Gender differences

[Lissa]

As for not having kids because you don't want to leave them in day care, etc, that is a bit old-fashioned. I know if I had had kids, there is no way I'd want to be with them 24/7, it would drive me around the bend!

Hmm have to agree, I actually did lose my mind being a full time mum, not my kids fault, but after being a 24/7 mum to three kids, with a 3 day holiday (with the kids) in the space of ten years, I truly lost the plot, and became extremely unhappy. Me unhappy = Kids unhappy. I now have a semi-part time job that I LOVE, I have responsibilities other than changing nappies and I am extremely happy and feel fulfilled, as well as the feeling that I have been let out of a self inflicted jail . Might sound extreme and I absolutely adore my children, but I think I am a better mum for getting a job, and my kids are healthy and happy and love me to pieces, life couldnt get better than that.

[Bikernereid]

My mum was a stay at home mum until we went to school and then she worked part-time until we were at high school and dad was home when we got home. I think that this was a good choice and if I were to have had kids I guess I would have done the same thing.

If you are happy and that = your kids being happy that is great and I can understand and agree with you completely. As I have said it is all about PERSONAL preference.

I just have said that I wish some people thought more about what impact children might have on thier lives before having them! I have two cats and they impact upon what I can do and when so kids will most definitely impact too.

Hmm have to agree, I actually did lose my mind being a full time mum, not my kids fault, but after being a 24/7 mum to three kids, with a 3 day holiday (with the kids) in the space of ten years, I truly lost the plot, and became extremely unhappy. Me unhappy = Kids unhappy. I now have a semi-part time job that I LOVE, I have responsibilities other than changing nappies and I am extremely happy and feel fulfilled, as well as the feeling that I have been let out of a self inflicted jail . Might sound extreme and I absolutely adore my children, but I think I am a better mum for getting a job, and my kids are healthy and happy and love me to pieces, life couldnt get better than that.

[vifferman]

Hmm have to agree, I actually did lose my mind being a full time mum, not my kids fault, but after being a 24/7 mum to three kids, with a 3 day holiday (with the kids) in the space of ten years, I truly lost the plot, and became extremely unhappy.

I know how that feels - I was a 'househusband' for about two and a half years, and while I loved things like walking the kids to school, and doing some part-time programming, the loneliness just about broke me. At least if you're a housewife, you can in theory have coffee with other mums, talk about things, etc., I didn't have those options. It was very good from the point of view that it was a VERY difficult time for #2 Son, so I got to spend hours and hours at school with him, go on school trips, help out in cooking, metalwork and woodwork classes etc., but it was still very tough.
On the other hand, my wife loved being a mum, and stopped working when #1 was about 1 year old, then returned to work when #3 was five. In between, she home-schooled our mutants for a few years.
On the other other hand, she really resents the housewife phase now, as it's totally fX0rd her career. Now she's recently found out that all her years of tax accounting experience don't actually count for much, as even for bean counters it's looks, ambition and greed that seem to make the difference. Her boss more or less said that even though she's YEARS off retirement age, as far as The Beanies are concerned, she's only got a couple of years left in her. That's just fucking rude, to be quite blunt.

So that's one of the things people don't tell you, but I'm telling you now.
If you take a few years off to "do the big OE" or go navel-gazing in Kathmandu or whatever, it may well enhance your career. However, throw a couple of years of something unselfish like sprog farming or caring for an unwell relative in, and you're toast, especially if you're female.

[Lissa]

I am a mum, but I am also other things as well. The best thing to do when having children is to be the best you can be, and dont fall into other people ideals of what a good parent is. Some people think being a good parent is giving your kids as much material stuff as you can afford or not afford, thats crap, its about raising your kids to be great adults, you dont need STUFF to do that. Sure when you have kids you do have to put them before yourself sometimes, but thats healthy right?

[Number One]

I just have said that I wish some people thought more about what impact children might have on thier lives before having them! .

Agree totally - however not everyone has the luxury of 'thinking about' it and with all the thought you (parents) put into what it will be like and all the advise and horror stories you get told (some people just love to do that!) you still never come close to exactly what it will be like for any one set of parents, and how they will actually feel or cope with the situation....+ every child is different.

We were quite planned with our boy and he is fantastic, but it has changed us as people, it has changed our relationship and he has had his own troubles...nothing ever works out to plan especially with kids! AND we have it good - I dread to think how unhappy couples cope - poor buggers!

If anyone makes a decision on having kids because they think they 'have it all sorted and know what they are truly in for' they are dreaming! You have to be a pretty flexible person who can be happy and make the best of everything that comes along to cope I think and too much planning can just cause disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Having kids i have learnt is alot about guilt, if you aren't prepared to put someone else ahead of you alot of the time for the rest of your time - you shouldn't do it...full stop as the guilt will drive you mad.

I have two cats and they impact upon what I can do and when so kids will most definitely impact too.

Ya think?

