Share your txt jokes

[Spicer]

Kylie Minogue,Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.Kylie trips,and gets her head jammed between the raillings.Without a sideways glance,Robbie pulls aside her G-String,and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton,"Your turn!" Elton bursts into tears."What's up?" asks Robbie.Elton sobs,"My head won't fit through the raillings!"

As my spunk dribbled down my grilfriends chin,I looked her in the eyes and said,"Do you like that?" "No," She replied,"What the fuck is in this sandwich?"

7 Dwarfs went to meet the Pope."Go on Dopey ask him" chanted the other 6."Ok" said Dopey."Sir are there nuns in Alaska?" "Yes there are" said the pope."Go on Dopey ask him urged the other 6."Ok" said Dopey."Sir are there black nuns in Alaska?" "Yes there are" said the pope."Go on Dopey ask him",Dopey blushed,"Are there midget black nuns in Alaska?" "No i don't think so" said the pope.All 6 leapt up shouting "Dopey fucked a penguin."

A penis has such a sad life,his hair is always a mess,his family is nuts,his neighbour an arsehole,his best friend a pussy and to make it worse his owner beats him.What a life. hahaha.

Suck Hole Ten Cents,Lick Hole Five Cents,Fuck Hole Free, She's Dead.

[Spicer]

Men are like bank accounts without a lot of money,they don't generate much interest.

Men and fish are alike...They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.

A father and son are walking through the garden ..The son spots two Daddy Long Legged spiders on top of each other and turns to his father.."Dad,is that a Mummy long legs with that daddy long legs?" "No son" his father replies,"There is no such thing as a Mummy long legs.." The son then turns from his father and stamps his feet down squashing the spiders.."We'll have none of that gay shit in our garden aye Dad"

This morning,i was attacked by a woman in an elevator.I was staring at her breasts when she said,"Will you press 1?" So i did. I don't remember much after that....

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night.I was fucking some absolute slag from behind when i looked up and realised that the guy at the other end of the spit-roast,getting a blowjob,was my dad.I said,"After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum." He said,"I'm not..."

Husband says to wife,"My olympic condoms have arrived......i think i'll wear gold tonight",his wife says,"Why not wear silver and come second for a change."

How do you confuse your dog?
Name him stay,then call for him.Here,Stay,Here,Stay!

[Spicer]

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her Gran to know.
One day police raid the brothel and line all the girls up outside.Susie's gran walks past and sees her.Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges,so her gran joins the queue.When the police get to susie's gran,they are supprised and ask her,"How do you do it at your age?" Shes replies,"I take my teeth out,peel back the skin and suck 'em until they're dry..."

An old man goes to the doc,walks into a full waiting room and the receptionist says to him.."Hi how can i help?" He says..i've got a problem with my dick.."Everyone hears and she says to him.."You shouldn't say that in front of everyone...why dont you say something like..ive got a problem with my...ear?? Embarrassed he walks out then back in and she says to him.."Hi,how can i help?" He smiles and says,"I've got a problem with my...Ear." "Oh" she replies,"What seems to be the problem?..He says to her.."I CANT PISS OUT OF IT.."

Dear DR Phil.I was watching my neighours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.As i was having a wank i noticed my wife standing there,arms folded,watching me.Is she a pervert?

A bloke phones up his local council office and says,"I have just raped a big fat ugly bird." The woman says,"You should phone the police to confess." The man replies "I don't want to confess,i want you to fix the fuckin lights in the park..."

Paddy sets Mick up on a date and says,"She's a lovely girl but there's something you should know.She's expecting a baby." Mick shrugs his shoulders and says,"Ok.I'll give it a go." The next day Paddy sees Mick and says,"How did it go last night?" Mick replies,"Not too good.She was half an hour late and i felt a right prick sat at the bar wearing a nappy and a fucking bib..."

Be careful with who you deal with on trade! If you buy stuff online check out the seller out carefully.A friend has just spent $95 on a penis enlager.Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.The only instructions said "Don't use in direct sunlight."

