Uncertain future

[Antallica]

Just got home from the hospital with the wife-to-be (nothing too serious), and before I go mental from exhaustion (8:30am start @ work today, DOH!) and goto bed I thought I'd better post this to get some feedback.

I got asked a very uncomfortable question today (well, yesterday as I type):

"Will you give up Motorcycling? At least until our last child has left home?" - Note that we aren't even married yet nor do we have children.

Now there are two reasons for this question to be brought up from my understanding: 1. The fact that I get a 'toy' and she's stuck with the kids in the car or whatever, and 2. She doesn't want me to die and leave her by herself to bring up the kids.

As you can imagine this really took a blow at me. Honestly I have no time to myself as it is what with work, and my sweet demanding all of my free time. The way I see it, it would be at least 30 years before I could get back on one again. I just can't bring myself to give up my newly found passion that I've hardly even begun to experience.

Your suggestions/feedback?

[bluninja]

Hopefully your now getting some sleep, and will be reading this after another exhausting day.

I guess a lot of this will come down to your veiw of life. My father in law has already given me the lecture about my life being 'over' and that I should just live for my kids. I don't subscribe to that; I don't believe my life should be on hold when I have kids...when they grow up...(IF!) they may well then have grandchildren for me to feel responsible for....then I would be giving up things till they've grown up.

My wife loves the person she fell in love with, one that rode motorbikes. If I give it up just because of her fears or desires then I am not the person she first liked, and am in fact less. IT doesn't mean I can't stop riding if I choose. If it's a personal safety thing then I guess next will come stopping contact sports, alcohol, red meat, any meat....thin end of the wedge.

Having said this...my RSVR is still in storage as my family is more important than finding $5k for insurance so I can ride right now.

I suggest you talk to her when you're both in good physical and mental condition to understand where she's coming from and see if you can both have what you want.

[vtec]

I don't have a family of my own or any major responsibilities so I'm not the best person to be giving advice about what to do when you've got kids.

All I'm going to say is that if you love it, don't stop, cause you'll just miss it so much more when it is gone. I know that no matter what I'll never stop riding, as long as I am able. I need to feel the power and excitement of the mototcycle, I can only last a few days before i start to need my next fix. And this is only on my 250.

I've had the odd go on my dad's TL1000s recently, and if I got used to that kind of power, the addiction would be so much worse.

Remember, don't just live your life on the straight and narrow, do lots of things just for enjoyment, cause even at 21 I know the clock is ticking, and one day I'm gonna run out of time to do the things I love. That's what scares me the most. So I do as much as I can while I can. I know the risks, but the pleasure I gain from riding far exceed them.

Moral of the story: If you like it do it.

[What?]

Mate, in all the togetherness that is marriage, you both need your own space. 4xample, Mrs What? likes digging dirt and putting flowery things in it, whereas I do not. The flip side is my toys have 2 wheels and an engine, or long pointy bits that go "BANG", and Mrs What? does not share my enthusiasm for these. It works; we have our space, and when we are together we appreciate all the more.

As for point 2, sod's law says that, in the seeking of near eternal life, you will devoid yourself of all dangerous pasttimes and be promptly run over by a bus.

Like Blu said, if you enjoy it, do it.

[Antallica]

Cheers guys, your input has really helped me. I'm glad there are a good bunch of guys (even more of them yet to reply I'm sure), us fellow bikers can turn to for some good old advice.

Yes I'm going to have a chat with my sweet soonish. I think most of all she's just scared about me on them, it'll work out I'm sure.

Thanks again.

On another note, I'm bloody exhausted.
*starts 8hr shift*

[Al]

This is a difficult decision to make.
I am supported by a wife who adores bikes, so that is sorted..
As far as stopping till your kids are out of the house, that is unfair to demand that. Your life shouldn't "end" just because you have kids, this could make a person become very bitter and twisted.
I have 2 wonderful daughters and they do not begrudge me for having gone for a blet on the road or in the bush (back in South Africa where it was NOT safe).
The whole marriage/kiddies scenario is one of give and take.
This is my view only and others will certainly differ from it.

Good luck

Al

[curious george]

Mine is something of the same opinion as yours Ant, and like you we don't have any children either.
I can see where time wont allow me to do as much riding as I might like, but that doesn't mean I have to give up.
Like What? said, give it all up, and whammo, get hit by a bus.
I don't think it's selfish, dangerous, thoughtless or stupid choosing to ride a bike, just some people have a paranoia about it.
I've had at least twelve mates kill themselves in car accidents from my class at school, and none on bikes.
A good compromise would be to get an enormous life insurance policy.

