Friday jokes

[Juniper]

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,

and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,

he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,

he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

[Virago]

Lol...

http://www.viralnova.com/funny-stupid-people/

[unstuck]

Lol...

Fuck thats funny alright.

[Robbo]

Due to economic circumstances..

[Swoop]

To see if people really react badly to burka wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.

On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.

And she hasn't even left the house yet!

[gjm]

A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm.
He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'

[gjm]

Gritty humour.

[Swoop]

News from a week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Treasures remained unchanged while Purex tissues touched a new bottom.

[YellowDog]

Mr Jones is sitting happily at home one afternoon when the doorbell rings. He opens the door to see two serious looking uniformed Police Officers.

"Mr Jones?"

"Yes."

"There has been an accident in town, and we think your wife may have been involved. Do you have a photograph of her for ID purposes?"

"Oh dear, yes, just one second. Come in."

So, Jones hands a copy of his wedding photo to one of the constables who looks at it, frowns gravely, hands it back and says, "There is no easy way to put this, Mr Jones, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."

Jones stares at the constable, looks at the photo, then back at the constable and replies, "Yes, I know, but she's a great cook and she's fantastic in the bedroom."

[awa355]

You guys are in deep shit now. When people call you brainless, at least most men will have an excuse.


Watching too much sexual material could shrink brain - study

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/...ectid=11264524

[Erelyes]

[YellowDog]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to
rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case .................. Kiss me, Hardy."

[Akzle]

((erelyes' post))

[husaberg]

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said: "Hi, how are you?"
Embarrassed, I said,"I'm doing fine".
The voice said,"So what are you up to?"
I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!"
From next door, "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I said "I'm rather busy right now".
The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

[husaberg]

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.


Whoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

What single word can be a long sentence?
Prison

comic sans walks into the bar, the barman says piss off........ we don't serve your type

I've always been bad at spelling - not sure whether it's nature or nurture.