Share your txt jokes

[peasea]

I hate women who wear too much makeup. My missus has just the right amount of foundation on her face. I buried her under the house.

[trailblazer]

whats the differance between a blond and a maori.
Evan though the blond is dumb as shit they will still get a job.

[crazyhorse]

Kids learning conversion:

Timmy, how much is a centimeter? 10mm miss
Cindy, how much is a litre? 1000ml miss
Rangi, How much is an ounce? Aw bout $300 bux miss

[<G>]

When love fades



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, arsehole. I was talking to the cat."

[crazyhorse]

Teacher asks a girl to give a sentence with the word "handsome" in it.....
She replied "when i'm sucking dick, and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome times!"

[crazyhorse]

This new 3D TV is very realistic. I fell asleep watching the Maori channel, and when I woke up, my fucking wallet was gone!

[one fast tl1ooo]

How do blondes' braincells die?

Alone.

[<G>]

Iron Man is a superhero

Iron Woman is a command

[angelindisguise]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has broken his leg. Paddy asks him to go upstairs and fetch his slippers as his feet are freezing. Murphy runs upstairs and finds Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. He tells them that their dad had sent him up to shag them both. "F*** off u liar" they tell him, so he offers to prove it. He shouts downstairs "Both of them Pat." Paddy replies "Of course, whats the use of f***ing one?

[angelindisguise]

How many animals can you fit into a pair of ladies jeans? 2 calfs, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares the occasional cock and 1 dead fish on one can find!

[crazyhorse]

Apparently Gary Coleman had been at deaths door for weeks before he died. Poor little fucker just couldn't readh the handle

[Spicer]

I went to a party last nite the DJ played the song sit down so we all sat down he played jump around so we jumped around he then played come on eileen-i got asked to leave.


Hillbilly jim is teaching his son to masturbate.The son says dad this is fantastic! Dad says i know,and when you're older you can use your own cock!


What's the difference between crutchless panties and a speed camera?
With crutchless panties you can see the cunt behind the bush.


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT YO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.Innovative
2.Preliminary
3.Proliferation
2.Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.Specificity
2.Anticonstitutionalistically
3.passive-aggressive disorder
4.Transsubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.No thanks.i'm married
2.Npoe,no more booze for me
3.Sorry but you're not really my type
4.No,i don't want to see your fanny.
5.No my cocks fine as it is I don't want you to suck it
6.No please don't sit on my face ive got asthma.


Roses are red,Nuts are brown,Skirts go UP,Pants go DOWN,Body to Body,Skin to Skin.when its STIFF,Stick it in,it goes in DRY,comes out WET,the Longer its in the STRONGER IT GETS,IT COMES out dripping and it starts to sag,its NOT what you think,its a Bushells Tea Bag.[smile]

[crazyhorse]

Just been banned from a muslim clothes shop. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!

[Stirts]

If God wanted us to have abortions he would make them all Chinese girls.

[Swoop]

My deaf son is always swearing.

I'm getting fed up with washing his hands with soap.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[Spicer]

Man at mental asylum rapes cleaner and escapes.Headlines in paper reads,'nut screws washer and bolts'

Theys aY pE oPLEtHa TtA k EiT uPt H e A r S e H a V e T r O u B L E r E a D i N g.

Mr CADBURY & mS PINKY met for a PICNIC.Wanting a piece of HEAVEN,he slipped his hand into her SNICKERS and found her CHERRY RIPE,so he showed her his PEANUT SLAB,not keen to have any JELLYBABIES,she let him have her up the HERSHEY highway.She screamed with TURKISH DELIGHT.As he took out his fun sized MARS BAR,it felt a bit CRUNCIHIE,so she wanted some TIMEOUT but he did a TWIRL and in a STRAWBURST came in a very MILKY WAY.

HEIGHT OF POVERTY: Wife stiching husband's condom.
HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: A girl applying clearsil to her nipples thinking they are pimples.
HEIGHT OF AMBITION; An ant climbing on the leg of an elephant with a motive of rape.
HEIGHT OF UNEMPLOYMENT; A spider web found in a prostitutes pussy.
HEIGHT OF LAZINESS: Naked man sleeping on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest

[crazyhorse]

How to satisfy a woman with 3 1/2 inches? <img src="http://www.whyy.org/blogs/itsourcity/files/2009/04/credit-card.jpg" width="200" />

[one fast tl1ooo]

How to satisfy a man in bed

http://www.caribbeanfever.com/img/viagrakills.jpg

[Spicer]

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a
headache and sex at the same time?'


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs
this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting
on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything
else"

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't
had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!



A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin,
I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the
symptoms to me". "Yes........Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a
skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'....was definitely
the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for
my birthday?'

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing
aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and
he said "ten past twelve".

[Spicer]

For some time,many of us have wondered who is 'Jack Shit"? We find ourselves at a loss when some one says "You don't know Jack Shit" Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way:Jack Shit is the only son of Awe shit who married O shit.the owners of Knee Deep in shit.In turn Jack shit married No shit,The couple had 6 childern:Holy shit,Give a shit,Full of shit,Bull shit,and the twins Deep shit and Dip shit.Deep shit married Dumb shit,a high school drop out.After 15 years,Jack and No shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No shit Sherlock.Meanwhile Dip shit married Shit-happens.Bull shit travellrd the world and returned home with an italian bride Pisa shit.So tell me now you don't know Jack Shit!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[crazyhorse]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[one fast tl1ooo]

http://a1.phobos.apple.com/us/r1000/019/Purple/b8/1d/22/mzl.qextxomb.320x480-75.jpg

[crazyhorse]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

[crazyhorse]

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

[bogan]

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

:laugh: or that they always gotta be different
or that they look down on everything!

[crazyhorse]

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some. . . . . . just don't have any film.

[Spicer]

***HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart


Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

************

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday



A butler came running into his important master's office. "Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?"

Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him.

---------------------------

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
"How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

--------------------------

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


Q: Why are condoms transparent?

A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!



Signboard outside a prostitute's house:

Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...



New AIDS awareness slogan:

Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.



Why is $ex like shaving?

Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...



Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?

A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death



Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?

A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed



Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it is SHOWTIME!



Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?

A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later



Advantages of having an affair with a married women.

They give like hell.

They do not yell.

They do not tell.

They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!



My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

[one fast tl1ooo]

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
She screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

[crazyhorse]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

[one fast tl1ooo]

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

[RiderInBlack]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.LOL, love it, but now for the Guy's version:
Once upon a time a Girl asked a Guy "When are ya getting around ta asking me to marry ya?" . The Guy said "When ya stop bugging me", so she left him. He went drinking with all his Mates that she didn't like and wouldn't let him go out with. He stayed over with his mates, cause he had had too much fun & didn't have anyone at home ringing all the time asking him "when the hell are ya getting home". He didn't have ta keep the house spotless & there was no-one nagging him ta get this or that done. He enjoyed cooking for himself (She had never let him get near the kitchen unless it was ta do the dishes). He had a workshop full of tools, as many motorbikes as he liked, a boat, a Xbox and a 50" HD TV with Sky Sports. He didn't have ta worry about his beer-gut. He could fart and belch as loud and smelly as he wanted. He didn't have ta worry about his "Best Friend" sleeping with his wife and lived happily ever after. The End.

