What to do if your girlfriend/wife/partner is upset

[klingon]

I've been going through some very difficult times recently (for example last week I was told that my father is terminally ill and probably only has a few weeks left to live).

In general my partner has been very practical and helpful. But he is really crap at dealing with me being upset. He wants to fix stuff for me - but there are some things he just can't fix. Sometimes I just want him to listen.

Now, as much as I love you Kiwi Blokes, you have to admit that a lot of you are USELESS at dealing with an upset woman. Right at the moment I am not upset, so I made some notes for my partner and I thought they might be helpful for some of you other blokes. Of course they are aimed mostly at him, with my needs in mind. But I'm sure there are some universal truths here.

I also know that there are some guys out there who are really good listeners. Please don't be offended by my generalisations.

_________________________________________

Step I: Recognition
First you need to notice when she’s upset. Signs may include:

• crying
• Wobbly voice
• Shaking

These are by no means the only signs. They will be different for different people. You need to learn to recognise the signs of being upset in people who are important to you. For example, what subject matters does she usually find upsetting?

If in genuine doubt, you may ask her if she is upset. You may only ask her if you really don’t know. If she is crying, assume she is upset. Do not ask.

Step II: Remove distractions
In order to listen properly, you need to give her your complete attention. Stop what you are doing and remove distractions.

• Turn off the television (do not just mute it)
• Close and put down your book or newspaper (don’t just look up from it)
• Move away from the computer (no matter how fascinating that KB thread is)
• Turn off the radio/stereo/music
• Stop doing the dishes, dry your hands
• Stop preparing food, turn off the stove
• Put down whatever is in your hands
• Do not answer the phone if it rings

As a rule of thumb, only continue doing things that are more important to you than your partner’s emotional state. Are you prepared to say to her, “This thread on Kiwi Biker is more important to me than the fact that you are upset and need to talk”? If so, you must accept the consequences of that choice.

Step III: Body position
There are several options, all of which should allow you to listen attentively to her, and help you to comfort her.

• Stand facing her. You may:
  
  • Hold one or both of her hands
  • Hug her
  • Put your hands on her shoulders.
  
  Do not fold your arms or put your hands on your hips.
• Sit facing her with options as above. You may also:
  
  • Lean slightly forward
  • Put your elbows on your knees
  
  Do not rest your chin in your hands or lean back with your hands behind your head.
• Sit beside her (e.g. on a sofa). You may:
  
  • Hold her hand
  • Put your arm around her shoulders
  • If you are already lying in bed, put your arms around her. Do not close your eyes or turn off the light. If you find this difficult you may need to sit up to make sure you keep your eyes open.

Step IV: Pay attention to her physical state

• If she seems cold, offer to get her a blanket or a jacket
• If she is crying, ask if she would like a tissue (bring the whole box)
• Especially if she is crying, be patient and give her time to talk between sobs

If at any time you need to get up (e.g. to get her something) tell her what you are doing and make sure you come straight back. Do not get distracted on the way.

Step V: Listening

• Pay attention
• Make eye contact when you can
• Give appropriate feedback to show you are listening e.g. Nod or squeeze her hand gently
• Ask appropriate questions e.g. to clarify issues
• Under no circumstances should you use sarcasm
• Do not be over-sensitive or defensive (she's probably not blaming you).
• Offer solutions sparingly. It will be more effective if you make a mental note of your solutions, then suggest them to her later when she is less upset. This shows that you were focussed on listening to her, and also that you are still thinking about her and her problems later.
• NEVER:
  
  • Tell her that she is being silly
  • Tell her to stop crying
  • Tell her to get over it, pull herself together, get some perspective or grow up.

[ManDownUnder]

............. respect..............

For what it's worth you're giving advice that most men take 60 years to accumulate.

There is an opposite and equally valid point of view, but is neither the time nor the place. If I can help in any way... even "just" to listen.

Nigel

[skelstar]

Some guys are just too stupid and ignorant to know what to do. Every Woman out there should count herself lucky if she should find a guy who does know how to listen...even if he might try to fix things a little bit.

[Babelfish]

Personally I think its the perfect time for sex. Romantic lighting, sensual massage, gently put sturdy leather belt around her waist, casually roll her onto her stomach, smoothly enter from behind, calmly whisper in her ear to "get over yourself" and hold on for dear life....yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww

[Pwalo]

I'm sorry but men don't work that way. We do our best, but we are who we are (ie were not women).

I really do my try and listen when my far, far better half needs me to. I guess I have learnt to shut up though, and not give my opinion.

[Jantar]

Klingon, I feel for you and I do know what you are going through. However what you describe is possibly the major difference between male and female. If you want someone to just listen and sympathise then do not rely on your partner, or any other male. Rely on your female friends.

