Uncertain future

[Slim]

"Will you give up Motorcycling? At least until our last child has left home?" - Note that we aren't even married yet nor do we have children.

I was pleased to see that this initial foray by your "sweet" was a question & not an ultimatum, and I'm also pleased to see that you've started off the discussion & put it off until you've both got the time & the mental stability to deal with it properly without it all blowing up in your faces.



In my opinion? If it becomes an ultimatum, then ditch her. The person who loves me wouldn't make an ultimatum ... ANY ultimatum: "It's me or the bike", or "It's me or the cat", or "It's me or your family", or "It's me or your friends" ... you get the idea?


Here's a thought. Time you spend out on your bike should equal time she gets to spend doing something she likes, on her own, for about the same sort of money.

It's a little worrying that she wants to spend all your free time with you though. Perhaps it's that you're both still young, or that you're spending so much time working, or that your relationship is still new, but I'd seriously encourage her to be doing something for herself and possibly by herself, but certainly not with you as an appendage.

[Motu]

When our first child was born we decided I was only going to work a 40hr week,so I could have the time to spend with my kids,we also weren't going to hand out our children for care during the day - so we have been on a single low income for 23 yrs,this has put me into a totaly different socioeconomic bracket than is generaly acceptable in this day and age,it's tough,but you make your life out of what you've got.I won't go back on my decision to be there for my kids,it's very important for my kids to know who I am - I hope I have enriched their lives,dragging them along in mine.

Deciding to slow down a bit with a child on the way (I even left a job and was out of work before she came) I got a trials bike when she was 3 weeks old,(then a sidecar at 2 mths)then for 3 yrs my wife and baby came to trials with me,in all weathers every 2 weeks,and sometimes practice inbetween.With even more kids she came to man (woman?) enduro check points and watch me do battle on the dirt track.It's a tough life for the girl who chooses a biker for a mate - choose well...

[Stinger]

Have you tried to couple biking with something that she's into ?, Maybe do something like pack a picnic and go to a beach close by both on the bike. If you can find stuff like that, then she'll probably associate good things with the bike, instead of feeling like you having a bike = you taking off and leaving her. That way you both get what you want.

[vifferman]

Here's my take on things, Antallica, some of which reiterates what others have already said.

Firstly, you're still very young. Be careful about making any decisions that could have repercussions for years to come. Obviously, you're thinking things through already, and that's good. No need to rush into things - take your time, get as much info and advice as you can before you do anything, then make the decision that seems right for you. You can even practice making a decision without actually doing anything, then think about how that particular decision feels and how it sits with you. F'rinstance, with regard to your current question about biking - pretend you've decided to chuck it in, and that you've sold your bike, and see how that feels.
By the way - my comments here about decisions aren't directed solely at your current question.

It sounds as though you've already decided to stick with "your sweet" for the long term. When two people commit to each other like this, it involves a lot of compromise, as others have already said, and a lot of being unselfish and denying yourself and your wants, for the sake of your partner. Even more of this is required when kids come along. It's not easy, but it's worth it. However, this is a bilateral thing: it will all turn to custard if it's only one of you making compromises and sacrifices for the other. Too often, relationships fail because the relationship is unequal, with one partner holding on to habits/practices/attitudes that are hurtful to the other, or one partner trying to change the other into something they're not.

You need to talk with your "sweet", and keep talking/listening to her - communication's very important.

When I met my partner, I was 19 and she was 18. I'd been without a bike for less than a year, and she had no idea how passionate I was about them. We were married about 4 1/2 years later, but it wasn't until about 9 years after that before I got another bike. It took several years for her intermittent resentment about my 'hobby' to subside, and it's taken over 25 years for our relationship to get to the point where Mrs FS has begun to share it with me, because she finally decided she wanted to. But for several years, I've been aware that my bike is basically a toy, despite the fact I commute on it, and that before we started to ride together, it was a selfish hobby. However, it is OK for a couple to have mutual interests, and interests that are selfish and independent, as long as those interests aren't corrosive to the relationship as a whole (unless the relationship isn't worth maintaining!) You need some time apart, some time to yourself, and you need to maintain your individuality while becoming part of something bigger than yourself.

Hope this helps.

[Eddieb]

Just to lighten up things a bit again, this conversation reminds me of a certain tv ad for an alcoholic beverage.

Antallica: She doesn't like bikes but

Motu: It's a tough life finding the right girl mate

Anyways, theres some damn fine advice here. It sounds like you've already used some of the best of it and talked to her about it.