By the way they were both secretly sad and lonely. They put on a fake front for all their married friends (who were pining after their single days), but really were envious of their married friends. They missed having someone ta talk to and hold, and died with no-one ta miss them when they had gone. The Real End

[JATZ]

LOL, love it, but now for the Guy's version:
Once upon a time a Girl asked a Guy "When are ya getting around ta asking me to marry ya?" . The Guy said "When ya stop bugging me", so she left him. He went drinking with all his Mates that she didn't like and wouldn't let him go out with. He stayed over with his mates, cause he had had too much fun & didn't have anyone at home ringing all the time asking him "when the hell are ya getting home". He didn't have ta keep the house spotless & there was no-one nagging him ta get this or that done. He enjoyed cooking for himself (She had never let him get near the kitchen unless it was ta do the dishes). He had a workshop full of tools, as many motorbikes as he liked, a boat, a Xbox and a 50" HD TV with Sky Sports. He didn't have ta worry about his beer-gut. He could fart and belch as loud and smelly as he wanted. He didn't have ta worry about his "Best Friend" sleeping with his wife and lived happily ever after. The End.

By the way they were both secretly sad and lonely. They put on a fake front for all their married friends (who were pining after their single days), but really were envious of their married friends. They missed having someone ta talk to and hold, and died with no-one ta miss them when they had gone. The Real End

Faaark thats a long txt :D

[one fast tl1ooo]

So Much Fun
A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

[crazyhorse]

Bus load Maoris crash. Farmer buries them. Cop asks if they were all dead?

Farmer replied "some said they weren't but you know how those black cunts lie!"

[crazyhorse]

The Maori party is objecting to the 90 day work trial. They think its unreasonable of us to expect them to have a job for that long.

[crazyhorse]

Finance ministers imposed tax on sex: Kissing 10%; Hug 20%; Squeezing 30%; Smooching 50%; Fucking 90% - And you? don't worry, masturbating is still Tax FREE

[Stirts]

"Battery low, switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work" Windows spelt wank wrong

[Stirts]

My girlfriend takes sex far too seriously.
I was shagging her from behind the other night and started slapping her on the arse screaming:

"Who's your daddy, who's your daddy!"

"Fuck off", she snapped, "You know who our daddy is".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

[Hinny]

Marriage guidance counselor asks husband if there is anything he and his wife have in common. After a long silence he replies, "Well neither of us suck cock".

[Hinny]

A useful insult.
"You are as much use as a cock flavoured lollipop".

[burden2]

My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers while I was having a wank. Lets just say it made the rest of her funeral very awkward.

[Spicer]

15 blokes chase a maori thru McDonalds & beat the shit out of him.A witness was asked why he didn"t help.He said,to be honest i thought 15 was enuff!

Maori-English translations: The dole=payday,Bum=Dad,School=nap time,Foreshore=for sure,Treaty=free shit,Bro=him/her,Pedofile=uncle.Jail=retirement plan

Mesage from WWW.Adult Dating.Com...Your dating ad has been on our website for 19 years now without any reply! Do you want us to try 1 week without a pcture?

[scroter]

women eh! boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed... And they wont take it up the arse cause it HURTS

woman in labour screams at her husband "you did this to me" husband replies "well I recall asking to stick it up your arse but you said it might hurt to much"

[crazyhorse]

I said to wife, right you sexy thing, upstairs now. She looked at me n said "ooh, you kinky bastard" I said 'no, seriously, the rugbys starting, now fuck off'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heater off while I'm out.'

[crazyhorse]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.....



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..



When she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....

[Hinny]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[crazyhorse]

I asked my wife,



'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'



It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'



she said.



So I suggested,



'How about the kitchen?'



And that's when the fight started...

[marie_speeds]

Lady goes to GP complaining of discharge. Doctor says " Take off your undies and hop up on the table" He feels around for awhile then asks "How does that feel?" She replies" Farken Lovely but the discharge is from my ear"

[crazyhorse]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds...'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.


And then the fight started...

[one fast tl1ooo]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[crazyhorse]

When police caught up with a kkk member burning maories in NZ with petrol, they asked him what was he doing.

He replied....... about 17 to the gallon

[Stirts]

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

[KiWiP]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.
I was chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father's day.
I got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started......

[crazyhorse]

How are a blonde's legs like a convenience store?

They're always open.

[<G>]

Duck walks into a chemist and picks up a box of condoms, takes them to the counter.
Guy behind the counter says "You want these on your bill" ?
Ducks replies " No. What do you think i am - a dickhead? "

[Spicer]

Paddy asks librarian 'have u got the new help book for men with small cocks' librarian says 'its not in yet' paddy says 'yes thats the one.'

Man calls 111 and says 'i think my wife is dead' the operator says 'how do u know?' he says 'well the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!!!'

Jack and Jill went up the hill and planned to do some kissing.Jack made a pass and grabbed her arse.now two of his teeth are missing

[Gibbo89]

Gay man comes home to find his boyfriend's arse in the freezer...

Man with arse in the freezer yells out, "thought you might like a cold one after work!"

[Hinny]

Cecil comes home to find his boyfriend Cedric with his arse in the fridge.
Cecil asks : "What the hell are you doing with your bum in the fridge?"
Cedric replies "I thought you might like something cool to slip into!"

[crazyhorse]

Paddy asks librarian "have you got the new help book for men with small cocks?"

Librarian says "its not in yet"

Paddy says "yes, thats the one"

[Spicer]

A muslim man has been caught shagging sheep in wales.When questioned,he said it was Islamb and he could do what he fucking wanted with it.

I'm a little penis short and bare.here are my balls and my pubic hair.When i get all steamed up grab my knob,wank me hard and stick me in your gob!

If the dove is the bird of peace.What is the bird of true love? Its to swallow.

Whats the difference between 2 cocks and a joke? Your mother cant' take a joke.

[MSTRS]

My girlfriend doesn't like my new aftershave. It's called Chloroform. She says it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse.

[Goblin]

Is it true David Bain has a paper round in Feilding?

[1 Free Man]

Irish farther finds cigarettes in his daughters room. "Oh no she smokes!"
He then finds whiskey "oh no she drinks!"
Then he finds condoms "Shit she has a penis!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 kids in class
Teacher asks
"John what do cows say?"
Moo Miss
"Joanie what do sheep say?"
Baa miss
"Rangi what do pigs say?"
Hands up you little black cunt.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Shagged a girl with a chronic stutter.
It wasn't to bad.
I managed to finish before she said NO.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex is like your pay packet.
Can't discuss it with anyone
Because then they will know
how little you are getting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pussy is like snow.
It's fun to play in
You never know when it's going to cum
and only some of it is clean enough to eat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Give it here!!
No it's mine!
Let me have it!!
No it's my turn you
had it last, fuck off !
Come on gimee it!!
No way!!

