How to help a friend in need?

[Crasherfromwayback]

Last night I called his best friends in Ausie and the UK. They all gave him a call and told him there cared about him. It seems that has helped greatly over the night and he hasn't tried anything. I have called his family to alert them of the situation and the frame of mind he is in. They are getting someone from the mental health unit to come around today to visit him.

You're a star, and doing everything you can do. He's lucky to have you as a friend.

[motor_mayhem]

KP,

Unfortunately you can only help them as much as they want to be helped. Just don't get dragged down in the process. As others have said, something to focus the person's attention on is good.

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" and "Work is therapy" spring to mind.

Disclaimer: there are more articulate characters present than me

[Grubber]

Hi Katie,

I've PMed you, but you cant do this. If its got this bad, your friend needs to be seen by the mental health unit asap. He or his family should have all their details and they will be in contact with him immediately someone lets them know. They do an amazing job (well the Wairarapa unit does) and will get your friend in the right place to keep him safe and alive. Alert them now as it sounds like hes in a pretty bad place. You are doing the best possible thing you can as a friend by letting the right people know. You know where i am if you need a shoulder or a hug. X

After dealing with someone in this predicament before for some years i would have to say that the above is very good advice.
There is only so much one can do and then it gets a little beyond your capabilities to be honest.
Get him to the professionals and stand by him as he goes. Trust me you won't be able to fix this on your own.
My friend who suffered expressed themselves through anger and it never solved anything. The professionals came along (after some convincing i must say) and this person has lived a relatively unscathed life ever since.

[86GSXR]

Oh man, I really feel for you both. I've been through two suicides and it can be one, if not the single most devastating thing that can happen to both the person involved and to those that are there for them, especially if it's prolonged. Which it normally is.

Obviously it's vital that your friend gets intervention immediately, as you're doing. If he's made three attempts already, then in my experience he's in a extremely dangerous place. Each attempt serves to accustom the person to the reality of being dead, it's like a horrific practise run. Afterwards there may appear to be a peace of kind, but you can never take this for granted. It's as though they have accepted the inevitable and are just storing up the courage for the next attempt.

I intervened dozens of times for a friend. On one occasion she was committed. This bought her three more years but in the end it was not enough. The health services are good and can probably save him, but what is also needed is intensive support from family and friends. My friend lacked this and I couldn't be there all of the time.

Do you know that attempting suicide is grounds for compulsory detention? It may seem harsh but it could be a blessing. It depends on how he reacts to it. At the very least, it will give you some relief knowing he is not alone. If he's young there is a good chance he'll come through this.

I really hope all involved get through this and it's really important for you not to shoulder the burden, you must look after yourself as well. It will be a long and exhausting journey with no guarantee.

Get support for yourself as well as your friend, everyone is in this with you.

[avgas]

I find when I have hit the darkest times in your life, you lose all control - go into autopilot if you will.
Trick is for someone on the outside to keep that autopilot flying straight, while stuff you can in front of you give you goals.
It can be as simple as a coffee every sunday - to talk about something new.
But the autopilot has to be kept running, has to be told what to do in the meantime. Otherwise the crash is the final note.
Sorry for the metaphor stuff in here - but its the only way I could explain what went on with me.

So its a contrast, you have to be firm with the logical side, and loving to the emotional side. As the brain has a conflict, trust me - the only reason why your friend is still alive is due to the logical side.........but the emotional side needs to find a balance too.
best of luck.

[Gone Burger]

After a bit of investigation, it seems the my friend is drinking again, and back on some drugs - and these - of course - are mixing terribly with all his medication. I'm not sure what drugs he is taking, but assume its what he use to use in the past, Ecstasy, speed. This is a recipe for disaster I know, and as a result has become aggressive.

I had a long chat with his father this morning, who does not know me very well - only via phone contact. I have been friends with him for about 12 years, and unfortunately he has always kept his personal life very separate from his home life. I didn't actually realise what a toll this is taking on his family. His father has admitted that he is out of control, and its tearing their marriage apart, as they both approach things differently. They are constantly on the receiving end of abuses from their son, and they feel that they can't actually handle him, and his actions. This is where the professional help steps in, and assists them.

