What's your sickest joke?

[sugilite:Me]

A bit of a laugh...

[Piper]

It wasn't a surprise that Elaine Paige
got a mention in the king's Birthday Honours.
She knows him so well.

[R650R]

Was watching an add on TV that you can feed, clothe and educate a child in Africa for just $5 a day so I packed my son a bag and put him on a flight 😂🤣😂

[Piper]

LGBTQ+ History month
shouldn't that be LBTQ
+They/Them/ story month?


I've been asking around what
LGBTQlA+ means.
But I can't seem to get a straight
answer.


I joined an LGBTQ group.
Lets Go Beat up Transexuals and Queers.


What do you call mistaking a genuine Thai
hooker for a shemale?
Not an issue.


My neighbours weren't very happy when
they found out I was hosting a lesbian orgy
at my house.
It set some tongues wagging.


Imagine living through the 20th Century
when you knew by sending your kids
to university, they would become
well -educated people and contribute to
society, whilst enabling them to have a
better life.
Fast-forward to 2025 and you're more
likely to get a fat, lazy, blue-haired,
gender confused, pronounced pig, who
couldn't spell the word shower, let alone
use one


Went on a blind date with a proper fat
woman and woke up with a black eye.
I only said, "Your round" after I finished
my pint


What do you call a bloke with no shins?
Toe Knee.

[Bikkie]

Work has begun on Manchester's 'first of its kind' LGBTQ+ housing development.

I'll laugh if the walls are straight and it doesn't come with bent pipes.



"There's no way this Monkees fan is going to beat me at poker", I thought.

And then I saw her ace.

Now my hand is weaker.



I bumped into Gemma Collins singing a few Monkees tracks at a kareoke last night

She told me she lost two stone

Then I saw her waist

And I don't believe her




There was this local Artist who did pictures of the Monkees.
She captured Micky Dolenz teeth, Mike Nesmith's bobble hat and Davy Jones boyish good looks.
Even her Pete Tork looked lifelike.


Then I saw her trace.

She's one big Deceiver!!!




After having sex with Jennifer Aniston yesterday, I can tell you 3 things. 1) She is very tight and I had to struggle to get it in 2) She will gladly take it all over her face and not say a word 3) The staff at the wax museum have no sense of humour.



Britain’s got free speech the way McDonald’s has salad, it’s technically there, but say the wrong thing and you’re banned quicker than a joke about Keir Starmer’s front door



Yesterday I overheard a mixed-race lad about 16 who already had a small tattoo under his eye, and was plotting to get a much bigger one on his face.

I pulled the little fucker aside and told him he'd never have a job doing shite like that.

"Yea dats da fucking point," he hissed, before he went back to mindlessly playing at some handheld gaming device.



I've been getting disturbing calls & messages from some weird cunt called Buster.

Does anybody know a way, there's got to be a way, to block Buster.



Got called in to hr at work for saying I heard the new girl looked like one of the monkees

And then i saw her race



I saw a black fella hurt his knee playing football.

The medic didn't have the proper spray, so he used a deodorant he had in his bag.

The injured guy got up and started running.

It must've been Lynx Africa.




I've had to rent an electric car, the first I've ever driven.

There are so many knobs and buttons.

Starting the fucker is like fingering R2D2.



What do you call a long nosed whale at an Oasis gig?

Narwhal Gallagher



Before she was famous, Bonnie Blue used to work in Poundstretcher.

Quite appropriate really, now she's been pounded and stretched.


I'm sure my best mate is having an affair with my wife.

I've never seen him looking so miserable...




I saw Usain Bolt at a monkies concert as a kid in the states? Saw him running, thought I could beat him?

Then I saw his pace…



I smiled at a woman on the train and she said "When you smile at me I want to invite you to my place"
"Are you single?" I asked her.
"No, I'm a dentist" she replied.



Bill Gates is a huge proponent of "The Great Reset" as a way to sort out the planets problems.
Trust the man behind Microsoft to think "Turning the world off and on again" is going to fix anything.



I once nicked an antiquated games console off a kid from the Middle East

Qatari?

No, a fucking Nintendo



A teacher told me at school I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

But I've just made a lovely pair of jugs and a vase.



Kid says to his Dad, he says "Dad where do babies come from?"

Dad says, "The stork"

Kid says, "Well who fucks the stork?"




Diana Ross says she is delighted Trump is not taking out the Supreme leader.



