Young death - Donations

[ynot slow]

Unfortunately his parents have more say over his final resting spot than you,assuming he hadn't told his folks he wanted to be in Auckland or wherever,and I doubt he would've,not many young kids think about death,let alone make plans.Keep positive.

[Waxxa]

You take care out there and don't worry,we won't forget, we've made offers of assistance, those offers stand for as long as you need or want them.

This is true...offers still stand

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika it felt good to read your post today because for some unknown reason I felt more reasured that you where coming through this that you have found the strenght as we all knew you would. It is going to take time but you will get there one day at a time.

My offer also stands when and if you want it. Take care love.

Wendy

[caseye]

Morning Anika, fine weather at last, hope you get some time outside with that little fella. Connor. Hope things are getting a litle easier to accomplish, we're just a pm or phone call away.

[Conquiztador]

Been following this thread.

Anika, it becomes clear that you are a so much stronger person than you ever knew. From a place inside, that you did not even know that was there, something is growing and keeps you going.

Your messages on here are starting to have a small ray of light in them.

My whole life I have lived by the motto: "Giving up is not an option". I know it is not for all. But you can join my exclusive club anytime, as your prospecting time is over and you have proved to your self (as it is the only one you will ever have to prove anything to) that you can do anything!

And it goes w/o saying that same applies here as from all others: Anything I can do just ask.

[alexm]

oh man really I sound like I'm doing better?I guess im quite good at putting on a brave face. I don't cry or show I'm sad around anyone now(except on the net). I keep it to myself.But then I go to bed everynight at 1 in the morning and cry so much from the realisation that this is actually my life, that he's not coming back no matter how much I wish or dream it. I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. Everything gets so much worse with everyday. It doesn't get easier. The day he died atleast I got to kiss him and hug him that morning, I got to hear him tell me he loved me. Now its been a month without any of those things.
I know people say you can move on and love again and maybe that is true but what is not true is that there will be another Alex. He was truly one of a kind, and somehow although we both had quite different personalities they complimented eachother, and when we were alone we became the same person, reading eachothers minds, always knowing how the other was feeling. I got up everyday for him, I lived for him, he bought hope and happiness into my life. When I was packing up the house I found throughout the living room little pokemon figurines from when Alex was younger hidden in random places throughout the living room. He put those there when we moved in for me to find just to make me laugh. He was that kind of person. He was immature and crazy but in such a hilarious way and always to make me laugh. Who else is gonna do something stupid like that just to make me smile? Who's gonna tell me everyday all day how beautiful I am, stretch marks and all?Who's gonna txt me every half hour of the day to ask how I am, how Connor is? Who's going to tell me about fifty times a day how much they love me?Who's going to give me such a beautiful, genuine smile? Who's going to come home from work and lift me into their arms even when I'm 6 months pregnant? Who's going to put their head on my pregnant belly again and tell our child how much he can't wait to meet them?Who's going to be with me every minute of the day and still be able to talk for hours and hours? Who's going to massage my head every night to make me fall asleep and then hold me in their arms? Who's going to wake up next to me, holding me,telling me how lucky they feel to wake up next to me? Who's going to be the most amazing dad to Connor?No one.No one can ever and will never. He was my everything. He was my life. I don't want to get over this grief, I don't want to get over him, I don't want to have to settle for someone else and second best when I had the perfect life. I don't want anyone else to hold Connor and be his Daddy. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.I can't believe my beautiful Alex is gone. I can't accept it.I don't know what to do anymore.The one person who could make me feel better no matter what is the one whos gone

[Mrs Busa Pete]

oh man really I sound like I'm doing better?I guess im quite good at putting on a brave face. I don't cry or show I'm sad around anyone now(except on the net). I keep it to myself.But then I go to bed everynight at 1 in the morning and cry so much from the realisation that this is actually my life, that he's not coming back no matter how much I wish or dream it. I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. Everything gets so much worse with everyday. It doesn't get easier. The day he died atleast I got to kiss him and hug him that morning, I got to hear him tell me he loved me. Now its been a month without any of those things.
I know people say you can move on and love again and maybe that is true but what is not true is that there will be another Alex. He was truly one of a kind, and somehow although we both had quite different personalities they complimented eachother, and when we were alone we became the same person, reading eachothers minds, always knowing how the other was feeling. I got up everyday for him, I lived for him, he bought hope and happiness into my life. When I was packing up the house I found throughout the living room little pokemon figurines from when Alex was younger hidden in random places throughout the living room. He put those there when we moved in for me to find just to make me laugh. He was that kind of person. He was immature and crazy but in such a hilarious way and always to make me laugh. Who else is gonna do something stupid like that just to make me smile? Who's gonna tell me everyday all day how beautiful I am, stretch marks and all?Who's gonna txt me every half hour of the day to ask how I am, how Connor is? Who's going to tell me about fifty times a day how much they love me?Who's going to give me such a beautiful, genuine smile? Who's going to come home from work and lift me into their arms even when I'm 6 months pregnant? Who's going to put their head on my pregnant belly again and tell our child how much he can't wait to meet them?Who's going to be with me every minute of the day and still be able to talk for hours and hours? Who's going to massage my head every night to make me fall asleep and then hold me in their arms? Who's going to wake up next to me, holding me,telling me how lucky they feel to wake up next to me? Who's going to be the most amazing dad to Connor?No one.No one can ever and will never. He was my everything. He was my life. I don't want to get over this grief, I don't want to get over him, I don't want to have to settle for someone else and second best when I had the perfect life. I don't want anyone else to hold Connor and be his Daddy. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.I can't believe my beautiful Alex is gone. I can't accept it.I don't know what to do anymore.The one person who could make me feel better no matter what is the one whos gone

Anika you are going to far ahead love just one day. I for one am not saying you are going to meet someone else and have all that again that is way to soon to be even thinking about and you are going to be still hurting it does not go away over night not even in a month.

Take care love
Wendy

[Sharry]

Anika you have described such a beautiful relationship, Alex was a wonderful person and you may never find another Alex as we, including yourself, are all individuals that can never be replaced.

I am relieved to see you talking in a way that puts your death in the the distant future. The feelings you describe are normal and natural :hug:

Just manage one day at time sweetie, don't think too far ahead at this time.

:hug:

[ynot slow]

Had to think about really saying far worse words than You don't want cancer.Because it is not always a death sentance.

[caseye]

Anika, hello, your doing Ok , truely you are. People you know perhaps even just people from here may have said some of those things to you, or around you.
Sharry is right, no one who has kept in touch and listened to your words and replied to you has said those things, we at least do know that no One can or will ever replace your Alex.
While it hurts to hear your cry for him, it also makes me a littel less concerened for your well being in the immediate future.
I'm sorry, but what you are going through has happened before, again it;s normal to feel this way.
You need to really really know that too, I guess thats why we keep saying, one day at a time girl.
Not one of us expects or wants you to forget that wonderful guy, we do want to know that in due course you will as you have been doing find a way to come back to the present and take life on fully once more.
There is no time limit for that to happen in, but ultimately it is what we hope for , for you, Connor Alex's family and your friends.
Take care and as always, remember we;re only a keyboard away, till you need or want something we can provide or do for you.
Mark.

[alexm]

Does anyone know Harley's (the guy who witnessed the accident) contact details? I've been wanting to talk to him about the accident. serious crash unit could take a while to have a report and i really want to know exactly what happened or I keep wondering about it

[Dutchee]

The person's nickname is "HARLEYC".
You can do a search for him using the search post and send him a PM. Hopefully someone will be able to come up with a real phone number or something else so he can contact you.
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=108174&page=3
is where he posts about seeing Alex's tragic accident.
Best wishes and we all still think about you often. The offer of a shoulder to cry on is still there if you need it. You are doing better than you think and it's still going to take plenty of time. As others have said, one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead or you'll hit a wall.
Lots of love
Michelle

[alexm]

I did message him on here but I think he only joined for the purpose of writing about what happened to Alex

[PrincessBandit]

There will never be a person to replace Alex, just as there would never be a person to replace you Anika. When my best friend lost her 3 month old baby she was told by some wellmeaning people to try and have another baby as quickly as possible to fill the void that her son left - she was horrified. And rightly so. There is no way one person can ever replace another, and I don't think anyone here would mean to say that to you. At this place in your life it is completely understandable that you cannot contemplate anyone else at your side. Just by being here each day, writing, sharing with us, looking after your wee boy is a major achievement and not to be discarded as trivial or unworthy.

You may not feel your life has any value or meaning with your love gone but that is not true. Your family, friends and people here who have never met you in person are only a pm or call away if you need.

[Nasty]

Does anyone know Harley's (the guy who witnessed the accident) contact details? I've been wanting to talk to him about the accident. serious crash unit could take a while to have a report and i really want to know exactly what happened or I keep wondering about it

He will receive you PM via email ... so if you pop in it your contact details i am sure he will be able to respond. Although properly not by PM ... give him your email address or phone # ... he is a good guy.

[JimO]

I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.

how about you think of your child, your life isnt over neither is his

[alexm]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

[Nasty]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

They are generally that way because they don't know ... they don't know how it is to loose half you soul ... they don't know that its bloody hard to breath let alone think about a way forward ... they just have no idea ... and that sort of thing happens a lot ... you have to learn to live again .. and that in itself is just fucking hard ... you have to learn how to get thoughts out through the mire that is happening in your brain ... and learn how to be you again without the benefit of your complementing partner ... its hard ... but its a path that a few of us have been on ... we are here to support you to do that ...

[boman]

They are generally that way because they don't know ... they don't know how it is to loose half you soul ... they don't know that its bloody hard to breath let alone think about a way forward ... they just have no idea ... and that sort of thing happens a lot ... you have to learn to live again .. and that in itself is just fucking hard itself ... you have to learn how to get thoughts out through the mire that is happening in your brain ... and learn how to be you again without the benefit of your complementing partner ... its hard ... but its a path that a few of us have been on ... we are here to support you to do that ...

You took the words right out of my mouth. Qudos to you.

[JimO]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

get some help, for your childs sake

[Maha]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you


What jimjim said is probably along the same lines of what I would have said, I haven't posted in here for a while, you seem to have good and bad days (thats to be expected) but to say what you did seems very self centered. Some people can wrap you in cotton wool for only so long. Have good hard look at/and think about what you said to envoke the response from jimjim, he wasn't out of line.


''I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death''

You came up with that after all the encouragement that has been said in this thread?

I really hope the sun shines for long periods upon you soon...

Mark

[Conquiztador]

how about you think of your child, your life isnt over neither is his


What jimjim said is probably along the same lines of what I would have said, I haven't posted in here for a while, you seem to have good and bad days (thats to be expected) but to say what you did seems very self centered. Some people can wrap you in cotton wool for only so long. Have good hard look at/and think about what you said to envoke the response from jimjim, he wasn't out of line.

I really hope the sun shines for long periods upon you soon...

Mark

There is enough sad reality in Anika's life to break even the best of us. I know she will get out the other end. When that happens I have no idea. She is an intelligent girl who realises that her son needs her. But the plan was to do it together with her man. Now he is gone. And that is a huge shock. There are those of us on here who are prepared to support her as long as it takes. By doing what it takes.

To the ones who can not understand that, please show respec and leave this thread alone as you are not helping.

[Tink]

I have never lost in love.. but I know what it is too loose someone I loved... you know you are strong for Connor & Alex... by just being.. but also be strong in the sense you had the most amazing bloke, even for just a short time... many never get that.

I said to my mum once "be glad you had that 37 years... i will never have that long"...

Be angry, be sad..and everything you need to be...hug yourself so hard it hurts.. never wish anything but there is a reason... to be you.

Beautiful, passionate, a mother... and loved by Connor.