[Lissa]

I know how that feels - I was a 'househusband' for about two and a half years, and while I loved things like walking the kids to school, and doing some part-time programming, the loneliness just about broke me. At least if you're a housewife, you can in theory have coffee with other mums, talk about things, etc., I didn't have those options. It was very good from the point of view that it was a VERY difficult time for #2 Son, so I got to spend hours and hours at school with him, go on school trips, help out in cooking, metalwork and woodwork classes etc., but it was still very tough.

Yep I was extremely lonely esp when you get told that hey it cant be all that bad, as you arent ACTUALLY having to get up each day and go to work, but for me it was worse, I would have traded places with the garbage man. Sorry about what is happening to your wife. I hadnt worked for ten years and I am absolutely in my element, I hope maybe your wife can find someone else who can take her on and appreciate her a bit better.

[KATWYN]

Well I swore for most of my life I was not going to have children; there was absolutely NO WAY, the thought of motherhood and me was chalk and cheese. I felt like the most unmaternal person in the world.

No way in hell was I ready for motherhood at 35 years old...or 36..... or 37....until I hit 38.

My motivation for having a baby is not because thats what people do, but
because I personally have had a great life so far and I wanted to pass on the opportunity for somebody else to enjoy (what they do with their life will be their business).

So at 38 years old I am a few weeks away from bringing this new person into this world.

But I completely understand a lot of the comments in here about being a breeder. I just hope I am never placed into that catagory now.

[Bikernereid]

I think that it is great that you sound so happy about being a parent. It sounds, and I hope that I am not presuming or being patronising that you have come to being a parent for some very good and sound reasons.

I personally do not want to have children because it has taken me 13 years to finally get to begin to work towards the career that I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I have spent a lot of time weighing up the pros and cons (for me) of having children and I have decided that trying to manage a career and be a stay at home mum (until kids are of the right age to go back to work, in my opinion) is not for me. And I do not judge anyone who does things differently to how I would.

My issue has always been about people having children for the wrong reasons and the children being the ones to suffer as a consequence. Adults can deal with their partner leaving a whole lot better than young children whose mother abandons then because she sees them as being a chore, burden ann getting in the ay of her career and having an affair with her boss (personal experience, I am not picking on women in general).

I have a great deal of respect for anyone who puts a child before themselves and wants to share thier experiences with their children. Good on you and I hope that your child is health and will bring you many years of joy and happiness.

Well I swore for most of my life I was not going to have children; there was absolutely NO WAY, the thought of motherhood and me was chalk and cheese. I felt like the most unmaternal person in the world.

No way in hell was I ready for motherhood at 35 years old...or 36..... or 37....until I hit 38.

My motivation for having a baby is not because thats what people do, but
because I personally have had a great life so far and I wanted to pass on the opportunity for somebody else to enjoy (what they do with their life will be their business).

So at 38 years old I am a few weeks away from bringing this new person into this world.

But I completely understand a lot of the comments in here about being a breeder. I just hope I am never placed into that catagory now.

[007XX]

I personally do not want to have children because it has taken me 13 years to finally get to begin to work towards the career that I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I have spent a lot of time weighing up the pros and cons (for me) of having children and I have decided that trying to manage a career and be a stay at home mum (until kids are of the right age to go back to work, in my opinion) is not for me. And I do not judge anyone who does things differently to how I would.

And good for you too. I agree that the impact of having children should be considered before one gets into making little ones, however wuite often, no one can actually prepare you for the said impact. I know it is possible to do both, but I have not met many women who managed both a career and children. Big respect to anyone who does, because I know I couldn't do it.

My issue has always been about people having children for the wrong reasons and the children being the ones to suffer as a consequence.

I completely agree with this. I have also been of that mind that too many have children "lightly". When i was living in Orewa (north of Auckland) about 12 years ago, I met this lovely young woman called Kylie. She was gorgeous to look at, funny and the mum of an adorable 3 year old little boy who was just a darling. After about 5 months of knowing her, she tells me she is moving to OZ to live, and when I asked about her son, she said he wouldn't be coming with her but would be living from then on with her mum. It would appear she couldn't see herself as a mother anymore (her words).

The last time I saw the little guy was about 5 years ago, adn he hadn't heard or seen his mother since she had left for OZ.

I just cannot comprehend someone doing this. I would honestly rather die than leave my boy.

[Grahameeboy]

And good for you too. I agree that the impact of having children should be considered before one gets into making little ones, however wuite often, no one can actually prepare you for the said impact. I know it is possible to do both, but I have not met many women who managed both a career and children. Big respect to anyone who does, because I know I couldn't do it.




I completely agree with this. I have also been of that mind that too many have children "lightly". When i was living in Orewa (north of Auckland) about 12 years ago, I met this lovely young woman called Kylie. She was gorgeous to look at, funny and the mum of an adorable 3 year old little boy who was just a darling. After about 5 months of knowing her, she tells me she is moving to OZ to live, and when I asked about her son, she said he wouldn't be coming with her but would be living from then on with her mum. It would appear she couldn't see herself as a mother anymore (her words).

