Why men cheat.

**RC1** · 13th February 2009, 10:57

Originally Posted by FROSTY

Sometimes a guy gets number one prime high quality beef at home .
Yet occasionally he hankers for a tunafish sandwich.

and at the mo for me the tuna sandwich is much better then the beef

**MisterD** · 13th February 2009, 10:58

**The Stranger:Me** · 13th February 2009, 12:31

Originally Posted by jrandom

I don't think human nature allows the majority of people to do that without having their primary relationship substantially affected. Always better to be up-front about things, even though it takes a lot of balls to do so.

Takes a lot of balls? Are you sure?
That's the soft option. That's the easy way out.
That's going hey, that promise I made - it doesn't matter. Those vows, what the hell.
How many times do you hear dad's pissed off at being unable to affect their children's upbringing due to their mother not working with them - a lot. So you are copping out on your kids too, like it or not.

Now to be sure this is NO reference to you or your specific circumstances some of which you know I know as do you mine - it is a general comment that I see it frequently.

Originally Posted by jrandom

I don't think anyone in this thread is claiming to be a saint. But a lot of people have learned from experience that trying to run multiple relationships at once in secret tends to end in tears.

Sure it does, often.
Though there was going to be tears anyway.

**The Stranger:Me** · 13th February 2009, 12:33

Originally Posted by vtec

Great thread. Read every post.

Me personally. If I was in a relationship with someone, I would never cheat, I would never make threats to break it off, if it gets to the point where I'd do either I'd just break it off. Nice clean cut, no messing around, and do all the emotional damage at once to keep the fighting to a minimum. But then my last serious relationship burnt out all my vast stores of tolerance.

With regard to Carver's thread - I take it you are younger than 40 and have no kids yet?

**jrandom** · 13th February 2009, 12:43

Originally Posted by The Stranger

Takes a lot of balls? Are you sure?
That's the soft option. That's the easy way out.

Easier than zombie-ing along in a dead marriage? Yeah, probably, in some ways.

But, then again, you only get one life to live, and sometimes you just gotta admit that a previous commitment was a mistake. Nobody's perfect.

So, yes, given the choice between giving up on a commitment that didn't work out, and living in misery and/or living a lie... which is the lesser evil? I say the former.

Shades of grey. Everyone's gotta make their choices. But I do think that lies and deception are never justifiable. I know that some people disagree with me on that, probably due to different experiences. Hey, their karma is theirs, mine is mine.

Originally Posted by The Stranger

That's going hey, that promise I made - it doesn't matter. Those vows, what the hell.

You put it pretty glibly... the attitude you describe there is reprehensible, yes, but I do think that admitting failure, so long as it's done openly and honestly (and not over-hastily) can sometimes be the more courageous and (in the long term) more productive option.

**MotoGirl** · 13th February 2009, 13:59

Originally Posted by jrandom

Easier than zombie-ing along in a dead marriage? Yeah, probably, in some ways.

But, then again, you only get one life to live, and sometimes you just gotta admit that a previous commitment was a mistake. Nobody's perfect.

So, yes, given the choice between giving up on a commitment that didn't work out, and living in misery and/or living a lie... which is the lesser evil? I say the former.

I couldn't agree more! I give far more respect to the people with the guts to leave the relationship and acknowledge that it isn't right.

Okay, ideally we all want our marriages to last forever and we want to live to a ripe old age and be that cute old couple still holding hands, etc. Hell, if we're really lucky we might even be bonking in our retirement

Realistically though, people change and grow apart. Sometimes, they should never have got married to start with (my parents, for example). No one should be condemned to life in a loveless relationship so it can be a real blessing when the relationship finally ends.

Some couples are bloody stubborn and think that living as friends (or effectively flatmates) is making their marriage successful because they haven't separated.

**The Stranger:Me** · 13th February 2009, 14:00

Originally Posted by jrandom

Shades of grey. Everyone's gotta make their choices. But I do think that lies and deception are never justifiable. I know that some people disagree with me on that, probably due to different experiences. Hey, their karma is theirs, mine is mine.

I thank you for your input. As is usually the case you do make good argument. However, I must agree to disagree.

I feel lies and deception are reasonable and justifiable in some circumstances if they are for the benefit and or protection of those you love and are charged with caring for in short, ignorance is bliss. The big difference here is I am prepared to tell the truth.

I could show you many (3 that I know well) instances of people who have raised successful well rounded children and are still married to their original partners (for between 22 and 50 yrs) despite actively - in one case EXTREEMLY actively, engaging in "cheating".
In all cases the guys credit at least part of their successful marriage to thier extramarital affairs.
Ironically, their marriages are rock solid and their kids secure. Can we all say that?

I suspect it's that old over 40 open mindedness coming into play here, anyway - that's it from me.

**ManDownUnder** · 13th February 2009, 14:16

Originally Posted by The Stranger

I suspect it's that old over 40 open mindedness coming into play here, anyway - that's it from me.

I concur - judge less, learn more. It's always easy to criticise what you see, but it's interesting how often an opinion changes once all the facts are known. Walk a mile in a man's shoes... THEN see what you think of him.

What about killing someone which would carry a charge of Murder. Is that ever justifiable? Under any circumstance? What about theft of a bike - a really hot topic in here. What do you do a bike theif? And same goes for sleeping with the hubby or wife of someone else.

Quite often it's not simple black and white...

**nadroj** · 13th February 2009, 15:30

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

**FROSTY:Me** · 13th February 2009, 15:44

Ya know the problem with generalisations is they are just that.
Sometimes of course an affair can be the shock that a relationship thats drifted into indifference actually needs. Sometimes its the rod that breaks the camels back.
Ya know what gets me (outsider looking in ) is the number of people who buy new clothes, start going to the gym.etc Basicly in general flash themselves up AFTER their relationship falls apart.

**Cynos** · 13th February 2009, 15:57

tbh, if you're unhappy in a relationship, leave. Waiting until you find someone better is lazy and dishonest.

**ManDownUnder** · 13th February 2009, 16:04

Originally Posted by Cynos

tbh, if you're unhappy in a relationship, leave.

True - tell that to the guy married to a woman with Alzheimers... leaving her is the right thing to do ... right? I mean sure during her lucid moment she'll be dumbstruck with greif for her illness and lack of support, and he'll be torn between the love and dedication he feels for her, and the slow agonising existance he faces also... but Cynos said to just blow it away for the sake of unhappiness.

... problem solved!

Thank God for clarity - I didn't realise it was so simple...

**Number One** · 13th February 2009, 16:34

Originally Posted by ManDownUnder

True - tell that to the guy married to a woman with Alzheimers... leaving her is the right thing to do ... right? I mean sure during her lucid moment she'll be dumbstruck with greif for her illness and lack of support, and he'll be torn between the love and dedication he feels for her, and the slow agonising existance he faces also... but Cynos said to just blow it away for the sake of unhappiness.

... problem solved!

Thank God for clarity - I didn't realise it was so simple...

You've been watching Shortland Street haven't you