Share your txt jokes [Archive] - Page 4

Spicer

27th May 2012, 19:35

Man goes to doctors for cock extension.Doc suggets baby elephants trunk stitched on for $3000.
Man agrees.6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks "this is the night!"
while chatting over dinner his cock flys out,steals an apple off the table & goes back."Wow!" she says,"can you do that again?"
he says "My cock can but i don't think my arse can take another apple."

Rocky the rooster was the meanest,biggest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the shit out of all the animals on the farm,.One day he picked on the farmyard cat,unfortunately the cat beat the shit out of him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
No matter how big the cock is,the pussy can always take it.

I was invited to a threesome last night,had two no shows but still had a good time!

Teacher tells class,make a sentence ending in the word dough.
Little Jane says,"In Italy they make pizza using special dough' very good says teacher.
Mary says "My baby brother makes dinosaurs with play dought" excellent says teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand "My mummy says dad is such a lousy root she has to use a dill dough."

Two gays are shagging in an alley when a policeman arrives.One runs off,but the policeman grabs the other.
"You dirty,fucking bastards.If I'd caught your mate,this batten would've gone up his arse!"
A voice shouts "Yoo hoo,I'm in the wheelie bin....!!!

A young korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"Thats disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog."the guy claims.
"Don't blame the fucking dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.
The i-tit will cost $399 and is regared as a majoe breakthrough as woman are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!

A boob,a vigina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the 3 of them!
...BOOB :-" I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex,that's why i am the greatest!

VAGINA:-"That's nothing.i give birth to new borns and can accommodate the opposite sex,that's why i am the greatest!"...
Why
are you scrolling
down?? It's your turn to speak..

Two families move from Afghanistan to Australia.When they arrive the two fathers make a bet.In a years time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A year later they meet again.The first man says "Gday mate,my sons play footy,i had a pie for lunch and i'm on my way to pick up a slab of VB.How about you?
The second man reples "Fuck off ya rag head cunt"...

A kiwi bloke gets a job in a maternity unit and was asked to bath a wee Maori baby.The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby around the bath with a stick."You don't bath a baby using a stick",said the nurse.He replied."You do when the waters this fucking hot!"

A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically,Dad says "That's a hard but i have an idea.Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for $1million".Mum says "Yes," Dad days,"Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for $2million." Sister says "Yes" "Well there you go son that's your answer,Theoretically we're sitting on $3million but realistically we;re living with 2 sluts."

Spicer

27th May 2012, 19:58

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
"When i got to the door.i couldn't jump.So the 6ft7 black instructor unzips his fly and drops out his 12inch dick and says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your arse!"
Mick asks "Did you jump," Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in."

nathanwhite

3rd June 2012, 11:48

I asked my north Korean friend how he was doing.

He said, 'oh you know, can't complain'

MSTRS

5th June 2012, 14:48

Irish divers were amazed to find that after 100 years lying on the sea bed, the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

Jason Isaacs

7th June 2012, 21:06

Father: In this term you have to get at least 90%
Son: I will get 100%
Father: Are you kidding?
Son: Who started first?

biker baz

13th June 2012, 00:18

There is Hot Sex, Fast Sex, Oral Sex, Fruit Sex, Safe Sex, Leather Sex, Phone Sex, Group Sex, Kinky Sex.

And for people with a face like yours there's wanking.

Helping ugly people have sex for centuries.

biker baz

13th June 2012, 01:26

Why do women wear knickers at work??

Because workplace Health and Safety require that all manholes must be covered when not in use.......

A life support system for a vagina

munster

13th June 2012, 06:48

Organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

munster

13th June 2012, 06:50

I went for a testicle check up the other day and as the pretty Thai nurse was holding, cupping & squeezing my balls she said "Don't be embarressed Sir, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during a procedure such as this"

I replied "I don't have an erection"

She said "No, but I do!"

mikeey01

14th June 2012, 22:15

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa.

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Everyday
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, dogstyle, any style.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer, asshole too tight and run to fast.

Swoop

15th June 2012, 13:25

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

<G>

19th June 2012, 21:15

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps The mum!

MSTRS

8th July 2012, 10:59

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

<G>

15th July 2012, 12:59

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!".

XxKiTtiExX

16th July 2012, 09:30

Ewen Mcdonald starts a new job as a butcher on Monday.. He will specialize in home kill.

caspernz

16th July 2012, 19:03

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist of course! He shouldn't be riding in the kitchen :brick:

caspernz

16th July 2012, 19:05

A fella says to his drinking buddy: "My wife is the double of Kate Moss."

His mate quizzes this: "Nah, really?"

Fella: "Yeah bro, Kate Moss is eight stone and my wife sixteen stone." :clap:

caspernz

16th July 2012, 19:08

Q: What's the difference between a banker and a vampire?

A: A vampire sucks blood at night.

Jase H

17th July 2012, 13:24

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10820189

So John Kirwan is the new coach at the Blues.

Well, after this season's performance, they need someone who can handle depression...

Spicer

21st July 2012, 21:49

I thought i spotted a superhero earlier today when i saw a Maori running down the street wearing a cape.It turns out the black cunt had'nt paid for his haircut!

Spicer

22nd July 2012, 20:02

I was in australia with the wife recently,when she was stung on the minge by a hornet.I phoned the local doctor,who was a bit of a laid back,surfer type,"Doc,please help me" "Hey,what's up man?""My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks doc, bye"

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend.There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large;breakdancing,moonwalking,back flips,the works.My wife turned to me and said,"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and i turned him down."
I said "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his smarties.As his mum watched,he put a smartie in his mouth licked the cat and moved down a step,he then put another smartie in his mouth,licked the cat again moved down another step.His mum puzzled at his actions,asked "What are doing?" He said "I'm getting some practice in for when i'm older.'How's that?" "I'm popping pills,licking pussy and moving on."

An 11 year old girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.Her mom calmly said-"That part where hair has grown is called monkey,be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled.At dinner,she told her sister-"My monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-"Thats nothing,mine is already eating bananas." Mom fainted.

curly

29th July 2012, 01:19

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

Spicer

12th August 2012, 19:11

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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My budgie broke his leg today, so i made the poor little thing a splint made out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up!!

So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper.
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A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

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A bloke catches a woman giving him the eye in the Supermarket. "Do I know you?" he says. She asks him "Aren't you the father of one of my children ?"
He quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds "Were you the hooker I had over the pool table while your mate spanked me with a wet piece of Celery while shoving a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replied "I'm your daughters teacher."

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I just broke the UK record for holding your breath underwater 8mins 30 secs

It started at the swimming baths when I heard a girl say "thats him dad"
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Mother catches son fingering his little sister...

Mother says, 'Holy Fuck! You'd better tell me something that makes this alright!'

Son says, 'I've found Dads wedding ring...'
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Rodney Dangerfield
"My parents sent me to a child pschyiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all."

munster

24th August 2012, 08:59

I don't give my woman an orgasm very often, but when I do she spits it out!

angelindisguise

24th August 2012, 18:56

TEXT JOKE:

( Cant be bothered going through 53 pages of jokes to see if this one's in...)

An innocent Irish girl says "my hands are freezing". Her mum replies "put them between your legs that'll warm them up" so she does. Next day she's with her boyfriend. He says "my hands are freezing" so she says " put them between my legs i'll warm them up!" Then he says "my penis is frozen." Later the girl asks her mum "have you ever heard of a penis?" Mum says "yes, why?" Girl says "dont they make a terrible mess when they defrost"

MSTRS

27th August 2012, 17:16

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout "Allah is a bastard" and then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

slofox

27th August 2012, 18:10

Saw a sign in the supermarket. It said "Fundraiser Garage Sale for two young girls."

I thought "Fuck me - if they're any good, I'll take 'em both!"

YellowDog

31st August 2012, 21:06

The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford new batteries!

Spicer

16th September 2012, 15:51

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception says,"Sorry sir,we dont let black people play here.There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help."
"But i'm Usain Bolt!" he says. "Alright then,clever cunt,3 minutes down the road,now fuck off!"

After suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough,once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better,so i thought fuck it,soldier on..!

Aman is walking behind his wife and says,"Baby you are so fat now your arse looks like a washing machine,"She keeps quiet and keeps walking.Bed time,the husband is asking for sex.She says,"I cant start the washing machine for such a small load you'll have to hand wash!"

There's only one thing worse than shitting the bed: And that's having to smear it around your girlfriends arse so she thinks that it's her fault.

Spicer

16th September 2012, 19:26

The creation of a pussy.
Seven wise men,with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design,First was a butcher,smart with wit,using a knife he gave it a slit,second was a carpenter,strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel,he gave it a hole,Third was a taylor,tall and thin,using red velvet,he lined it within,Fourth was a hunter short and stout,with fur from a fox,he lined it without,Fifth was a fisherman,nasty as hell,threw in a fish and gave it a smell,Sixth was a preacher,whose name was mcgee,touched it and blessed it and said it could pee,Last was a sailor,a dirty little runt,sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt,Then god came along,dumb as a barge,stuffed it completely,put a woman in charge!

Paddy goes to America for the first time,walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.He shouts up,I'm Paddy ONeill,Irish rugby player,jump i'll catch you.A girl jumps out and paddy catches her,a guy jumps and paddy gets hin to.Then a black guy jumps and paddy lets him hit the ground,then shouts up,come on folks,dont fuck about there's no point sending the burnt ones out...

Spicer

7th October 2012, 18:42

A pretty primary school teacher is concerned about one of her pupil's,so she take's him aside after class and says "Jack,I'm concerned about your work,you seem distracted." Blushing,jack says "I'm in love Miss" Smiling,the teacher says "Who with?" Jack says,"You,Miss.The teacher says "But jack,don't you see how silly this is? I't's true,i want a husband one day but i don't want a child." Jack says "Don't worry Miss,i'll pull out and cum on your tits!

And God promised man that good and obedient women would be found in all corners of the world.Then he made the world round.And he laughed and laughed and laughed.

Question:Are there too many immigrants in a America. 17% said yes,11% said no,72% said.I am not understanding the question.

I don't understand women.Last night my missus had me sucking her toes,tonguing her arse,and then practically begged me to lick her fanny....then this morning i take a swig of milk from the carton and get bollocked....because apparently THAT'S disgusting!

I thought my new girlfriend might be,"the one"....but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,a french maids unlform and a police woman's uniform i've dumped her,she obviously can't hold down a job.

He was in ecstasy,with a smile on his face,As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....forwards then backwards.....back and forth..back and forth..In and out..in and out..Her heart was pounding faster,her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan.Then she let out one almighty scream!!!! "I can't park this fuckin car! You do it!"

I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning.Tell you what,that's the last time i'll fall asleep on the bus with my mouth open.

At school my favourite lesson was P.E.Due to the fact i had the biggest cock.I used to love strolling around the changing room naked,flicking the weaker kids with the tip of my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs...................looking back i think that's why i was sacked.

Billy,age 6,was watching tv.He comes downstairs and asks,'Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet.Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.Da asks,"So what were you watching?" Billy replies,"Wimbledon!"

Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine,inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair smells nice." After a week of this she went to see personnel and put a sexual harassment complaint in against him.The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?" She said "Its Keith the fucking dwarf!"

Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives.Paddy boasts,"The wife and me fuck like rabbits every night," "You lucky bastard" replies Mick,"I only get it once a month and i call it The Bruce Lee Night." "Why the fuck do you call it that?" asks Paddy.Mick replies "Because it's the night i enter the Fuckin Dragon."