[caseye]

Anika,you concentrate on getting through each day as best you can and at the end of each day you sit down relax, cry, sleep whatever it takes to get to tomorrow.
Getting help is relative, by now I'm sure that if you'd needed actual physical help you would have asked for it, either from family and friends or from those of us here who have told you we are here and are willing to help.
Please don't wast your precious time replying to negative comment, even if it was intended in some way to actually snap you out of your present situation and make you think further ahead.
That time will come all by itself, for now you keep telling it like it is and worry about you first, then Connor then whoever and whatever else there is to worry about.
Thats the order of things and I beleive you are doing fine and despite wanting to stay where you are and keep the memory flaming in your mind it will never go away so relax a little,hug that little fella and tell yourself, self we're doing Ok.
See ya tomorrow.

[alexm]

again..thank u all who are supportive..u dont know how much it means to me you understand, even those of u who havent lost your spouse. its so awesome there are people who think calling someone who lost their partner 5 weeks ago self centered is gonna help somehow..yea thanks maha that made me feel better.you know what??Now I dont want to die anymore!Now my whole world is ok despite the fact the love of my life is gone. Because I totally didnt realise I was self centered for wanting to leave my son before. But again thanks to u and jimjim for just making me feel that much worse..oh what?u were trying to help?you know all about grief?your experts..oh wait no i didnt think so. Nasty, yes you are right they dont know and u know what I didnt know either until this happened to me.I certainly know I would never call someone like me self centered though. And yes I should just ignore them but it gets to me on top of all the shit im dealing with

[caseye]

Dealing with shit aye? good for you, seems to me that though the level rarely changes the consitency might be thinning, just a bit.Keep saying it like it is Anika, here in this thread you can say whatever you want, it's up to those of us who reply to you, how we do reply and what we say.
You take from those replys whatever you need to keep on keping on.Proud to see you standing up for yourself and not just yelling and lashing out, you handled this well, go girl.

[Zuki lover]

He was your world, it is understandable that you feel like ending it to be with him, and that life is not worth living without him, but you do have a child - a part of him left with you, and for that little child, you need to find the strength to go forward and make him proud of his daddy.

Unless you have experienced the death of a close person, it is not something people can comprehend. The loneliness is unbearable.

Life is a journey, and unfortunately none of us know how its going to end or when. You are doing fine girl, you will have good days and bad. But do it for him. :hug:

[Genestho]

Keep ya chin up poppet.
Quite often people say or advise things - trying to mean well.
Friends do it too.
Eventually you learn to smile, nod and agree for their benefit, and let it fly over your head.

Because you know - god (or something) willing, that they can't feel the depth of pain that you do, it never goes away, your future, hopes and dreams as you rightly imagined would always be there - were taken and buried.

You're allowed to feel like sh*t, and you're going to feel like sh*t often, I'm sorry to say - for as long as it hurts you, and because it hurts, it means you loved him.
Those times are when you need to reach for friends and family to help with Connor.

You will learn to manage it, and sometimes you just don't. And that's ok. :) That is no reflection on who you are.
You are a different person now.
Keep walking your journey. :hug:

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika hope thing are a little better today love and you got through another night. You know you really are amazing and as Rocketgal68 Said
Be angry, be sad..and everything you need to be...hug :hug: yourself so hard it hurts.. and don't waste your time with the likes of jim jim and maha leave them to there own sorry lives. Take care love and don't forget i'm here if you want a hand.:hug:

Wendy

[JimO]

. and don't waste your time with the likes of jim jim and maha leave them to there own sorry lives. Take care love and don't forget i'm here if you want a hand.:hug:

Wendy

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

[caseye]

jimjim, the sad thing here is that all of us here includung Anika know that Connor is her most important concern.Anika is coping well, very damnd well all things considered,just 4 weeks after losing her life companion Alex.
Others have come here taken the time to read all the posts,made their comments and or offered their help.
We here have encouraged Anika to tell us everything she is feeling, to tell us who's doing what and why and most importantly to know that everyone of us who has stayed with her here in this thread is willing and able to actually go to her and offer our help in whatever way is pracitcal for her.
I red repped you for your first attempt here, I stand by my comment to you, if anyone has the right to simply say it as it is Anika does right now.
We(as in most of us here) believe that Anika is quickly establishing herself again and we are very, very pleased to see the way she is coping with lifes curved balls, given what she has just been put through.

[PrincessBandit]

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

Most of us would agree that Connor - a completely dependent helpless babe - needs to be uppermost in Anika's concerns right now; but having said that if she is struggling to cope with her own problems then it is a case of "the head understands, but the heart is unable to comply". Time will change that.

I am sure that Anika will one day realise that everything she is feeling right now, no matter how hard it is to cope with, will make her into a different person (hopefully better, stronger, determined) than she ever thought possible. And I am also certain that when she gets through this dreadful period she will know that it was the right thing to stay and bring up her and Alex's precious son.

There can be no time limit put on the grieving process. While it can look selfish to an observer, Anika will know in her heart where that boundary comes between the necessary "self introverted" time needed to adjust to her new life situation and the time to put her focus into how she is going to live and bring up Connor, putting him before her own needs.

Once you have children you can no longer put yourself first, but to take a staggering blow like she has means that that priority gets skewed and needs time to get back on track.

[Genestho]

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

I know what you were trying to do. But you're a bloke, speaking practically.
Men and women experience emotion and grief differently, men get on and do stuff. Also it is very hard with a young child, you just want to run or die.
Eventually you realise it's not possible, and start to understand and cope, day to day.

Grief is selfish.
You have a fog for the first year, the brain doesn't work clearly - you can't even contemplate other peoples (perceived) problems.
Inside you are cold.
It is like having someone with their foot on your back holding you down.
You're hard pressed to even cope with decisions. Or right and wrong choices.

You have to remember it has not been long at all for Anika. Grief slows time down.
While I don't think about my loss all the time, there is still not a day that passes, without me thinking about it in some way even if only to reflect on how my kids have grown.
This is Anika's journey. And she is brave enough to share her emotion here.

[DreamRunner]

I haven't lost my life-partner but my aunt did. One day, my uncle just suddenly collapsed and died, leaving her with three young daughters, age 6, 8 and 10. It's horrible and terrible when people we love are taken from us too soon. But you need to keep holding on. I know it's hard, but there are people around who love you and want to help you. Life is tough and grief is so difficult, but you can't give up. Keep on fighting. Be the best mum that you can be to your gorgeous little boy, and don't be afraid to ask for help. If it's getting too much, let some of your friends and family know, I'm sure they will be happy to look after him for a while. Keep going strong. Each day will get easier, I promise. One step at a time, you will make it through the tough time and you will be okay and so will your son. Keep holding on. Tell your son about his father and make sure he knows always what an awesome, amazing guy he was and how he always wanted the best for Connor, and would've been there every moment if he could.

Here's one way you could look at it, if you wanted to... Look forward one day at a time. Just get through today. And once you've done that, focus on getting through the next day. You don't need to think to next week, next month or next year. Just focus on today. When you wake up in the morning, judge how you're feeling for that day. Think to yourself how do I feel today? What do I need today? What will help me get through this one day? Some days will be harder than others. Some days you may start to feel happy again and others you won't want to get out of bed. I've not lost my life partner but I've been through some rough times and this stratergy helped me through. Just focusing on getting up and out of bed in the morning. That's task one. Then eating. Task two. Having a shower. Just little steps, little milestones. One step at a time. Focus on what you can do, need to do and want to do right at that moment. I don't know if that would work for you but I know it helped me a bit, you could try that if you liked.

Please don't give up Anika. Find something you can hold on to, if you can. Maybe it's your son, and the thought of him growing up, knowing all about his father and being proud of who he is and who his dad was, doing things his dad would've wanted him to do. Or maybe it's something closer than that. Maybe it's thinking forward to summer, and taking Connor to the beach and paddling his feet in the water for the first time. Maybe it's feeling the water swirling around your own toes and the sand warm beneath.

Find that one thing that you can hold on to, that image. And then focus on making it through each day, one day at a time, until you can get there to that point.

I'm not trying to tell you that this is the way you should go about it, because you may have your own way of dealing with it but it's one suggestion, if you'd like to try.

[alexm]

DreamRunner, no I completely get what your saying. And when you're grieving that really is the only way you can get through things. I try to live one day at a time, but constantly find myself thinking about the future and how many more years I have left without Alex..it just looks so bleak. My son really is all thats keeping me here right now. When I feel down or get bad thoughts I look at him and hold him.I love him so much but my love for Alex is equal to that, although maybe more because we had an intimate relationship whereas Connor is a responsibilty. Not that I regret him ever, I love him, nor do I regret meeting Alex, even if I have to go through all this pain. I am grateful I ever met someone who gave me so much and unconditional love..but its just so wrong we don't get the rest of our live together. Its been hard looking after Connor and seeing him grow up, watching him smile all the time, laugh for the first time, and "talk." Its hard because I know Alex isn't there to experience that with our family..Now when I see him laughing or being cute I burst into tears sometimes because Alex isn't there, and I so want someone to share these things with..I want him to have his dad. I want to be able to enjoy him and behappy to see him grow up instead of hating it because then he will be someone Alex never knew, I won't have any memories of us all together like that..same goes for me, I don't want to grow older and change from the person I was wth Alex.Its so hard to explain..

[Her_C4]

Its so hard to explain..

You don't need to - until you are ready and have the right words and the right moment.:hug:

[DreamRunner]

No, I completely understand what you're saying. It makes complete sense :) I'm pretty sure I would feel the exact same way if it were me. When my uncle died, it was hard because there were so many things he wasn't there for. My three little cousins didn't have their dad anymore, he wasn't there when they got their first boyfriends, when the oldest went to her first school ball this year, when they started intermediate school and then high school. But he lives on through all of them. They carry so many of his traits and his personality, it comes out in different ways in all three of them. I'm sure there will be lots of things Connor does when he's older than reminds you of Alex too, and that's a really special thing to have. It's really horrible that he can't be there but you can find him in Connor too. I don't know if you believe in god and heaven but I think my family found it easier to believe that my uncle was watching down on them and was a part of everything, was looking after them. His spirit carries on through the people he left behind, the way people talk about him and continue to remember him, how people tell stories of the funny things he did, how he'd be so proud of his daughters. You can keep Alex's memory alive through the stories you tell your son and the things you share with others about Alex. I'm sure other people will have stories they can share with you about him too :)

I know that life looks bleak without Alex now but carry Alex with you in everything you do. Carry him in your heart and remember him always. Whatever comes next for you in life, take Alex with you on that journey. I promise there will be new adventures for you and your son, even though it might not feel like it right now. Keep holding on for your son. Maybe it would help to think about what Alex would want you to do if he could talk to you? Would he want you to keep going, keep pushing forward? Would he want for you to raise his son as best you can? It's okay to cry when you're upset, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd be worried if you weren't crying. It will get easier though. Over time. Just keep taking it one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. You're doing amazing so far :)

[Tink]

constantly find myself thinking about the future and how many more years I have left without Alex..it just looks so bleak. My son really is all thats keeping me here right now.



Your future as was seen "was with Alex" never say you left it.. or it looks bleak.. but think how Alex would want you to think...




When I feel down or get bad thoughts I look at him and hold him.I love him so much but my love for Alex is equal to that,


I can say you love Alex more forever... connor is a part of Alex.. that love is equal.



although maybe more because we had an intimate relationship whereas Connor is a responsibilty.



Connor MAY feel like a responsibilty... I can say I feel that way now... I will tell you why one day... but that will change.. and I think you know that.




Not that I regret him ever, I love him, nor do I regret meeting Alex,


There you need to stop.. there is no need to explain your love...



even if I have to go through all this pain. I am grateful I ever met someone who gave me so much and unconditional love..but its just so wrong we don't get the rest of our live together.


And here the healing will one day start...



