My Mum has advanced bone cancer

[Laava]

I can understand her not wanting to do the chemo and radio. That shit is very hard on the body. Is she open to trying a dietary thing tho? Such as loads of fresh vege juices etc and maybe the vitamin C overload treatment? It is cheap and the benefits can be quite positive with an extremely low chance of any side effects.
More importantly, it can be therapeutic which I believe can only be good.
You have my sympathies too, and sounds like you are dealing with it in a healthy way, ie, venting etc. good luck.

[Waihou Thumper]

I can understand her not wanting to do the chemo and radio. That shit is very hard on the body. Is she open to trying a dietary thing tho? Such as loads of fresh vege juices etc and maybe the vitamin C overload treatment? It is cheap and the benefits can be quite positive with an extremely low chance of any side effects.
More importantly, it can be therapeutic which I believe can only be good.
You have my sympathies too, and sounds like you are dealing with it in a healthy way, ie, venting etc. good luck.

Thanks...I will mention this. I am sure Mum is also well versed in alternatives, holistic, reiki, and homeopathy. I guess this the main reason for her personal beliefs as well.

[Mom]

I am sorry to hear of the challenge ahead for you and yours. I think everyone has their own way of dealing with this sort of thing. Only advice I can offer is respect your Moms wishes and love her, lots! Look after yourself and go with the flow. Take care eh.

[caseye]

2006 was a shit year fro me and mine. Like you my mum found out she had non operable nasties.
Like your mum, she said no, came home and lived her last months and days the way she wanted.
Hard out for us all, 2 sons and a daughter she wanted for nothing and gave us her all, as she always had.
Love her and respect her choice, do all you can and always, always remind her you love her, she's the one leaving and in greatest need of assurance that you are all going to be OK.
my kids and my wife kept me sane, my brother, sister and I kept our dad sane and mum, well she fretted about us all to the last.
Be there for her, hold her hand and she will want for nothing more.
Aroha mate, theres an ear and or a shoulder here and practically everywhere else you might look here.

[mashman]

Bagga. Take a week off and laugh and cry with her and ask her all of those questions you've never asked before. Remember to grieve and take as long as you need to as there is no time limit on grief.

All the best.

[Kiwi Graham:Me]

Going through a similar thing with my Dad WT,

Concluded just being there and making every day count as a family important, helping him tick off on his bucket list.
Dont get me wrong not treating him with kid gloves or anything, still have awesome arguments but getting on with getting on if you know what I mean.

A little bit of denial sits in there still, since he has had a few chemo sessions he feels better but the clock still ticks.
To sit down at the end of the day having had a good day is whats important for us at the moent anyway.

[R650R]

Sorry to hear this Waihou. Lost my Father at 57 to Acute Leukemia about 4 years ago after a year of hospital treatment.

One thing you can be sure of is the backup and support services from various agencies are top notch.
I understand you Mums decision, did a lot of research myself when Dad became ill and after watching what he went through with chemo and other relates stuff I don't think I'd want to spend my final days the same way.
Your Mum at her age has probably seen other friends and family go through it I'd say and probably a factor in her decision.
She is still entitled to help from the hospital with blood transfusions, platelets etc even if not doing full chemo thing.

Its one thing I try to say to people I know without pushing it is you need to think about what you would do. As when it happens you don't really have time to think.
Dad had prob had various symptons (about 20 different indicators, all nothing on their own) in the preceding several years. Then one day during a trip to Doctor in work lunch break Mum made him tell the doctor all the symptons.
He was taken straight to hospital, stayed overnight then medevac flight flown to palmy hospital (they are experts there in bone cancer stuff) next day, about 2 hours after I found out.
To top it off local hospital had superbug outbreak so he was quarantined in palmy, couldn't even leave his room for about 3 days before the treatment started several days later...

The leukemia creates lots of defunct white blood cells and along with the chemo crushes the immune system so during this time even the common cold can just about kill the patient.
Dad got Pnuemonia and rotovirus on separate occasions while in hospital, seeing the inside of ICU sure made me ride a little slower.

