Young death - Donations

[paddy]

Hi Guys,

I have asked Anika to provide me with her bank account details so that WE can assist her in the most practical way that we can (given that we don't know her) - that is financially. I know from this thread and my email correspondence that she is only 19 and that she has an 8 month old son, Conner. I know that they certainly hadn't planned for such a loss.

I am putty out the call to all those abound in the Kiwibiker community. I would like to think that as a group we could pull together at least $1000. There are after all slightly over 1000 members. If, as a community, we can't do that then why are we bothering.

I know that there are accidents all of the time and I wouldn't always take this approach. I certainly don't want to minimise anyone elses suffering or pain. But I am touched by the young age of Alex, Anika, and Conner. I hope that we can take this opportunity for our assistance to go beyond condolences and moral support.

If people want to PM me, then as soon as I receive her bank details I will pass them on. Alternatively, you can get money directly to me and I will pass it on to her (I live in Whangaparaoa, I believe she is in that vicinity somewhere).

I'm have launched this off in a separate thread so that it is more obvious. Please see the original thread for condolences:

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=108174

Patrick


As I was writing this post - Anika has responded. I am not going to post her account number here (PM me instead) - I know in theory that is fairly safe but I don't want to be the one that tempts fate. I did however want to post the rest of her email:

"Hi, my account number is XX. alex would be happy
to know there are people who care about his son. he was a really good
person and I believe he would have done the same for other
people.thank you so much" -- Anika

[imdying]

If, as a community, we can't do that then why are we bothering.Cause we're here to talk shit about bikes and not run a charity? :confused:

Having said that, shitty position to find yourself in, so feel free to PM the details through.

[alexm]

Hi,
I just wanted to say of course I expect nothing from total strangers. For those who want to help out of the kindness of their hearts I am so grateful at such a difficult time in which I am feeling suicidal while trying to take care of an 8 week old baby, and pay bills when now there is no income it really makes me believe there is goodness out there and maybe a reason to go on. In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

[Maha]

Hi,
I just wanted to say of course I expect nothing from total strangers. For those who want to help out of the kindness of their hearts I am so grateful at such a difficult time in which I am feeling suicidal while trying to take care of an 8 week old baby, and pay bills when now there is no income it really makes me believe there is goodness out there and maybe a reason to go on. In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

There are lot of wonderful people here anika, dont ever feel that you will intruding if you want anything ok? Big Breathe sweetie, you have a wee man in your life that will always need you. It is the toughest of times for you right now, I cant even imagine how tough but, there is no shame in accepting money from people you dont know at a time like this.

Mark

[paddy]

Hi,
I just wanted to say of course I expect nothing from total strangers. For those who want to help out of the kindness of their hearts I am so grateful at such a difficult time in which I am feeling suicidal while trying to take care of an 8 week old baby, and pay bills when now there is no income it really makes me believe there is goodness out there and maybe a reason to go on. In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

I suspect that may mean more to you than the money itself. Do go and speak with WINZ though. They will help you. What we can do for you financially will only carry you so far. (Although I hope the sentiment will carry you much further.)

P.

[Sheba]

I'm thankful some view this as a real community that can and will reach out to those who really need help. Take care Anika, you really are in my thoughts and prayers. Stand strong, you have wonderful memories, and are blessed with a child to carry you through.

[The Pastor]

I don't have much, but i can give a little, please PM me the number

[StoneY]

I don't have much, but i can give a little, please PM me the number

RM for once we are on the same page-

Organiser- Pm me details man- cant contribute till the 2nd but certainly worth a donation to wee Connor and Anika sanity

Anika, I cannot imagine the grief and anguish your facing right now, but be strong for the kids mate, just be strong

God bless you and the little ones, peace mate, peace

[jono035]

Let me know the details.

I agree with Maha, don't be afraid to ask for any other help, there are a lot of people here who would love to be able to help out in some way.

[spookytooth]

pm me a postal address i havent figured this internet banking shit out only know how to drive cheques

[Genestho]

Hi,
I just wanted to say of course I expect nothing from total strangers. For those who want to help out of the kindness of their hearts I am so grateful at such a difficult time in which I am feeling suicidal while trying to take care of an 8 week old baby, and pay bills when now there is no income it really makes me believe there is goodness out there and maybe a reason to go on. In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

You will have entitlements, get a case manager from WINZ, you are entitled to so many hours free childcare if you have no income. Stop Mortgage payments and take a holiday from it for 3 months, if renting, ring your landlord - same thing. That should be enough time to sort finances.

You will get subsidised counselling through winz, visit the doctor, and he will refer you, that will enable the free childcare if you think you need it as well.
Don't be afraid to ask for tranquilisers either, I confess, I had a few halves. These will keep you calm as you deal with the funeral and the overwhelming paperwork to come.

Grief services is free.
ACC will pay towards the funeral, although you may have to be married! But the funeral home will give you a brochure which will have the info in it.

Through ACC you may be entitled to lump sum payments for you and bub, and weekly payments for you both till bub leaves home or is 16 - which ever comes first.

I know what you are going through as I had to look after a 7 month and three year old when my bloke was killed! There are heaps of widows with kids, but you may not feel like meeting people like that for a while.

If you want to talk pm me :)

First things first, get your tax numbers, birth certificates and marriage certificate if applicable - together, and the funeral home will enact the Death cert, you will need a few copies signed by a JP - For free JP's call Citizens Advice Bureaugh. (The task to do all of that is hard, I know - but you have to, get your family, and his family to help if you can't face it)

If there is no life insurance or no will, (or even if there is!) call ACC check your entitlements, if that's a zero, then call winz get a case manager, and explain.

Condolences to you, and bub. :hug: Stay Strong, your wee bub needs you! PM if you need anything!!!!!!

[Mom]

Hi,
I just wanted to say of course I expect nothing from total strangers. For those who want to help out of the kindness of their hearts I am so grateful at such a difficult time in which I am feeling suicidal while trying to take care of an 8 week old baby, and pay bills when now there is no income it really makes me believe there is goodness out there and maybe a reason to go on. In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

Hey sweetie, being a new Mom is hard enough without having to attempt to cope with the loss of your lovely man as well. Concentrate on the most important thing here, and that is you :yes:

You need to step back and "be" at the moment, your little man needs you. Let those that can help you out, help you, and most importantly you must ask for help when you need to. There are no prizes for being tough in these situations. May you be overwhelmed with support at this horrible time in your life.

Anne

[gwigs]

Please PM me details ,I,d like to help out too..

[Mom]

In the future I would like to pay it forward to others who need help.

Listen to this lady, she has been there done that.


Condolences to you, and bub. :hug: PM if you need anything!!!!!!

You are a beautiful woman!

[paddy]

I don't have much, but i can give a little, please PM me the number

You know, that's the spirit. It doesn't take one rich person, just many people who are prepared to give a little each...

[caseye]

Paddy, I'd like to get that Pm too please, Anika, KB is literally just a goup of peole who hang out in cyber space, but I can tell you that having talked to peole on here and then having the pleasure of meeting them they become instantly people you know and trust(not always , perhaps) but generally speaking thats how it's gone for me, take their wishes for better times for you and yours and make sure, that you are Ok, thats what we who ask for Paddy to Pm them want for you and your family.Take care and god bless.

[PrincessBandit]

Please PM me details ,I,d like to help out too..

Same, please pm me.

[davo]

I don't frequent KB that often, or have much wisdom in this situation to hand out. Regardless I think of myself as part of the community, and will happily help out how I can. Please PM me the bank acc also.

[boman]

Anika, if ACC havn't been in touch with you yet, contact them. They might be able to provide you with some assistance, because of death by accident.

PM me the details also. Thank you.

[Ypawa]

:(:weep: tis a sad day. KIA KAHA Anika and whanau...may you all find peace in the memories of Alex... share the love kbers

[Ypawa]

please PM details...thanx

[Pedrostt500]

PM me the details, sorry for your loss.

[Marknz]

Please PM me the details

Condolensces to all the family

[howdamnhard]

Pm details please, would like to help. Some good advise given , use it and get help, you are not alone. Use family and friends. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Paul in NZ]

Yeah - pm me too, bastard of a thing to happen kiddo, I feel for ya.

How are you off for stuff for the baby - bound to be a few spare bits around this lot, they all breed like rabits (well the ones that can get dates). I'm not much use there - too old, all our baby kits long gone ....

Anyway - chin up, no more talk of depression or other dark thoughts. Its only up from here...

[Oakie]

Yeah, PM me too. My spare money is probably better invested here than on anything I could spend it on for myself.

[PrincessBandit]

Internet banking is so handy - already done Anika.
For all our bull and posturing at times people on here are really good sorts; lots of prayers going your way and I'm sure many who will help in other practical ways too. Please do post to let us know how you are getting on - and if there is anything else we can do to help you through this awful time.

Dawn

[Mom]

We were going to start a widows www. But some of us poured our focus elsewheres.<_<

PM me the details too please :)


There is a young widows www!

Um, I dont have the details...Nasty does though

One moment caller...

[Laxi]

can ya pm me too, cant give much but i'll do what I can. truely heartfelt sorrow to anika and conner, it's on my mind every time I get on the bike, not scared for myself but for leaving my family. stay strong:hug:

[Oakie]

Transfer made.

Thanks for your efforts on this Paddy.

[alexm]

wow i am stunned. i never knew people cared. if you had known alex you would have known he was the best. the best guy ever my soulmate he was always happy not fair to be taken away from me at only 21 we had the rest of our lives planned.i dont know if im making sense but i love you alex and im sorry and all of you who are helping me out it just truly saved me i had already taking a couple of pills and started the alcohol but your kindmessages saved me truly thank u so much

[Genestho]

wow i am stunned. i never knew people cared. if you had known alex you would have known he was the best. the best guy ever my soulmate he was always happy not fair to be taken away from me at only 21 we had the rest of our lives planned.i dont know if im making sense but i love you alex and im sorry and all of you who are helping me out it just truly saved me i had already taking a couple of pills and started the alcohol but your kindmessages saved me truly thank u so much
Look, do you and bub a favour, and lay off the booze, you'll go down big time hun. Go drink some water.
You're going to have to get up to Connor. He'll need you to change his nappies, and have a feed.

It is not fair. But remember your man wouldnt want to see you go off the rails. Try and remember that. Ok? :hug:

[Firefight]

pls pm me her bank account # also


F/F

[caseye]

Anika, caring comes in many guises, some here have suffered as you have, they say little but beleive me if you look like faltering it'll be them literally knocking on your door.
Take heart from the words and the deeds of those who have responded in any way to this thread.
know that you are not alone, let us ask to be of help and don't be afraid to say what it is you need.Then we can literally do some good for you and yours.

[chanceyy]

bank account details plz Paddy

Anika I am truly sorry for your and bubs loss, Please take T.G.W up on her offer of help. Only another person who has been through what your going through can truly understand.

Definitely lay off the alcohol, though it really does not help the pain .. you have everything to live for with your wee man

:hug:

[dogsnbikes]

Pm details Paddy

Anika listen to the gurls,chanceyy's the bossiest mum I know and like so many people here has a heart of gold

[mnkyboy]

I'd like that PM too

[sels1]

bank account details plz Paddy

Anika, I dont have anything clever to say, just heartfelt condolences.
Focus one your little one - you will get each other through

[alexm]

i havent been "on teh booze" hadnt touched ir for 11 months untillast weekend alex i had do much fun, my mum offeref me wine I Said no cause it doesnt take away the hurt..only took a few pils and glass on wine caue im so stuck between wanting to be with alex again or loking after connor,but my mum is her taking care of connor, he has a whole big family who loves himand would do anything for him, whole family agreed to bury alex in auckland, where he was born, lived for 14 years, lived with me and where our son was born, where alex would have stayed with me for the rest of his life. Now his mum wana take him down to Tauranga where he spent only 8 yrs of his life and dint consider home. home to him was in whangaparaoa with me and his son, but she dont care wat alex would have wanted, alexs father and brother agree he shoud syay in auckland buthis mum wont have it. so now my babys been taken away from me evenmore. will hardly be ever able to go down there, talk to him, bring hm flowers, tell him allthe things connor is doing, this news had out me over the edge so u see i wana go 2 alex if theres nothing else left excpt my son and i cnt b a good mother anymore anywy now,better to br with my soul mate alex

[paddy]

i havent been "on teh booze" hadnt touched ir for 11 months untillast weekend alex i had do much fun, my mum offeref me wine I Said no cause it doesnt take away the hurt..only took a few pils and glass on wine caue im so stuck between wanting to be with alex again or loking after connor,but my mum is her taking care of connor, he has a whole big family who loves himand would do anything for him, whole family agreed to bury alex in auckland, where he was born, lived for 14 years, lived with me and where our son was born, where alex would have stayed with me for the rest of his life. Now his mum wana take him down to Tauranga where he spent only 8 yrs of his life and dint consider home. home to him was in whangaparaoa with me and his son, but she dont care wat alex would have wanted, alexs father and brother agree he shoud syay in auckland buthis mum wont have it. so now my babys been taken away from me evenmore. will hardly be ever able to go down there, talk to him, bring hm flowers, tell him allthe things connor is doing, this news had out me over the edge so u see i wana go 2 alex if theres nothing else left excpt my son and i cnt b a good mother anymore anywy now,better to br with my soul mate alex

Anika,

I know that you are hurting right now. I am sure Alex's Mum is hurting too. Pain can make people behave in funny ways. I am sure that you can be a good mother to your son. I am sure he will love you very much. I am also sure that as he grows he will learn to love his Daddy through you. Through the stories you tell and the love you share.

I would like you to consider something though. It's called a contract. I can see that you are feeling like dying and being with Alex might be a good away out. I would ask you to make a contract with someone. (I'm not the right person, perhaps someone you know, or perhaps someone on this site might offer.) It goes like this:

You agree with, whomever it is, that if you are seriously thinking about ending your life you will talk to them first. That's it. It's really simple and really helpful.

I also wanted to leave you with the number of the Auckland Crisis Action Team. If you feel like you have no-one to call and need someone to stop you right then you can call them:

CAT TEAM: 0800 800 717

If you just need someone to listen you can also utilise Youthline:

Ph: 0800 37 66 33
TXT: 234
Email: talk@youthline.co.nz

P.

[alexm]

its too hard i have thought and thought it makes me so happy u guys care, but no amount of counselling or thats guna change my mind.course ilove him so much but my loving family will give him more u see i dont want to go on i always hadnt sinced 14 and then i got everythng I wanted, an amazing boyfriend andbetween us had so much love, respect and funny crazy times together.i want that and im never gona get it any other way.plz dont make me feel guilty bout my connor he is beautiful he will be happy with my family they will do a better job than I do right noe i can hardly look at him, just wana b with alex.just so u know imnot an alcoholic i had half a glass its my stupid sleeing anf anxiety pills making me feel like a retard typing. thanks for all the caring truly

[Genestho]

Anika.

