When is verbal or physical domestic violence understandable?

[fire eyes]

I threw a plate of maccoroni cheese at my ex-husband once .. because he called me a bitch .. amongst other things .. I also threw his clothes outside the bedroom window when he didnt come home one night after a night out with his mates .. I rarked him up pretty badly .. but he never hit me .. he did things in other ways that broke me .. we did some mean things to each other .. I think in a chaotic relatioship its hard, common sense and logic gets blurred by emotions .. so this is a hard question to answer .. yes there is no excuse for abuse full stop .. but there is no excuse to stay in an unhappy relationship either .. no excuse not to respect yourself or another person but sometimes you don't know what that means unless you have been through the ringer .. those who abuse and they who are abused are not much different from each other .. there is a need on both accounts for another to participate in the situation .. my dad was an abuser, he is also a very sad and lost soul who refuses to take responsibility for himself .. my mum was victim who refused (at that time) to accept that she stayed in the hope of saving Dad from himself at her own expense. Obligation is a bitch. Luckily she found her way out of it .. it was that or death.

[Winston001]

I threw a plate of maccoroni cheese at my ex-husband once .. because he called me a bitch .. amongst other things .. I also threw his clothes outside the bedroom window when he didnt come home one night after a night out with his mates .. I rarked him up pretty badly .. but he never hit me .. he did things in other ways that broke me .. we did some mean things to each other .. I think in a chaotic relatioship its hard, common sense and logic gets blurred by emotions .. so this is a hard question to answer .. yes there is no excuse for abuse full stop .. but there is no excuse to stay in an unhappy relationship either .. no excuse not to respect yourself or another person but sometimes you don't know what that means unless you have been through the ringer .. those who abuse and they who are abused are not much different from each other .. there is a need on both accounts for another to participate in the situation .. my dad was an abuser, he is also a very sad and lost soul who refuses to take responsibility for himself .. my mum was victim who refused (at that time) to accept that she stayed in the hope of saving Dad from himself at her own expense. Obligation is a bitch. Luckily she found her way out of it .. it was that or death.

You touch on some interesting points. Domestic violence is often learned - we do what we know. If dad gave mum and the kids the bash, then we grow up thinking it's normal. And repeat it. Fortunately not everyone does that.

Women often choose men like their father. That's why good women pick losers. They do so in the hope that they can reform the guy. Doesn't tend to work out.

I don't believe verbal or physical violence is acceptable. I do think there are times when it is understandable. Human beings aren't logical or rational - we have strong emotions which make up our personalities, generally good but sometimes bad.

[buellbabe]

You touch on some interesting points. Domestic violence is often learned - we do what we know. If dad gave mum and the kids the bash, then we grow up thinking it's normal. And repeat it.

The guy that abused me grew up in a Bike Gang headquarters (some of you remeber the Gypsy Rogues?)...he witnessed his mother getting the bash on many occasions.
BUT he was and is a highly intelligent bloke and knows that sort of behaviour is NOT ok and yet somehow he couldn't stop himself from repeating the same cycle...its sad.

[ynot slow]

The guy that abused me grew up in a Bike Gang headquarters (some of you remeber the Gypsy Rogues?)...he witnessed his mother getting the bash on many occasions.
BUT he was and is a highly intelligent bloke and knows that sort of behaviour is NOT ok and yet somehow he couldn't stop himself from repeating the same cycle...its sad.

Obviously wasn't that intelligent when it came to emotions,intelligent in everylife sure maybe,but brain dead at emotional maybe,maybe from trying to block out what he saw as a kid.

Also a real way out thought here,remember when we could do dangerous type activities i.e bullrush,etc at school,my thinking is a few guys at school were the types to bash literally their way through,same with rugby,seems say 20 yrs later you find out their dad whacked them or the wife since primary school days,this lead to them taking that stance on the playing field.Noone was going to beat them.

[peasea]

Probably just not yours for rather obvious reasons.

Ya fuckin' what?

What the fuck would you know about any complaint I have made against the police? Were you there? I doubt it.

So, what are these "obvious reasons" of which you speak?

[Patrick]

nope. public cant lay charges. public lay complaints. it is up to the police to bring the charges.

Steven WALLACE shooting - private prosecution...

A complaint against the police taken seriously??????


Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

WRONG!

"Serious" complaints are...

Ya fuckin' what?

What the fuck would you know about any complaint I have made against the police? Were you there? I doubt it.

So, what are these "obvious reasons" of which you speak?

Vexatious litigant, perhaps...

[NOWOOL]

First off, I have an issue with the term "verbal abuse". Abuse means 'to harm'. If words can be abusive then the most abusive word is "NO".

As far as domestic physical abuse is concerned, my take is that if someone is trying to hurt you then they don't 'love you'. Love means putting someone else's welfare above your own.

[peasea]

Steven WALLACE shooting - private prosecution...



"Serious" complaints are...



Vexatious litigant, perhaps...

Or perhaps the workings of an ubiased observer.....

You're losing cred rapidly here pal. "Holier than thou" and all that.

It's endemic with the police and you're a prime example (if comments like that are your credos) of the po-leese lifestyle. Pull your fuckin' head in before I make flu connections.

Vex.Lit my arse! That pisses me off. Sometimes you say sensible things and I know we've agreed/disagreed in the past but Vex Lit? That epitomises the self righteous copper to a T. Fuck you. Fuck you.

