What am I? Fly paper for freaks!

[RiderInBlack]

Thanks for that Sniper. Suddenly my job seems so much better.

[Skunk]

Great laughs guys. Thanks for starting this Sniper; keep them coming...

[peanuteater]

Thanks for sharing that, good laugh,-makes me think think my jobs not that bad after all....

[Sniper]

I have a little time before I get to go home, so here is a story I rate up there on my list. Even as I think about them I hope to god I never see these folks again.

It happened on New Years Eve 2005. I remember it as I was going to head out to a party and enjoy myself before dragging myself out of bed the next morning and attempting to manage a branch without puking on anyone or reeking of too much alcohol. (Ahh the days when I didnt fear consequence from after effects). The day had past pretty uneventfully and I was getting all excited (Youthful exurberence). The only thing that should have rung alarm bells in the noggin was a phone call I got at around 11am from a couple in Akaroa who had picked up a car at 0830 and they said the brakes were squeaking. Most the time if brakes have a minor squeak its due to dust in the pads, but we always have a garage check it out just to be on the safe side.

A bit of background on these folks first. Now when they walked in, they had to open the sliding doors all the way open to fit in, they were not small people. They had deliberatly booked a budget car as they were not fucken millionaires as they put it and couldnt understand why we wouldnt give them better rates for a 3 day hire in peak season. And to top this off, not only were they Australian (Which is a nationality I have absolutly no problem with contrary to NZ rules) they had immigrated from Russia 2 years previous so they were Russian Australians!!! Unfortunatly, due to their attitude I will never hire to an Australian Russian again and I find some sadistic pleasure in attempting to sabotage any holiday plans I see from those.
Now, they were Ok to sign up. Not too loud and english wasnt fantastic and I used that to my advantage. They somehow (By some unearthly power) managed to squeeze themselves into this little 3 door Nissan Lucino all ready for their trip.

Now, back to the story.....

I rang the Akaroa Shell garage up and asked if there was anyone availible to check the brakes on a car if I got the customers to take it into them. They said it should be fine as long as they went in before 1600 as they were closing early (It was 1115 at this stage) and I said they would definetly be in before then and thanked the chap.
Back on the blower to the (still rather ok at this point) moron and his evil bitch from hell (you will see why soon) and told them where to take it, gave them the address and told them it wasnt hard to find and they thanked me and that was that. Hardy fucky har Tui anyone?

*Later that afternoon*

At 1700 I jump up to close the roller doors and get ready to leave when I see this little black Nissan Lucino, carrier of Satans spawn, drive into the depot. (God hated me for some reason around this time) And this thing was sitting low, I shit you not, you could have taken the springs out and it would have sat higher than it was at this point in time. And fuck me sideways with a black and blind midget, not only do the orginal 2 ooze out of the car, they somehow managed to pack their 2 friends who were the same size as they were in as well. (By this stage Im wondering on the population of Akaroa and my own safety as I swear I see one of them weigh me up as a roast in their mind) and they were not happy.... NO FUCKEN WONDER THEY HAD A PROBLEM WITH THE BRAKES!! Im sure the car had a weight carrying limit and it was severly jeapardised by Humpty Dumpty and his friends.

Anyway, he came in and explained to me they were not happy with the car (I was amazed at how much his english improved since the morning). He explained the brakes were not upto scratch and that the car was terrible uncomfortable to drive. (Not fucken surprising, I was mentally praising the brakes from stopping the car reaching terminal velocity down a hill) So I told him that we only had 2 choices, he could swap into another car just the same, but higher kms or he could come back the following morning and I would make a special effort to be there early (0750 instead of 0800) and I will put new brakes in the car. He contemplated both ideas, had a look at the spare car I was offering and then went outside to chat to wife and friends and obviously discuss their options (Or which African countries Aid Supplies they were going to eat for breakfast)

The enter Satans ex-wife (Had to be Ex, no normal person could be capable of what she was) and she lost it. She was swearing and carrying on (In perfectly good English) how we were not helping her, and we have ripped them off already with the price and we were hindering their travel plans. (What the fuck, I offered the only solutions I could and I was being helpful) To say I was pissed would be an understatement. I told her that I had offered them the only solutions I could and it was one of those she could pick, no others. Then she went spak and demanded a manager, so I did a little twirl around and said I am he and she may have a completely unbiased decision. To say she didnt like that would be the complete and honest truth too

By now it was 1735 and I was 15 minutes late to pick someone up and she went out to chat to the others and hopefully cool down. (My mental suggestion to use the water blaster was a bad one according to common sense) And obviously instead of cooling down, the reaction was a complete oppisite. Both the women came in and both had a yelling match informing me what I will do and what they will do. Now, Im 25 minutes late, Im being yelled at by something that is proberbly about to have a heart attack and I do not like being told what I will do when Ive been nice and calm this entire time. Easy fix...I told her friend to shut up as I have nothing to do with her and she was doing nothing to help the situation for her friends and then I told the bitch from hell that I have got another option for her, but it would be wise to stay away from it. I got a, "I'll make up my own mind you rude little boy" (Hmm, the rude I wasnt fazed by, but the little boy bit was pushing it) So I told her that the third option was to turn around, walk out of the branch and good luck finding another car. She didnt seem to like that option and told me to phone other rental car companies before she decided. (Har har, get fucked, I bend over for no one) So I told her I wasnt going to do that, that was up to her and now that she had an additional option, she had better choose as I was going to make the decision for her instead shortly.