Siamese twins having a wank.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing worse than after sex
looking down and seeing that
soggy used condom hanging from
your cock.
Particularly if you weren't wearing one when you started .

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you go to a maori garage sale.
All your stuff back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Just seen the aerial view of the floods in Pakistan.
Which reminds me
I must get some COCO POP'S on my way home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex has gone down hill so I bought the wife a dildo.
She said it looks like a giant carrot.
..... which is kind of ironic as her fanny
looks like a donkey yawning.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[DMNTD]

A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."

[DMNTD]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Go ahead."


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


Who invented the toothbrush?

A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)



Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

[1 Free Man]

Just got arested at Bunnings for punching a maori chick in the face.
Not entirely my fault though.
Dad told me to grab a Black and Decker!

------------------------------------------------------------------
2 whales over turn a ship using their blowholes
"Shall we eat the crew"? asked Mr. Whale
"Absolutely not" said Mrs. Whale
"I do blow jobs but I don't swallow seamen!"

------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher asked Rangi to use the word CONTAGIOUS in a sentance.
Rangi says
"my neibour uesd a 1" brush to paint his house and Dad said
it would take the CUNT AGES."

------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman was found hanging from a tree wearing a white hood.
It appears he met a genie and his first wish was to be hung like a black man.

------------------------------------------------------------------
The life of a vagina.
My hairs a mess.
My mates are lippy.
My neighbours and asshole
and my owner keeps on giving me the finger.

------------------------------------------------------------------
All men marry nymphomaniacs
Problem is after a while the nympho leaves
but the maniac doesn't.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking along the river last night and saw
two maori's drowning in the water so I saved them!
........on my phone as a screen saver.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[crazyhorse]

How do you embarrass a archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from

[Spicer]

A smile is a sign of joy,a hug is a sign of love,a laugh is a sign of happiness and friend like me.......well thats a sign of fucking good taste!

Ya know,back in my day we didn't have pedophiles,we had to buy our own lollies.


Science has proven: Drinking beer duznt make you fat,it makes you lean....against bars,tables,chairs and poles.


Went to the doc's to get my testicles checked out.While he was cupping my scrotum,he said 'Don't worry'its quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination" I said "I havn't got an erection" He replied "No but i have"

[DMNTD]

New chatup line it will get you a root every time it goes "excuse me love does this cloth smell like chloroform to you." :shifty:

[DMNTD]

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up passing out on the sofa!
Must have picked up her drink by mistake.....

[DMNTD]

Jamaican guy called Winston finds an old lamp. After giving it a polish a genie appears...he gives Winston 1 wish. "I'd like to be slim, white and surrounded by pussy"...There was a puff of smoke and Winston turned into a tampon...Remember if u get offered something 4 nothing there's usually a string attached

[crazyhorse]

An 80 year old comes home to find his wife naked and doing a handstand. What the hell are ya doing he asks. She replies, well ya can't get it up, so how bout dropping it in!

[Patrick]

A lady has been admitted into hospital with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck up her fanny. Although she's in intensive care, doctors say she is pickin up nicely.

Farm worker hits a pig with his Ute. Rings boss to say it's alive and stuck in the bull bars. Boss says to shoot the pig. Worker asks "what do I do with his speed radar?"

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me Gavin from Autoglass came around and injected that special resin into her crack. She hasn't even got a car!

My missus said I couldn't multi task so I proved her wrong. Pissing while getting a blow job probably wasn't the best way to do it...

Last night I went down on my girlfriends mum and got my tongue stud snagged on her clit piercing. I panicked... I was in a right old flap...

A girl in the pub points at a guys beer gut and says, "what's that, Speights or DB?" He says no idea, but there is a tap underneath if ya want a taste...

The girlfriend has just had her teeth whitened. Although to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

A dyslexic bank robber runs into the bank and yells, "Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fuck up!"

Went around to a mates today and he showed me a VHS of him and his mates beating up a (insert flavour) fella. I was horrified.... I mean, who the fuck still uses VHS?

Wish you were with me in my bedroom rightnow, on the bed, under the sheets, 2gether with the lights off... so I can show you by new watch that glows in the dark....

Boy in bath with mum asks, "what's that hairy thing?" Thats my sponge she sed. Oh yes said the boy, the babysitters got 1. I've seen her washing dads face with it.

Irish newlyweds turn up at hotel and ask for honeymoon suite. Receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" Bride says, "I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse."

My girlfriends a dirty bitch. When I cum in her mouth, she gargles it, blows bubbles then lets it dribble over her chin and tits. She may be paralysed, but I know she enjoys it.....

Its a shame my wife wasn't trapped down that mine with those Chilean miners. They'd have dug themselves out by now....

[crazyhorse]

"give it here!"
"no, its mine!"
Let me have it, its my turn
"u had it last"
"fuck off!"
Come on gimme it!

"no way!"............... siamese twins having a wank :rofl:

[Patrick]

A dildo falls off a rubbish truck and hits the car window. Embarrassed mum says "my, thats a big insect." 2 which son says, "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big."

[<G>]

Got my son an i-pod 2day, got my daughter an i-phone, splashed out & got myself an i-pad. I couldn't have the missus miss out so got her a.....

i-ron.

[crazyhorse]

A woman who has no legs just won the strawberry picking championships. Jammy cunt!

[DMNTD]

Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed


Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber

[Spicer]

'My girlfriend's always complaining: 'You never tell me how much you feel;.But only yesterday,i woke her up by slapping her around the face with my cock.How much clearer can i be?

"Of course the main cause of paedophilla is good looking kids"

"Talking to an old person is like having acess to living history-which is a lot like normal history,except it reeks of piss.'

"I had table football in my lounge,but when my girlfriend moved in,she said it was to blokey.So i filled it with water and now we play table synchronised swimming."

" I woke up with an erection this morning.Upon reflection,i wish it had been my own."

"We don't have an en suite bathroom,but we do have plastic sheets,if anything,it's more convenient."

"To cut a long story short,Frodo does it."

"Have you heard about these kids in America?They go into their schools with automatic weapons and they go apeshit.They shoot 20 or 30 of their fellow pupils before turning the guns on themselves.What is their problem?Do they not know where the staffroom is?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street.She said,"can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, 'Alright,but we won't get much done.'''

"My girlfriend and i are trying for a baby.We got pretty close outside woolworths yesterday."

'People ask me what i did at university.I say 'philosophy and english'-which means i thought about reading a book."

"It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards."

"When i was younger.i couldn't talk to women-because i was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating.It would've toally given it away."

"I've written a rom-com.It's about a guy and a girl.Initially they hate wach other but they end up in bed together.It's called The Rapist."

