Share your txt jokes

[ynot slow]

Just been sent a text as follows.

Just dropped a girl home this morning,she was a gorgeous Pakistany chick,after screwing her I scratched her red dot and won a commodore.:2thumbsup

[Smokin]

Woman are like parking spaces, sometimes all the good one's are taken so when no one's looking you have to stick it in a disabled one.

[Drew]

All mine are rascist in nature, cos just one fella sends me jokes and he's of the darker skin toned variety.

Let me know if people will be offended before I post them.

[Smokin]

There are 3 dolls in a mans life.
His daughter... Babydoll
His Mistress ... Barbiedoll
and his Wife... Panadol

[Smokin]

Why can't a man ever please a woman?

Because no man has a dick made of chocolate which ejaculates money!!

[MyGSXF]

It was the best day of my life.. arrived at church.. husband waiting at the alter.. walked up the isle.. kissed him on the cheek.. smiled.. and CLOSED THE FUCKING LID!!!!!!!!! :finger:

[MyGSXF]

Happy Birthday.. I was gonna send u somethin HOT, HORNY and SEXY AS HELL!!!! but da postman told me to take the stamps off my arse & get the fuck OUT OF THE POSTBOX!!!!!!!!!! :devil2:

[MyGSXF]

A reasent studdi haz chown thet peapel hoo aar fukinn amezin in bed.. r krap ad spalling :rolleyes:

[Smokin]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Smokin]

I was thinking about you the other day, I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread, Then when I looked closer I realised it said "Thick Cut" not "Thick Cunt"

[Drew]

If you have sex with a prostitute, without her consenting, is that rape...or shop lifting?

[MSTRS]

Someone told my to watch out for you. That you were two faced.
I said Bullshit! If you were two faced, why would you use the ugly one all the time?

[Reckless]

women standing in front of the mirrior getting ready to go out.
My arse is fat, my boobs are drooping and Im looking old
Say something nice to me she says to her husband.
Well darling he said you've got bloody good eyesight!

[MSTRS]

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Oh good...all the buttons are working

[YellowDog]

Wife naked in front of mirror: "I want bigger boobs - Pay for a boob job."
Husband: "Save money, just rub toilet paper between the ones you have."
Wife: "Why do you think that will make them bigger?"
Husband: "It seems to have done the trick with your arse. Must be worth a try!"

[cowboyz]

sexy fairy appears in front of a young lady and grants her 2 wishes,
she asks for for big tits and a a tight cunt,
fairy gave her 36DD tits and your mobile number.

[cowboyz]

man says to mate, "have you fucked my wife"
mate says "definitely not"
man says "you should, shes a better fuck than yours."

[onearmedbandit]

Guess what, I've just won a trip to Fiji for me and two mates. Seeing as we go back so far, do you mind mowing my lawns while I'm away?

Great news mate, found a prostitue who charges by the inch. I can't afford her but it will be a cheap root for you.

[SpeedyGirl]

Why can't blondes waterski??

Because as soon as they get wet they think its time to lie down!

[Smokin]

There is Hot Sex, Fast Sex, Oral Sex, Fruit Sex, Safe Sex, Leather Sex, Phone Sex, Group Sex, Kinky Sex.

And for people with a face like yours there's wanking.

[T.W.R]

law of contract fucking:
Any fuck that has been fucked, can be re-fucked if the fucker and the fuckee agree that the fuck which was fucked was a fucking good fuck

[What?]

This is a chain txt. 4ward 2 15 ppl in the next 6 seconds and fuck all will happen to you.
I did, and fuck all happened to me.

[Mrs Cowboyz]

George Gregan goes to the doctor and complains
That he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror.
“Im not surprised” said the doctor ”You’re a cunt”


Head your with fucked just has me like
Cunt clever a that realised have you that moment this at is it.
Now read it backwards.

[Mrs Cowboyz]

Man walks into a clock shop and sees a lovely assistant.
He slaps his dick on the counter. She says It’s a clock shop sir!
I know, put 2 hands and a face on that!

Maori alphabet…….A.C.C….D.P.B…..K.F.C………D.B…..
T.A.B…D.I.C….& W.I.N.Z…Now I know my ABC
I want to claim the whole country!

[Smokin]

Bloke goes to Amsterdam red light district and ask's for a woman with saggy tit's, Big belly and saddle bag piss flaps.

Kinky then sir?

No he say's, Fucken home sick.

[Smokin]

What are doing next weekend?
We are making the world's biggest salad and we need a tosser.
Can you come?

[Smokin]

Just been to the Gym and theres a new machine there.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick, It's good though, It's got Kit kat's, Mars bars, Chips, everything

[Smokin]

Hey, Can you do me a favor?
When you get a chance text me back cause I've got a friend here that doesn't believe retarded people can text.

[EJK]

All mine are rascist in nature, cos just one fella sends me jokes and he's of the darker skin toned variety.

Let me know if people will be offended before I post them.

Green light

Go ahead, try us lol

[skelstar]

Mate: "Hey you hear that chick from Cruel Intentions got stabbed? Reese something..."
Me: "Witherspoon?!?!"
Mate: "No... with a knife!"

[Drew]

I heard an intruder broke into your house the other night and gave you an ultimatum, "Give me your phone, or suck my dick!"

I see you still have your phone.

[MIXONE]

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?

[MIXONE]

How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
She starts with "a man once told me....."

[Drew]

I'm soory it took so long to text you back, but there was a blackout in our street, and it took a while for the sharp shooters to get him.

[NZsarge]

I'm gonna go down on you and you're gonna love it, it's only gonna be long enough for you to start to enjoy it then i'll come back up and fuck you big time.

Yours sincerely, Petrol prices.

[Wheeliemonsta]

Teacher draws penis on blackboard
Anyone know what this is ?
Little Johnny says "My dad has two, a little one for weeing & a big one for cleaning the Baby Sitters teeth"... !

[Stirts]

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

[MSTRS]

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I'm gunna convert to Islam. Need to change my name. Choice is Seldm bin layd or I bin getn f'al

[MSTRS]

Samoan father asks his daughter who got her pregnant. So she asks him if he knows which meal made him fat.