I'm not saying the wife's thick.

She saw a classified ad for a Mexican pine cabinet.

Then asked me who would want to put a tropical tree in a box.



I met Elizabeth Fritzl at a 1960s counter-culture music convention a few years ago and when I spoke to her all she did was start crying

I only asked her if she liked Strange Days by The Doors




It appears that the gay community have bred their own breed of dog. A Cock or ��



Stevie Wonder: Can you describe to me what I look like?

Friend: Well, what do you see right now?

Stevie: Nothing, just blackness

Friend: Like that



Last night I was shagging a dyslexic girl called Lauren -

She was unreal!



I asked the wife for sex yesterday and she said it was Father's Day, not Husband's Day.

I'm not sure she likes our daughter.



Transwomen have been ban from playing football. But maybe they should’ve let them keep playing but only as goal keepers.
Would drastically improve having to watch that shite.
Watching female goalies is like watching a woman try to parallel park!



I realised what it was like to be a nigger today.

Five kids but not a single fathers day card.



Ray Charles "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

Stevie Wonder "Black. My turn. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

[R650R]

At the pub having drink with the wife and she points to a guy over at bar drinking and having good time with his mates, shouting another round of drinks.
“He proposed to me ten years ago” she said.
He’ll and he’s still celebrating being free I replied.
I think that’s when the trouble started…

[Bikkie]

If people speak to you in the countryside they're being friendly.

If people speak to you in the city, they either want something, are mentally ill or about to stab you.
( that's true )




Why did Michael Caine take a shit behind the elephant house?

Because he couldn't face another zoo loo.


It must be really difficult for a prostitute to get rid of a customer.

She's telling them to go, but all they want to do is come.


I discovered on holiday that cars in Italy are all speed restricted.

If you fall below 50, the horn sounds.



Gutted you didn't make it to Glastonbury? Just put 12 different cds on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.



Ah, beautiful Venice. Such a wonderful place to receive your final blowjob.



Teacher: "OK class, what was Robin Hoods girlfriends name?"
Jimmy: "It was Trudy Glen, miss"
Teacher: "No, Jimmy, it was Maid Marion"
Jimmy: " But miss, what about the song, Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen"



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "pipe down"

You have to say, "Harvey, chuck it over here, and my baccy. Oh and pass me my fucking slippers while you're at it'



I once asked Lulu "what do you call a hole in the ground that you get water from?"

That's 10 minutes of my life I won't get back.



Words with different meanings, no 84:

" Tyranny "

An Italian transsexual



Your bride has been dispatched and should arrive between 11am and 3pm on June 29th




Astronaut Katy Perry is splitting up with Orlando Bloom. I guess she...needed more space....



Captain Shukla will become the first ever Indian to visit Nasa's orbiting laboratory.

He's already turned it into a corner shop...



My seven year old son was in a school play. Why is he not paid the same as Tom Cruise? - Female logic



Sir Elton John set to lead performances at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez's $20M Venice wedding in Venice.

Just how many times can he change the fucking 'Candle in The Wind' lyrics.



Al Green

No he's black



Someone help me out please.
Does the plumber actually fix the tap at the end of 'my stepmother is a slut' porn video?
I never seem to get to the end of it.




Eastbourne: Raducanu beaten in three sets by Joint

Kids, just say no to drugs.


I used to make honey, but now I've abandoned my hives.

Now I'm a bee leaver.



Don't ever go to a drag race during Gay Pride.

The dresses and make up look shit and they all break their heels on the quarter mile.


After showing up late for the last two World Wars, it looks like the Americans want to be bang on time for this one.



I was listening to The Monkees on the radio in the prison showers.

But then I dropped the soap.

Now I'm a receiver...



The names bongo James bongo !

ffs...no



Sadly, I was caught by security trying to climb the fence at Glastonbury, they turned me back & said I had to listen to the rest of the Rod Stewart concert.




I phoned the vet because my dog had a high temperature.

He prescribed mustard, best thing for a hot dog...



I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles.

"You're getting carried away," said my wife.

"Not without a fucking fight," I replied.

[Bikkie]

Sports News - After she secured a comfortable victory to progress to the second round at Wimbledon, British number one Emma Raducanu said she would give her coach Mark Petchey an "11 out of 10"

I would give her one.



I called a landscaper the other day, asked him if he could do the garden.
He said "Do you want decking?".
I said "That's entirely uncalled for... I already have a patio!".



