Depression...

**Curious_AJ** · 1st October 2007, 23:36

thanks jen...

though I've been keeping it to myself for the past 6 years pretty much... gone through everything, seeking solutions to my problems and looking normal on the outside. I've perfected the "I'm happy" look when I'm at parties or gatherings or hanging with my mates.

Just that this year it's all sort of worn me down a bit, I guess all I'm saying is.. forgive me for being a dick, sometimes I can't help it, and sometimes I don't want to help it... I've been the agony aunt for others my whole life pretty much(yep, even at primary I was a peer counsellor) and I've helped myself through shit. But there ARE times when one wants to mope and be a biatch because it's just a way things are let out when it has gotten to the point where how stressed I am, is my chief concern.

now that I've gotten that off my chest, and I hope I said it right, because I know lots of people don't get me, coz I'm not good with words. I just hope that it shed some light as to why I have been acting like a dick. And I'm sorry to all of you. But bare with me.

cheers

**MyGSXF:Me** · 2nd October 2007, 01:12

Originally Posted by Curious_AJ

thanks jen...

though I've been keeping it to myself for the past 6 years pretty much... gone through everything, seeking solutions to my problems and looking normal on the outside. I've perfected the "I'm happy" look when I'm at parties or gatherings or hanging with my mates.

Just that this year it's all sort of worn me down a bit, I guess all I'm saying is.. forgive me for being a dick, sometimes I can't help it, and sometimes I don't want to help it... I've been the agony aunt for others my whole life pretty much(yep, even at primary I was a peer counsellor) and I've helped myself through shit. But there ARE times when one wants to mope and be a biatch because it's just a way things are let out when it has gotten to the point where how stressed I am, is my chief concern.

now that I've gotten that off my chest, and I hope I said it right, because I know lots of people don't get me, coz I'm not good with words. I just hope that it shed some light as to why I have been acting like a dick. And I'm sorry to all of you. But bare with me.

cheers

There's nothing to 'forgive' sweets.. it's all part of this thing called 'life'.. learning & growing, & growing up. I remember being 18.. (it was a stretch to reach back that far though..

) & I remember I was an incredibly insecure, shy & very unhappy girl who lived behind a mask of being the 'family clown' so that people wouldn't see how terribly unhappy I really was! I knew my family 'wasn't right' but I didn't know what was 'wrong'. The feeling stayed with me for many years! I searched for answers but didn't really know what I was searching for. Then I guess when I was 'really ready' to understand, the answers started appearing through a sequence of courses I found & did. There's an old saying that goes "when the student is ready, the master appears". The courses led me to my counsillor & in her I found my 'master'. To be honest, sometimes I feel like meeting her literally saved my life! I look back on the young child/girl/teenager/young adult I was, & I think what a waste of years & a waste of potential! It's only been the past few years that I have come to learn WHO I am & just what I am capable of!! I still don't know exactly "where" I want to go yet, but I'm working on that one!!

I sure know what stress is all about sweets, sometimes I feel like I am drowning in it!! my bike is my sanity saver!!!! so I hate the Winter when I can't ride & I miss the warmth of the sun on my face! I feel quite flat in the Winter! But ya gotta get out there & find something that will help in other ways. Have you got a local Womans House?? The one here in Nelson runs some great courses!! I went to one at the end of last year & met a great bunch of women, we still get together each month for a coffee & catchup natter. What I'm trying to say there is, I found that it makes a huge difference meeting other women, especially, who you can talk with & who are struggling with the same sorts of issues/problems! It's very cathartic & healing!!!! suddenly, you find you are not the "only one", you don't feel "alone" anymore, & you form special bonds & can be there for each other!! I've been bought up with & have always tended to get along better with males (maybe coz I'm such a tomboy!!!

) but I have been quite surprised & pleasantly, just how nice it is to form special bonds with other women!! (& not in a kinky way either!!

)

You're a great person AJ, you've got a great personality & sense of humour.. you're young & the world is yours for the taking.. grab hold of it with both hands & don't let go girl!! I understand where you come from, I've been there.. and just because something "is" now.. doesn't mean it has to stay that way!! It's YOUR life babe & only YOU can change it.. reach down deep inside & you'll find the way through these dark times. Open your consciousness to the light & things will start to happen for you.