[nodrog]

Man comes home and finds wife in bed with his mate. He stabs him to death! Wife says "that was a silly thing to do, carry on like that & you'll have no mates left!"

[Stirts]

Vodafone regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network :cold:

[MSTRS]

Are you a man or a woman? For more info look down
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Look down, not scroll...thicko!!

[TOTO]

You: Do you know what is TULS backwords ?
Mate: ammm...SLUT !
You: Do you know what a SLUT backwords is ?
Mate: Ammm...TULS ?
You: Na ...100 bux !

[cheese]

Read this out loud

I yam wee tar did
I yam so wee tar did
I yam sofa king fik.

If you don't get it read it out to a mate.

[MSTRS]

Ten men were in an ID line-up. The rape victim comes in and Paddy, the only Irishmen there calls out "Yea - that's her"

[Lissa]

Why should u never throw your old viagra out onto the lawn?
It causes the worms 2 go rock hard and they fuck your lawnmower!

[nodrog]

Valentines: Flowers $80, dinner and movie $130, hotel room $200, the look on your face when she says she has her period, PRICELESS!

[Finn]

Just sent to me...

Sorry to bother u but this is quite urgent! Are you able to come to a charity pancake competition tonight? Organisers have the pans and ingredients, they just need a tosser.

[Naki Rat]

I got a sweater for Xmas. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
:bleh:

[Naki Rat]

Thank you for your order in our sex shop, you asked for the large red vibrator in our wall display. Please reselect as that is our fire extinguisher!:gob:

[Finn]

I've started the new alcohol diet! It's fucken great... I've lost 3 days in the first week.

[Stirts]

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
Ohh baby i get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

[BIHB@0610]

hhhhiiii issss ttthhhatt thhee ssexxxx shoppp thattt selllls ttthe bbiggg blackkkk vibbrattttorss??? I bbbougghttt onnne yesssterdddday, hhhooww ddoo Iii ttturrrn tthhe fffuckkkingg thhinggg offffff????

[Stirts]

sing a song of bum sex an ass full of cum 4&20 fat cocks forced up yer bum. when the orgy is over & your bum begins to sting.
wasnt it a bad idea to take it up the ring

[ynot slow]

Congratulations from www.sweetshop.com,you have won the weight of your dick in sweets.

To collect your tictac go to www.tinydick.com.

[ynot slow]

Bad taste due to events lately but shows the warped sense of humour out there,this sent to me yesterday evening.


The chopper pilot who crashed into placemakers was unlucky,had he crashed into mitre 10 he'd be ok as everyone comes out better off at mitre 10.:shit:

[the mouse]

23 people have been reported found stuck to the walls and ceiling of a train station in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first "No More Nails" bomb.

[flyingcrocodile46]

People who fuck Australians














are too lazy to masturbate

[Wheeliemonsta]

A new vibrator out for just out for women is so realistic that just before she reaches her climax, it cums, farts, goes limp & switches itself off !!!

************************************************

A recent study asked women if there asshole twitched after sex... ?

98 % said no, he just lies there scratching his balls !!!

************************************************

I lay in bed the other night looking at the clear sky & endless horizon...

And in that moment of absolute tranquility I thought...

Where the fucks my roof !!!

************************************************

Husband & wife go for marriage guidance...

When asked by the councellor if they had anything at all in common the husband replied "Yes, neither of us suck cocks" !!!

*************************************************

Scientists have discovered the average cock weighs about 8 ounces but cant decide what the average cunt wieghs...

Pop on the scales & ring me back please !!!

:laugh: :lol: :killingme :rofl:

[chrisso]

People who fuck Australians














are too lazy to masturbate HaHa --sad, but true:clap::clap:

[nodrog]

whats the best thing about fucking a transvestite?

Reaching around the front and thinking its gone all the way through.

[Smokin]

Hey, remember that time we were on the train and you stuck your head out the window and I stuck my arse out the window and everyone thought we were twins.

[MSTRS]

Had a wank over an ex-girlfriend the other night....I still have a key...and she's a heavy sleeper.

[the mouse]

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself with laughter when you fell off a cliff.


Head your with fu##ed just has me like cu#t a that realised have you that moment this at is it. Now read this backwards.

[MSTRS]

Went to see a friend's new baby yesterday. She asked me if I'd like to wind it. I thought 'Fuck me, that's a bit harsh". So I gave it a dead leg instead.

[Wheeliemonsta]

Whats the difference between a Walrus & a hardcore Dyke...?

One has a moustache & smells of fish - the other is a Walrus !!!

************************************************

Went to the cemetary the other day & saw four men carrying a coffin...

Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin & I thought to myself they've lost the fucking plot !!!

*************************************************

Little girl was crying in Farmers because she'd lost her Mum...

Security gaurd asked "Whats ya Mum like...?"

The little girl replied "Big cocks & Vodka" !!!



Cheers

:rockon:

[MSTRS]

The recent event in Albany was not a kidnapping. It was a just another chinese takeaway.

[I'm motarded]

Hey can you Help me? Iv just been arrested for possession........ of good looks cops said I need an ugly bugger to bail me out, can you hurry?

[I'm motarded]

A cannibal is found crying next to a large pile of shit. His mate asks whats wrong? The cannibal replies I've just dumped my girlfriend

[I'm motarded]

scientists have discovered that the average cock weighs 8 ounces but cant decide what the average cunt weighs, can you pop on the scales and tex me back?

[driftn]

People have been talking about you but i stuck up for ya.
They were saying you like dick sandwiches. I said "no! you dont like bread"

[icekiwi]

What do you call a polynesian full of shit
Fartoo Fulofeaces...

[icekiwi]

I keep getting my profile rejected on that dating site Match.com,
One of the questions is What do you want in a woman?
Apparently 'My Cock" is not an answer....

[firefighter]

A racist one....

What do you do when you see a black man coming out of the bush all covered in blood?................

Stay calm........re-load

[Tank]

why dont you run over a Maori when you see him riding a pushbike.

It could be your bike.

[icekiwi]

Why was the Papal visit held at Randwick Racecourse?
Cause its the only place you can legaly ride 3yr old....

[fatzx10r]

i just finished my first novel, its about siamese twins joined at the nose. its called "what the fuck are you looking at?"