A guy asks his new girlfriend for a hand job."I've never done that," she says,"What go i do?" "Well remember when you were a kid and you shake a coke bottle and sprayed your sister with it,that's what you do." She nods,so he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.A minute later he has tears running down his face,snot flowning from his nose and wax flying from his ears.She says,"Whats wrong?" He cries,"TAKE YA FUCKIN THUMB OFF THE END!"

SICKEST JOKE EVER? A man gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.He climbs under the bottom of the duvet,gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she quivers and cums all over his face.He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs! "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE" he yells..."Sshhh!" she says "You'll wake your mother!

Two old age pensioners are having a 69er.After 5 minutes he says,"Sorry,love,the smell's too bad down there-i can't carry on." "That'll be my arthritis,"she says."What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No," she says."It's in my arms and hands...I can't wipe my arse."

I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman,its very rewarding but quite challenging.it took me fuckin ages to get her husbands voice right...

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbelievable.It seemed to take ages,but evenually there she was standing beside me.I gave her a cheeky wink and said."Get the trolley love.They're doing 3 cartons of TUI FOR THE PRICE OF 2.

Tom and Jeff,2 gays,spent all weekend in bed having sex.On Sunday Tom says,"I'm going to the shop,don't you be wanking while i'm away." When he came back,there was cum all over the walls and ceiling.Tom says,"I told you not to wank while i was away." Jeff said "I didn't i farted!"

I've just been shopping at Countdown with the wife,and out of the Blue she says...."You're one lazy useleess bastard" Well i nearly fell out of the trolley!!!

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven...The man says he'll try..God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.."Not bad" says the man,"I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and i caught sight of her long slender legs,I pulled her skirt up,pulled her knickers to one side and fucked her hard and fast from behind." "They dont like that in heaven replies God.The man says,'They're not too fuckin happy about it in Harvey Normans either."

MSTRS

19th October 2012, 09:41

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day. I must say I'm very pleased with the results. Those piranhas don't mess about eh!!

Spicer

19th October 2012, 11:29

My wife told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth,I've gone to work and left the gas on.

Whats the world coming to? I saw a 14 year old maori girl in the pub drinking.
I had to ask myself,who is looking after her kids?

FLUB

19th October 2012, 18:58

Got thrown out of the chemists today. I only asked the woman behind the counter "do you take it up the arse, love, or do you swallow it?" She went fucking mental! Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do with these tablets now.

FLUB

19th October 2012, 19:04

The girlfriend swallowed after after a blow job for the first time in five years last night....... wonder if it's a sign that she's coming out of the coma?

Spicer

28th October 2012, 18:19

An old man and his grandson went into a T.A.B.
The boy asks his grandpa if he could put a bet on.'If you can touch your arse hole with your dick,you can have a bet',says grandpa. '"I cant't" says the boy. "Well,your not old enough then." So the boy goes nevt door,buys a scratch card and wins 50 Grand! His grandpa suggested they split the winnings 50-50."Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy. 'Yes! shouts grandpa. "Well,go fuck yourself then."

Man picks up chinese girl at a party and takes her home.She says,"Me so horny,me do anything for you." He says,"How about a 69? She says,"You fuck off,me not cooking crispy duck in black bean sauce at this time of night."

When you smile the world smiles with you.
When you are down people will rally behind you.
But when you fart you are alone because people will never stand by you!

Smifffy

29th October 2012, 19:38

Ive just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It really surprised me, it just came straight out of the green.

Smifffy

29th October 2012, 19:43

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A Maori cat..
Who??
It's me ow

Spicer

4th November 2012, 17:39

Not every flower can say love,but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst,but a cactus can.
Not every retard can read,but look at you having a go!!!!!! Today is International Nutters Day.
Please send an encouraging message to fucked uped friends, just as I have done.I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or shit yourself.
You hang in there cup cake, you're fucking special, you're my mate!!!! Look at you smiling at your phone!!!!!!

A greek lady tells her mum-"Im divorcing Goeorge, All he wants is anal sex and my arsehole is now the size of a 50c piece, when it used to be a 5c pice." Mum replies-"Dear, you are married to a multi millionare businesman, you live in an 8-bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $5000 a week allowance and you take 6 European holidays a year--you want to throw all that away for 45c.?"

2 couples go away on holiday and the 2 husbands Ben and Carl decide to try and get their wives to wife swap one night..amazingly they agree! Ben knows full well his missus is on the rag, so he thinks he has got one up on Carl. They agree that at breakfast they will tap their spoon on the table for however many times they have shagged the other one's missus..next morning Ben grins and taps the table twice..Carl laughs then taps his spoon once on the jam and 6 times on the nuttella

nathanwhite

12th November 2012, 09:45

I received a chain mail letter this morning stating that if I did not forward it to at least 10 other people, a dead women would appear in my wardrobe.

Guess who's getting laid tonight!

Spicer

15th December 2012, 20:56

Dashing through the snow,in a v8 wonder sled,crashing into trees,because im off my fuckin head.Been smokin billys too,a dozen beers or more,im headin for the red light zone to get myself a whore! Oh jingle bells,jingle bells,Santas smokin weed,Mrs Clause is on the floor,she's overdosed on speed,Blitzens fucked,the elves are too,they're peakin off their heads,and if Rudolph snorts another line,the prick will end up dead!!! MERRY XMAS

Peter Jackson's new flim "Jet Black Maoris", the non racist version of "Snow White" has been put on hold.All 7 dwarfs: Stinky,Mugger,Car Jacker,Drive By,Pusher,Lazy and Wog,have refused to sing "Hi Ho" as they say they have no fucking intentions of "going off to work."

Viagra have just released a new pill called 007. It doesn't make you James Bond but it does make you Roger Moore.

Spicer

16th December 2012, 19:20

NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice wil ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...There you have it!!!
ICE is fuckin lethal.Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice,just drink it straight!!!
Forward this immediately.You could save a life!!!
And don't forget what it did to the fuckin Titanic!!!

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.She was delighted.I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.She was ecstatic.I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fuckin mental.
Women?

3 men die on xmas eve,to get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas" the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle," St Peter lets him pass,the Welshman jingles his keys and says,"They're sleigh bells," St Peter lets him pass,the Irishman pulls out a G-String and a bra,St Peter says,"How the fuck do they represent Xmas?"...Paddy says,'They're Carols."

A woman was in hospital,"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor..."Something is terribly wrong..I keep finding post stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"The doctor has a look,"They aint postal stamps they are banana stickers."

A truck driver goes on a date with a girl,afterwards they go back to her parents place,they were having sex on the couch when he felt the barrell of a gun on his neck.When he turned around her father said "If your a real truck driver you'll back outta there with a full load."

ADULT SCRABBLE.............Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.

PNESI

People who wrote spine became doctors....
The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friends. :)

They say penis size is related to shoe size.That makes being raped by a clown that much scarier.

Spicer

26th December 2012, 13:57

It was christmas eve a couple were doing last minute shopping when the husband disappeared.She phoned him on his mobile,"Where are you?" She asks in a calm voice. "Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago,and you fell in love with that diamond necklace,that we could not afford,and i said one day i would get it for you?" Her eyes filled with tears,"Yes i remember it darling!" "Well i'm in the pub next door to that...!

He laid her on the table,so white and clean and bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and felt her breast,then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide...He looked inside,all was dark and murky.He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY!..May i be the first to wish you and your dirty little mind a very Merry xmas :)

Does Santa really live in the North Pole? Lets have a look at the evidence.
1: He's fat.
2: Good at breaking into houses.
3: Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.
4: Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
5: Only works one day a year He's a fucking Maori.

My german girlfriend gives me marks out of 10 when we have sex,Tonight for example,I shoved it right up her arse,and she yelled "NINE NINE"...best score yet!!

YellowDog

31st December 2012, 20:45

With so many beautiful friends to wish a Happy New Year to and with so little time to do it, I just thought I'd get the really ugly ones out of the way first.

H A P P Y - N E W - Y E A R

granstar

13th January 2013, 17:06

I was just told i am delusional, I nearly fell off my unicorn. :shifty:

Spicer

4th February 2013, 19:17

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came

round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".

Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

An Kiwi and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan

nuclear disaster.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Christchurch."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fuckin' place!â€

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs

including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind

the Job Centre in Aranui.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........

They had no idea they had a Job Centre!

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.

He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few

minutes?"

The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea

where your wife is?"

"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman

with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the

rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate

for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my

ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent

her spare room out!!

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you

think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a

banana you think of the Discovery Channel.

John Key has announced he intends to make it more

difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Sky news report.

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.

It was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. .

"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage

and a long relationship. She replied "wear a seatbelt and

don't piss me off!"

"I'm baffled by your orange vagina."the doctor told his patient."Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The concerned woman said "No." "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" "I don't work." "Well,what do you do all day?" said the doctor.The woman said,"I watch porn and eat cheezels."

A farmer was fucking the prize ewe when the sheepdog came over and started licking his arsehole. Although it helped him cum quicker,he couldn't help but think-dogs are dirty bastards!!!

My wife being the romantic sort,just sent me a text.........."If you are sleeping,send me your dreams.If you are laughing,send me your smile.If you are eating,send me a bite.If you are drinking,send me a sip.If you are crying,send me your tears.I love you xxx." I replied........"I am having a shit.What should i do ?"

Spicer

7th February 2013, 12:51

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom."You know what" says the 7 year old,"I think it's time we started swearing.When we go downstairs for breakfast i'll swear first then you." "Ok" says the 4 year old.Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast."I'll have Coco pops,bitch," WHACK,he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.Mum looked at the 4 year old & said sternly "And what do you want?."Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."

Two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking exactly the same thing...One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers,the other is getting a blowjob from a 85 year old woman..WHAT ARE THEY BOTH THINKING?....Whatever you do Don't look down,just don't Fucken look down..

What's the difference between a lawyer & a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller & the other is a fish.

A mother in-law said to her sons wife,"When baby was born i don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"..Daughter in-law lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either but this a pussy not a fuckin photocopier".

I was vacuuming my house today and did what every single man on this plant has done at least once when vacuuming.I looked at the vacuum cleaner,and then looked at my penis,then i looked at my vacuum cleaner and then my penis,and thought to myself,hang on a fucking second,i've got a penis,why the fuck am i doing the vacuuming!!

Mick said to Paddy,"Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin your wife!" "Why?" asks Paddy."Because yesterday you were shaggin her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you."Well" says Paddy,"The fuckin jokes on them because i wasn't even home yesterday!"

Hinny

12th February 2013, 08:31

What do you call a retired Pope?
Ex-Benedict.

Spicer

12th February 2013, 12:05

My gay mate ( not you another one) who is dyslexic can not wait for February 14th he thinks it is vaseline day.

I asked my mate,when is it ok to have sex with teenage girls? He said it's legal once they leave school....apparently 3:30 isn't what he meant.....

MSTRS

14th February 2013, 13:08

Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia... bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner

Spicer

18th February 2013, 12:15

A mate went into a public toilet saw a notice on the door saying,"Beware Homosexuals." He then saw another notice on the toilet mirror saying,"Beware Homosexuals." Then he saw writing on the skirting board,so he bent down to read it.It said,"Brace yourself,you were warned twice!"

Spicer

23rd February 2013, 19:17

"Ecuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus,"You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said,"I'ts probably Yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said," I don't ejaculate Yoghurt."

As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down into my boxers and start to play with my balls and stroke my cock.It was nice but i wasn't in the mood."Not tonight." I whispered. "I'm tired." "It doesn't work like that in here!" said my cell mate.