I seriously considered taking my life too. I thought, if I died, I'd be with my man. For awhile my kids couldn't even stop me from thinking this way, because they were so young and demand on me was so high. It was too hard.

But then I looked at them, and they were so cute, and so funny, and so innocent. They didn't deserve to lose their mum as well.

I can say to you, I never thought I'd smile again, and I do.
Never thought I'd laugh again, and I do!!
I'm quite funny actually:laugh:

I've sent you my number. You can call me. Anytime. Day or night. I'm a stranger, but I've been where you are right now, if that helps. :hug:

[Sheba]

Lots of people seem to be reaching out, take what help you can get. Don't look too far ahead, that overwhelms and brings on more grief....

Just take things, not even one day at a time, but perhaps one hour at a time. Think about what you and Conner need to just get through the next moment until you are strong enough to think beyond 'today'.

You can do it Anika.

[Mully]

Anika,

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things will get better for you. Trust me on this one.

I can't donate anything, but if Miss Mully or I can help with anything (stuff delivered somewhere, etc) sing out.

Please talk to someone - qualified or not - and do it soon.

Kia Kaha.

Mully.

[Genestho]

Just make it through the night. Each day is it's own journey. I found when a day was tough, go to sleep, it might be better. Day by day it was. You can do it.

[MadDuck]

its too hard i have thought and thought it makes me so happy u guys care, but no amount of counselling or thats guna change my mind.course ilove him so much but my loving family will give him more u see i dont want to go on i always hadnt sinced 14 and then i got everythng I wanted, an amazing boyfriend andbetween us had so much love, respect and funny crazy times together.i want that and im never gona get it any other way.plz dont make me feel guilty bout my connor he is beautiful he will be happy with my family they will do a better job than I do right noe i can hardly look at him, just wana b with alex.just so u know imnot an alcoholic i had half a glass its my stupid sleeing anf anxiety pills making me feel like a retard typing. thanks for all the caring truly

It is a natural reaction to a very terrible situation. It will take time and it wont be an easy road for you or your lovely son. I live in Whangaparaoa - Stanmore Bay Anika so if you need anything please just ask. DO NOT be afraid to seek help.

My cell is 0274 982 343. I cant say I have been there but dammit if you need to pick up the phone and just let it out....I will be there

[ManDownUnder]

Proud to help. Send me the bank account number!!!!!!!!

[chanceyy]

Anika

I am sorry I did not mean to imply you were drinking just stating a fact that alcohol does not lesson the pain.

Your son deserves to know his mother & no family member can replace you.

You have shared some fantastic times with Alex and you are the only one who can truly relate to him when he is old enough how his dad was, and who he was .. even his own family would not know him as well as you do.

please please please take T.G.W up on her offer, give her a call, she truly can understand your depth of despair and grief, we care and all here too, being able to post will give you an outlet, please feel free to do so.

[Gareth51]

Bank details please paddy

Anika,my condolences for you and your family
Gareth

[boman]

Just make it through the night. Each day is it's own journey. I found when a day was tough, go to sleep, it might be better. Day by day it was. You can do it.

What she says. One moment at a time. Take this advise from people who know what it is like, at this time in your life.

Take care.

[alexm]

i know wat u guys are saying I know of course I will be happy in the end, but the thing is i DONT WANNA BE.i know i might find another great guy but no one and i mean no one close to Alex he was the most amazing person to me he trated my like an angel he knew how to make me happy and I made him happy. this why i wana go to him, cause I dont want a future only want alex and what I had.dont wana sound like connor meand nothing to me he does so much i love him to pieced i feel like shit for wanting to leave him but dont try make me feel bad and imply i dont love him he is beautiful i want the best for him and that isnt me no more i dont even wana take care of him my mum is cause i cant do it. best for me to be with my love and connor to grow up like a normal child without his mum who was always suicidical sometimes before but this time it sets me off to far but im scared but i gota b with alex

[ManDownUnder]

PM Published with permission.


Mate - what you are either experiencing or about to experience is probably going to rock Anika's world.

I've been in exactly your position and KB blew me away. The cash is one thing... the kindness and support of others in emotional and very practical ways is quite another.

Meals for these days to get her though, clothes for her son, and God only know what other things that are going to be needed are all available.

Don't be scared to ask for stuff, and now is not the time to be modest about accepting the offers of others that appear to be strangers. We're not strangers. Don't even think that for a second.

Check the thread http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=55054 (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=55054)

It's been done before.... so go for it!

$1,000 should be a walk in the park. Who's up for another head shaving session? It's been a few years...

What's the total at right now do we know?

[paddy]

Hi guys,

Just to clarify, I don't actually know Anika and I found out in the forum just like the rest of y'all, so those of you that are PM'ing me to offer assistance other than money (meals, working bees, etcetera) may be better to post directly in the thread.

To be honest, I'm struggling to keep up with the requests for her bank account number. I didn't quite anticipate the response! If I'm allowed to say, without it sounding too corny, I'm proud of us. For a group of argumentative grouches (excuse me generalising) we all do seem to be able to pull together and put our differences aside when it truly counts.

P.

[paddy]

i know wat u guys are saying I know of course I will be happy in the end, but the thing is i DONT WANNA BE.i know i might find another great guy but no one and i mean no one close to Alex he was the most amazing person to me he trated my like an angel he knew how to make me happy and I made him happy. this why i wana go to him, cause I dont want a future only want alex and what I had.dont wana sound like connor meand nothing to me he does so much i love him to pieced i feel like shit for wanting to leave him but dont try make me feel bad and imply i dont love him he is beautiful i want the best for him and that isnt me no more i dont even wana take care of him my mum is cause i cant do it. best for me to be with my love and connor to grow up like a normal child without his mum who was always suicidical sometimes before but this time it sets me off to far but im scared but i gota b with alex

Anika, do you have anyone with you at the moment? Is there anyone that could stay with you for a little while?

[MadDuck]

I didn't quite anticipate the response! If I'm allowed to say, without it sounding too corny, I'm proud of us. For a group of argumentative grouches (excuse me generalising) we all do seem to be able to pull together and put our differences aside when it truly counts.

P.

It is what KB is about. When you cut through all the bullshit.

[Mort]

Anika - the heartbreak you are going through right now is awful and is at its absolute worst right now. Many readers here can only imagine the distress you are feeling now. You will never feel worse than you do now but you will, gradually, come to terms with the loss of Alex. You need to be with family and friends and especially Connor. He may be just a tiny baby but you are his whole world and his entire future. Only you can give the love and meaning every child needs in their lives. Focus on him and you will find the strength to deal with this terrible situation and move on together and find happiness. Alex would lovingly expect this of you just as you had every expectation that he would remain a loving father. To raise his boy with the love you both have for him is the best possible testament to the love you have for Alex.

Keep talking and posting. There are people out there who you have never met and never will, who are with you now.

[Maha]

i know wat u guys are saying I know of course I will be happy in the end, but the thing is i DONT WANNA BE.i know i might find another great guy but no one and i mean no one close to Alex he was the most amazing person to me he trated my like an angel he knew how to make me happy and I made him happy. this why i wana go to him, cause I dont want a future only want alex and what I had.dont wana sound like connor meand nothing to me he does so much i love him to pieced i feel like shit for wanting to leave him but dont try make me feel bad and imply i dont love him he is beautiful i want the best for him and that isnt me no more i dont even wana take care of him my mum is cause i cant do it. best for me to be with my love and connor to grow up like a normal child without his mum who was always suicidical sometimes before but this time it sets me off to far but im scared but i gota b with alex


Bit of tough love here Anika..
Explain to me how the hell Conner will grow up normal with both his Mum and Dad not around?
You are young and something as tragic as the loss of your soulmate so early in life must be the absolute worst thing to deal with, but deal with it you must. For your sake and for Conners sake, and not forgetting Alex. He will be there with you, dont let him down, make him proud of you, and his son, its what he would have wanted.

Mark

[alexm]

the thing is its so easy to say all those things to me, and i dont blame you my mum has said the same things to me.butp u dont know how i feel alex was my lifep im sorry but we loved eachoter a bit more than we loved connor because we hadnt got to know connor as a person yet. I love connor so much i wouldnt leave him if i didnt feel he would be looked after, I have a large warm family who will take him as his own..i know u think im selfish but im not i would take connor with me if i could so we could all be together as a family but i cant do that to him.its just so hard 2 exlain the only person who would understand and know is alex and hes not here and i need him. rest assured connor will be taken care of by people who love and adore him

[Nasty]

the thing is its so easy to say all those things to me, and i dont blame you my mum has said the same things to me.butp u dont know how i feel alex was my lifep im sorry but we loved eachoter a bit more than we loved connor because we hadnt got to know connor as a person yet. I love connor so much i wouldnt leave him if i didnt feel he would be looked after, I have a large warm family who will take him as his own..i know u think im selfish but im not i would take connor with me if i could so we could all be together as a family but i cant do that to him.its just so hard 2 exlain the only person who would understand and know is alex and hes not here and i need him. rest assured connor will be taken care of by people who love and adore him

Anika .... I am a member of another forum ... www.ywbb.org .... this is for young people who have lost their husband/partner/lover .... there are a lot of young mums and there are a lot of people who know exactly what you are going through right now. There are a few kiwis there ... and we all support each other ...

[Grahameeboy]

the thing is its so easy to say all those things to me, and i dont blame you my mum has said the same things to me.butp u dont know how i feel alex was my lifep im sorry but we loved eachoter a bit more than we loved connor because we hadnt got to know connor as a person yet. I love connor so much i wouldnt leave him if i didnt feel he would be looked after, I have a large warm family who will take him as his own..i know u think im selfish but im not i would take connor with me if i could so we could all be together as a family but i cant do that to him.its just so hard 2 exlain the only person who would understand and know is alex and hes not here and i need him. rest assured connor will be taken care of by people who love and adore him

The thing is that it is easy to live on too...Connor needs you...you don't bring a child into this world to let other people look after them...how will your folks feel if you end it all..that's more than just Connor's life that you are destroying...suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with...your folks will always ask themselves what they could have done better and will live with the guilt...especially looking at Connor.

You say that Alex will understand...you sure...will he understand why you joined him and left Connor..."No".

It's not easy right now...but it will get better...you know where you will get your strength from....a little 8 week old boy called "Connor"...I have a gorgeous 6 year old Daughter who will be lucky to make 20...she gives me strength...you have a little boy who you can watch grow up, maybe have a family, grand kids...you still have a lot to live for...and please, and I know you must have had loads, check out the things in my pm.

Let KB take your burdens for now

[dave_a]

Please PM me account number to.

[Genestho]

the thing is its so easy to say all those things to me, and i dont blame you my mum has said the same things to me.butp u dont know how i feel alex was my lifep im sorry but we loved eachoter a bit more than we loved connor because we hadnt got to know connor as a person yet. I love connor so much i wouldnt leave him if i didnt feel he would be looked after, I have a large warm family who will take him as his own..i know u think im selfish but im not i would take connor with me if i could so we could all be together as a family but i cant do that to him.its just so hard 2 exlain the only person who would understand and know is alex and hes not here and i need him. rest assured connor will be taken care of by people who love and adore him

Honey. I understand. It's raw. And very unreal I bet.



Day at a time, don't think too far. (although if money is an issue you do need to sort it, as said earlier get family to help)

:hug: Please post so we know you're ok :) Hang with friends and family, let them do everything for you, cuddle your son. X

[PrincessBandit]

Hi Anika

today is another day. A lot of us were thinking about you through the night.
I hope you will endure today with the love and support from your family and friends.

Keep writing, keep posting. Thinking of your and your wee bub.

[Oakie]

Yeah, let us know you're OK huh. There are a lot of people here who are sharing your pain.

[Mom]

Hi Guys,


Hey paddy

I guess by now you are feeling the full effects of the support of KB when something like this happens. Good upon you too for putting your hand up to get the ball rolling. Just a thought here though, why not put that bank account up on here, it has happened before and has never been abused. That way you dont have to attempt to keep up with the PM's.

For everyone else there, you rock! It is at times like this I am very proud to be a KBer!

Hey MDU! My clippers are sharp and always ready, I could bring along my famous hair wax if you prefer :blip:

[madbikeboy]

Could you PM me the account please. MBB.

[Fatt Max]

Please PM me the details.

I am happy to donate all of the proceeds from the sale of one of my songs to help out, cant do much more at this time but will do what I can.

Thoughts are with you, take care

[Sheba]

My thoughts and prayers have been with you throughout the night. Please keep us posted Anika.

[Xsasinator]

I have been lucky over this so called recession to still be able to have some disposable income, and rather than spending it on myself i would like to help you out Anika & Conner, stick in there.

to the KB community - good to see everyone getting involved and helping out those that need it.

[Smiffy]

Hey Paddy

Send me the bank details. I would be happy to help out.

[Conquiztador]

Please forward account details. Wish there was more I could do.

[ynot slow]

the thing is its so easy to say all those things to me, and i dont blame you my mum has said the same things to me.butp u dont know how i feel alex was my lifep im sorry but we loved eachoter a bit more than we loved connor because we hadnt got to know connor as a person yet. I love connor so much i wouldnt leave him if i didnt feel he would be looked after, I have a large warm family who will take him as his own..i know u think im selfish but im not i would take connor with me if i could so we could all be together as a family but i cant do that to him.its just so hard 2 exlain the only person who would understand and know is alex and hes not here and i need him. rest assured connor will be taken care of by people who love and adore him

Way sorry about your news,but THINK.Yes it is going to be hard,and more so now rather than later.Worst part is one day he's here next is gone.Live for your future,it will get better,and I can't say what it's like to lose a parent,let alone both,but imagine your son when he grows into a man,be there for him.

[Waxxa]

which KBers live up Whangaparoa way?

get the address off Paddy or who ever and someone get around to Anikas place...Physically!!!!

i dont like what I'm reading here, although all advice and grand thoughts offered are well directed and intended....but can someone get around there?

Madduck, you work up in Whangaparoa dont you?

[paddy]

get the address off Paddy or who ever and someone get around to Anikas place...Physically!!!!

Just to clarify - I don't have Anika's address. My only contact has been via this forum.

P.

[PrincessBandit]

I believe MadDuck has given her cell number to Anika, but obviously unless Anika chooses to phone her it won't get too far.

