Finances in marriage meltdown

**FJRider** · 19th October 2008, 08:47

Originally Posted by Chickadee

Hope you guys get counselling as you mentioned, keep on working at getting an amicable settlement (either getting back on track or separating) and nice to hear the kids come first for both of you.

There are quite a few organisations that provide councilling FREE... and you dont always have to do it together. Or even the same counciller. Both need to be aware comprimises may be needed by both...
Citizens Advice Centres are in most areas in the country... ask them who and where to contact those that may be able to help. As already mentioned, FREE legal advice is often available there too...

**jrandom** · 19th October 2008, 08:50

Originally Posted by Chickadee

keep on working at getting an amicable settlement (either getting back on track...

Dear God, why? Why do people think that relationships must be saved? Newsflash: It's already failed. There are many other fish in the sea, and the quicker he gets out and cleans up the mess, the quicker he can get on with his life.

Living with the corpse of a marriage and kidding oneself that it isn't rotting and stinking has never done anybody any good.

Even if the relationship can be 'patched up' and resurrected in some form, he'll never be as happy in the end as he will if he makes a clean break now and moves on.

**jrandom** · 19th October 2008, 08:51

Originally Posted by Maha

he said to me after that 12 months '' what a waste of a year of my life''....

No im not saying this will be the outcome of your marriage, but if your wife has given up? mmmmmmmm its over dude!!!

Wise words bro.

**Maha** · 19th October 2008, 08:52

Originally Posted by jrandom

Living with the corpse of a marriage and kidding oneself that it isn't rotting and stinking has never done anybody any good.

Even if the relationship can be 'patched up' and resurrected in some form, he'll never be as happy in the end as he will if he makes a clean break now and moves on.

Yes!!!! agreed.

**Maha** · 19th October 2008, 09:09

This thread now needs sound!!
Noticed Bytors avatar.

**DMNTD:Me** · 19th October 2008, 09:17

...but surely these are required

**Leong** · 19th October 2008, 09:50

Best of luck with whatever you decide Bytor...

**MyGSXF:Me** · 19th October 2008, 10:27

Originally Posted by Bytor

Our families are both in the UK, so we have no immediate support network to fall back on which makes it difficult but also means that she needs me for help with the children.

Check out the phone book for your local "Womens House/Centre" (ring Citizens Advice Bureau). They offer all sorts of courses & craft mornings, drop in cuppas, etc, which will help her form a network of friends. The Women's Refuge can also offer support (it's not just a place for battered wives!!). Barnardos are also a great place for support. It will be very important for her to establish a network if she is going to end up on her own with 3 young kids! Check out your local preschool about the new 20 hours (?) free scheme, for childcare. It will also be very important for her to have time out from the kids!!!!

Originally Posted by Bytor

I will at this early stage be pushing for counseling even if it is to help us through the separation - she refuses to consider it at the moment saying its a waste of time. She also wants to put the children first which is a good sign

If she feels then that counseling isn't worth it in terms of you two, but wants to put the children first.. then apply for the 6 free sessions through the family court & use those sessions to work out a plan for the children (for when the separation actually happens) get a parenting plan written up (while things are amicable.. & will hopefully stay that way!!). You don't have to attend all the sessions together.

**McJim** · 19th October 2008, 10:46

Here's hoping you fellas can sort it all out one way or t'other.

Say hi to the missus and children from us.

I know what you mean about the lack of a support network when you move to the other side of the planet too.

All the best from me and my whanau.

**Winston001** · 19th October 2008, 14:54

Originally Posted by jrandom

Seriously, man, what the fuck? Stop clouding the issue.

We all go through that 'try to heal' bollocks at first, but it's important to realise that it's just a part of the process of realising the truth - you're well rid of the bitch.

(Not to mention that there are many more fish in the sea - way hey hey!)

Oh, Jesus H. Christ. What are you on about, man?

Get the fuck outta Dodge. Mate's couch. Beer in the fridge. Freedom. Peace.