This is your LIFE, not a dress rehersal & opportunities are everywhere! Feel the fear & do it anyway!! & when things are difficult, don't give up.. don't quit before the miracle happens! Be resolute in up holding what is good! Forgive yourself for past mistakes and learn from the experience of them! Follow your intuition as it is your inner guide.. he who seeks WILL find!

& above all.. be gentle on yourself!!

Jen

**RiderInBlack** · 2nd October 2007, 07:13

Originally Posted by MyGSXF

There's an old saying that goes "when the student is ready, the master appears".

Ooh so true

Have had that happen many times in my life, and from the strangest sources. Almost Mystical:spudwow:
Would bling ya again but too soon after the last one. Totally Awesome Jen

**vifferman** · 2nd October 2007, 09:30

Originally Posted by Curious_AJ

I just hope that it shed some light as to why I have been acting like a dick. And I'm sorry to all of you. But bare with me.

Believe it or not, AJ, we're not anti-AJ (or at least, I'm not).
I just got really frustrated because I like to help people and you were doing a good job of apparently wallowing in your sadness and refusing help.

I have a son who is often very depressed and who has attempted suicide a few times, and it's really wearing me down, so I find it hard to be sympathetic at times. Sympathy doesn't really fix things - it might spur someone to action or words, and they're what's important, not making the "right noises" and saying, "there, there - it'll be OK" (although some times that can help).

Don't be sorry - be determined. Decide to fix your life, and go for it.

**Joni** · 2nd October 2007, 09:32

Originally Posted by vifferman

Don't be sorry - be determined. Decide to fix your life, and go for it.

Amen! preach brother preach....

Very well said Viffer... AJ, like I said to you one step at a time... but you need to commit to taking the steps and go for it.

**Grahameeboy** · 2nd October 2007, 09:42

Originally Posted by Curious_AJ

thanks jen...

though I've been keeping it to myself for the past 6 years pretty much... gone through everything, seeking solutions to my problems and looking normal on the outside. I've perfected the "I'm happy" look when I'm at parties or gatherings or hanging with my mates.

Just that this year it's all sort of worn me down a bit, I guess all I'm saying is.. forgive me for being a dick, sometimes I can't help it, and sometimes I don't want to help it... I've been the agony aunt for others my whole life pretty much(yep, even at primary I was a peer counsellor) and I've helped myself through shit. But there ARE times when one wants to mope and be a biatch because it's just a way things are let out when it has gotten to the point where how stressed I am, is my chief concern.

now that I've gotten that off my chest, and I hope I said it right, because I know lots of people don't get me, coz I'm not good with words. I just hope that it shed some light as to why I have been acting like a dick. And I'm sorry to all of you. But bare with me.

I think that putting on a happy face is actually harder than trying to sort things out sometimes.

We do not see thngs from your world so we cannot criticise or call you a dick even if we have our own problems......but self pity will not help you and at some stage you need to do something, even if it is small thing to kick start things...you may go 2 steps forward and then 1 step back but this is still moving forward.

Going to a gym perhaps...not everyones cuppa but helps to circulate oxygen, all those good endorthines etc...somewhere where you can get some benefit without having to socialise if you don't want to.

Go for a walk just to get out of house. Leaving the house which often feels safe is a good. Gets you out of hiding.

Getting a KBer to take you for a pillion ride.

Also accept that you will have bad days. You are allowed to. It is not a crime.

**Curious_AJ** · 2nd October 2007, 09:49

to all of the above, much gratitude to you all.

just one thing about opportunities... even though I've been down, I've been trying to sieze all the opportunities thrown at me... especially in my field of study. The only way you get through, is to pounce on the opportunities, or the reality is, you'll get nowhere. So that is what I've been doing... in some ways its what keeps a peron going, though the fact that its so hard to get into, is a thing which gets you down as well, your chances are very limited...

But, I have made a step in the career direction for next year, Made a list of local dog groomers, and am going to call them up and ask if they need an apprentice, or a dog washer with future advancement opportunities etc...