Its been hard looking after Connor and seeing him grow up, watching him smile all the time, laugh for the first time, and "talk." Its hard because I know Alex isn't there to experience that with our family..


I love hearing this... "our family"... unconditional.. good on you.



Now when I see him laughing or being cute I burst into tears sometimes because Alex isn't there


But you are... and silly as all may say... Alex will be too... in Connor.




and I so want someone to share these things with..I want him to have his dad. I want to be able to enjoy him and be happy to see him grow up instead of hating it because then he will be someone Alex never knew, I won't have any memories of us all together like that..same goes for me, I don't want to grow older and change from the person I was wth Alex.Its so hard to explain..



You should never justify or explain yourself... its like writing a diary... when we need to be.. .we just are!

[Genestho]

No, I completely understand what you're saying. It makes complete sense :) I'm pretty sure I would feel the exact same way if it were me. When my uncle died, it was hard because there were so many things he wasn't there for. My three little cousins didn't have their dad anymore, he wasn't there when they got their first boyfriends, when the oldest went to her first school ball this year, when they started intermediate school and then high school. But he lives on through all of them. They carry so many of his traits and his personality, it comes out in different ways in all three of them. I'm sure there will be lots of things Connor does when he's older than reminds you of Alex too, and that's a really special thing to have. It's really horrible that he can't be there but you can find him in Connor too. I don't know if you believe in god and heaven but I think my family found it easier to believe that my uncle was watching down on them and was a part of everything, was looking after them. His spirit carries on through the people he left behind, the way people talk about him and continue to remember him, how people tell stories of the funny things he did, how he'd be so proud of his daughters. You can keep Alex's memory alive through the stories you tell your son and the things you share with others about Alex. I'm sure other people will have stories they can share with you about him too :)

I know that life looks bleak without Alex now but carry Alex with you in everything you do. Carry him in your heart and remember him always. Whatever comes next for you in life, take Alex with you on that journey. I promise there will be new adventures for you and your son, even though it might not feel like it right now. Keep holding on for your son. Maybe it would help to think about what Alex would want you to do if he could talk to you? Would he want you to keep going, keep pushing forward? Would he want for you to raise his son as best you can? It's okay to cry when you're upset, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd be worried if you weren't crying. It will get easier though. Over time. Just keep taking it one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. You're doing amazing so far :)

Lovely Post. Amen :)

Also Anika, just thinking what Rocket Gal said, about this being like a diary, I hope you print this out one day. I never kept a journal, kinda wish I had now. This will be your measure. Maybe one day you'll read this and be blown away by how far you have come. :hug:

[caseye]

DreamRunner, thanks, you've shown Anika compasion and understanding,you've also got her to let out some of the stuff that was choking her up, cheers for that.
Hey Anika, sorry for talking about you when your'e here.
Seeing your reply to DreamRunner tonight made me smile, just a little mind.
Your'e doing OK.
We're here if you want, sleep tight.

[jamiey]

Hey Anika. Hope you are still holding up well. If you ever need a ride down to Tauranga let me know. I live quite close to you and would be quite happy to run you down for the day to see Alex. PM me if you ever need an trip down. Kia Kaha.

[Sharry]

HI Anika, your posts are showing great maturity and strength. I do believe that you will carry Alex with you during your life and although the memory of your relationship will sometimes be very difficult to remember without tears at other times it will carry you through and help give you strength :hug:


I can relate to what DreamRunner has said to you, use what you find useful and take anything you don't find helpful as well intended but not for you. We are all different in how we view life and process information, and you can only grieve in your own way.
This is a place where you can share how you feel, no matter how that looks.
I do hope you are sleeping better and managing to take one step at a time during the day.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika sorry for not coming on yesterday i had one of those days that things just overtook me and i didn't achive anything.

But what more could i say that hasn't been said in the last 5 or 6 last post :2thumbsup.

Take Care Love

Wendy

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika how are you today. Hope you have a good day with the sun shining I was out helping a friend get there house ready to go on the market and now i'm buggered. Which is a bit of a laugh because i'm doing the Auckland 1/2 marathon in the morning. Keep your fingers crossed for that i get to the bridge before cut off. Take care love and give yoursel and Connor a cuddlle from me.

Wendy

[Sharry]

Hi Anika, I do hope you got the chance to be out in the sun and distract yourself with some of natures beautiful pleasures this weekend :hug:

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika how are you today. Hope managed to get some time out for your self this weekend and i also hope you gave yourself one of those tight hugs.

We had quite a busy weekend so i'm glad it's monday so that i can just chill out. Take care and remember i'm here if you need anything.

Wendy

[snuffles]

I know, i am not usually the caring type, but can we all please be careful with what we say to this young women in reagrd to anything. Grief has its own way of working through people. we are not experts and we would probably handle the situation differently if it were us, or not.

Having been through this sort of thing myself, I suggest we keep our opinions to ourselves.

please

[nana_mac]

get some help, for your child's sake

People like this are not worth knowing,they shouldn't even be posting accusations like this one. One day they will loose a loved one close to them,perhaps then realization will be understood.
The support that has been offered on here to you has been tremendous and genuine as some of us have lost loved ones close to us and fully understand what you are going through. I for one still grieve my son's death. I miss him terribly. Kb 'er that care are the most supportive group I have ever known, stay with them Alexm at the end of the day these people will still be there for you and support you. Take care. :hug:

[XxKiTtiExX]

I don't think jimjims intentions were ever to be a "jerk" despite everyone thinking it was. He just seems highly concerned for the sake of the child involved, and rightfully so. Connor needs his mother. Its not a personal attack against Anika. And its certainly not a comment coming from someone who just "doesn't know" how it feels.

Yes we all grieve differently, some take longer than others. Sometimes we never fully "get over" our loss, we just manage to find a new sense of normal that gets us through the day.



Chin up Anika. xx

[Gmears]

I have been following this thread every day, Alex was my son and I am shattered ,devastated and deeply saddened by the sudden death of my beloved son.
I have been really impressed by the support that the kiwi biker community has been offering for Anika.
I was sad when Alex left his appenticeship in Tauranga and shifted to Auckland , I tried to encourage him to stay in the Bay of Plenty, Alex and I were having a lot of fun together in my new house and I had recently imported a muscle car from the states and we were having a blast crusing around the mount. I am gutted that I didnt make a bigger effort to see Alex when he shifted to Auckland and deeply regret not travelling more to Auckland to see Alex and Anika and especially when Conner was born.
Alex was a lot of fun and Anika must have had a lot of fun together during their nearly one year together and I am deeply saddened that conner will not get to see what an awesome father he would have been.
Alex spoke to me prior to shifting to Auckland that he wanted to buy a bike , I tried in vain to dissuade him but he would not listen , when he told me in September that he got his bike license , I was worried and did not have a good feeling and like Anika would have done asked him to be carefull !.
I never thought that I would have to deal with the greif that I now have every day, I think about it all the time and suppose I will carry this for the rest of my life, I miss alex a lot, he was the only child who txted me recently to wish me a happy fathers day, when I go to Alex`s bebo page which is every day I see a part of me as well, a lot of his tastes in music and films are stuff that we enjoyed together , some of his favourite photos on there are from events that we went to together.
After listening to Anika talk about how Alex treated her with love and respect I could see that he had some really good qualities , it sounded like he really knew how to treat his partner .
I have a really supportive partner which has been good for me in the dark times that I have been having, I try to focus on my work ( I have recently lost my job so Im trying hard to re-establish myself)
I have been able to get back into my gym training, dance lessons and swimming, its not easy ,as its hard to focus, hard to enjoy music and laugh again.
Its hard to believe that I will never see Alex again , I think back when I was 21 and I have lived so much during that time, Alex had so much to live for and Im devastated that I will not enjoy those years with him and his family.
I dont suppose the pain will ever go away

[Dutchee]

Mr Mears, sorry for your loss.
You have a handsome grandson, who, one day, will want to know about his dad, and that is something to be grateful for.
Sorry to hear about your job, as well. Sounds like a real tough time for you, but hang in there. What sort of work did you do?
Again, condolences.
Not really sure what to write, without sounding either condescending or insincere.
Welcome to KB, though :) (wish it were under better circumstances).
Michelle

[caseye]

Welcome again to KB, and thanks for letting us know that there is someone else watching this thread eveyday who is as sad and concerned as we are for Anika and Connor.
I have three teenage daughters, I don't know if I could cope with losing anyone of them, I salute your fortitude and strength in being able to read this thread everyday, it must hurt.
Please accept our collective good wishes for youself and now that you;ve said hello and come into this thread, please accpet our freindship and support for yourself also.
Anika hasn't been on for a day or two, but all things considered I'm not worreid about that, I believe she will be doing what is necessary to keep herself and Connor going throughout the days ahead.
The support lent here to Anika is now also lent to you, don't hesitate to say whats on your mind and never, don't ask, if it can be done it will be, there are people here willing and able to help out in any way needed.

[alexm]

Hi Caseye, I do check this thread everyday too..Even if I don't post anything up,its nice to know there are people out there who care at a time when I feel so alone..I went into Alex's work yesterday and it felt so strange driving there without him (he lost his licence for 3 months not so long ago and I drove him there everyday) and felt so weird to be visiting when he wasn't there. Last time I went there when Connor was 6 weeks old and Alex loved showing him off, he was such a proud dad. So yea I still read all your guys posts, and thank you, but I am trying not to post up what I'm feeling anymore for a few reasons; fear of beig judged by those who don't understand, appearing to be a sefish mother, and mainly because most of my thoughts are pretty bad right now and I don't want the police to be rung again..All I'll say is I can't believe I've gone 6 weeks without seeing my love, I miss him so badly and ache for him,especially at night and can't sleep without him. I have nightmares about what happened all the time and I can't look at Connor smiling and feel happiness, only cry that Alex isn't here to see it..The only thing that makes me happy is that when I show Connor Alex's photo, (I got a big one printed off for Connor to look at, I show it to him throughout the day) Connor gets a huge grin on his face and I just hope in some way he remembers his father who loved him so much and would be doing a much btter job than I am

[spookytooth]

Bringing up kids and going thru the shit feelings you are feel is fucking hard,been there done that.Wish i could give you some sort of advise,but i know only time and lots of it will ever heal or ease the pain.Post up anything you like if it helps you get thru and stuff any one who dissaproves

[PrincessBandit]

Hi Caseye, I do check this thread everyday too........
The only thing that makes me happy is that when I show Connor Alex's photo, (I got a big one printed off for Connor to look at, I show it to him throughout the day) Connor gets a huge grin on his face and I just hope in some way he remembers his father who loved him so much and would be doing a much btter job than I am

Oh Anika, it is good to hear that you are able to show your wee fellow his dad, and to see him respond to Alex's photo.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing a wonderful job whether you feel it or not. Remind yourself too that if the situation had been reversed and Alex was looking after Connor without you I'm sure he would feel exactly the same way as you do now - completely devastated, and that you, Connor's mummy, would be doing a much better job that he was.

You have nothing to put yourself down about.

[caseye]

Doing a bad job????Absolutely not Anika, you are here and Connor knows his dad , now and forever.Couldn't be doing a better job than that .
You must not let what a sad few say upset you particularly here.We/I have encouraged you to let it all hang out in these pages.Far as I'm concerned this thread is for you! first and foremost, we here know you are dealing with heaps of shit all day every day, but we also know that Connor is with you and being well looked after despite everything else that you still have to deal with.
So for the rest of today Anika you take some time out for yourself, you read our posts to you and Connor and Alex's dad and you are allowed to smile if we make mistakes, but remember this.
Like you we are only human, no one here, that has been here the whole way, is going to deliberately say anything to upset, hurt or offend you.
You truely are doing as well as anyone has a right to expect of you under the circumstances.
We're here girl now and for as long as you want us to be.
Take care out there.
Mark.
PS: say whatever you want here it's our rules no one elses!