(And I've been for ride today, observing the rules, no hurry, taking in the suuny autumn rays........had a goodie. Then someone comes along and does what?)

I'm going out to buy a pack of Tamiflu...........to ward off the sneezing, coughing, dribbling pigs.

Patrick! If your post is indicative of the police attitude to PCA complaints; Suck my dick!

[scumdog]

Or perhaps the workings of an ubiased observer.....

You're losing cred rapidly here pal. "Holier than thou" and all that.

It's endemic with the police and you're a prime example (if comments like that are your credos) of the po-leese lifestyle. Pull your fuckin' head in before I make flu connections.

Vex.Lit my arse! That pisses me off. Sometimes you say sensible things and I know we've agreed/disagreed in the past but Vex Lit? That epitomises the self righteous copper to a T. Fuck you. Fuck you.

(And I've been for ride today, observing the rules, no hurry, taking in the suuny autumn rays........had a goodie. Then someone comes along and does what?)

I'm going out to buy a pack of Tamiflu...........to ward off the sneezing, coughing, dribbling pigs.

Patrick! If your post is indicative of the police attitude to PCA complaints; Suck my dick!

Hmmm, a man with more PCA experience than myself I'd say....

[short-circuit]

Or perhaps the workings of an ubiased observer.....

You're losing cred rapidly here pal. "Holier than thou" and all that.

It's endemic with the police and you're a prime example (if comments like that are your credos) of the po-leese lifestyle. Pull your fuckin' head in before I make flu connections.

Vex.Lit my arse! That pisses me off. Sometimes you say sensible things and I know we've agreed/disagreed in the past but Vex Lit? That epitomises the self righteous copper to a T. Fuck you. Fuck you.

(And I've been for ride today, observing the rules, no hurry, taking in the suuny autumn rays........had a goodie. Then someone comes along and does what?)

I'm going out to buy a pack of Tamiflu...........to ward off the sneezing, coughing, dribbling pigs.

Patrick! If your post is indicative of the police attitude to PCA complaints; Suck my dick!

I think Patrick is an apologist for shite police behaviour but you sure know how to make a tit of yourself at times

[smoky]

Imagine if someone you knew was a bully - kept arguing with people and pushing people around, every one would avoid him
imagine if he lost it with someone down the pub and smacked them in the face - police would be called and he would be charged. We'd all say he desrved to be charged

We wouldn't invite this person on a KB ride - probably

So is it any different if it's toward his partner in life?
why do we need to even have this conversation?
Shit happens - if you loose it, you pay the price
If it's more than a 'one off' thing then you've got a problem - get help

[cc rider]

First off, I have an issue with the term "verbal abuse". Abuse means 'to harm'. If words can be abusive then the most abusive word is "NO".

Not sure if I understanding what you mean there, sorry.

When someone is being abused they are also being emotionally/phsycologically abused. It can be subtle.
It can cause mental impairment and leave them in a weaken state of wellbeing, self-concept.

So what I'm trying to say, though not very well, is that that the 'words' are accompanied with certain types of behaviour that the Abuser inflicts on their victim to obtain 'control'. The harm (power) of the 'words' can come from how they are delivered.

....if someone is trying to hurt you then they don't 'love you'. Love means putting someone else's welfare above your own.

Physical abuse can also occur in the workplace, social groups, peer groups etc, so no 'love' there necessarily.

Abuse is a behaviour & we all have different coping mechanisms.

Your right, love does means putting someone else's welfare above your own.

I think you are saying why hang around if someone is treating you or yours this way.
How much time have you got. I hope you have been able to read the variuos threads. It'll give you some insight into the environments some of us have been or are in.

(oh god I type slow)

[peasea]

Hmmm, a man with more PCA experience than myself I'd say....

And your point Scummy?

My experience with the PCA has taught me that cops lie. What has it taught it you? (How to lie, perhaps??) You can't deny that very few complaints against the PCA are upheld (3% at last count). That doesn't mean that 97% of complainants are liars, we all know that.

Perhaps you're the 'one in a thousand' who is a half decent cop? Perhaps the people in your 'patch' haven't got the ability ('repsect' to them) to write a letter to the PCA? Lucky, perhaps, for you. I don't know. Reports about you point to the former but let's face facts; this is KB, not the real world.

Therin lies the difference.

[peasea]

I think Patrick is an apologist for shite police behaviour but you sure know how to make a tit of yourself at times

As does Patrick.

But he's the expert, not me.

[scumdog]

And your point Scummy?

My experience with the PCA has taught me that cops lie. What has it taught it you? (How to lie, perhaps??) You can't deny that very few complaints against the PCA are upheld (3% at last count). That doesn't mean that 97% of complainants are liars, we all know that.

Perhaps you're the 'one in a thousand' who is a half decent cop? Perhaps the people in your 'patch' haven't got the ability ('repsect' to them) to write a letter to the PCA? Lucky, perhaps, for you. I don't know. Reports about you point to the former but let's face facts; this is KB, not the real world.

Therin lies the difference.

And the real world I live in is very, very bereft of PCA-likely incidents..

Had no PCA complaints against myself (make of that what you will) and the ones I have been privy to were from.. er.. vexatious people shall we say...with an axe to grind.