He is 30 and working in an industry (like myself) that is a toxic environment to be in and around on a daily basis. So many factors are working in here, and contributing to this situation.

I feel a little relieved today, knowing that help is on stand by for him, and that everyone that needs to know is up to date, and all in the same situation. As many of you have said, if he doesn't want to accept help, sometimes there is little you can do until they can see things a little differently. He really is a funny creature - and I can see why not many people "get" him - or understand him. Hence why he leans on me so much for support I imagine.

[CookMySock]

I spent a few years marvelling at how I got through the days. Some people you can help directly, and many others you should not try to, rather leave it for someone with a qualification lest you fuck it up irretrievably.

I certainly would not be attempting any "good ideas" with the individual you refer to. Put him in the hands of the professionals, and just look after yourself. Even once he's out of professional care, I'd be pretty careful about what I said or did.

Many times you just have to let things go and make the most of your own life. You don't owe your entire self to people - you are entitled to your own happy and fulfilling existence.

You can't fix the world.


Steve

[Eyegasm]

I spent a few years marvelling at how I got through the days.

Steve

With all your brilliant advice, I am still marvelling at how you are still here. Lady luck eh?

[Milts]

With all your brilliant advice, I am still marvelling at how you are still here. Lady luck eh?

Not so sure this is the time/place.

Good to hear that 1) he made it to today ok and 2) you're staying in contact with the family. It must be hugely difficult trying to help while being so far away. I suspect that what you have been doing up until now (contacting family, ensuring professional help, staying in contact) is probably about all you can do at the moment and is certainly more than some would. You can only hope it turns out well.

[duckonin]

With all your brilliant advice, I am still marvelling at how you are still here. Lady luck eh?

Back up a bit matey, the man admitted to having had a hard time for a few years, of the few I have know who have had the misfortune of varying depths of depression not one of those would wish it on any other in this world that I am sure..

[Genie]

Oh sweet Katie....not a nice place to be in at all. I have no helpful advice. This is one tricky situation and all i think all you can do is be the friend you are.

We are all responsible for our own actions. Some can accept this, some don't. Remember you are not responsible for the choices he makes.

I wish I could say some magical words that makes it all better...I can't but I can listen and hold your hand, should the need arise.

[Gone Burger]

It has been a rather rough day indeed.

My friend is extremely unstable, and I have managed to find out that it is P that he is taking, on top of his medication. This would explain all of the aggression he has been showing towards me, and his family.

After not hearing from him for 24 hours, not knowing if he had tried to harm himself etc.. I sent him a text just to say that I was thinking of him. For the next hour he sent extremely abusive, and very hurtful messages to me and has asked me to never contact him again. I keep telling myself, and know this is only because he is so unwell, and on this awful drug, and nothing to do with me or my actions. But after all that I have seen him through (and the only friend who has) I can't help but hurt.

Only one other person has ever said that to me in my life, "I never want to hear from or see you again", and I made sure it happened. That was a similar situation with a friend who was being physically abused by her partner and I called the police. To this day, I have not seen her again. She meant every word of it, and this seems to be a case of dejavou for me.

So it seems that there really is nothing more I can do for him, but wish him luck, and hope that he can do this alone. He has a hell of a long road to recovery ahead of him, and a very unpleasant one at that. To not be able to drive around there and sort it all out in person is very tricky, with the only contact I have with him being the phone, or facebook. I can only hope that his family will keep me updated on his progress.

Best of luck buddy, but I just can't be your main support anymore. I need that strength for myself.

[Crasherfromwayback]

Good on you. No need to take that kind of abuse no matter how low he is.

[2wheeldrifter]

You have done what you can, the rest is up to him. You do have your life to lead as well and you must also take into account what toll this is taking on your own health.
You can hold your head high that you gave it your all to help him.

I think you have done the right thing... time for you to step back and let it be.

[Murray]

You are a wonderful person and anyone should be grateful to be able to call you a friend.

I wish you well and he is the one who will be all the worse off for breaking ties with you!!

All on KB respect you for what you have done and tried to do - take pride in that and keep positive