before advising me "That's my daughter".

[Laava]

This one time, we were re-comissioning an old toilet block that had been unused for years but people had still been crapping everywhere, on the floor etc so we got the unblocking people in with their water blasters and the plumbers got the water on and then we hired a work experience guy to do the elbow work. We gave him some mild acid and detergent and brushes and cloths etc plus some elbow length rubber gloves, heavy duty of course! He worked away for hours and then when he had finished to our delight used his teeth to remove the gloves! Lots of ROLFing etc

[Timber020]

We were doing a hay contract at a prison farm. I was told by one of my workmates that the last guys to help pick up the bales were the sex offenders, and that it was traditional to "wind the baler up by a few turns" for them, the baler had the shear pin welded to. This made the bales tighter and alot heavier to pick up.
So anyhow we had to break for lunch so I when I returned I cranked it down and started baling. Now this baler was made back when you average tractor was 40hp, now with the 140hp tractor it seemed to be struggling, but not as much as the offenders trying to get them up on the back of the trailer and stack them up. But I kept going until my boss showed with fuel.
He said that it looked the guys were having a tough time, and that it was probably something to do with the fact that HE had cranked the baler up. The other guy there said he had to. I had to admit that I had as well so the three of us walked up to the closest bale and gave it a kick.
It was like a big fluffy brick, and about as heavy. They all had to be cut open, spread and rebaled.


I used to keep a 2$ shop hockey mask in the lining of my climbing helmet (im an arborist) and occationally wear it when working in the CBD where people refuse to detour, would duck under caution tape or not listen to people who are trying to keep them safe. It was great if we were closing off an area under a tree to do work and someone would be heading towards us with there head down looking at there phone or palm pilot. When they got close enough I would start my saw with my mask on, they would look up and the reaction was often priceless.I have made more than one suit run and/or scream like a girl. Did I nearly get fired? Yes. Was it worth it? Hell yeah. Oh by the way if it was someone on here that I scared the life out of, think of what it would normally cost for that kind of adrenaline rush.

[Steam]

... I would start my saw with my mask on, they would look up and the reaction was often priceless.I have made more than one suit run and/or scream like a girl.....

Aahaha! I did that at a party once! Chainsaw with no chain, but it sure looked and sounded real in the dark. Put on hockey mask, started the saw, and started chasing people around the party, they all thought I had a chain on it.
I preplanned it with a mate so he was the first one I went for, he did a bloody good job of screaming horribly when I rubbed the bar across his torso and seriously, everyone freaked, the whole house was suddenly empty as people scarpered in terror.

I did it again at about three in the morning, but by that time everyone had either heard about it from other people or were so drunk they didn't care about being chainsaw massacred, and nobody even got up.

Good party, about 50 people, bonfire, scooter burnouts.