A copper comes across a pissed up Paddy crawling along a railway track.Copper says,"What the fuck are you doing? Paddy looks up and says,"Oh bejesus thank fuck for that can you help me off this fucking ladder!'

nathanwhite

27th February 2013, 09:53

Why do women get married in white? Because typically you'd want the dishwasher to match the fridge...

Spicer

27th February 2013, 10:29

I was watching a film with my little boy last night as the wife was out.He said,"Dad I'm getting scared,is that lady going to die?" I said,"Probably son,judging by the size of that horses cock."

nathanwhite

27th February 2013, 19:23

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch.

Reckless

27th February 2013, 20:04

I was ........................

That is simply NOT funny :crazy:

_Shrek_

27th February 2013, 20:32

I was rap.....

no ones laughing..... :oi-grr:

newhere

27th February 2013, 21:33

I was....

WTF Doogle I sure hope someone hijacked your account.

newhere

6th March 2013, 22:07

279478279479

Nicked from facebook coz I like them.

Spicer

27th September 2013, 12:01

why do American girls love kiwi sailors? Because they can be on top for two weeks and still not come first.

NEW STATISTIC
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness That's scary..........IT means 75% are running around untreated.

Spicer

28th September 2013, 09:25

ORACLE stands for, One.Rich.Arsehole.Called.Larry.Ellison

Spicer

2nd October 2013, 21:12

The problem when a turbin head walks into the doc's you freak a little but when he walks out on the phone and looks up.......!!*

Spicer

8th October 2013, 12:31

Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer and its sexy. I do it and get told I'm nuts and to get the fuck out of Bunnings.

A man invites his mate back for dinner. His wife screams at him "I've not done my hair! Not done my makeup! Not done any house work! Not done the dishes and can't be fucked cooking any dinner! Why the fuck did you invite him over?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."

Spicer

20th October 2013, 05:39

Why are the best basket ball players black? Because it involes running,shooting and stealing.

Two eggs are boiling in a pot.One says,"Check out my crack." The other says,"Stop teasing i'm not even hard yet..."

A man and his wife are on hoilday in Jamaica and walk past a man selling magic sex sandals.The Jamaican said,"dee's magic sandels make ya a sex god man!" The wife is intriqued and convinces her husband to try some on,as soon as he puts them on,he instantly grabs the Jamaican,bends him over and sticks his cock up his arse.The Jamaican screams "Fuck sake man,ya gattdem on da wrong feet!"

One day a teacher was asking a class about marriage. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: 'I would want a wife like the moon." Teacher: "WOW!!" What a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny" "No,i want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!"

Since my wife's doctor put her on some new medication,our sex life has been amazing! Anal,golden showers,fisting,double fisting,nothing wakes her up!

Spicer

27th October 2013, 05:37

2 young lads are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.1st boy says,"My dads so scared,when lighting strikes,he hides under the bed!" The 2nd boy laughs and replies,"Yeah well that's nothing! My dad's such a wimp-when my mum works nightshift,he sleeps with my sister!!"

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car.The guy asks if she would like to go in the back seat."No" yells the blonde.Things get even hotter and the guy asks again."For the last time,no!" says the blonde.Frustrated the guy asks,"Well why the hell not?" The blonde says,"Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

Paddy says to Nick "I'm booked in for a circumcision tomorrow" Mick says "I had that done when i was a day old." Paddy says "Did you?-was it sore?" Mick says "Well i couldn't fucking walk for 18 months!"

Spicer

10th November 2013, 05:46

The Beer Prayer

Our beer,which art in barrels,Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,I will be drunk,At home as it is in public Forgive us
this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest
against us,And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine
tasting,And deliver us from D U I'S For mine is the barley,
The hops and the malt,Forever and ever,
BARMEN

"3-Blondes"
What happens when you line up three blondes in a row and blow through their ears?
A windmill

Just went to Harvey Norman this morning,I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car.I said,"Hey mate need some help with that TV?" He said,"Fuck off you arsehole it's an I-pad."

The new Royal Baby, George,has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1: Became a billionaire
2: Met the Queen
3: Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

My missus got a tattoo on her pussy...It had 'December 25' on one flap and 'January 1st on the other flap.I asked "Why did you do that?" She said,"You always complain there's nothing to eat between christmas and new years..."

Spicer

30th November 2013, 13:58

A little boy is playing with his train,mum overhears him say,"All you bastards getting off can fuck off.All you bastards getting on better fucking hurry up!" Mum sends him to his room for 2 hours until he learns to be nice.When he starts playing again 2 hours later,mum hears him say,"Those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day,those boarding please enjoy your journey and those upset at the 2 hour delay,blame the Fucken Bitch in the Kitchen!"

2 gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together.Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest. Cecil said,"What are you doing?" Rupert said,"I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and i want a hairy chest".Cecil replies,"Don't be fuckin stupid,if that was true i'd have a ponytail hanging out of my arse."

MSTRS

6th December 2013, 15:17

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot. Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

MIXONE

6th December 2013, 22:48

Hair extensions and hairpieces really can help to improve the looking of people and help to change them a lot hair extensions and hairpieces if choosing the right type and right style of hair wigs for you, of course that you will look and become more and more attractive and also buy curly short wigs now is easy as you can just get the ideal style that you want online at online shops now. I have just buy me a Synthetic Wigs and it is perfect.

Burn him!!!

Bassmatt

7th December 2013, 07:44

PrincessBandit

7th December 2013, 15:38

WTF! :lol:

Yeah, spammers should know better than to try flogging hair extensions to bikers!!!! (unless they're harley riders....)

*runs away very quickly*

MSTRS

13th December 2013, 11:34

Nigella Lawson, off her tits snorting coke? Don't care. Nigella Lawson, snorting coke off her tits? You have my attention...

Jase H

16th December 2013, 14:38

Posted on Facebook:

RIP Nelson Mandela. I'll never forget your "I have a dream" speech. :facepalm:

nadroj

16th December 2013, 16:43

I've worked my guts out this year & now it stays out........

Spicer

12th January 2014, 05:51

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,like; "I'm tired,I'm washing my hair,I've got a headache,I'm your sister..."

Grandma says to her grandson,"Be a love and help me put this suppository in," "Of course i will gran" says the little boy.She bends over,pulls her knickers down and spreads her buttocks.The boy says,"Do i put it in the Brown hole or feed it to the turkey?"

I got home and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying "It's no good it's not working I'm staying at mums for a while." I opened it,the light came on,the beer was well chilled Fuck knows what she was on about?

Text from daughter to mum: Hello mum,need some advice.I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair,how do i get it out,will i have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter: It's nice you can send me such an open and frank text,No you won't have to cut it out,I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.xx
Daughter back to mum: Oh My God....I meant to spell GUM!

My 16 year old son caught me shagging his missus last night."WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he screamed. "This is payback for 1997.You wrecked my girlfriends pussy,now i'm wrecking yours!!"

Fucking women!!!!!! I was quite happily listening to the news last night about a stricken cruise ship and the presenter said "She is lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court." I just happened to glance over at the wife,and all hell broke lose!!!!

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together we can stop this shit!

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!

crazyhorse

13th January 2014, 08:03

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Spicer

19th January 2014, 05:50

3 mice in a pub having a heavy discussion about who's the hardest mouse.
1st mouse says he is,"I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
2nd mouse says,"You poof! i get rat poison,crush it into powder and snort it"
3rd mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door,"Where are you going?" asked the other 2,"Home to fuck the cat."

Little Dave asked his dad,"Why are gardeners called green fingered when their fingers aren't actually green?" "It's just a saying son."
"Oh and why are thieves always caught red handed when their hands are black?"
"Good point son."

What do you get when you cross a black person and an Asian?
Someone who can steal a car but can't drive it.

A blonde walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.The pharmacist,a little bemused explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant and never have.Unfazed the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from the store on a regular basis and would like some more,"I'm sorry",says pharmacist,"We don't have any." "But i always get it here!" says the blonde."Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde,"I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist,who looks at it and says to her,"This is just normal stick deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container; "To apply,push up bottom!"

I was walking behind two girls when the wind got right up their skirts so i could see their panties. I fucking love my new leaf blower.

Spicer

26th January 2014, 05:53

A teenage boy comes home from school at 9pm.His dad says,"Where were you?" The boy replies,"I was with Jessica" His dad asked,"What were you doing?"
"We were revising." He replied.After picking a snack up off the table the son says."These fishcakes are nice" His dad replies,"Go and wash your hands son,they're pikelets!!"

They say that during sex you burn as many calories as running 10km.Who the fuck runs 10km in 30 seconds?

I recently took up speed dating.Or,as some people call it rape.

Took my mrs to one of those wife swapping parties the other night.What a fucken waste of time that was.All they had was other wives,I was after a chainsaw or new outboard.

Man hires a chinese private Investigator,Chen Lee,to watch his wife.A few days later he gets this report: Sir I watch house,you leave house.He came to house.He and she leave house.I follow.He and she go hotel.I climb tree and look in window.He kiss she.She kiss he.He strip.She strip.He play with she.She play with he.I play with me.I fall out tree.I not see.No fee.Chen lee.Very Sollee!

YellowDog

28th January 2014, 21:29

Wife txts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely fukked now.”

Tigadee

29th January 2014, 07:37

Roses are red
Grass is greener
When I think of you
I touch my wiener

Spicer

2nd February 2014, 05:55

Valentines day......,Secretly men feel left out,there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation to the man in their life.So march 14th is now officially "Steak,blowjob and shut the fuck up day" Simple effective and self-explanatory,no cards,no flowers,no fancy meal.Just a steak,a blowjob and shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. That's it! Spread the word and help men feel appreciated!

Last night we played a game where we gave each other nicknames with Bird Theme.I was an Owl "clever".Pete was an Eagle "good hunter".Oh and you were a Thrush "an irritating cunt."

A real woman really is man's best friend.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires.She makes him feel confident and sexy,seductive and invincible....No...wait....wait,I'm thinking of beer.It's fucking beer that does that! Sorry!

ACC are fuckwits! when the neighours 17 year old daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash...Guess who's in court tomorrow..?

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms."Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks."No" the guy says,"She's not that ugly."

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.They pulled the sheet back to show her face."I can't be certain." I told them.The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts and hard nipples,"Sorry,but I'm still not sure." Then they took the sheet completely off and i had a good look at the body and shaved minge."That's definitely not her,officer" 'Are you sure?" "Yep.my girlfriend's not black."

Spicer

9th February 2014, 05:48

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club.She's 58 but looks very good for her age.On the way back to her house the lad is thinking mmm! i bet her daughter is hot.When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a Sportmans Double? "What's that?" he asks."It's a mother and daughter threesome!" he says,"WOW YES PLEASE" so as they go in her front door,she puts the hall light on and shouts "Mum put your fuckin teeth in,he's up for it!"

One friend asked the other,"What is a dilemma,actually?" He replied,"Well let me illustrate with an example.Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other who are you going to turn your back on?"

Paddy and Murphy were swimming.They saw a pregnant lady drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Paddy starts giving her mouth to mouth.Murphy opens her legs and puts his mouth on her vagina.Paddy yells,"What the fuck are you doing?" Murphy replies,"You save the mother,i will save the baby..!!

2 Dogs are at the vet.Jack and Butch.Butch asks jack "What are you in for?" "I mauled a postman so I'm being put to sleep,what are you in for?" Butch says,"I was walking past the bathroom when i saw my owner stark naked,bent over the bath washing her hair,i was feeling horney so i mounted her doggy style." "Fuck that serious shit replies jack,no wonder you are being put down!" "I'm not" says,Butch,"i'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Spicer

16th February 2014, 05:41

Ive just been to a country fair and bought some antique farming equipment.
12 Niggers and a whip.