In the end he died of a brain anuerysim which the doctors had warned us of about a month earlier of being in the risk zone for that as the chemo drugs weaken the blood vessels.

For now you just need to be there for her and make sure everyones coordinated timewise so she's always got someone to talk to etc. Get into practise of good hygiene for the household and maybe look at access issues later.

Feel free to PM with any questions, prob all a bit much to take in this early of just finding out.

[5150]

Sorry to hear that Mark. Stay positive, and I know it is easier to say then do. But I think if she sees you depressed and stressed, it will make her battle even harder cause she will see you suffering as well. I don't think she would want to remember you like that, especially if there is only a short time remaining. Best you can do is be there for her, and enjoy the time you have with her with positive things, I am sure that is how you want to remember her, all the positives, not the negatives. Enjoy the time and be there for your mum. That is all that matters now.


Give us a yell if you in the Tron and want to catch up or go for a ride mate. We here for ya.

[Eddieb]

Sorry to hear that Mark.

I've been having kinda similiar issues with my mum. She was given 2 years about 18 months ago and was a pivotal reason for me moving back up from Wellington. She has COPD(emphysemia) from smoking and a year ago was diagnosed with kidney cancer, some days she can barely walk because it's so hard for her to breath and she has very little energy.

Fortunately the cancer was solely in one kidney so a standard kidney removal removed that and she seems to be clear but she still has the COPD. If she stops smoking for a month the COPD pretty much dissappears and she can brethe and has lots of energy, but she won't. She continues to smoke even though it's making her life hell and killing her.

She 63, and she's fucked.

[Paul in NZ]

Look – I’m really really sorry to hear this, It’s pretty devastating stuff.

You have had some superb advice here from unexpected quarters so I think you are pretty well covered. But I will just add my perspective.

We lost our mother VERY unexpectedly – she dropped stone dead on the golf course playing in the final of the ladies club championships. The event was well attended by medical types and many many of her friends but she was dead before she hit the ground. The shock to us all was profound.

Dad passed away from dementia many years later – it was a slow way to go but mercifully he was well cared for and knew little of it as it progress. It was awfully had to watch the man who had given me everything and my love for getting out the spanners, go in this fashion.

Two very different passing's and each was very difficult.

There is no easy way to go. But to do what your mother is doing does require courage – immense courage. Don’t think for a second that she isn’t bricking it though. I would be… I still remember when the man in the white coat gave me my diagnosis and even though it was fixable – that didn’t register like the ‘C’ word did. Shocked does not even come into it.

If you think about how this has made you feel – I’d say it’s a thousand time more intense for your mother. BUT it’s her decision. Yeah she is your mum, always will be and mums are special but before that she is a person in her own right and she has just had to make the shitest (and bravest) decision of her life. So all I can say is that you just need to be there and support her as much as you can – don’t put off those conversations where you tell her you love her and thank her for everything she has done because you won’t get an opportunity later – and you will be unhappy you missed out if you don’t.

Oh – an feel free to vent your heart out here – dunno why but it helps sometimes…

[Ulsterkiwi]

hi, I wanted to add my expression of support.
this is a tough time, plain and simple, being confronted with the mortality of a loved one is a big ask.
there has been a lot of wisdom expressed in the other replies you have have had, listen to it all, use what resonates with you.

Like Akzle says you have to get your head right first, then you can be some use to your mum and the rest of your family. Some of the stuff I have done has meant training for emergencies or rescues or dealing with the unexpected, one thing is always core, you have to be safe before you can help anyone else.

Deciding what to do with treatments and things like that is hard, but healing can take many forms and there is more to us than our physical bodies. Many would argue healing of the mind and soul are more important and more lasting. You are open and reflective, that's a huge thing, don't lose it, keep talking and don't for one second think you always have to be on top of things or always know the answers

If you want information about what support is available the Cancer Society freephone service is really good (0800 CANCER). Its not about pushing hardcore treatments, they have a pretty holistic approach to support and information and it helps you avoid the inevitable sellers of snake oil who abound out there.

I don't work for the Cancer Society but my job means I know about this stuff, feel free to PM me with any questions.

