Finances in marriage meltdown

**FJRider** · 18th October 2008, 16:58

Originally Posted by Maha

Sure....I agree with that. But only when the situation is dire.
If its a case of...''we dont love each other anymore'' then it shouldn't get any tougher on either party than it already is. Yes, get advice...(but not from Kiwibiker, we only go on our own story's) No one has actually answered his question fully, just given their opinion (yes even me)

Things get DIRE real quick ... when you amically agree to things. Then she gets a Lawyer...when a "friend" tells her she could/should get more... then you get to pay more than legally required...because YOU AGREED...

**alanzs** · 18th October 2008, 17:00

To repeat what has already been said before: Talk to the best lawyer you can afford before you do anything. It cannot hurt to know your rights, it can only help.

When I contemplated getting divorced, the first thing I did was talk to a lawyer to find out what my rights were. We ended up divorcing without using a lawyer, but only because I knew my rights and SHE KNEW I KNEW THEM as well. Popped her little fantasy of keeping the kids, the house and me paying her forever. Best $200 I ever spent.
Hang in there and try to think LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG term, as you have kids.

**slofox** · 18th October 2008, 17:02

When we split we sold everything and split the proceeds - which was the very easy way to go. But then the kids were up and gone by that time and the split was reasonably amicable....mostly...Because we agreed on everything, there was very little money lost - we applied for a divorce, after the required period apart, via the family court. Cost a couple hundred dollars (can't remember exactly) but was wayyyyy cheaper than using the legal eagles. They will suck out as much juice as they can get. Better to arrange it yourselves if you can be civil enough to each other to wade through it. Best of luck anyway - it is not the easiest of times.....

**sinfull** · 18th October 2008, 17:16

I honestly hope it goes as smoothly as when my wife told me she had enough !
Well told is the wrong word, i got home and her, the kids and everything in the house was gone (except the home brew in the garage) She rang and told me she had left me (hello state the obvious lol) and that she would leave selling the house to me ! Ten minutes later i was on the phone to a real estate, 24 hours after she had left we had a buyer, at 48 hours it was signed and sealed, at 49 hours i was at my mates place getting a bridging loan, 56 hours after she left me i was riding a harley hahaha god she hated that, it was brilliant !

So many of my friends have had the hell bitch fights to have their kids !
Amiacable is always easier but like someone has said, even talking to a lawyer is worth a couple hundy just so you know ya rights !~

**Mom** · 18th October 2008, 17:17

Originally Posted by Bytor

I see that there has been a few topics on here regarding marriage/relationship problems that have made interesting reading. Without going into detail, my marriage is apparently over and my wife has asked me to leave. We have three small children who are my main concern, however I have a question regarding finance. If I leave do I have to pay all the mortgage on our house? We have a joint mortgage, I work full time, my wife works part-time one day a week so doesn't earn very much. As it's a joint mortgage would I have to pay half of the weekly amount or the full amount as she is not earning enough? Just trying to do some figures and it looks like I'll be screwed if I have to pay the full amount. Also what about bills on the house, rates, power, water, phone or will that be her responsibility?

Thanks

Hey Bytor, sorry to hear about this, very sad, specially with little children involved. My thoughts are with you as you go through the endless (at least that is how it feels at times) steps in the process of dissolving a marriage. I will respond by PM in detail, but the essence is what ever you pay out to maintain the family home/lifestyle will be factored into any agreement that is made to settle your joint assets.

For now find yourself a safe place to stay, as a priority organise your contact with your children. Use a friend (or someone like me) to liase between you and your wife as to the best way for both of you to have time with them. Somehow rise above any emotions you have regarding the end of your marriage (almost impossible I know) and put your kids feelings first! Kids are the innocents when things like this happen.

Take care of yourself, I hope you have some good mates around to help you through this. Have a Mom hug for good measure

**Naki Rat** · 18th October 2008, 17:44

Originally Posted by FROSTY

sorry mate um being serious here for a mo. I disagre with charging into the solicitors office right away.

No apology required. I was being serious, to a point. Like many who are putting their opinion in on this thread I have also been there, done that. Fortunately there were no kids involved in my case.

There are a bunch of assumptions going on here regarding whether the relationship is recoverable or toast already. If mediation / councelling is likely to get things back on the rails then that is definitely the way to go for everybody's sake.

But if the relationship is unrecoverable then enlisting the services of a solicitor should be at the top of the to do list. The same advice that is being offered to Bytor here will be almost certainly duplicated by the advice given to his wife by her well meaning advisors, and THAT is how things go pear shaped. Things tend to esculate fast and often a good solicitor can be a moderating influence rather than adding fuel to the fire.

And from advice from my solicitor at the time "the encumbant" (living in the family house) partner goes into the situation with an advantage.

Always sad to hear about a relationship bust-up so best wishes for what will be a bumpy ride for a while. You will however come out of the other end knowing who your real friends are and aren't, and some of each will be unexpected.

**The Stranger:Me** · 18th October 2008, 17:49

Originally Posted by Naki Rat

But better to deal with her blood sucking leech using your blood sucking leech !