An old man gets on a bus but there are no seats so he leans on his walking stick the bus brakes and he slips.A young lad says,"Mister if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that wouldn't have happened!" The old man replies,"If your dad had taken the same advice I'd have a fuckin seat!"

Three year old boy was trying to open a yoghurt one morning.After a few minutes,he started getting stressed and said,"Fuckin stupid cunt lid!" Mum looked at dad and said,"Where's he got that from?" Dad said,"From the fridge you thick cunt!"

Called my boss earlier and said,"I won't be returning to work tomorrow because i have vaginal issues." He said,"For fucks sake you're a man." I replied,"Yes but you're a cunt."

Took an ugly girl out for a drink.Back home,we kissed and fondled.She said,"I don't have sex on the first date." I said,"How about the last?"

Silently i slipped the condom over my erect dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft,never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed,jaw dropping disbelief...Then breaking the silence i spoke..."Yes that seems to fit alright,I'll take the whole packet please...

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made.I had no idea how to approach it so i looked online and found a video that explains it all.
At the end of the video i told him "It's basically just like that,only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved."

Jase H

21st February 2014, 07:19

https://twitter.com/isaach/status/435857302390714369/photo/1

YellowDog

21st February 2014, 21:26

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. It's not available at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI"", not "wife".

Spicer

23rd February 2014, 05:38

A black woman in Chicago was admitted to hospital for an abortion.
2 weeks later she received a cheque for $1,500.She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. They said CRIME STOPPERS.

I was reading a book last night called "100 ways to please your woman."
The wife said,"Don't bother reading any of that nonsense-you only need to do two things for me,and i'll be the happiest woman ever." I smiled and said,"AWW,what's that?" She said,"Pack your bags and fuck off."

A mugger jumped out in front of an old lady and demanded all her money,she replied:"I don't have any!" He searched her body until he was feeling inside her knickers."I said i have no money," the lady replied,"but if you keep that up,I'll write you a cheque!"

For all you sports fans out there the New Zealand Radio-Daily Question Competition to win a CD. Announcer- "What category question would you like?" Caller- "Sport please." Announcer-"What's the name of the race that stops a nation?" Caller- "Maori"
SILENCE...

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *Sooo* drunk!"

Spicer

2nd March 2014, 05:49

My mate's shagging twins,who both like it up the arse.I asked how do you tell them apart? He said,"Oh that's easy,Sallys got massive tits and a nice shaven pussy and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks."

Mrs bought home a tub of ice cream and asked if i wanted some."How is it?" i asked.She cheekily replied,"As hard as your cock when your thinking about me naked!"
I said "Go on then pour me a glass."

My wife can manipulate the muscles of her fanny so it feels like your getting a blowjob,which is ironic because when she manipulates the muscles of her mouth she sounds like a cunt.

Two cops and a police dog outside a pub.An old drunk fella walks out of the pub,lifts up the dogs tail,stares at it's arse,puts it's tail down and turns to walk away.Cop says,"What are you doing?" The drunk says,"Them fellas in the pub said there's a dog outside with two arseholes!"

Two doctors having sex.He says,"You must be a sugeon you washed your hands before and after." She replies,"Well you must be an anesthetist,I didn't feel a thing."

The wife gave me $50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. You should've seen her face when i came home pissed!

A guy walks into an ice cream shop with his wife and son.He says,"I'll have a chocolate cone." His wife says."I'll have a vanilla cone." Then the man slaps his son on the back of the head and says,"What do you want fat head?" The lady behind the counter asks,"Why did you smack him and call him fat head?" The husband replies,"There are 3 things in life a man wants! The 1st is a nice big truck.You see that nice big truck out there? Thats mine! The 2nd thing a man wants is a nice big house.You see that great big house on top of the hill? Thats mine! The 3rd thing a man wants is a nice tight pussy and i had that until fat head came along!"

Spicer

9th March 2014, 05:48

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.At the gates of heaven,St.Peters asks the girls weather they have ever had any contact with a penis...The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger.Peter asks the girl to dip the finger into the holy water.The next girl says she once fondled one,so sticks her hand in the holy water. Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl pushes to the front.
"Jenny,what's the rush?" asks Peter.She replies "I want to gargle that holy water before Kathy sticks her arse in it."

Went into a brothel and said,"How much for anal?" She said,"$160." I said,"Too expensive,i'll leave it." She said,'Tight arse!" I said,"Oh go on then,you've talked me into it."

Sex Research: If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome.Now i understand why they call you handsome!

If Jim has 50 chocolate bars,and eats 45,what does he have?
Diabetes.

Spicer

16th March 2014, 05:35

Man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase and leaving him."Where are you going?" he asks,"I'm off to aussie."She replies,"I can make $400 a root over there." He immediately starts packing."Where the hell are you going?" she asks,"I'm coming to...i want to see you survive on $400 a year."

Paddy rings his new girlfriends doorbell with a big bunch of flowers.She opens the door,sees the flowers and drags him in.She lies back on the couch pulls her skirt up,rips her knickers off and says,"This is for the flowers!! "Don't be silly," says paddy."You must have a vase somewhere."

A maori and an islander jump off the top of a building.Which one hits the ground first? Who gives a Fuck?

Paddy goes into a Dublin florist shop and says,"Good afternoon,I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend please." The florist looks at him and replies,"Certainly sir,what is it you're after?" "A Fuck",says Paddy.

Spicer

23rd March 2014, 05:48

Kylie Minogue,Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.Kylie trips,and gets her head jammed between the raillings.Without a sideways glance,Robbie pulls aside her G-String,and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton,"Your turn!" Elton bursts into tears."What's up?" asks Robbie.Elton sobs,"My head won't fit through the raillings!"

As my spunk dribbled down my grilfriends chin,I looked her in the eyes and said,"Do you like that?" "No," She replied,"What the fuck is in this sandwich?"

7 Dwarfs went to meet the Pope."Go on Dopey ask him" chanted the other 6."Ok" said Dopey."Sir are there nuns in Alaska?" "Yes there are" said the pope."Go on Dopey ask him urged the other 6."Ok" said Dopey."Sir are there black nuns in Alaska?" "Yes there are" said the pope."Go on Dopey ask him",Dopey blushed,"Are there midget black nuns in Alaska?" "No i don't think so" said the pope.All 6 leapt up shouting "Dopey fucked a penguin."

A penis has such a sad life,his hair is always a mess,his family is nuts,his neighbour an arsehole,his best friend a pussy and to make it worse his owner beats him.What a life. hahaha.

Suck Hole Ten Cents,Lick Hole Five Cents,Fuck Hole Free, She's Dead.

Spicer

30th March 2014, 05:41

Men are like bank accounts without a lot of money,they don't generate much interest.

Men and fish are alike...They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.

A father and son are walking through the garden ..The son spots two Daddy Long Legged spiders on top of each other and turns to his father.."Dad,is that a Mummy long legs with that daddy long legs?" "No son" his father replies,"There is no such thing as a Mummy long legs.." The son then turns from his father and stamps his feet down squashing the spiders.."We'll have none of that gay shit in our garden aye Dad"

This morning,i was attacked by a woman in an elevator.I was staring at her breasts when she said,"Will you press 1?" So i did. I don't remember much after that....

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night.I was fucking some absolute slag from behind when i looked up and realised that the guy at the other end of the spit-roast,getting a blowjob,was my dad.I said,"After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum." He said,"I'm not..."

Husband says to wife,"My olympic condoms have arrived......i think i'll wear gold tonight",his wife says,"Why not wear silver and come second for a change."

How do you confuse your dog?
Name him stay,then call for him.Here,Stay,Here,Stay!

Spicer

6th April 2014, 06:52

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her Gran to know.
One day police raid the brothel and line all the girls up outside.Susie's gran walks past and sees her.Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges,so her gran joins the queue.When the police get to susie's gran,they are supprised and ask her,"How do you do it at your age?" Shes replies,"I take my teeth out,peel back the skin and suck 'em until they're dry..."

An old man goes to the doc,walks into a full waiting room and the receptionist says to him.."Hi how can i help?" He says..i've got a problem with my dick.."Everyone hears and she says to him.."You shouldn't say that in front of everyone...why dont you say something like..ive got a problem with my...ear?? Embarrassed he walks out then back in and she says to him.."Hi,how can i help?" He smiles and says,"I've got a problem with my...Ear." "Oh" she replies,"What seems to be the problem?..He says to her.."I CANT PISS OUT OF IT.."

Dear DR Phil.I was watching my neighours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.As i was having a wank i noticed my wife standing there,arms folded,watching me.Is she a pervert?

A bloke phones up his local council office and says,"I have just raped a big fat ugly bird." The woman says,"You should phone the police to confess." The man replies "I don't want to confess,i want you to fix the fuckin lights in the park..."

Paddy sets Mick up on a date and says,"She's a lovely girl but there's something you should know.She's expecting a baby." Mick shrugs his shoulders and says,"Ok.I'll give it a go." The next day Paddy sees Mick and says,"How did it go last night?" Mick replies,"Not too good.She was half an hour late and i felt a right prick sat at the bar wearing a nappy and a fucking bib..."

Be careful with who you deal with on trade! If you buy stuff online check out the seller out carefully.A friend has just spent $95 on a penis enlager.Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.The only instructions said "Don't use in direct sunlight."

Spicer

13th April 2014, 06:51

The viking God Thor comes to earth and spends all weekend shagging a mortal woman who has a lisp.
Monday morning comes.As he's a God and feeling a bit guilty for shagging her for 48 hours solid,he calls her up and explains: "I am Thor!" She replies: "You're Thor! I can't even go for a pith!"

Why is it hard to take the piss out of a maori lanuage......
Because they have no I or S in their alphabet.

What doesn't belong in the list? Meat,Eggs,Wife,Blowjob?
Answer: Blowjob,you can beat your meat,eggs and wife but you can't beat a blowjob.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

You're not drunk until you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.His owner, disgusted puts him in the freezer to cool off.20 minutes later when he opens the freezer,he finds the parrot sweating."How come your sweating?" He asks.The parrot replies: "Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

A man and his wife went to the zoo.They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife.Her husband says,'lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!" The ape goes mental."Now get your tits out!" The ape goes fucken berzerk!
The husband opens the cage and pushes the wife in."Now try telling THAT fucker you have a headache!"

Why are boobs like the sun?
Because with sunglasses you can look at both as long as you like!

The other night,my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her "Only you.All the others kept me awake shagging all night!" My wife packed my bags and as i walked out of the front door she screamed..."I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!"
"Oh" I replied."So you want me to stay now!"

Spicer

27th April 2014, 06:45

3 guys go up the mountain for a skiing weekend.That night they go to sleep in the ski lodge beside each other.When they wake up,the guy on the left has a hard on and explains,"I had a dream that i had a great hand job." The guy on the right also has a hard on and says he had a dream that he got a hand job too.The guy in the middle says,"You guys are wierd,i dreamt i went skiing."

After my prostate examination the doctor left.Then the nurse came in............At that point she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

I got a job truck driving in aussie. I broke down way out the outback.After 3 days i ran out of water and i started drinking my own urine 3 more days i could no longer pee.Faced with death i accepted the inevitable...and opened some of the fosters i was delivering.

The perfect girl isn't 36-24-36.she's 20-30-40 the body of a 20 year old the face of a 30 year old and fucks like a 40 year old.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.......unless your in prison.

Spicer

4th May 2014, 06:52

3 maori's in court,Rangi is given 15 years for possesion of a knife,Honi is given 25 years for possesion of a gun,Hemi is given 10 years for being in possesion of 60c in loose change.Summing up,the judge stated,"Although Hemi wasn't in possesion of a gun or knife,it is my opinion that he was clearly saving up for one!