[icekiwi]

Today a man was admitted to middlemore hospital with a toy horse jammed up his arse.....
Doctors describe his condition as stable.....

[rottiguy]

A guy goes into a bar and walks up to a chick " ya want a fuck" she says " sorry I'm on my menstrual cycle" he says " sweet I'm on my scooter I'll follow you home"

[325rocket]

whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
you cant "marmalade" your cock up your girlfriends arse.

[Patrick]

Bruce walks into the room with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache. His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." He says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

Man robs bank and takes hostages. Asks first man "did you see me rob the bank?" Man says yes, he shoots him in the head. Asks 2nd man "did you see me rob the bank?" "No, but my wife did."

What does it mean when your wife is naked on all fours with cum dribbling out of both sides of her mouth? The floor is level.

[Goblin]

Sidecar bob walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to have BMW tattooed on his cock. Tattooist says your better to have Land Rover with the amount of shit it's been through.

[madandy]

Woman visits her Doctor and say 'my vagina keeps singing waltzing matilda'!!
Doctor says 'don't worry luv, a lot of cunts are singing that lately.'

[ynot slow]

One sent recently to me.

Three tampons,tampax,libra and stayfree are walking down the street,which one stops and says hello to you?

None they're all stuck up cunts.

[oldguy]

New sex position called RODEO...Get in2 doggy style & hold her breasts, then tell her they feel like her sisters and try holding on for 7 seconds.

[Spicer]

Next time u call in sick 2 work,tell them u have "Anal Blindness" If they ask what's that? Tell them "I can't see my arse comin into work 2day"

[kevfromcoro]

An abo walks into a bar with a segull on his shoulder
where did you get that says the barman
seagull replies
plenty more down at the tip

[mdnzz]

Gorgeous blond just asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said in all honesty I'm more into shaved fannies these days. Apparently this is not an acceptable answer at KFC!!..



Why do oysters improve your sex life.....coz if you'll eat that shit you'll eat anything.......


I'm getting sick of charity collectors, other day some woman from the sperm bank was knocking on my door. I can tell you I gave her a right mouthful....


If sometimes you feel a little useless or dissapointed just remember YOU were once the fastest and most victorious sperm outta millions....


Wife comes home to find her hubby shaggin a midget. She screams you lying bastard you told me you wouldn't cheat on me again. He say calm down can't you see I'm trying to cut down??..


Genetic scientists in the USA have used genes from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzanegger to create a clone. They have named it Michael Wasanigger!!..

[kevfromcoro]

in a recent survey into blowjobs,, and why men like them so much,, 13% liked the feeling,9% liked the excitement,,and 78% just liked the fucking silence

[naughtygirl]

American scientists have used DNA from Michael Jackson and Arnald Schwarznegger, to make a clone.
They have named it Michael Wazanigger.

[MSTRS]

Why are Vegetarian women silent during sex?
Because they are in shock!!
They can't believe that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.

[MSTRS]

Burt Munroe may have owned the world's fastest Indian....
...but the Fox Glacier owned the 2 slowest.

[old git]

Burt Munroe has the worlds fastest Indian..............Fox Glacier has the worlds slowest two...!!!

[MSTRS]

My wife was off to the supermarket...
"What do you need?"
"Deodorant"
"Ball type?"
"Nah...just the under-arm"

[nodrog]

Sonny Fai has left the warriors, he is now with the sharks.

[slofox]

Burt Munroe may have owned the world's fastest Indian....
...but the Fox Glacier owned the 2 slowest.

That is TERRIBLE!!!...You oughta be ashamed...when I can get off the floor and back onto my chair I will reprimand you thoroughly.....:rofl::killingme:rofl::killingme:

[MSTRS]

...You oughta be ashamed...

I know. I should. And as for Gordie....

[slofox]

I know. I should. And as for Gordie....

I'm still laughing dammit......

[CB ARGH]

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch. :whistle:

[Trumpess]

Someone snitched on us and the cops are looking for a sexy motherfucker and a retard. They already have me so grab your helmet and crayons and run buddy run!


************************************************** *******


I heard someone checked into the psych ward wearing a thong and riding a goat. .... I'll come and get you but this is the fuckin last time!

[MSTRS]

A (racial minority of your choice) was run over by a truck, outside my house. I thought, Gosh that could have been me. Then I remembered - I can't drive a truck.

[Spicer]

Spunky blonde just asked me if i prefer legs or breasts.I said i'm more in2 shaved fannys.Apparanlty this is not an acceptable answer at KFC

[Buster]

I will no longer be forwarding any racist jokes. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


:innocent:

[eelracing]

A girl and boy are playing hide and seek
the girl sends boy a txt "if you find me,you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the ass,and if you can't...i'm in the shed."


What's the difference between a washing machine and your missus?
You don't have to hug the washing machine after you'v thrown a load in it.


A bloke in a public loo see's a priest with a nicotine patch on his cock...
"Hey does that really work"
"Yeah,"say's the priest "i'm down to two butts a day."

[fatzx10r]

a girl goes to a shop and buy's 1 apple, 1 milk and 1 pie. the grocer say's "single huh" the girl replies "how did you know" he say's... "cos you're fuckin ugly"

[Spicer]

3 Guys at strip bar.Dancer crouchs,Irishman puts $10 on breast,Pakeha puts $20 in G.string,Maori pulls out ATM Card and swipes her ass and takes the $30.



When the moon hits your eye,like a bigga pizza pie,that's amore,but when your hit by a jug in a south auckland pub, that's a-maori.



A maori walks into a jewellers and begins 2 finger his arse.Jeweller screams "GET OUT",maori points 2 sign "come in and pick ure ring in comfort.

[Swampdonkey]

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch. :whistle:

....a baby seal walks into a club........

[Goblin]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[batboy]

Police were called to an incident of a man smashing coconuts on the side of the road, when asked what he was doing he replied " Killing the fuckers before they hatch"

[fatzx10r]

boy goes to a shop and buys a pussy flavored ice cream but doesnt like it. so he takes it back says it tastes like shit....shop owner says take shorter licks

[jimichelle]

I shagged a deaf mute last night when i woke up i felt really ashamed so i broke all her fingers so she wouldnt tell anyone!