'Last summer,i was in the park and i saw a muslim woman in the full hijab rollerblading.It looked amazing.Because it was such a hot day it looked like someone's shadow had got up and fucked off.''

"The best lubricant for anal sex? Tears."

"My mate got dumped by his girl.So i said "There's plenty more fish in the sea.He said,"Yeah,but it's not just the smell i miss."


Throwing acid is wrong,in some peoples eyes...

[crazyhorse]

been to the optometrist. He told me I'm colour blind. Now I'm fuckin worried some of my mates could be black.

If you are, can you deletee my number and fuck off! thanks

[crazyhorse]

Why do women have 2% more brains than a cow? So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor

[<G>]

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

[Spicer]

My wife and i have adopted a maori boy and have named him google. I mean it makes sense-he is going to be constantly searched anyway.

[DMNTD]

Broke me record last weekend 4 continual sex. 1 hour and 3 seconds. Then realised the clocks had gone forward ! !

[crazyhorse]

A gay guy dies. his boyfriend decides to put his ashes in a curry.

when asked why, he replied "I just want to feel him dribble out my ass one more time"

[cheviot]

What do mens underpants and a police car have in common?
There's always a prick in the front and at the end of the day there's a little shit in the back.

[MSTRS]

So I went to Wal-Mart and saw that they had Obama Christmas Tree ornaments.... Now ain't that a bitch??? Suddenly it's OK to hang a black man from a tree again?

[Stirts]

There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary.
And those who get laid.

[RiderInBlack]

There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary.
And those who get laid. And here's that translated into binary for those who haven't got laid:dodge::
01010100011010000110010101110010011001010010000001 10000101110010011001010010000000110001001100000010 00000111010001111001011100000110010101110011001000 00011011110110011000100000011100000110010101101111 01110000011011000110010100100000011010010110111000 10000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000111 01110110111101110010011011000110010000101110001000 00010101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000 01110111011010000110111100100000011101010110111001 10010001100101011100100111001101110100011000010110 11100110010000100000011000100110100101101110011000 01011100100111100100101110001000000100000101101110 01100100001000000111010001101000011011110111001101 10010100100000011101110110100001101111001000000110 01110110010101110100001000000110110001100001011010 010110010000101110

[KiWiP]

01010100011010000110010101110010011001010010000001 10000101110010011001010010000000110001001100000010 00000111010001111001011100000110010101110011001000 00011011110110011000100000011100000110010101101111 01110000011011000110010100100000011010010110111000 10000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000111 01110110111101110010011011000110010000101110001000 00010101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000 01110111011010000110111100100000011101010110111001 10010001100101011100100111001101110100011000010110 11100110010000100000011000100110100101101110011000 01011100100111100100101110001000000100000101101110 01100100001000000111010001101000011011110111001101 10010100100000011101110110100001101111001000000110 01110110010101110100001000000110110001100001011010 010110010000101110

01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110110 01101001 01110010 01100111 01101001 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100001 01101110 01100100 01110000 01100001 01110010 01100101 01101110 01110100 01110011 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000 00100000 01001111 01101000 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01001001 00100001 00100000 00100000 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110101 01110011 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110011 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110000 01110101 01100110 01100110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01100111 01101001 01100011 00100000 00101110 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 00101000 01001000 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101011 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100111 01110101 01101001 01100100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01111000 01111001 00101001 00100000 01001111 01101000 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100001 01110000 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01110011 01100101 00101110 00101110 00101110 :facepalm:

[RiderInBlack]

You are so a virgin your grandparents never bred. Oh shit so am I! And thus I disappear in a puff of logic .... (Hitch hikers guide to the Galaxy) Oh crap because I know that I am so much worse... :facepalm:Speak for ya-self, I was too busy getting laid to learn to read Binary, LOL. I cheated by Googleing "Binary Translator" ta translate that shit, cause there is no way I could read it otherwise.

[Spicer]

At the commonwealth games a muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol.......police say it's definitely race related.

[Patrick]

Old McDonald has tourettes... E I E I CUNT!

[crazyhorse]

I was sitting next to an old indian lady on the bus, I thought she had died. I couldn't see her breathing. Then i noticed the red dot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby

[Spicer]

I braked hard but still hit the car in front.A cute blonde got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"? This ure Honour is where the confusion began.

[Patrick]

Notice to all (insert flavour here). If you bleeding 2 death or trapped in a burning house, the new emergency number for you is 56325477896542836674433654485411541154132320159800 15854879664564621137791554984987855467986452210505 49879456854528453594522

[DMNTD]

Met a girl in the park, there was an instant spark between us, she fell at my feet and as I shagged her, i thought "these taser guns are well worth the money".:facepalm:

[one fast tl1ooo]

THINK YOU'VE HAD A CRAP DAY AT WORK??? one of the chilean miners just released. has just found out he never clocked in !!:facepalm:

[1 Free Man]

A recent study shows that people that have sex at least 3 times a week live longer.
U will be pleased to know that we are making your funeral arrangements.
What sort of music would you like to have played.?

************************************************** ***********
Female aliens have invaded the planet and are kidnapping men with big cocks.
Obviously your not in any danger but I'm just txting you from their
spaceship to say goodbye.

************************************************** ***********
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all yo need is a couple of hearts and a diamond.
But in the end you wish you had a fucking club and a spade.!!

************************************************** ***********

[Spicer]

My wife and i have adopted a maori boy and have named him google. I mean it makes sense = he is going to be constantly searched anyway

[Spicer]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'








A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'.



Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him and says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?'. Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'. Murphy says 'Four'.



One of life's great mysteries: how is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny IN THE DARK............ But she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?



Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'





Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[crazyhorse]

Got caught wanking by my gran the other night. She had a stroke. Amazingly soft hands for a 90 year old :rofl:

[MSTRS]

And there we were, 2 against 2000... boy did we slaughter those 2.

[crazyhorse]

Woman answers the phone and a pervert breathes"have u got a tight hairy cunt??"

The woman says "yes, he's sitting on the settee next 2 me. Do you want 2 talk to him?"

[crazyhorse]

I went to see a psyhic last week who told me I'd soon be coming in to money.

Last night I shagged a girl named Penny. Spooky aye!:facepalm:

[Patrick]

Uncle Phil is a crap ventrilloquist. He sticks his fingers up my arse and tells me not to say anything....

[Spicer]

Im a little mouse named keith...i circumcise men with my teeth...i don't do it for leisure...or sexual pleasure.But just for the cheese underneath!

[crazyhorse]

Calories are the little shits that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter!



MY WARDROBE IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE BLIGHTERS!!!

[Spicer]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was f------g skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Whatever we paid ngai tahu for the south island should be refunded-its faulty!

McDonalds have come out with a new burger,its called McCnristchurch,it comes with a free shake!