2 guys are in a pub together when one turns to the other and says,"I fucked your mum last night.We did everything.I fucked her doggy,missionary and reverse cowgirl,then i licked her bumhole while she fingered mine,then she gave me a tit wank whilst sucking my cock and i spunked all over her face." The other guy puts down his pint and says,"Lets go home dad,i think you've had enough."

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little chinese guy comes in,stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.I said to him,"Do you know any of those martial arts things,like Kung-Fu,Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says,"No why the fluck you ask me dat,is it coz i chinee?" 'No",i said,"It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick."

Woke up at 8am with a wicked hangover the other day and the bastard neighour was mowing his lawn my first reaction was to get up and throttle the prick then i thought fuck it he can mow around me.

An abo is in an old peoples home,his relatives visit to make sure he is ok."Oh i'm fine" he says,"They treat us all with respect.Old Tom over there was a doctor and they still call him DR Tom,Bill was a pilot and they still call him captain Bill,and even though i haven't had sex for twenty years,they still call me The Fucking Abo!

anebv8

4th May 2014, 09:31

my maori neighbour asked if I want a water fight so here I am writing to you while I wait for the jug to boil

Spicer

11th May 2014, 06:42

Went to see the ex one last time. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.Fucken police weren't too happy. I was only supposed to identify the body!

My grandma has alzheimers...it's tough to deal with,but i'm grateful for the $50 she sends me every week for my birthday.

3 nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. 1st nurse says,"I can't let that go to waste",and rides him.The 2nd nurse does the same,the 3rd nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period,but does him anyway.Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead.The man replies,"I was,but after two jump starts and blood transfusion i feel fucken great!!!

went to the shop the other day and four blokes over the road shouted,"Hey white boy,like your gay shirt." I said "100% cotton mate,tell your grandad thanks."

munster

11th May 2014, 12:43

my maori neighbour asked if I want a water fight so here I am writing to you while I wait for the jug to boil
or the bucket to freeze :rolleyes:

Spicer

18th May 2014, 06:45

A girl sitting next to me on the bus said she would suck me off for $5 which i thought wasn't to bad so i agreed.When she had finished,she wiped her mouth and lit a cigarette..At that i thought to myself,"What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"

Sure it's fine for females to sit and read 50 shades of Grey in public, but when i pull out my book Cum Guzzling Sluts people go mad.

I get sick of people telling me stalking someone is easy!
They don't understand how hard it is to masturbate and hold binoculars at the same time.

Every now and then me and my wife have a cheese and wine party.
I get my cheesy knob out and she whines about having to suck it.

A wise man once said: Ignore what comes out of a womans mouth,unless it needs wiping and putting back in your pants.

My girlfriend thinks i'm sweet.
Hopefully after tonight she'll realise i'm pretty salty.

What do you call 4 Pakehas surrounded by 400 Maoris?
Prison wardens.

Why shouldn't you throw rocks at a Maori on a bike?
Because the bikes probably yours.

Now that India has allowed homosexuality,the first lesbian couple have got married.
Congratulations to Sukme Flaps and Makemeclit Singh.

Spicer

25th May 2014, 06:43

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm...."I'd like to buy a horth" he says "What sort of horse?" said the owner."A female horth," the owner shows him a mare."Nithe horth," says the dwarf."Can i thee her eyth?" owner picks him up shows the eyes,"Nith eyth",says the dwarf,"Can i thee her teeth?" owner picks him up shows the teeth."Nith teeth," he says,"Now can i see her twot?" the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says,"Perhaps i should weewaze that..."Can i see her wun awound?"

What's white,smells,and can be found in panties?
Clitty litter.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there?
Thats why i'm no longer a Gynaecologist...

Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest,"I'm pregant." He asked,"How did this this happen,my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming." The priest,shocked by this reply asked,"What makes you think it's the second coming?" She replied,"Because i swallowed the first"

Spicer

1st June 2014, 06:47

The woman at the job centre said she had 3 openings for me.
"Well,that's 2 more than the wife...",I thouhgt to myself as i started taking off my pants.

2 hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business,and one of the hookers said,"Gonna be a good night.i smell cock in the air."
The other hooker looked at her and said,"No,i just burped."

My black neighours house burned to the ground yesterday.
"Everything" he sobbed,"Everything i ever stole was in that house!"

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the womans nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry."Is that your husband?" he asks."No silly" she replies snuggling up to him"Your boyfriend then?" "No,not at all," she says,nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or brother?" He asks.hoping to be reassured."No,no,no! You are so sexy when your jealous!" she answers."WELL WHO THE HELL IS IT THEN?" he demands!!! She gently whispers in his ear:"That use to be me"...

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room."Please come fast i'm having an argument with my wife and she says she wiil jump out the window of your hotel." The manager replied,"Sir that's a personal matter." Husband replies "Like fuck it is! the window won't open so that's a maintenance matter!?

Peter and Mary walking home from the pub.Mary says that she needs a piss so she goes behind a bush peter is feeling horny so he slips his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between marys legs he asked her,"Have you changed your sex?" Mary replies,"No i've changed my mind i'm having a shit."

Spicer

19th June 2014, 20:44

I Went out last night, and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she was up for making a "home movie." All I did was suggest, that we should hold auditions for her part!!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night. It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

Bikkie

25th June 2016, 06:09

There I was sitting at the bar,staring at my drink when a large,trouble making Biker steps up next to me,grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig-"Well whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly-As I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life." I say."I'm a complete failure.I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.When I went to the parking lot,I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.I left my wallet in the cab I took home.I found my wife with another man and the dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink,I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poision dissolve.Then you show up and drink the whole thing" But enough about me.How's your day going?"

Bikkie

26th June 2016, 06:00

I have been watching the ladies beach volleyball today and there has already been a bad wrist injury.....The doctor says I should be ok by the morning.

The average man walks 900 miles and drinks 20 gallons of beer per year meaning the average man gets 45 miles per gallon.

Customs took away my forified wine.I've been de-ported.

WristTwister

26th June 2016, 22:38

The average man walks 900 miles and drinks 20 gallons of beer per year meaning the average man gets 45 miles per gallon.

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

Virago

26th June 2016, 22:47

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7ERZ4dbPNss/U52VDNp_PiI/AAAAAAAAEHE/8uBE0MV5sgA/s1600/prepared500.jpg

Laava

26th June 2016, 23:29

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

So, a doormat?

Bikkie

2nd July 2016, 05:48

My Thai girlfriend says,a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship,but I still wish she didn't have one.

Bikkie

9th July 2016, 06:24

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaisam all have the same god,and he's telling them all different things."

"American sex shops are the most bizarre.They sell these inflatable dolls,but they also sell just the head-supposedly for people to drive along the highway with."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention:then again,so is a bicycle repair kit".

"Suicide...bombing,there's a bright idea.Everytime there's a bang,the world's a wanker short."

"My definition of an intelllectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"Never trust a man,who when left alone with a tea cosy...doesn't try it on."

"The human race has been set up.Someone.Somewhere,is playing a practical joke on us.Apparently,women need to feel loved to have sex.Men need to have sez to feel loved.How do we ever get started?"

"I worry about ridiculous things.You know,how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning...That can keep me awake for days."

Bikkie

17th July 2016, 06:09

So I am going in for surgery this week. I've decided I am going to run for parliament,so I'm getting my foreskin sown back on,because to be a politician you have to be a complete DICK.

In art class at school,I was taught that black is a shade,not a colour,which must mean that black people aren't coloured they are shady.

Bikkie

30th July 2016, 05:34

I thought I saw the wife out in the back yard this morning,jabbering away to herself.But it was just the wheelie bin lid blowing up and down in the wind.

Spent a couple of hours at the wife's grave this morning.Bless her heart,she thinks I'm digging a pond.

Bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife,"When I die I'm leaving everything to you love".She shouts back,"You already do you lazy bastard"....

I've just got back from the world blindfold masturbating championships...........I've no idea where I came!!....

A girl told me;if I can get her pussy wet I could have sex with her......So I pissed on her cat.

YellowDog

11th August 2016, 22:49

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike :second:

Bikkie

13th August 2016, 06:28

The wife says I'm tight!,so to prove her wrong we went out for tea and biscuits! It was quite exciting as she's never given blood before.

Bikkie

6th October 2016, 08:11

I went to the doctor's today,he said I was to avoid saturated Fat....! That's it then,no more shagging her in the shower.

Bikkie

6th November 2016, 04:51

I was walking along the beach the other day,with my Mackintosh laptop slung over my shoulder,when the strap broke,and it fell into the ocean.Now it's a Dell [ Adele ] rolling in the deep.

I was sexually active at 12....it's now 12.15 and my arm is killing me.

It must be time to check my credit card statement.The wife just offered me a blowjob.

I sent my girlfriend out to buy a dominatrix outfit. ...She came back with a wedding dress.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.Paddy says,"Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says,"In the car." Paddy says,"That's the quickest way."

Bikkie

12th November 2016, 04:51

Did you hear about the new bimbo flavoured icecream?....Hopehepokesme...

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years.Men reach theirs after about 4 minutes.

Bikkie

4th December 2016, 05:28

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has monopoly?
Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

My wife said to me that if she jingled my bells,she'd promise me a white Christmas.

Why is Christmas just like your job?
Because you do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas.
It's a $100 on me and $500 on her.

I asked a girl if her name was jingle bells,because she looked like she'd go all the way.

How do you know that Santa is a man?
No woman wears the same attire every year.

I've had enough of Christmas.All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for.And what happens Christmas morning?That fat fucker with a beard gets all the credit!!!
Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her....!!

I've got a New Years resolution this year,I'm giving up smoking and masturbation.It's going to be hard though,I'm a 20 a day man.......and I smoke like a chimney.

The only thing more romantic than twelve roses on a piano is tulips on an organ.....

A wonderful song told me to Deck The Halls....So I did.Mr and Mrs Hall were not happy.

An honest politician,a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor.Who picked it up?
Santa of course the other to don't exist!

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

Bikkie

10th December 2016, 04:52

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

What did the maori boy get for Christmas?
Your bike.

Bikkie

16th February 2017, 06:57

What's the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank??
It's your ears as you listening in case anyone is coming.

Jase H

16th February 2017, 09:44

What's the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank??
It's your ears as you listening in case anyone is coming.

Aren't you coming? :tugger:

Bikkie

18th February 2017, 05:19

I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller.Apparently,"A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call 69!

If you walk past Beethovens grave,you can hear his 5th symphony but backwards.He's just decomposing.

Bikkie

26th February 2017, 04:56

Why does Beyonce sing "To the left,to the left?"
Because black people have no rights.

What's the smallest hotel in the world?
A vagina,because you can't get your bags inside.

Bikkie

4th March 2017, 05:05

A misunderstanding
....................
My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.
She says,"Pink or brown.Take your pick.I said,"How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"
Stupid cow.

Bikkie

5th March 2017, 05:15

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J.Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one.
The pope has one but doesn't use it,Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time.
What is it?
A last name! And shame on you thinking it was something else."

Bikkie

11th March 2017, 05:35

What do you get when you cross an owl with a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night long.

Bikkie

12th March 2017, 05:29

A misunderstanding
.....................

I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:"Hello birthday boy.When you get home from work,there'll be
a hot bath waiting for you.
When you've finished,come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry." :)
"Fuck that it'll take ages.I'll just use a towel."

Bikkie

26th March 2017, 05:29

What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
The PRICKS ARE ON THE INSIDE!

