Depression...

[Kittyhawk]

There are two things...

Thank you Kittyhawk for this thread, and your subsequent help, you are a life saver :-)

Probably not recommended to ride (especially commute) on your darker days. If you manage to stop yourself pinning the throttle or splitting at silly speeds then you may get distracted and not see the need to react to an upcoming hazard.

Thanks...glad to be of help. Hope I've made you smile at least once!!

As for the riding....came close to crashing 3 times on Monday night while out riding with Morcs and Weasel. So Im really going to take a break for a few weeks then hopefully be ready for the KB track day in Taupo.

Hi everyone we have 2 websites that will help everyone to have more knowldege and find a great listening ear
www.e-talk.co.nz
and www.phy.org.nz we are Project Hope foundation our mission is NZOP800 saving 800 kiwi lifes per year from preventable deaths so come and talk to us we are a great bunch if you can excuse my spelling lol
hehhehe

Ive had a look at the e-talk website and even signed up!! Thanks for that bauldy. Much appreciated. Hope others check out these sites too.

[Busy]

When day becomes night ...

Been off the drugs for who knows how long, I don't even know what day it is.
I suppose the best way I can describe how I feel is metallic.
Yesterday was the worst, I have no thoughts about hurting myself but yesterday I had thoughts of hurting others (even though am a teddy bear).
I even thought about just filling up the gas tank and riding until I run out, I know I'd get about 280k's and they reckon another 40 on reserve. I just thought about going until I could go no more. What about when I did run out of gas? Just leave the bike for someone to find (a local) then maybe just walk until I could walk no more. I just don't care about anything.

I'm not going to try any more drugs, they are just messing up my mind. I know there could be the right one out there but have tried two types already and both have made me worse. I'd give just about anything for a decent night sleep, even just six hours solid.

I think my biggest problem is I am to stuborn, I know I will beat this, even though I don't want to
I don't want help, I don't want to see anyone, I dont want to talk to anyone, I don't want anything. If we had an outback or a forest I'd go become a hermit.

Sorry for babbling, I had a point to this post but have forgotten what it was

[vifferman]

Vifferman, my girlfriend was on lithium - have you had experience with this?

Yup.
I've taken it by itself, and in combination with antidepressants. Can't say whether it helped or not, but the Dr. prescribed it as a "mood stabiliser".
The shame is that I first read about it when I was reading a "Reader's Digest" in the specialist's office, and there happened to be an article in there about what a wonder cure it can be for some people. Funnily enough, I think he prescribed it that day. No such luck for me - no wonder cure.

She was the most beautiful person, very attractive, stunning figure, had class, intelligent and to the outside world she appeared very confident. Inside - she totally hated herself, had no confidence.

It's a bummer, that, and very sad. I'm almost identical!





Except I'm ugly (inside and out), 10kg overweight (thanx largely to the meds), have no class, a broken brain, and to the outside world I appear to be a weirdo.
I totally hate myself and my life at times - felt like that the day before yesterday. I can say though, that it's almost entirely bogus.
I took the last two days off work, as I stopped taking Effexor altogether late last week and couldn't cope with work and the withdrawl symptoms. Yesterday I took a very small dose (about 25mg) and that helped get me through things.
I've decided to try and deal with this as sensibly and completely as I can, by watching my diet and trying not to take meds, but if I REALLY need to, taking enough to help. It's a tricky tightrope, as I can't trust myself to actually be sensible about it: can't trust my feelings, can't trust my thoughts. Like now, f'risntance: I've proofread what I wrote, and it's full of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, and I can't think. Time for a drug infusion, dammit.

So. I'm now eating sensibly, taking regular supplements of flax-seed oil, and griffonia tablets. If my brain is missing something, these should help.

I'm in two minds (schizophrenia??) about whether to talk to my boss about all this. My last boss new everything, but this one doesn't. After nearly being fired a few years ago after confessing I was broken, I feel very vulnerable and I'm not sure whether it will help or not that my employers know what's what.

