Finances in marriage meltdown

[jrandom]

counselling... your wife feels... space is needed... you should try to heal... Find someone who will listen, not someone who will call your wife names and suggest revenge.

Seriously, man, what the fuck? Stop clouding the issue.

We all go through that 'try to heal' bollocks at first, but it's important to realise that it's just a part of the process of realising the truth - you're well rid of the bitch.



(Not to mention that there are many more fish in the sea - way hey hey!)

try staying in the house for a while

Oh, Jesus H. Christ. What are you on about, man?

Get the fuck outta Dodge. Mate's couch. Beer in the fridge. Freedom. Peace.

And never stop loving your kids.

Finally some good advice. And never underestimate how smart the young 'uns are - even preschoolers can smell a rat at fifty paces, and if you play fair by them, they'll play fair by you. Don't despair, and don't hesitate to 'go legal' in the Family Court if the bitch tries to keep them away from you.

Kia kaha!

And, like kevfromcoro just said, feel free to PM any of us, any time, if support or a chat might help.

[Chickadee]

Really gutted for you guys, you know where we are if you want an ear or a bed away to chew over things. Sent ya a pm with our contact details.

Bigs hugs
Christine

[1 Free Man]

I honestly hope it goes as smoothly as when my wife told me she had enough !
Well told is the wrong word, i got home and her, the kids and everything in the house was gone (except the home brew in the garage) She rang and told me she had left me (hello state the obvious lol) and that she would leave selling the house to me ! Ten minutes later i was on the phone to a real estate, 24 hours after she had left we had a buyer, at 48 hours it was signed and sealed, at 49 hours i was at my mates place getting a bridging loan, 56 hours after she left me i was riding a harley hahaha god she hated that, it was brilliant !~

Geezzz man what took you so ferking long.
Didn't muck around did Ya. She was probably pissed at the fact that you got it all done so quick.LOL
Why is it that the motorbike seems to be the final insult to them!!?? same shit for me. My Ex dishwasher hated the fact that I bought a bike and a fourwheel drive and a new house and moved on very quickly without her.

[ynot slow]

Reiterate what everyone says here about the kids,you MUST get through to them it isn't their fault,no matter what anyone says.And to back that up don't tell them their mum is shit or anything bad about her,if she does say shit about you it will bite her on the arse.

Try to sort out amicably,as if she has the kids guess what she will have legal aid in most cases,you (like me) won't if working,so her lawyers can drag it out.

Keep paying the mortgage but change you're bank account,or get you're wages paid into a different one to a joint one,but put money into it to cover the mortgage,ya don't want it to turn to crap.

She might listen to reason until her folks here what you want etc,then lawyers usually appear lol.Don't cut off you're nose to spite you're face,if she can buy you out or vice versa for a reasonable amount do it,no sense in selling a house for $25000 below value/mortgage owing,and owing the bank say $10000 each.

The big thing is try to talk and make a settlement that suits.

And remember you pay for kids till they're 19(and at home),a long time if it happens when kids are 7 or so(like me).Tell the kids you love them,spoil them,took me almost 9 yrs for my oldest to get to being close as we were years ago,but she recognises it now and harbours no ill feelings to both her parents partners.

Best of all speak to a trusted friend if you need to get some shit out of the system,tough it out and the world will seem better.Try to not dwell on the past.

[henry]

Check this link out. If you can't work out a something between yourselves this is what the government will MAKE you pay.

http://www.ird.govt.nz/childsupport/...s/calculation/

If she gets stupid about money just point her at this. You don't have pay any more than this.

If you can work something out, ie she doesn't claim family support, then the IRD wont get involved.

As far as lawyers go, they are a waste of money. Just remember you don't have to do anything that you don't want to and the law ALWAYS favours the kids.

[MyGSXF:Me]

There is a really good FREE course that is available through the Family Court.. & I'm sure Barnardos & Relationship Services offer it as well.. it's called

"Parenting Through Separation"

It runs over 4 (? IIRC) weeks for a couple of hours or so a week. You do not have to attend the same course together. It covers issues around how to still be good parents, whilst going through separation/divorce/new partners etc. Everyone in the room (there were 6 of us on the course I did) is in the same boat one way or another.

There are a couple of dvd's that you can get (also free) which cover the course topics as well.

Having been through this all, twice.. I thoroughly recommend being "pro active".. rather than "reactive".

[scumdog]

DON'T trust common sense or amicability, emotions rule at this time.

Stick with logic, don't give in out of guilt and most of all keep it low-stress with the kids, it's NEVER their fault.