Bikkie

28th March 2017, 06:43

Headline in Newspaper reads: Adele's concert in Auckland almost washed out,as the weather was a Adele-luge.

Stu999c

28th March 2017, 13:42

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170328/2128065ced985a1319711fdacd46bf18.jpg

Bikkie

8th April 2017, 06:30

"I would never be unfaithful to my wife for the simple reason that I love my house too much."

Bikkie

15th April 2017, 06:47

Easter Sunday:

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday,the young farm boy decided to play a prank.
He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single eeg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs,then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Boiling Water:

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?
It's going to take a while for me to get hard...I just got laid by a chick.

At first a little nibble-a slow and tempting lick I suck and munch my liquid lunch then I swallow quick.
CADBURY CREAM EGG HOW DO YOU EAT YOURS?

4 Reasons why you wouldn't want to be an Easter Egg:
1: you get laid once.
2: You only get eaten once.
3: It takes you 3 minutes to get hard.
4: You get tossed in the garbage when they're finished with you.

And then there is 1 reason that you would want to be an Easter Egg,is that you'll get the cream sucked out of you. Smile

Bikkie

6th May 2017, 06:45

I came home from work and told my wife that I've been given a promotion at work which means I get my own office my own private secretary.
"Well,you'd better hire someone who's old,fat,ugly,with a bad attitude.I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough" I replied."When can you start?"

Bikkie

11th June 2017, 06:31

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.
But you sure wouldn't have know it from the look on her face as we
were bouncing around.

"Has anyone told you how gorgeous you look?" I asked the girl behind the counter.
"No," she smiled. "Well if they do," I said,"Send them to my specsavers shop next door."

When she walked out she said,"You are never going to find someone like me again."
which was really funny because my next Asian girlfriend looked exactly the same.

Bikkie

13th June 2017, 07:41

Unbelievable....Theresa May has spent all day putting together a new cabinet.
The countries in a total mess and she's fucking about with furniture!

I once tried to buy a house on a old Indian reservation.When I asked if it came with running water,he told me to fuck off and find my own wife.

I remember the time the police caught me shagging a young deer.
I was arrested for fawnication.

Bikkie

18th June 2017, 06:51

Just had a good night out down the pub so I jumped in a taxi and said,"Take me to where I can get my cock sucked for a tenner mate."
But gutted when he took me to our house.

I was browsing pornhub and saw an ad that read:"BBC fucks Asian in the arse" I thought to myself,"That's a little harsh for not paying your TV licence.

Fun Fact: Shaquille ONeal,Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods shared the same nickname in high school....Nigger

You know you're getting old when:Watching Babestation.A gorgeous girl in a skimmy little French maid's outfit pushing a Hoover around bending over provocatively.
And all you think is,"We used to have a Hoover like that one."

I was angry when I stumbled across an online dating profile my wife had put up.
The lying bitch is not fun to be around.

Bikkie

23rd June 2017, 07:42

I asked a chinese girl for her number.She said,"sex! sex! sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said,"Wow!" Then her friend said,"She means 666-3629"

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen,remember that's where the knives are kept.

Bikkie

24th June 2017, 06:48

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
'Round?" "Round?"
"Get a round?" "I get a around?"
"Get a round...."

Paddy and Murphy,come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.
Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girls bike.
"What the fuck happened?" asked Murphy.
"Well I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off lies on the ground and says,take what you want big boy!
"So I took the bike."
"Good on ye" says Murphy.
"I'm sure the knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway."

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said,"This is a very rare set,produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists
who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

Bikkie

25th June 2017, 06:27

What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room,you know it's Good.

Bikkie

1st July 2017, 06:37

I started a boat business in the attic.
The sails are going through the roof.

I just kicked off down the local doctors because I didn't want a gay doctor examining my prostate.
I said I'm sorry but it's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock up.

I find this offensive.There's a black man in my family tree.
He's been dangling off it for some time now.

My wife said that next time we have sex,she wants me to fill her hole with ectasy.
I told her she'd have to wait for a month.
Give the dealer time to import that much.

Bikkie

2nd July 2017, 06:50

How do you milk sheep?
Release another iphone.

Just found out that i'n allergic to condoms.
Guess that explains my itchy bum hole then.

Why do pantyliners have wings?
Because they couldn't call them flaps.

Bikkie

8th July 2017, 06:49

My new girlfriend asked me if I'd had sex before....Apparently
"not with people" was the wrong answer.

This time last year my wife ran away with my best friend.
Fuck I miss him.

Two old woman meet up in a cafe one morning.
Margaret says to Ethel,"Did you come on the bus?"
Ethel replies,"Yeah,but I made it look like an asthma attack."

My girlfriend wanted something long and flowing for our wedding so I pushed her in the River Thames.

Why is it that when someone working behind a bar thinks I've had too much to drink,they won't serve me anymore?
Yet........Macdonalds would never stop serving fat cunts........

Bikkie

15th July 2017, 06:34

Oral B. The slutter,lesser known member of the Spice Girls.

A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest,"I'm pregnant"
He asks,"How did this happen my child?"
She says,"I think it must be the second coming!"
The priest shocked by this reply asks,"What makes you think it is the second coming?"
She replies,"Because I swallowed the first!"

I caught my neighbours dog having a shit on my front lawn this morning so I put it in his letterbox.
Well,not all of it.
Just the legs and tail.

We were driving through the welsh countryside when my little girl said,"Look at that strange animal daddy,man at the back sheep in the front,"

Bikkie

16th July 2017, 06:54

A sign above the door where I work says,"Once you go black you never come back."
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

Bikkie

18th July 2017, 07:48

Now with a woman as the new Doctor Who,the crew will have nicely ironed clothes.

The BBC have announced that Doctor Who will be replacing the sonic screwdriver with the sonic Dildo.

So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she'll keep bringing up the past

Bikkie

22nd July 2017, 06:48

I'm a big fan of the art of mime.
Whenever I see a mime artist performing in the town square,
I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.

I bought R.kellys new album yesterday.
There was a warning sticker on the cellophane.
It read: "Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children."

A man goes to his doctor complaining of a golf ball in his anus,the doctor said,"It's in a fairway!"

Paddy's wife came home after a long day at work and said,"I'm fucking sleepy."
"How could you? he demanded.Cheating on me with a dwarf."

Bikkie

6th August 2017, 06:50

Went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week.
The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics.
So I stopped going.

Bikkie

28th August 2017, 07:57

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by,"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,"I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."

Bikkie

2nd September 2017, 06:50

The singer Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse.
He's got himself some spying,talking,tweeting,stalking,living trolls.

My boss came up behind me today just as I was watching an online video of a bloke getting sucked off by a blonde.
He snapped,"Do you think I pay people to do that?" I answered,"You're not the best looking guy so probably."

Here's my best chat up line,try it yourself when you next get the chance,go up to her and say:
"Hi,my name is Gerald,but everyone calls me Dick"
She will say,"How do you get Dick from Gerald?"
I reply "Just ask nicely."

I like my women like I like my computer.
Turned on,on my lap and virus free.

BMW has announced that the new 9 series will have a 'self park' option.
How about self not indicating self pulling out into traffic when there is no gap self tailgating and flashing headlights.
This would then allow the BMW driver to use their iphone almost uninterrupted more time to pose like the cunts they are.

Bikkie

12th September 2017, 07:46

I went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly bastard."
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about."
"I'm really sorry,I didn't know you were her father"
"I'm not.I'm her mother you cheeky cunt!!!

My mates are really annoyed with me right now just because I lost the pub quiz.
Apparently the drone isn't the national bird of syria.

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.
Despite begging and pleading with her,she's adamant she won't move out before then.

jim.cox

14th September 2017, 06:20

Q: How do you milk sheep?
A: Release a new iPhone!

Bikkie

16th September 2017, 06:12

Another utterly crap birthday party at my brother's house yesterday.
I know he's a Bomb Disposal Technician,but does it really take 4 hours to open each present?..

I beleive whites should be separate from blacks,otherwise,everything in my laundry comes out grey.

NEWS:Colorado marijuana tax revenue exceeds $500 million.It's generating so much money,Colorado can now afford a cocaine habit.

What word starts with an N,Finishes with a R and people call a black man in the house next to theirs?
Neighour you racist bastard.

My wife opened her birthday card and found the ticket."The Pamplona bull run!!" she beamed.
"Do I need any special gear?"
"All sorted" I replied handing her the nose ring.

I don't see the point in threesomes when it's just another woman to disappoint.

Bikkie

23rd September 2017, 06:48

I find it impressive how snooker players can put the chalk back in their pocket without getting any of it on their clothes.
It's a bit like how pornstars can have anal,and afterwards and not have any shit on their dicks.

"I was disqualified from the dog race yesterday."
"Why?" "I'm not sure.I only followed the instructions as my wife read them out to me," "Really? what were they?"
"Wait for the judges to call your name.Then wave to the crowd and enter course with your dog...

"Huge gap in living standards for ethnic groups."
I can't say I'm surprised when the jews own all the banks,Asians own half the shops and blacks make a fortune selling cocaine.

Politicians and nappies should be changed more often for the same reason.

caspernz

24th September 2017, 01:06

Q: What do a boss and a nappy have in common?

A: Always on your arse, and usually full of shit.

Bikkie

1st October 2017, 05:53

If you like listening to music while having sex,choose a live album.
That way,you get applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

I bought a female camel the other day.
The guy who sold it to me told me it was male but he must been mistaken-everytime I ride it to work I hear people say,"Look at the cunt on that!"

My new girlfriend asked me to go over to her flat for the first time so that she could show off her cooking skills.
When she asked me if there was anything in particular I wanted to eat,I jokingly replied,"Your pussy!"
Sadly I had forgotten two things!
She doesn't have a sense of humour and she's Korean.

The local newspaper just hired me as the obituaries editor.
My pen name is Doug Graves.

Bikkie

7th October 2017, 05:40

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynaecologist?
The Genealogist looks up your family tree and the Gynaecologist looks up your family bush!!

A Polish immigrant went to the opticians for an eye test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ,"Can you read this?"
The optician asks."Read it?" the pole replies."I know this guy."

A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.
"I wouldn't worry about it" said the doctor."They're bengin."
"Count again doc" said the pirate,"You'll find there are ten."

I must admit,I do frown upon pornography
But that's only because I'm concentrating.

I got fired from my job,when a Muslim coworkers brother died apparently it's not suitable in their condolence card to ask how many people they took with him.

My Sat-Nav has Bonnie Tyler as it's celebrity voice.
The trouble is it keeps telling me to turn around..and every now and then it falls apart.

When you make a joke about gay people they normally take it the wrong way.
How fucking ironic

My wife is pissed off about my premature ejaculation problem.
At first she took it on the chin,but now it's just getting on her tits.

I was bursting for a shit so I nipped into the local Kmart as I ran to the toilet I noticed a white haired little old lady hanging onto the handrail next to the disabled toilets.
"Young man,could you get me a stool,I feel very faint...."
I thought at the time that it was a bit odd....anyway I'm banned from Kmart.

I was on this blind date with a girl and I started telling her all about how I was scottish and part of a clan.
"Ooh,which one?" she asked,"Campbell,MacGregors?"
"No Ku Klux."

Akzle

7th October 2017, 11:20

25% of women in this country are on medication for some form of mental illness.

which is fucking scary because it means the other 75% are on the loose and untreated.

Bikkie

14th October 2017, 05:49

This Halloween my wife and I have the best idea for a trick or treating costume.
We go up to the door,I get my cock out,she gets on her knees and starts sucking it then I knock on the door.
We're going as a goblin.