[Ms Piggy]

Hey Ant,
Firstly - glad to hear your fiancee is ok after the trip to the Hospital.

Now there are two reasons for this question to be brought up from my understanding: 1. The fact that I get a 'toy' and she's stuck with the kids in the car or whatever, and 2. She doesn't want me to die and leave her by herself to bring up the kids.

Secondly - I'd recomend you ask her if the above reasons are why she has asked you for the ultimate scarifice.

I'd also try and find out why it has become an issue now or has she always been 'not so keen' on you riding? It sets off alarm bells for me that she expects this of you (I'm sorry to say). I asked a similar question in a thread and most of the riders agreed that giving up something you love for your spouse was a bad move. If the reason was wrong. http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...estion+allowed

What all the other guys have said is excellent advice and especially this:

I suggest you talk to her when you're both in good physical and mental condition to understand where she's coming from and see if you can both have what you want.

Possibly at the time she asked you this she was feeling a little tired & emotional from her hospital visit. All the best buddy.

[Ghost Lemur]

Hey Ant,

As you know the Rodent was my first bike and I got it while having the Punks to consider.
Also my better half was filled with concern/dread while we discussed the topic. Mainly due to not wanting anything bad to happen to me. But we talked through it, and it all worked out.

So my advice, COMMUNICATION.
DON'T give up bikes unless it's what you want. If you do you will regret it and you will begrudge those who "made" you.
UNDERSTAND and accept the validity of her fears and concerns.
BE WILLING TO COMPRIMISE.
ENLIGHTEN HER to the fact (this may only be my point of view) the when kids come into the equation you're going to be naturally more cautious due to concern for them.
EDUCATE HER about the number of road deaths in cars (help show that you can't fight death, so you should be able to enjoy what you do as it can happen at any time no matter how much cotton wool you're wrapped in... also a good thing to point out about the kids, particularly if they're boys they will climb, jump, fall, break things, bruise and cut themselves AND SHE CAN'T STOP IT).

As long as you both communicate openly and honestly and are willing to see each others point of view you'll work through it.

[2_SL0]

I have been down this road. Hence a 5 yr break from bikes. My wife was more accepting of dirt bikes. Even though many a person told her that they are even worse. Her arguement and it is a valid one, "Its not him its the other nutters on the road." My wife new it was going to happin sooner or later, due to the fact when we met I was a complete bike/car/anything that has a engine and goes fast NUT. Im not sure of your age, but one thing I can say it did help me taking a break, as I mellowed and realised I was not the industructable Action man I thought I was. I have a young son and plan on being around him for a very long time. I ride very cautious these days and actually feel somewhat safer than I did on the dirt bike. My wife would vouch that I am a lot happier and life at home is alot more relaxed. Put to her this Would you prefer me to be happy, give a 110% to the family and have no regrets. OR Be unhappy, give only 70 % to the family and may well resent you in the end. On the crash and burn side of things, If its going to happin, then I feel it dont matter what you on or in. Bike or Car. Hey the old saying, "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow" . People judge without really thinking to hard, Yes motorcycles are dangerous, but so is everything else.
I just fished my toast out the toaster with a knife, I didnt turn off the power. Thats living on the edge. A guy at work disproves of Motorcycles claims they are dangerous, Yet he is one of the lycra wearing cyclists you see around all the country roads. He also just gained his Pilots licence and is flying small planes around. Which is more dangerous ? Il stick to my bike, dont like planes.

[KATWYN]

Cheers guys, your input has really helped me. I'm glad there are a good bunch of guys (even more of them yet to reply I'm sure), us fellow bikers can turn to for some good old advice.

Yes I'm going to have a chat with my sweet soonish. I think most of all she's just scared about me on them, it'll work out I'm sure.

Thanks again.

On another note, I'm bloody exhausted.
*starts 8hr shift*

I don't know what your riding style is or how you talk about riding around
her, it could be freaking her out - all she needs is reassurance - if its not that then shes a worrier

- or if she just believes the cliche that bikes are dangerous and that you will get killed on a bike - she will always feel the way she does and will worry herself sick, and want you to "put your hobby on hold" for 30 years. so then actively do safety courses, read about safety (around her- sneaky), get safe riding videos -all for her benefit etc etc to show that you do everything you can to keep yourself safe. - or you may already do that (for yourself anyway).... Once again its reasurance

- or if its the "toy" thing and shes stuck with the kids, whos idea was it
to have children? -if it was hers and she got her way, then that was her decision (although no doubt one doesnt bring that up in an argument- but you know the point im trying to make) - she got her "toys" so she should not hassle you about your toys. However if it was the other way around or a general consensus to have kids then it would P*** me off if I was stuck with children while my partner was off enjoying endless freedom too.

