flyingcrocodile46's joke thread

[flyingcrocodile46]

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the
meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole and you're a hole behind me. You must be on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th and you're a hole behind me.
You must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his
play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand you are in the sales profession. What a coincidence ..
I'm in sales too. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he
laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would
laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman,
so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[flyingcrocodile46]

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.



1.A woman whispers, "Fuck me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:

•Short-sighted.
•Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
•Begging for it
•A recording.


2.In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

•Sex.
•Fucking.
•Enclosure.
•The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.


3.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

•Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
•Your blood-test results.
•A cab.
•Five tequila slammers.


4.You time your orgasm so that:
•Your partner climaxes first.
•You both climax simultaneously.
•The director can set up for a close-up.
•You don't miss Sportsnight.


5.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

•Strictly for cats.
•Healthy, creative love-play.
•Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
•Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.


6.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

•The best part of the experience.
•The second best part of the experience.
•A loathsome chore.
•$100 extra.


7.Your girlfriend says she's gained four pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

•No concern of yours.
•No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
•No problem--she can join your gym.
•A conservative estimate.


8.Today's sensitive, caring man is:

•An ideal to which you aspire.
•A myth.
•An oxymoron.
•A moron.


9.Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:

•Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
•Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
•Take her to the abortion clinic.
•Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.


10.A prostitute is:

•A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression.
•Someone who provides an essential service. •A cheap date.
•A valued employee.


11.A wife is:

•A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression.
•Someone who provides an essential service. •A cheap date.
•A valued employee.


12.Masturbation is:

•Sex with someone you love.
•A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
•A team sport.
•A cheap date.


13.How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?

•When she drops her nail file.
•When she goes the color of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
•When the Earth moves
•Who cares?


14.It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:

•Call her.
•Call your lawyer.
•Call your doctor.
•Call your wife.


15.Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:

•"Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
•"I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
•"You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep..."
•"Another consonant please, Carol..."


16.You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:

•An overdraft.
•A blow job.
•Her to pay next time.
•A thank-you letter.


17.You call your penis:

•John Thomas.
•Terry-Thomas.
•Massive.
•On its birthday.


18.Foreplay is to sex as:

•Priming is to painting.
•Appetizer is to entree.
•Trailer is to feature.
•A queue is to an amusement park ride.


19.The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:

•Free Lorena Bobbitt.
•Free Mike Tyson.
•Free Willy.
•Free condom with this survey.


20.During sex you:

•Haggle.
•Talk dirty.
•Talk of love.
•Talk on the phone.


21.Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:

•Outraged.
•Implicated.
•Jealous.
•A Labour voter anyway.


22.A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:

•Easier.
•Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
•Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
•A tricky defense in court.


23.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

•"I hope we can still be friends."
•"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
•"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..." •"Keep the change."


24.At what point do you put on the condom?:

•Before you go out.
•Before you pass out.
•As a party trick.
•Never.


25.You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:

•Talk through her anger.
•Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
•Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
•Ask her to put down the knife.


26.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

•Is uptight and a waste of time.
•Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
•May need glasses.
•Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[flyingcrocodile46]

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."

[flyingcrocodile46]

[flyingcrocodile46]

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already !

Q: What's transparent lays dead in the corner ?
A: A woman with the crap kicked out of her.

[flyingcrocodile46]

A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk, "Do you
have any batteries?"

"Yes." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this
way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman answered, "I wouldn't need
the batteries."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A mother is with her 5-year-old boy at the zoo when they reach the elephant
cage. The 5-year-old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says to
his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" The mom
replies "That's his trunk". The little boy says, "I know that, the thing to
the other side of the trunk." The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail". The boy
says, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the
trunk and tail." The mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs,
just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit. Two
weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant
exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the
elephant?" The dad replies, "That's his trunk." "No, behind that!" says the
kid. "Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father. "NO, in-between the
trunk and the tail!" yells the kid. The father replies, "Son, that's the
elephant's penis." The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it
was nothing." The dad replied, "Well, your mom's been spoiled."

[Ixion]

You are SO going to be infracted and PDdb

[fLaThEaD FreD]

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already !

Q: What's transparent lays dead in the corner ?
A: A woman with the crap kicked out of her.

:Bastard u made me piss myself! and you got me in trouble with the Missus

[flyingcrocodile46]

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time
he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance
further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again
encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind
a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little
Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !"

[flyingcrocodile46]

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found
it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that
it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the
outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counselled the
therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until
she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with
the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to
dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment
for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but,
by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my
compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that
fit you."

[flyingcrocodile46]

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked
Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?", asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

[flyingcrocodile46]

The joystick is still wet.

[flyingcrocodile46]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in
they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator car.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very
matter-of-factly," It looks like cum."
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through
her nose, and proclaims "Yes, and it smells like cum"
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the
puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, it's nobody from our
building."