The last time I saw the little guy was about 5 years ago, adn he hadn't heard or seen his mother since she had left for OZ.

I just cannot comprehend someone doing this. I would honestly rather die than leave my boy.

Geeze, what is this Mum like not seeing her Son.........

[Bikernereid]

it is all down to the individual I guess. What irked me about the exes ex-wife was that she was someone who measured herself by what others thought of her and she got married and had the kids because everyone else was doing it. I have no experience of having my own children but after bringing up hers I have more of an understanding of the impact they have. I think anyone who goes into parenthood thinking that thier lives will be exactly the same as before is a little nuts. I think that maybe people considering having a family might want to consider fostering first. maybe they would have a better idea of what they are getting themselves into and it would hopefully give some lovely children the chance of love and a sense of being wanted.

Not being a mother myself I can only speak as a 'step-mum' but I could not understand how the mother could leave her kids. I remeber being in a car accident with Hannah in the back and my first thought was not my bloody car but oh my God is Hannah ok. That is when I really understood how it feels to really put a child before youself and to do it autmatically and without resentment.

And good for you too. I agree that the impact of having children should be considered before one gets into making little ones, however wuite often, no one can actually prepare you for the said impact. I know it is possible to do both, but I have not met many women who managed both a career and children. Big respect to anyone who does, because I know I couldn't do it.




I completely agree with this. I have also been of that mind that too many have children "lightly". When i was living in Orewa (north of Auckland) about 12 years ago, I met this lovely young woman called Kylie. She was gorgeous to look at, funny and the mum of an adorable 3 year old little boy who was just a darling. After about 5 months of knowing her, she tells me she is moving to OZ to live, and when I asked about her son, she said he wouldn't be coming with her but would be living from then on with her mum. It would appear she couldn't see herself as a mother anymore (her words).

The last time I saw the little guy was about 5 years ago, adn he hadn't heard or seen his mother since she had left for OZ.

I just cannot comprehend someone doing this. I would honestly rather die than leave my boy.

[Grahameeboy]

it is all down to the individual I guess. What irked me about the exes ex-wife was that she was someone who measured herself by what others thought of her and she got married and had the kids because everyone else was doing it. I have no experience of having my own children but after bringing up hers I have more of an understanding of the impact they have. I think anyone who goes into parenthood thinking that thier lives will be exactly the same as before is a little nuts. I think that maybe people considering having a family might want to consider fostering first. maybe they would have a better idea of what they are getting themselves into and it would hopefully give some lovely children the chance of love and a sense of being wanted.

Not being a mother myself I can only speak as a 'step-mum' but I could not understand how the mother could leave her kids. I remeber being in a car accident with Hannah in the back and my first thought was not my bloody car but oh my God is Hannah ok. That is when I really understood how it feels to really put a child before youself and to do it autmatically and without resentment.

I guess like life, you don't know till you have kids how you will deal with things.

I know despite Nats disablity, I would not change her for the world....just a bit more to deal with but it is what you make of life, not what you want life to make for you.....

[007XX]

it is all down to the individual I guess. What irked me about the exes ex-wife was that she was someone who measured herself by what others thought of her and she got married and had the kids because everyone else was doing it. I have no experience of having my own children but after bringing up hers I have more of an understanding of the impact they have. I think anyone who goes into parenthood thinking that thier lives will be exactly the same as before is a little nuts. I think that maybe people considering having a family might want to consider fostering first. maybe they would have a better idea of what they are getting themselves into and it would hopefully give some lovely children the chance of love and a sense of being wanted.

Although the idea of foster children going with people who are not yet parents themselves is a good one in theory, I don't think the actual results would be so good. Foster kids usually come from distabilised family from what I understand, and therefor need parents who have prior experience, to ensure stability and proper parenting methods are being practiced (that's in theory too obviously).

Also, I don't think that getting foster kids would help the "new parents" in any way...except maybe as a very effective method of contraception

No one can prepare you for what parenthood is like. If you were told, you'd never do it! And yes, I speak from experience....but I don't regret it, and yes, maybe I'll do it again!

Geeze, what is this Mum like not seeing her Son.........

I tried really, really hard not to judge people...but trust me, I was very angry with her, and told her so, as she had no reason for leaving the little guy. He was not a difficult child either. She had not gotten pregnant with him through rape or anything like that either. She ahd wanted him while in a relationship with some loser, then when he'd left her, she just gave up. It really made me sick to my stomach.

[Number One]

I think that maybe people considering having a family might want to consider fostering first. maybe they would have a better idea of what they are getting themselves into and it would hopefully give some lovely children the chance of love and a sense of being wanted.

mmm yeah that's an excellent idea!

Let's all practise on the fosterkids! When we realise we don't really want kids, or that one in particular or whatever we can just toss them back, safe in the knowledge we didn't mess their whole lives up. What the hey they are used to the false hope that comes from being shunted around.

Maybe people should think about it a bit more before fostering too? Maybe they should get a virtual pet and have to sit a licensetoo....