A lot of people on here really want to help but Anika has to want it, and accept it in order for it to work. Many people have pmed her I'm sure, and they could indicate if they're local enough to pop around to see how she's getting on if she's agreeable to that.

[IdunBrokdItAgin]

Anika my condolences. Shite situation, hopefully things become easier over time. Alex seemed like a good sort from what I've read.

Donation made for both you and Conner.

[Dutchee]

Anika, I sent you a PM asking you to contact me for a phone number.
I've spoken to this person and told her what's up. She's away from tomorrow night until Tuesday, but willing to do a house-call in this situation, so you don't have to have transport.
Please take me up on the offer, seriously, she's been so much help to me (I know my situation and also know it pales in comparison to what you're going through but it's what I'm going through/have been through).
If anyone does have contact with Anika, can you just post she's okay.
I know suicidal, hell, I live with it daily and am often amazed I'm still here. I'm at the stage now where suicide is actually almost harder than living, but it's been a long road and thanks to a lot of love from some special people.
Michelle

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Just to clarify - I don't have Anika's address. My only contact has been via this forum.

P.

I know where she lives.

Wendy

[chanceyy]

Anika - I understand your at your parents home. :hug: girl and :hug: to Conner, draw on your families strength and their caring love to help you through the grief.

I know a number of ppl here really want to help and support you. I hope you take those ppl up on their offer, and feel free to keep posting.

[boman]

Yea please keep posting, at least we know you are ok, ish.

[Genestho]

Anika - I understand your at your parents home. :hug: girl and :hug: to Conner, draw on your families strength and their caring love to help you through the grief.

I know a number of ppl here really want to help and support you. I hope you take those ppl up on their offer, and feel free to keep posting.

Awesome, she is where she needs to be, and with her wee man too no doubt.

:hug: Anika. Thoughts are with you guys.

[Pedrostt500]

Donation made

[alexm]

guys, thank you so much for all the donations.its good not to feel alone. i relly am torn between wanting to raise my son myself instead of having my mum do it, and also the fact that I really just dont think i can carry on, nor want to anymore. i know some of u think im selfish but i thought i was going to marry the most wonderful man in the world, have our second child and grow old together. i never expected to be a widow with an 8 week old baby at 16.i must be invincible anyway 5 stress relief pills and 5 sleeping pills combined with alchohol and still disappointing to wake up. i know i have my son to live for but nothing with him is good anymore cause alex isnt there to see it, i love him but i need alex more

[Genestho]

guys, thank you so much for all the donations.its good not to feel alone. i relly am torn between wanting to raise my son myself instead of having my mum do it, and also the fact that I really just dont think i can carry on, nor want to anymore. i know some of u think im selfish but i thought i was going to marry the most wonderful man in the world, have our second child and grow old together. i never expected to be a widow with an 8 week old baby at 16.i must be invincible anyway 5 stress relief pills and 5 sleeping pills combined with alchohol and still disappointing to wake up. i know i have my son to live for but nothing with him is good anymore cause alex isnt there to see it, i love him but i need alex more

Nah mate, you're not selfish, it's natural. You gotta big job on, possibly the worst of your life. Everything seems overwhelming I bet.

Sounds silly but Bach Rescue Remedy is good for calming yourself, natural too, and it works!

Best thing you can do right now, is stick with friends and family, and let them help you :hug:
That little dude is a big part of your man, you wait till he grows, you'll see Alex in him, as hard as that sounds - you'll be glad you stuck it out. :yes:

[howdamnhard]

That little dude is a big part of your man, you wait till he grows, you'll see Alex in him, and be glad you stuck it out. :yes:

Yes Alex lives on through Connor . Connor is made up of half of you and Alex. You will see Alex in him as he grows. It is up to you to tell him about his dad. Alex will live on in your and Connors memories.
Let Connor be your inspiration to live. It is normal to feel pain and want to die to escape it but in reality it will not solve anything and will create more pain. No one truly knows if or what happens in the afterlife but what you do know for certain is that you have a son who is part of Alex who needs you.Everyone needs their mum. You are Connors world.
Think what Alex would do if he was in your situation. He would cherish Connor and make sure that he knew his mom was a very special person and that he never forgot that. Thats what you need to do with Connor for Alex.

Go easy on the pills they will cloud your judgement and only make the pain last longer. The pain will diminish with time but you will always remember them and miss them. You will also remember all the good things about them and they will live in you as long as you live. Stay close to loved ones and let their love surround and wash over you. Don't look inward but outward. Don't dwell to much on the pain, distract yourself by looking outwards and just getting on with daily living and caring for Connor. Take it in bite sized manageable chunks.Go back to it but when it threatens to overwhelm you look outward and pull back. You are in no way diminishing your love for Alex by doing this. Do this amongst loved ones.
Sorry this is a bit wordy and I'm not good with words but your family doesn't need another tradgedy and your son needs a mother and suicide is not what Alex would have wanted for you.

[Paul in NZ]

Look - please forgive me because I'm an old prick and I'm a bit short on time so I'll be a bit blunt...

You are 16 and you have had a shocking experience - think about this, ask yourself, if someone explained this situation to me describing someone else, what would i think?? Do you really think you are in a situation to make any decisions???

Like I said - I'm older than dirt and I have 3 daughters older than you but I tell you one thing I know for sure. At 19 you will be a different person than you are now, at 25 you will be different again and by 30 you will wonder what all the fuss is about... You are not fully made yet and if you pull the plug you will never know what you were going to be. Its one of lifes little jokes that at 16 we think we are done growing but at 40 you suddenly realise you never really stop.

I'm not one for telling folks what to do other than give it time......

[chanceyy]

Sorry this is a bit wordy and I'm not good with words but your family doesn't need another tradgedy and your son needs a mother and suicide is not what Alex would have wanted for you.

I think you worded it beautifully and spot on the money :)






If I could bling you again I would


yeah Paul funny how at 16 you think you know everything & when you do get to forty you realise you knew nothing :yes:

[PrincessBandit]

Look - please forgive me because I'm an old prick and I'm a bit short on time so I'll be a bit blunt...

....... I tell you one thing I know for sure. At 19 you will be a different person than you are now, at 25 you will be different again and by 30 you will wonder what all the fuss is about... You are not fully made yet and if you pull the plug you will never know what you were going to be. Its one of lifes little jokes that at 16 we think we are done growing but at 40 you suddenly realise you never really stop.



The truth in this post is immeasurable. I could not have put it better. Although you feel right at this terrible moment in time your life is over, it is not. It is most certainly never going to be the same again but please read Paul in NZ's post with an open heart and mind.

Hope to see you here in kb later today Anika.

[Mystic13]

Hi Anika,

There will be a few on here that know that space you're in right now. The overwhelming sense of numbness where there is a huge hole, a loss of understanding and it's a pretty traumatic space.

A lot of people are saying things like plan for the future or think about the family or plan for Connor. Right now I would say forget the big decisions. You're experiencing overwhelming grief and trauma.

What's happening is you're body and mind are in a state of shock and struggling to cope. I'd encourage you to focus on the small decisions, the shower, having a nibble, those sorts of things. It's kind of like when you're on the plane and they always say in an emergency when the oxygen mask pop's down "Take care of yourself first, once you have your mask on and you're breathing okay then deal with young ones".

Right now your loving family will look after Connor and let them.

The thing is you haven't just lost Alex, you've lost a soul mate, you've lost the way you connect each day, you've lost the whole future that your mind had mapped out. To me that's like major surgery and it's painful. Your body and mind are going to take some time to adjust and while it does only make little decisions until the fog has lifted then start making slightly bigger ones then bigger ones etc.

I'd like you to agree to only making small decisions. Does that make sense?You've told us about how you're struggling to do even basic things to look after yourself. You can probably get an idea that you're not in the space to make a big decision.

You have been talking about a big decision. The other night where you tried to make a big decision about suicide. I'd like to think Alex was there supporting you as he does in that way that only he can and helped keep you safe. Let that big decision go. It's not time for that. It's time for the small decisions right now.

So that means agreeing to keep yourself safe. Taking the time to make small decisions about eating and sleeping and looking after you.

When you get further along and you can start making bigger decisions you'll be able to think about that warm loving way Alex had, how he loved you and his son, what he would have done for you and for him. He sounds like someone very special.

You've had small things go wrong in your life in the past and as you look back at them now they seem much smaller, you don't remember the bad stuff so much as all the good stuff. That's what it will be like out the otherside where you'll still talk and connect with Alex and have his support as you go forward.

This is a challenging time and right now and I'd encourage you to keep making the small decisions and keep you safe.

There has been a lot of advice about making the big decisions on here including from those that have been in your space and maybe forgotten what it was like right there where you are now. When that oxygen masks drops down and you're struggling you need to focus on those small decisions of keeping you safe first.

I am really happy that Connor has a loving family. And when you keep making those small decisions and let your body adjust through this traumatic event you can start to think about things for him then, like what your new life is, or how you'll tell him all those special things about his Dad or how you'll see Alex in him in so many things he does. Those things are for another day.

With time you're body will adjust. How do I know that? Well there are many of us that have been through that experience and the human body and mind has a resilience. You've may have experienced that in a small way in the past where things didn't go as you planned or a friend moved away and this is a large version of that.

Take care, make the small decisions, stay safe and let go of the big stuff.

Love and hugs from our family.

[Genestho]

Yep agreed to the aboves, and something like this changes you from the person you may have been, to the person you'll become, which will be a strong and independant woman, and a great Mum.

Alex will be proud :)

You need to stay calm, make no decisions until you need to, aim for the funeral, make it the best sendoff and what he would've wanted. Then aim for the next thing.
Little goals to aim for make time move, and time is the only healer. It doesn't fix anything but you will feel better with time as unbelievable as that sounds right now.

Try to avoid too many pills and booze, as it will give you a false reality. And will make it all last a little longer. Then reality will bite.

Remember everyday is another day closer to the sun. :hug:

Yikes Mystics, the basics, food. I remember a friend following me round with a banana, "have you eaten, have you eaten" and making me sit down and eat it.

I agree I was hasty with the income thing. I saw the words no income, and thought I should suggest something, but it is too soon.

But at least it's there now.

[alexm]

Hi,
I went last night without any pills or alcohol. My son slept next to me and I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my arm around him thinking it was alex. it was so hard because alex always put his arms around me as we slept. Of course I know what Alex wanted, he would have wanted me to stay strong, to raise Connor, but he also knows that he was more important than anything to me and me to him. Thats why its so hard but I do love my son so much. Of course I know in a year the pain will be so much less and that makes me sad even more because I dont want the memories of him to fade or to forget the sound of his voice, how his arms felt around me and the stupid things he'd say to make me laugh. I dont want to get through this. I am trying but I'm just not sure if I will make it. I am not thinking irrationally I have thought this through and through. I am also 19 and a half not 16, Alex was 21. I believe I'm alot more mature than people older than me. I have been through alot already, suffered emotional and physical abuse, moved out at 16, and I came out through strong and Alex made me even stronger. So please dont say I am immature Alex and I often agreed we made better parents than alot of people decades older than us. Everyones concern and advice, unwanted or not, has really helped me thank you so much. My memory is not there at the moment, I have no perception of time but my mum said a man called Din came to our house. Thank you for your concern. and thank you all for the donations they will be such a huge huge help in all my moving costs, sadly I will have to give up the home Alex and I shared together, and also just formula, wipes and nappies for Connor. Love to all of you

[Quasi]

Hi,
I went last night without any pills or alcohol. My son slept next to me and I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my arm around him thinking it was alex. it was so hard because alex always put his arms around me as we slept. Of course I know what Alex wanted, he would have wanted me to stay strong, to raise Connor, but he also knows that he was more important than anything to me and me to him. Thats why its so hard but I do love my son so much. Of course I know in a year the pain will be so much less and that makes me sad even more because I dont want the memories of him to fade or to forget the sound of his voice, how his arms felt around me and the stupid things he'd say to make me laugh. I dont want to get through this. I am trying but I'm just not sure if I will make it. I am not thinking irrationally I have thought this through and through. I am also 19 and a half not 16, Alex was 21. I believe I'm alot more mature than people older than me. I have been through alot already, suffered emotional and physical abuse, moved out at 16, and I came out through strong and Alex made me even stronger. So please dont say I am immature Alex and I often agreed we made better parents than alot of people decades older than us. Everyones concern and advice, unwanted or not, has really helped me thank you so much. My memory is not there at the moment, I have no perception of time but my mum said a man called Din came to our house. Thank you for your concern. and thank you all for the donations they will be such a huge huge help in all my moving costs, sadly I will have to give up the home Alex and I shared together, and also just formula, wipes and nappies for Connor. Love to all of you

Hey Anika, - Isnt this KB such a cool place? Most of the time full of guys filled up with testoserone, posturing on about how big their balls are. Yet as soon as a tragedy or crisis comes along, everyone is there to help in whatever way they can. There have been some amazing words of wisdom on here.
You will never forget Alex, you will never forget this pain BUT - in time that pain will become more managable, and in time the memories of Alex will be stronger then the pain and loss, giving you happiness and memeories of the best times of your life. Grieve as long and as hard as you need. It hurts, and its going to hurt for awhile. Like Mystic says, small desicions, one small step at a time. Dont think about anything, but most importantly - just stay with us:love:

[Mschvs]

Please PM me the bank account details. I don't have a lot but I would like to support this cause.

[madbikeboy]

Okay, I banked some money in your account. Use the support being offered.

[Waxxa]

[QUOTE=alexm;1129423634]Hi,
Of course I know in a year the pain will be so much less...

Good morning Anika...this line in your post this morning pleases me no-end. Time will be your healer...

Din, good man and thank you for going around.

There will be more tough times ahead for Anika KBers, wonderful to see intense support from this community :first:

[Genestho]

Hi,
I went last night without any pills or alcohol. My son slept next to me and I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my arm around him thinking it was alex. it was so hard because alex always put his arms around me as we slept.
Of course I know in a year the pain will be so much less and that makes me sad even more because I dont want the memories of him to fade or to forget the sound of his voice, how his arms felt around me and the stupid things he'd say to make me laugh. I dont want to get through this. I am trying but I'm just not sure if I will make it.

YAY! good on you Anika! Good to hear from you :) (Din I must Bling!)

You won't forget him. I promise. I can't tell you what to do or feel, your grief is your own. And you will deal with it in your own way, regardless of what anyone says.


So I used that time to write stories for my boys, asked friends and family to write stories too, kinda like references. I put in photos of him holding his babies.

I wrote his favourite sayings, nicknames for his boys, and I co-lated pictures of his favourite things. And I wrote lists so I wouldn't forget.