[Spicer]

A Klu Klux clan member has just had his rottweiler chipped.It is now up to 10 niggerbytes a day.



Boy sees mum in shower,ask what that hairy thing is? That's my possum! Boy says grandmas got one 2 but it must be dead because the tongues hangin out!



A baby monkey asked his Mum,"Why are we so ugly?" Mum replied "Son,thank God we look like this,You should see the poor cunt reading this message!



My girlfriend wanted me to make love 2 her like in the movies.So i stuck it in her arse and cum on her face.She got mad.I guess we don't watch the same movies.


This sex,is sex,a sex,good sex,way sex,2 sex,keep sex,a sex,thick sex,cunt sex,busy sex,4 sex.20 sex seconds sex. READ IT ALL AGAIN WITH OUT THE SEX

[Spicer]

African boxer jigabo wogchops has just returned 2 boxing after losing his feet in an accident.He has now recorded 10 wins without defeet.



Sexual position 69er is now called 96er.Due to inflation,the cost of eating out has gone up.

Baa baa Big Cock,Have u any sperm? Yes Man,yes Man,2 balls firm.None 4 the girlfriend & none 4 the ex.All 4 the dirty bitch who's readin this txt....



I have 3 bitches:Bitch#1 cooks,cleans and does my laundry,Bitch #2 gives me great sex,and bitch#3 reads my text msgs,Wuz up my bitch...?



Twinkle twinkle throbing knob,how she loves it the gob...but when the knob begins 2 twitch,she spits it out,the selfish bitch.

[Squid]

A vicar books into the hotel room an says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled" she replies, "no its just regular porn you sick bastard"

[Squid]

Blond takes her car to the mechanic for repair, mechanic fixes it in two minutes "just shit in the air filter" he says. Blond replys "how often do I do that?"

[kevfromcoro]

A man walks outside and sees his neighbour shaking a rug.
He yells out..
Hey Abdul..
Wont it start

[MIXONE]

The secret service are having a nightmare training the new president against terrorist attacks.Every time they shout"GET DOWN' the stupid fucker starts dancing.

[Spicer]

2 guys in loo see a poofter with a nicotine patch on his cock.Hey does that really work? "Yeah" says the poofter I'm down to 2 butts a day.


Man shagging wife says:Bend over babe we'll try the W.I.N.Z position. What the fucks that she says? When my balls touch your ass your getting THE FULL BENEFIT.


Man says 2 wife ure ass is the size of a 3 burner BBQ. L8r in bed man says 'how bout a bit" Wife says "no fuck'n point lighting a BBQ for half a sausage"

5 Things not to say in a gay bar,-well fuck me,-bottoms up,-can someone push my stool in,-can i bum a fag,- and i'll toss you for the next round.

[Squid]

Sorry not quite the short txt joke you where expecting, jus got this emailed to me at work....

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[Spicer]

2 whakes overturn a ship usin their blow holes.Shall we eat the crew asked mr whale absolutely not said mrs whale.I do blow jobs but i dont swallow seamen


some girls beg & some girls borrow,some girls lead & some girls follow,some bring joy & some bring sorrow,but all the best girls suck then swallow..


Black man went 2 dr said im addicted 2 jogging dr said sniff this white powder.Black man asks is it cocaine no said dr its persil it stops colours running.

[Spicer]

Woman buys a wall mirror from bunnings.The manager says,"Do you want a screw for that?" 'No,she said...but i'd suck your cock for a lawn mower!"


I just got band from bunnigs.Sum cunt in a red apron came up 2 me an askd if i wantd decking,Luckly i got the first punch in...


Teacher says give me a word starting with u,johnny says urinate! teacher says use it in a sentence,my dad said ur an 8 but if u had bigger tits urd b a 10!



My new muslim girlfriend keeps talking about a blow job.I dont know weather to get my cock out or warn London Transport....

[Spicer]

I askd god 4 world peace & he said I cant its impossible! so i askd god 2 make u good lookin,he said 'dude,let me world peace"


Never screw a Police woman,she'll say STOP HANDS UP! Never screw a nurse, she'll say NEXTPLEASE Always screw a Teacher she'll say NOW REPEAT THAT 5 TIMES.


Wife reads an article,"Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year...I wish u could do the same" Hubby repiles,"Ask the bull weather he FUCKS the same cow!

At 30 a womans vagina is like a peach,round & firm.At 40 its like an avocado pear,soft & over ripe.At 50 its like an onion,u look at it & want 2 fuckin cry!

[Spicer]

2 rats in a sewer-one says "Im fucking sick of it.Shit for breakfast,shit for lunch & shit for tea." The other rat says "Cheer up we'll hit the piss later.


Elton John goes 2 tattooist,asks 4 tattoo of a car on his penis.The guy asks wot type of car? Elton says,make it a 4WD, it could GET MUDDY.

Rangi foned his boss monday morng says he cudnt go 2 work cos he had bird flu.Boss sez,How da hell u get bird flu? Rangi told him 2 many Tui's bro!


VAGINA POEM: This is a hole that never heals the more u rub it the better it feels and all the soap from here 2 hell will never get rid of that fuckin smell.

[Laava]

You are invited to this years annual Premature Ejaculation Society dinner. No dress code, just come in your pants!

[Squid]

What do you do if a Irish man through's a pin at you? ... ... you run cause he's got a grenade in his mouth.

The first time I slept with my misses I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought where the fuck is my roof??

!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
England sending ... ... ... Replacements

[MSTRS]

My wife announced that she was gunna pop over to help with feeding the victims of the NSW fires. I said to not bother...they'll be sick of burnt shit now.

[cowboyz]

I got a new rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door.
I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'

[Spicer]

After a man shagged a woman he told her in 9 months u will have a child.U will call him HERCULES.Woman replied in 9 days u will have a rash u will call it HERPIES.

Doctor says 2 lady 'ure knees r all blistered' she says,'Because i like it doggy style' Doc says 'Cant u do it any other style?' 'Oh i can but the dog cant'

Scientists have revealed 2 day that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. Its called TRYDIXAGAIN.

