My writing

[yungatart]

Well young man, you have done it again - reduced your Mum to tears! So much of what goes on in your head, I only find out via KB (Thanks Spank Me, for allowing me the opportunity to keep tabs on him). I want you to know that you are never alone, we are always here for you. We are both very proud of you, proud of the way you deal with people and things happening in your life, proud of your special talents and the things that make you who you are. And we love you to bits. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives and family

[hXc]

The two works I was talking about earlier, have been found. The Hollow Men and The Wasteland by T.S Elliot.

EDIT: http://www.cs.umbc.edu/~evans/hollow.html - The Hollow Men
http://www.bartelby.net/201/1.html - The Wasteland (Not for the faint hearted - Very long)

[Steam]

Wow this is an old thread.

I read your poetry and immediately heard very very heavy metal.
Cool!

You might want to consider some advanced poetry writing courses, there are quite a few around, they are good for people who already have talent, like you.

[Lias]

Sacrifice By Fire - Opfer durch Feuer

Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles,
Words, cold, heartless, callous,
Kristallnacht, Aryanization,
Deeds, actions, beyond explanation.

Ausweis, Ausweis, alles einordnen,
Auschwitz, Dachau, Bergen-Belsen,
Jew, Slav, Gypsy, Gay,
Yesterday here, gone today.

ARBEIT MACHT FREI,
Words, false hope, vicious lie,
You, life, meaningless here,
Gestapo, Einsatzgruppen, Bundeswehr.

Ghetto, cattle truck, camp, shower,
Goering, Final Solution, abuse of power,
In line, naked, morning frost,
Sacrifice by fire; Holocaust.

I like it.. I can just hear it sung by Slayer \m/

PS: Einsatz gruppen might translate to employment groups via google translation, but its real meaning is something entirely different.

[Hitcher]

The two works I was talking about earlier, have been found. The Hollow Men and The Wasteland by T.S Elliot.

T S Eliot is an anagram of toilets.

He's not bad, but I reckon W H Auden has him licked.

[hXc]

I like it.. I can just hear it sung by Slayer \m/

I thought more likely Rammstein, but each to their own, I guess.

[terbang]

Wow Bling for that..Check out my signature. Not poetry but still writing..

[hXc]

Wow Bling for that..Check out my signature. Not poetry but still writing..

Wow, they're really good. Very different from my own, but I like them.

[Lias]

I thought more likely Rammstein, but each to their own, I guess.

I could see Rammstein doing it I guess, but Slayer have a much greater obsession with WW2 germany than Rammstein do despite not being german (Or possibly because of it).

[hXc]

Yes, I'm reviving this again!

Forlorn
Now enter the hall of infinity where there's no light of day.
In this darkened tomb of misery, I walk though this haunting daze.
I'm out of it, I'm out of it, in these eternal tears of pain.
Divine intervention in this unholy land is just a life away.

Left alone, in my misery,
Forever forgotten and eternally forlorn.
Time after time, I just want to die.
I give up all principles in order to get high.

Left alone, in my misery,
Walking through my mind with no sign of this world.
I'm out of it, and mentally deceased.
Forever forgotten and eternally forlorn.

A Failed Goodbye Wave
1.
Here I am.
Shaking.
Terrified.
Contemplating.
I want to do it.
But I don’t.

I’m still screaming for help.
All in a whisper.

2.
The pain you feel breaks you up inside.
Life is hell, you want to end it,
but you know you can't.
But no one would really care,
so would it even matter?

Growing
I am happy where I stand,
Nie the water nor the land.
As I watch the people go.
And more the flowers grow.

With the sun, I rise,
And with it again, I fall.
The moon, He never sees me.
I watch the people grow.

Utopia
Anonymous talking, autonomous walking,
Going no where, a blind man stalking.
Forking at objects too far away,
Lying to people who you wish would stay.

A burning desire, playing with fire,
Taking more risks, another level higher,
Dire surrounding every situation.
Victims of subliminal manipulation.

Piss artist’s fall, the abandoned ones crawl,
Cementing the dead, creating a wall.
Tall and strong, able to last,
We rewrite the scene and reschedule the cast.

How Dare You Pixilate My Vision
I stare at the news
During late afternoons,
With my coffee I'm feeling content.
Then all of a sudden,
My eyes need a rubbin',
But only when I look at their heads.
Soon I discover,
They're just undercover,
They don't want their face on T.V.
But you don't have the right,
To pixilate my sight,
You should ask my permission at least!

