An over reaction?

[marie_speeds]

Is your friend on the dole?

No she works fulltime and picks up extra work when she can....she also has the responsibilty of financially keeping her mum, her handicap sister and her two children as well as a mentally ill brother sometimes.

Who said that sitting around in her lounge is not quality time?

She seems to think that it is his intention to do this his one Sunday per month. Sit at her house for 2 hours then bugger off....

It seems to me that HE is not that interested ... If she is the one who is trying to get contact and visits - not him. I read it that he is wants minimal involvement with the kid ... he is not pushing fror more, he wants LESS ...

Is a Trespass Order an overreaction? Probably - and he can use it as an excuse to never see the kid ...

She has tried several times with sorting out access and custody...she originally offered 1 hour after work each week and a ew hours every Sunday but he said no. And I said same thing about order.....but she said he can still pick baby up outside of her gate.

friend needs to learn she cant control how others behave.knee jerk fk you tresspass orders?good one,friend should grow up and concentrate on her own side of the street.noddy father may want to be part of kids life in time or he may not...........

From what I gather I don't think he does want to be a father....

That's one possible interpretation. Another is that after a break up there can be a lot of acrimony between the two parties and maybe she doesn't want to be in a situation where that can arise - and the safest way is to keep the partner away from her home - whether the acrimony is on her part of his or both - best to avoid the situation ... and for the sake of the kid ... who doesn't need to witness heated arguments between parents ...

So pick up the kid for a few hours and leave may be the best option for all ...

And maybe the guy is violent so she doesn't feel safe having hm in her home ..

Plenty of possibilities .. and yes, maybe she wants a break for a few hours ...

I think there is a lot of tension on both sides and neither parents are angels.... As for violence I don't know.... I do remember a few Christmases ago when she was pregnant, her turning up with bruises on her arm but she clammed up..... A break she certainly needs given her situation...I have baby sat a few times so she can get out.


On a personal note while me and my ex have not always seen eye to eye we do put our kids first...so I am saddened by this situation. I sort of said to her that any contact is better than none. But this upset her....she said that of all the days to arrange a ride with friends why was it that one and he doesn't organise rides when he has his other daughter...so in a sense I do kind of see her point but just don't think she is going about it the right way.....

[imdying]

She seems to think that it is his intention to do this his one Sunday per month. Sit at her house for 2 hours then bugger off....

Mustard seed perhaps?

[p.dath]

You can't change the way people feel by trying to make them do something. You have to inspire them.

And if they still don't want to do something then you need to respect that they are an individual, and they make their own decisions - no matter how wrong you feel it might be.


So I say, she gave it a try, he is not inspired enough to want to see his daughter; he's made his decision, so leave it be.

[Grubber]

It seems to me that HE is not that interested ... If she is the one who is trying to get contact and visits - not him. I read it that he is wants minimal involvement with the kid ... he is not pushing fror more, he wants LESS ...

Is a Trespass Order an overreaction? Probably - and he can use it as an excuse to never see the kid ...

Seems that way to me too.
I would go as far as to say that, if he doesn't seem to show any interest then just carry on without him. The kid may well be better off in the long run.
My daughter has a 4 year old whose father sees him about once every 6 to 8 weeks or so. She gets real pissed about it, but i tell her that if it's the best he can do then the little guy would be better off without him anyway. He has plenty of male family members on her side that can fill the role (ME) and i am more than happy to be the surrogate Dad. Problem solved!
My kids Mum did a runner a few years ago but we managed to stay good friends through it all. Makes a huge difference when you can all get along and look after ya kids together still.

[FJRider]

....Anyhoo she asked him to pick them up and take their daughter out for the day so that his daughter can start to bond with him and learn to recognise her father...........

Is where they spend the time together that important ... or does SHE want to bugger off for the two hours ... ??? with HER friend(s) (un-paid babysitter springs to mind)

.... Now seeing as KB is so full of sensible people I thought I'd ask the question....

It can't be full ... there's a fair number of dickheads too ...

....Is getting a trespass order an over reaction on her part?

It may get his attention ... then/or ... lose his interest ...

[James Deuce]

Its a very immature 'revenge' action designed to give her something to get huffy about and tweet / facebook her 'friends' about (go on, I'll bet its on her facebook page).....

I feel sorry for the baby - BOTH parents need to pull their heads out of their arses and get on with it....

What he said. I would add though that I think both parents should be stoned to death and the baby adopted by people who weren't raised by Spider Monkeys.

[Winston001]

Is where they spend the time together that important ... or does SHE want to bugger off for the two hours ... ??? with HER friend(s) (un-paid babysitter springs to mind)

Not picking on you Trevor but others have made the same comment. So...this solo mother might get 2 hours peace and quiet...once a month. Yeah she's really using him.

