A few funnies

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 13:41

What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A navel.

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

One day there was a cop walking by a bush. He noticed it was shaking really bad. So the cop looked behind the bush and there were 3 ducks sitting behind the bush.The cop pointed to one duck and said, "What is your name?"
"Duck."
"What are you doing?"
"Blowing Bubbles."
So the cop pointed to the second duck, "What is your name?"
"Duck Duck."
"What are you doing?"
"Blowing bubbles."
So the cop points to the last duck and says, "Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck?"
He says, "No, my name is Bubbles."

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 13:44

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove!

What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
"We do taste like chicken!"

**FlangMasterJ** · 16th November 2007, 13:47

Originally Posted by hXc

He says, "No, my name is Bubbles."

Woah, that punch line caught me by surprise.

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 13:48

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn't need cleaning.

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 13:51

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew before she swallows.

What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for arseholes.

**MSTRS:Me** · 16th November 2007, 13:53

Originally Posted by hXc

...
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

You are sooo busted

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 14:19

One day little Johnny and little Susie were playing. Johnny told Susie if she took her clothes off then he would too. So Susie, not to be out done by a boy, takes off her clothes and Johnny follows. Susie looks down at Johnny's penis with wonder and asks if she can touch it. Johnny replies "Hell no bitch, you broke yours off, don't think your gonna get mine."

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

Regis is in bed and feeling a bit frisky. He asks his wife if she would like to have a little sex before going to sleep.
"I'm tired" she responds "I don't think so tonight"
"No sex??" says Regis.
"Not tonight" replies his wife again.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Regis thoughtfully.
"Yes" she says without hesitation.
"Then....I think I would like to Phone A Friend."

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself".
But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

**Maha** · 16th November 2007, 14:27

Originally Posted by hXc

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
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ooooooooooo i would Duck Duck if i were you!

**yungatart** · 16th November 2007, 14:49

Just what topic are you studying today in preparation for your NCEA level 2 exams, my son???
Now get back to some school books, dude....you have been busted!

**EJK** · 16th November 2007, 14:53

Originally Posted by hXc

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"

Roflmao!!! ahahahaha that is brilliant!

**hXc** · 16th November 2007, 15:18

Originally Posted by yungatart

Just what topic are you studying today in preparation for your NCEA level 2 exams, my son???
Now get back to some school books, dude....you have been busted!

I did that earlier in the day. Too much study will overflow my incompetent brain.

**kevfromcoro** · 16th November 2007, 15:33

Jonny and Suzie are in the school play ground. and Suzie says.
Jonny,,,whats a penis?
Not sure..says Jonny...will go home and ask my Dad
That night Jonny goes home .and approaches his father
Dad ..whats a penis?
The old man takes Jonny into the bathroom and shows him.
Next day at school. Suzie asks Jonny if he found out what a penis was.
Sure says Jonny. come with me.takes Suzie around the back and flops out his old fella
Well ...see this...this is a cock..a penis is the same...but 3 inches shorter