1 day little johnny heard a noise and peaks into his parents room to check out the noise he finds his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind her.His dad sees johnny and winks at him.After dad finishes he goes to check on johnny.He finds grandma bent over the dresser and johnny going at it from behind.Dad screams "what the fuck are you doing"? Johnny replys and winks,:Not so fucking funny when its your mum is it"?



Little johnny was walking to school,car pulls up and man says 'hay little boy if you come in my car ill give you a lollie' little johnny says 'if i come in your mouth will you give me the bag'?

[crazyhorse]

I went to an attractive female doctor for a check up. She told me I had to quit masterbating.

I asked why? She said, because I'm trying to examine you!

[Goblin]

Ever noticed how a woman drives her car every day and never washes it, yet she washes her vagina every day but never uses it?:blink:

[MSTRS]

If I take the car keys away, will she start washing the car?

[Goblin]

Nah, that's your job.:innocent:

[crazyhorse]

Felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and said "fuck me!"

What happened next will haunt me forever!

[Spicer]

A boy writes a letter to santa asking for a brother, he gets a reply back 'send me your mother'

You know that every woman has a little maori in her in her pants, curly hair. fat lips, goes on strike once a month and only works when it wants to.

[crazyhorse]

So, there was Paddy lying back on the sofa having a lovely wank.

And those stuck-up pricks from Harvy Norman called the cops...............

[Smifffy]

We got out our xmas stuff last night and found a parcel from last year. U Shouldv'e seen the kids faces when they opened it!! poor kitten!!!!

[Spicer]

I went to the doctors today and he told me i'm a paranoid racist-well he didn't actually say that,but i knew what the black cunt was thinking!

My wife kicked me out because she caught me measuring my cock.It just reaches the back of her sisters throat

Last christmas my girlfriend bought me a penis extension.It was then that i knew that how shallow she really was.

[crazyhorse]

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as: "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked my 13 year old Escort"

[MSTRS]

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do...then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30


Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.


I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.

[Spicer]

S-L-A-P! ure now my bitch.The national pimp off has begun! Pimp others before they pimp you! You can pimp anyone except ure pimp. Ure mine so start pimping.

Man joins the Navy.After a while he asks shipmates 'wot do u do 4 sex around here?' He's shown a wooden barrel with a hole in.Not impressed he tries it anyway and loves it.so tries again the next day and the next. "Can i do this everyday?" ":Not wednesdays" "Why?" "Wednesday is your day in the barrel!

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom using a sheeps bladder.However in 1873 the kiwis somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

Similarities of BRA and BAR both have same letters both are drinking zones both have restricted time of opening and closing and when both are open men go crazy

[Genie]

TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!!

[crazyhorse]

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention, you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

BE CAREFUL THIS XMAS!!

[Spicer]

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! APPARENTLY U TOLD SANTA U WERE GOOD IN BED AND HE DIED LAUGHING.THANKS ALOT ARSEHOLE!

This xmas,lets put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our fuckin arse.

The mating call of a kea? keeaa! keeaa! The mating call of an owl? hooo! hooo!! The mating call of a blackbird? 'Go on Rangi give it to me up the arse'

[crazyhorse]

Nothin worse than after having sex, looking down and seeing that soggy used condom hanging from your cock.......particularly if you weren't wearing one when you started! :shit:

[Spicer]

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station? Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.



A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,but he can't hear him.So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning 'I' pointed to his knee meaning "need",then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.The man on the ground floor nods his head,pulls down his pants,whips out his cock and starts masturbating.The worker on the 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!." The other guy says. "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[JakeTehMuss]

Was shagging a bird the other night, she said "don't put it in my arse!"
I had to explain it's traditional for the person with the knife 2 make those decisions.

[crazyhorse]

Watching my wife give birth reminded me of my favourite pub burning down. You had some good times there, but it will never be the same again :bleh:

[Spicer]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.




I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name



A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend !!

[zealchick]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
:msn-wink:

[one fast tl1ooo]

bloke says to chick in pub " jeez i'd give you one! " she says " I wouldn't have sex with you!. He says " woah steady on ya fat pig. I was giving you a score out of 10

[MSTRS]

Burt Munro's record finally surpassed!!!
World's fastest Indian now from Huntly to Fiji.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Indian weddings are done by a celebrant. Divorces by accelerant

[Hiflyer]

Indian weddings are done by a celebrant. Divorces by accelerant

oooohh too soon? :mellow:

[bogan]

oooohh too soon? :mellow:

yeh, though I can see the humour, tis not one thats gonna get retexted or facebooked.

[MSTRS]

Last week me and a Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.

[crazyhorse]

When Fiji Police talked to the Indian about his wifes death, he said she was once a hot chick and he was merely trying to rekindle the spark and ignite the old flame

[1 Free Man]

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs??

Because their balls fall over their butt holes

and they vapor lock.

[Highlander]

What is the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on. :facepalm:

[1 Free Man]

Why are men smarter during sex??

Because they are plugged into a genius.

(woman's joke)

[1 Free Man]

I am sick of double standards.
My girlfriend buys a "Rampant Rabbit with attachments
and she's and she's seen as a naughty fun girl with a special
new toy.
But when I order a "Deluxe Fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy
with realistic elasticated anus, with imitation shit dribble,
semen collection tray, and built in sadistic rape sound system,
Then that supposedly makes me some kind of Pervert.!!!

[crazyhorse]

I hereby request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or publich holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr P. Niss.

RESPONSE:

After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely
Ms V. Gina.

(and yes, this was a text LOL)

[firefighter]

I hereby request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or publich holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr P. Niss.

RESPONSE:

After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely
Ms V. Gina.[/SIZE]

You've been to my work?! :killingme

[bogan]

You've been to my work?! :killingme

You both work with the same Ms V Gina? :gob:

[crazyhorse]

I was having my cock sucked when my wife asked me to let her know when I was coming. I thought to myself 'do I text her back or should I ring her?'

[MSTRS]

I was having a wank the other day, when this woman peered at me through the window, and mouthed the words 'Get the fuck off my patio'

[crazyhorse]

I was walking down the street just now and I saw a nigger carrying a tv. I thought, that looks like mine..... Then I remembered, mine was at home shining my shoes

[Swoop]

I have duja ve.

It's the feeling you've been dyslexic before.

[crazyhorse]

You can prove a dog is mans best friend, I did.

I locked my dog and the missus in the boot of my car for 2 hours and fuck me!

Guess who was still happy to see me ............ :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them!!!

[MSTRS]

Experts tell us that the best way to make the perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I tell her "2 sugars, fat arse!"

[crazyhorse]

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She's devastated, & kept asking "why didn't they want me?"

I comforted her and after a while still crying, she asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her up the arse and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive:blink:

[crazyhorse]

Someone just knocked on the door selliing raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said "Fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one!"

[saxet]

A sexy blonde asked if I prefer legs or breasts.

I replied that I'm more into shaved pussy.

Seems this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.

