I'm in a situation. Serious advice from wise people needed.

**Kwaka14** · 17th September 2009, 07:17

I went through the same thing a couple of years ago although it seems like a lot longer. Me and my partner of 10 years went our separate ways, the odd thing is now I hardly remember how I felt around her or the things we did. Since then I have thrown myself in to living life for me. I started out by really thinking about what I wanted to do and never did because of "the relationship", I'd forgotten who I was, now I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've now traveled a small part of the world and am just starting to explore life, I'm with a great girl who is with me because we both enjoy and share our independence, and I'm living life for me. The best thing that happened to me was relearning who I was, it's just unfortunate that it took some emotional upheaval to get there and I hadn't worked it out sooner. Just take some time out and do things for you, not because you think you should or someone told you to, do things for you. It feels bad at the start, but once you get some focus back things get better rapidly. Don't forget your friends.

Sean.

**Conquiztador** · 17th September 2009, 07:22

When my mariage of 16 years failed I found my self in the evenings when all quiet sitting in a chair with a drink feeling sorry for my self and remembering all the good times.

I realised that this was going nowhere and I was wasting time and energy on something that was all gone. So...

I made up a spreadsheet on the puter with all the things that needed to be done. Fix the door, change the house around, buy something I needed, fix that pushbike tyre and so on.

Then when the moment came over me I would pull my self by the collar and go to the puter and open that spreadsheet. I pick something that would take max 1/2 hour and that I could see that it was done afterwards. Then I get stuck in.

After approx 30 minutes I could step back and see what I had achieved. Instead if spending the same energy on feeling sorry for my self I had done something that made me feel good. And I had not had time to think about the past.

And maaan! Did I get stuff done! Need someone to leave me again...

Also do exercise. It is proven that when exercising our body releases stuff (can not remember what they are called?) that makes us feel good.

And cut the ties. If not, then when she finds someone else it will hurt so much more. And don't be afraid to see some ladies. Not to keep. But to have a good time. It is all part of the healing. Down the road someone will come along that is better then she ever was.

My logic was always that now all the ones who had missed out on me as I was committed had their second chance...

**MsKABC** · 17th September 2009, 09:16

Originally Posted by Conquiztador

Also do exercise. It is proven that when exercising our body releases stuff (can not remember what they are called?) that makes us feel good.

Endorphins, and it's absolutely true.

Originally Posted by Conquiztador

And cut the ties. If not, then when she finds someone else it will hurt so much more. And don't be afraid to see some ladies. Not to keep. But to have a good time. It is all part of the healing. Down the road someone will come along that is better then she ever was.

I completely agree with this. The less you see and hear from her over the next 3-6 months, the faster you'll get over her. Re-establish contact again if you want when you're stronger.

**mister.koz** · 17th September 2009, 09:20

Originally Posted by Conquiztador

...

Also do exercise. It is proven that when exercising our body releases stuff (can not remember what they are called?) that makes us feel good.

And cut the ties. If not, then when she finds someone else it will hurt so much more. And don't be afraid to see some ladies. Not to keep. But to have a good time. It is all part of the healing. Down the road someone will come along that is better then she ever was.

Man, i am out of bling for the day... couldn't agree more dude

**ynot slow** · 17th September 2009, 09:40

Exercise is good,when I split it was early December,so the hard part was first xmas without the kids first thing in the morning.I had played soccer for years and hadn't stopped even when kids came,was my timeout and managed to get into top league in area so was focused on practicing,and kids came with the ex for home games and aftermatch.After seperation the following season or two I really got into the club,practising twice a week,not bad for a 37 years old,stopped playing at 41 due to illness.

I agree if you've ever wanted to travel or do something,i.e Munro rally,Superbikes in Aus do it.I had wanted to go to Bathurst,never happened when married,went over the year after we split,great time had.

**madbikeboy** · 17th September 2009, 14:51

Originally Posted by Winston001

All good advice here Hans. I'll simply add that counselling is worth it. You might only go to three sessions but talking to someone neutral works.