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika :hug:

Love this is your thread to say what you want and if there is a post that upsets you ask to have it removed by one of the moderators and if people don't like what they are reading then they can move on.

Anika you are allowed to have those feeling i would think it would be exspected not wanted but exspected give yourself a :hug: because you deserve it. I know if anything happened to pete i would be feeling the same as you. But the more you let it out the better you will feel holding it in is not good. You are allowed to cry,be sad,be angry it is all a part of the healing process and you are doing a brillant job with connor and showing him his dad and we all know that you love connor deeply.

I would still like to come and take you and connor out for a coffie so when you are ready let know.

Take care

Wendy

[caseye]

Good morning Anika, I'm off to work soon, but just wanted to say, chin up girly. The weatehrs shite and work sucks but sometime tonight I'll be back here and looking to see if you've dropped us a line.Take care out there and please give that little guy a big hug from us here, aye.

[DreamRunner]

Hey Anika,

Hope you're doing alright today. Hang in there!
Honestly, don't listen to what those people are saying. You're doing a fantastic job as a mother and you're certainly not being selfish. There's no way in heck I'd be able to look after a kid on my own! Jeez, I'd have no idea what to feed it or when or anything... Point being, you're doing amazingly so try not to put yourself down. Keep going strong and don't give up. You may not have Alex but you do have a whole lot of other people around you who want to help :) Everyone's pretty much already said what I would've said. Keep being an awesome Mum to Connor and don't be afraid to speak your mind. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Hope you have a good day tomorrow. Keep holding on.

DreamRunner

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Good morning Anika hope you had a good day yesterday and that to day will be that little bit better.

I'm off to jenny today for a weigh in so i'm hoping iv'e lost something even 500grm will be good.

I see someone has moved into your House through the week i think just let me know if you want me to stop and just check if there is any mail there for you.

Have a nice day and take care:hug:

Wendy

[Genestho]

Hey! I hope everyone can feel the sun today. Let it warm your souls.
Have a good day :)

[alexm]

Hi Wendy,
Yea someone did move into "our" house :( really loved it there and our new life together there, such a nice place to bring up your children..but I know I would have never been able to stay there it was too painful. Got a guy from the serious crash unit coming tomorrow to tell me everything they've found out so far..I know I'm gonna end up crying hearing about it but I need to know

[GOONR]

Hi Wendy,
Yea someone did move into "our" house :( really loved it there and our new life together there, such a nice place to bring up your children..but I know I would have never been able to stay there it was too painful. Got a guy from the serious crash unit coming tomorrow to tell me everything they've found out so far..I know I'm gonna end up crying hearing about it but I need to know

Hi Anika,

Tomorrow sounds like it's going to be a tough day for you. You may find it a little easier if someone else is with you, I know I would but that is your choice, your decision. I'm sure that there are many people here that have offered support that would not hesitate to be there if you want.

I will be thinking of you and I hope it's not to difficult.

Take care.

[Dutchee]

Best wishes for tomorrow Anika. We'll all be thinking of you.
Hope it helps in some way with the closure you're needing and looking for.
Hope you've got someone with you and someone who can take little Connor off your hands for a while if needed.
Bawl your eyes out and don't worry about it.
We're with you in spirit.
Michelle

[caseye]

Hey Anika, finally aye, they take their time those boys. As TGW and the others have said, hope it helps you to get a little closer to understanding what happened.
I'm sure if you wanted someone with you tomorrow that by now you'd have made some arrangements but if not please, don't hesitate to call one of the guys or girls here, remember we're here for Anika first.
I'm not going to say, have a nice daytomorrow, sun shining or not it's going to be petty sombre tough sort of a day for you.Once again though, theres a whole bunch of support , ready able and willing, out here for you, so take it one step at a time and ask as many questions as you want, the SCU are damn fine people, they'll do their level best to answer everything as clearly as possible, with a minimum of fuss and bother.
Take care and when your'e up to it, come let us know how you are tomorrow sometime.
As always a big hug for Connor and as many good wishes as his mum can handle.

[Genestho]

Hi Wendy,
Yea someone did move into "our" house :( really loved it there and our new life together there, such a nice place to bring up your children..but I know I would have never been able to stay there it was too painful. Got a guy from the serious crash unit coming tomorrow to tell me everything they've found out so far..I know I'm gonna end up crying hearing about it but I need to knowAh stink, of course you need to know. Hopefully you have someone with you tomorrow.:hug:

[Her_C4]

...as per everyone elses post Anika. We will all be thinking of you and with you in spirit.

If you get a chance, write down all your questions to make sure they all get answered. Sometimes, even though the questions are burning in our brain, we are overtaken with the emotion of the moment and may leave out an important one.

Take care :sunny:

[Genestho]

...as per everyone elses post Anika. We will all be thinking of you and with you in spirit.

If you get a chance, write down all your questions to make sure they all get answered. Sometimes, even though the questions are burning in our brain, we are overtaken with the emotion of the moment and may leave out an important one.

Take care :sunny:

+1!!
And ask them all, no question is too small. This is your chance to get all the answers you want. :)

[alexm]

thanks guys. My Mum is gonna be here with me, and my auntys taking Connor for a while.Yea I have so many questions, but some I know they aren't even gonna be able to answer, like why didn't he slow down coming up to the roundabout, or why did his helmet come off..Those are things only Alex knows and its so frustrating. Its killing me the fact his helmet did come off, cause if it had stayed on he would probably still be alive, or atleast have had a fighting chance..Probably would have been paralysed but it wouldn't have mattered to me. I can't understand why it came off, I know it fitted him properly and it was brand new, bought just a few weeks before. I hate thinking about the what-ifs :(

[GOONR]

thanks guys. My Mum is gonna be here with me, and my auntys taking Connor for a while.Yea I have so many questions, but some I know they aren't even gonna be able to answer, like why didn't he slow down coming up to the roundabout, or why did his helmet come off..Those are things only Alex knows and its so frustrating. Its killing me the fact his helmet did come off, cause if it had stayed on he would probably still be alive, or atleast have had a fighting chance..Probably would have been paralysed but it wouldn't have mattered to me. I can't understand why it came off, I know it fitted him properly and it was brand new, bought just a few weeks before. I hate thinking about the what-ifs :(

Ask the questions anyway, even if you don't think they will have an answer, you will never know if you don't ask.

I think that the idea of writing them down before hand is a good idea.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

You take care today Alex we will all be thinking of you and i guess some may even say a little prayer for you to get through the day..

Don't forget your dayly :hug: for yourself and Connor.

[caseye]

See told you, you were doing fine, got it all arranged even if it's not going to be a great day, at least you have got it all covered and are prepared.
Well done Anika, it might not sound like or feel like much but it says heaps for where you are at.
Nice to have you posting and letting us know whats a happening.
Bye for now.

[PrincessBandit]

thanks guys. My Mum is gonna be here with me, and my auntys taking Connor for a while.Yea I have so many questions, but some I know they aren't even gonna be able to answer, like why didn't he slow down coming up to the roundabout, or why did his helmet come off..Those are things only Alex knows and its so frustrating. Its killing me the fact his helmet did come off, cause if it had stayed on he would probably still be alive, or atleast have had a fighting chance..Probably would have been paralysed but it wouldn't have mattered to me. I can't understand why it came off, I know it fitted him properly and it was brand new, bought just a few weeks before. I hate thinking about the what-ifs :(

What-ifs are one of the most soul-destroying things you can hang on to Anika; I know it is easy to say, hard to do, but try not to torture yourself with those things. Some of them may be answered for you in time, others you may never know and you must not let them dominate you.

I hope that regardless of how hard and upsetting it will be to hear some of what you will be told, and the fact that it probably won't make you feel any better, take heart. You know that no matter what events actually took place, and no matter what lead up to them, Alex left for work that morning with his heart full of love for you and your son.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika hope yesterday answer some of your questions and you managed to get through the day.

But as PrincessBandit said You know that no matter what events actually took place, and no matter what lead up to them, Alex left for work that morning with his heart full of love for you and your son.

Take care Love :hug:

Wendy

[alexm]

Didn't find out anything new really, except for that when I was told after Alex went up on the roundabout and came off the bike, I always assumed that meant his legs were fully dangling off dragging along the ground..now I find out he was actually still with his legs over the bike but he was just off to one side and off balance. I guess it would still be really hard to regain control one your off-centre. The cop also said the best thing to do would have been to let go of the bike (which I wondered why he hadn't if he wasn't getting control of the bike again and heading towards the barrier) but he said most new riders just hold on. I don't know, maybe it happened so fast for Alex, but I just think if he saw himself heading towards the barrier why would he have held on? I dont get it. Oh and they also discovered a problem with his bike, we knew it had been overheating but apparently some fluid was leaking onto the front brakes or something, and the brake fluid in the front brakes was of really low quality therefore not doing much. Which is weird cause the bike had been re-VIN'd and new warrant just before we bought it, and Alex had also never mentioned problems with the brakes, and if there was something wrong with them he would have fixed it (he was an apprentice mechanic). But I dont think he would have been breaking in the accident anyway, so I don't think it mattered too much but now I'm wondering.

[Genestho]

Didn't find out anything new really, except for that when I was told after Alex went up on the roundabout and came off the bike, I always assumed that meant his legs were fully dangling off dragging along the ground..now I find out he was actually still with his legs over the bike but he was just off to one side and off balance. I guess it would still be really hard to regain control one your off-centre. The cop also said the best thing to do would have been to let go of the bike (which I wondered why he hadn't if he wasn't getting control of the bike again and heading towards the barrier) but he said most new riders just hold on. I don't know, maybe it happened so fast for Alex, but I just think if he saw himself heading towards the barrier why would he have held on? I dont get it. Oh and they also discovered a problem with his bike, we knew it had been overheating but apparently some fluid was leaking onto the front brakes or something, and the brake fluid in the front brakes was of really low quality therefore not doing much. Which is weird cause the bike had been re-VIN'd and new warrant just before we bought it, and Alex had also never mentioned problems with the brakes, and if there was something wrong with them he would have fixed it (he was an apprentice mechanic). But I dont think he would have been breaking in the accident anyway, so I don't think it mattered too much but now I'm wondering.

I'm sorry you have more questions.
What ifs are hard to get through.

Best advice at 6 months I received was: forget about what ifs, think about what is.
There are no answers - that make a difference to what is now. :hug:

[alexm]

yea too right TGW, I know wondering and hoping does no good now, but can't help it. Get bloody images of the crash in my head all day, and I was't even there. Hate to think of my sweet Alex being in pain for even a few seconds, or to think he may have been scared in those few seconds before it happened. I'm having such a bad night tonight, missing him more than ever, trying so hard not to cry because when I start I just get too many bad feelings. I just keep wondering why him, so young, such an amazing person, partner and father. Wish it had been me instead he bought so much joy to the world and was such an awesome person.

[Genestho]

yea too right TGW, I know wondering and hoping does no good now, but can't help it. Get bloody images of the crash in my head all day, and I was't even there. Hate to think of my sweet Alex being in pain for even a few seconds, or to think he may have been scared in those few seconds before it happened. I'm having such a bad night tonight, missing him more than ever, trying so hard not to cry because when I start I just get too many bad feelings. I just keep wondering why him, so young, such an amazing person, partner and father. Wish it had been me instead he bought so much joy to the world and was such an awesome person.
I know :hug: I know you can't help thinking what if.

I still think of what my man went through before he smashed into a drunks car. Let alone before he died.

I too felt much guilt I still lived. Guilt we that live, is so normal.
But here we are.

[boman]

What if. Why. If only. How come.

I also delt and deal with alot of guilt, with what happened. As T.G.W. says it is normal. The questions may never be answered or stop coming.

Like she said, we are here to listen and help if we can, in a way that tries to relate to what you are dealing with.