So the blokes know who this guy Dad is as they grow older. I keep a scrap book too.


Also maybe you'll find he is still there with you in spirit. If you believe, he will guide you until you're on your feet.



You have much to look forward to, unbelievable - I know.

I probably can't and shouldn't give you more advice than what you're ready to process.
If you need to talk, give me a yell, as said earlier - day or night. X

You are no good to your family gone! Just get through each day. :hug:

[Danae]

You won't ever forget him unless you let yourself forget him.

[NDORFN]

Nothing wrong with formula, wipes and (disposable) nappies. We had to raise our daughter like that and she's intelligent way beyond her age and has the physique of a mini athelete. If you need toys, activities etc... for bubs, don't be afraid to ask.

PS Disposable nappies are really cheap if you buy up when they're on special. The supermarkets kind of rotate the specials around the various brands, reducing the price by about 70%. Also, you can buy in bulk online and save megabucks.

[sharky]

Hi Anika,

Some sound advice from people on here. Please stay strong.
I didn't know Alex personally but the company I work for dealt with his.
I would like make a donation so please PM me your account details. Also I have a couple of young ones too so may have some other bits and pieces (toys, clothes etc) that I could drop up to you at some stage if you wanted - I'm in Torbay so not too far away.
Anything else we can do to help let me know.

Scott 021432775.

[allycatz]

Anika, I have not lost a partner but lost my daughter in an accident when my twins were just a few months old. I was in a daze for several weeks and needed to be reminded to do the simple things, getting up, eating remembering i had a family to care for as well. I know it seems impossible but there will come a time when death will not be the first and last thing on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep..you will learn to put it to one side and get on with life and the first year is going to be your hardest as its a year of first anniversaries and thinking back what you were doing a year ago when Alex was with you. Alex will live on in Connor and will comfort you, like my daughter has always stayed a part of our family through her brothers and sisters. You've been given some awesome advice from KB'ers but I can't stress enough that you must eat....you will think so much clearer, look after that wee baby because he above all else will help you fill your time, your heart and get you through this and give you a reason to keep going....best wishes sweetie, you will get there in time

[Maha]

You doing well Anika, one day at a time.
Heres a song for you and Conner, Ozzy says it best, its a beautiful song.

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[Ducky848]

Nothing wrong with formula, wipes and (disposable) nappies. We had to raise our daughter like that and she's intelligent way beyond her age and has the physique of a mini athelete. If you need toys, activities etc... for bubs, don't be afraid to ask.

PS Disposable nappies are really cheap if you buy up when they're on special. The supermarkets kind of rotate the specials around the various brands, reducing the price by about 70%. Also, you can buy in bulk online and save megabucks.


Yup, I've had three of 'em (7,5,2) that went through disposables and wipes.

Anika, I also have HEAPS of baby gear, clothes (some new), almost everything a wee bubs could need which I would be more than happy to send up. Just let me know.

[boman]

Hi,
Of course I know in a year the pain will be so much less and that makes me sad even more because I dont want the memories of him to fade or to forget the sound of his voice, how his arms felt around me and the stupid things he'd say to make me laugh. I

It has been 15 months for me, since my wife was killed. Trust me when I say you do not forget these things. You bask in the glorious memories of what you had. You laugh at photos you laugh at memories and things get easier day after day. The firsts are thye hardest, I won't lie to you, but you come out the other side better for it. Hang tough mate, be there for your son, he is a living memory of your mate Alex, don't let him down and do something you cannot undo. I came real close to what you are talking about. Friends, work, and biking helped me through.

Keep strong.

[bezajel]

Hi, if someone could PM me account details I'll see what I can pull together.

Anika - my sincere condolences. If reading about all this has been enough to make me cry, I can't imagine what it's been like for you to go through. It's really good to see that you're hanging on (even if just barely - take it one tiny step at a time). Keep Alex's memory alive for yourself (and for Connor).

[ukusa]

iF someone could PM me too, I would love to help where I can.

It's nice to think that so many riders care and when it comes to the crunch, they will stick together no matter what they ride. Supporting & helping people like Anika & others who have lost loved ones in tragic accidents can make us all feel better about ourselves. Reading this forum leaves a lump in my throat.

Anika, stay strong. As others have said, the pain will lessen with time, but you will need to grieve, it's all part of the process.

[alexm]

hi guys,
posted update on the visitor part of alexs profile.was feeling a bit better in the morning but then had to say goodbye to alex and trouble with his sister trying to hurt me..read the update.again thanks to you all

[alexm]

also, I am going to post my account details up on the visitor page. everyone seems trustworthy and kind here, and it will save patrick some trouble.thanks

[Sharry]

Anika it is great to see you posting. I can only imagin what you are going through, you have showen more strength than you might think you have. Alex will be so proud of you.

Keep focusing on one day at a time, one hour or one event at a time and you will get through this :hug:

[caseye]

Hey Anika, Din is not just any man, he has a wonderful wife who never tells him he can;'t do something and between them they have seven Children, yep I said 7.
That man is as tough as they come,many here know him as a friend,I;m pleasaed to be able to say he is a freind of mine and I'm certain that you can count him as one too.
He does do the most amazing things for his fellow riders/KB'ers, like and for instance, turning up unannounced at your home.When you get to meet him, you'll understand how amazing he really is.
Take Care in the days to come and when the time comes I just know you'll give that big ol Din a great big hug, just for caring enough.
It's great to see your posts and to hear how you are doing, I'm sure Connor is being well looked after and that together you and that little guy will come through it all.
Don't forget we're here, some have offered help in the form of dollars and cents, others have offered their shoulders and ears, still others have offered clothes, toys and as much love and respect as you can handle.
Please don't be afraid to simply ask for any of the things offered they will be given gladly.
Remember to that there are those here in these very threads who have suffered as you have and who are now in a position to be strong enough to reach out to you and offer their own personal help and time in whatever practical way they can, make use of em Anika, it's going to assist you and to some degree helping you will make their own burdens a little lighter, if they see you getting better and better and can say I helped another person face what I have.

[Mort]

Way to go Anika - live your life one day at a time and love that boy. Keep posting.

[DIN PELENDA]

Hey Anika, Din is not just any man, he has a wonderful wife who never tells him he can;'t do something and between them they have seven Children, yep I said 7.
That man is as tough as they come,many here know him as a friend,I;m pleasaed to be able to say he is a freind of mine and I'm certain that you can count him as one too.
He does do the most amazing things for his fellow riders/KB'ers, like and for instance, turning up unannounced at your home.When you get to meet him, you'll understand how amazing he really is.
Take Care in the days to come and when the time comes I just know you'll give that big ol Din a great big hug, just for caring enough.
It's great to see your posts and to hear how you are doing, I'm sure Connor is being well looked after and that together you and that little guy will come through it all.
Don't forget we're here, some have offered help in the form of dollars and cents, others have offered their shoulders and ears, still others have offered clothes, toys and as much love and respect as you can handle.
Please don't be afraid to simply ask for any of the things offered they will be given gladly.
Remember to that there are those here in these very threads who have suffered as you have and who are now in a position to be strong enough to reach out to you and offer their own personal help and time in whatever practical way they can, make use of em Anika, it's going to assist you and to some degree helping you will make their own burdens a little lighter, if they see you getting better and better and can say I helped another person face what I have.

Thanks for your comment my friend and thank you all KB's for your support and unity, that is nice, you guys rock and say it all:hug::niceone:. So I was worried about Anika and had to see her physically after her post at 5.45am I was at work 6pm to 6am and I use to work for "raftn" same work place as Alex , I gone and ask him for Anika whereabout to make sure she is OK. I didn't get to meet you Anika but was talking to your mum for some time and she is very caring and nice lady . I can see how hard this is for her and I can just imagine how hard it is for you Anika, she told me you have taking some pills to try to get some sleep. I know you are not selfish you just got so much love for Alex we all see that and we all share your pain.
In each one of my kids there is big part of me. That is truth what they say, that big part of Alex is in Connor you will see that as he growing up as person and you will grow even stronger with him, so Connor will need that love from you he wont found that anywhere else, so please take care of yourself and Connor. I will send you PM and come to see you again if that is OK .

Din

[Grahameeboy]

Thanks for your comment my friend and thank you all KB's for your support and unity, that is nice, you guys rock and say it all:hug::niceone:. So I was worried about Anika and had to see her physically after her post at 5.45am I was at work 6pm to 6am and I use to work for "raftn" same work place as Alex , I gone and ask him for Anika whereabout to make sure she is OK. I didn't get to meet you Anika but was talking to your mum for some time and she is very caring and nice lady . I can see how hard this is for her and I can just imagine how hard it is for you Anika, she told me you have taking some pills to try to get some sleep. I know you are not selfish you just got so much love for Alex we all see that and we all share your pain.
In each one of my kids there is big part of me. That is truth what they say, that big part of Alex is in Connor you will see that as he growing up as person and you will grow even stronger with him, so Connor will need that love from you he wont found that anywhere else, so please take care of yourself and Connor. I will send you PM and come to see you again if that is OK .

Din

It was 5 kids Saturday when I saw you....how do you manage the extra 2 working shifts.....:msn-wink:

[GOONR]

Hey Beautiful girl, Im goonrs Mrs and I just wanted to reach out to you mum to mum. I cant even begin to imagine how you feel right now. Our heart breaks for you. I once had a friend who felt the same as you, and I remember saying to her, your Mum loves you the way you love that wee one of yours, let her help you. I wish I still had my mum even for the basic things, but this is so big and no one expects you to tough it alone, least of all you mum.
Be strong Petal and be strong for Connor. By being the best Mum you could ever be for him you are still being the best wife you could ever be for Alex, the amazing mum and beautiful person that he fell in love with. I know you cant begin to imagine this right now, but like as everyone one else on here says, you wont forget, and one day you will learn to celebrate Alex's life and his love will be the warm glow in your heart and always a fond memory. xx

[alexm]

dont know how to go on anymore..i dont think i can handle looking after connor alone when my mum goes back to work.im scared to be alone i dont trust myself. i dont wana live with my mum again but i know i cant live alone. i dont know how to go home and sort out mine and alexs things.i can barely bring myself to eat, to shower..how can I go to winz and call acc etc. i know i need to cuz even with all the donations the money is going to be all gone on the 3 weeks rent i'll have to pay before moving out.i feel overwhelmed and i still havent really given into reality and keep believing alex is going to come home

[Katman]

how can I go to winz and call acc etc. i know i need to cuz even with all the donations the money is going to be all gone on the 3 weeks rent i'll have to pay before moving out.

(At the risk of copping a flaming), quite frankly I think you're placing rather more importance on receiving other peoples donations than should be considered seemly.

[Quasi]

dont know how to go on anymore..i dont think i can handle looking after connor alone when my mum goes back to work.im scared to be alone i dont trust myself. i dont wana live with my mum again but i know i cant live alone. i dont know how to go home and sort out mine and alexs things.i can barely bring myself to eat, to shower..how can I go to winz and call acc etc. i know i need to cuz even with all the donations the money is going to be all gone on the 3 weeks rent i'll have to pay before moving out.i feel overwhelmed and i still havent really given into reality and keep believing alex is going to come home

Hey Anika, you have done so well so far, but try not to think too far ahead and just take everything really slowly. Try not to focus on all the things that you think need to be done. At this stage, just focus on yourself and Conor. getting through each day, or even just getting through the next hour. . Let someone else take care of the other stuff for you for now. Your priority is you and Conor. Have you got a support person who can come and talk with you, Take five minutes, to just go and walk outside, soak up the sun and fresh air. Try and stop thinking too much, hard tho it may be. Keep on breathing deep breaths. Remember that there is a huge amount of support here on KB for you, and its great that you are reaching out to us and telling us when it feels like its getting too tough for you. Remember Mystics words - small steps, just do it all with small steps.

[paddy]

(At the risk of copping a flaming), quite frankly I think you're placing rather more importance on receiving other peoples donations than should be regarded seemly.

In some ways I agree with Katman. Don't think of the donations in terms of money - think of them in terms of support and the sentiment to help you that is out there. Yes the money will eventually be used, but you have many offers of support here. I think there have been quite a few that have sent you PMs and I am sure there will be people that will walk alongside you quite literally. Go with you to WINZ. Help you deal with ACC. Help you to find the help that you need.

I am going to summarise some of those offers down into one PM soon that I will distribute appropriately (just in case you didn't see them all).

One hour at a time Anika. Little steps.

[caseye]

Keep those steps as small as they need to be Anika, one thing at a time, don't stress about anything, look after youself and Connor first and foremost.
TGM has told you not to hesitate about ringing/PMing her if things get tough others here have done the same.
Please don't hesitate to reach out and say what is troubling you, I'm sure someone here will be able to help specifically with what it is.

[Genestho]

dont know how to go on anymore..i dont think i can handle looking after connor alone when my mum goes back to work.im scared to be alone i dont trust myself. i dont wana live with my mum again but i know i cant live alone. i dont know how to go home and sort out mine and alexs things.i can barely bring myself to eat, to shower..how can I go to winz and call acc etc. i know i need to cuz even with all the donations the money is going to be all gone on the 3 weeks rent i'll have to pay before moving out.i feel overwhelmed and i still havent really given into reality and keep believing alex is going to come home
Hey Anika.

I'm just trying to find out about advocacy for you, so someone can step in and do the hard yards on your behalf, I have a girlfriend that used Barnados to deal with WINZ. Unfortunately the helpline is closed. Barnados helpline is open at 9am.

Freephone: 0800 4 Parent (0800 4727368)
Auckland callers: (09) 6250562

* Freephone between 9am and 5pm weekdays or leave a message and we will get back to you.

[becs_muse]

me I have found things that can help you with money and Connor and for you. 07 3666876 anytime

[Dean]

Donation made, stay strong Anika.

Dean.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Sorry folks i know you all want to help but if you continue to put donations into her acc winz won't help her untill it is all gone. An account needs to be sort in connors name for you to put the funds into.

[allycatz]

Actually thats not true. She will have an allowable cash asset allowance. Over that, the benefit payable will reduce 30 - 70c in the dollar. It may however affect any accomodation suplement or temporary non recoverable assistance.

[alexm]

Actually thats not true. She will have an allowable cash asset allowance. Over that, the benefit payable will reduce 30 - 70c in the dollar. It may however affect any accomodation suplement or temporary non recoverable assistance.