[2_SL0]

Firestormer, your partner sounds similar to mine, but a few years down the track. Mrs Judderbar will not go on the back at all. At this point in time this is perfectly fine. But I hope in about 10 yrs she may well jump on the back. This is not something I will push with her at this point. I have mentioned it. That is all. She accepts bikes are part of me whether dirt or road. Thats a big enough
step for me. Its funny thought, I asked her once what is her actual reason to dislike bikes. It came down to her father always saying motorbikes are dangerous things. I dont deny they are dangerous but alot of people draw their conclusions from basically nothing.

[vifferman]

Just to lighten up things a bit again, this conversation reminds me of a certain tv ad for an alcoholic beverage.

I always ad-lib those ads, interpreting the "southern speak":

Moron#1: She's a hard road findin' the perfect woman.
(Translation: "I'm gay, and a flamin' drongo!")
Moron#2: Good on yer, mate!
(Translation: "Yer a flamin' drongo!")

The latest one - with the flamin' drongos parked on top of the ridge, where the Speights is delivered by quad bike - is mental. Notice that after all that bumping up hill, and being tossed to Drongo #2, the Speights doesn't explode in a flurry of suds. Must be flat... :spudwhat:

[Blakamin]

Notice that after all that bumping up hill, and being tossed to Drongo #2, the Speights doesn't explode in a flurry of suds. Must be flat... :spudwhat:

I thought all speights did that!

[ching_ching]

Get naked, stick on a pair of diapers and stick a dummy in your mouth.
Sneak into the house and when all the kids are asleep, surprise your wife and chase her around the house like a psycho Mr Blobby. When you catch her, tickle the shit out of her until she begs you to stop.
Then quietly whisper in her ear that you will ever act the fool to keep her... but that you won't get rid of your bike or biking.

Give that a go bro then get back to... Dr Luuvvvvvv. :cool2:

ching

[Coldkiwi]

what a great bunch of advice. I'm with the 'communication is essential' brigade because it will mean you can identify what she doesn't like about your biking and what you can do to help her like it.
My wife just found out that I was doing some rather silly speeds in the wet. She didn't really worry about me too much until then and was ok when I told her I'd take it easy - even if that was stretching the truth somewhat! But we've had a chat about it since then, agreed that doubling the speed limit isn't what I really want to keep doing and is something she REALLY doesn't want me doing and that i need to have a change of pace so it doesn't keep happening. So now I'm looking forward to getting something with a completely different focus that will avoid the high speed problem that I can still have fun on and know that my marriage doesn't have a major contentious bone in it because of my toy/commuter.
A bit of communication goes a long way. Keep talking bud.

[Paul in NZ]

Get naked, stick on a pair of diapers and stick a dummy in your mouth.
Sneak into the house and when all the kids are asleep, surprise your wife and chase her around the house like a psycho Mr Blobby. When you catch her, tickle the shit out of her until she begs you to stop.
Then quietly whisper in her ear that you will ever act the fool to keep her... but that you won't get rid of your bike or biking.

Give that a go bro then get back to... Dr Luuvvvvvv. :cool2:

ching

No, not quite my thing.... But please feel free to indulge...

Besides, Vicki would probably shoot me if I surprised her too much, she does not wake up well if you know what I mean! She damn near crippled me for snoring....

Paul N

[Paul in NZ]

I thought all speights did that!

Nope, it usually waits until the next morning before it explodes in a flurry of suds and generally from you bottom... The famous Seights splatter... nasty!

Paul N

[Blakamin]

Nope, it usually waits until the next morning before it explodes in a flurry of suds and generally from you bottom... The famous Seights splatter... nasty!

Paul N

eeewwwww... never gunna look at a can of speights the same!

[jrandom]

I don't need to reiterate all the good advice on this thread but, in relation to:

... I'd seriously encourage her to be doing something for herself and possibly by herself, but certainly not with you as an appendage.

I just have to say that Slim is a wise woman, and speaks words of truth. Heed her, or you face peril. Very perilous peril.

[jrandom]

My wife just found out... we've had a chat about it since then, agreed... now I'm looking forward to getting something with a completely different focus that will avoid the high speed problem... know that my marriage doesn't have a major contentious bone in it

Translation, a la Speights:

"CK well and truly busted. Talks fast, scrambles for compromise. Relieved to find that Bank of Wifely Patience not overdrawn too far. Yet. Certain loose-lipped KBers gonna get their thumps *real good*, particularly if they make any 'ghey cruiser' jokes in the near future."