Survivor to survivor.:hug:

Darren

[Genestho]

And one for Darren :hug:

[boman]

And one for Darren :hug:

Awww Shucks. :o

And for T.G.W. too :hug:

[caseye]

Hi ya Anika.Well,as yoo said more questions than answers, more to think about and to make you sad.
The others have got you covered, I'm with them, here if you need us.
Get some sleep and give yourself some time out, you are doig fine, we are not telling you this for nothing.It's true and we are all greatly encouraged by your actions and words, our Anika is among us again, talking about her worries and showing us that she is coping with a very very hard situation.
Night Anika.
A hug from us for Connor to, aye.

[Genestho]

Awww Shucks. :o

And for T.G.W. too :hug:

:hug::sunny:

[DreamRunner]

Hey Anika,
There's so many questions, I know. But as the others are saying, asking yourself what if forever will just end up with your head wrapped around and around in confusion. There's other what ifs you could be asking :) I don't know how you met Alex... if it was at a party, for instance, what if you'd changed your mind and never gone to that party that night? You might've never met him and Connor never born. Or maybe it was through a friend... What if that friend had decided not to introduce you two?

There's so many what ifs in life, and every moment, every single thing that happens is part of the what ifs. All we can do is try to accept the way things happen and know that there's no changing them.

Hope you're doing okay :)

[dipshit]

Yea I have so many questions... .... or why did his helmet come off..

Did he end up getting his helmet off trademe?
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showpost.php?p=1129354679&postcount=4

[Gmears]

I Visited the SCU to discuss Alex`s accident the week of his death and I had a look at the helmet, it was brand new , maybe he forgot to clip it up ?
Graham

[PrincessBandit]

I Visited the SCU to discuss Alex`s accident the week of his death and I had a look at the helmet, it was brand new , maybe he forgot to clip it up ?
Graham

Possible. It's easy to forget to do if you stick your helmet on, then get distracted with something like shutting the garage door, or nipping back inside to grab something. Also, helmets need to be pretty snug fitting when brand new as they do mould to your head shape as they wear in. Although if it was too big it's hard to imagine it coming off completely. Others may have more experience with that scenario and whether it's likely.

[alexm]

Hmm I never even knew he posted it up. Yea he did. We decided to get a brand new one and not risk getting a second hand one. I also measured his head with a measuring tape so we knew if it was the right size. He went over to see the guy and tried it out to make sure too. So I know it fit him right, he would have told me if it hadn't. He told me everything so if anything was wrong with his helmet or the bike I would have known about it. He did tell me one time after he came home from work that he was on the motorway and realised he hadn't clipped the straps together and I gave him a good telling off. My theory is that on his way to work, I know he stopped at the petrol station. So I think maybe when he stopped off there after putting his helmet back on he must have forgotten to clip it up. Damn damn petrol station why did he need petrol. The cop also said he himself has forgotten to do his up before, or sometimes you think its clipped in properly but its not really.It's just such a small mistake that cost so much :(

[YellowDog]

Yep, we've all done it. It's quite irritating when the straps slap against your chin, so I would stop and do it up.

The other thing is that depends upon the type of fastening is that it may not have been done up properly. The ones that clip together need to click all the way in or they would just clip apart under any pressure. If it was new and still tight, it may have appeared to be OK.

Also, not everyone I know knows how to properly fasten the older fashioned ones that you have thread the strap though the two links.

I am very sorry for you loss and was deeply saddened by the reported turn of events.

Life must go on, so I wish good luck to you in all respects.

[PrincessBandit]

I've had quick release (snap-lock) helmet straps and the D-rings which required threading through. In the early days I know it took some practice actually getting the technique right to do it by feel only. Even now, my current helmet has D rings, and I still can only do it up without my gloves on. I need the tactile feel of everything threading through correctly.

Whatever happened, even if it had been an oversight on Alex's part to do the strap up properly, the tragic consequences make it a moot point and must serve as a lesson to others to ensure their gear is used properly. This is in no way meant to cast any ill light on Alex, nor is the comment that other factors were obviously at play besides the helmet issue.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika hope you have been getting some good sleeps in and giving yourself some quite time.

I can't add much more to what the others have been saying and it certainly sounds like a tragic accident. I think there are a lot of bikers out there that at some point of time has forgotten to do there helmet up.

Take Care love:hug:

Wendy

[Dutchee]

Hey Anika, hope the week is being bearable and you're doing okay. All of us have to live with "what ifs". I'm trying to work out whether I'm making the right decision, plus having had an operation a few weeks ago have some healing of my own to do.
Speaking for myself, I've been impressed with how strong you've been and look forward to your posts, just to see you're okay.
I also don't worry about you as much as initially, but think of you and Connor often.
You may not be posting but still lurking, just so long as you know that you really know you can phone any of us who've given you our phone numbers, and that we do genuinely care for you, even if we've never met. (that is speaking on behalf of others, who I'm sure won't mind me saying that).
Take care and give little Connor a big hug from all of us.
Michelle

[caseye]

Hey Anika, what Dutchee/ Michelle said x 2!
Rain tomorrow, be getting wet just getting to work, oh well.
Take care.

[alexm]

Hi guys,I don't know what else to say apart from what I've already said a million times before.It's still very hard, probably harder than when it first happened, cause I found the first couple of weeks I was in complete shock, I can hardly remember much from those days..Except for all the horrible things, like the police showing up at my door, seeing Alex in the mortuary, and his funeral. I still have very dark thoughts, I still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen..I'm not sure what, I guess a part of me still doesn't believe this is real. On the 25th of this month it will be/would have been Alex's 22nd birthday. Another trip to the grave for me on what should have been a happy day. I can't believe he didn't make it to 22, I still feel so angry this happened, and I feel sorry for myself and bad for Alex too, that he's missing out on so much, and I am too. Connor's already gone half his life without his dad.
I just wanna say thank you all, not just for the donations but for all your support. When I posted up here that day (although I don't remember doing it) I know I wasn't expecting such a huge reply. It really means so much to me that you all gave me support and still continue to do so, for a stranger. I know Alex would be really grateful.

[wingrider]

To the parents.

I know you have never met me but I hope these words will be of comfort to you.

Think of them a s personal letter from Alex.


I’ve only slipped into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way,
which you always use.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laugh,
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me.
Let my name be ever the household word.
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
without the ghost of a shadow on it.

life means all it has ever meant.
It is the same as it always was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of your mirror,
because I am out of your sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.

[Genestho]

Hi guys,I don't know what else to say apart from what I've already said a million times before.It's still very hard, probably harder than when it first happened, cause I found the first couple of weeks I was in complete shock, I can hardly remember much from those days..Except for all the horrible things, like the police showing up at my door, seeing Alex in the mortuary, and his funeral. I still have very dark thoughts, I still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen..I'm not sure what, I guess a part of me still doesn't believe this is real. On the 25th of this month it will be/would have been Alex's 22nd birthday. Another trip to the grave for me on what should have been a happy day. I can't believe he didn't make it to 22, I still feel so angry this happened, and I feel sorry for myself and bad for Alex too, that he's missing out on so much, and I am too. Connor's already gone half his life without his dad.
I just wanna say thank you all, not just for the donations but for all your support. When I posted up here that day (although I don't remember doing it) I know I wasn't expecting such a huge reply. It really means so much to me that you all gave me support and still continue to do so, for a stranger. I know Alex would be really grateful.

I for one could not ignore you. If you did not last the week I'd have been personally devastated!! Alex would be proud of you.

Strangers....are just friends you haven't met yet:yes:

[GOONR]

Strangers....are just friends you haven't met yet:yes:

I was going to say the same thing.. My best mate was a stranger once. Now I can call him anytime I want / need to.

[boman]

I for one could not ignore you. If you did not last the week I'd have been personally devastated!! Alex would be proud of you.

Strangers....are just friends you haven't met yet:yes:

Word for word what she said. Even though you may not feel it some days, you seem to sound better. The firsts after an event like this are very hard, but soon they are no longer firsts, and they get a little easier to deal with. Take it from people who know mate. Not a day goes by that I, personally, wonder if, what I am going through, is real. It is a normal reaction. And I am sure Nasty, T.G.W, and others in the same boat feel the same.

Keep your chin up girl, we are here and watching.

[caseye]

Anika,I don't often (read, not ever) shed tears, but tonight reading what you wrote to those of us here, on your thread, well girl it was close!
T.G.W, Mrs Busa,Nasty, Mom and all you others take a bow, here is our friend Anika come to talk with us.
She's still hurting but by God shes doing it.
I'm so happy to see those words Anika.Your words, from you as you feel the urge to write them.
Keep true to yourself, keep it simple and take your time.
We! ain't going anywhere unless of course it's to do something for our friend Anika.
Night Anika, c u again soon.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika you know Alex would be so empressed with you. You are doing so well and each day you are getting past one little more loop in the day as we all are. You know those dark days are to be exspected for a while but they will become fewer over time. And in the mean time we are all here for you.

Take Care love and give yourself and Connor a :hug: from me

Wendy

[DreamRunner]

Hey Anika, hope you're doing alright today :)
Believe us all when we say you're doing amazingly well. It's not been that long since it happened and it may still get harder before it gets better. But I do promise that it will get better. The wounds will heal. The scars will linger forever but eventually they will stop hurting quite so much. I'm not sure what kind of things you're doing at the moment (ie. studying, working, or just hanging out at home, etc), but seeing friends and family could be a good thing (I don't know if you're doing this already). Just keeping pushing through. Keep holding on. Don't give up. You're doing so well.

DreamRunner

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika hope you have had a good weekend and manage to get a good nights sleep.

We are off to Wellington tomorrow for the protest ride so will sign in again probley Wednesday so take care and i will be thinking of you.



Take Care Love :hug:

Wendy

[caseye]

It's Welly for me too Anika, hope the week brings something nice for a change.
Take care and please give little Connor that traditional big hug from us rough tough bikies.

[Conquiztador]

Morning Anika

I think most of us from KB went on the ACC Protest ride to Wellington. That made me think, is ACC helping you?

Hope the warmer weather makes life a fraction better, and as time goes rays of sunshine start to come through the dark clouds.

Take Care girl.

[wysper]

Anika

If you will let me

I will light a candle for you
you will see it at night
you will see it through your tears
you will see it when you smile

In Connors eyes a flame will shine
In your dark a flame will shine
In your heart a flame will shine

My candle is small but it is bright
My candle is small but it is for you
My candle is small but it is not alone

Neither are you


Greg

[alexm]

Thank you Greg :) And well ACC is in the "process" of helping me. I sent off all the stuff about 3 weeks ago..still waiting. And they keep wanting more stuff from me..like 2 days ago got a phone call asking for Alex's previous work places. Have no idea why the hell they need these..I wish they would just get a move on. He had an accident, I'm his partner, as it says on his death certificate, Connor's his child..what's the hold up? Guess they got a lot of cases but still. And the coroners report isn't gonna be ready till next year..cause SCU only just started the report a couple of weeks ago. I hate waiting for things.

[caseye]

Hi ya Anika, Wellington was a blast, Nicks Myth was totally wasted, but our gubbermint is still not listening, anyway, sounds like situation normal for ACC, the SCU, well, they got a lot on and everyone of their jobs is important as I'm sure you would know.
Don't sweat the details, long as something is happening and you are kept in the loop, it's all good.
Hey though, don't hesitate to talk to anyone of us about stirring up the ACC for you or with you aye, woulkd be a pleasure to hit em where it hurts, so to speak.
Hope the weekend brings surprises and friends, catch you again soon, wonderful to see that we didn't all leave you while the protest was on.
Take care and give that litlte fella that big ol hug from us here too.

[Oakie]

A.like 2 days ago got a phone call asking for Alex's previous work places. Have no idea why the hell they need these..I wish they would just get a move on.