Not got any experience with relationship splits (re lawyers) but have dealt with heaps of cases due mostly to commercial construction.

One thing stands out loud and clear.
If ANY party is unreasonable the lawyers get rich.

ANY dispute that can be resolved sans a lawyer will be resolved far cheaper.
And man do lawyers LOVE people with principles - they get fucken rich off of them.

Cost me $45,000.00 in legal fees to resolve a dispute on my house. Cost the others around $200,000.00 in legal fees and compensation all for something they could have resolved on day 1 for $10,000.00 - the catch is they would have had to be prepared to see reason and accept responsibility for their actions. Fat chance of that aye.

**kevfromcoro** · 18th October 2008, 18:03

just a thought...got to the citzens advice beuro(cant spell) ......
i got a lawyer for 15 mins for free.....

**Grahameeboy** · 18th October 2008, 18:07

Originally Posted by Bytor

I see that there has been a few topics on here regarding marriage/relationship problems that have made interesting reading. Without going into detail, my marriage is apparently over and my wife has asked me to leave. We have three small children who are my main concern, however I have a question regarding finance. If I leave do I have to pay all the mortgage on our house? We have a joint mortgage, I work full time, my wife works part-time one day a week so doesn't earn very much. As it's a joint mortgage would I have to pay half of the weekly amount or the full amount as she is not earning enough? Just trying to do some figures and it looks like I'll be screwed if I have to pay the full amount. Also what about bills on the house, rates, power, water, phone or will that be her responsibility?

Thanks

My ex had an affair and told me to leave..6 weeks I slept on sofa and she left...

You have to think with 3 kids how are you going to have a big enough place to look after you kid when you have custody....another issue...tell her to go to her Mums..she wants out she goes out...simple...sounds harsh but this is only the start and you get no favours for being nice when marriages break up..I was nice just bloody stubborn

**Winston001** · 18th October 2008, 20:45

Ok I do know what I'm talking about. Firstly, its good to see so many people offering advice and sympathy. We probably disagree with each other on some points but every relationship is different and the personal stuff varies.

Even decent ordinary people separate. Not everyone is a bitch or a bastard. Track your own course in this, lots of separations are amicable once the sadness softens.

Originally Posted by _Gina_

Whoever choses to stay in the property is liable to pay a market based rent, then, once this amount is deducted from the cost of 'ownership' of the property, you are both liable to cover half the remaining cost each.

Good post. Notional rent (which is the term for what Gina refers to) is the fairest way to sort out the mortgage, rates, insurance, and house maintenance.

Just FYI however, the law is unclear on this point. There isn't a hard and fast rule written down anywhere. Different judges have ruled the occupier pays everything, or the parties split equally, or notional rent as above. That means different lawyers will take differing views = arguments.

**Bikernereid** · 18th October 2008, 20:56

Make you keep records of all conversations and as much as possible, also keep emails etc as you may find they come in very handy if things get nasty which they can do.

If you haven't done anything to ruin the marriage wjhy the hell should you leave you are not splitting the family she is so she should move out. I do not know the laws in NZ but have seem a mother leave the family home as the dad refused to leave - mother didn't want kids but wanted the house (mother having an affiar with her boss)!! If you want the kids fight for them! !

For sure MAKE SURE YOUR KIDS KNOW IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT AND THAT YOU BOTH STILL LOVE THEM- will help to mitigate any psych issue they may have later.

Get a good lawyer but make sure they don't drag things out of you may get doubly screwed!!

**Winston001** · 18th October 2008, 20:56

I don't know your situation but strongly recommend counselling. You get three free sessions as a couple, paid for by the Justice Department. That can be extended to six.

If you have been asked to leave it might be because your wife feels she has reached the end of her tether. She thinks some space is needed between you. Women take a long time to reach this point so you may have to do a lot of listening to let her get things off her chest.

Maybe its too late - but unless you also want to separate, you should try to heal this situation. We guys aren't good at expressing emotion and communicating - which is why counselling is valuable.

I suggest you talk to one or two good friends/family. This is a tough time and guys tend to bottle it up, be staunch. No good. Find someone who will listen, not someone who will call your wife names and suggest revenge.

And never stop loving your kids.

**Winston001** · 18th October 2008, 21:02

Unless the tension is too high and hurting the children, try staying in the house for a while. It's your home as well, you don't have to leave.

Talk to your wife - which probably means listening to her. It doesn't mean what she says is right - but if she thinks you are listening, maybe that will open doors for both of you.

**1 Free Man** · 18th October 2008, 21:04

Originally Posted by jrandom

Aside from that, my only real advice is:

Engage the services of a good solicitor.

Immediately.

And, trust me: It might be hard to fathom at this moment, but in due course, you will be happier than you have been in years. This is a positive step.

OMG I find myself having to agree with mister random.
I got the realestate people in myself and got the house on the market.
Fortunately for me the kids had all left home. The house was freehold and there was, for me, no going back.
The shitstorm will clear and, as mister random has said you will be happier than you have been for years.