You are right. At the moment it is not affecting me receiving donations as I have not been to winz yet and does not affect my family tax credit or accommodation benefit. I am however, going to have to close my joint account with Alex tomorrow, as he had a few fines oweing and I do not want to be receiving those or held accountable at a time when I need money. Sad as it is to see his name taken off there, I have to..another step away from Alex. Its still unreal to me. I am setting up a new account for myself, and one for Connor with most of my savings in it for when he's older. Thank you all for your kind donations you made it possible for me to pay my remaining rent. I dont know where I go from here, but hopefully I can remain strong for Connor.otherwise who knows..

[caseye]

Hello Anika. Wonderful to see your post this afternoon.Though it involves having to do things you don't want to do, it does have to be done and I'm very pleased to see that you have taken control and started to do things for the future.
Never for one moment think that anyone here or amongst your friends and family want you to forget Alex.
As you said above , these are things that need doing so you and Connor can get on with simply living your lives one day at a time.
Take care Anika and look out for that little fella, remember we're only a post, phone call or txt away.

[Nasty]

You are right. At the moment it is not affecting me receiving donations as I have not been to winz yet and does not affect my family tax credit or accommodation benefit. I am however, going to have to close my joint account with Alex tomorrow, as he had a few fines oweing and I do not want to be receiving those or held accountable at a time when I need money. Sad as it is to see his name taken off there, I have to..another step away from Alex. Its still unreal to me. I am setting up a new account for myself, and one for Connor with most of my savings in it for when he's older. Thank you all for your kind donations you made it possible for me to pay my remaining rent. I dont know where I go from here, but hopefully I can remain strong for Connor.otherwise who knows..

Soon you need to speak to ACC .. they have several grants which will help you out in the next bit ... Raftn has got together the wage information for them ...

[Genestho]

Yea make sure you ring those people and the number in your profile page very soon Anika, sounds like they're what you need.

ACC can sometimes take months to pay out.

WINZ will backdate from the day you make the first call, but still a 20 day standown.

In a time where all control has been taken away, this at least is something you can control.

You can do it, and those support people will help you :)

Goodluck on your journey poppet. Only a call or a post away. :hug:

[Gmears]

Hi, I am Alex`s dad

Thanks to everyone for the support you have offering for Anika.
Its been a nightmare for me as I was as a parent concerned for Alex riding to work being a learner, so when I got the txt from Alex recently excited about getting his learners license ,I replied "be carefull"
Alex`s family in Tauranga is shattered by his death , as well as Anika`s family.

He was such a character , Alex and his brother are real jokers so would have us in fits of laughter all the time and it has left a huge hole in our life.
Hard to believe when a small mistake is made that life can be taken so easily.


Thanks
Graham

[Genestho]

Welcome to KB. And so very sad, and sorry for your loss. :hug:
Please know that your family is in my thoughts, as it has been with many this week.

[PrincessBandit]

Our thoughts are with your family too at this terrible time. It has been a reminder to all of us with children who ride just how quickly they can be taken from us, and we grieve for you all as well as Anika and Connor.

[klingon]

Welcome, Graham. Your Alex looks like a lovely young man. Our thoughts are with you, Anika, Connor and the whole family.

[caseye]

Hi, I am Alex`s dad

Thanks to everyone for the support you have offering for Anika.
Its been a nightmare for me as I was as a parent concerned for Alex riding to work being a learner, so when I got the txt from Alex recently excited about getting his learners license ,I replied "be carefull"
Alex`s family in Tauranga is shattered by his death , as well as Anika`s family.

He was such a character , Alex and his brother are real jokers so would have us in fits of laughter all the time and it has left a huge hole in our life.
Hard to believe when a small mistake is made that life can be taken so easily.

Thanks
Graham
No, thank you. For taking the time to sit down and write to us all.What we've done so far, pales into insignificance compared to what You and Anika and your respective families have still to do.
I can only say how sad I am for your loss and that anything that I or any of us here at KB who wish to do so, can do, for you and yours , ask and I'm sure it'll get done.

[paddy]

Hi, I am Alex`s dad

Thanks to everyone for the support you have offering for Anika.
Its been a nightmare for me as I was as a parent concerned for Alex riding to work being a learner, so when I got the txt from Alex recently excited about getting his learners license ,I replied "be carefull"
Alex`s family in Tauranga is shattered by his death , as well as Anika`s family.

He was such a character , Alex and his brother are real jokers so would have us in fits of laughter all the time and it has left a huge hole in our life.
Hard to believe when a small mistake is made that life can be taken so easily.

Thanks
Graham

Graham,

Thank you for taking the time to write - I am sure there are many other things on your mind at the moment. We all feel very deeply for you loss and it has been a privilege to be able to help your grandson.

God Bless and take care.

Paddy.

[Gareth51]

Our thoughts are with you Graham, and your family in these sad times and thanks for taking the time to write
Gareth

[Waxxa]

...anything that I or any of us here at KB who wish to do so, can do, for you and yours , ask and I'm sure it'll get done.

+1 the help is there for you and your family Graham. don't be shy...

[Mort]

Graham - as a dad myself I can only imagine your loss. He looked like a fine lad. I hope Connor continues to grow and thrive with the love you showed Alex.

[alexm]

oh man i cant put away this guilt. i wish we had never gotten a motorbike.but the car alex had was having so many problems and he'd been asking for a bike for a while..I made him promise me he would ride it safely if we got one.he told me he would. i guess i was a bit concerned about what would happen if a car hit him..but i never thought he would cause anything to happen.i told him everyday to ride safely, for me and for connor, and he assured me he did. its just not fair. i cant take this rain and knowing alex is lying in the ground so far away from me it hurts so bad.wanna be with him so much.dont know what to do anymore every time i try to convince myself I can go on and raise connor alone the end of the day creeps up and i miss alex coming home so much and i dont want to go the rest of my life without him.cant and wont i dont think i can cope

[Genestho]

Thanks for posting Anika, from where I sit you're coming through much clearer, that's good :)

'They' say - anecdotally, that survivors guilt is normal.

For every person left, there is guilt to deal with from a different angle.

Eventually - and hopefully, you will get to a point where you'll stop asking questions - what ifs, because there are no answers. :hug:

Try not to think of what is in the ground. That's just a shell. The real Alex is free, and a part of your son - Connor.

X

[Mom]

Hey Anika! Well done sweetie for getting through the past few days, not an easy journey for anyone, let alone a new Mommy. You are doing well. Dont think too hard about anything, today is the most important one, if that seems too big, break it down to day time and night time, or hour by hour, or whatever it takes.

[Nasty]

Its small small miniture steps Anika ... take one and then breathe ... then take time to do another small one ... survivors guilt is something that I went through .. and every now and then it rears its head and I talk to my friends ... I found that is the only way I can get through.

[caseye]

Hello Anika, glad you told us whats happening with you today.
We're another pair of ears and many hearts to feel for you and reach out to you.
Mom's message, break it down, is a great one, take a big breath and slowly relax.

[boman]

Its small small miniture steps Anika ... take one and then breathe ... then take time to do another small one ... survivors guilt is something that I went through .. and every now and then it rears its head and I talk to my friends ... I found that is the only way I can get through.

Yea. That goes for me too. Talk to your friends, even over the phone. Especially those from here that can relate to what you are going through at the moment. Survivors guilt is an ugly thing to deal with. Don't try to understand it, or try to go alone. We are all only a post away.

Keep your chin up Anika..

[Her_C4]

Well, what to say? This thread has to be the most heartwrenching thread I have read on KB. Heartwrenching and yet heartwarming - the KB support network at its best. Power to you all.

Anika - While I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain of your loss and the trauma that you are dealing with, I do understand that out of all of lifes challenges this one will be the hardest you will have to deal with.

The offers of help, practical support, advice and assistance in this thread for you and Connor are genuine and as others have said, take little steps and reach out to those who care.

T.G.W has outlined a method by which she has ensured that her children know and love their father in every sense. What a beautiful thing to do!

Write down memories, talk into a tape recorder, collect photo's and decide what memorabilia should be kept for Connor. Don't be hard on yourself, take the time to cry and remember good times while you are doing it:hug: give yourself time to deal with all this in your own unique way, but please do avail yourself of all the love and support offered. You do not need to go through this alone.

Like everyone else, I too would like to offer my support in whatever way I can. :hug:

[Starky307]

Anika, Connor, Graham and family,

I am so sorry for your loss, it saddens me to hear you speak of a lost loved one and the pain you are currently feeling. As it has been said by everyone else, the pain will begin to fade as time goes by.

Anika,
Listen to what everyone is telling you, reach out to the help being offered, call those that have left their phone numbers and take the advice of those that have been through similar life experiences.
Look after Connor, he is your closest link to Alex, he will grow to have the same traits, actions and looks of your loved one, he will be your window to Alex, now and in later life.

When you have opened the new account you spoke of in Connors name please let me know the details so I may contribute in a way I can help.

My thoughts a with you all at a time of great sadness.

Brad

[chanceyy]

Hi, I am Alex`s dad

Thanks to everyone for the support you have offering for Anika.
Its been a nightmare for me as I was as a parent concerned for Alex riding to work being a learner, so when I got the txt from Alex recently excited about getting his learners license ,I replied "be carefull"
Alex`s family in Tauranga is shattered by his death , as well as Anika`s family.

He was such a character , Alex and his brother are real jokers so would have us in fits of laughter all the time and it has left a huge hole in our life.
Hard to believe when a small mistake is made that life can be taken so easily.

Thanks
Graham

Graham my sincere condolences to you and your family, I have really felt for Anika, Conner and her family but also to you, and Alex's other family.

and you all were in my thoughts on saturday.

Alex continues to live on in Conner and in your memories, I too really like T.G.W idea to start recording your memories of Alex, he will cherish this in yrs to come.

[Conquiztador]

oh man i cant put away this guilt. i wish we had never gotten a motorbike.but the car alex had was having so many problems and he'd been asking for a bike for a while..I made him promise me he would ride it safely if we got one.he told me he would. i guess i was a bit concerned about what would happen if a car hit him..but i never thought he would cause anything to happen.i told him everyday to ride safely, for me and for connor, and he assured me he did. its just not fair. i cant take this rain and knowing alex is lying in the ground so far away from me it hurts so bad.wanna be with him so much.dont know what to do anymore every time i try to convince myself I can go on and raise connor alone the end of the day creeps up and i miss alex coming home so much and i dont want to go the rest of my life without him.cant and wont i dont think i can cope

Hi

There is no need for you to try to do this alone. So many who are prepared to support you now when you need it. Grab their outstretched hands. And allow them to do some of the work. Each and everyone who here has offered you their help is sincere. Please accept the offers. Being alone with the thoughts is tough. We are all friends you just have not met yet. Sadly there are many on here who has walked down the road you are now starting on. They are all doing it, and so can you.

We all want you to se your son grow up, he has lost his dad, now he needs his mum more then ever.

Shitloads of love to you and your son. And some $$'s to. (Still same account #?)

[alexm]

I thank everyone here for their support, I know you are all sincere and I know some of you have gone through the same/similar thing. I have lots of photos of alex himself and of him with connor and some with me. I have a couple of short videos on my camera. I wrote a letter to Connor telling him all about his dad, how much he loved him, his plans for the future with him. i have his belongings such as clothes and his car models. I have done these things when I am in the frame of mind to believe that I can go on. But that only lasts for about half an hour and then I feel so lost. I was a different person with Alex. We bought out each others best sides. We had so much fun together, were best friends and yet we loved each other more than most people can imagine. With him I was a person I never was before and now never will be again.Trust me I love my son with all my heart, but he is not Alex and never will be. He may look like him some day, or he may not. He may have a few of Alex's characteristics but thats it. Once you have had something like Alex and I had theres no going back. We were eachother's lives, and we both knew it. We never had a bay day together. He treated me like a princess up to the last day of his life. I just want him so bad and I don't think I can give Connor what he needs anymore, bad as I feel to say it cause I love him so much, I don't want the responsibility of him cause we had him thinking he would be ours to share, not mine alone. and i dont want to see Connor grow up and know Alex isn't there experiencing it all.and dont tell me he's with me in spirit cause hes not and even if he were I dont want that I just want to see him and touch him and talk to him

[Nasty]

I thank everyone here for their support, I know you are all sincere and I know some of you have gone through the same/similar thing. I have lots of photos of alex himself and of him with connor and some with me. I have a couple of short videos on my camera. I wrote a letter to Connor telling him all about his dad, how much he loved him, his plans for the future with him. i have his belongings such as clothes and his car models. I have done these things when I am in the frame of mind to believe that I can go on. But that only lasts for about half an hour and then I feel so lost. I was a different person with Alex. We bought out each others best sides. We had so much fun together, were best friends and yet we loved each other more than most people can imagine. With him I was a person I never was before and now never will be again.Trust me I love my son with all my heart, but he is not Alex and never will be. He may look like him some day, or he may not. He may have a few of Alex's characteristics but thats it. Once you have had something like Alex and I had theres no going back. We were eachother's lives, and we both knew it. We never had a bay day together. He treated me like a princess up to the last day of his life. I just want him so bad and I don't think I can give Connor what he needs anymore, bad as I feel to say it cause I love him so much, I don't want the responsibility of him cause we had him thinking he would be ours to share, not mine alone. and i dont want to see Connor grow up and know Alex isn't there experiencing it all.and dont tell me he's with me in spirit cause hes not and even if he were I dont want that I just want to see him and touch him and talk to him

So much of what you say I know. You are right .. Connor will never and should never be Alex ... but part of Alex made him .. and under your nuture that will never be forgotten ... I still have all the cards and words from people at home ready to put in an album when i am ready - but that will only happen once I am ready. Thats what we mean by small steps ... don't anticipate ... don't fret ... just know there is support to help you get through.

[allycatz]

Anika, when we lose loved ones we go through a 'grief cycle'. A cycle of disbelief, anger, acceptance, bargaining and all those why me? questions. It's normal and doesn't happen in any particular order or time frame. What you are feeling is normal and IT"S OKAY no matter how irrational it may seem to others. just let yourself work through these feelings, keep close to your family and let it all out. Your going to come out the other side of this okay, no matter hard hard it may seem now.

[Waxxa]

does anyone know the address to Anikas'/Connor? PM me and I will call in next time I'm up north...for a cup of tea like...if any tasks/chores need to be done etc

[Rodney007]

hey anika, was really good to see you and alex both have very loving families

[alexm]

thanks to everyone for offering all ur support and help, its good to know you guys are there. but i dont really need any help..unless someone can take care of Connor all day!I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. i think the reason im not crying ALL day (though I am still everyday) is because im pretty sure I won't be going on..I needa be with alex and im sure thats how its going to end up cause i really dont wana do this anymore

[PrincessBandit]

thanks to everyone for offering all ur support and help, its good to know you guys are there. but i dont really need any help..unless someone can take care of Connor all day!I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. i think the reason im not crying ALL day (though I am still everyday) is because im pretty sure I won't be going on..I needa be with alex and im sure thats how its going to end up cause i really dont wana do this anymore

Imagine Alex is sitting next to you. Talk to him. What would he say if you asked him to read what you have written. Do you truly think he would encourage you to end things, or would he encourage you to be there for the wee baby both of you made? I didn't know Alex but find it hard to imagine he would rather have you with him than with his precious son.