Man in bed with wife starts stroking her neck,her arms and legs stopping at her inner thigh,shes says KEEP GOING but he sez no i found the tv remote!

[Spicer]

Man in hotel bumps into womens boobs & says 'if ur heart is as soft as ur bosom u'll forgive me.She replies 'If ur cock is as hard as ur elbow i'm in room 43!!

A mum was cleaning her 12yr old son bedroom-finds a load of bondage gear-fetish mag She asks her hubby wot 2 do? Hubby sez wotever u do dont fuckin spank him.

Man lyin on a beach sunbathing naked with hat over his cock.Woman walks past sez if u were a gentlemen urd lift ur hat.He sez if u wernt ugly it lift itself.

I got a new Rolex 4 my birthday from the lesbian girls who live next door! I think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch!

[Spicer]

Woman found at Harvey Norman with bite marks in her vagina.They think Kelvinator.

'Give it here' 'NO ITS MINE' 'Let me have it' 'ITS MY TURN' 'You had it last' 'FUCK OFF' 'c'mon gimme it' 'NO WAY' Siamese twins havin a wank!

A 992 i TNU> bigut2 @ pnilim2 9m [ crack code by holding up to mirror.]

You like fucker dumb a is who person another to it send now, this read to trying time fucking your took you. Now read it backwards

Goodlooks catch the eye but good personality catch hearts.You are blessed with both! FLATTERED? Fuck off,it was sent to me.I just wanted u 2 read it.

[Squid]

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Coz it was taking the piss out of the underpants

Whats the fastest thing in the world?
A Maori with a free KFC voucher
Whats the 2ed fastest thing in the world?
The person he stole the voucher from....

[MSTRS]

The Sri Lankan cricket team had disappointing results in the latest test. They failed to fire and were five-down before lunch.

[twotyred]

The Sri Lankan cricket team had disappointing results in the latest test. They failed to fire and were five-down before lunch.

ouch...:eek5:

[fire eyes]

Happy New Year from the Alzheimers Club! Hope the Easter Bunny brings u heaps Ken, or is it Steve? Fuck it. Happy Birthday anyway.Enjoy the Labour Day Weekend.Whos this?

[fire eyes]

Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this:Ur a siamese twin joined at the hip.Ur brother is gay and ur not.His lover is coming ova & u only have one arse.

(hahahahahaha ... Im still crackin up laughin :lol::lol::lol:)

[twotyred]

This Friday is the annual cocksucking competition,we ask that you not enter this year,so that someone else has a chance at winning...

[1 Free Man]

Driving on ice is like having sex doggie style. One slip and you can really fuck up someones rear end.


man comes home and finds wife in bed with his mate. He stabs him to death! Wife says "that was stupid, carry on like that and you will have no mates left."


Woman tramper slides down gully & gets splinter in pussy.
Dr examines and departs. Returns with DOC permit to remove native timber from a recreational area.


Grandma do you still have sex? -only oral sex dear.
Whats oral sex?- I tell grandad to get fucked & he says fuck you too!!

The vagina is the best rehabilitation centre in the world, even the biggest, hardest, most violent pricks in the world, come out softened, humbled and reduced in size.


When U cry, no 1 sees your tears, when U R worried no 1 sees your pain, when U r happy no 1 sees your smile.
Try FARTING -- THEY ALL LOOK.


Woman gets 3 bunches of flowers after a fanny tuck.
1 from her husband, 1 from the surgeon and 1 from Eric in the burns unit to say thanks for the new ears!


how many woman does it take to change a lightbulb. Who fuck'n care they can do the dishes in the dark.


Driving instructor says to an aussie farmer "can you make a U turn?" Farmer replies "Listen mate....I can make it's fuck'n eyes water if I go in dry!"


85% of all maori males say they enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 15% havent been to prison yet.


One day in a land far far away ther lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bitch. But it was just one day and a fucking long time ago.


Christmas time valium and wine, children indulging in crime, with dad on the weed & mum high on crack Christmas is magic when your family is black.

[2much]

Huge natural disaster in Samoa,

US is sending money,
Aussie is sending aid,
NZ is sending replacement samoans

[2much]

Ur awoken by a noise, u get up to check it out and as u walk into the lounge u see ur tv floating in the air. What do u say?











Fucken drop it nigger!

[fatzx10r]

PICK UP LINE. "excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?"

[Spicer]

X-wife asked wot reincarnationi s.I explained wen u die u cum back as sumthing else.She said she wanted 2 cum back as a pig i said ur not fuckin listening.

What are the 6 standard penis sizes?
1.small
2 medium
3 large
4 oh my god
5 holy fuck
6 Excuse me is that available in white?

[hogfire]

Warning These will offend!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

[Cosmo]

Teacher asks science class what is reletive humidity.

Johnny the hillbilly answears - it's the sweat u get on yr balls when fucking yr sister.

[naphazoline]

Did you know that 20% of males suffer from sexual disorders.
Indecent exposure,
panty sniffing,
chronic masturbation.
HI. I'm (insert your textee's name here). Know me before you judge me.

[naphazoline]

A doctor,a lawyer,and a priest are on a plane,when the pilot suddenly turns to them and says,"quick.We're going down,and there's only three parachutes."

The doctor says,"What about the women and children?"
The lawyer says,"Fuck the women and children."
The priest says,"Ooohh....Have we got time?"



An englishman,an irishman,and a maori are talking about having sex with their partners.

The englishman says,"when i've finished having sex with my lady,she raises up 1 foot,and levitates above the bed."
The irishman says,"when i've finished having sex with my woman,she raises up and levitates 2 feet above the bed."
After a moment of silence,the 2 men ask the maori,"what about you?"
The maori says,"When i finished fucking my bitch,i wipe my cock on the curtain,and she hits the roof."

[Squid]

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Aye thats great lad, now fill 'er up with water."

[naphazoline]

Due to the ever decreasing numbers of members in The highway 61's,The filthy few,The black power,and The mongrel mob,they are going to join forces.

They are now called,The 61 filthy black mongrels.

[Stirts]

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!


Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.


But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.



There once was a vampire call Mabel
Whos mentral cycle was stable
One weekend in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table!


Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.


Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

[MSTRS]

Bluebird have just released their new line of slimmer's chippies. They taste of sperm so no-one will swallow them.

[ynot slow]

Jack in Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills' fanny,

Jack got a shock,and a mouthful of cock,

Cause Jills' a pre-op tranny.

[kevfromcoro]

HOW DO TELL when a niga is well hung....
ya cant get your fingers between the neck and the rope

[ynot slow]

And Jesus said to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross,"don't any of arseholes touch my fucken easter eggs,I'll be back on Monday for them".

[mujambee]

Why do men put weight when they marry?

Single man looks into fridge, same as ever, straight to bed.
Married man looks into bed, same as ever, straight to fridge.

[Hiflyer]

whats the difference between a maori and a speedbump? a maori has a job.

What do you call 10000 n***as at the bottom of the ocean? A start

What can a Pizza do that a n***a cant? Feed a family of 4

What’s long black and smells like shit? The line at WINZ

What do you call a Maori on a bike? A thief.

How many abo’s does it take to eat a possum? Two, 1 to eat, the other to look for traffic.



Sorry to those who I have offended.
and sorry if they have already been said

[fire eyes]

cuzzy sent this to me tonight hahahaha fk I cracked up laughingggggggggg


forward this text to 10 people and you will recieve .. FUCK ALL
thats right .. FUCK ALL
no good luck or nice surprises .. just FUCK ALL
try it .. it works ..
I tried it .. and I got ..
FUCK ALL

[shafty]

Husband: What would you do if we won Lotto?
Wife:Take my half then divorce you
Husband: Great, we've won Division 4, here's your $9 now Fuck Off!

[ynot slow]

Husband: What would you do if we won Lotto?
Wife:Take my half then divorce you
Husband: Great, we've won Division 4, here's your $9 now Fuck Off!

Like the time a guy says to a girl in a bar"would you have sex with me for $1,000000 yep she replied,$100000,no replied her,how about $10000,nope,how about $20000,nope was reply,what type of girl you think I am,his reply I know what type you are,just trying to find out how much.

[Stirts]

A family of 3 prossies live together, the mum charges £30 for a blowjob the daughter charges £60 + the gran is just glad of a warm drink.

The fanny poem
This is a hole that never heals, the more you rub it the better it feels, and all the soap from here to hell can never get rid of that fuckin smell!

[MSTRS]

Sex has been going downhill lately. So the wife has bought herself a vibrator. It's carrot-shaped, which is ironic because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

[MSTRS]

What does a pizza delivery driver and a gynaecologist have in common?
Both can smell what's in the box, but neither is allowed a taste.

[NZ CBR]

*Graphic*

What makes 9 out of 10 people happy??






Gang Rape

[NZ CBR]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?





A pilot you Racist!!!!

[kevfromcoro]

The teacher asked the class.

can anyone give me a sentence with the word incompletly.....

Johny stood up and said....

When me balls touch my girlfriends arse ..

I know iam incompletly............

[Spicer]

Bloke changing his tyre,His mate pulls up & asks "what happened'? "Ran over a bottle", "Did you not see it'?, "Na,fuckin maori had it hidden in his pocket."


Why do gorillas have such long faces? Because they know that in another 20 million years they will be maoris.


Maori walkin down the street with crate of beer & 2 sheets of corrugated iron. Mate says wot happened? Maori said wife got the kids, i got house & contents!

How can you tell when ure girlfriend is 2 fat? You can't hear the stereo when she sits on ure face.

[Spicer]

What do smoking cigarettes and licking pussy have in common? The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

Donald Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception & asks for comdons receptionist says shall i put them on ure bill? don't be thuckin thupid id thuffocate.

Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion.They have finally got a cock that brings tears 2 a womans eyes!

What is it that a duck can't do but a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his arse.

[Squid]

There was explosion in the pie factory in South Dunedin about 10 this morning.

3.14159 dead

[icekiwi]

A 2 seater aircraft crashed into an Irish cemertry a couple of days ago....
So far they have recoverd 378 bodies...

[MSTRS]

A naked man in front of the mirror, says to his wife "Why do I always get a hardon when I look at myself?" She replies "It's cos your cock thinks you're a cunt too"

[MSTRS]

6 retards wanking in a hot-tub. AKA cream of vegetable soup.

[MSTRS]

2 Irish soldiers in Iraq. Paddy steps on a mine and screams "Murphy, I've lost me legs!" Murphy says "Yore a fokin liar...they're over there"

[jack_hamma]

what is the difference between a train carriage and a miss carriage?



you cant eat a train carriage

[naphazoline]

1st we had the bird flu,and we had to kill millions of birds.
Then we got the swine flu,and will probably have to kill millions of pigs.

I can't wait till we get the asian flu.





Michael jackson at the birth of his son,said to his wife,"How long till we can have sex"?
Wife Debbie replies,"For fucks sake.Give him a chance to walk first"!!!



Uncle bob sees a shop with a sign in the window that says,"Pies.50cents,Wanks $1."
He asks the girl behind the counter,"are you the one who gives the wanks."
"Yes" she replies. "Well wash your fucking hands.I want a pie."




Mate,i'm a bit worried about you,and want you to go for a swine flu test.
I know you haven't been to mexico but FUCK ME,you have been with some pigs in your time!!

[kevfromcoro]

Think my wife is showing signs of the swine flu...

She got a ring through her nose... and stopped rooting

[gates]

my gran was telling me that men aren;t as polite & kind as they when she was young. I had to explain its because they;re not trying to fuck her anymore:yes:

[Squid]

Nude woman stands infront of mirror & says 2 her hubby
"I look fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
Hubby says ur eyesights fuckin spot on!



Did you heard about the man who was run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.

[Spicer]

Mick was in trouble after his wife asked him where he was taking her on her birthday.Apparently,"Up the arse," wasn't the right answer.

Man goes for a blood test.After nurse pricks his finger she sucks it.Man starts dancing about.Nurse asks why are you dancing?Man says.im having a urine test next.

Why is orgasm a 6 letter word? It's easier to spell than: ohmygodshityesdeeperyesgodnopleasenoshityesohfucki noyesyesyesshitohgodfuckinghellyes.