[Spicer]

The viking God Thor comes to earth and spends all weekend shagging a mortal woman who has a lisp.
Monday morning comes.As he's a God and feeling a bit guilty for shagging her for 48 hours solid,he calls her up and explains: "I am Thor!" She replies: "You're Thor! I can't even go for a pith!"

Why is it hard to take the piss out of a maori lanuage......
Because they have no I or S in their alphabet.

What doesn't belong in the list? Meat,Eggs,Wife,Blowjob?
Answer: Blowjob,you can beat your meat,eggs and wife but you can't beat a blowjob.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

You're not drunk until you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.His owner, disgusted puts him in the freezer to cool off.20 minutes later when he opens the freezer,he finds the parrot sweating."How come your sweating?" He asks.The parrot replies: "Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

A man and his wife went to the zoo.They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife.Her husband says,'lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!" The ape goes mental."Now get your tits out!" The ape goes fucken berzerk!
The husband opens the cage and pushes the wife in."Now try telling THAT fucker you have a headache!"

Why are boobs like the sun?
Because with sunglasses you can look at both as long as you like!

The other night,my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her "Only you.All the others kept me awake shagging all night!" My wife packed my bags and as i walked out of the front door she screamed..."I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!"
"Oh" I replied."So you want me to stay now!"

[Spicer]

3 guys go up the mountain for a skiing weekend.That night they go to sleep in the ski lodge beside each other.When they wake up,the guy on the left has a hard on and explains,"I had a dream that i had a great hand job." The guy on the right also has a hard on and says he had a dream that he got a hand job too.The guy in the middle says,"You guys are wierd,i dreamt i went skiing."

After my prostate examination the doctor left.Then the nurse came in............At that point she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

I got a job truck driving in aussie. I broke down way out the outback.After 3 days i ran out of water and i started drinking my own urine 3 more days i could no longer pee.Faced with death i accepted the inevitable...and opened some of the fosters i was delivering.

The perfect girl isn't 36-24-36.she's 20-30-40 the body of a 20 year old the face of a 30 year old and fucks like a 40 year old.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.......unless your in prison.

[Spicer]

3 maori's in court,Rangi is given 15 years for possesion of a knife,Honi is given 25 years for possesion of a gun,Hemi is given 10 years for being in possesion of 60c in loose change.Summing up,the judge stated,"Although Hemi wasn't in possesion of a gun or knife,it is my opinion that he was clearly saving up for one!

2 guys are in a pub together when one turns to the other and says,"I fucked your mum last night.We did everything.I fucked her doggy,missionary and reverse cowgirl,then i licked her bumhole while she fingered mine,then she gave me a tit wank whilst sucking my cock and i spunked all over her face." The other guy puts down his pint and says,"Lets go home dad,i think you've had enough."

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little chinese guy comes in,stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.I said to him,"Do you know any of those martial arts things,like Kung-Fu,Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says,"No why the fluck you ask me dat,is it coz i chinee?" 'No",i said,"It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick."

Woke up at 8am with a wicked hangover the other day and the bastard neighour was mowing his lawn my first reaction was to get up and throttle the prick then i thought fuck it he can mow around me.

An abo is in an old peoples home,his relatives visit to make sure he is ok."Oh i'm fine" he says,"They treat us all with respect.Old Tom over there was a doctor and they still call him DR Tom,Bill was a pilot and they still call him captain Bill,and even though i haven't had sex for twenty years,they still call me The Fucking Abo!

[anebv8]

my maori neighbour asked if I want a water fight so here I am writing to you while I wait for the jug to boil

[Spicer]

Went to see the ex one last time. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.Fucken police weren't too happy. I was only supposed to identify the body!

My grandma has alzheimers...it's tough to deal with,but i'm grateful for the $50 she sends me every week for my birthday.

3 nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. 1st nurse says,"I can't let that go to waste",and rides him.The 2nd nurse does the same,the 3rd nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period,but does him anyway.Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead.The man replies,"I was,but after two jump starts and blood transfusion i feel fucken great!!!

went to the shop the other day and four blokes over the road shouted,"Hey white boy,like your gay shirt." I said "100% cotton mate,tell your grandad thanks."