[crazyhorse]

i found my dyslexic mate covering his willy with boot polish in the early hours of Sunday morning. I said 'you idiot, you're supposed to turn your clock back!'

[YellowDog]

i found my dyslexic mate covering his willy with boot polish in the early hours of Sunday morning. I said 'you idiot, you're supposed to turn your clock back!'

Perhaps he was trying to get into the Kiwi Badminton team :yes:

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10345531

[JakeTehMuss]

******
The Missus is pissed off with me again.
Last night when she was asleep I swapped her tampon for a party popper. Yup you guessed it no fucking sense of humour!
******
In the not too distant future, Youtube, Twitter & Facebook will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super time wasting website called...
'YouTwitFace'
******
Rumour has it you got mugged last night and the robber gave you 2 options.

1. lick his balls or
2. Give him your phone.

Still have your phone I see

[crazyhorse]

Missus thought she was funny when she said my cock resembled a Tic Tac. i asked her, if that really is the case, how come your sister still has bad breath?

[one fast tl1ooo]

My wift has been missing a week now. police have told me to prepare for the worst,
So I went back to the charity shop to get all her fucken clothes back.

[crazyhorse]

A jehovah witness knocked on my door this morning. I said come in and sit down. What do you want to talk about? He said: "fucked if I know, I've never got this far before!"

[crazyhorse]

Two mates having a drink. One says "if I went to your house while you were at work, got a blowie off yr wife, sucked her tits, then fucked her in the arse and pussy, and she got pregnant, would that make us related?"

Mate replies: 'dunno about related, but it would definitely make us even!'

[Banditbandit]

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house has been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

[crazyhorse]

Hugh Hefner has been rushed to hospital! He is awaiting the birth of his next wife .......

[JakeTehMuss]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot Slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son!"

Robot slaps The mum!

[crazyhorse]

I poked some grapes up my girlfriends arse during kinky sex, she didn't scream or anything, just gave out a little wine

[crazyhorse]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3
hours later, saw the same 4 men with the same coffin & I thought to myself, they've lost the fuckin plot!

[one fast tl1ooo]

I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night, and i said "you remind me of my little toe" She said " is that because i am small and cute, "NO I replied because i will probably end up banging you on my coffee table

[crazyhorse]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers............. so I did......... she's 21 & her name's Lucy..........

[Usarka]

I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

[MSTRS]

...or hot, black and wet?

[mikeey01]

I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the fucking carrots and potatoes,
so asked the kids if they'd seen it.

They told me she left me yesterday!

[crazyhorse]

Got me a nice camera for sale if u interested?

Funny story how I came by it. Got stopped in town today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Big Wave" and they all ran like fuck! :rofl:

[mikeey01]

So I hear thailand has its first female prime minister.

Or has it... ?

[ynot slow]

Walked into chemist today,said "just the condoms please",chemist asked if I wanted a bag,and my reply was "she's not that ugly to need one":facepalm:

[Laava]

Afta hvn grt 69 w his g/f Brian rmembrd he hd appt at dentist.He ws afrd the dntst wd ntce the smll of fanny on his brth so he brshd his teeth, usd dntl flss & a bttl lstrne. As he arrvd at the dntst he 8 a pkt xtra strng mints. His trn cam and the dntst tld him 2 tke a seat. Flng confdnt & rlxd he opnd his mth wde. Dntst gt clse & sd "Did u jst hve 69?" OMG hw did u knw? Does my brth smll lke fanny?
No, u hve a skidmark on yr forehead!

[Vacquer0]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir".
Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[NOD]

Q. What animal has a cunt half way up it's back
A An Austrialian police horse

[mikeey01]

Midget women goes to the doctors @ says doc I've got a itchy fanny, doc lifts up her skirt, gets sum sissors & goes snip snip, he says is that better?
The midget says a bit better but its still itchy doc, so the doc lifts her skirt up again, snip snip snip, is that better the doc says, yes the midget replies, fantastic, what did u do doctor, the doc replies cut the fur off the top of ur ugg boots.

[Vacquer0]

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has made a startling discovery in
finding the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass deposits. The location of Governmentium deposits is found in
every state capital. with a mother lode in Washington, D.C.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

[mikeey01]

I was at the airport & a guy came up to me & said “Lost something mate”
I said “Yes my wife!”
He said “Me too!”
I said “What does she look like?”
He said “Redhead, long tanned legs up to her neck, wearing a mini, no knickers, no bra, big tits & a see thru top! What's your look like?"
I said “Who gives a fuck lets look for yours!”

[crazyhorse]

Took my inflatable doll back to the shop today because it seemed to have developed feelings and started crying after we had sex. The lady said it hadn't developed feelings, it just needed emptying

[Smokin]

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.

[Hinny]

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]-->Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

[KiWiP]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

This is what Bill Cinton sees every night just as he drops off to sleep
http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNQs1Tu_JdUIMDXrqC2psjSZ3asjl9u hL3yu69p741L0dq1Wt1

[Hinny]

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]-->Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

[MSTRS]

News Flash: Amy Winehouse has been sober for 48 hours.

[nzmikey]

Mc Donalds have a new combo called the amy winehouse.its just coke and ice

[Jase H]

Rupert Murdoch has released a statement saying how touched he was by the messages of sympathy left on Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

[crazyhorse]

Went to weight watchers last night, opened a pack of maltesers and threw them on the floor.....

Have to admit, it was the best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen!

[<G>]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the mike on his foot & said "F**k me".

What happened next will haunt me forever...


************************************************** *

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go
to".

[MSTRS]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[nzmikey]

I was pulled over at midnight last night by a cop
he asked me where i was going at this hour .
I said i was off to a lecture about the effects of drugs & alcohol on the human body.
Bullshit ,who gives lectures at this hour ?? he said
My wife , i replied.
:drinkup:

[Smifffy]

Just ordered my adidas all blacks jersey online. Got a great deal from a lad in tottenham. A little smoke damaged apparently but should clean up ok. :)

[crazyhorse]

Arab terrorists have gone on the rampage in South Auckland killing anyone that looks like a Kiwi.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5!!!!

[MSTRS]

Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have".

[MSTRS]

I came home from the pub last night and said to the wife "Lets play rape".

She looked up and replied "No, I don't want to."

I smiled, undid my belt and said "That's the spirit!"

[crazyhorse]

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home!

[Pseudonym]

Bad news everybody, Justin Bieber has been found alive in his apartment.

[Smifffy]

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home!

Wonder what they get up to next door...

[crazyhorse]

Wonder what they get up to next door...

exactly :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM

WWW.GAYGEAR.COM.