If you want advice, or want something fixed, then tell your partner. When you say "In general my partner has been very practical and helpful. But he is really crap at dealing with me being upset. He wants to fix stuff for me - but there are some things he just can't fix" you have just described the perfect male.. Maybe not what you would like to see in the perfect male, that is what you will get.

[janno]

Hey - I hear ya girl!!

I had to learn to explain clearly to the other half what I wanted.

ie say "I am so upset, it's nothing you have done, and I need you to listen to me and hug me and make soothing noises for the next five minutes while I talk. That's all you have to do, I don't want or need advice."

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

You and I may think that our partners should know us well enough by now not to need bloody great road signs to alert them to the fact that we need some comfort without solving a task, but they are working on ingrained basic instinct. Their job in the cave was to solve problems and kill the mastodon. Which is not very helpful when you need some quiet comfort and attention.

My favourite bloke thing is the "I'm really worried about this so I will do my utmost to pretend it's not happening. If I refuse to talk about it or if I drink enough the problem will mysteriously vanish." Anyway . . .

Sorry to hear about your family sadness - not much fun, huh? Hang in there and sending virtual hugs your way.

[imdying]

You forgot 'Give a shit'. If you can't empathise with your partner, there's something wrong.

[avgas]

Fair enough, but if i do this what do i get in return?
How about this for a bargin, we want:
a) more sex
b) back rubs
c) more food.

And we will do what ever we can to make your flight more comfortable.

[klingon]

For what it's worth you're giving advice that most men take 60 years to accumulate.

I wish it took most men only 60 years to get it... my Dad's 82 and the best he can do if a woman's upset is offer to check her oil and tyre pressure! Kind of sweet in its own way but not what she needs at the time!

Hey - I hear ya girl!!

I had to learn to explain clearly to the other half what I wanted.

ie say "I am so upset, it's nothing you have done, and I need you to listen to me and hug me and make soothing noises for the next five minutes while I talk. That's all you have to do, I don't want or need advice."

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

You and I may think that our partners should know us well enough by now not to need bloody great road signs to alert them to the fact that we need some comfort without solving a task, but they are working on ingrained basic instinct. Their job in the cave was to solve problems and kill the mastodon. Which is not very helpful when you need some quiet comfort and attention.

My favourite bloke thing is the "I'm really worried about this so I will do my utmost to pretend it's not happening. If I refuse to talk about it or if I drink enough the problem will mysteriously vanish." Anyway . . .

Sorry to hear about your family sadness - not much fun, huh? Hang in there and sending virtual hugs your way.

Ha ha Janno you made me laugh with that. That's exactly what happens at our place. To give my man credit, I'm sure if I was being attacked by a woolly mammoth he would be the ideal person to save me. Shame there aren't many mammoths in Mt Albert any more.

As you said, "Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame." That's what I'm trying to provide here, although I admit I missed out the time frame. Although I would really like hugs and soothing noises for about four hours, maybe I should start with something a little less ambitious.

[Macktheknife]

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

.

Hell yes!
As a general thing ladies, please focus on and appreciate the males good points, we do try our best.
After all, how would you like it if all we talked about was any shortcomings you may have?

All the best Klingon, you know you can call on me any time for assistance.

[MSTRS:Me]

Good advice, Klingon. But it is wasted on guys. Some may have an overabundance of female hormones and can do all that stuff without 'training', BUT most of us are just simple blokes. We can't do the sit still and listen thing. We fix things by rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty. When you need an ear, that's what your girlfriends are for. Invite them over, then tell us that the bike needs this or that doing so flock off to the gargre for an hour or two .

[klingon]

Hell yes!
As a general thing ladies, please focus on and appreciate the males good points, we do try our best.
After all, how would you like it if all we talked about was any shortcomings you may have?

All the best Klingon, you know you can call on me any time for assistance.

Aaaw Mack, I do appreciate males' good points... that's what makes them so irrisistable! I didn't mean to focus on male shortcomings by starting this thread, but just to offer some very specific advice for circumstances where they cannot fix the problem and don't know what they can do to help.

I'll be sure to call you if I have any dragons that need to be slayed.

[slinky]

If in genuine doubt, you may ask her if she is upset. You may only ask her if you really don’t know. If she is crying, assume she is upset. Do not ask.

ok, so its obvious she is upset. What do you say then??

just a simple,
whats wrong - do you want to talk about?
whats wrong, tell me about it?
whats wrong, lets talk about it.

or something else??

[Drum]

Like several of the previous posters, I too agree that it would be nice if we could behave the way you have described on occasion, however that is not what men do. You have described a woman, not a man.

We can try, we may even be able to do some of those things right, but in general I think you're going to be out of luck.