Priceless!!!!!!!!!

[Lias]

Great joke, but as the herpetologist in me would like to point out. There are a variety of lizards that give birth to live young.

Most notably politicians, lawyers, IRD staff :-)

[Sniper]

Most notably politicians, lawyers, IRD staff :-)

Hahahaha, Im all blung out, but as soon as Im topped up you get some.

You have herpes ??

I errrr, could I borrow your cream again

[nodrog:Me]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wif e in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $339.99
Hot Breakfast $6.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[kickingzebra]

THAT, is the maschizzlenizzle!!!!
Love it!!

[MSTRS:Me]

So is this...(NWS)

[Street Gerbil]

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


-----=======-----


A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".



-----=======-----


A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!


-----=======-----


The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.

"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.


-----=======-----


A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."

-----=======-----

A biker has been in a small town in the Midwest for two weeks when he begins to miss his wife. After another two weeks, he just can't stand it anymore. He decides to visit a brothel in town.

He goes up to the madam and says, "Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst blow job in the house."

"But sir," says the madam, "For a hundred dollars, you don't have a settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best."

"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand. I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

-----=======-----

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...

Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??"

God says, "Yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3 The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on."

God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my data, more people are riding my invention than yours."

-----=======-----

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Swoop]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Sounds like WINJA's dog...

[special_jimmy]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, bike mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the bike engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

[Sniper]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, bike mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the bike engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

You are new and have special needs, I shal grand you a pardon from this repost

[Brett]

You are new and have special needs, I shal grand you a pardon from this repost

Special Jimmy - watch our for Sniper, he is a hard bastard with reposts!

First time i heard that one, i like it!

[Leviticus]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!