In relation to the red anal vibrator you ordered on page 16 of our catalogue, please could you select another item, as this is our fire extinguisher :shit:

[MSTRS]

A recent survey showed that 1 out of 3 women is just as stupid as the other 2. :chase:

[Pseudonym]

I was sitting behind this driver that was all over the road and doing 10k under the speed limit.
Finally I had enough and yelled at him “Learn to fucking drive, and while you’re at it you can fuck off back to your own country!”
Can’t believe he chucked me out of his taxi…

[1 Free Man]

little Patrick asked 4 bike 4 his birthday.his dad says "We'd get u 1 but our mortgage is 80 thousand and your mum has lost her job."
next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks " where U going son?"
Patrick replied " I walked past your room last nite and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard Mum tell U to wait coz she was coming too. I'm not staying here on me own with an 80 thousand dollar mortgage and no Fucking bike.!!"
*************************************************

Bungy jumping is like getting a blow job from ya Granny,
It feels good but for Christ sake don't look down!!
*************************************************

Q. why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A. They don't stop to ask directions.
*************************************************

A little guy is sitting in a bar when suddenly a thug smacks him in the face and says "that's KUNG FU from japan".
A bit later on the thug smacks him again and says " That's KARATE from Korea".
The little guy gets up and leaves the bar.
A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman
" When that cunt wakes up tell him it was a fucking SHOVEL from Placemakers".
*************************************************

My Girlfriend calls my dick "the firework."
She keeps it at arms length because
it went off in her face last time and it only lasted for a couple of seconds .
*************************************************

Just started a jo in a music store.
A black dude walked in and asked
"Got anything by the DOORS?"
I said " Yes 2 camera's and an alarm, NOW FUCK OFF!!!"
************************************************

FRIEND'S ARE LIKE KNICKERS.
* Some crawl up your arse.
* Some are full of shit.
* Some snap under pressure.
* Some don't have the strength to hold you up.
* Some get a little twisted.
* Some are your favourites
* some are holy
* some are cheap.
* some are just plain nasty
* and some actually cover your arse when you need them.
************************************************

A nun is sitting on a train next to a nigger who is eating a tub of prawns.
Every time he eats one he spits the head at the nun who ignores him and throws it out the window.
Eventually she get's pissed off and pull's the emergency cord.
The nigger looks at her and say's "you'll get fined $50 for that you stupid bitch" and laughs.
The nun laughs back and says,
"When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you black cunt!!"
************************************************

I was watching the tv last nite. Saw an Ethiopian with flys all around him.
Though i need to take one of those with me camping,
Better than a bug zapper!!.
************************************************

The wife rang me screaming
"You've given me crabs you bastard, how could you?"
I said "Hang on, before you blame me talk to your sister!!"
************************************************
Another great day!
Been to the gym
had a nice hot shower and
I have just picked up a bottle of home brew off the neighbour for this afternoon.
I've got a few joints rolled up for the X Box tournament with the lads,
after which I will muck about online on some porn and gambling sites
Then it's a nice blowjob before I head off to bed.
FUCK I LOVE PRISON!!
***********************************************

Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison Cobain and now Winehouse
all dead at 27 years old......................
ONLY 10 YEARS TO GO BIEBER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!
***********************************************

Just FOSTERED a Muslim kid.
all 4 can's got him on the back of his head.
***********************************************

Don't understand the point of lap dance clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take my money and sexually frustrate me,
I'd Fucking stay at home!!,
************************************************

[MSTRS]

I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said "Two girls are fighting over me" "Okay" she paused "well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning!"

[crazyhorse]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

[MSTRS]

Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...

[crazyhorse]

Feeling kinky, the wife said to me "If you turn off the bedside lamp, I'll take it up the arse."

I suppose I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.........

[KiWiP]

A man goes into an Airfix shop and asks if they have a model of an Italian cruise liner.
'Yes' says the assistant, 'Just one left'.
'Will you put it on one side for me, please?'

[Spicer]

Teacher says to class "children we are all descendants of adam and eve," A student replies 'but miss my mum and dad said we come from the apes." Teacher reponds, "stay out of this rangi,im not talking about your lot"!

My wife told me she slept with my maori mate.So i kicked her out of the house...NOBODY accuses me of having a maori mate!

Found a maori boy stuffed in my letter box this morning..I think some cunt is blackmailing me!

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance rent my room out throw all my clothes out,of the window,take my tv...i phone and jewellery to the charity shop.Sell my car take my front door keys and throw me out of the house and cut me out of your will." Well she didn't actually put it like that.She said "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Rangi"

[Spicer]

What's a burnt pizza,frozen beer,and a pregant girl have in common?? In each scenario,there's a dumb cunt who didn't take it out in time...

Karma Sutra position No. 52. "The Pirate" When going at it doggy style,just as you are about to cum,pull out and spit on her back so she thinks your'e cum.When she turns around unleash a blast right in her face to stun and amaze her!
known as the pirate because she'll put her hand over her eye and say aarghhhh.


2 cavemen walking along dragging their woman by the hair.One says 2 the other "I'm guna teach mine 2 talk wot harm could that do"



Doctor asks pregant prostitute "Do u know who the father is?" She replies. "For fucksake.if u ate a tin of beans.would u know which one make u fart!?"


Micky & Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.The jude says "U say here that ure wife is crazy?" "NO" replies Micky. "I said she was fucking goofy!"

[tigertim20]

What's a burnt pizza,frozen beer,and a pregant girl have in common?? In each scenario,there's a dumb cunt who didn't take it out in time...

Karma Sutra position No. 52. "The Pirate" When going at it doggy style,just as you are about to cum,pull out and spit on her back so she thinks your'e cum.When she turns around unleash a blast right in her face to stun and amaze her!
known as the pirate because she'll put her hand over her eye and say aarghhhh.
You're also supposed to give her a solid kick in the shin so she hops around one legged too...

2 cavemen walking along dragging their woman by the hair.One says 2 the other "I'm guna teach mine 2 talk wot harm could that do"

yeah, if you drag them by the ankle, they fill up with sand...


..........

[MSTRS]

Just saw a bloke driving while eating ice cream. Fucking sundae drivers.
--

Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff competition though!!
--

I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway.

--
For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.

[Spicer]

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced. . ."all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living"!
The poor fuckin barman was nearly crushed to death.!


A report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems!
Looking at 40% of women over 40,it's not fucking difficult too see why....!


A STORY WITH A MORAL:

My girlfriend told me 2 call over 2 her house one day. When i arrived,i found her unbelievably sexy sister alone.
She whispered in my ear,"im very horny,fuck me now"
I turned around & walked out of the front door and towards my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there & she hugged me & said.U have won my trust:
MORAL:
It's always better to keep the CONDOMS in the car & not in your pocket.

Ahmad and Habib are both beggars in Bankstown.
Habib begs just as long as Ahmad but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
Ahmad brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes,drives a Mercedes,owns a block of units and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Ahmad "I beg just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?"
Ahmad says,"Look at your sign,what does it say?"
Habib's sgn reads "I have no work a wife and 6 kids to support."
Ahmad says "No wonder you only get $2-$3 a day,my sign says "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon."

[MSTRS]

When in India recently I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself 'What a brilliant idea... why don't we have them here?'

[munster]

Ended up in jail the other day and spent an hour getting bum fucked.