[Midnight Special]

Well i have a headache just reading all that ! im just starting all the lawyer family court crap now.. my husband took my 6 year old son after calling the armed defenders out to arrest me fun fun came into my home with nothing is trying to take everything includeing my son , oh and my bike dont froget, im not going to play nice at all. and only because he took him while i was being taken to cops is the reason he has him at his parents house and i cant get him shoot him ... god if only !

[Bytor]

Hey thanks for all the feedback, support, PM's and offers of help, they are much appreciated
My question yesterday was regarding finances if she stayed in the house and I left, however we have talked since and it is clear that if we do split up then the house would have to sold as neither of us could afford it. She agrees that I could not afford mortgage, rent, child support and living expenses on top - oh well at least she's thinking of my well being! Just to clarify, we are not at each others throats, not rowing and the children are being loved by both of us, so it is not at the moment a hostile, unpleasant environment. Our famillies are both in the UK, so we have no immediate support network to fall back on which makes it difficult but also means that she needs me for help with the children.
I will at this early stage be pushing for counselling even if it is to help us through the seperation - she refuses to consider it at the moment saying its a waste of time. She also wants to put the children first which is a good sign but I know what she can be like and she can change direction quicker than a Duc 1098, so I will seek legal advice to avoid going down the whole drawn out court situations - neither of us would want this but I will do anything to protect the children and me if I have to!
This journey started a few months ago and we have tried to reconcile our differences, but whereas I'm still trying she has given up. So for the time being I'm staying put as there is no immediate reason to leave. Hopefully we can work something out and keep things amicable - ha ha I know there are a few you you out there shaking your heads at that bit but hey miracles do happen.

[Maha]

Just to clarify, we are not at each others throats, not rowing and the children are being loved by both of us, so it is not at the moment a hostile, unpleasant environment

Good stuff Bytor, if it can be kept that way then most of what happens over the coming months should be easier for all concerned. I went down this very path in 1999. I am non confrontational by nature and perferred it that way, so did my ex. Some days were hard but if you can keep it on an Adult level then power to ya mate...

[ynot slow]

Sounds promissing,especially the part of family not here,sorry but they can stuff simple settlements up,my ex's did,we had almost reached agreement over the home,but her folks stuck their noses in.Then lawyers,family court hearing,ended settling to end it basically,now my eldest realises what her mum did financially she has a slight disdain to her mum,not that I bagged her mum,my girl just asked how come I didn't take say her bed,furniture etc as she thought I was entitled to half of all things.Told her what sort of wanker would I be to do that to you kids,she said but the tv,video,furniture,fridge,freezer etc you left mum all that,you were able to take half surely,I reiterated you kids would have been the losers,if no tv,didn't need a freezer.

Tell you what though you will be a better man afterwards,will take time to realise it.

[Chickadee]

Hope you guys get counselling as you mentioned, keep on working at getting an amicable settlement (either getting back on track or separating) and nice to hear the kids come first for both of you.

[Robert Timco]

Bytor, per above do it straight away !! call solicitor.... do not leave the house for any extended periods, like oh I will go and stay at my parents house and we can have a break, no. Call Sandi Anderson, she is in Ponsonby, and she is very good, she is who my ex wife used. Get to a pro, straight away, I can assure you, you won't know what it was worth until it's all gone. You are in the drivers seat as you have the income, block any access she has to your accounts. Fair is fair, but not where you are going now, it's ugly it's sad and it is expensive, so cover your ass etts. Canada (EX NZ) Rob
ps.. a good solicitor in Milford on the main street off Shakespere road think it's Mcqade ?? across from Milford Mall .

[jrandom]

Hopefully we can work something out and keep things amicable - ha ha I know there are a few you you out there shaking your heads at that bit but hey miracles do happen.

Well, good luck with that.

Just bear in mind that the oh-so-very-stable woman you're still hanging around with can turn your life into an instant hell with a single phone call and false accusation made to the Police.

Are you that positive that you will never get upset and say something which pisses her off enough to do it?

The only safe and logical route for you right now is to get the hell outta there, and get the help of a lawyer to draw up paperwork that clearly lays out the material and financial position for the separation.

You're playing with fire if you do anything else. Good luck, once again, but it seems to me to be a very dangerous route to take.

[Maha]

This journey started a few months ago and we have tried to reconcile our differences, but whereas I'm still trying she has given up. So for the time being I'm staying put as there is no immediate reason to leave. Hopefully we can work something out and keep things amicable - ha ha I know there are a few you you out there shaking your heads at that bit but hey miracles do happen.

The first sentence has substance.
It reminds me of freind I had in Rotorua....he and his wife were having trouble, He left for a short while, then went back for 12 months to give the marriage another try....he said to me after that 12 months '' what a waste of a year of my life''....

No im not saying this will be the outcome of your marriage, but if your wife has given up? mmmmmmmm its over dude!!!
Start thinking about your future and how you can best deal with the pending situation.