Best farking porterhouse steak recipe!!!! (Hilarious)

[WickedOne]

A quick pan-searing to seal in the juices just prior to flame-broiling is also a valid option, but except for the thickest, juiciest and most special cuts of porterhouse it's probably just extra work. Don't soak it, marinade it, put BBQ sauce or A1 on it or anything else. Don't stuff it with vegetable goo, even if it is prime organic garlic. Don't molest the steak, damn it. DOING SO WILL REVEAL YOU AS AN INFIDEL. I will hear about it, and I will hunt you down and force you to eat rabbit food the rest of your life. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE STEAK, OK?

Now, your steak is prepared and ready to be cooked. You may like it rare, medium, or well done. I strongly suggest somewhere between a rare and a medium, no more than a medium-well. Take it to the grill or other source of heat. DO NOT JAB IT WITH SOME HEATHEN'S INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE. No forks, no puncture wounds, OK? PICK UP THE STEAK WITH YOUR FINGERS! Place it gently on the grill. If you molest your steak, and you hear lots of juices hitting the flames during cooking, that means YOU'RE FUCKING TOUCHING THE STEAK! Don't do it! JUST FUCKING DON'T!

Leave the steak there. About 5-6 minutes on the first side for rare, as much as 10-15 minutes for well done. I personally go about 7-9 minutes on the first side for a delectable medium-rare. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE STEAK! Just let it sit there, happy.

Now, we turn over the steak, again observing the no-puncture-wounds-rule. Don't jab it with a fork, don't cut it to see what it's doing on the inside. Grab the tongs, and very gently flip it over. Cook it about half to two-thirds as long as you did the first time.

Remove the steak. Don't flip it twice. If your grill was the right temperature, it is done. Don't fucking do anything else but slap it, gently, on to a plate.

Eat the steak. Enjoy the steak! You will find that a steak knife is practically pointless, as the steak is so tender and juicy it may very well fall apart with a fork. (Mine do.) The first cut releases a savory flow of juices and aromas. Don't even THINK of reaching for that crusty bottle of A-1 in the fridge. Don't even fuck with this steak, because it may well be the best steak you've ever had.

[Skyryder]

I once knew a chef, (I use to work in kitchen) who said much the same thing.

Strange that.


Skyryder

[Oldfulla]

HAHAHA NICE!

[deanohit]

Yep, thats pretty much how I cook a steak anyway, if it's too tough to be cooked like that, it's a stew! I do however like a little tomato relish (not friggin sauce) on the side for a little extra flavour some times.

[Kendog]

It has to be a great steak to not need garlic.

immmmmmm, garlic.

[Mikkel]

A good 2-3 cm thick cut I usually fry in butter on the pan at max heat for 3 mins on each side. No more, no less. If you don't like your steak rare - that means you don't like meat, period. You can salt and pepper the steak when you've turned it after the first 3 mins.

I warmly recommend premium eye fillet steaks... can't beat it!

Also, when you go to buy your meat, make sure you FEEL it before you choose a package. It has to be nice and soft... just poke it through the wrapping.

[Hitcher]

The recipe is fine, apart from the turning times. On a grill or in a really hot pan, a "rare" steak is no more than 4 minutes a side; medium-rare 5 minutes, medium 6, and overdone is 7 minutes a side or more.

[jrandom]

I'm going to go buy steak for my dinner now.

[caesius]

The recipe is fine, apart from the turning times. On a grill or in a really hot pan, a "rare" steak is no more than 4 minutes a side; medium-rare 5 minutes, medium 6, and overdone is 7 minutes a side or more.

Agreed, those cooking times look longer than normal.

[Hitcher]

I'm going to go buy steak for my dinner now.

Don't buy Porterhouse. It's overrated. Scotch fillet is the only way to go.

[007XX]

My oh my!...

I am in absolute awe as to the proeficiency of you lovely blokes on the method of cooking a steak

...and also on the fact that noone has whinged yet as to how a recipe has managed to find its way onto KB!!!

And yes, my meat has to be rare...anyone want my recipe for steak tartare?

[jrandom]

Scotch fillet is the only way to go.

I purchase and consume nothing but, old bean. You are preaching to the converted.

Right, enough time wasted on KB, I'd better make good on my assertion and get to the supermarket...

[Hitcher]

anyone want my recipe for steak tartare?

The recipe for tartare is the easy bit. Much harder is finding a butcher who knows enough about their steak to be able to get you something lean and tender enough to be suitable. There used to be only one in the whole of Wellington, but he shut up shop about two years ago. The only hope is probably the Island Bay Butchery, but I haven't yet put them to the test.

And one needs to know one's onions as well.

[Hitcher]

I purchase and consume nothing but, old bean. You are preaching to the converted.

If you need a recipe for a reduced port wine and bone marrow jus, give me a hoy after you've procured the necessary ingredients. It's guaranteed to get a steak-eater's orgasmatron to 11.

[ynot slow]

My opinion is similar but I prefer aged rump(buy it whole)leave in fridge for about 5 days and slice.Usually grab a slab when on special in pak'n'save or another supermarket when specialled.
Had a birthday bbq a few years ago,bought a couple of kg of chuck or similar steak,asked mates wife to marinate it,she used her recipe and was in fridge covered from thursday night till monday arvo,bloody tender,tasty and cheap as most were pissed by teatime,so not wasting good fillet on those who bring sausages and eat the steak!!!Shit I hate that.

Mum had a takeaway shop in Tokoroa 16 yrs ago,we went there and was around teatime,she said make a burger for yourselves,went to get patties and was told use the steak,in the chiller was this fillet hanging,first time I'd seen green steak,cut the end off,cut a slice, and holy shit tasty and succulent were two words uttered,mostly after fuck this is nice,mind you at time they were about $7.50 each.