Sometimes I think my Uncle takes Monopoly far to seriously!

[Spicer]

For Fucks sake what a mess on this Valintines day.I got the cards mixed up,.now the girlfriend thinks i love her and the wife thinks i want to fuck her...

Before sex you help each other get naked,after sex you only dress yourself.
MORAL OF THE STORY;
In life no one helps you once your'e fucked.

What did one vagina lip say too the other lip?
We use to be so tight but you always let some dick cum between us.

Sometimes as a man you just can't win.
I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday when she said
"Will you fuck off,i'm trying to have a shit."

Sitting next 2 a really sexy Thai bird on the bus this morning and i thought to myself
"Please don't get an erection,please don't get an erection"...buy she did.

I was enjoying a bit of anal with the wife when she turned 2 me and said
"Hmm mmm mmhmphmm mm hmmph!"
And i thought 2 myself
Don't you just love duct tape"?

People are so easy to read,like if their face is blue theyr/e cold,if it's red theyr'e embarrassed,if it's brown theyr'e about to commit a crime.

Roses are red,daffodils are golden,always have sex in the back of a holden.
If you don't like it,or if you get bored,turn homosexual and root in a ford.

Picked up this bird in the pub last night,told her i was gonna root her in the kitchen,living room,bathroom and in the bedroom.
She was keen for it saying "wow ,you must sure have some stamina" She seemed disappointed when we got back to my caravan.

[munster]

Premature ejaculator seeks blonde woman with big tits, a shaved pussy and . . uh . . oh, never mind!

[MSTRS]

I heard a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

[JakeTehMuss]

Try this puzzle
This maths sequence can predict your favourate film...
Mine was Jaws. Not sure how it works but it does!!

Try it !

Pick a number between 1-9

Multiply by 3

Add 3 to that number

Multiply again by 3

Add the two digits together

3. Oliver twist

4. Starwars

5. Forrest Gump

6. Saving Private Ryan

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather clad,oiled up,cock craving gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins

[crazyhorse]

I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said 'make an appointment for Monday morning' and he carried on pushing his trolley around Countdown!

[Spicer]

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right,but i'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.


I found my nan dead in bed 2day.I was gutted.I put my arms around her and held her,tears running down my face...As i held her i noticed she was naked in her bed!
I got kind of turned on and ended up fucking her....just as i was about 2 cum in her arse she shouted BOO!!!...what sort of sick twisted cunt pretends 2 be dead? 4 fuck sake.


Vodafone security division has been monitoring your phone and would like to kindly remind you that the vibrating unit is not for anal use. So stop!


Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like africa virgin and unexplored
between 19 and 35 shes like asia hot an exotic
between 35 and 45 she is like america fully explored breathtakenly beautfull and free with her resourses
between 46 and 56 she is like europe exhausted but still has points of interest after 56 she is like australia everybody knows its down there but who gives a dam

[MSTRS]

Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days

[slofox]

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right,but i'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.


I found my nan dead in bed 2day.I was gutted.I put my arms around her and held her,tears running down my face...As i held her i noticed she was naked in her bed!
I got kind of turned on and ended up fucking her....just as i was about 2 cum in her arse she shouted BOO!!!...what sort of sick twisted cunt pretends 2 be dead? 4 fuck sake.


Vodafone security division has been monitoring your phone and would like to kindly remind you that the vibrating unit is not for anal use. So stop!


Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like africa virgin and unexplored
between 19 and 35 shes like asia hot an exotic
between 35 and 45 she is like america fully explored breathtakenly beautfull and free with her resourses
between 46 and 56 she is like europe exhausted but still has points of interest after 56 she is like australia everybody knows its down there but who gives a dam

That is an epic post!

[munster]

My girlfriend gave me a new watch the other day, I said "awesome, it reminds me of your vagina"

"Why's that" she giggled "becuase it's exclusive & sexy"

"No" I replied "becuase it's a bit loose on my wrist"

[GSW]

My wife told me to see things from a woman's point of view... so I looked out the kitchen window.

[Virgil]

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That should piss off just about everybody.

[newhere]

Larry Is In The Hospital . .. . .......
.
Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
... "A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Wellington Hospital Intensive Care Unit, Room 233 :laugh::lol::killingme

[GSW]

Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days.

[MSTRS]

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

[Spicer]

Why do peoplle say grow some balls when they are soft and sensitive.
How about grow a pussy those things can take a pounding.


My wife just caught me blow drying my cock and asked me what i was doing....apparently
HEATING YOUR DINNER was not the right answer!"

[GSW]

I went up to a girl in the night club last night "Excuse me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin. "Why are you hoping to get laid?" she winked back. "No, it's just with that much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".

[GSW]

-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
- Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help 'groups'?
-Is there another word for 'synonym'?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can't push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die'.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

[munster]

Just found my wife's G-Spot.

Who knew her sister had it all along?

[crazyhorse]

Husband finishes reading the book "Be the man of your house', and says to the wife:

'From now on, my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal 2nite with a sumptuos dessert.
Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry
then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?'

Wife says "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!"

[Spicer]

My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier,"Look what i've found in the cupboard,crotchless panties," she said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat cunt it was one of my singlets.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

[crazyhorse]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Twink. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[crazyhorse]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

[MSTRS]

A recent survey has shown that 97.3% of men have no idea of how to turn the dishwasher on. I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually works a treat.

[The Singing Chef]

-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle...

...-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I doubt somebody texted that to you? I like it nevertheless.

[crazyhorse]

Mick walks into paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and wanking in front of a tractor. Mick says 'fucking hell Paddy, what ya doing'

Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor :rofl:

[JakeTehMuss]

I was trying to remember who Rihanna's ex was, then it hit me.

[crazyhorse]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[Spicer]

A zookeeper gets raped by an elephant, and gets rushed to hospital for treatment. The doctor examines him and asks why his arse has been stretched out 11 inches,when an elephant's penis is only 5 inches wide...Weeping.the man repiles "Because the filthy bastard fingered me first!"

I was walking in London when it suddenly started raining,so i took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop.
I paid 50p and was confronted by 3 doors,reading;Blonde,Brunette or Black.I chose Blonde,only to be confronted by more doors,reading;Small Tits,Medium Tits,or Big Tits.I chose Big Tits,only to be cofronted by yet more doors! They read;Small Cunt,Large Cunt,or Wet Cunt.I chose Wet Cunt......And found myself back outside in the fucking rain!

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers trying to spice up her dead sex life.She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the couch across from her hubby,At a strategic moment she crosses her legs.He asks "are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Yes" she says seductively. "thank fuck for that " he says "i thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line.
I nearly shit her pants!

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.They both had strange accents so i said "Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed "Its WALES you fucking idiot!"
So i immediately apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"

[MSTRS]

I don't see why black parents always name their children after such positive adjectives for them to live up to such as Destiny and Precious... surely names such as Nick and Rob are a bit more fitting.