Minus Eloquence
I write you in ink,
Stain my hands with your name.
Callous my fingers
With the effort to unburden.

And sometimes
I just sit quietly
Wishing I had the words...

But my muse laughs
And tells me; "It's but a dream."

And my hands begin to shake.

[hXc]

These next two have been posted earlier in the thread as song lyrics. They still are song lyrics, and I am using them as solo work now. But the lyrics have been changed slightly, more so just chopped. But here they are.

Welcome to the Night
Welcome to the night,
I knew you were coming,
It was just of matter of when.
This is where the end begins.
So many things to fear, so dark and lonely here.
Now the sun's gone down, and you are near.

All the weeping and the wailing
Of everyone that fell for your love.
This was their destiny, they get no rest or sleep.

Welcome to the night,
I knew there'd be someone
Special from above.
And you'd fool around and fall in love.
He knew your game cause he played the same.
We're all here and so glad you came.

To see all the weeping and the wailing
Of everyone that fell for your love.
This is what fate sealed, now you know how it feels.

Welcome to the night.
You'll have company, your shadow and agony,
There's plenty of time to get to know misery.

Past Tense
You don't have to tell me when it's over,
Because I knew it from the start.
Every day that we spend lying,
You keep on breaking my heart.

You can smile at days gone by.
You can say that love made sense.
But baby, nothing really matters,
When you're speaking in
Past tense.

You stand before me softly smiling,
As we talk of days long past.
Maybe we were only dreaming,
To think that we'd make it last?

[Hitcher]

Sheesh! That's a bit dark and brooding. Uber-gothic, if there is such a thing... There's a big difference between striking an emotional chord with one's readers and tasering them. I suspect I may not be the target demographic.

That said, there's some intriguing construction, word usage and phrasing happening there.

How about something a bit happier for us Fragile Old Farts next time?

EDIT: The second lot are a welcome relief. I think you've put more work into crafting those than the first flight.

[hXc]

Aw come on Hitch. Only the first 2 are 'depressing'.
Forlorn - Is just that, being forlorn and down in the dumps all the time.
A Failed Goodbye Wave - 2 parts. 1st = a person talking to themselves about suicide. 2nd = a conscience talking back, slightly deranged might I add.
Growing - Written very recently. It's a welcome change to life, I guess. Growing up and moving onwards, happier.
Utopia - Life and the world itself, including the cycle of death (rewriting the scene etc - metaphor for the same stuff happening to different people).
How Dare You Pixilate My Vision - I still don't really know. Anger towards media is the best way I can explain it.
Minus Eloquence - The inability to write.

Past Tense - Relationship crap.
Welcome To The Night - About girls/guys who 'do the dirty' on other people.

[Hitcher]

Aw come on Hitch. Only the first 2 are 'depressing'.
Forlorn - Is just that, being forlorn and down in the dumps all the time.
A Failed Goodbye Wave - 2 parts. 1st = a person talking to themselves about suicide. 2nd = a conscience talking back, slightly deranged might I add.
Growing - Written very recently. It's a welcome change to life, I guess. Growing up and moving onwards, happier.
Utopia - Life and the world itself, including the cycle of death (rewriting the scene etc - metaphor for the same stuff happening to different people).
How Dare You Pixilate My Vision - I still don't really know. Anger towards media is the best way I can explain it.
Minus Eloquence - The inability to write.

Past Tense - Relationship crap.
Welcome To The Night - About girls/guys who 'do the dirty' on other people.

I did get what they were about, honest!

"Pixilate" is good fun. "Eloquence" or something similar has appeared before? It seems familiar.

I think that there is potential to work the depression/suicide theme, but without dragging a reader down the vortex of hopelessness and gloom. People who have never personally experienced the depths of despair would be shocked by gaining a better understanding of what it must be like inside the head of people in such a situation, but they want to be able to climb out again afterwards to curl up in bed with a good sci fi novel and dream the dreams of the contended. This is where the power of good crafting kicks in. Stick at it!

[hXc]

Hmmm. *Contemplates about posting the last two I have left to post.*
These ones, I don't have a problem posting apart from the fact that a) most guys would chuck at reading them, and b) I'm not sure if I want my parents to read them.