[vifferman]

When day becomes night ...
I'm not going to try any more drugs, they are just messing up my mind. I know there could be the right one out there but have tried two types already and both have made me worse. I'd give just about anything for a decent night sleep, even just six hours solid.

Dude, you really need to get this 'fixed'.

I know how you feel about meds, but at this point, you need something to help you through it. What you've said is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm in a bad headspace, and it illustrates what I said about not being able to trust your feelings and thoughts, so you need to trust someone else to help you out. As recently as yesterday I thought, "Hey - this is all fucked up, I can't see it getting better, I've had enough." But today I see things differently.

"Two types" of meds is not many, and not giving medication enough of a chance to help. Even within one type of medication there can be a big variation between the effects of various doses - if the dose is too small or too big or even taken at the wrong time(s) it can make things worse. My doctor said that some of his patients are on three or four meds at once. Personally, I reckon this would complicate things - how do you tell which ones are helping? But if something helps, it helps.

As for sleep - if you are really deadset against taking prescription drugs, try getting something from the supermarket or pharmacy that contains griffonia(they're usually called something to do with sleep or calm or whatever) and take that an hour or so before bedtime. You may find if your serotonin levels are seriously ferkt that it actually makes you feel more wide awake at first. If so, take it during the day as well. Don't have any caffeine or chocolate after 7pm, and don't try to use alchohol to self-medicate.

And don't fret about the sleep thing. If you can't sleep, get up and read, watch TV, do something relaxing like take a hot bath, or something that wears you out like going for a run.
But it's OK. Try not to focus on the "I can't sleep!" and just on the relaxation,

[Busy]

Thanks for the PM's guys, I'll be fine. I'll try reply to them later.

vifferman, the meds have become my problem, before the meds I was "normal" (wtf is normal anyways) and was only taking the meds for panic attacks and am now really messed up. was actually 3 meds I've tried, including two at once.

The sleep issue is a big one, but basically I am not the type of person to laz around, I relax by working on something I enjoy - always doing something, hence my username. My biggest problem is I have a screwed up knee (panelbeating accident many years ago) I can't run, walk great distance, kneel, squat, climb ..., these drugs are like viagra and steriods in one, on sunday I shoveled 8cubic meters of builders mix on to a high sided truck, plus loaded 600 pavers into a trailer (over several trips), my body ached and I even started to get a pain in my chest but I just kept going as I was able to. The only reason I stopped was because the rain started to turn the builders mix and topsoil into mud, I had been up since 4am that morning and finally stopped loading/unloading at 11:30pm. My knee is still sore from that although it wasnt sore at the time. The bags under my eyes are big enough that I would be charged for extra luggage at the airport.

Without the drugs I just have the panic attacks, with the drugs I have the full depression thing. I'm to old for this life changing crap.
My knee has been a problem I have dealt with for over ten years, it made me give up racing stock cars, give up the job I loved and a lot more but I never let it stop me from doing anything I want to do, although i do tend to suffer the following couple of days.

I shouldn't really be posting this, if anyone does read this, the drugs can help, ignore my posts, just having a bad patch. seek help, find the right meds and you'll be seeing fluffy bunnies in no time
Sure it reads like i am a hypocrite but I am approaching middle age (no am not having a mid life crisis, age is just a number) but can easily say I have lived a full life and have probably done stuff most of you would never do or even think of. I've had a good life.

[The Stranger:Me]

"Two types" of meds is not many, and not giving medication enough of a chance to help. Even within one type of medication there can be a big variation between the effects of various doses - if the dose is too small or too big or even taken at the wrong time(s) it can make things worse. My doctor said that some of his patients are on three or four meds at once. Personally, I reckon this would complicate things - how do you tell which ones are helping? But if something helps, it helps.