You are doing so well, and better times will come. Hang in there.

[Hiflyer]

I've refrained from posting in this thread because of certain reasons, but if you really are serious about ending things, imagine looking down on your son alone, growing up without you, I know what it's like to grow up without parents for a while and even that short while nearly sent me sideways, I can't imagine my whole life without them. Parents are a kids rock, they need them and as much as if feels like you want to be with Alex you have to be with your son and support him.....

[Oakie]

im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. .... i really dont wana do this anymore

Do the week and see what happens. You may just surprise yourself. And it's OK to be scared. Scared people can still do some pretty amazing things.

It's also OK not be crying all day. It just means you're getting over the shock.

My Dad died suddenly when I was young. My Mum was devastated (with 4 kids to bring up) and she considered 'joining him'. I am so glad she tuffed it out. It WAS tough but it was so worth it in the end for her and her kids.

Good luck.

[alexm]

i know i agree with what your all saying..i know if we had talked about it alex would have most likely wanted me to stay and look after connor, as I would have wanted the same of him. but we hadnt talked about it and hes not here for me to ask is he? and i already feel bad enough about the fact i would be leaving my son, i love him the most in the world, second to alex. thats whats been holding me off. i know it would be hard on him growing up without his biological parents. but how is it fair that alex made a stupid choice when he was riding his bike and left us, but yet im judged if im going to make a stupid choice and leave also?i know they are not two of exactly the same things, i know he didnt set out to leave us but he put himself in danger by going so fast coming up to a roundabout. i know im weak i always have been and alex was the only one who made me strong.its hard 2 make others understand what alex and i had and how he made me feel. theres also another reason to my thoughts, however that lies with me and my thoughts alone. atleast i would know that my whole family would care for connor as their own, and that alex and i would be watching down on him too

[surfchick]

:( :(
Just wanted to add support to the thread ... and maybe to say too that under all the misery, maybe just making a decision to survive is one of the few things left in your control. I know alot of us on here are strangers to you, but lean on whoever and whatever you can to get through - also there are people in this KB forum who have lost loved ones riding & later it may help to talk stuff through with them. PM if it would help (even later on...)

Kia kaha :(

[PrincessBandit]

Anika, once you bring children into this world they are yours to care for. Yes there are times when that may need to be shared with others who are not their parents, but it is primarily your responsibility to be there for your children.

You are also basing your thoughts about leaving Connor behind on your assumption that you WILL be with Alex again, and not only that, that you can regain what you had before this tragedy. No one can know what you will find on the other side and I would urge you to not hold to a romanticised vision of how this will solve your despair.

You ARE being strong, simply by getting through the days, just as Alex's family are too. You have your family and, more importantly, your child. The easiest road will be the most selfish road. Please don't take it, hang on to any strength you can and you will make it through.

[caseye]

Anika, right now it would be easy for many of us out here in KB to read what you have written and stop posting, talking to you, because thats the easy thing to do and it doens't really concern us.
But you see it does, Alex has died suddenly,senslessly and totally thrown your world into complete anarchy.
Alex knew a number of KB'ers he was a rider as most of us here are, his family have overnight become our family( in the nicest possible way) and just as you and he would, we will do whatever we can to make sure that his family are safe.
You may have other reasons for not wanting to go on, I can't begin to think or know what they are and right now I'm not going to dwell on that.

I am going to ask you to really truthfully ask yourself this question.
Could anyone else in the whole wide world take care of Connor as completely and utterly as I can and am equipped to do?

You know without a doubt what Alex would do if the it was him left with Connor, so please, don't insult our intelligence with the excuse of him not being here to ask.
I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh, it is! but it's the truth and if I was to ask you to do anything else it would be to simply keep coming and telling us here and any member of your family and friends the simple truth about how you feel and why(if you can. when you can, no time limits here)

Why would I ask you that? well if you did and we then knew that Anika needed a hand with something there'd be KB'ers for Africa at your place.
If you Pm'd or rang any of the people who have given you their personal contact details and told you to ring if they could help in anyway , THEY WOULD.
You have a simple but effective support network sitting waiting for a call or post here in the forums, wanting to help you and Connor materially,practically,financially and spiritually if required.

Come on Anika, the absolute worst day is over from here on it's it's small steps simple daily routines, some mind games for the cabin fever and time, time for you, time for Connor, time to heal, not forget!

[alexm]

you know, your all right and your all saying what i have been thinking too. so even though i feel a bit offended, i know u guys are right. that was one of my concerns too, if i die, what if there is no other side?what if alex isnt there waiting for me?but then this same concern comes into my mind while im alive..if u say theres no point in dying cause alex might not be there, whats the point in living if alex isnt up there somewhere watching over me? everyone says hes "here in spirit" with me, but i dont feel it, sure i talk to him in the hopes he is, but then u cant really say dont get notions he's gonna be there if u die and then use the same thing to try to keep me moving on by telling me his spirits with me.its all just so hard :( im doing my best as I said organising acc and winz payments etc..but then im also holding off things such as buying a new computer (im borrowing my aunties cuz i threw up on my other one a few nights after the accident and it died) cuz i dont know if im gonna make it and dont wana waste the money which could b used for connor. just dont know what to do, im scared to be alone with connor during the day i dont trust myself

[Genestho]

It's hard with little ones to find focus in this situation.

What opened my eyes was when I met a lady who lost her partner, and didn't get the chance to have a family together, left with no reminder. Gutted.

How hard it is for her, because she has no anchor. She had no reason to get up and get going anymore. But you do.

When something like this happens - you have to search for the positives.

I had some pretty strong indicators that my bloke was still around, which I won't reveal here. It's private. (I'm not religious, but I am spiritual by the way)

Have you rung that family support and advocacy number?

Remember they'll help with the practical things.

I don't know how to advise you on being alone. I'm at the point where I can enjoy my own space in the evenings! But it took a long time to get here!

As for looking after Connor, remember, once you get the WINZ stuff going, go to the Doc, get referred for counselling, and he will get you free childcare (upto 50 hours - I think?)

Then you can have the days to yourself to think if this what you need?

Also another thing I thought of is, quite a few widows I know found a focus, became advocates for something, or aimed for a goal of some sort.

It happened at a time when they were ready.

For me it was the night before my hubbys funeral.

Some people may dispute this approach, and say dwell on your grief - take time for yourself, but there is a fine line between focus, and having too much time to grieve. Because it is such a long journey as most people will know here that have lost someone close - you need to climb out and get relief with some sort of physical or mental stimulation.

IMO anyway. :)

It's all new but what I can promise you, is that this is really raw right now, and the rawness gets less with time. Just hang in there!

[caseye]

Hey Anika, you know what, I'm glad you felt offended, not that you were mean't to be, but becuase it's a feeling and it got through.
Now then the logic of what you have said hasn't escaped me either, while we'd all like to think that our loved ones who go before us are still with us one way or another, the reality is, who knows?
I don't.But I like to think they are, my MUM died nearly 2 years ago now, but I talk to her star, every time I see it out, dumb aye!
Please , keep doing what you are doing right now, tell it how it is for you and let everyone who wants to and can do, make a difference.
Sounds to me like you are taking the necessary steps to make sure income and living accomodation are in place and secure, thats a great start.
If your Aunty's computer does the job and shes happy, then be happy ( even a little bit happy) and use it.
If you don't need to do anything else for a while , take a breather, go play with Connor, of course you don't have to do any of these things but beleive me time out is very important.
T,G,W has asked you a couple of things and given you some things to do that will positively help you with Connor, child care,company,comfortand counselling.
You Take care now and try to get some peace and quiet and some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day and there will be things you need to do, but do them as you feel up to it, not before.Prioritise, don't do anything that you don't think is important, that means look after you first, then Connor then anything else.OK.

[paddy]

Hi guys,

The massive flow of PMs I was receiving asking for Anika account details has subsided so I thought I would take the time to summarise and feed back for the benefit of all.

When I first saw what had happened on KB I thought it would be nice to personally offer Anika and Conner some money. I figured if I were going to go to the effort of contacting her and finding her details then others might like to contribute to. The result is evident in this thread.

All in all I dealt with several hundred PMs. I provided Anika's account details to just over 60 distinct people (I hope I didn't miss anyone who asked). I don't know how many people went ahead and donated. I don't know what the total amount was. A few people volunteered the amount that they were donating. These were in the range of $20 - $100. And yes, one old bloke sent me a cheque (bless his heart - you know who you are). :-)

Many people have offered help beyond that of finance. I am just in the process of assembling these offers (from the thread and via PM) into a single list that I will forward those who seem to be directing involved in supporting Anika. I will not post this list publicly as some have asked for confidentiality.

It's great that we could raise money, but more than that, I really hope that the sentiment expressed here will help to carry Anika - that it will be a story that can be told to Connor when he is older. It has been an absolute privilege for me to be able to honour the memory of Alex in this way. He was new to our community and most of us didn't get to the chance to meet him. To me, this makes the response even more special. It has touched my heart and I hope that through the pain it has touched Anika's.

Patrick

P.S. While I am not a counsellor - I do have a background in the health industry and I just wanted to caution people to take care with what they write here. There are many that a using Connor as a point of control over Anika. Don't get me wrong - this is being done with absolutely the best intentions; however, I do not believe that it is helpful for Anika at this time. By all means paint happy pictures of what her future with Connor may look like and how Connor may come to know his father - but lets avoid the "do it for Connor" talk at the moment. It's just going to make her feel more trapped. What Anika needs night now is acceptance. Acceptance that can lead to a belief that she is okay. That what she is feeling is okay. She is allowed to feel these things. The death of Alex is a terrible thing. It is going to hurt and it is going to hurt for some time. Anika needs to take life one step at a time right now. We can see beyond that and we can "hold" that vision for her. Now is not the right time to push that onto her. Let's carry it for her a little longer.

[Oakie]

, but then u cant really say dont get notions he's gonna be there if u die and then use the same thing to try to keep me moving on by telling me his spirits with me.

Not to make light of the situation guys but ... don't you just hate it when someone shoots down your emotional argument with logic! At least it shows there's some good thought process going on in there amongst all the angst.

[alexm]

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

[howdamnhard]

Hey Anika, you know what, I'm glad you felt offended, not that you were mean't to be, but becuase it's a feeling and it got through.
Now then the logic of what you have said hasn't escaped me either, while we'd all like to think that our loved ones who go before us are still with us one way or another, the reality is, who knows?
I don't.But I like to think they are, my MUM died nearly 2 years ago now, but I talk to her star, every time I see it out, dumb aye!
Please , keep doing what you are doing right now, tell it how it is for you and let everyone who wants to and can do, make a difference.
Sounds to me like you are taking the necessary steps to make sure income and living accomodation are in place and secure, thats a great start.
If your Aunty's computer does the job and shes happy, then be happy ( even a little bit happy) and use it.
If you don't need to do anything else for a while , take a breather, go play with Connor, of course you don't have to do any of these things but beleive me time out is very important.
T,G,W has asked you a couple of things and given you some things to do that will positively help you with Connor, child care,company,comfortand counselling.
You Take care now and try to get some peace and quiet and some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day and there will be things you need to do, but do them as you feel up to it, not before.Prioritise, don't do anything that you don't think is important, that means look after you first, then Connor then anything else.OK.
Wise words indeed. Take heed of them and hang in there Anika.

[Nasty]

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

If this is your last one here, that is fine ... but its actually ok to vent ... remember the other site www.ywbb.org it is with others in same/similar situations that will allow that freely.

[Genestho]

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

Oh dear. I guess people were worried about you.

I do understand believe me I do.

And any widow with children will say the same of the isolation and trapped feeling of the early days. Just giving you hope, because I really don't know what else to do.

Even if you don't call till a year down the track, and I wouldn't expect that you will, or if ever.

But don't be afraid to.
It has been very hard for me to help you in a public forum.

On that note - I've removed a few of my posts, and edited out personal references, but left things that may or may not be usefull.

Also would like to thank Patrick, and all who have posted here. :)

Goodluck poppet. :hug:

[Mom]

I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared.


You know what, I know that feeling very well. I remember as if it was yesterday, the first time I was home alone with a little baby. I remember thinking I am totally responsible for you. Guess what? I was scared too, very scared.

None of us are ready for the big shitty things in life that can happen, we dont actively plan for when things go wrong. We flounder when they do. That is when have to allow ourselves to lean on others to help us through. The best part of that is the people you lean on get a real buzz out of being there to help. Trust me on this.

One day at a time sweetie, that is all you have to manage. You are doing so well :yes:

[paddy]

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

Anika, thank you for your kind words. I think the WWW can be a dangerous and difficult place at the very best of times. But there are some thoughts I would like to leave you with:

I think I can say with absolute confidence that everyone who has posted he as wanted the absolute very best for you and Connor. Our world is an imperfect place and we are imperfect inhabitants. We all truly wanted to help you even we couldn't always do that in a way that was "perfect" for you. Even when that hurt you more. That's okay though Arnika. It's okay that you let yourself feel that pain and it's okay that we got it a little wrong sometimes.

Having said that though Arnika, I think there are some safe people for you here. People I think that you should do you best to keep in touch with. People that you might want to call and chat with in the future - but maybe, just for now, receive encouragement from via PM. I am thinking especially of TGW, but I think you are able to identify yourself who is good for you right now.

I would like to see you get some professional help. It sounds so terrible doesn't it? Like there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. That's not the case though Arnika. You grief isn't something that needs fixing. Don't think of seeing a counsellor as embarking on a process of dealing with you grief and letting go of Alex. Rather see it as a process of getting support through you grief. A safe place to vent. A safe place to cry. A safe place to learn. To learn how you can keep Alex alive. You see Arnika, getting support doesn't mean that you are trying to let Alex go - I get the sense that maybe it feels that way for you. I know at least one professional here who has offered his services to you at no cost. WINZ also will help with that.

I would encourage you to look through this thread when you feel up to it. Ignore everything that doesn't help - but when you see something that does consider printing it out so that you can keep it. That way you can read them over and be encouraged.