Olympic commentators say it's impossible to knock 5 seconds off your personal best.
Well I proved them wrong the other day,I was watching the women's volleyball and I heard my wife's car pull in the driveway.

I was walking through the woods when I found a suitcase.I looked inside and found 3 puppies,so I called the SPCA.
The woman on the other end of the line asked,"Are they moving?"
I surpose that explains the suitcase.

Do you know how to stop a woman from moaning,nagging and generally being a fucking nightmare?..No?,neither do I.

Gagging during a blow job is one of the most romantic sounds a girl can make.
It means she's chosen your cock over oxygen.

I was having a wank earlier and accidentally came into my bag of weed.
Jackpot.

My girlfriend was really hurt and upset when she found out I swing both ways.
She couldn't block both punches.

Just got a new sat nav it's called Tom Tom Petty everytime I go down a no through road it says,"There's aint no easy way out."

There's a decent offer on at the moment from Amazon.
If you buy a collection of sheet music by Adam And The Ants,they will throw in a free stand and deliver.

I went to bed last night thinking I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.

Akzle

19th October 2017, 17:54

http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Very_Punny_3.htm

Bikkie

22nd October 2017, 05:45

My next door neighbour is a policeman and I got invited to his birthday party yesterday.
The food wasn't great but the party games were fantastic.
My favourite was pin the job on the maori.

Apparently there's a pervet at my local swimming pool spying on woman in the changing rooms,which is bullshit
because i've been in here for an hour and i've not seen him!

I invented a device that religiously records every single thing you see,say and do throughtout your life in minute detail.
The idea being that you can look back at how dull and boring it is and then do something to improve it.
Then I found out Facebook had beatin me to it.

Just got caught in a heavy shower....Now I'm wetter than a blind lesbian at a fish market.

Jehovah's witeness don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door?

Bikkie

7th November 2017, 08:24

Stevie Wonder Text Jokes

How did Stevie Wonders mother punish him?
She changed his room around.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
No one has told him he is black.

When is the best time to phone Stevie Wonder?
When he is ironing his clothes.

Why does Stevie Wonder always more his head around when he sings?
He does not know where the Mic is.

What goes click,click,"Have I done it yet?" click,click.Have I done it yet?"
Stevie Wonder doing a Rubic Cube.

Bikkie

19th November 2017, 05:52

I bumped into my one armed mate yesterday.
I said,"Hi,Frank,where are you going?"
"I'm off to change a lightbulb",he replied,"Won't that be difficult?" I asked.
"Na" he said,"I've kept the receipt."

I found someone's wallet today,and as a good christan I thought,"What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.

I learned most of my best dance moves from watching TV shows where the black guy finds out he's not the father.

My girlfriend just sent me a text: "I wil get my son into bed at 7pm tonight,then we can watch porn and have sex,how does that sound?xxx"
I texted back: "It's up to you,he's your son,as long as I can watch?"

The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.

Just been into lighting plus and bought a pack of energy saving lightbulbs.
As the woman on the till scanned them,she asked:"Will you be putting these up yourself,sir?"
"Erm,no," I replied,"What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

ZackTyler

22nd November 2017, 19:53

25% of women in this country are on medication for some form of mental illness.

which is fucking scary because it means the other 75% are on the loose and untreated.

Hahaha! This definitely made my day. :)

ZackTyler

24th November 2017, 02:15

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11..

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

ZackTyler

24th November 2017, 02:16

Why did C-3P0 get lost?

He went on an R2-Dtour.

Bikkie

24th November 2017, 06:03

And I thought Black Friday sale was just another Nigger Slave auction.

ZackTyler

25th November 2017, 01:00

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.

You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

ZackTyler

25th November 2017, 01:02

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

ZackTyler

25th November 2017, 01:03

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

Bikkie

25th November 2017, 05:25

They say that prostitution is the worlds oldest profession.
Well who the fuck had money to pay for it then?

Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important.

Writing "Do not insert into ear" on a packet of cotton buds is like writing "Do not inject into veins" on a bag of smack.

A man has been arrested after trying to scale the security fence at the White House.
Police who led the man away were heard to say,"We don't care how bad it is,you've another 3 years to seve,Mr.President."

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.
I prefer to call it a flap jack.

My doctor said I've been having to much phone sex!
Now I have hearing aids!!!!

I like my women like my golf scores,in their 80's with a slight handicap.

Bring your child to work day must be awkward for prosititutes!

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
So I did that,and now I feel much better.But do I keep the letters?

What is the least spoken lanuage in the world?
Sign language.

Sign lanuage.It's pretty handy.

A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

I was going to post a joke about poofs.
Butt fuck it.

What do you call a chinese guy with a video camera?
Phil- Ming.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said,"I love my job I'm my own boss nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said,"Turn left."

Bikkie

26th November 2017, 05:45

I was disgusted when I recognized my gran in an old porno movie.Not that she made it,but that I carried on wanking.

ZackTyler

28th November 2017, 00:44

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?

Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.

Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

ZackTyler

28th November 2017, 00:45

A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children..

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.

Bikkie

13th December 2017, 05:57

As Elton John was made a sir,what does that make David Furnish?
Knight Rider.

I know a really slutty Roman girl who kept shouting
"509! 509!"
She really likes DIX....

My date Said I have to woo her before I get her into bed.
So I pulled out my dick,started spinning it around and yelled "Woooooooo!"

Bikkie

23rd December 2017, 05:38

A boss buys his gorgeous secretary an expensive fur coat for christmas.
As she's wearing it in front of the mirror admiring herself.
The boss looks her up and down and says,"You're knickers are coming down."
Embarassingly she has a quick look to check,
She says,"No they're not."
He says,"They are or that coat's going back to the shop."

I was never wanted as a child.
Every christmas I would get a packet of batteries with the words
[ Toys not included ]

Stevie Wonder once got a cheese grater for christmas.
He said, "It was the most violent book I've ever read in my life."

My kids keep on taking the piss out on my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

'There won't be snow in Africa this christmas time."
No shit Geldof.Let me inform you you scruffy fuck wit that there won't be any fucking Africans either,
they're all here,

Bikkie

25th December 2017, 04:52

Pornhub have decided
to go all festive by
adding snow to their
homepage.Well I'm
assuming it's snow.

Make Christmas more
entertaining by
sending a Christmas
card to your
neighbours with things
like "To the prick with
the noisy dog hope
you have a shite xmas."
Then sign it from an
other cunt of a
neighbour.

6 Bottles of wine,3
bottles of cider,1JD,
2 vodka,3x24 packs
of stell,1 bottle of
rum and 2 gin.Weekly
shop done.better start
thinking about getting
something in for
Christmas.

Bikkie

26th December 2017, 05:06

There was a man from
Saudi who bought his
wife an Audi she said,
"Wow that's pretty cool
Now I can drive your
other wives to school."

Now that Saudi Arabia
is to revoke its ban on
women drivers,all
those Muslims blokes
wives will finally be
able to get behind the
wheel.It's just a pity
their feet don't reach
the pedals.

Saudi king issues
decree allowing
women to drive.
Fucking hell man,Like
Saudi wasn't a
dangerous enough
place already?..

I was getting
undressed in front of
my new blonde
girlfriend.I dropped
my underpants and
she said,"I thought
you told me that you
had at least a foot."
"No,I said that I'd got
Athletes Foot."

Bikkie

26th December 2017, 05:46

Breaking News:

In the music world
Jeremy Corbyn and the Commie
Snowflakles are to release a seasonal
single. I'm dreaming of a red Christmas.

It must be so depressing to be a vegan during the christmas period.
I mean,imagine how shit Christmas Day
must be if you're already a massive
cunt and then to make things
worse,you havn't got any friends.

Bikkie

29th December 2017, 05:51

I took 4 of my wife's sleeping tabets the other night and they didn't even affect me.
Anyway got to go.I need to do some last minute christmas shopping.

For Christmas I got a great self help book.
I think it's going to do wonders for my sex life,it's titled,
"Men's guide to getting Tits and pussy whenever you want it."
by Caitlyn Jenner.

Bikkie

30th December 2017, 05:33

10 Things a woman will never say:

1: Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?

2:You take me out too much.Can't we just stay in?

3:A fake one will do.

4:You look stressed out,let me give you a blow job.

5:Have a night out with your friends,you deserve it.

6:My mother is a real old bitch.

7:No,no You buy me too much already.

8:Give it me hard up the arse big boy.You know I love it.

9:What headache?

10:Put your money away,let me buy the round.

Bikkie

31st December 2017, 04:59

I can't believe how many chocolates I've
gotten this christmas season! I still have 40
more doors to open on my Diane Abbott
advent calender.

To everyone who received a book from
me at Christmas.They're due back
at the library in two weeks.

A scouser goes on the antiques roadshow
with a very rare vase,
Hugh Scully asks,
"How did you acquire the vase?"
The scouser says,"It was
handed down to me.
Hugh Scully,"Where
from?" The scouser
replies,"An upstairs
window."

Have you seen the
new online "Emo
community Hub?
www.emo.com/wrists

The good thing about
marriage is that you
can have sex at any
time you
want............As long
as you're the one with
the vagina.

What do you call a
woman without a
clitoris? It doesn't
matter,she's not going
to come.

All in all...it was a
good orgy.

What do you call a
letter from a feminist?
Hate male

.I told my mum that
"WTF" means "Wow
That's Fantastic" Her
texts are so much
more fun now.

My mate Dave is an
lip reader.Well
I say lip reader,he's
actually a deaf
Gynecologist.

I went to a travel agent
today and asked for the
taste of America
experience.She shot me.

WALRUS

31st December 2017, 15:55

Cassina...

Akzle

31st December 2017, 18:07

Cassina...

i think you're looking for the "sickest jokes" thread...

Bikkie

1st January 2018, 05:00

I'll remember 2017 like
it was yesterday.

Dear Luck.....can we be
friends in 2018 please?

Just heard that in 2018
there will be a new
device that can turn
thoughts into speech.I
have had that for years,
it's called alcohol.

I was going to quit
drinking for the new year,
but then I remembered
no one likes a quitter.

A gay footballer has
been sacked from his
defensive position at
a premier league
club. He wasn't tight
enough at the back.

Saying "I drink beer
because I
like the taste" is a bit like
saying "I watch porn
because I like the
story."

My wife just came out
of the bedroom
wearing a Nurses
outfit.I thought
Fucking Awesome.
She's going to work.

Started a new job as a
delivery man today.
When I got to my first
address there was a
little sticky note left
on the door saying,
"Dear Mr delivery
man,we're out,please
hide in garage." That
was eight hours ago
and still nobody's
found me.

Bikkie

1st January 2018, 05:03

i think you're looking for the "sickest jokes" thread...

No not looking for sickest joke thead.

Akzle

1st January 2018, 05:23

No not looking for sickest joke thead.

are you mildly retarded?

Bikkie

2nd January 2018, 05:44

No need for the insult!

Bikkie

2nd January 2018, 06:17

Sex is like a gas station.
Sometimes you get full service,
sometimes,you gotta ask for service,
And somtimes you have to be happy with self service.

Just seen this hot babe working out at the gym.
So I asked her if she had made any New Year resolutions.
"Fuck you," she said.
Looks like a great 2018 for me already then.
Hope you all have one too.

Woodman

2nd January 2018, 06:26

Sex is like a gas station.
Sometimes you get full service,
sometimes,you gotta ask for service,
And somtimes you have to be happy with self service.

And sometimes you pull out early and spray petrol all over the car.

Akzle

2nd January 2018, 07:46

No need for the insult!

