Smile

[Bonez]

Becauce Christmas is upon almost upon us here's a few jokes to put a smile on ya dials-

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis !

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.

Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
To be able to tell if they're moving or not !

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
Both have pricks on their back.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.

[Bonez]

Oh, I forgot to mention I got these from one on Anti-Santa's elves.

[guzzi_nz]

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks. love this sorry hd riders

[Bonez]

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks. love this sorry hd riders

Where've you been? It's an oldie

Here's another-

The Mechanic and the Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it while it's running

[Bonez]

Some more

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper
or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive
anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were
driving down the road and they came around this curb and
wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told
them what happened.

The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life
signs?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his
head around the right way."

Stuff in the workshop-

Vacumn Gauge: An instrument used to measure the pressure exerted like sucking on a straw by human or machine displayed in non-metric ruler increments.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.


Why motorcycles are better than women

Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.

You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.

You can choke your motorcycle.

Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.

Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.

Motorcycles don't snore.

Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.

Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.

You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

Motorcycles' curves never sag.

New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are
equals.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.


You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is REALLY worn.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.

You love buying RUBBER for your bike when you want to go on a long and hard ride.

One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.

Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.

Motorcycles always sound pleasant.

The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.

For the racer wannabes-

QUESTION: What do you call a 16 year old kid on a fast sport bike?

ANSWER: An organ donor.

[Bonez]

OLD MAN ON A MOPED

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped ( looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads200 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

THE RABBIT BIKER

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

[NC]

Whoa

[Bonez]

Whoa

But wait there's more.

ANIMALS DON'T TALK

While riding one day, a lone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Farmer: "Dogs don’t talk."
Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Farmer: Look of shock.
Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Farmer.
Dog: "Yep."
Biker: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the river once a week to play."
Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Horses don’t talk."
Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
Biker: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

KEEP THAT OLD MOTOR RUNNING

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man - a confirmed biker, married a 23 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing.
How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one's black."

[Sparky Bills]

MATE!! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS!
Very entertaining though. Keep up the good work!

[Bonez]

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no-one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he decides he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

Of mice and elephants.

One day a mouse and a elephant were walking through the jungle and the mouse fell into some quicksand....Well he was about to go under when the elephant pulled out his massive dick and tossed it to the mouse. Well the mouse grabed ahold of this impressive rescue line and was pulled to shore. Well, a little while later the elephant too fell into some quicksand and was going under. The mouse was panicing 'cause there was nothing around to pull his friend out with. Then he ran off and returned on his SPORTBIKE with a rope. With this he easily pulled out the elephant and saved his live!!!

The Moral: If you have a SPORTBIKE you don't need a big dick!

[Ghost Lemur]

Brilliant stuff Bonez.

Keep 'em coming

[Bonez]

MATE!! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS!
Very entertaining though. Keep up the good work!

Cheers.
Just for you-

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic. So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson. After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine. He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed. "Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks."Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?" "For doing it all through the exhaust."

[Bonez]

Oh well off to the toy run. Brmmm brmmm brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Bonez]

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE MOTORCYCLES(the first two I cut n pasted the remander are original)

They need very expensive shoes.

If you're going to be gone very long, you've got to take their bag(s) with
you.

They can cut out sometimes.

Like belts, shafts and chains.

Their saddles can be hard or soft.

Breaks fade after continuous use.

Run better when given a good greasing.

Hooters come in various sizes.

Most prefer continuous monos in preferance to a stoppy.

One continues to pour money into them to keep um running well.

[Add your own here]

[Coyote]

QUESTION: What do you call a 16 year old kid on a fast sport bike?

ANSWER: An organ donor.

Thats me! (only I'm 15)