In light of recent elections....

[SpankMe]

Home Office (London, UK) to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
3. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
4. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
5. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2.

1. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
2. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3.

1. You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
2. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4.

1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5.

1. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.

1. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
2. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
3. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7.

1. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
2. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
3. "Merde" is French for "Shit".
4. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8.

1. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9.

1. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
2. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
3. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10.

1. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
2. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.
3. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11.

1. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12.

1. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
2. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceské Budejovicé a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13.

1. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
2. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14.

1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15.

1. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

[Darryboy]

Hehe, silly Merkins

[sAsLEX]

Love it

[aff-man]

Oh man that is funny, now hopefully it'ss come to pass

[Yokai]

Firstly let me say that I recognise that this wasn't your original - you are far too intelligent to have written it!.
Secondly let me also say I really liked this

Thirdly but I thought there should be some things brought to light:

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Except those in designated "Blue" states of course

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

well - 14 of them anyway (the original 13 territories + Hawaii) cos the others never were owned by England.

Your new prime minister will appoint a minister for America

Just after he's remembered that he appointed a US style "Secretary of State"

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Or rather the Brits (of which I am one) will realise that it is in fact CORRECT to call it aluminum. It was a British corruption of the original name to bring it "into line" with other "ium" designations.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

Unfortunately it would seem that American vocabulary declines from the age of 7-9 where they are the world leaders by average known word count and also by linguistic sophistication (last comparative education report on vocabulary levels issued by the UK was in February 2004) .

[*]There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

Hear Hear.

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

Unfortunately no-one let us linguists know, and for the last 30 odd years we have been classifying US English as a separate language. It is just a shame that the Brits that are unwilling to move with the times don't read the OED.

You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents.

HEAR HEAR - Man I used to get that "Are you from OZ" all the time when I lived in the US. Just as long as the Brits can distinguish between a Canadian and a Texan (trust me - I've heard a Texan asked if he was Canadian!)

you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon".

oops - another thing that all those Brits get wrong. Devonshire did and does exist. Devon was designated a Shire in the 1700s... of course - it meant little other than it was officially recognised as a county in its own right. I say BRING BACK RUTLAND and WESSEX

You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

Um - that'd confuse half of the Americans who already sing My Country (Tis of Thee) as their anthem... Oh - and the British National Anthem was rewritten to fit the tune of My Country (Tis of Thee) after the acts of Union - do we go back to the mishmash of anthems we had before? ;-)

play proper football.

Wow! thanks for not stating that Soccer is an Americanism ... Oh - and which football is proper? Rugby Football, Australian Rules Football, Association Football?

hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

It will be called the Eagles and.... Oh - it already exists - it just isn't funded

[*]You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

Japan, the Dominican Republic, Colombia and Cuba suddenly became American there... Neat trick if you can pull it off...

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

Man - even though France has been standing up to the US for so long in world affairs? dude - that's harsh ....

[*]The Russians have never been the bad guys.

Tell that to the Czechs, East Germans, Latvians, Afghanistanis, et al.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday.

PLEASE KEEP IT! I like celebrating that I am no longer in charge of them....

November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

as opposed to any other day in Britain? Most days with a y in them are days of indecision for Brits

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Of course, that would mean banning the AC Cobra, Original Corvette, Original Mustang, and anything owned by GM or Ford, right? So - no Volvo's Saabs Holden Vauxhall Ford Jaguar Aston Martin .....

Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

Is this like fafalle isn't real pasta? And are Belgian fries the same as British Chips then?

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.

Unless you are in Belgium where the traditional accompaniment is mayonnaise and cold beer (though not in the same glass!)

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

Now THAT is funny.

[*]The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine",

Oh good grief - Gnat! knot knat! heh....

This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceské Budejovicé a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

Which it is. (Anheuser-Busch lost their appeals over 5 years ago)

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Darn tax collectors will get even states that weren't even in EXISTENCE then .... I knew that the tax collection thing was BAD!

Heh. I did like that - but I hate the superiority of the Brits even more than the superiority of the US Administration. And I AM a pom.... sorry.

[Hitcher]

Every four years it appears -- and like good British humour, it's good for a laugh each time!

[toads]

absolutely classic

[mangell6]

[*]You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.[/LIST]

An oldie but a goodie and this is my favourite.

[Blakamin]

Of course, that would mean banning the AC Cobra,

Ummmmm... the AC was actually a brit car with an american engine.... so you could actually not ban that one... just maybe stick the wheezy little lawnmower engine back in :disapint:

[Drunken Monkey]

Ummmmm... the AC was actually a brit car with an american engine.... so you could actually not ban that one... just maybe stick the wheezy little lawnmower engine back in :disapint:

Indeed, it was an AC Ace before Caroll Shelby got hold of it. Another symbol of true British optimism - why else would a country with such crappy weather make so many rag top cars...

[Blackbird]

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA ............etc etc

Been posted before
SpankMe

[Ixion]

oops - another thing that all those Brits get wrong. Devonshire did and does exist. Devon was designated a Shire in the 1700s... of course - it meant little other than it was officially recognised as a county in its own right. I say BRING BACK RUTLAND and WESSEX

And Parts Of Flint (detached) and the Soke of Peterborough.

[Waylander]

Hmm that was an interesting read. Most of it true, lucky for me I was always within the "2.15%" of the population that knew there was a world out there. I just don't know much about it cause they don't teach us about it.

And as fo this:

HEAR HEAR - Man I used to get that "Are you from OZ" all the time when I lived in the US. Just as long as the Brits can distinguish between a Canadian and a Texan (trust me - I've heard a Texan asked if he was Canadian!)

That is DAMN annoying I am not from Canada. I am from a state that is just about as far from canada as you can get within the contenental US. I can tell the difference from Aussie, English, Irish, Scottish and Kiwi accents. Different countries just like canada and US. However I can't tell the difference between all the different regions within it so I don't expect y'all to know the diference between and Alabama accent and a Texan accent. Believe me there is a difference. [/rant]

[onearmedbandit]

(Sorry if it's a repost, but if it is some may not have seen it. So lighten up.)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels.
Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use
bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2006.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline,"
>as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[mstriumph]

i found this while trying to find 'the scottish thread' [curses!! mr hitcher strikes again!!!] ........... isn't it GREAT? ....

psssssst - can anyone direct me to the scottish thread from here?