My Mum has advanced bone cancer

[Waihou Thumper]

I found out today...I guess I am venting my emotions here, rather than ranting...
Never have I had to deal with something like this. Family members have passed in the UK and I hear third hand, but this is different.
Mum doesn't want any help, treatment other than drugs I guess to make her comfortable..
She comes home tomorrow and Dad is upbeat, said that the kids shouldn't give a hard time. I respect this...
The thing is, she knows, has known and we carry on, be a family etc...

One thing Mum wants to do is meet others in similar situations. There is a group etc and the local hospital board will send out someone regularly to help deal with symptoms, good or bad over time.
If it gets bad Mum could lose the ability to walk, it is advanced enough and there is this possibility...

Years of working with animals, vet nurse. Mum and all of us have witnessed animals in distress. She wants to come home, live life and carry on. I respect this...It is hard though.
Never have I had to deal with this, I am having trouble, what to do? I am the eldest...
I cannot be selfish, that I know...

[Akzle]

Never have I had to deal with this, I am having trouble, what to do? I am the eldest...

do about what?


get your own head right.

we all die some time. (or, we never really die), death's what allows us to recognise life.

life, to be enjoyed while we have it.

[Waihou Thumper]

do about what?

get your own head right.

Yes, thank you...I guess..

[jim.cox]

Geez, it doesn't half rain but it pours - sorry for your troubles

[Stirts]

There is nothing you can do but respect her wishes and be there for her.

Enjoy the time you have left with her...great memories are what will help you and your family deal with the loss once she is gone.

[Oakie]

Would help to know roughly how old you are. A 25 year old and a 60 year old facing this are two completely different things.

I'm going through a similar thing with my mum. She finds out if she qualifies for a particular operation in a couple of weeks. If she can have the op, we'll have her for years. If she can't have the op, we've only got her for a few months. We're taking our cues from her. She wants to live but she's prepared to die.

[Katiepie]

We all deal with Cancer and illness in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to handle each day as it comes - but that may be one way you choose to step through things... One day at a time. A lot going on for your mum, and your whole family right now. She is going to handle it differently from you also as she will be facing her own fears within herself, questions running around in her head. If she chooses to come home and carry on life as normal, then full respect to her. It does not mean that is the best thing for you. Focus on your own thoughts, while being mindful of hers. My father shut down and didn't want to talk about it at all, kept working and got really angry when I would try to mention I wanted to get some photos with him or video him playing music as he did so beutifully on any instrument he picked up. That was his way, and I had to respect that. I spoke to my mum in private to be able to talk about things like I need to for me, and that was my way.

Thoughts are with you all at this time. Too many families have to face these situations and challenges, but together will be the best thing for your mum, every step of the way. Wishing you all the best on her return home

[Waihou Thumper]

Would help to know roughly how old you are. A 25 year old and a 60 year old facing this are two completely different things.

I'm going through a similar thing with my mum. She finds out if she qualifies for a particular operation in a couple of weeks. If she can have the op, we'll have her for years. If she can't have the op, we've only got her for a few months. We're taking our cues from her. She wants to live but she's prepared to die.

Hi, Just turned 51....Mum is young 66...(she was young, they got married, been together 51 years!)
I am amazed how many of us here have had to deal with these things, not that I am a unique case...
I see there are a few posts and I guess everyone here is upbeat, deal with it, respect and consider both sides of the fence....
It all makes sense...
Mum doesn't want anything, no radiation, chemo....NADA!
When the doctor gave the news and further diagnosis, Mum said first up, DNR please....
She is a strong lass, opinionated, but also has a fifth sense...

[Waihou Thumper]

We all deal with Cancer and illness in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to handle each day as it comes - but that may be one way you choose to step through things... One day at a time. A lot going on for your mum, and your whole family right now. She is going to handle it differently from you also as she will be facing her own fears within herself, questions running around in her head. If she chooses to come home and carry on life as normal, then full respect to her. It does not mean that is the best thing for you. Focus on your own thoughts, while being mindful of hers. My father shut down and didn't want to talk about it at all, kept working and got really angry when I would try to mention I wanted to get some photos with him or video him playing music as he did so beutifully on any instrument he picked up. That was his way, and I had to respect that. I spoke to my mum in private to be able to talk about things like I need to for me, and that was my way.

Thoughts are with you all at this time. Too many families have to face these situations and challenges, but together will be the best thing for your mum, every step of the way. Wishing you all the best on her return home

Thank you, that is valuable and much appreciated...
Differently, on both sides is what I see hear and have to respect this, like you did..

[Stirts]

Hi, Just turned 51....Mum is young 66...(she was young, they got married, been together 51 years!)
I am amazed how many of us here have had to deal with these things, not that I am a unique case...
I see there are a few posts and I guess everyone here is upbeat, deal with it, respect and consider both sides of the fence....
It all makes sense...
Mum doesn't want anything, no radiation, chemo....NADA!
When the doctor gave the news and further diagnosis, Mum said first up, DNR please....
She is a strong lass, opinionated, but also has a fifth sense...

Yes that DNR is a hard pill to swallow. That was my Dads wishes at a young 51yrs. ..I struggled to sign that off. But that is what he wanted. Support her. Love her.

[Waihou Thumper]

Yes that DNR is a hard pill to swallow. That was my Dads wishes at a young 51yrs. ..I struggled to sign that off. But that is what he wanted. Support her. Love her.

Respect...Thanks. Dad said the exact same thing to me on the phone not an hour ago..

[Akzle]

I guess everyone here is upbeat, deal with it, respect and consider both sides of the fence....
It all makes sense...

you dont have to be upbeat, you can be a depressive cunt if you want.
But. Get your head right. Youre no use or help to anyone else if youre not 'right' within yourself.

You are the one who has to live your life. Regret nothing.

I recommend some buddhist zen ommmmm shit, but that may not be right for you.

[Waihou Thumper]

you dont have to be upbeat, you can be a depressive cunt if you want.
But. Get your head right. Youre no use or help to anyone else if youre not 'right' within yourself.

You are the one who has to live your life. Regret nothing.

You know, you do actually make sense here...Both in the first sentence and the absolute last...Thank you.
Well, almost the last....

[Madness]

As males we're hard-wire programmed to "fix things". It's what we do. Sometimes though, such as in the situation you find yourself in now, it can't be "fixed" and we struggle to come to terms. What you're experiencing right now, the emotions, feelings and incredible confusion is all natural. You'll be right mate.

[amberzfire]

I'm really sorry to hear .. I can't offer any words of support that haven't already been said, it takes real courage to open up and talk about the stuff that hurts. One day at a time eh.