[Akzle]

In the end he died of a brain anuerysim which the doctors had warned us of about a month earlier of being in the risk zone for that as the chemo drugs weaken the blood vessels.

any one, any time.
aneurysms are god's lightswtich on you. no history or illness required, you drop dead.

which i guess is my way of saying... fuck it all, blow your savings on whores and coke.

[Waihou Thumper]

I am sorry to hear of the challenge ahead for you and yours. I think everyone has their own way of dealing with this sort of thing. Only advice I can offer is respect your Moms wishes and love her, lots! Look after yourself and go with the flow. Take care eh.

Thank you, yes...

2006 was a shit year fro me and mine. Like you my mum found out she had non operable nasties.
Like your mum, she said no, came home and lived her last months and days the way she wanted.
Hard out for us all, 2 sons and a daughter she wanted for nothing and gave us her all, as she always had.
Love her and respect her choice, do all you can and always, always remind her you love her, she's the one leaving and in greatest need of assurance that you are all going to be OK.
my kids and my wife kept me sane, my brother, sister and I kept our dad sane and mum, well she fretted about us all to the last.
Be there for her, hold her hand and she will want for nothing more.
Aroha mate, theres an ear and or a shoulder here and practically everywhere else you might look here.

Awesome, appreciated. I have support here, that really counts in this environment.

Sorry to hear this Waihou. Lost my Father at 57 to Acute Leukemia about 4 years ago after a year of hospital treatment.

One thing you can be sure of is the backup and support services from various agencies are top notch.
I understand you Mums decision, did a lot of research myself when Dad became ill and after watching what he went through with chemo and other relates stuff I don't think I'd want to spend my final days the same way.
Your Mum at her age has probably seen other friends and family go through it I'd say and probably a factor in her decision.
She is still entitled to help from the hospital with blood transfusions, platelets etc even if not doing full chemo thing.

Its one thing I try to say to people I know without pushing it is you need to think about what you would do. As when it happens you don't really have time to think.
Dad had prob had various symptons (about 20 different indicators, all nothing on their own) in the preceding several years. Then one day during a trip to Doctor in work lunch break Mum made him tell the doctor all the symptons.
He was taken straight to hospital, stayed overnight then medevac flight flown to palmy hospital (they are experts there in bone cancer stuff) next day, about 2 hours after I found out.
To top it off local hospital had superbug outbreak so he was quarantined in palmy, couldn't even leave his room for about 3 days before the treatment started several days later...

The leukemia creates lots of defunct white blood cells and along with the chemo crushes the immune system so during this time even the common cold can just about kill the patient.
Dad got Pnuemonia and rotovirus on separate occasions while in hospital, seeing the inside of ICU sure made me ride a little slower.

In the end he died of a brain anuerysim which the doctors had warned us of about a month earlier of being in the risk zone for that as the chemo drugs weaken the blood vessels.

For now you just need to be there for her and make sure everyones coordinated timewise so she's always got someone to talk to etc. Get into practise of good hygiene for the household and maybe look at access issues later.

Feel free to PM with any questions, prob all a bit much to take in this early of just finding out.

Thanks .....I didn't realise just how much this affects all of us...A motorcycle forum and we have all had similar events happen.

Going through a similar thing with my Dad WT,

Concluded just being there and making every day count as a family important, helping him tick off on his bucket list.
Dont get me wrong not treating him with kid gloves or anything, still have awesome arguments but getting on with getting on if you know what I mean.

A little bit of denial sits in there still, since he has had a few chemo sessions he feels better but the clock still ticks.
To sit down at the end of the day having had a good day is whats important for us at the moent anyway.

What is important is everything you guys are mentioning here....

Sorry to hear that Mark. Stay positive, and I know it is easier to say then do. But I think if she sees you depressed and stressed, it will make her battle even harder cause she will see you suffering as well. I don't think she would want to remember you like that, especially if there is only a short time remaining. Best you can do is be there for her, and enjoy the time you have with her with positive things, I am sure that is how you want to remember her, all the positives, not the negatives. Enjoy the time and be there for your mum. That is all that matters now.
Give us a yell if you in the Tron and want to catch up or go for a ride mate. We here for ya.