It's probably something to do with verifying his earnings over the last 12 months which is what they have to do as part of assessing Earnings Related Compensation. I'm not entirely sure how it will apply to this case though as I've never had anything to do with one like this before (I deal with ACC quite a bit through my work in HR/Payroll).

The wheels can turn slowly at ACC, but they do turn. (A bit like my bike come to think of it.)

[alexm]

True I didn't think of that. But I'm supposed to be entitled to 80% of whatever he was earning at his current job, not all his earnings so yea. I actually even sent them in a piece of paper Alex's boss gave me showing his earnings since he started there. Uh I don't even know why I care. If I won the lotto right now it wouldn't even make me happy, in fact it would piss me off. Sucks that I have the most money I've ever had now that I'm not paying rent (will be in 2 weeks though) and Alex isn't here to enjoy it with me. Tomorrow its only 3 days till Alex would have been 22..that time last year I woke up to Alex next to me, wished him happy birthday in the middle of the night, took him out for dinner, and was only just pregnant with Connor. I hate this

[Nasty]

True I didn't think of that. But I'm supposed to be entitled to 80% of whatever he was earning at his current job, not all his earnings so yea. I actually even sent them in a piece of paper Alex's boss gave me showing his earnings since he started there. Uh I don't even know why I care. If I won the lotto right now it wouldn't even make me happy, in fact it would piss me off. Sucks that I have the most money I've ever had now that I'm not paying rent (will be in 2 weeks though) and Alex isn't here to enjoy it with me. Tomorrow its only 3 days till Alex would have been 22..that time last year I woke up to Alex next to me, wished him happy birthday in the middle of the night, took him out for dinner, and was only just pregnant with Connor. I hate this

I don't think it works like that .. from what i have seen of the system is that they pay 80% of the previous years earnings ... sorry about that ... I am unsure of the exact breakdown ...

I know its tough and the firsts are all upon you .. take each one at a time ... it was the only way I got through them ... you are doing well ... and I know you miss him so extremely much at the moment...

[caseye]

Keep hating it Anika,your'e allowed to!
Wish it all wasn't so black and white, but hang in there you are entitled to feel sad and upset, we're here and we're standing with you.
Take care.
Mark.

[Genestho]

True I didn't think of that. But I'm supposed to be entitled to 80% of whatever he was earning at his current job, not all his earnings so yea. I actually even sent them in a piece of paper Alex's boss gave me showing his earnings since he started there. Uh I don't even know why I care. If I won the lotto right now it wouldn't even make me happy, in fact it would piss me off. Sucks that I have the most money I've ever had now that I'm not paying rent (will be in 2 weeks though) and Alex isn't here to enjoy it with me. Tomorrow its only 3 days till Alex would have been 22..that time last year I woke up to Alex next to me, wished him happy birthday in the middle of the night, took him out for dinner, and was only just pregnant with Connor. I hate this

Previous years earnings.
Money won't buy you happiness but at least you and Connor are not wanting for anything right now, which is one less stress and it's important that you can look after yourself and Connor with the basics.

The year of firsts is tough.
Every birthday, every anniversary is painful for the loss. It also seems like you build up to the day, anticipate it with dread.
With time - it's easier, less raw i guess are the words.

Truthfully you have a long road to go, and it is tough with kiddies, as they start to ask ALOT of heart breakingly hard questions.

I now try to plan ahead treats for anniversaries if i can.

Gave me something to look forward to rather than something to dread, made the days slightly easier to get through (doesn't always work but it's something) - also creating newer memories.

Looking after yourself and being with family and friends, on these days is important:hug:
Thinking of you.

[Oakie]

I don't think it works like that .. from what i have seen of the system is that they pay 80% of the previous years earnings ... sorry about that ... I am unsure of the exact breakdown ...

Yep, that's right. If an incapacity lasts more than 4 weeks ACC have to take into account the whole years earnings prior to the date of incapacity. It means you have to wait until the old employers reply (which they should be able to do within a day) and then ACC make the assessment which can then hopefully be paid pretty quick.

[boman]

True I didn't think of that. But I'm supposed to be entitled to 80% of whatever he was earning at his current job, not all his earnings so yea. I actually even sent them in a piece of paper Alex's boss gave me showing his earnings since he started there. Uh I don't even know why I care. If I won the lotto right now it wouldn't even make me happy, in fact it would piss me off. Sucks that I have the most money I've ever had now that I'm not paying rent (will be in 2 weeks though) and Alex isn't here to enjoy it with me. Tomorrow its only 3 days till Alex would have been 22..that time last year I woke up to Alex next to me, wished him happy birthday in the middle of the night, took him out for dinner, and was only just pregnant with Connor. I hate this

You are allowed to hate this. Like TGW said the firsts are really hard and strenuous. There is nothing we can do to turn back the clock, believe me, all I can say is get out and about for his birthday, go see people, friends, family, try not to sit at home and think about the "what ifs" they will only make the day longer and harder. Things do get a little bit blunter each year, the hurt not as bad, the pain a little easier to deal with. Treat yourself, do something for you and Connor, try not to let the Firsts get to you.

Empty words I know, but it is all I have to give to you.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Keep hating it Anika,your'e allowed to!
Wish it all wasn't so black and white, but hang in there you are entitled to feel sad and upset, we're here and we're standing with you.
Take care.
Mark.

Hi Anika sorry i havn't been on for a while but have been really busy.

Marks words would have to be best i have hurd for you because you have every wright to feel the way you do.

Just wanted to let you know that i will be thinking of you today. take love :hug: and keep connor near because i'm sure he will help and think only positive thoughts hard i know but please try.

Wendy

[MyGSXF]

If it's a nice day where you are, take little Connor & go for a walk along the beach.. tis very soothing for the soul! :yes:

Thinking of you Anika :hug:

[Genestho]

Tough day for you sweets. Take care of yourself. X

[Her_C4]

Just wanted to pop in and let you and Connor know that we are all thinking of you today and wishing you well - take care :hug:

[caseye]

Looks like i just made it "today". Anika you just do whatevr you have to to make today yours.
It's going to hurt some, no question,we all want for you to be Ok.
We , those of us here who know how you've suffered and have come through thick and thin to this point are quietly confident that you've got the common sense and the ability to bring you and your little fella through it all.
Take care Anika, remember, we're here, remember, one day/thing at a time, it really is that simple.
Thinking of you.
Mark.

[Dutchee]

Hey Anika, sorry I missed yesterday but hoping you're okay.
Even if one of us isn't available if you need us, someone will be. A lot of us are thinking of you.
Never be afraid to email/pm or post here if you need help, or just say you're okay.
Big hugs and a big cuddle for little Connor.
Take care and remember, you're not alone.
Michelle

[DreamRunner]

Hey, just stopping by to say hello. My internets a bit screwy at the moment 'cuz I used up all the allowance watching youtube videos before my exam :-S so I'm supposed to be saving it!
Anyway, hope things are going alright for you. Keep smiling, if you can.

[Buellluva]

Hi Anika, hope you're doing OK at the mo. Have been watching this post, and sharing a bit of your sadness, as I lost a few mates to crashes, when they were very young.
I wasn't going to post, as most of what I wanted to say has been said. It is amazing when tragedy strikes how people will help others they dont know, I have been blown away by what I have read, it restores my faith in humanity.
I cant help but feel an attachment to young Connor, as I lost my Dad when I was very young, (too young to remember). Keep hold of these posts for Connor, and all the photos, clippings and everything else about his Dad, as I'm sure that there will come a day when it will become very important to him, as it did for me, to find out as much as I could.
Dont worry about the future just hang in and survive, from day to day, laugh at the good times, cry, scream, vent do whatever you need to do, to get by.
Hang tough girl, and may time ease your pain, all the best from myself and my wife and 2 kids.

[Tink]

Just recently I have been through a place and each time I remember... may peace come from within... I am not religious by far... but it never stops me saying something when I cross a path! If that makes sense.

[caseye]

We're missing you Anika.Hope everything is working out as it should.
Weather has been crap of late, been a bit busy what with riding to this protest and this protest meeting and then that protest, but hey I'm not protesting about the protesting. Confused ? I am.
ACC have picked on the wrong people, we give a damn and we're not about to be pushed around.

Still got time to check in on our friends though, drop us all a line aye, just to say Hi.
Take care and give that little fella, Connor that great big ol KB'ers hug.

[alexm]

I got you Mark. Yea as much as I'm not really a big fan of bikes anymore, as you guys are saying people are gonna spend less on protective gear and the like. I remember when Alex told me how much it was I was blown away, so making it more is disgusting. We still got him all the protective gear though, infact that the weekend before that Monday we had just gotten his jacket for him..he only got to wear it once :( Connor's doing really good, he's so clever and very cheeky and happy just like his dad.

[caseye]

Hey there wonderful to hear that Connor is happy, cheeky , clever and JUST Like his dad.
I'm going to stop making reference to things bike, here, not fair on you.
I'm very pleased to hear from you and I do sincerely hope things are working out.

[Dutchee]

Hey Anika. Glad to hear from you.
You have passed so many milestones, and you have become a strong young woman, so much stronger than you thought you could be.
Alex would be so proud of you, heck, we are.
Give little Connor a huge hug from us and hope he can give you one back in return (also from us).

[alexm]

I noticed they started putting up "watch out for bikers" signs all around the place (well where I am anyway). Those really kill me to see..even seeing someone driving past on a bike does, I always imagine they're Alex..

[boman]

I noticed they started putting up "watch out for bikers" signs all around the place (well where I am anyway). Those really kill me to see..even seeing someone driving past on a bike does, I always imagine they're Alex..

It will for a while mate. I still get a lump,in my throat, when I see a car the same as my wifes, drive past. I suppose it is normal. Well as normal as the situation can be. Just remember, you are not alone in this.

It is good to hear from you again.

[Genestho]

I noticed they started putting up "watch out for bikers" signs all around the place (well where I am anyway). Those really kill me to see..even seeing someone driving past on a bike does, I always imagine they're Alex..

Know what you mean, for awhile certain engines used to really turn my head.
I still love bikes, love the sound, I grew up with them though.

Looked at my leathers the other day, and they're mouldy from being left on the floor of my wardrobe, can't find my gloves or balaclava, helmet has a cobweb in it. Been awhile.
Glad to see those signs going up!
Good to see you post too girl :)

[Nasty]

I noticed they started putting up "watch out for bikers" signs all around the place (well where I am anyway). Those really kill me to see..even seeing someone driving past on a bike does, I always imagine they're Alex..

I know what you mean ... a guy here where I live has an identical bike to Grubs ... the first few times i saw him my heart almost stopped ... this one takes time ... I found myself just reminding me to breath.

[Sharry]

I have such admiration for Anika and those of you who are able to support her through this from similar personal experiences :hug:

Anika you have showen yourself to be such a strong lady and it is great to see you posting about Conners growth, it would be so nice to hear more about Conners milestones and personality.

[raftn]

It ahs been nearly three months since Alex pasted away, i still think about him often, you are not alone in this and you never will be. I still regret that on the last day of work , before he was killed , i gave him some shit about folding a job around the wrong way, i relise that as his boss it was and is my job, but i still regret those last few words. We still talk about him often. I miss the little smart arse......

[caseye]

Hey raftn, nice to see you again.I'm sure Anika knows what you mean about giving him shit.It's obvious that he was well thought of by yourself, don't sweat it mate.
Anika, I hope the weather and the whole place slowing down for Christmas means you are getting some quiet time for you!
Take care and hug that littel guy for us, aye.

