Serious question for the males on this site

[jrandom]

I am... often mistaken for a violent person.

People are so unfair.

My comment does not offer advice but perhaps support. Yours?

I was responding to you, not Wendy.

The simple answer to her original question is that some men are thoughtless, selfish bastards, end of story.

giving support or advice

Wendy wasn't asking for either. She was asking for insight. A subtly different request.

[Beemer]

Years ago I was interested in motorsport photography and this guy from the camera club I belonged to arranged to take about half a dozen club members up to Manfeild with him to cover one of the race meetings. I went along and afterwards he invited me to his place to go through my photos and offer constructive criticism. He was a bit pissed off that my photos were good and there was not much he could offer that would improve them, so from then on I arranged my own entry into the race meetings and didn't ask for his advice. I also started selling my photos and that didn't thrill him either!

The club meetings were in Oriental Bay and afterwards several of us would head to the cafe across the road for a coffee. One night he walked back to my car with me as he was parked nearby, and when I said goodnight he leaned over and kissed me. I was horrified because not only did I not particularly like him as a person, I was definitely not attracted to him! He is one of those quite old-fashioned looking pale guys with bad dress sense, a thick beard and scruffy hair - ugh! I can't remember what I said to him but I made it pretty obvious he had gone too far and I was not interested.

A few months later I was talking to some people and he was there too, and I mentioned a really cute Finnish rally driver (Toni Gardemeister - yum!) I'd met at the Rally of NZ and this creep said "but I didn't think you liked men". He obviously thought that because I didn't fancy HIM, I must be a lesbian! I just looked at him and said "of course I like men, it's just that I am fussy!"

Last I heard he was still living at home with mummy - he's in his 40s - but after that incident he started hitting on other young women in the club and I think he was either asked to leave or given an official warning. Creep!

[Mrs Busa Pete]

You know no one answer my question i have had some very good advice offered and i thank you for that.

But i still would like to know why men feel they can take it bit further than they need to. Is it testosterone i mean this guy made me feel very uncomfortable in the office at times.




And jrandom i am far from sexy so that couldn't be the answer. But you have got the guts of my question.

[sinfull]

But i still would like to know why men feel they can take it bit further than they need to.

I think you will find this guy is a controll freak !!! If you know any ladies that have gone out with him, or even guys that know him away from the office ask them what he's like with a little alcohol in his system ! Bet you will find him to be pushy to the point of frightening (to a lady alone at his place)

Or he is just a half wit who thought thought if he kept trying you would weaken and accept his offer !

[MyGSXF:Me]

But i still would like to know why men feel they can take it bit further than they need to. Is it testosterone i mean this guy made me feel very uncomfortable in the office at times

Sounds like typical power & control shyte! (Probably wasn't allowed to suck on mummy's boob long enough as a toddler! )

[sinfull]

St St St Stutter

[ManDownUnder]

You, him and someone he respects (someone in power, branch manager?)

Sit down. Spell out in uncertain terms what you see is going on, and the fact it is GOING TO STOP. Reinforce the fact this could be escalated, and will be if it doesn't stop... it's his choice.

To answer the original question, it keeps going because the line between "keep chasing me... I'm playing hard to get" and "No, I'm serious - you're a pain in the arse" are very blurred - always have been. It's a matter of interpretation and some interpret it VERY differently to others.

A clear signal needs to be issued that even that dumbest arse will pick up on (outlined above).

Should that signal not work, then formal harrassment action needs to be taken.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

You, him and someone he respects (someone in power, branch manager?)

Sit down. Spell out in uncertain terms what you see is going on, and the fact it is GOING TO STOP. Reinforce the fact this could be escalated, and will be if it doesn't stop... it's his choice.

To answer the original question, it keeps going because the line between "keep chasing me... I'm playing hard to get" and "No, I'm serious - you're a pain in the arse" are very blurred - always have been. It's a matter of interpretation and some interpret it VERY differently to others.

A clear signal needs to be issued that even that dumbest arse will pick up on (outlined above).

Should that signal not work, then formal harrassment action needs to be taken.