There were many offers of help that I received on you behalf that went beyond financial. Some of them you know already, some of them were offers to talk, some of them were offers of loved baby toys, some were offers of professional help, some were offers from men who probably haven't a clue how to relate to you or how to help you but were more than willing to come over with their hammer and spade and do what needed to be done. Arnika, I am going to compile all of those offers into one PM and send it to you. I think right now you probably want to ignore it. Maybe print it out and stick it in a draw. But Arnika, I think those offers of real practical "kiwi bloke" help might be of great use to you in the future.

Arnika, I wish you the very best. I look forward to meeting both you and Connor one day. Let's make that deal if that's okay with you. Please don't even think twice about sending me a PM if I can be of any help whatsoever. You also have my email address.

Arnika, on behalf of everyone here I would like to say thank you. Thank you for letting us support you. Thank you for letting us walk alongside you. Keep walking Arnika. I know that you can.

With the kindest of love,
Patrick (Paddy)

[caseye]

Patrick, you lead the way from the front and never faltered.
Anika, this guy you know about and I hope that when you are ready you do meet with him.
Our intentions were honest and true I hope us being here over these last few days has helped you in some small way.
One day at a time, look after yourself first.
We look forward to hearing from you anytime under any circumstance.

[Genestho]

A good bistard:2thumbsup

[paddy]

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day Connor will walk in the footsteps of his father. I have a dream that Connor might one day grace this forum - this community - that tried it's very best to be there for his mother. I have a dream that Connor might one day use his fathers KB account - that he might read these posts and see the rocks that his life was built upon. I have a dream that one day Connor will see the strength that his Mum showed for him in the hardest time of her life. I have a dream. I have a dream.

Inspired by trailblazers post http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showpost.php?p=1129423247&postcount=33

[Oakie]

Our thoughts and best wishes go with you Anika. You know where we are if you need us.

Richard

[Sheba]

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day Connor will walk in the footsteps of his father. I have a dream that Connor might one day grace this forum - this community - that tried it's very best to be there for his mother. I have a dream that Connor might one day use his fathers KB account - that he might read these posts and see the rocks that his life was built upon. I have a dream that one day Connor will see the strength that his Mum showed for him in the hardest time of her life. I have a dream. I have a dream.

Thanks for all you've done here paddy.

Anika, I'm so proud of you for making it as far as you have. Keep taking things one moment at a time, and allow yourself to really grieve and express how you are feeling. Lots of love.

[paddy]

To whomever sent me the cheque - I can't remember who you were now. I must have deleted your PM while I was cleaning them out. I wanted you to know that the cheque arrived safely on Tuesday. I have transferred the appropriate amount of funds to Arnika and I will deposit the cheque in my account today or tomorrow.

P.

[caseye]

Afternoon all, Anika, I hope today has been a little easier than yesterday.Also that we may continue to have your presence here on KB with us for as long as you want to be here.
Have you had a wee sit down and a few minutes to your self today?If not go do something totally random and relaxing.
If you have taken time out for YOU today, good on you, do it again soon.

[alexm]

hi,
not really im finding with each day that goes on it gets harder. nights are especially hard because alex was always home with me. im still kinda trying to understand how the accident happened, id like to see the coroners report and serious crash unit report so i can understand more but havent heard anything about these yet.i think it would just give me a bit more closure so I'm not still wondering

[Nasty]

hi,
not really im finding with each day that goes on it gets harder. nights are especially hard because alex was always home with me. im still kinda trying to understand how the accident happened, id like to see the coroners report and serious crash unit report so i can understand more but havent heard anything about these yet.i think it would just give me a bit more closure so I'm not still wondering

You can have access to all those reports - contact the coroner in charge of the case - but have your mum there when you read it .. cos they are not easy things to read ....

The crash report on Grub took a while to be completed and my guess is that Alex's one may take time too .. but again the coroner can provide you a copy ... I found with Grubs one that it wasn't easy is some ways as its a very technical document - I have a friend who worked crash and he also read it, and let me know how they come around to what they did.

Nights are always hard ... and I found the computer my friend ... lots of sites to go to and when we sleep others are awake ... I had broken sleep for quite a while (I often slept aweful before Grub died anyway) .. and it took time to come right ... now most nights I sleep through ... in the evenings I watched crappy TV and also some friends helped me with movies etc so that I could at least go to bed and watch something ... depending on your computer system I can help you if you want with some of those.

Kia Kaha sweets ... we are behind .. in front and beside you on this journey.

[Conquiztador]

You can have access to all those reports - contact the coroner in charge of the case - but have your mum there when you read it .. cos they are not easy things to read ....

The crash report on Grub took a while to be completed and my guess is that Alex's one may take time too .. but again the coroner can provide you a copy ... I found with Grubs one that it wasn't easy is some ways as its a very technical document - I have a friend who worked crash and he also read it, and let me know how they come around to what they did.

Nights are always hard ... and I found the computer my friend ... lots of sites to go to and when we sleep others are awake ... I had broken sleep for quite a while (I often slept aweful before Grub died anyway) .. and it took time to come right ... now most nights I sleep through ... in the evenings I watched crappy TV and also some friends helped me with movies etc so that I could at least go to bed and watch something ... depending on your computer system I can help you if you want with some of those.

Kia Kaha sweets ... we are behind .. in front and beside you on this journey.

It gives me a chill that there are so many on here who knows what it takes to learn to live with this tragedy.

[alexm]

How do I know who the coroner was?will I have to contact the funeral director?
And also..
Thanks so much to Paddy, the guy who sent in a cheque, and the other KBer that gave me donations yesterday..you guys are truly too kind and Connor is so lucky (its all going in an account for him). I thought I wouldn't be able to pay my last few weeks rent but u guys have made that and more possible. You've given me a future thank u so much

[Nasty]

How do I know who the coroner was?will I have to contact the funeral director?
And also..
Thanks so much to Paddy, the guy who sent in a cheque, and the other KBer that gave me donations yesterday..you guys are truly too kind and Connor is so lucky (its all going in an account for him). I thought I wouldn't be able to pay my last few weeks rent but u guys have made that and more possible. You've given me a future thank u so much


I don't know the number of the Auckland ones, but if you ring 06 3500083 they should be able to tell you who to contact - that is the palmerston north office (but they are fantastic).

[ynot slow]

Give the funeral director a call,or someone to do it for you.

[GOONR]

You've given me a future

Anika, that, to me, is one of the best things I have heard on here for quite some time.

Stay strong and keep safe.

[Waxxa]

You've given me a future thank u so much

+1 Gooner. Keep strong Anika, time will be your 'healer' and there is a future for you...

[Oakie]

I thought I wouldn't be able to pay my last few weeks rent but u guys have made that and more possible. You've given me a future thank u so much

Best money I've spent for a long time then. Delighted to hear that it's made a difference.

[dave_a]

Best money I've spent for a long time then. Delighted to hear that it's made a difference.


:2thumbsup I feel the same way

[caseye]

How do I know who the coroner was?will I have to contact the funeral director?
And also..
Thanks so much to Paddy, the guy who sent in a cheque, and the other KBer that gave me donations yesterday..you guys are truly too kind and Connor is so lucky (its all going in an account for him). I thought I wouldn't be able to pay my last few weeks rent but u guys have made that and more possible. You've given me a future thank u so much

You ! are entirely welcome.
Take care out there and remember it doens't stop with a few dollars here and there, theres all of us out here who will come by, make phone calls and or just listen if you want us too.
I smiled reading your last post Anika, for the first time in ages, it felt good, I hope you feel some of that too.

[paddy]

Somebody has pointed out that I have been alternating spellings between "Anika" and "Arnika". Sorry about that. :-)

[Howsie]

Somebody has pointed out that I have been alternating spellings between "Anika" and "Arnika". Sorry about that. :-)

Paddy, details please!

Anika, sad to hear about your loss. Tears to the eyes just reading it all. Its great to know that the biking community has a heart, we help each other out however we can. All the best to you and your young family :hug:

[spookytooth]

Hang in there :)

[alexm]

thanks guys..im still feeling just as bad as I was the day he died, in fact things feel worse most of the time, but during the day I'm coping ok..so I guess thats something.On monday I have a reading with a medium who was recommended to me by another widow..im trying not to get my hopes up but it didnt cost much and I'll take any chance I get to talk to him cause I havent felt him around me or anything :( i just want to know hes ok and that I'm doing everything he would have wanted me to do

[caseye]

Hey, what a great idea, you do what feels right for you, thinking of you and little Connor every day.

[Gareth51]

You've given me a future thank u so much

You're welcome Anika,stay strong and take care

[davebullet]

To all KBers,

If you've been keeping an eye on this thread and have thought about helping out financially but haven't, please do something about it and help.

Thanks!

Anika - we are here to help and listen (even if only via the keyboard). It is a great little community here. Take care of you and keep reaching out for help and support.

[GIXser]

Real sorry.... Pm me (hang in there, in time the sun will shine again..)

[alexm]

hi..I noticed some people are still asking for my acc #..well connors new acc # is 12-3035-0719772-51. but everyones already been so generous :) i too hope connor might use this forum some day and really appreciate how kiwibiker helped his dad and me out

[Her_C4]

:done::love: AWEsome thanks Anika, more than happy to help out - $$ going in now. Take care :hug:

[Sharry]

i just want to know hes ok and that I'm doing everything he would have wanted me to do

Thanks for the updates Anika. I'm so pleased to hear that you are focusing on yourself doing something to help yourself carry on through this.

I would love to meet you one day, please PM me at any point if you would like a visit.

Carry on as you are, aknowledging the strength you have and what you need to do to help yourself manage one day/one event at a time.

[bezajel]

Hey Anika,

Glad to see you're still checking in here. My thoughts have been with you often!

*hugs*

[Pussy]

Kia kaha, Anika. You're doing good! :niceone:

[caseye]

Morning Anika, bit of a crap day today aye. Just a post to say hello,and a reminder that theres always someone on here who will answer your posts if you want them too.
Take care.

[alexm]

thanks caseye, and everydays a crap day now :( it seems to be getting worse with every passing day not better..the only different thing is that I'm not crying the whole day..just some of it

[boman]

thanks caseye, and everydays a crap day now :( it seems to be getting worse with every passing day not better..the only different thing is that I'm not crying the whole day..just some of it

Yes, you do get like that alright. It is good to hear from you though. Keep yourself busy, even posting on here, anything to stop you wollowing in the misery. Things do get easier, it just takes a while. Keep strong Anika.

Time is a healer. It just takes time.

Keep strong.

[Ypawa]

KIA KAHA Anika - your words are alarming, keep posting in here- theres always someone in here that will reply to you no matter what -pls REMEMBER this!

[caseye]

Hey Anika, I'm away for a few days, just so as you know and don't miss my dumb hello's.
Take care and allow yourself time each day, just for you.

[cowpatz]

thanks caseye, and everydays a crap day now :( it seems to be getting worse with every passing day not better..the only different thing is that I'm not crying the whole day..just some of it

At least you are not crying all day. Take it little by little and one day at a time.
Are your family still close by? Take care.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

thanks caseye, and everydays a crap day now :( it seems to be getting worse with every passing day not better..the only different thing is that I'm not crying the whole day..just some of it

Hi Anika good here from you. As has been said there will always be someone here for you so if you need to talk you know where to come.

Take care love

[Sharry]

Hi Anika,

Glad to hear the tears are easing. With time your pain will too.
Read bowmans post again.
keep busy and distract yourself for a while each day.
:hug:

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Good Morning Anika hope you have a good day today. it looks like the weather might be a little better so maybe you could go for a little walk to pass some time and get yourself a coffee or something.


Take care love Wendy

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Good morning Anika hope you had a good day yesterday. I have to go down to the shore on Friday and was wondering if you would like to go for a coffee i can pick you up and maybe go into takapuna. Just send me a pm .

Take Care love Wendy

[Waxxa]

Good morning Anika hope you had a good day yesterday. I have to go down to the shore on Friday and was wondering if you would like to go for a coffee i can pick you up and maybe go into takapuna. Just send me a pm .

Take Care love Wendy

Nice one :2thumbsup

[Ypawa]

Good morning Anika hope you had a good day yesterday. I have to go down to the shore on Friday and was wondering if you would like to go for a coffee i can pick you up and maybe go into takapuna. Just send me a pm .

Take Care love Wendy

:niceone::hug::love: your awesome wendy :2thumbsup

[Dutchee]

Hey anika, how's it going?
I was reading a magazine yesterday, and the article was almost about you. She's an Australian girl who lost her partner through a car accident on the day of her daughter's birth. He died just after the birth (as in a minute or so) - laying in hospital while she was in labour. The daughter is now a teen, I think, and knows all about her dad.
We're all still here for you, you just need to phone or pm.
I hope you and Wendy had a nice coffee.
I also hope you being quiet at the moment means you're venting elsewhere, and not bottling it all up.
Take care & we're thinking of you still.
Michelle

[alexm]

hi guys..
I'm pretty much doing worse..the only thing I can say is better is that I dont cry all day only at night..but I think its more cause I have no tears left. Everyday is harder without him.I miss him more with everyday.I havent been able to see anyone except my friends, I cant do anything without him even putting petrol in my car and grocery shopping.I feel like a bad mum cause I dont feel like taking care of Connor right now, but I am anyway.I'm tired,exhausted..tomorrow is my first whole day alone with Connor and I dont know if I'm gonna handle it.I've started packing up the house which is hard I cant stay there longer than an hour at a time and I havent been able to pack up our bedroom..I know I cant live there now cause its too sad but at the same time I dont want to let the house go cause theres lots of good memories there..but its too late now anyway. I would still very much like to be with alex, dont want to go on anymore and dont want to start a new life without alex..and please dont call the cops cause I still feel that way apparently its a normal part of grieving..anyway this has turned into a very long post..thanks for listening :)

[MadDuck]

..thanks for listening :)

Thats what we are here for. I have the day off tomorrow so if you need some company send me a PM.

[Tink]

hi guys..
..thanks for listening :)

It is a huge part of grieving... you take these good ladies words, and trust them.. they are a shoulder that understands.. .and Connor will be safe with them... time heals all wounds.. but love will never cease. hugs

[Mom]

..thanks for listening :)

Exhaustion and tiredness and tears are a normal part of being a new Mommy with a small baby love, let alone dealing with the death of your beloved Alex as well. You are doing so well, thank you for sharing :yes:

[jono035]

thanks for listening :)

Thank you for sharing.

I'm sure there are a heap of people (like me) watching this thread and leaving the commenting to those better suited to offering advice and support, but our thoughts are with you all the same.