[alexm]

Roger don't worry about it he never said a bad word about you. He often talked about work and how much he enjoyed it..well not technically the job but he said it was the best lot of people to be working with. The only thing I'm pissed at you for is giving him that Friday off instead of Monday! But who knows it may still have happened with the way he drove. And yes he was a smart arse and I was one right back to him and I miss having someone to joke around with a lot..My family takes it the wrong way but me and Alex could give each other shit and laugh about it.And Mark..what quiet time?? I never knew how much Alex helped me out..I would sometimes complain he didn't do enough, not sure why now. He didn't really clean the house but I didn't expect him to, but he would often give Connor the bottle in the middle of the night when I was too tired, or hold him once he got home from work when I was losing my patience. He sure is wearing me out now..Often likes to wake up at 5:30am, and going to bed at 9 now :( he's rolling over both ways too, trying to crawl, eating solids..doing everything very early! I know Alex would be so incredibly proud and I hope he's watching it all and hears me talking to him. It still doesnt seem real to me..it feels like he's just gone off to work and then 4:30 rolls by and he doesnt come home..I imagine the entire day what Alex would be saying or doing in relation to what I am doing, I can picture him laughing at something Connor did, or me txting him something, or him chatting with me about his day

[caseye]

LOL ,sorry did I say/mean something wrong there Anika.Hey good to see you back and to hear whats happening.
I'd like to wish you and Connor all the best this Christmas, knowing it's going to be a hard one.Anika you are one impressive lady, please if nothing else come back to us here from time to time and let us know how Connor and you are doing. Tell us, as always exactly what you're thinking and feeling. Seems to me it's us now needing to know that we're not surplus to requirements.
As always and meant everytime I say it, if theres anything I/we can do please, just yell.

[Dutchee]

Anika, Graham and the rest of the families, wishing you all the best at this crazy time of year.
Another milestone which is going to be damned hard to get through, but we hope you'll find the strength to survive.
Huge hugs for little Connor, and all of you.
Anika, have a safe trip. You've got so much to tell Alex, he will be proud of you, but I'm sure that if he can, he's been watching anyway.
Still thinking of you all, and keep strong.
Michelle

[chanceyy]

hi Anika

just wanted you to know your in my thoughts today, I know its going to be a really difficult day but hope that you & Conner are surrounded by love & with family n friends. This also extends to Alex's family.

take care

[Conquiztador]

Hi Anika.

Will travel past in a day or two on my way up north and send some warm thoughts to you and Connor when passing.

Hope you have heaps of family around over the holidays.

Take Care :heart:

[Her_C4]

'Merry Christmas Anika and Connor

you are in my thoughts today.:hug:

[MyGSXF]

Thinking of you both today.. :hug: Merry Christmas :sunny:

[caseye]

Morning Anika,also thinking of you and Connor today.God bless.

[alexm]

Not a merry christmas..just a christmas, which is just another horrible day. I'm down in Tauranga, just got back from visiting Alex's grave. Kinda would be nice to not have Connor with me so I could stay there longer..and would also be nice if his grave wasn't next to a freaking farm so that theres not someone mowing their lawn 100m away and their dog jumping the fence and coming up to me. And would be great if certain people could water the flowers I planted there and not let them die but thats just part of this fantastic life. Yes I'm the grinch this christmas

[caseye]

Bloody dog, what a cheek! lol. Well at least you are not getting rained on as well.Take care Anika.

[GOONR]

Not a merry christmas..just a christmas, which is just another horrible day. I'm down in Tauranga, just got back from visiting Alex's grave. Kinda would be nice to not have Connor with me so I could stay there longer..and would also be nice if his grave wasn't next to a freaking farm so that theres not someone mowing their lawn 100m away and their dog jumping the fence and coming up to me. And would be great if certain people could water the flowers I planted there and not let them die but thats just part of this fantastic life. Yes I'm the grinch this christmas

Hi Anika, this day was always gonna suck for you, another shitty milestone but another shitty milestone behind you.

I'm fairly sure that my mother in-law is in the same place as Alex, right at the top, next to the farm just down the path from the Children's memorial's.??

I go down there a few times a year and would be honoured if I could water/ replace the flowers when I'm there. If that is Ok PM me with the details of how to find him and I'll see that he is Ok every time we go down. I tried to find him the last time that I was there but couldn't.

I would offer to take you with us but our car is always full. If we could squeeze Connor and yourself in we would.

Take care, stay strong.

[alexm]

Hmm must not be the same place, I don't know about any childrens memorials..It's on oropi road.

[alexm]

and the flowers are pretty much dead already they look horrible I'll probably pull them out tomorrow before I go..will have to do some research into flowers that only need watering about once a month if those exist

[GOONR]

Hmm must not be the same place, I don't know about any childrens memorials..It's on oropi road.

Ahh, sound's like a different place but not too far away from the mother in-law, she's in the cemetery on Pyes Pa Road, runs parallel to Oropi Road. If it's Ok the offer still stands, whenever I go down I'll sort out some flowers etc.. All I would need is an address.

[alexm]

oh yea I've seen the one on Pyes Pa rd atleast that's a nice cemetery..I don't even know what the address is, all I know is it's like 11km's down oropi rd :s

[GOONR]

oh yea I've seen the one on Pyes Pa rd atleast that's a nice cemetery..I don't even know what the address is, all I know is it's like 11km's down oropi rd :s

Yeah, as cemetry's go it's not a bad one.

The next time I'm heading that down that way I'll see if I can find the one on Oropi rd, shouldn't be too hard. Once I know I can find it I can take flowers or whatever for you when I go down if you like.

If I had the room in the car you would be more than welcome to come down but Mrs GOONR and midget GOONR take up all the space.

[howdamnhard]

and the flowers are pretty much dead already they look horrible I'll probably pull them out tomorrow before I go..will have to do some research into flowers that only need watering about once a month if those exist

Cactus's are pretty hardy , it's the only one we haven't managed to kill.

[alexm]

Hmm yea I was thinking of a succulent or something but I'd much rather have flowers there..will have to look into it. Thanks Goonr, maybe you could pm me when you go down there and I could transfer some money into your account and if you could buy flowers and put them there I'd be really grateful.

[GOONR]

Hmm yea I was thinking of a succulent or something but I'd much rather have flowers there..will have to look into it. Thanks Goonr, maybe you could pm me when you go down there and I could transfer some money into your account and if you could buy flowers and put them there I'd be really grateful.

Hey, No need for the dollars, keep those for the little one. I will gladly get some flowers, I'll PM ya closer to the next time I go down. Just tell me what ya want.

There is a grave in London that means a shite load to me, I kinda know what it's like not to be able to get close as often as you would like. Consider this to be my little bit of good karma towards the world.

[alexm]

Of course I gotta give you money, you just going through the effort to take care of someones grave you don't even know is already kind enough.

[GOONR]

Of course I gotta give you money, you just going through the effort to take care of someones grave you don't even know is already kind enough.

Nah, for me it's not bout the money, it's knowing that you know he is being looked after when ever possible. I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination but I am an emotional old bugger, I know how it makes a difference if you think your loved ones are being cared for. :yes:

[caseye]

Damn, can't give the GOONR any more bling for a while. But mate you've managed to do something for Anika that is practical and kind, good on you mate and thanks from the rest of us out here who see it being done and think, one from the good guys/girls, for Anika.
Anika, real, practical, support from your friends is the most awesome thing they can do for you and yours.I only wish it was possible for the rest of us to help out in some small practical way as well.

[alexm]

You guys have already helped me out, with the donations and just the kind words of support. Goonr, thanks so much. It really means a lot to me. I would like to be able to go there every few days if I had the chance, I find it comforting in an odd way, and I like to see that his grave is still looking nice. But it's a long trip for me and hard with a baby in the car, plus it cost me $350 for that last trip :s And not to mention my cars done over 300,000kms already and I don't wanna push it.

[Sharry]

Hey Anika I am glad to see that you have benefited from all that has been offered you. I hope the finer weather gives you the chance to get out with Connor and enjoy the sunshine :sunny:

[GOONR]

Hi Anika,

I guess your probably feeling a bit low at the moment and that the start to the new year wasn't exactly happy. Just thought I'd let ya know that there are people thinking about you and your little fella.

I'll let you know when I'm heading off down Alex's way. I was meant to be going down fairly soon but other things have come up so it might be a little while away but I will be in touch.

Take care.

[caseye]

Hello Anika and little Connor, hope you are both disgustingly healthy and sun tanned.Just a line to say hello and let you know we are still about and thinking of you both.

[Sharry]

HI Anika, I have been thinking of you and wee Connor lately and hope you have been able to distract yourself in this fine weather with taking out in the fresh air.

[alexm]

Hey guys,
Couldn't get further away from a sun tan if I tried. Still have trouble leaving the house unless I really need to. I get panic attacks quite often if I do and it just doesn't feel right without Alex still. Each passing day seems to make it harder.. I don't cry much anymore, but inside I feel so much worse. Shocks worn off, and now I'm completely aware of the fact this is indeed real.. Just got back from Tauranga today, went there for Valentines.. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a while. Again disappointed to see the grave not being taken care of.. But on the plus side Connor is an amazingly health, clever little boy. Very happy, everyone loves him. I know Alex would be very proud of his little man.
By the way, it means a lot to me some of you still check up on me. It seems the rest of the world assumes or thinks I'm basically over it. My mother doesn't understand at all and I'm finding it hard living with her. But it gives me a bit of strength knowing people who don't even know me are still looking out for me. thank you

[caseye]

Hey guys,
Couldn't get further away from a sun tan if I tried. Still have trouble leaving the house unless I really need to. I get panic attacks quite often if I do and it just doesn't feel right without Alex still. Each passing day seems to make it harder.. I don't cry much anymore, but inside I feel so much worse. Shocks worn off, and now I'm completely aware of the fact this is indeed real.. Just got back from Tauranga today, went there for Valentines.. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a while. Again disappointed to see the grave not being taken care of.. But on the plus side Connor is an amazingly health, clever little boy. Very happy, everyone loves him. I know Alex would be very proud of his little man.
By the way, it means a lot to me some of you still check up on me. It seems the rest of the world assumes or thinks I'm basically over it. My mother doesn't understand at all and I'm finding it hard living with her. But it gives me a bit of strength knowing people who don't even know me are still looking out for me. thank you

Checking up on/with you, Na! but letting you know we still care and are making sure you're getting through the days and nights, thats something we are doing because we want to, to help out you and Connor as best we can.
Take care Anika and hey, please go for a walk, get out of the house, enjoy the simple things, the sun on your face and not having to do anything for a while.You can do it, go on.
Catch you again soon.

[buffstar]

Im with Caseye & others thinking of you chick. Grief is a loooong road, and yeah sometimes it feels like the rest of the world is moving on but you are stuck, in actual fact ppl are most likely scared to open your wounds.
Feel your feelings (thats what my councellor tells me) and be true to yourself in the moment that you are in. Have you considered seeing a grief councellor? I scoffed at the idea myself after my son died, didnt think it would do any good, not like it could bring him back huh? BUT I find it good to talk to someone that you dont have to put the "I'm ok" face on for, in some ways it helps (for me anyway)
You are not alone Anika, there are alot of us out there that have to stuff the pain down every day - we just dont talk about it - I dont know why "stiff upper lip" maybe?
Force yourself to chuck that wee boy of yours into the pram and go for a walk - he will enjoy the new sights and you will be feeding your body more than you know.
Just get thru today..... thats all any of us can really do
Buffstar
xxooxx

[MyGSXF]

DearAnika

You have more courage & strength than you know, & it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as wee Connors mummy, he is a lucky little boy!