[munster]

my maori neighbour asked if I want a water fight so here I am writing to you while I wait for the jug to boil

or the bucket to freeze

[Spicer]

A girl sitting next to me on the bus said she would suck me off for $5 which i thought wasn't to bad so i agreed.When she had finished,she wiped her mouth and lit a cigarette..At that i thought to myself,"What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"

Sure it's fine for females to sit and read 50 shades of Grey in public, but when i pull out my book Cum Guzzling Sluts people go mad.

I get sick of people telling me stalking someone is easy!
They don't understand how hard it is to masturbate and hold binoculars at the same time.

Every now and then me and my wife have a cheese and wine party.
I get my cheesy knob out and she whines about having to suck it.

A wise man once said: Ignore what comes out of a womans mouth,unless it needs wiping and putting back in your pants.

My girlfriend thinks i'm sweet.
Hopefully after tonight she'll realise i'm pretty salty.

What do you call 4 Pakehas surrounded by 400 Maoris?
Prison wardens.

Why shouldn't you throw rocks at a Maori on a bike?
Because the bikes probably yours.

Now that India has allowed homosexuality,the first lesbian couple have got married.
Congratulations to Sukme Flaps and Makemeclit Singh.

[Spicer]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm...."I'd like to buy a horth" he says "What sort of horse?" said the owner."A female horth," the owner shows him a mare."Nithe horth," says the dwarf."Can i thee her eyth?" owner picks him up shows the eyes,"Nith eyth",says the dwarf,"Can i thee her teeth?" owner picks him up shows the teeth."Nith teeth," he says,"Now can i see her twot?" the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says,"Perhaps i should weewaze that..."Can i see her wun awound?"

What's white,smells,and can be found in panties?
Clitty litter.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there?
Thats why i'm no longer a Gynaecologist...

Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest,"I'm pregant." He asked,"How did this this happen,my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming." The priest,shocked by this reply asked,"What makes you think it's the second coming?" She replied,"Because i swallowed the first"

[Spicer]

The woman at the job centre said she had 3 openings for me.
"Well,that's 2 more than the wife...",I thouhgt to myself as i started taking off my pants.

2 hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business,and one of the hookers said,"Gonna be a good night.i smell cock in the air."
The other hooker looked at her and said,"No,i just burped."

My black neighours house burned to the ground yesterday.
"Everything" he sobbed,"Everything i ever stole was in that house!"

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the womans nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry."Is that your husband?" he asks."No silly" she replies snuggling up to him"Your boyfriend then?" "No,not at all," she says,nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or brother?" He asks.hoping to be reassured."No,no,no! You are so sexy when your jealous!" she answers."WELL WHO THE HELL IS IT THEN?" he demands!!! She gently whispers in his ear:"That use to be me"...

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room."Please come fast i'm having an argument with my wife and she says she wiil jump out the window of your hotel." The manager replied,"Sir that's a personal matter." Husband replies "Like fuck it is! the window won't open so that's a maintenance matter!?

Peter and Mary walking home from the pub.Mary says that she needs a piss so she goes behind a bush peter is feeling horny so he slips his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between marys legs he asked her,"Have you changed your sex?" Mary replies,"No i've changed my mind i'm having a shit."

[Spicer]

I Went out last night, and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she was up for making a "home movie." All I did was suggest, that we should hold auditions for her part!!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night. It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

[Bikkie]

There I was sitting at the bar,staring at my drink when a large,trouble making Biker steps up next to me,grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig-"Well whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly-As I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life." I say."I'm a complete failure.I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.When I went to the parking lot,I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.I left my wallet in the cab I took home.I found my wife with another man and the dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink,I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poision dissolve.Then you show up and drink the whole thing" But enough about me.How's your day going?"

[Bikkie]

I have been watching the ladies beach volleyball today and there has already been a bad wrist injury.....The doctor says I should be ok by the morning.

The average man walks 900 miles and drinks 20 gallons of beer per year meaning the average man gets 45 miles per gallon.

Customs took away my forified wine.I've been de-ported.