She then went outside and oviously had a bit of a moan about me and the options and then instead of coming to a rational decision and realising that Im just a little more than fucked off she decided to lay the rules, according to her... Her and her friend walked back inside with stupid little grins on their faces and then (I was almost ready to pull out a set of earplugs) they decided to speak normally. Apparently, what I was going to do (Now she has stepped over the line, I did warn her about telling me what to do) was to call the other rental car offices to see what else was availible, to pay for anything if there was availibility (remember, its new years eve) and if there was no availibility to take them to their accomodation (How the fuck am I going to fit in that car, and we dont keep a bulldozer on site) and pay for their taxis for the evening while I bring the car back, fit new brakes and deliver it to where they are staying and because they pay my wages, thats what I was going to do...

Then I laughed. By now the line they had crossed wasnt even a line anymore, it was a dot and I had had enough. My plans were down the sink as it 1830 by this stage and Im angry. They didnt like me laughing obviously as they told me to stop being immature. This time instead of being nice on polite I told her friend to, "Get the fuck out of my office now!" (That served a purpose, she shut up) and then I told the evil bitch from hades that I gave her some perfectly good solutions, I had been more than polite, and that I am making the decision. Could she please leave the branch and take her husband and her friends with her, I do not want them here. She kind of blinked a couple of times like she was trying to comprehend it all and then just looked at me and said, "Sorry?" in a really disbelievable way. Then I got stuck in telling her that if she can get fucked if she tries telling me she didnt understand, that there is a big door there, walk outside and never come back, I dont give a fuck how they get around the island and that if they didnt walk out in the next minute I would forcefully escort them out. (Fuck knows how, I didnt have a crane) Well she went a funny shade of green and then walked out.

Then the husband came in (remember him, he didnt feature much as he sat outside smoking cigars with his friend) and asked what was going on. So I told him, his wife had pushed me too far and I gave her the same options I gave him which she didnt accept so I told her what they were going to do. He was very calm the entier time and just said, "Yes, but they are women, let us talk, man to man" to which I could only reply, "Had you been man enough to step up and control your wife and make a rational decision, then you would not be in this spot. You have no one to blame but yourself and your wife, so please leave the branch before I phone the police." (I will always remember saying that, it just seems so special) Well at least he got the hint and walked outside without saying another word and after a 5 min chat with the group (and a few attemps by his wife to come inside and him having to stop her) they turned around and walked out.

Whenever I feel sorry for customers I think of this and realise how ugly things can turn so quickly. A change in attitude can mean alot when dealing with people which I will always keep in mind if I ever find myself on the other side of the counter. And I will always dread New Years incase they ever come back.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

I've just had tears of laughter rolling down my face - I'm still at work, you write extremely well. I usually let my ex husband handle "delicate matters" he was more diplomatic - however there were times I grabbed the phone and said Now what part of that don't you fkn understand. I'd go debt collecting in my business suit, I'm blessed with long legs, and I would sit there and wait and be a broken record. I will leave when I have my money! I can be incredibly patient (sp?) oops brain has died.

[Hans]

Magic, you may be made a saint for your patience yet.

[Ixion]

In a previous incarnation i had a job where I quite often ahd to deal with foreign customers, especially yanks

One of the things that they did that really got on my wick was the habit they have of saying "You need to ..."; "What you will do is ...".When what they meant was " I want you to ..."

Usually, as in Mr Snipers case, after I had outlined all the available options to them, none of which they liked.

They always seemed quite astonished when I replied "No, I DON'T need to do anything - YOU need to choose one of the options I've given you".

What IS it with that stupid attitude "You need to (do something that you certainly are not going to do". I've never heard a Kiwi say that.

But then , I'm renowned for my philosopy that the customer is always wrong. And the sooner they realise it and do as I tell them the sooner things will get sorted out. Which is actually almost always true in IT (The previous job wasn't IT though).

[FROSTY:Me]

Hmm
Im in a similar rer occupation
My er best compaint was the bloke that wanted us to pay for a new clutch tyres and handbrake.
The idiot could at least have scrubbed the diesel and ripped up rubber from under his wheel arches.
His clutch was so buggered the flywheel was blue and the clutch was worn to the rivets

[heyjoe]

Absolutely amazing....

[dnos]

This is some very entertaining stuff, in fact it's hard not to laugh out loud which might let the boss know I'm not really working in here.
Would love to see more.

[Indiana_Jones]

lol I've been having a giggle at my work station too

-Indy

[Brett]

When I read your story at work, I was pissing myself laughing...bloody good effort!

[Pixie]

I pick "The Spanish Police are Coming to Arrest You!"

Sure it wasn't the Spanish Inquisition?
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

[Lou Girardin]

The other side of the rental coin is Affinity Rentals who advertised a Beetle convertible available from Christchurch and Nelson on their website. That is of course, until you call them and find out it's only available from Nelson for a minimum 7 days.
Or, as I've already posted, Hertz charging airport levys when there is no alternative pick up point other than the airport.

[Sniper]

The other side of the rental coin is Affinity Rentals who advertised a Beetle convertible available from Christchurch and Nelson on their website. That is of course, until you call them and find out it's only available from Nelson for a minimum 7 days.
Or, as I've already posted, Hertz charging airport levys when there is no alternative pick up point other than the airport.

Yup, thats a standard money making practice by Hertz. They will charge you for anything and everything if they can. One thing appealing about the company I work for is that there are no hidden costs, airport fees are only if you are dropping after hours and we do courtesy pick ups and srop offs from all our depots.

/end sales pitch