[boman]

Speaking from personal experience, don't try to pack up the house by yourself. It is hard. There are so many memories there, and reliving those memoties in your present state of mind is very hard. Is there someone, or group of someones who can assist you in packing. I still live in the house, me and my late wife bought. 16 months down the road things are getting a bit easier. Her family came and moved my wife out, pretty much straight away. It made living here a little bit easier, but you still retain the memories, both happy and sad. Nothing can change what has happend, all you can do is carry on living, one day at a time. Like I said in another post.

Time is a healer. It just takes time.

Take care, and please keep posting, no matter how trivial you think it is. There are a LOT of people looking forward to hearing from you.

[Pedrostt500]

Speaking from personal experience, don't try to pack up the house by yourself. It is hard. There are so many memories there, and reliving those memoties in your present state of mind is very hard. Is there someone, or group of someones who can assist you in packing. I still live in the house, me and my late wife bought. 16 months down the road things are getting a bit easier. Her family came and moved my wife out, pretty much straight away. It made living here a little bit easier, but you still retain the memories, both happy and sad. Nothing can change what has happend, all you can do is carry on living, one day at a time. Like I said in another post.

Time is a healer. It just takes time.

Take care, and please keep posting, no matter how trivial you think it is. There are a LOT of people looking forward to hearing from you.

What he said X2, I had to pack up a Girl friends flat after she died, it was tough, one of the toughest things I've done, I still every now and then during private moments shed a tear or two for her, and yes I still love her though she is gone, it does get better with time.

[davebullet]

Don't worry about wee Connor. You are his mum and that's all he needs to know :) You are going through a lot and sounds like there are a lot of decisions you are either having to make or needing to make which adds to the stress and sadness of it all. I don't know how much sleep you are managing to get (I'm guessing not a lot) and lack of sleep with everything else won't leave you with any energy. Save your strength for you and if you need landlords or others to help you out / give you time, ask them. A little help is the least we all can do.

[Sharry]

We are here to listen Anika, thank you for sharing:hug:

Just being a new mum will bring emotions and exhaustion, just know that what you are feeling is ok. You are very normall in your response to what you have experienced.
Are you able to stay with someone such as your parents for a few days and then return to the house with them?
Deciding wether or not to stay or pack anything are not decisions to be forced. Take your time and talk to your family to help yourself process your decisions.

Just take one day at a time Anika :hug:

[alexm]

Hi Guys,
Yea I really didnt want to pack up the house so early..but for some reason until I have the death certificate WINZ has decided to only give me $190 a week even though I'm missing $400 a wekk now..so that really doesnt pay the rent and I dont want to use up savings in Connors account on rent.And I'm still trying to organise my ACC payments they sent out the wrong forms first time round. Dont feel up to organising all of that stuff either :( I've only been back to the house twice for an hour at a time before it got too much..went into our bedroom and lay on his pillow and just cried cause it felt like he was still living there. And this sunday is our one year anniversary I dont know what I'm gonna do I would like to go down to his grave in Tauranga but my mum wants to pack up the rest of the stuff in the house..which is only the bedroom left to do so its gonna be a really fun anniversary alone..packing up our things..on the day I'm pretty sure he was gonna propose 2 me.what to do.

[Oakie]

...but for some reason until I have the death certificate WINZ has decided to only give me $190 a week .

Just their bureaucracy. They need a death cert number to make it official blah blah blah. Hopefully you'll get payments backdated. Just keep at it Anika and everything will come to pass in time. I know it doesn't make it any easier at the moment but try not to waste your energy on getting pissed off with them.

[PrincessBandit]

Hi Anika. Hope you were able to get out with mrs busa pete the other day; it will be good for you to do things with other people, even if just briefly or every now and again.

Try not to isolate yourself and take advantage of people's offers to go with you or help with "paperwork" issues. It is very hard to find motivation to do even the most basic things when you simply feel drained and bereft. If at all possible make yourself interact with others, even if you resent having to do it or feel you simply have no energy or desire for it.

I hope you are able to get through the next few days with the love and support of your family and friends.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Good morning anika hope you had a better day yesterday. As i know you are going to get there. Sorry we couldn't catch up for a coffee but hopefully soon you will feel up to it. Just remember we are hear for you.


Take care Love

Wendy

[Ronin]

A thread like this makes me realise how special this place can be sometimes.

Anika, you have some great people here supporting you.

[caseye]

Hello there Anika, have sat here reading the previous few pages of posts to catch up.Glad to see you are telling it like it is, still!
Speak the truth and nothing can ever be misconstrued.I'd be only to happy to assist you with the flat if you'd like.
Just say the word.
I've always left off my signature when PMing you,but never took it off while in this thread.I'm hoping it hasn't ever offended or upset you, but it was the favourite of my late brother inlaw and it's here as my tribute to a great mate.
Take care and give that little fella Connor, a hug from us all when you get the chance.
Remember theres always someone here who can and will do whatever you need if asked.
K.

[StoneY]

A wee note too all you wonderful folk looking out for Anika.

EVERY one of you rox, you do, all of you

Anika, prayers to ya mate
These guys really care, and im glad your doing as well as you are for Conner's sake

Bless all of you

[Sharry]

Hi Anika,

I had a few days in Napier, saw some realy cool snow.

Hope the move is complete now. But do ask any of us for assistance, particularly caseye who has made a guenuine offer there.

Remember that our offers are genuine and stand untill you feel like you would like to meet us :hug:

[cowpatz]

Hi Anika,
Just dropping a line to say hi and lend a little moral support.
I hope your move went Ok and that you and Connor are settling into wherever you are now. Do take the time out to enjoy your son. They are only ever this age once and it would be a shame to miss out on this wonderful time. I hope his wee smile can help take just a little of your pain away...even if just for a moment.
Take care Anika.

[Madmax]

Anika could you please pm me your bank account details my partner and I would like to help out too.

[Ladydragon]

Anika could you please pm me your bank account details too

[jono035]

hi..I noticed some people are still asking for my acc #..well connors new acc # is 12-3035-0719772-51. but everyones already been so generous :) i too hope connor might use this forum some day and really appreciate how kiwibiker helped his dad and me out

There we go... She posted it a couple of pages back.

Link to the post (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showpost.php?p=1129438152&postcount=197)

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika how are you going i hope you are getting there which you will with a time and with a lot of :love: and support which you are getting from your mum and don't forget us guys on kb that has offered there support. Take care love and don't for get my offer we are more than willing to give you a hand. Take care love :hug:

Wendy

[Genestho]

Hey sweet pea! Thinking of you this weekend. I have that number for next time you come down. Don't be afraid to ask for anything :hug:

[caseye]

Morning Anika, finally the sun.
I know it's small consolation but at least without the rain and the wind a person can sit outside with their thoughts and get out of the cabin so to speak.
Seems to me that you are getting things done however hard they may be to do.
We here are very sincerely saddened by your loss, but over the last few days and weeks we've come to see a determined young women come to terms with her situation and deal with it honestly.
Stay true Anika, say whats on your mind let us know what, if anything we can do for you and ours.

[Ypawa]

Kiakaha Anika- the days will get easier as time goes by. Allow yourself that time. The support from kbers is priceless :hug: great to check in this thread- so much AWHI- Just awesome... Arohanui

[Rodney007]

hello anika and alex jr, hope your doing okay ...
stay strong ! peace:headbang:

[alexm]

hi guys..
im still doing pretty bad..atleast i was mostly in shock and pretending before now I get moments throughout the day where I realise this is real and I just get such a bad pain in my heart and cant believe this is actually happening.it just can't be real..good people like Alex dont die at 21..this doesnt happen to people like us who had everything. I guess the weekend made it worse I went to Tauranga to visit his grave for the first time (had to spend $300 to do it so can only do it once a month).It was really hard going there I had one of those "reality" moments and was like..thats my partner lying in the ground under my feet..my handsome Alex who I never get to see again. It was nice too though cause I talk to him everyday but I feel stupid cause I'll just be sitting in my room..it was nice to have somewhere to direct my talking to. I also found out that Alex's mother changed her mind about Alex being buried in the nice spot we had picked in Auckland and all agreed on to burying him in a horrible graveyard next to a farm in Tauranga in a place he didnt like because it was cheaper to buy a plot there.This breaks my heart.Cause I knew he would have wanted to be buried up here and to find out he isn't because of money really saddens and disgusts me. Its your son..you only get one chance to bury him..why does money matter?I would have paid for half of it had I known :( I feel like we're so far apart..and yes I know its just his body but I feel like he's been taken away from me and he would have hated that. Anyway I'm gonna shut up now.thanks for listening again guys.

[Sharry]

Thank you so much for sharing Anika. I understand how it can help to have somewhere to direct your words :hug:
You are standing up to this better than you aknowledge, I do admire your courage.
Realsing it is real is the start of a healing process which will fluctuate in waves. Hold on to the love from your family and the support from every out here that care about you :hug:

[Her_C4]

hi guys..
im still doing pretty bad..atleast i was mostly in shock and pretending before now I get moments throughout the day where I realise this is real and I just get such a bad pain in my heart and cant believe this is actually happening.it just can't be real..good people like Alex dont die at 21..this doesnt happen to people like us who had everything. I guess the weekend made it worse I went to Tauranga to visit his grave for the first time (had to spend $300 to do it so can only do it once a month).It was really hard going there I had one of those "reality" moments and was like..thats my partner lying in the ground under my feet..my handsome Alex who I never get to see again. It was nice too though cause I talk to him everyday but I feel stupid cause I'll just be sitting in my room..it was nice to have somewhere to direct my talking to. I also found out that Alex's mother changed her mind about Alex being buried in the nice spot we had picked in Auckland and all agreed on to burying him in a horrible graveyard next to a farm in Tauranga in a place he didnt like because it was cheaper to buy a plot there.This breaks my heart.Cause I knew he would have wanted to be buried up here and to find out he isn't because of money really saddens and disgusts me. Its your son..you only get one chance to bury him..why does money matter?I would have paid for half of it had I known :( I feel like we're so far apart..and yes I know its just his body but I feel like he's been taken away from me and he would have hated that. Anyway I'm gonna shut up now.thanks for listening again guys.

Hey Anika,

Good to read your update although I feel your pain! What a shock for you to have to deal with on top of everything else :( . I guess as you say though - it is just his body and his spirit is free to be where he wants it to be - and I'll bet my bottom dollar that it is with you, where it counts:hug:

$300 sounds a really excessive amount of money!! Don't forget that there are plenty of REALLY good people here that will be only too happy to help you out with transport, company, accommodation etc. I understand your need for your own space -- but so do they, and can help without being intrusive. :hug:


....
You are standing up to this better than you aknowledge, I do admire your courage.
Realsing it is real is the start of a healing process which will fluctuate in waves. Hold on to the love from your family and the support from every out here that care about you :hug:

+1 :2thumbsup

[caseye]

Hello there Anika, glad to hear from you, no matter how bad things are, don't you forget we're here and will listen and do what we can.
For one thing, next time you want to go to Tauranga, let us here know, I'm sure a KB'er will step up and offer transport and or accomodation.I'm ready and willing anytime you want, if that helps.
It really doesn't matter now, where his mother has laid Alex's body to rest, it only matters that if you want to go to where he lies someone from here will help you make that happen.
As Her B4 said, I too reckon Alex is with you wherever you are and whatever your'e doing.
You take care now, thinking of you and Connor.

[davebullet]

Hi Anika,

Reading your reply brought a tear to my eye. That must be terrible not to be able to visit him whenever you want to and knowing he has been buried there. Her_B4's suggestion is a good one. There are a lot of kind people here who will help you without hesitation. If you want help with transport or accommodation, people will help. Feel free to post dates when you want to travel. I know it's not as good as going whenever you need to (I know we just can't plan some things in advance), but people can help at short notice.

Glad you are still posting here.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika was Good to hear from you and to hear you are geting there. As we have said one day at a time. There are many stage you have to go throught in the healing process so don't be to hard on yourself you are stronger than you think and don't forget there is always here. Just to able to write down your feelings are a great healing tool as it get it all out of your head. Take care Love

Wendy

[yachtie10]

Hi Anika
My deepest condolences for your loss
I have a nephew named Connor who is a few months older than your son.
If you want some baby clothes please let me know and I can drop a bagful off to you or anyone else you trust.

best wishes

[Genestho]

Reality Bites. I remember laying where my boy is buried and crying and dry retching for hours, days, laying my head where his chest would've been.

Thinking how slow his heart used to beat.
Trying to think of his voice so I wouldn't forget it! (I haven't by the way - still remember his smart arsed comments and laugh, the most!)

The pain in your heart should lessen, as you will know by now, grief is an hourly, daily roller coaster in the first weeks and months.
I can assure you the roller coaster spreads out a little further with time, (apart from triggers) eventually you learn to manage the pain, until the pain is a little less, and you laugh a little more than crying.

They say grief has 5/7 stages, and you go back and forth through them, in any order, there's no time limit.

Just you keep hangin in there babe. One foot in front of the other, don't look too far ahead.

You can stay at my gaff whenever you want if that cuts costs? Ask for anything and you shall receive.:hug:

[alexm]

Hey all,
Thanks again for listening and caring. Yea it really sucks not being able to visit his grave as much as I would like, cause I would go atleast a few times a week if i could. I know people say its just his "shell" but I don't know to me it means something. I just feel its a place I can talk to him and it was comforting in a sad way to me. Also just knowing that before he died I was the one who knew him best, how he thought etc. And I know 100% if I had asked Alex before he died he would have told me he would have wanted to be buried here in Auckland, where he was going to spend the rest of his life with me and his son. It just really bugs me his family (except for his dad) didn't take this into consideration and only thought about their own needs and money. I know whats done is done but I can't get over it. My mum has said to me if I was to die suddenly in the near future she would have me buried in Tauranga next to Alex, even though my whole family is up here and it wouldn't be what they wanted, but she said thats what she would do cause it would have been what I would have wanted. I just think thats how to go about it, thinking about the person who passed away. If I truly thought Alex would have been happy to know he was being buried in Tauranga in a horrible graveyard next to a farm away from me and Connor I would have given it my blessing. Thing is he would have been devastated to know this and how upset it makes me. But what can I do. Oh and the next time I'm going down is for Alex's 22nd birthday (or what should have been) on the 25th of November. My mum is coming with me this time and Alex's dad has said we can stay with him so atleast we will just have to pay for petrol. But thanks for all your offers I won't forget them

[caseye]

Anika your Mum sounds like a real down to earth Lady.
Sounds like Alex's dad is also a pretty good sort of a man.
You take care out there and don't worry,we won't forget, we've made offers of assistance, those offers stand for as long as you need or want them.
Really good to see you here and to hear what you are doing about things.
You really are a lot tougher than you might have thought you know, like T.G.W said , "one foot in front of the other"