Sports News - At todays Wimbledon, Emma Raducanu knocks out compatriot Mimi Xu.

By coincidence while watching, I knocked one out myself.



I used to date a woman who had a parrot.

I broke up with her because of the incessant talking and shrieking.

The parrot was well behaved though.



It's now that time of year again for the Wimbledon women's tennis.

Funny how It always coincides with the start of my annual training for the World Arm Wrestling Championships.



The Wimbledon women's singles tennis championships start today, so I'll be glued every day to the box for a fortnight.

Not only the TV. but also my sofa, my trousers and one of my socks.


A black guy with an eyepatch on just got into my car and told me to get out then drove off.
I think he was a pirate of the car I be in.

( I'll get my keys )

[Bikkie]

Those announcements in train stations are bullshit

“If you see something that doesn’t look right, see it, say it, sort it”.

Well when I showed them this lump on my bollocks all they did was physically remove me from the station with my pants round my ankles.



The single biggest test of Donald Trump's Presidency is coming on July 4th.

Not because he's behaving like a King.

It's the day half of his supporters will find out he's gutted their medical cover, when they've just blown half of their webbed fingers off with fireworks.



The local Starbucks are going to hate me.

They have a sign that reads, 'Please only put toilet tissue down the toilet'.

I did a piss and shit on the floor.



After years of waiting for gender reassignment surgery I decided to do it myself.

To be honest I'm surprised I managed to pull it off.




Trump considers deporting Elon Musk as their feud explodes.

They both think dignity is overrated.




My new girlfriend drives all the machines on her father's farm.

For some strange reason, I was atractored to her instantly.



"Dalai Lama confirms he will have a successor after his death"

In other news, Gary Glitter is seen buying robes in Tibet



Do Muslim child brides have to sign a threenup?.




I started dating a black girl because she told me she loves it 'up the brown'.

Turns out she just meant her pussy.



White men can't jump.

Ticket barriers that is.




White men can't jump
Black cunts can't drive!




It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "put everything on black"

You have to say, "Tyrone, all toppings on my pizza please"




Former head of the royal navy Ben key sacked for having an affair with female subordinate.
People have joined the navy for centuries so they could bum another bloke without their wives
finding out, but as soon as someone shags a woman it's a problem.




Went to a Roman themed stripper party.

Veni, vidi, veni.



Popular fruit urgently recalled due to vomiting, fever and diarrhoea risk.

Fuck's sake Elton, you should know by now to rubber up.




After numerous attempts to win the Mens World Wanking Championship.

I've managed to pull it off..




I went for a job with the Mountain Rescue Squad today.

'Why do you want to join us? ' The interviewer asked.

'Well, ' I said, 'I hear you are always looking for people.'


I lost a fight with a kid at school once. His name was Bill Tong. I definitely bit off more than I could chew.



The wife and her mother have always rubbed each other up the wrong way.

After a few beers, I showed them both together how to wank properly last night.




Bonnie Blue's world record attempt for the largest number of female sexual partners within 12 hours was thwarted at the grand opening.

A large ribbon was in place for the commencement but none of the scissors there could cut it.




I’ve been getting spontaneous erections ever since I became superstitious… touch wood!



I walked past a group of "Republic" protestors earlier and they were brandishing placards, wearing t-shirts & shouting "not my king"

I thought, what the fuck have they got against Elvis?




There's controversy over casting a Black woman as Richard III in a new PBS period drama.

Doubt many Americans will watch it, though.

Not without seeing I and II first.



I was blown away watching the Oasis gig in Cardiff and had to pinch myself to take in what I saw.
The cunts actually played a fourth chord.



Tiger Woods and Vanessa Trump are heading for marriage.

Finally, a black sheep in the Trump family.



Jessica Biel is married to Justin Timberlake.

Does that make her a Biel-T?

[Bikkie]

The UK…….. is………ranked………….99th ………in the……….world for…………………… Internet speed...



The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me.
I said one more and it's over.




The debate still rages on about which toilets trans women should be allowed to use

Yet the solution is simple

Why don't they just do it up against a wall?




"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE....I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"


Rehearsals aren't going well for the "Sixth Sense" remake



After an awkward silence my wife said, "Are we seriously not going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
"I know it's a bit left field love," I replied, "But give Jumbo a chance and I'm sure you'll grow to love him."




My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.