Thanks a bunch....Fuck it, I will buy another bike...Life is short!

Sorry to hear that Mark.

I've been having kinda similiar issues with my mum. She was given 2 years about 18 months ago and was a pivotal reason for me moving back up from Wellington. She has COPD(emphysemia) from smoking and a year ago was diagnosed with kidney cancer, some days she can barely walk because it's so hard for her to breath and she has very little energy.

Fortunately the cancer was solely in one kidney so a standard kidney removal removed that and she seems to be clear but she still has the COPD. If she stops smoking for a month the COPD pretty much dissappears and she can brethe and has lots of energy, but she won't. She continues to smoke even though it's making her life hell and killing her.

She 63, and she's fucked.

63!, shit that is young.....I guess she knows and wants to carry on, so what can you do aye? Decision rests on the person right? Just like in my case too..

Look – I’m really really sorry to hear this, It’s pretty devastating stuff.

You have had some superb advice here from unexpected quarters so I think you are pretty well covered. But I will just add my perspective.

We lost our mother VERY unexpectedly – she dropped stone dead on the golf course playing in the final of the ladies club championships. The event was well attended by medical types and many many of her friends but she was dead before she hit the ground. The shock to us all was profound.

Dad passed away from dementia many years later – it was a slow way to go but mercifully he was well cared for and knew little of it as it progress. It was awfully had to watch the man who had given me everything and my love for getting out the spanners, go in this fashion.

Two very different passing's and each was very difficult.

There is no easy way to go. But to do what your mother is doing does require courage – immense courage. Don’t think for a second that she isn’t bricking it though. I would be… I still remember when the man in the white coat gave me my diagnosis and even though it was fixable – that didn’t register like the ‘C’ word did. Shocked does not even come into it.

If you think about how this has made you feel – I’d say it’s a thousand time more intense for your mother. BUT it’s her decision. Yeah she is your mum, always will be and mums are special but before that she is a person in her own right and she has just had to make the shitest (and bravest) decision of her life. So all I can say is that you just need to be there and support her as much as you can – don’t put off those conversations where you tell her you love her and thank her for everything she has done because you won’t get an opportunity later – and you will be unhappy you missed out if you don’t.

Oh – an feel free to vent your heart out here – dunno why but it helps sometimes…

It is helping and sorry for your loss mate...

hi, I wanted to add my expression of support.
this is a tough time, plain and simple, being confronted with the mortality of a loved one is a big ask.
there has been a lot of wisdom expressed in the other replies you have have had, listen to it all, use what resonates with you.

Like Akzle says you have to get your head right first, then you can be some use to your mum and the rest of your family. Some of the stuff I have done has meant training for emergencies or rescues or dealing with the unexpected, one thing is always core, you have to be safe before you can help anyone else.

Deciding what to do with treatments and things like that is hard, but healing can take many forms and there is more to us than our physical bodies. Many would argue healing of the mind and soul are more important and more lasting. You are open and reflective, that's a huge thing, don't lose it, keep talking and don't for one second think you always have to be on top of things or always know the answers

If you want information about what support is available the Cancer Society freephone service is really good (0800 CANCER). Its not about pushing hardcore treatments, they have a pretty holistic approach to support and information and it helps you avoid the inevitable sellers of snake oil who abound out there.

I don't work for the Cancer Society but my job means I know about this stuff, feel free to PM me with any questions.

Thank you. I am not there at the moment but just want to offer support to Mum as everyone states...I don't want to know about anything really. I want Mum to be happy and especially Dad too...They have been best friends for 51 years...I am worried about him too...I guess time will tell. Christmas is going to be fun, I don't do these things well.

[240]

Shit that's terrible news .Your Mums your Mum and she allways will be .All the best for you and your family mate.

[Waihou Thumper]

Mum is home and I have had a good long chat. I gave support and we had a laugh. It turns out she has hid this from the kids for 10 years...
But she knew and put on a brave face, didn't want anyone to worry, other than my Dad, who also knew...
Wow, a bit of a shock there...