[XxKiTtiExX]

From what I gather I don't think he does want to be a father....

This is the impression that I get.

In saying that the trespass is a tad much, although I can understand that she is probably hurting over the fact that he isn't so much as taking being a "father" seriously. (I mean come on!! How many visits??) She has probably done this to try and hurt him in return, end of the day and speaking from previous experience it gets neither party anywhere. (Not saying that it is okay either).


And on that note, being a biological parent doesn't necessarily make you a good one. Perhaps its time to just pick up the pieces and move on, accept it for what it is and move right along. At the end of the day he's the one who is missing out.

[FJRider]

Not picking on you Trevor but others have made the same comment. So...this solo mother might get 2 hours peace and quiet...once a month. Yeah she's really using him.

So she's not taking advantage of the free hours of childcare, the goverment are paying for ... ???

SORRY ... the "peace and quiet" is there ... if she chooses ... already ... the choice of how and when though ... is HER choice ...

[Winston001]

That's one possible interpretation. Another is that after a break up there can be a lot of acrimony between the two parties and maybe she doesn't want to be in a situation where that can arise - and the safest way is to keep the partner away from her home - whether the acrimony is on her part of his or both - best to avoid the situation ... and for the sake of the kid ... who doesn't need to witness heated arguments between parents ...

So pick up the kid for a few hours and leave may be the best option for all ...

And maybe the guy is violent so she doesn't feel safe having hm in her home ..

Plenty of possibilities .. and yes, maybe she wants a break for a few hours ...

Spot on.

I have considerable experience with this sort of problem and sadly it is common enough. Thankfully most parents work out access and custody very well without lawyers and courts.

1. The mother is entitled to feel safe in her own home. Inviting the father in is probably threatening to her.

2. Neverthless if this is a baby, then the baby needs to be secure in familiar surroundings. At least for the first few access visits. Usually what happens is access takes place at a relatives home known to the child, or else the mother leaves and a relative supervises the visits.

3. If that isn't possible then Barnados provide a supervised access system which the father pays for.

4. Issuing a Trespass Notice is over the top and antagonistic. Stupid really. If she feels threatened she should obtain a Protection Order.

5. Two hours visit per month is wholly inadequate to form a bond with the little girl. Little and often is best in the beginning.

6. Despite the low level of interest shown by the father, it is in the child's interests to know who her dad is. As time passes he may very well feel much more strongly and she will benefit. It could go either way but some contact is far better than none.

[Winston001]

So she's not taking advantage of the free hours of childcare, the goverment are paying for ... ???

SORRY ... the "peace and quiet" is there ... if she chooses ... already ... the choice of how and when though ... is HER choice ...

Mate - when we had our first child my respect for solo parents went up 10 fold. I had no idea how hard it was to be a parent of a baby. Even with our parents and friends helping, life was a bleary eyed blur for the first couple of years. 24/7

Worth it too.

[Mom]

Afterall it is just a ride with friends.....

Both your friend and her ex need some intelligent and sensible intervention into this custody thing. They sound like a couple of children to me. Pathetic stuff! Poor little baby, too young to know what is going on thankfully. Hopefully things can get sorted before that changes.

Do you have a family support organisation nearby?

We are so lucky here to have this;

http://waitemata.webhealth.co.nz/pro...e/view/863460/

I am sure this small town is not the only place to have the fabulous service available.

They will support your friend and her ex to get a working arrangement for accesss. I can actually understand why she may not have wanted him in her home, but there are neutral places that are very available for people in these situations.

Push them to something like this.

I hesitate to advise you to tell them to grow the fuck up!

[White trash]

So she's not taking advantage of the free hours of childcare, the goverment are paying for ... ???

SORRY ... the "peace and quiet" is there ... if she chooses ... already ... the choice of how and when though ... is HER choice ...

Please please please point me in the direction of this free hours of childcare provided by the Government. Info I have, it's only available for over threes.

[FJRider]

Mate - when we had our first child my respect for solo parents went up 10 fold. I had no idea how hard it was to be a parent of a baby. Even with our parents and friends helping, life was a bleary eyed blur for the first couple of years. 24/7

Worth it too.

Mate .... even as an UN-Parent ... I understand all that ... but the provisions for PAID childcare ARE in place ... ALREADY ... Monday to FRIDAY at least ...

Perhaps it is the WEEKEND she wants "off"

[FJRider]

Please please please point me in the direction of this free hours of childcare provided by the Government. Info I have, it's only available for over threes.

As an UN-parent ... I am NOT aware of any restrictions ... ask YOUR local chilcare center ...