[FJRider]

Prayer of the aged.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and ...
the eyesight to be able to tell the difference...

[dasser]

My wife hasn't talked to me 4 six months. I considered leaving but women like that are hard to find.



Scientists are trying to cross an Abbo with a Maori.....They are hoping to breed something that is too fucking lazy to steal anything.


Doctors have discovered that single women can't fart. Apparently they don't have a arsehole until they get married.

[sparky.scott]

She should have laid still while Matty Johns fucked her. It is common knowledge that thrashing about and screaming only attracts more Sharks

[=cJ=]

So... a baby seal walked into a club....

[MisterD]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.

It's just spam.

[cheviot]

I've just found out I can still have wild athletic sex at 47. I'm so happy 'cos I live at 51 and it's not far to walk home.

[Spicer]

Fuckin Kiwi Rail are full of shit.At the train ststion a sign said if you stand 2 close to the edge you might get suckrd off.5 fuckin 5 hours i stood there!

Mick was in trouble after his wife asked him where he was taking her on her birthday. Apparently "Up the arse", wasn't the right answer,

[been_there]

A man was doing his girlfriend doggy style and then she farted!!
He just smiled, slapped her arse and said
"Hush little one your next"
:spanking:

[crazyhorse]

Bank Robber takes hostages. He asks the first man 'did you see me rob the bank?' Man says yes. He shoots him dead. He asks the second man 'did you see me rob the bank?' No, but my wife did.

[crazyhorse]

A man's wife came in wearing a sexy nighty. She told him "tie me up and do what you want". SO he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing:laugh:

[tigertim20]

A man's wife came in wearing a sexy nighty. She told him "tie me up and do what you want". SO he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing:laugh:

lol. I am still lolling. nice!:shit:

[Reckless]

One I just got!

The best engine in the world is the Pussy. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with one finger & every 4 weeks does its own oil change.

[ynot slow]

Public health warning.




If you're a bit short of money and running a lion park,it doesn't pay to scrimp on the cat food.

[Spicer]

Just watched antiques roadshow this old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "there you go you clever cunt tell me what period that's from?"

A mate of mine wuz goin down on a chick the other day an found peas an carrots in her pussy.He asked 'Are you sick?" 'No" she replied,"but the last guy was!

[jetboy]

I couldnt be bothered reaing thru the whole thread to see if this is on here already sorry, but I got this one today....and it works on me as I am Dutch:

A chick walks along the beach and finds a lamp in the sand, picks it up, rubs it and hey presto, a genie pops out.
Genie says "you have two wishes"
Chick thinks for a bit and says "I want huge tits"
Voila - she gets 12DD breasts instantly.
Genie says "and your secont wish?"
Chick says "oooh I want a tight cunt"
So the genie gave her your number

[crazyhorse]

Why do women wear knickers at work??

Because workplace Health and Safety require that all manholes must be covered when not in use.......

[MIXONE]

God created man and said"Perfect".
Next he created woman and said"Fuck that's going to need some make up".

[Spicer]

Pink Vagina :
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

SHOWTIME:
Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!



Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.
MOM:Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng. SON:got
my nose in her armpit. Now what

What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle? Answer: 'COCUNUT'

[crazyhorse]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

[Stirts]

What has a Gynocologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy got in common?

They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

[naphazoline]

What's the definition of embarrassment?.................................... .................................................. ......................
Running into a wall with an erection,and hitting your nose first!

[jtzzr]

Micheal Jackson has bought 10 cases of Glen Fiddich whiskey. Apparently the salesman said it was a cheeky 12 year old that went down well.

[naphazoline]

David bain has been selected for the All blacks in place of Richard kahui on the wing.

He's not very fast,but he'll leave the first 5 for dead!




There's a new drinking game called the David bain game.

Run around the block as fast as you can carrying newspapers come back and have a shot in each room.

[Eurodave]

David Bain was a bit hungry after doing his paper route so he goes to KFC & says to the girl behind the counter

'I could murder a family pack'

[Laava]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[Spicer]

If a blowjob makes ure day? What does anal sex do? It make ure hole weak.

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off ure granny.It feels great but don't look down.

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus.

What's the odd one out?
A.Washing machine,B.Toaster,C.Women,D.freezer.
Answer: Its the toaster.Its the only one that doesn't drip when its fucked.

[Squid]

David Bain applied for a job today. It was in the freezing works and though he admitted to no experience on the chain he did have home kill experience.

[Spicer]

A man goes to a fancy dress party naked with a glass jam jar on his cock.The host asks what the hell are you?The man replies im a fireman.Break glass,pull knob and ill come asap.

Women are just like orange juice cartons its not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is it's getting those fucking flaps to open
.
Please turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H



Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so i can suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

[Spicer]

Renault and Ford merge 2 build new small car.Using the clio and Taurus they developed the zippy Clitaurus.It cums in pink with fur on dash.Fur not available in Brazil.

Man bought wife sum slippers and a vibrater 4 her birthday.Wife said why did you buy me a vibrater? Man said 'if you dont like the slippers you can go fuck yourself.'

[Bow-Down]

Where is the biggest Maori marae....

Paremoremo prison

[naphazoline]

How do you know when it's bed time on Michael Jacksons ranch?

When the big hand touch's the little hand.



What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Would you mind moving....you're in my son.

[Smokin]

Doctors have confirmed Michael Jackson is dead, His body is to be melted down and made into kids toys, so Children can play with him for a change.

[naphazoline]

Jockeys at tomorrows race meetings throughout the world will be wearing black arm bands out of respect for Michael Jackson,who sucessfully rode more three year olds then anyone in living memory.

[naphazoline]

Michael Jackson says to wife Debbie at the birth of their child,"How long till we can have sex"?
Debbie says,"For fucks sake.Give it a chance to walk first."

[Reckless]

Have you ever noticed how women use their car every day and never f**k'n wash it!
And how they wash there pussies eveyday and never f**k'n use it!!

[MSTRS]

They are lying about the death toll from that Tongan ferry...everyone knows that coconuts float.

[crazyhorse]

A female brain is divided into 2 parts. The left and the right. In the left, fuck all is right, and in the right, fuck all is left :laugh:

[Spicer]

Couple just married,happy with the whole thing,he was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.