Like I said, I know what I'm talking about. I have dealt with this stuff for 25 years. Calling Bytor's wife a bitch is destructive and completely off the wall. None of us know the personal situation but from Bytor's recent posts, my intuition was correct. Don't inflame things.

Bytor - the reason to see a solicitor is to ask about your rights at law in terms of relationship property, care of the children, access, and child support. You could try the free advice but you are better to find a solicitor you are comfortable with and see where things go.

Reading this thread, you will get the impression that every marriage breakup consists of women who strip men of everything, who are nasty and manipulative. That is wrong but its the guys who have experienced this and still feel anger, who tend to post.

I can tell you that hundreds of couples separate every year without any legal advice at all. The only time a lawyer is involved is when the house is sold or transferred to one of them. Amicable separations are not unusual.

The other thing is that couples do separate and then happily resume their mariage, stronger and better.

I still recommend counselling, even just for yourself. You are having a tough time, especially with family so far away, and a non-judgemental listener is valuable. Keep trying to get your wife to go - counselling isn't about getting back together, its about expressing your pain and confusion, and discussing things like arrangements for the children.

Do you still love each other? You need to talk about that.

**jrandom** · 19th October 2008, 15:18

Originally Posted by Winston001

Like I said, I know what I'm talking about.

Mm hmm. I'm sure you do. And my point was that you propose a risky strategy. Relying on the goodwill of a partner who's already stated their intention to get rid of you strikes me as fallaciously woolly-headed thinking.

I'm glad that you at least agree that consulting a solicitor is a good move.

At certain points in one's personal and business affairs, one must put feelings aside and start acting rationally in one's own best interests.

It seems to me that Bytor wants a woman who no longer wants him. He therefore has two choices:

(a) retain his dignity and half of his wealth;

(b) retain very little of either.

Stark, but unfortunately true, and warm fuzzies about potential reconciliation can't change the basic facts of the matter. This woman doesn't want to reconcile - she just wants Bytor out of the way, and statistics says it's probably because she has another fellow lined up.

Like I said, it's not just about the money - what price will you place upon a man's self-respect?

**fire eyes** · 19th October 2008, 16:36

Originally Posted by Winston001

Reading this thread, you will get the impression that every marriage breakup consists of women who strip men of everything, who are nasty and manipulative. That is wrong but its the guys who have experienced this and still feel anger, who tend to post.

I can tell you that hundreds of couples separate every year without any legal advice at all. The only time a lawyer is involved is when the house is sold or transferred to one of them. Amicable separations are not unusual.

The other thing is that couples do separate and then happily resume their mariage, stronger and better.

I still recommend counselling, even just for yourself. You are having a tough time, especially with family so far away, and a non-judgemental listener is valuable. Keep trying to get your wife to go - counselling isn't about getting back together, its about expressing your pain and confusion, and discussing things like arrangements for the children.

Do you still love each other? You need to talk about that.

Awesome advice

**jrandom** · 19th October 2008, 17:13

Originally Posted by fire eyes

Awesome advice

The hearts and flowers behind it is lovely, the substance of it is not.

Bytor should immediately physically distance himself from this woman, and get all financial and child-custody matters agreed upon in writing. Naturally he'll want to minimise the legal fees associated with that, but it's always a good idea to have a lawyer cast a professionally-jaundiced eye over anything before one commits to it.

After that's been done, and everyone is in the clear, certainly there's nothing wrong with attempts to re-approach the relationship in good faith.

Sentimental blindness to the reality of the situation, however, will benefit nobody.

**helenoftroy** · 19th October 2008, 17:47

Originally Posted by Winston001

Reading this thread, you will get the impression that every marriage breakup consists of women who strip men of everything, who are nasty and manipulative. That is wrong but its the guys who have experienced this and still feel anger, who tend to post.

I can tell you that hundreds of couples separate every year without any legal advice at all. The only time a lawyer is involved is when the house is sold or transferred to one of them. Amicable separations are not unusual.

Winston001 is right I am one of these women