Sex - or no sex?

**Her_C4** · 2nd August 2008, 12:49

Not tonight Josephine....

Something to ponder - How difficult would it be do you think, to be in a close and otherwise loving relationship where the male was not even remotely interested in sex? We hear a lot from men about their frustration levels experienced when their partners for whatever reason decline to participate in or generally show a complete disinterest in sex, but we (or I) rarely hear of the reverse. Or do we?

I was guilty of watching an episode or two of Shortland Street that other day where one of the characters claimed to be 'asexual' the definition of which (as given by the ever informative Wikipedia site) describes asexual individuals as those 'who do not experience sexual attraction' as opposed to celibacy where one selectively 'chooses' not to be sexually active.

If you were a circumspect and moral person and did not wish to engage in pre-marital sex (yes I can see where you would get the idea that my thinking is old fashioned and therefore irrelevant in this day and age - but to carry the thought through), became engaged and married to a chap without realising that he wasn't just being celibate and / or respecting your wishes, morals, standards - how would you feel? Understanding? Sympathetic? Angry? Frustrated to all hell? Gypped? Murderous?

If it was the latter options, what would you do about it? Given that you married the chap because presumably you loved and cared about him - would you forego the sex - accept the situation and take the matter 'in hand'? Would you stay and have affairs? (and if you did would you be circumspect about it)? Would you read up everything you could about the subject and perhaps push for an element of counselling to try and resolve the situation? Or would you leave because a sexually barren life was not what you signed up for?

Just how important is the sexual aspect of a relationship to you as a woman? There are obviously cases where because of illness and or accidents where sex is not an option but this question is outside of that kind of scenario, as is the option of knowing beforehand and marrying anyway (awareness implies acceptance).

**duckonin** · 2nd August 2008, 13:03

GEZZZZZZZZ !!! you would have to be unlucky for that to happen

**SixPackBack** · 2nd August 2008, 13:09

Would you buy a bike without taking it out for a good hard ride?......sex is an important part of any relationship why deny yourself?

**Naki Rat** · 2nd August 2008, 13:14

Not to criticise but perhaps enlist some professional help/advice before doing the Wikipedia diagnosis thing.

A lack of libido could well be a symptom of underlying emotional turmoil. Is the guy happy in everyday activities other than those sexual? If not what chance of depression being a factor? Maybe a bit of relationship analysis - for example is it possible he lacks confidence in bed due to a dominance issue? We all accumulate emotional baggage as we travel through life, and it has a habit of making its presence felt in a variety of ways. Complex things us human beings.

Extra-marital affairs? Sort out the problem at hand before risking making things a whole lot worse, not to mention financially and emotionally expensive

**Her_C4** · 2nd August 2008, 13:17

Originally Posted by duckonin

GEZZZZZZZZ !!! you would have to be unlucky for that to happen

Unlucky? Unworldy or plain naive??

Originally Posted by SixPackBack

Would you buy a bike without taking it out for a good hard ride?......sex is an important part of any relationship why deny yourself?

Errm I believe I am wrong person to ask that question to.....

given as everyone on here is aware that for me personally I have bought a bike without taking it for a 'good hard ride'

.... and luckily for me have NO issues with said bike

Regarding the second half of your statement - I agree - but the question was - what if DID deny yourself for any reason, what would your response be when you found out that the garden of eden had the proverbial snake but it was totally uninterested in either Adam or Eve?

**Her_C4** · 2nd August 2008, 13:21

Originally Posted by Naki Rat

Not to criticise but perhaps enlist some professional help/advice before doing the Wikipedia diagnosis thing.

A lack of libido could well be a symptom of underlying emotional turmoil. Is the guy happy in everyday activities other than those sexual? If not what chance of depression being a factor? Maybe a bit of relationship analysis - for example is it possible he lacks confidence in bed due to a dominance issue? We all accumulate emotional baggage as we travel through life, and it has a habit of making its presence felt in a variety of ways. Complex things us human beings.

Extra-marital affairs? Sort out the problem at hand before risking making things a whole lot worse, not to mention financially and emotionally expensive

GOOD Grief! This is a situation off television not real life

(Or is it? - is it real to you?) but it did get me thinking - I know what I would do in response to the situation, but then we are all different so I wondered how would other chicks would handle it

**fire eyes** · 2nd August 2008, 13:30

I would not willingly choose a sexless relationship. I couldn't bare the thought of not touching or being intimate with my partner. I wouldnt find myself in an engagment and not know my partners preferences, he wouldnt even stand a chance with me if he was celibate, sorry.

**rachprice** · 2nd August 2008, 13:37

I dont think I could go without sex, it is a huge part of any relationship, and to me it is very very important
I just couldn't do it personally

**Number One** · 2nd August 2008, 13:45

Geez as if anyone couldn't guess what my thoughts on this would be...I mean I am so clearly 'all about sex'.

As Fire eyes has said - I also would NOT willingly choose a sexless relationship and couldn't imgaine a well rounded partnership without that intimacy.

**Her_C4** · 2nd August 2008, 13:45

Originally Posted by fire eyes

I would not willingly choose a sexless relationship. I couldn't bare the thought of not touching or being intimate with my partner.

So then - good point. Is touching and intimacy (without the act of sex itself) included in the definiton of asexuality I wonder? Or would that be a part of the loving perspective of the relationship which I assume would have occured in the instance that I was thinking about.

Although the trigger for these musings was a male character on Shortland Street and they are 'together' but not married - his character appears to be reasonalby intimate and loving on the whole - although it seems as though he has thrown his partner at other men and encouraged her to pursue an affair.

So then prompted by your post my question changes somewhat to 'is loving and touching and general intimacy, enough in a relationship under the circumstances described in my first post?'

**rachprice** · 2nd August 2008, 13:57

Touching usually is sexual or leads to sex
hmmm im still going to go with no it isnt enough

**oldguy** · 2nd August 2008, 13:58

I find women hard to under stand at times.

1 when you want sex and she doesn't, she calls you a sex maniac

2 when she wants it, and you don't, she accuses you of getting elsewhere

its a no win situation.

**Livvy** · 2nd August 2008, 14:00

I'd agree with what's been said so far.

I mean okay, I'm 17, not exactly looking at a serious relationship, but long term and thinking for the future - I know that I love closeness, and if it were a relationship that I wanted to last, I would want the intimacy of sex.

An affair could be an answer, but that would either not fulfil it for me out of the fact that I'd probably only do it for sex which just doesn't seem right to me (I think that I'd just feel bad afterwards, even if hypothesised husband encouraged it) or I would get far too attached to Mr Affair, and leave the first guy for him - which I would also not want to happen, because if I'd gone to all the trouble of making him put a ring on my finger I sure as hell wouldn't want to simply throw away what otherwise might be an amazing relationship.

**Her_C4** · 2nd August 2008, 14:01

Originally Posted by oldguy

I find women hard to under stand at times.

1 when you want sex and she doesn't, she calls you a sex maniac

2 when she wants it, and you don't, she accuses you of getting elsewhere

its a no win situation.

ha ha ha - that was random

KB hug due?