Tele-marketers

[F5 Dave]

If everyone just hangs up on them, or tells them to "fuck off" they are obviously just going to keep you on their database.


I went through a phase of getting a few calls and always stop them by saying "I formally require you to remove my details from your database AND any others you have access to".

Works a treat. No hassles any more.

Hasn't worked for me yet, might have to go back to 'FUCK OFF!'

[awa355]

Hasn't worked for me yet, might have to go back to 'FUCK OFF!'

"Fuck off" doesnt work either. Just had HRV phone again. I thought my tirade of abuse last time might've done the trick. The girl got in " thats not very nice mr**. before I hung up. Going to do the high pitched whistle trick next time.

[Mom]

"Fuck off" doesnt work either. Just had HRV phone again. I thought my tirade of abuse last time might've done the trick. The girl got in " thats not very nice mr**. before I hung up. Going to do the high pitched whistle trick next time.

Wait till her supervisor rings back to complain that girl felt threatened

HRV better not ring here is all I can say...

[blue rider]

Stupid us

We still rely on a landline for our communication.

But seriously, I want to know who else has asked not to be called and still is?

i did.
i find it helpful to ask the caller where they had got my phone number from? Who authorized the unsolicited call after business hours? They usually don't like questions.

In saying that, the call takers are usually young, unexeperienced and it is a shit job. And for many pretty much the only job around.

[nzspokes]

You lot do it the hard way. Just ask them to wait a tick and put the phone down. The longest one has held on is 20 mins.

Never get call backs.

[cc rider]

When asked "Is this Ms....?"
I reply "Yes but I don't have a phone."


Make 'sex' noises... or just have sex next to phone
(ok... doesn't have to be related to cold calls... as you were)

[Madmax]

Tormenting Telmarketers: A Game You Can Play at Home!
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the ``market'' out of Telemarketing.
Premise:
Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.

Counter-Tactic:
Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!

Hints:
Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using ``attentive grunting'', similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring:

Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts

Example:

Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and we're in your area [...] [start clock->]
Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
Them: Let me transfer you to [15 bonus pts!]
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
Them: How large is your house? [25 pts/min!]
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it? [stupid ?]
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
and is completely safe.
Me: Even with my pets? [stupid ?]
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...] [repeat!]
Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
[subject change]
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they
couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[...] [subject change]
Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out? [angry???]
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit!

[MSTRS:Me]

Had one just now.

**RING - RING**
"Hello....hello...HELLO-O"
"My name is Steven"
**CLICK!!**

[SMOKEU]

Put the phone up to your computer speakers and play some porn or Hitler speeches, loudly. That will teach them.

[Murray]

I just took a call from Niagara health bla bla?...

I think you heard wrong - I think is Viagra Health and rumour has it MOM asked them to call you.

[Maha]

I think you heard wrong - I think is Viagra Health and rumour has it MOM asked them to call you.

Yes I stand corrected, she did mention something about the ups and downs of appendage direction, went straight over my head...

[PrincessBandit]

I invariably hang up as soon as possible .. Sometimes I play with the silly fuckers .. as in:


Me: Hello?

Them: Hello I'm from (wherever).

Me: (said very slowly in a Forest Gump style) Hello? I'm sorry, I am blind. I will get my guide dog to listen to you and tell me what you are saying. Can you please count to five, while I put the phone by the dog's ear and then you can start talking again.

Them: Are you ... (whatever)



...............................

It's just amazing how long some of the silly shits will hang onto the phone for and try to follow the instructions ... I once made four minutes doing this .. and fell over laughing when the shithead finally hung up .....


Very entertaining ..

Must spread more around before giving to banditbandit again. Feel the lurve!


My favourite (although since getting an unlisted number the frequency with which we get telemarketers has dried up to almost non-existant) used to be "oh, hang on there's someone at the door, hold on a tick" then walk away from the phone without hanging up.

On the rare occasion we've had one call I've usually resorted to "excuse me, this is a private unlisted number. How did you get hold of it? I'd appreciate you not calling this number again". Never do.

[FROSTY:Me]

My reply is.
Hi XXXX what is the address there to send the bill to. My charge out rate is $200 an hour. And the clock starts NOW.
Or -so which vehicle are you interested in purchasing.
Every time they try to start on their speil I go back to telling them the virtues of various cars

[pete376403]

I thought i was fairly reasonable:
Them: Hello, is this the owner of the house?
Me: Yes it is and no you can't sell me anything, Goodbye.
hang up.

[Gremlin]

I receive a call around 5pm.

Indian: Hi, I am calling from the Windows Service Centre, how are you today?
Me: Sorry?
I: How are you today?
M: Oh, OK.
I: I am calling you about your computer. We have noticed during the last 2 weeks that when you go online that it is downloading infected files
M: Oh
I: So if you’ll please go ahead and turn on your computer…
M: Which one?
I: How many do you have? Less than 4?
M: No, more than that.
I: Oh, I see, but you have one internet connection?
M: Yes
I: OK, so power one computer on…
M: But which one? You said one was infected?
I: OK, so you have more than 4 computers and one internet connection?
M: Yes
I: Do you have more than 10 computers?
M: No
I: Ok, so please power on one computer…
M: Which computer do I need to power on? You said one was infected?
I: Well, all of them are infected
M: Ok, so I need to power them all on?
I: Yes, we need to fix the problem

*OK, so at this point I’m struggling to keep a straight face, maintain concentration and silence someone laughing in the background. I’m also slightly bored, annoyed, but somehow want to make him pay*

M: OK, don’t worry, I work in IT, I know exactly what you’re doing
I: Oh
M: Please stay on the line for a further 20 seconds while I finish tracing the call so that I can report you to the authorities
I: OK

*The Indian fella goes quiet but I can still hear background noise, so the line is open*
*Some time (probably around 10 secs) passes, but I’m not counting, as I’m slightly incredulous he’s actually doing it, and hasn’t panicked and slammed the phone down*

M: Thank you, the trace is complete.
I: *silence*
M: I hang up the phone.

Reckon he's made my year, couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes, that he actually did as he was told.