**Kittyhawk** · 3rd October 2007, 08:45

I want to say thanks to my two best mates - you are my world and mean everything to me.

One got in contact with the other who was around to my place in less than 30 seconds (great how he lives half a block away) I was down...

Then there was a knock at my door some time later. I Was thinking "I dont need this, just want to be alone they shouldnt see me like this"

Anyway to cut a long story short, we turned to music as a distraction. I discovered an uptapped talent which made me loose words. I have met alot of musos and taught alot of students but this one haddn't even played a drum kit, and the rythm flowed en fuoco.

After being highly impressed hanging out in my man cave we went upstairs to watch the twins (Domminator and Masher my baby turtles) I sat on the couch... feeling sorry for myself still was a mess...some nerves were chipped away at slowly, and I eventually broke down. Back to therapy I go. Meds aren't working.

I felt so bad for being this way in front of people. All attention was on me, Im not used to it, still arent. Only time I have attention is when Im on stage performing music. Dont like to bother people when Im down. Feel that I drag them down too. I like to do things for myself and be independant but with this Im not.

Dropped my bike yesterday too, and it did damage this time. I think that crossed the line from being down to going to depressed.

I'll leave it up to the specialists as to where to go from here. In the mean time I have had the offer of help and support, and Im not ashamed to say yes.

**idleidolidyll** · 3rd October 2007, 08:55

Originally Posted by Kittyhawk

What do you think of this.... Do you know someone who has it? What are the best coping skills for this? Should you continue to ride when negative destructive thoughts are about in your mind?

If you do have depression please PM me as I'd like to know more... I'll explain why when I reply.

When I'm depressed riding my bike is a sure cure...................

**Edbear** · 3rd October 2007, 13:39

Originally Posted by Curious_AJ

But bare with me.cheers

Now that could be trubble right there....!

**MyGSXF:Me** · 11th October 2007, 11:01

Originally Posted by Curious_AJ

I have made a step in the career direction for next year, Made a list of local dog groomers, and am going to call them up and ask if they need an apprentice, or a dog washer with future advancement opportunities etc...

That's awesome AJ, & great initiative on your part!!!

Ya gotta be pro-active in life, ya gotta get yourself out there, as I have learnt that miracles don't just come & knock on ya door..

Something I did when I was going through a real bad patch.. was to create a "wall of inspriation". I collected a heap of quotes, sayings, poems, work I had done with my councillor & photos of my beautiful boys, & I plastered them all over my kitchen cupboards. Several times a day I would stand there & read them all, & look at the photos.. & it would greatly boost me & keep me going for another day. I've put links below to threads I have put on here, with a few of the bits I had hanging up.. can you print them off AJ.. & make a wall of your own?? Put up pictures, quotes, whatever you can get your hands on that are precious & personal to you! Read your wall often & allow them sink in.. & above all BELIEVE in yourself!!!

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...58&postcount=1

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...39&postcount=1

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...82&postcount=1

love & light

Jen

**Curious_AJ** · 12th October 2007, 18:26

thanks, thats a good idea

If only I had a place to put them.. I try not to leave anything personal in any one place, I carry a backpack with me where ever I go, I sleep in 2 main places, but none of which is my home... so a wall wouldn't work.... maybe i could use a book... but that means finding a reasonable sized one that wont add to much to the weight of my pack... hmmm... I have a lot of stories and quotes...

ah well, I'll find a way I guess... now to find a place to go tonight as I'm left here again with no way of getting anywhere but by bus...

**ManDownUnder** · 15th October 2007, 10:20

Originally Posted by vifferman

Why am I posting this? In the hope that someone else who feels out of sorts, down, disinterested in life, anxious, unhappy and generally non-functional will do something about it.
You don't have to put up with it.
You don't have to feel like shit.
The bad feelings are just feelings, BUT they do indicate something's not quite right.

Sort it.

HAH! Action in action. Mate - that's a post deserving respect if ever I saw one. cheers - and I was going to say good luck. But seeing someone take the bull by the horns like that - ... I don't think you need luck.