*interrogative: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Question_mark

Bikkie

3rd January 2018, 05:36

It's an insult though.

Akzle

3rd January 2018, 06:04

It's an insult though.

you clearly don't comprehend how insults work. which corroborates my theory that you're mildly retarded.

FJRider

3rd January 2018, 08:23

No not looking for sickest joke thead.

Post #949 ... you started your own ... ;)

FJRider

3rd January 2018, 08:27

It's an insult though.

Do you find ALL questions insulting ... ??? if you do ... perhaps ... :blank:

FJRider

3rd January 2018, 08:38

No need for the insult!

It was a question. If you see it as an insult ... perhaps he was correct ...

T.W.R

3rd January 2018, 08:42

It was a question. If you see it as an insult ... perhaps he was correct ...

Are you bored or something?

FJRider

3rd January 2018, 08:44

Are you bored or something?

:yes: ................

T.W.R

3rd January 2018, 08:53

:yes: ................

:lol: Figured! , You need a hobby :rolleyes: Oh wait, hang on as you were :niceone:

Bikkie

4th January 2018, 05:36

And there you have it an insult from T.W.R. And no i'm not bored. How can you be bored by posting jokes?o

Bikkie

4th January 2018, 05:40

I'm sorry AKZLE i thought it was an insult,but yes you were only asking a question.
Have A Good Day.

Akzle

4th January 2018, 06:22

And there you have it an insult from T.W.R. And no i'm not bored. How can you be bored by posting jokes?o

no need to apologise at all.

none of the things you're taking umbrage at are actually targeted at you.

perhaps you can't see quoted content, somehow. or are blind? foreign? or mildly retarded?

T.W.R

4th January 2018, 08:51

no need to apologise at all.

none of the things you're taking umbrage at are actually targeted at you.

perhaps you can't see quoted content, somehow. or are blind? foreign? or mildly retarded?

Obviously got up too early and can't read :msn-wink:

Akzle

4th January 2018, 11:13

How can you be bored by posting jokes?o

...and that's all you do on KB. like, ever.
why?

FJRider

4th January 2018, 11:25

And there you have it an insult from T.W.R. And no i'm not bored. How can you be bored by posting jokes?o

This post confirms you are (at least) mildly retarded. The post he quoted (and I did reply to it) was mine ... :facepalm:

Remember ... the world is not always about you ... :lol:

You might understand the content (and context) of posts better ... if you learn to read ... ;)

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 05:44

no need to apologise at all.

none of the things you're taking umbrage at are actually targeted at you.

perhaps you can't see quoted content, somehow. or are blind? foreign? or mildly retarded?

I couldn't see the quoted content.Got up too early.

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 05:47

This post confirms you are (at least) mildly retarded. The post he quoted (and I did reply to it) was mine ... :facepalm:

Remember ... the world is not always about you ... :lol:

You might understand the content (and context) of posts better ... if you learn to read ... ;)

I know the world is not about me or you or any other person. So I don't how you got that idea?

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 05:48

...and that's all you do on KB. like, ever.
why?

Because I like to share the humour.

sidecar bob

5th January 2018, 05:49

It's a joke thread, could you please take your childish bickering elsewhere.

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 06:03

...and that's all you do on KB. like, ever.
why?

Because I like to share the humour.

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 06:04

It's a joke thread, could you please take your childish bickering elsewhere.

Sorry sidecar bob these guys are spoilling it.
Have A Good Day.

Bikkie

5th January 2018, 06:05

Why does a bride smile while walking down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.

Bikkie

6th January 2018, 04:23

Why is it that a lot of Ford car names sound better when you put "anal" in front of them?
probe,Ranger,Explorer,Escort,Fiesta,Galaxy and Cougar.

Newtons third law of Emotion:For every male action there is a female overreaction.

Last night watching children in need the presenter said,"Pick up your phone and pledge."
I sat there for fucking hours with phone in one hand and tin of polish in the other
wondering what the hell do I do now.

Yoko Ono is a better survivalist than Ray Mears or Bear Grylis.
She's been surviving off one dead Beatle since 1980.

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar.

Bikkie

7th January 2018, 04:40

I'm so old,I remember when water was free
and you had to pay for porn.

It was so cold this morning that I actually saw a socialist
with his hands in his own pockets.

Coffee and cocaine.
It seems the only reason
Columbia exists is to
wake the rest of the world up...

"I'm sorry for your loss," I said to the guy
taking flowers into
the funeral palour
"Thanks mate",he
laughed,"But I'm just
delivering for
Interfloral." "I know,
and some kid has just
stolen your van."

I ask people why they
say prolly,they say
because it's shorter
than probably,,,
When I get asked to
do something,I just
say No,because it's
shorter than yes...

Bikkie

9th January 2018, 06:15

Just checking
on you...
I heard a loud pop
and thought you may
have pulled your head
out of your arse.

When someone says
"Expect the unexpected"
slap them and say
"You didn't expect
that,did you?"

If he is willing to
give you the moon
and stars
you should be
willing to
sacrifice uranus.

Bikkie

11th January 2018, 05:44

Mirrors
don't lie
and lucky for you
they don't laugh.

My wife sucked an
electric cord into the
vaccum cleaner and I
couldn't get it
working again."A
real man would be
able to fix it," she
sneered, "A real
woman wouldn't fuck
up the hoovering."
I replied.

Bikkie

12th January 2018, 05:24

At a U2 concert in
Glasgow Scotland
[ Bono ] asked the
audience for total quiet
then,in the silence he
started to slowly clap
his hands,and every few
seconds,holding the
audience in total
silence,he said into the
microphone,"Everytime
I clap my hands,a child
dies." From the front of
the crowd a voice with
a broad scottish accent
pierced the quiet,"Well
fuckin stop doin it
then,Ya evil bastard!"

Bikkie

13th January 2018, 05:40

F.A.S.T.F-Face-is
the face black?
A-Arms-Do they
wander picking up
objects not belonging
to them? S-Speech-Are
they saying "Arks"
instead of "Ask" T-Time
to call the cops.
They are a Nigger.

I will never foget the
day I got married.I've
tried everything: drugs,alcohol,
even hyposis.

How's my New Years
resolution going so far?
Well allow me to explain.

Exercise Exercis Exerci Exerc
Exer Exe Ex Ext Extr
Extra Extra la Extra
lar Extra larg
Extra large Extra large d
Extra large do Extra
large don Extra large done
Extra large doner kebab.

Bikkie

16th January 2018, 05:52

AS a proud scot,I like
to wear the kilt or as
my neighbour's kids
call it....snakey's
Magic Tartan
Playtent.

I just found out
cockfighting involves
chickens...six months of
training wasted.

Akzle

18th January 2018, 16:04

there's no shortage of midgets

Bikkie

19th January 2018, 06:07

What separtes the
humans from the
animals?
The Mediterranean sea.

Drugs and alcohol are
never the answer.
Unless someone asks
me "What are you
doing this weekend?"

I've got a black peppper
grinder.Bit
extravagant,but he'd
only be out mugging if
I wasn't employing
him.

As much of a
thrill-seeker as I am,I
would never bungee
jump,I came into this
world because of a
broken rubber and I'm
not going out because
of one.

"That woman who
played Pussy Galore in
the Bond flims has
split her fanny open."
said Paddy to Mick.
"Honor Blackman?"
Replied Mick. "No"
said Paddy. "On a
massive fucking
dildo.

Teacher: "Now class,if
I have have 5 plums in my
right hand and 7 plums
in my left hand.What
does that give me?"
Little Johnny:"The shits,Miss."

Bikkie

20th January 2018, 04:19

A pharmacist walked into his shop
to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?",he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup,but I
couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist,"You
can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.......he dare not
cough now!!

Bikkie

30th January 2018, 05:57

My girfriend tried to
make me have sex on
the hood of her
Honda civic....But I
refused.If I'm going
to have sex,it's going
to be on my own
Accord.

Without JFK America
has become a *uc*ing
*o*e.

PEOPLE IN GLASS
HOUSES...SHOULDN'T
THROW SEX
PARTIES!!!

I always read my
wife's horoscope to
see what kind of day
I'm going to have.

"Belinda Carlisle sing,"We
dream the same dream,"But
I can't believe that every night
Belinda Carlisle has a wet
dream about Wilma
Flintstone."

Women logic-
Wearing a reavling
black dress to protest
Hollywood sexual
abuse.

Jase H

30th January 2018, 08:22

The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad, has died at the age of 91.

Will the coffin be flat packed?

Bikkie

31st January 2018, 04:45

Germany has been
testing the effects of
diesel fumes on
humans and monkeys.
Well if any country is
qualifed to test the
effects of gas on living
things then I guess
that would be Germany.

Adolf Hitler's mercedes
is up for auction.
I bet it's good on the gas.

Coming soon,the
quickest Ikea
assembly ever.The
reading of Ingvar
Kamprad's will.

How do you confuse
Stevie Wonder? Glue
all the door knobs to a
wall.

Just as we finished our
meal,I said to my Korean date,"c'mon
let's go back to mine
and have a bit of
doggy." She said,
"Fuck off I'm stuffed."

Bikkie

3rd February 2018, 04:46

Medical Fact:
If a woman
drinks two glasses of wine
a day it increases the
chance of a stroke.If you
let her finish the bottle
she'll probably suck it as
well.

Sex is like COOKING
Everyone can do it.
But only some
people make it
Delicious.

I'm on the seaweed
diet
Everytime I see
weed I smoke it.

After several
attempts,I've finally
had sex with my
girlfriend on the back
of a motorcycle.It
was a Triumph.

I asked a girl in a bar
if she was interested
in having sex with
me. "I rather go
home and
masturbate" she
abruptly replied.I
said,"Fine
let's do
that."

What's the leading
cause of dry skin?
Towels.

Little Johnny is
sitting in front of the
tv watching a
program about NASA.
"I wish I could be shot
into space." he said.
"You would have
been if your father
had done what he was
told." replied his
mother.

Bikkie

6th February 2018, 05:03

Did you know the first
French fries weren't
actullay cooked in France?
They were cooked in
Greece.

Bikkie

9th February 2018, 05:08

"Paul Simon to retire
from touring after up
coming tour" At
last The Sound Of Silence!

Bikkie

6th March 2018, 05:40

After sex last night
my girlfriend said
"Your easliy the
biggest I've ever
had."
Appartently
"ditto" wasn't the
correct response!

Bikkie

10th March 2018, 05:50

My ex-girlfriend was so talkative and slutty
I once said to her,"Shut up hoe,your legs
are like that Taylor Swift song...They're
never getting back together."

I met a girl at the bar and she said she
wanted the night to be "Magical"
So I fucked her twice and Disappeared!

How deep is the average vagina?
Deep enough for a man to lose his
house,his car, his life savings....

Stoners should
adopt retired police dogs
so they can always find their stash.

I bought my Italian boss a
present....A tie with a large
eye printed on it....And that
my friends,is
how you do subtle racism.

I dunno why woman
are always bragging
about being able to
multi-task.It's really
just a side effect of
their complete
inabilty to make up
their mind.

I looked up an old
girlfriend the other
day.One of the perks
of being a
gynaecologist.

When I was still in
high school I was
found in possion of
cocaine and got given
a hundred lines.Fuck
those were the days.

My wife's into S&M
She sleeps I
masturbate.

What's the closest
thing to a woman's
period? Your salary-
It comes once a
month,lasts between
5 and 7 days and if it
doesn't come you're
fucked!

We can all agree Jimmy Saville
was a terrible human being but
he did do great work backstage
at top of the pops.Rumour has it
he introduced Cream to Small Faces.