So me telling him if he was the last man on earth i would make sure i had a supplie of cucumbers wasn't blunt enough.

[ManDownUnder]

So me telling him if he was the last man on earth i would make sure i had a supplie of cucumbers wasn't blunt enough.

To be honest - for some... no. Not many are that bad, but the problem is it's still worded like a joke. I've gotten myself into trouble a couple of times through my use of humour to diffuse a situation when a black and white statement with some grunt behind it was needed.

[Al]

It is a difficult situation to be in Mrs BP.
I am an OHS Mnager and we have strict anti-harassment policies in place to deal with discrimination, bullying, intimidation and sexual harassment. The gubmint also has an anti discrimination commission and the support from them is fantastic.
Pity that you were placed in that situation without the support from management though.

Take care

Al

[MyGSXF:Me]

So me telling him if he was the last man on earth i would make sure i had a supplie of cucumbers wasn't blunt enough.

No, a guy like this would think of that as a kinky come on!

MDU has got it.. you need to tell him in very clear, precise no nonsense language.. getting straight to the point that you will NOT tolerate this harassment any longer & if it doesn't stop, you will take further action.. ie: the Police

[Colapop]

The way I see it, Wendy, you have a personality that is quite open and refreshing. A good sense of humour and a quick mind. Obviously this guy is drawn to that. He can't see the signs or hear what you're saying because of his attraction.

"Why do guys have to take it too far?" Yes, it is a male thing but your question is too general. Obviously not all guys are like that, he has certain throwback ('50's) qualities about his behaviour. I would think it's quite common in real estate that men are quite forward (go-getters perhaps?) the kind that don't take no for an answer? The industry itself has a concentration of guys like that. Why do guys take it too far? Because they think you're "just a woman". No insult intended to you or any other women but there are guys who are still like that.

[CookMySock]

But i still would like to know why men feel they can take it bit further than they need to. Is it testosterone i mean this guy made me feel very uncomfortable in the office at times.

Boys are tryers. They are always going to try it on, and sometimes it gets unwelcome.

Look, tell him straight up that you don't want to fuck him, and really you feel quite uncomfortable about it all, and some days you don't want to come to work because if it. I think you will find he is quite shocked at this explanation, probably because he had no idea about how you really feel.

It is easy for boys to think girls are feeling fine, when they are NOT... and it's easy for girls to think guys should just GET IT, but in all fairness a concise explanation is really what he needs.

Never be afraid to tell a boy to "get it", and offer him a full, frank, and concise explanation on exactly what the problem is... and EXPECT him to get it.

If he aint gunna get it, then call in the cavalry to deal with him - not your problem.

It's all a bit unfortunate really.. what girls REALLY would like ALL boys to not be interested any more ? at all ? No ? I didn't think so. So it's hard for them to call it too.


DB

[GaZBur]

So me telling him if he was the last man on earth i would make sure i had a supplie of cucumbers wasn't blunt enough.

Well obviously not because it implies there is something wrong with you!
Whats wrong with you?? Have you no taste as he is obviously in his mind a sex god.
It would have been better to say, "thanks, lots of men find me attractive but the way you come on really is a bit creepy, you should work on it!"

[CookMySock]

The way I see it, Wendy, you have a personality that is quite open and refreshing. A good sense of humour and a quick mind. Obviously this guy is drawn to that. He can't see the signs or hear what you're saying because of his attraction.

This is often, and easily misinterpreted as "I like you", rather than him seeing this as "just who you are". Please carry on being your bubbly self - the world needs more of you.

Why do guys take it too far? Because they think you're "just a woman". No insult intended to you or any other women but there are guys who are still like that.

I think that is an unfair and dangerous statement. I think many (90%?) guys simply don't get it - and that's all. I didn't get it for so long, until I was TOLD. I honestly didn't know the harm that I caused. It was hard for her to speak up, but she did, and so must all of you ladies. I was horrified to discover what mayhem I had caused.

There are few real haters like this out there, and certainly none that I know personally that would carry such a mentality that colapop suggests.

If he is NOT going to get it, then you should get some professional support pronto and get him processed. Nasty, but not your problem.

DB