I wondered if you have been able to get some counselling/support from any organisations near your area?? I did a bit of a search & found a couple of sites that may be helpful for you, especially the Womens Centre. I spent a lot of time with the local centre here in my time of grief.. they were a Gods send!!

http://www.womenandgrief.co.nz/

http://howto.yellow.co.nz/life-relationships-family/bereavement-life-relationships-family/dealing-with-grief/

http://www.womyn-ctr.co.nz/services/

Thinking of you both
Jen xx

[alexm]

Yea I finally went to the doctors and she put me on anti depressants and gave me the number for the Womens Centre. I've stopped taking my anti depressants now..weren't doing anything. Haven't called the Women's Centre yet.. I'd have no idea when I could go.. Would be a bit hard to talk with Connor there (he can be pretty loud..and crawling now). At the end of the day nothings gonna bring Alex back anyway and that's all I want. Just don't care for myself, only for Connor.

[Genestho]

Yea I finally went to the doctors and she put me on anti depressants and gave me the number for the Womens Centre. I've stopped taking my anti depressants now..weren't doing anything. Haven't called the Women's Centre yet.. I'd have no idea when I could go.. Would be a bit hard to talk with Connor there (he can be pretty loud..and crawling now). At the end of the day nothings gonna bring Alex back anyway and that's all I want. Just don't care for myself, only for Connor.

Anti-depressants take a month to kick in, and most doc's will recommend you stay on them for a certain amount of time, ie 6 months, a year, anything less is not giving your brain a rest and the chance to repair the trauma (for want of better words) you may even need to up the dosage, which is nothing to be ashamed of considering the circumstance.

And I bet you find you can bring Connor to the Womens centre! Call and find out, and don't forget you should be entitled to that free childcare too hun.

You will care for yourself again, it'll come.
It's good to see you admitting you care for that wee boy. :hug:

[boman]

Checking up on/with you, Na! but letting you know we still care and are making sure you're getting through the days and nights, thats something we are doing because we want to, to help out you and Connor as best we can.
Take care Anika and hey, please go for a walk, get out of the house, enjoy the simple things, the sun on your face and not having to do anything for a while.You can do it, go on.
Catch you again soon.

That goes for me too mate

[MyGSXF]

Yea I finally went to the doctors and she put me on anti depressants and gave me the number for the Womens Centre. I've stopped taking my anti depressants now..weren't doing anything. Haven't called the Women's Centre yet.. I'd have no idea when I could go.. Would be a bit hard to talk with Connor there (he can be pretty loud..and crawling now). At the end of the day nothings gonna bring Alex back anyway and that's all I want. Just don't care for myself, only for Connor.

The anti depressants will take 3-4 weeks to really get into your system, before you will notice the effects hun.. they serve a purpose, give them some time. Please do call the Womens Centre Anika.. they will do whatever they can to help, & may be able to put you onto someone closer to where you are even. I know it's hard, but you have to take care of yourself .. Connor needs you. Alex is always with you hun, as are we. There are a lot of people out here walking with you, sending you love & thoughts.. take our strength & be brave Anika. Life can be so cruel sometimes.. it makes you wonder how some people can believe in a God that lets things like this happen.. but have faith in the universe hun.. each day is a new day & miracles do happen, believe me!! Out of the darkness comes light.. you will never forget, but time does heal. Be strong, Anika.. you are stronger than you think you are sweetheart.

Jen xx

[Sharry]

Yup caseye is right, we do care and want you to know that you are not out there alone.
So glad to hear Connor is a healthy lively wee boy that you love dearly.

[Tink]

Bumping this thread... sounds wrong, but it needs to be right at the top... those few that keep you going Anika, Caseye, T.W.G, Boman etc don't need reminding, but there are many of us that do need reminding that life is precioius... !

[Her_C4]

Hi Anika, just dropping by to say hi - wondering how you and Connor are getting on these days? Holler back and let us know how you both are and what you are up to these days x

[caseye]

We will be glad of hearing how things are Anika. Hoping you and Connor are getting all that you both need. We're just a post away. Take care.

[alexm]

God how it hurts tonight. Sitting in bed crying alone. Knowing he's the only one who could take my tears away but he's the reason I cry. It hurts how everyone elses lives go on as normal and my days are filled with loneliness, sadness and dark thoughts. How long can one just scrape through each day. I'm only existing for Connor, but I'm so damn tired of this.

[Nasty]

You are right anika .. it does hurt and its really fucking sad ... but it is something that we learn to live with as well ...

the pain and the solitude is something that you also don't have to do on your own ... there are others out here like you.

[Gone Burger]

Hi Anika.

I can't imagine what you are going through, have been going through, and will continue to go through for some time. Only those who have lost someone so close, too soon, could share that understanding.

Alex sounded like a truely wonderful human being, who obviously loved you and your beautiful baby very much. I did not know him myself, but have been following the support for you both here on Kiwi Biker. I can imagine he would want you to be, and need you to be stronger than you have ever been before. A part of him will live on in little Connor forever, and I know that you will cherish that greatly. Nothing will make this long process any easier for you. But do remember that you have an enormous amount of support from all of us, your family and friends. Hold on tight to your little boy, try to focus on those wonderful memories that you have of Alex, the ones that make you smile wholely, and hopefully one day, that will start to outweigh the emptiness that you feel now.

All the very best.. we are all thinking of you and are still broken hearted for your loss.

[caseye]

God how it hurts tonight. Sitting in bed crying alone. Knowing he's the only one who could take my tears away but he's the reason I cry. It hurts how everyone elses lives go on as normal and my days are filled with loneliness, sadness and dark thoughts. How long can one just scrape through each day. I'm only existing for Connor, but I'm so damn tired of this.

Hi Anika.I have not got the experience or the words to tell you how much seeing your words hurts, it's a hurt that is yours, but I feel a bit of it each time I see you feeling so low.The girls are right unfortunately, the loneliness is something we can do something about, we can phone you, we could come visit and just sit with you.Whatever ever it takes to help you come a little closer to beginning to feel better rather than miserable and lonley all the time.
Little steps remember.
I for one am glad of one thing, we are talking with Anika, this is her telling us as it is.
Keep doing that for us and we'll keep telling you what can be done, what we are able to do and what we are prepared to do to assist you in any way possible.
Your thread remember.

[boman]

You are right anika .. it does hurt and its really fucking sad ... but it is something that we learn to live with as well ...

the pain and the solitude is something that you also don't have to do on your own ... there are others out here like you.

Word for word what I could have said.

[alexm]

sorry..had an extra bad night. Hate how little things that won't affect anyone else affect me now. Like watching our son hurts, knowing Alex ins't here to see him. Cooking for one hurts. Not being able to watch programmes on tv that we used to watch together. Having to buy a new tooth brush, and then getting one for Alex too even though I know he won't be using it. Reaching into the cupboard to get a glass only to realise you're looking in the place they were in the house you shared together.Doing grocery shopping alone, when we even had fun doing that together. Every single thing in my day seems to be a reminder and no one else (I mean that I know, not in general) has to suffer this. No one elses daily lives were affected. I can barely drive without getting a panic attack, all I can think of is thats what Alex was doing in his last moments. I never knew grief could be so exhausting, paired with being a solo parent.

[caseye]

Hey Anika, good to see you back on your thread.Nothing is going to change all of what you have said is true, we out here can feel your pain but while we can sympathise we can do little else.
However.We are still here and we are all still standing quietly on the sideline watching you grow stronger and coping better and better each day.You may not think so, but it is true, your own words are still grim and unhappy but Anika you are describing life and you are doing it and looking after young Connor as well.
You do know we are here and you only have to ask and anything that can be done will be done.
Take care Anika and please give that little man a big hug from his and your fans out here.

[wysper]

Hi Anika

Take pride in what you are achieving every day. Take pride in a day survived and a new dawn watched. Take pride in you little one growing every day. Take strength from the love your little one gives you. I am a dad to two young ones and have only admiration for the strength you have as a solo parent.

[alexm]

Hi all,
I just wanted to write this will be my last post here. I wanted to thank you all for your support. I have been visiting here less often now for a few reasons; I do not have as much time on my hands as little Connor grows bigger and more energetic. He is close to walking now. I am also in contact via facebook with over a hundred young widows and I converse with them every day, which is where I find my support. Lastly, I feel increasingly uncomfortable sharing my deepest feelings with those who have not experienced the loss of a partner. It is something you cannot begin to understand unless you have been through it. Not to say that you all haven't been great, but sometimes you are met with negative responses and when you are so sensitive and grieving so hard these things can hurt very deeply and I'm not willing to put myself out there for that anymore. Connor is doing fantastic despite my probably poor parenting since Alex died, he is incredibly healthy and extremely happy. I already see Alex's personality shine through in him and I am afraid he is going to be a little troublemaker like Alex was when he was younger. I am still living with my mother (unfortunately). I am planning to go back to university sometime next year to study Health Science, and due to this I cannot really afford to move as I had planned.I will need some help from my family looking after Connor while I am studying, daycare is incredibly expensive. But we are doing ok, I am doing it so I can provide for Connor in the future now that Alex isn't here to provide for us. I really wanted to thank Paddy for offering the donations, and for the countless donations I got. It really touched me and as I was telling someone else I now always donate to a worthy cause, the latest being a scholarship another widow set up in her husbands name.
A certain thread has been bought to my attention alleging I could possibly be a fake. Well if anything Alex’s death has opened my eyes up to the fact that a lot of truly good people really do die young whilst a lot of stupid idiots will live to 100. While I know 99% of people are probably intelligent enough to see I am not..if you do think I am, why don't you take a look at my album on here.There are photos of what your donations have gone to; that is our son Connor. There are ones of Alex, or Alex and Connor or me. And just for those of you who doubt me, there is one of Alex's grave, where I happened to spend my 20th birthday on the 1st of May. You may wonder why I have a photo of his grave, and I won’t explain because thats something else you won’t understand unless you lost your partner. That grave which also had nothing except an empty vase when I went there. I try to keep it looking nice, I guess its my way of still taking care of him. The only other proof I could provide you with is his death certificate (which I will not do). Oh, and I can also assure you I did not set up an account on behalf of Alex's father, sister, boss, friend, my uncle, and the person who was there with Alex when he died.
And I know some of you have offered to meet me, and I will clarify why that has not happened. I rarely leave my house. I leave it when I need to go to the grocery shop, the doctors, or Alex's grave. Basically, when I HAVE to. For a while driving gave me panic attacks. I have not even seen any of my friends in the 8 months since Alex passed away. Alex and I used to attend family dinners every Monday with my whole family. I can't even go to those anymore. So that is why.
Again, thank you all. To anyone who reached out to me.I know it must have been horrible to listen to my grief-stricken rants. Now I’m writing yet another one, sorry. I won't be posting again but feel free to pm me, but know you don't have to. I've gone through a lot of things alone and I realise this is just something else that has to be done alone.
Anika

[caseye]

Sounds to me Anika, like it's a moving on thing and that tells me that no matter how hard it has all been , you are ready to do so.
I'm just glad we were able to help you and Connor in some small way.
Paddy did a remarkable thing and deserves all the credit for starting our long association.
I have to say, you've come along way, I know its not anything like all the way and i'm sure you will have many more hurdles to leap.
But, now I'm happy that you have written us to say thanks and goodbye.
Mark aka Caseye.

[Gone Burger]

Hi Anika.

I wanted to wish you all the very best. I can understand why you may not be visiting this site too often and am sad to hear that there may be some on here that have offended you. I have been following your updates for a wee while and truly do wish you the best. Your little boy Connor is an angel (although I'm sure he's not all the time :)) and he will continue to bring you love and happiness for the rest of your life, as he would have to Alex's too. His bright and beautiful eyes hold so much hope for the future, for your future and his.

So many of us on here that have not met you before, support you 100% and hope that one day, however long that may take, you do find happiness again. I can already see the strength that you are beginning to find, and it will lead you through what ever path your life may take you.

Thank you for your contact with us over the past wee while. I will be sad to not have any more updates from you, but know that you are doing that for the right reasons.

Take care girl, and love that little boy, and yourself, with your whole heart like we all know you do. You will be thought of often.
Katie

[John_H]

All the best, take one day at a time and keep your chin up.

John