[Spicer]

Griffins Biscuits has anounced a new line of biscuits called....Clitoris creams...One lick and you end up eating the whole box!

[ynot slow]

Griffins Biscuits has anounced a new line of biscuits called....Clitoris creams...One lick and you end up eating the whole box!

And if it tastes like shit,take smaller licks.

[Spicer]

2 Nuns were riding on their bicycles down a road, one Nun says to the other one...

"I've never come this way before"

The 2nd Nun replies...

"Yeah, it's the gravel."


Two nuns return late from a night out to find the nunnery's gates locked. As they're climbing back over the wall one says "Oh I feel like a commando!" to which the other says "So do I, but where can we find one this time of night?"



An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.
The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says
"It looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the eskimo responds
"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"





How do you get a modern african american woman who is a part the womens lib movement to pick cotton?

Light the string to Oprahs tampon.



Why are Indians so crap at soccer?

Every time they get a corner they have to build a dairy on it. :confused:

[Spicer]

TALKING DIRTY

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.






KENTUCKEY
A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken, it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.

rooster & cat goin over bridge,cat slips & falls in
river.rooster cant stop laughin.wats D moral? whereva
therZ a wet pussy therZ a happy cock

[naphazoline]

What's the difference between a hard working Yank,and Bigfoot?

Some people reckon they've SEEN Bigfoot !

[1billyboy]

What is the definition of a cotton picker?

A woman that has lost the string of her tampon

[jtzzr]

Security caught a guy jumping the fence at last weeks warriors game,
so they dragged him back to his seat to watch the second half.

[jtzzr]

A redhead tells her sister " i slept with a brazillian man last night.The blonde says "OH MY GOD YOU SLUT!!!




"How many is a brazillian?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

A mum was cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom and finds a load of
bondage gear. she asks her husband wat to do husband says watever you
do dont spank him:spanking::spanking::spanking:

[one fast tl1ooo]

What does a womans vagina and a tin roof have in common, ? If you dont nail it good enough it might end up at the neighbors house

[crazyhorse]

A chinese family just moved in next door. Their 3 kids challenged me to a water fight, so I am just texting you while I am waiting for the jug to boil

[naphazoline]

Supermarket chains nationwide are bringing out a brand new product,aimed at the Tongan community......................................... ....................

It's called "two minute poodles" ! ! !

[nothingflash]

What do you call a Tongan walking a dog?

A vegetarian.

[nothingflash]

What's the best thing about rooting a transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending you've gone right through :eek5:

[nothingflash]

I bought myself a goldfish the other day - turns out its a bloody epileptic. Mind you, he seems ok when I put him back in his bowl though.

[hospitalfood]

why are there no maoris on startrek ?
they don't work in the future either.

sorry bro's.

[Squid]

What do you get if you cross a duck with a steamroller? A flat duck

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.

:banana:

[Fatt Max]

Michael Jackson meets Elvis in heaven.
"Hey Mr Presley, I'm Michael, I'm the one who married your daughter"
"Well hello there boy, Glad to meet ya. I sure am relieved"
"Why is that sir?" askes Michael
"Cos someone told me she married a nigger"

[dogsnbikes]

New Age internet porn

hey Baby wanna come ova to my space so I can twitter your Yahoo till you google all ova my face book?

[crazyhorse]

Did you hear about the Tongan man who has been arrested for burning his wife during sex? In his defence he said, she was the one who asked for it doggy style

[crazyhorse]

I confused a Maori on Trade Me the other day. I told him the item would arrive in 3 or 4 working days :laugh:

[Schrgd]

Did you know 99% of women kiss with eyes closed???


Thats why it so hard to identify a rapist!!

[Street Gerbil]

If you have sex with a prostitute, without her consenting, is that rape...or shop lifting?
Technically speaking, the correct term is "theft of service".

[nothingflash]

Technically speaking, the correct term is "theft of service".

Which poses this question. If you shag a prostitute and then don't pay - is it shoplifting?

[nothingflash]

Definition of disgusting... Stuffing 12 oysters in your grandmother's old girl and sucking out 13

[Spicer]

Ive got a stray parrot in my garden.All it says is "good morning you ugly fucker.".....Its not yours is it?

A 16 year old girl wrote into the newspaper help colummist."I am a 16 year old muslim arab gril who has't had sex yet."Do you think my father and brothers are gay?

Question:What are women useful for?
Answer Something to lie on when your'e having a fuck!

[naphazoline]

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards.
You'll love the bit where she takes off the ring,walks down the aisle,jumps in the car,and FUCKS OFF!!!!

[MSTRS]

Had sex with a deaf and dumb girl last night and felt so ashamed this morning I broke all her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone.


I saw a Paki drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services. I hope they find him or it would have been a waste of a stamp!


What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when I cut up the onion.

[Spicer]

A very wise man once said to me 'You should treat your woman like your vaccum cleaner,when she stops sucking replace the bag'

[Spicer]

Samoan goes 2 da docterz wit 2 burnt earz...DR tel me xactly wot happened? Samoan: wel i was iron my cloves wen i ket a fone gall..& nsted of pik up d fone i was pik up d iron n purn my ear.DR: ok but wot about da otha ear? Samoan: Oh da plardi fool ring me pak.

[Spicer]

Man said to his wife "i had to show my grey hair on my chest to get my pension." Wife said 'You should have shown your DICK we could have got a disability allowance!

[avgas]

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

[Spicer]

Maori caught DIC,Cops say Blow in bag can't Asthma.Blood sample,can't Haemophilac.Urine sample,can't new law,Not allowed 2 take PISS out of maoris.

[crazyhorse]

Sex has gone downhill lately, so the wife bought a dildo shaped just like a carrot. Which is ironic, cause her fanny looks like a fucking donkey yawning. :)

[YellowDog]

I had a curious text yesterday. It merely said:


N B A G


Personally I think this is bang out of order.

[Squid]

What's the difference between a banjo and a......

(a.) Onion - No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) Uzi - An Uzi only repeats forty times.
(c.) Chainsaw - A chain saw has a dynamic range and you can turn a chainsaw off.
(d.)Harley Davidson - Apperently you can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline - You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.