The sense I get from your opening post is that you are better equipped to deal with this than many people. Not that its easy and I'm sure you are putting up a brave front but you have the strength to reflect on things and move forward.

I like the approach Mom, MsKaBC, and Winston have here - they're all very good people whom I respect.

You're already heading in the correct direction by asking for advice and help. In my view, the get drunk and fuck around approach is shallow, you're normally better off doing your repair work, and then starting to look around - the alternative is to drink and fuck, and end up repeating the same mistakes and being married four times.... (Sorry Sarge, no offense meant).

As for returning to what you were before - your mindset has changed from when you were 18, 10 years of work is enough to break a pattern. Just ensure you stay healthy, surrounded by people who care and support. And get counselling - true strength is understanding that even the strongest need help.

Good luck buddy.
MBB

**Hans** · 17th September 2009, 15:02

Yeah, just come home from work, so I'm reading all your posts. I guess I've had an "out plan" for quite a while. I'm definitely taking some of what's been posted here on board. And yeah, I think I'll carry out some repair work on myself before I do anything else. I've already realized that drinking and fucking my out of this one ain't gonna happen.

**SARGE** · 4th October 2009, 07:43

Originally Posted by madbikeboy

I like the approach Mom, MsKaBC, and Winston have here - they're all very good people whom I respect.

You're already heading in the correct direction by asking for advice and help. In my view, the get drunk and fuck around approach is shallow, you're normally better off doing your repair work, and then starting to look around - the alternative is to drink and fuck, and end up repeating the same mistakes and being married four times.... (Sorry Sarge, no offense meant).

As for returning to what you were before - your mindset has changed from when you were 18, 10 years of work is enough to break a pattern. Just ensure you stay healthy, surrounded by people who care and support. And get counselling - true strength is understanding that even the strongest need help.

Good luck buddy.
MBB

no offense taken bro..

but wow.. you really recommend counseling???... over some bitch??.. really ??..

huggy feely soft science bro .. sorry .. i have some HTFU pills over here though if anyone should need them ..

gentlemen.. the most important word in the English Language is ...

NEXT!

i dont even remember Wife #1's name half the time ... seriously...

**jrandom** · 4th October 2009, 08:01

Originally Posted by SARGE

gentlemen.. the most important word in the English Language is ...

NEXT!

Amen, brother.

Although, Hans, be careful unburdening yourself to females, lest your heart just get broken anew in short order.

And, amidst the hurt and confusion, don't hang out with chicks who don't want to fuck you. Their well-meaning emotional vampirism will just screw your head up. Either hang out with a hot female who's actually into you, or stick with male friends.

I wouldn't be drinking a lot, though. That's a great way to make everything worse. If you feel a desire to alter your consciousness while you meditate on things, use cannabis, not alcohol.

And get to the gym and get lifting, Hans. Like, now. Today! Keep it simple. Have some brekky and a couple cups of coffee and get down to your local gym for, say, 6 x 10 each of free squats, bench press and chin-ups. Go as hard and heavy as you can. Push yourself and savour the pain. There's nothing like it for clearing the mind.

**Genie** · 8th October 2009, 05:54

awesome advice on going to the gym.....best thing ever and in the process of getting out the aggression, the head can be cleared and the body gets toned. far bettererer than alcohol and drugs. We live and learn through every relationship, take what you've learnt and move onwards and upwards xx

**jrandom** · 8th October 2009, 06:58

Originally Posted by Genie

the head can be cleared and the body gets toned. far bettererer than alcohol and drugs.

Instead of berating you, I will help you. There are two reasons why that post made you sound like an idiot:

(a) 'Toned'; and

(b) 'Alcohol and drugs'.

Both phrases are the preserve of people who don't know what they're talking about.

**Genie** · 8th October 2009, 07:05

each to their own....and it is working for me. Have had an issue arise within my relationship status recently and going to the gym is far more beneficial than getting plastered or munted.

**jetboy** · 8th October 2009, 07:56

When my engagement failed I was a little cut up, so after a few nights on the turps I did stuff for me again...one of the "me" things I did was bought the bike.

Best thing to do is do what you did before you were together.