[Hooks]

I have voiced my opinion on this subject before ... just can't remember which thread ..... I did in fact give up riding for my marriage ... my wife was very anti bikes even though I had one at the time we met and had just got the EFfie a matter weeks after we met. I put the bike into storage and did my best for our family ... in the end it made no difference as, after 14 years, she left me, the kids and the country and persued her own dreams !! ..... My advice to you is ...... if you have to give up something you really enjoy then you are giving up the part of you that makes you who you are as a person ....... explain that to your intended.
Starting a relationship by having to make sacrifices is not a good idea in my opinion unless it's because of financial hardship or something seriously detrimental to you or your childrens welfare ..... something like smoking for example .....

good luck with it all and may you both find happiness and contentment within the walls of your life together ....

[James Deuce]

No one who loves you should even attempt to "change" you.

Put it down to a minor aberration as a result of the hospital trip.

If it comes up again you have an issue that will need to be dealt with.

If you give up bikes for someone else you will end up giving up all sorts of other things. Compromise goes both ways, but there is also the recognition in a relationship that some things are not up for compromise.

If YOU choose to give up bikes so be it.

[RiderInBlack]

Hey Ant,

As you know the Rodent was my first bike and I got it while having the Punks to consider.
Also my better half was filled with concern/dread while we discussed the topic. Mainly due to not wanting anything bad to happen to me. But we talked through it, and it all worked out.

So my advice, COMMUNICATION.
DON'T give up bikes unless it's what you want. If you do you will regret it and you will begrudge those who "made" you.
UNDERSTAND and accept the validity of her fears and concerns.
BE WILLING TO COMPRIMISE.
ENLIGHTEN HER to the fact (this may only be my point of view) the when kids come into the equation you're going to be naturally more cautious due to concern for them.
EDUCATE HER about the number of road deaths in cars (help show that you can't fight death, so you should be able to enjoy what you do as it can happen at any time no matter how much cotton wool you're wrapped in... also a good thing to point out about the kids, particularly if they're boys they will climb, jump, fall, break things, bruise and cut themselves AND SHE CAN'T STOP IT).

As long as you both communicate openly and honestly and are willing to see each others point of view you'll work through it.

Hi Ant,
Best advise is in what Ghost Lemur has said above.
It is very important in any relationship that you choose freely to do something without feeling pressured. You will find that there will be times you feel like riding the bike and times you will feel you need to be there for the kids. If you give up what you enjoy for her, you will resent her for that choice. If you ride the bike out of spite or stubborness then you will loose the joy of riding (which is what it is all about).
She probably feels this way as she has recently been to the hospital and is feeling the live is a bit fragile a the moment. She obviously cares for you deeply and is just scared that she may loose you. Unfortunely this is just one of the risks of loving someone. She could also die at anytime, but this is not a good excuse to live life in "cotton-wool" (which is a kind of death all of it's own). Living and loving is risky, enjoy the risk but take the appropriate precautions (no point in dieing a stupid death).
If You need someone to talk to about this, you know my phone number. Please feel free to call, OK mate?

[SPman]

This is a question I have often pondered over. Theres been a lot covered in previous posts.
My ex wife often used to say - "Did you ever notice that I married you just after you bought the Ducati" (back in 1973)
My recent ex was also fond of saying " If you'd just given me a ride on the Duc, back in 75, things might have turned out very differently in our lives"
So there are women out there who appreciate bikes as part of their or their partners lives.
Life is all about calculating and balancing risks. You could slip on the soap and break your neck getting out of the shower. Should you give up showering because of the kids? 600 people a year are killed in/by cars. Gonna not drive because you might get hurt. Fear of a loved one being hurt or killed is always going to be there in a relationship. You shouldnt stop doing something that means something to you, or is an important part of who you are, just because of an (ir)rational fear by someone else.. Take a look at the risks, how you ride, talk thoroughly about it and get all the fears, suppositions, queries out into the open.Compromises may have to be made, but, only give up riding, if you really WANT to!If you do it under pressure or guilt, or anything else, the seeds of resentment will have been sown and can bear a bitter harvest further down the years!