Wow, this thread is an eye opener.
Haven't read it all, but would like to comment and ask a question.
I have never really been depressed before.
Recently I have been struggling with a relationship break up and certainly have my moments now.

But one thing I have found in my time is to trust myself. I can tell when I am not right and I can usually work out what I need to do to put it right.

Some examples

I did go through a stage where I was quite suicidal many moons ago, I found that if I gave up coffee I came right. I have tried a few times sinse to increase my intake of coffee (hey, I love the stuff) and each time I start getting depressed again and if I don't cut back, yeah quite suicidal. I can't have more than 2 cups a day.

If I have an excess of sugar I will go into a fit of rage. Too many sweets, too much chocolate, whatever, I will snap and start throwing things and getting abusive until it is burnt off, then I am good again. Again, this is clearly repeatable.

I had problems with a skin rash on my back and arms, which, despite many doctors visits (including some top specialists) and a heap of potions and lotions, would not abate. I had the mercury amalgum fillings removed from my teeth and viola, within a day the rash had gone. Not only that, but I had the first normal liver function test I had had in 20yrs after the fillings were removed, they are still normal now, 4 yrs later.

None of these things were on the advice of doctors, just from my own intuition, deduction or research.

So, my question to you guys is this.
Do you feel that you can with a bit of careful thought, research (who's been to pubmed?) and careful trial and error better affect your own outcomes?

[mstriumph]

.........................None of these things were on the advice of doctors, just from my own intuition, deduction or research.

So, my question to you guys is this.
Do you feel that you can with a bit of careful thought, research (who's been to pubmed?) and careful trial and error better affect your own outcomes?

yes
definately
if you have any sort of abnormal prognosis you HAVE to be pro-active ........ it's war and there is no place for passivity when you are under attack...
when it comes down to it, to the medical profession [no matter how caring and qualified] you are a 'case' - but to YOU you are your whole world .......

who do you think is going to be most focused on your welfare? most diligent? most involved?

you are your own primary resource

[and no, i DON't mean INSTEAD of the medical profession - i mean as well as]

[Curious_AJ]

quite true... but then you get people who would rather carefor others than themselves in the long run... so not everybody is their own world... it happens..........................

[Kittyhawk]

Do you feel that you can with a bit of careful thought, research (who's been to pubmed?) and careful trial and error better affect your own outcomes?

It is personal trial and error but only you yourself can discover that. Its one of those journeys in life where you do travel alone.

Any form of help is a good thing, weather or not you want to accept that is another matter.

To better your own outcome, you have to first identify the problem.

[Curious_AJ]

i hate my brain... it doesnt work properly... what the hell is wrong with me!?!?!?! i dont understand!

[Curious_AJ]

i hate myself too... im pushing people away again... the only ones i trust... im hopeless... i worthless... im nothing...

[Steam]

i hate myself too... im pushing people away again... the only ones i trust... im hopeless... i worthless... im nothing...

All I can say is here's an internet hug for you. Not worth much but I know where you are coming from. Hugs from Steam/Jamie and hope you feel better soonish.

[Curious_AJ]

thanks... but i dont think i will... its been this way for way too long...

[Kittyhawk]

Maybe you should try this...( I learnt it last week)

Close your eyes..

Focus on your breathing. Count one when you inhale and two when you exhale...do this till you get to ten.

Start again...and again....and again..

See how long you can go for without stuffing it up.

And let your mind wonder.

Or try smiling just once...*big biker hug to you*

[RiderInBlack]

thanks... but i dont think i will... its been this way for way too long...

I know this is a bit cliché, but so true: Life is always changing. Nothing is forever. Bad times will and do pass.
In my late 20's I too felt that my life would always suck. I am very glad I stuck around long enough to be proved wrong. My 30's and 40's have been awesome years. I know how hard it can be to change the way ya view life, but changing my view has been a life saver (literally). Believe in ya self and your self worth. You are a much better person than ya think, and have more friends than ya believe.